As a child, I had to walk through 9 feet of shag carpeting just to change the channel.
%
I tried to take a trip down memory lane -- but it was not easy.
So many road blocks, and much of it was closed for reconstruction.
%
Like is a mystery, and I don't have a clue.
%
All my mother's favorite Soap Operas have gone down the drain.
%
The people that don't know what they're talking about
are often the ones with the most to say.
%
I'm not really pleased to be so much older now.
But I'm glad I'm no longer asked to help lay sod.
%
Turkey defeated the USA at the 2026 World Cup.
The USA's revenge comes at Thanksgiving.
%
As my dad open his 50th birthday card, he looked at me and
tearfully said, "You know... one would have been enough."
%
I knew I wasn't going to have to repeat sixth grade.
My teacher said she never wanted to see me in her classroom again.
%
I have a generally sound constitution.
But I need to consider a few amendments.
%
I've walked the walk, and I've talked the talk.
These days I'm happy to just sit the sit.
%
I attended the funeral of a fella who died after being hit by a tennis ball.
After the funeral, his wife told us: "It was a lovely service".
%
I've yet to determined how badly my barn was damaged by the tornado.
I haven't found it yet.
%
Thank heaven it's not snowing!
Imagine shoveling snow in this heat!
%
My best quality?&ensp; Definitely my modesty.
%
We've been doing it all wrong in the past summers.
This year the dog goes to camp, and the kid to obedience school.
%
My brother-in-law claims to do resistance training.
That means he refuses to go to the gym.
%
I went out to see a movie last night.
It was $18.50 too long.
%
I've was writing a new joke about margarine.
But I realized I could do butter.
%
Keep your friends close, and your snacks closer.
%
If they outlawed margarine, the world would be a butter place.
%
You can spot the blind man at a nudist colony.
It isn't hard.
%
I dumped my boyfriend and he threatened to jump off a cliff.
I couldn't be fooled because I knew it was just a bluff.
%
I have a good memory -- with nothing good to remember.
%
You wouldn't worry about what others think of you,
if you realized how seldom they do.
%
I'm so old, all I have now are memories.
But I can't remember any of them.
%
Dad once said, "Do what you hate first thing in the morning to get it out of the way."
Two months later he called me on my birthday at 6 AM.
%
My brother-in-law is leaving his brain to science.
That's nice. Every little bit helps.
%
The airline serves bagels, but only <i>plain</i> bagels.
%
I wonder if sharks ever tire of ceaseless sushi?.
%
Our strategy of being poor is working.
We're both losing weight.
%
Every year I pay my taxes, but the deficit goes up.
What kind of Ponzi scheme are they running?!?
%
I never kiss on a first date --- though, not by choice.
%
I studied Chinese Philosophy.
An hour later, I was curious again.
%
When a toilet appears in you dreams,&ensp; don't use it!
%
There was a mime convention in town last week.
It was the best of mimes; it was the worst of mimes.
%
Yes, age is just a number.
And in my mother-in-law's case, an irrational one.
%
My girlfriend's family are getting suspicious.  Her&nbsp;husband&nbsp;especially.
%
Attorneys At Large == Free Range Lawyers
%
Half of Americans believe 50% of Americans are the reason for the divisiveness.
While the other half believe the other 50% are to blame.
%
We ordered new checks from the bank.
They came printed on rubber.
%
My third grade friend accused me of holding petty grudges.
I've never forgiven him.
%
There's a reason the big shopping place is called "the mall".
Instead of going to just one store, you can go to "them all".
%
We get Number 2 pencils from tree poop.
%
Dijon Vu: The same mustard as before.
%
What kind of lazy are you? An ice cube falls to the floor:
Pick it up right away, mop it up after it melts, or let it evaporate on its own?
%
I'm probably not lost.
I'm just not where I thought I was.
%
In my new diet, lunches consist of celery and carrots.
Lunch has become munch ado about nothing.
%
I heard Bob The Postman retired.
Now he's just Bob.
%
I used to use to use Italian Dressing on my salads.
Now I'm trying to reduce my dependence on foreign oil.
%
I married my wife for her looks.
But not the ones I have been getting lately.
%
Nothing tells you to lose weight more than a pair of jeans just out of the dryer.
%
Whoever designed wet wipes where four come out when you pull just one
should have been put in charge of designing ATMs.
%
AI provides false facts and incorrect data in my area of expertise.
Thankfully, it's very useful and always right in topics I know nothing about.
%
A truck hauling Worcestershire Sauce crashed.
911 Operator, "What's the situation?"&ensp; Cop, "It's hard to say."
%
Electrician comes home at 2am. His wife asked: "Wire you insulate?"
He replied: “Watts it to you? Don’t be so negative? Wire you blowing a fuse? I'm ohm, aren't I? I&nbsp;suppose I’m grounded now!”
%
My biggest fault is, when I ask someone their name,
I forget to listen to what their name is.
%
I criticized my wife for gardening in improper attire.
She ignored me and is digging in her heels.
%
Sometimes I do random acts of kindness.
For example, keeping my mouth shut.
%
Electricians have to strip to make ends meet.
%
Penguins: What's the point of being a bird if you cannot fly?
%
The Cheat Days in my diet are only the ones ending in "Y".
%
We are told that life goes in cycles.
Of course, as soon as you know what's going on, everything changes.
%
I'd like a loan to finally get myself out of debt.
%
The grey hair makes me look distinguished.
Yup, it distinguishes me from young people.
%
Most everyone knows of Bob Ross, the painter.
He has a brother, Albert -- with a 6 foot wingspan.
%
I thought I had a friend from Japan.
Nope. It was just my imagine Asian.
%
I saw a one-legged man checking his balance at the ATM.
%
I opened my birthday card and lots of rice fell out.
It was from my Uncle Ben.
%
My company has a new, Australian network engineer.
He comes from a LAN down under.
%
The lady that fell from a cruise ship was named Eileen Dover
%
If ghosts can walk through walls, why don't they fall through floors?
%
Isn't your first birthday technically your second birthday?
%
Some of our leftovers have outlived two refrigerators.
%
The evening news begins with "Good Evening" then proceeds to tell you it's not.
%
Some people look at social media and think it's the news.
Some people watch TV and think it's the news.
%
There's a little Barbie in all of us -- because, microplastics.
%
Cop, "Anything in the vehicle I should know about?"
Me, "Nah. Just stuff you shouldn't know about."
%
An unemployed jester is nobody's fool.
%
Waiter, "Would you wanna box for your leftovers?"
Me, "Nah. I hate violence. You can have them."
%
I like 'hidden picture' puzzles, but not this one.
I can't find the 'Cancel Subscription' button.
%
Having a small aquarium can have a calming effect.
It's because of all the indoor fins.
%
"Our neighbor died."&ensp; <i>"Who, Ray?"</i>
"I don't think cheering is appropriate."
%
"My wife has started labor. What should I do?"
<i>"Is this her first child?"</i>&ensp; "No! This is her husband."
%
"I need a doctor's appointment."&ensp; "<i>Okay. How about 9 tomorrow?"</i>
"No, I really don't need that many."
%
Her, "What is your idea of a perfect date?"
Me, "DD/MM/YYYY&ensp; I find other formats too confusing."
%
Eating raisins is a little like eating a grape's grandparents.
%
I've been on hold for thirty minutes now.
But I can't hang up because my call is very important to them.
%
There's a fertility clinic in Indiana named Hoosier Daddy.
%
Uh-oh! I think I'm having a Déjà Vu moment.
It seems I've forgotten what she said before.
%
When I was overseas in the army, I wrote my girlfriend every day.
Every <u>single day</u> for 3 years!&ensp; And what happened?&ensp; She married the mailman!
%
My vet gave me some medicine for my dog's worms.
I had no clue his worms were sick...
%
I hate it when I cannot spell a word,
and AutoCorrect has no idea <i>what</i> I'm trying to spell.
%
I had no plans for today.
My wife found out, and I now have tons of plans I never knew about.
%
I'm in shape. Unfortunately, it's the wrong shape.
%
Cows wear bells because their horns don’t work.
%
Yes, I already told you about my spine issues.
It was just a week back.
%
My fortune teller sees money in my future --- although it's not mine.
%
Whenever I go running, I meet people.&ensp; ...usually paramedics.
%
I just closed a browser tab I meant to read 9 months ago.
%
I was buying a pet fish and the clerk asked, "Do you want an aquarium?"
Me, "I don't care what astrological sign it has!"
%
My 3rd grade teacher said I had nothing but twigs for brains.
It just sticks in my mind.
%
My brother gave up being a lawyer to become a dog breeder.
It seems he prefers boxers over briefs.
%
I found out I'm allergic to my Lucky Rabbit's Foot.
%
A journey of a thousand miles starts with a long line at the TSA.
%
Never believe anything until the official denial.
%
Someone once asked Ziggy how he got into comics.
He said he was just drawn in.
%
"For English, press 1. For Spanish, press 2."
"For customer satisfaction, we suggest you hang up."
%
They just started a 3-day street repair in our neighborhood.
The next 3 weeks will be the worst 3 months of the year.
%
I wonder if I'm really annoying?
Telemarketers keep hanging up on me.
%
Me, "Officer, what should I do with this speeding ticket?"
Officer, "Hold on to it. When you collect four, you'll get a bicycle."
%
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
I'll never again get in her car when she’s late for bingo!
%
A big sinkhole appeared on U.S. 50.
That State Patrol is looking into it.
%
My sister-in-law just got the Due Date for her baby.
The doctor is emailing her the tracking number.
%
"If you would like to speak to a representative, press 1."
"If you would like to talk to with other annoyed customers on hold, press 2."
%
I showed her undeniable, statistical proof the she was wrong...
and she is <i>still</i> mad at me!
%
I was fired from my job at the ice cream shop.
I refused to work on Sundaes.
%
To tell chemists apart from plumbers,
ask them to pronounced "unionized".
%
Knowing when to keep quiet speaks volumes about you.
%
I wonder how long babies should be burped.
Would it be the same way as the short ones?
%
The trouble with retirement is that you never get a day off.
-- George Carlin
%
My kids presented a PowerPoint detailing why we should go to the water park...
It has several slides.
%
My dog kept chasing people on a bike, so I took his bike away.
Then he just sat and barked. And his bark was worse than his bike.
%
I attended a school for gifted children.
My mother gifted me to that orphanage.
%
My wife and I are going out to pick up our new glasses.
After that we'll see.
%
The only reason we're staying together is for the kids -- which we hope to have some day.
%
Some will say it's an example of my poor craftsmanship.
I say it's artisanal.
%
Social media has its Content Creators and its Malcontent Creators.
%
I don't make mistakes.&ensp; I do 'variations'.
%
Pretty sure I now have more coffee cups than friends.
%
I would suppose a trillion dollars would smell a little Musky.
%
One of the top rated speedboat racers died.
His funeral is tomorrow, followed by a wake.
%
The U.S. two-party system divides the country into two tents.
The contents, and the discontents.
%
I know it all. I just can't remember most of it.
%
The problem with trouble is it always starts out as fun.
%
Supposedly a million monkeys typing would produce the complete works of Shakespeare.
Social media has proven that to be false.
%
A pessimist and an optimist walk into a bar.
The bartender serves them each a half-glass of beer.
%
When I was a child I had an imaginary friend.
Now, with social media, I have 256 of them.
%
My brother-in-law is a half-wit.
But he aspires to be a three-quarters-wit.
%
Each week the local laundromat hosts a "Socks Without Partners" night.
%
Never thought I'd be the guy to get up and exercise at 5 AM.
And I was right.
%
Fun Fact: Four is the only number whose name has the same number of letters as the number itself.
%
They have to ask you "Paper or Plastic?"
It's because baggers can't be choosers.
%
When you feel all is lost, and there's no hope left...
Remember the lobsters in the tank of the Titanic's restaurant.
%
It's not procrastination.&ensp; It's pre-resting.
%
If I got paid to overthink, I'd be a millionaire by now.
%
How am I supposed to trust my gut, when it can't handle a little dairy?
%
Be true to your teeth, or they'll be false to you.
%
There's a new bar in town called "STRANGERS".
It's where everyone knows your alias.
%
Every doctor I've seen tells me I'm paranoid. It's a damn conspiracy!
%
My reputation for using the wrong word recede me.
%
I read that a hippo was trained to use the toilet.
But I believe it's just a hippo potty myth.
%
I was never my mom's favorite.
And I was an only child.
%
Running late is my morning workout.
%
There are 3 rings of marriage: engagement ring, wedding ring,&ensp; and suffering.
%
I've had thousands of opportunities to waste money, and I took them all.
%
I don't do bird jokes. I won't go for the cheep laughs.
%
It was a May-December marriage.
He's old money; she's crypto.
%
I have a tattoo of a compass on my wrist.&ensp; I'll never be lost.
%
No one notices what I do, until I do it wrong.
%
I don't need a stress test.&ensp; My life has been a stress test.
%
Bacon is duct tape for food.
%
Boss, "You were gone for 7 hours to smoke?!?"
Me, "It was a brisket."
%
I used to have a girlfriend.
But her horoscope obsession Taurus apart.
%
I'm not going to walk a mile in <i>your</i> shoes.
So, prepare to be judged.
%
I like bad girls, And, yup, she was bad at everything.
%
I've been diagnosed with insomnia.
But I'm not going to lose sleep over it.
%
I posed nude for an art class today.
They didn't ask me to. They were making ceramic bowls.
%
My dad was conjoined with his twin when born.
They were separated, and now I have an uncle, once removed.
%
The sailors couldn't play cards ... not while the Captain was standing on the deck.
%
I used a new hand moisturizer and got trapped.
It took 20 minutes to get past the doorknob.
%
During a robbery the clerk asked, "Why the 2 CDs glued to your glasses?"
The robber replies, "It's my disk-eyes."
%
Sometimes I use big words I don't really understand --
just to make myself sound a bit more photosynthesis.
%
I bought a used time machine. It's a classic!
They just don’t make them like they’re going to any more.
%
There won't be a second date, but at least she's now knows the meaning of "mansplaining".
%
The CEO cracked a joke in a meeting and everybody except one guy laughed.
CEO, "Didn't you get the joke?"&ensp; Guy, "Oh, I got it. But today is my last day."
%
Vegetarian zombies crave . . . "<b>GRAINS!</b>"
%
My friend quit eating mousse, crème brûlée, and other custards.
His bragging about it has been really off pudding.
%
The only thing that's improved with age is my appetite.
%
My track betting was in great form yesterday.
It took six horses to beat me.
%
Experience is what you have left when everything else has failed you.
%
In marriage you get the test before the lessons.
%
Helpful Tip: Canned hams are easier to slice if you take them out of the can first.
Follow me for more culinary advice.
%
"Does getting a tattoo hurt?"&ensp; <i>"Depends on the area."</i>&ensp; "I'm from Denver."
%
I'm always saying, "Carpe Diem."
A guy at work also says that, too. Nobody likes a Carpe Cat.
%
Wife, "We should take up Square Dancing."
Me: kept waiting for the punchline...
%
Dog catchers are paid by the pound.
%
I went to Harvard University - - for my cousin's graduation.
%
Say what you will about Florida,
but it's the only US state with direct flights to the moon.
%
The Lord moves in mysterious ways.
But you shouldn't.&ensp; Use your damn turn signals!
%
I have ADHD. My hobbies include starting hobbies.
%
%
20 years ago I asked my girlfriend, best friend, and love of my life to marry me.
It's still hard to believe all three said no.
%
A funeral home sponsored our baseball team.
They even renovated our dugout.
%
I'll never forget the time I met my mother-in-law -- no matter how hard I try.
%
It really upsets me when I see "you're" and "your" used incorrectly.
Their is no excuse for it.
%
After the races I'm always a little hoarse.
%
There's just not enough time in the day to not do the things I want to blow off.
%
Traditions are basically peer pressure from dead people.
%
I can offer awkward silence or awkward conversation.&ensp; Your choice.
%
My friend changed his name to Björn today.
He wasn't Björn yesterday.
%
Well, mannequins don't think I'm weird.
%
My financial situation is extremely fluid.
It's all going down the drain.
%
It feels like I'm on top of the  world -- me with Acrophobia .
%
The facility where our Shopaholic Support Group meets has a gift shop.
%
I received some spam that said my TikTok account was suspended.
For a second, I was really scared that I <i>had</i> a TikTok account.
%
Tried a new diet... In 2 weeks I only lost 14 days.
%
If I'm reading their lips correctly,
the neighbors are arguing about some nosy guy next door.
%
The groom was quite a bit older than her.
But he has money to burn. And she is the perfect match.
%
We've been married for 35 years. That's 5 seven-year itches.
%
I often wondered why the rooster woke up screeching everyday.
I get it now.
%
I used to talk to myself.
But I had to stop. I was getting on my nerves.
%
Well, I'm happy to be alive.
Just not so happy to be awake.
%
When I was young, I was poor. But after decades
of hard, honest, painstaking work, I am no longer young.
%
The guys in the bar told me to leave my car there and take the bus home.
Big mistake. I was in no shape to drive that either.
%
"DO NOT TOUCH" must be the scariest text to read in Braille.
%
I'm afraid to ask my parents:
Am I the password child or the reason-they-drink child?
%
Maybe I won't procrastinate today.
I'll put it off until tomorrow.
%
Never hold a Dust Buster and a cat at the same time!
%
I'm up at 5 AM to go fishing. I wake my wife and ask, 'What'll it be, sex or fishing?'
And she'll say, “Don't forget your waders."
%
My congressman claims to have a degree in Political Science.
I believe that's a typo.&ensp; It's more likely Political Theater.
%
My wife's conspiracy theory is that everyone is wrong but her.
%
I found a hat with some money in it.
But then some guy with a saxophone chased me down the street.
%
A journey of 1,000 steps begin by checking your smart watch.
%
This won't be my last geometry joke.
I'll circle back in a little while.
%
It took some tough negotiating to sell the mine.
It was quite the ore deal.
%
"Does your tooth still hurt?"
"I don't know. The dentist kept it."
%
Four months ago I ordered the book, "How to scam people".
It still has not arrived!
%
Today I broke my record for the most consecutive days lived.
%
I never finish anything.
I have a black Belt in Partial Arts.
%
What is a four letter word that starts with W and ends with T.
%
Nothing in the English language starts with N and ends with G.
%
I stay in shape. This is the shape I stay in.
%
My wife gave birth three times and still fits in her high school prom dress.
I've never given birth and I don't fit in my pants from six months ago.
%
I finally scratched Skydiving off my bucket list.
(That's it. It's no longer on my bucket list.)
%
My son told me there is a small gathering at school tomorrow.
I asked, "How small?"&ensp; He replied, "Just you, me, and the principal."
%
Every 6 months I realize how clueless I was 6 months ago.
%
I started to write a joke about procrastination…
I’ll finish it later.
%
When asked what 6 minus 6 was, my dog said nothing.
%
It's said we all <i>learn</i> from our mistakes.
I'm 3 credits from my Master's Degree.
%
I couldn't remember her name.
But I was correct that it had a vowel in it.
%
Any fool can change the future.
Which, of course, explains politicians.
%
I changed my college Major from Communications to Art.
My reason was hard to put into words.
%
Don't let anyone discourage you from setting aside 12 months to write a novel.
Those 2 years could be the most rewarding 5 years of your life.
%
I have the power to melt ice cubes by just staring at them for awhile.
%
Me, "I have a tree fruit phobia."
Her, "Have you tried growing a pear?"
%
Hay fever is much achoo about nothing.
%
English -- what a screwy language!
You can drink a drink, but you can't food a food.
%
The US Census Bureau wanted a list of employees broken down by sex.
We responded that alcohol was way more of a problem here.
%
I'm a non-practicing teetotaler.
%
My gym membership is $37.50 per month.
That works out to $262.50 per workout.
%
I asked the Spiritualist to put a curse on my ex-girlfriend.
"Wasn't dating you enough?"
%
Most of my 20-year-old friends dunno what to do with their lives.
Neither do some of my more interesting 50-year-old friends.
%
I received an award at work.
EMPLOYEE OF THE WEAK
%
I want to be as happy as the folks in drug commercials
when the narrator reads the side effects.
%
Our pilot attempted to take off three times.
The jerk in 12C didn't have his phone in <i>airplane mode</i>.
%
It said, "ONE SIZE FITS ALL".&emsp;It lied!
%
The cops asked my brother-in-law why he was driving on the railroad tracks.
He told them he was checking out his new all train tires.
%
AI Art: Computer-Rendered Artificial Pictures (CRAP).
%
Technically, cinnamon powder is sawdust.
%
Long time ago, I tried breeding rabbits.
It definitely was a hare raising experience.
%
I heard there was a clown invasion happening at the beach.
There was only one boat!&ensp; How bad could it be?
%
As I get older, I find that I don't look good in certain things anymore.
Photos are a good example.&ensp; Also -- mirrors.
%
If Watson isn't the most famous Doctor, then Who is.
%
The world's most affectionate creature is a muddy dog.
%
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Z
I can only remember 25 letters of the alphabet. Dunno why.
%
If you break a cookie in half, all the calories drain out.
%
I'm not sure how many coffees I need to be happy.
But so far it is not 12.
%
I wanted to become a Super Hero, so I let a spider bite me.
Seems my super power is screaming louder than a banshee.
%
Old and afraid of dying alone? Become a bus driver.
%
I suppose that "The Thrill Of Victory" in a marathon
would be a lot more enjoyable if it wasn't for "The Agony Of de Feet".
%
Sure there's life after death.
It just depends on how much you get from their will.
%
It's said that there's a person out there for everyone.
I guess for me, that person is five cats.
%
In this K-Shaped Economy, I put the K in 'Kaput'.
%
I finally understand the ending of that movie last night.
It's just all the names of the people that worked on the movie.
%
I was put on this planet to do one thing.
Luckily I forgot what it was, so I can do whatever I want.
%
I tried calling the Tinnitus Helpline.
No answer. It just kept ringing.
%
My body is not a temple. It's an antique store.
%
I've developed a mind-controlled air freshener.
It makes scents when you think about it.
%
Research shows that laughing for 2 minutes is as effective as a 20 minute jog.
So, I sit in the park and laugh at the joggers.
%
Irony. Our town's mortuary is located on a dead end street.
%
My Apple Watch sets fitness goals, and keeps track of my exercising.
I have feeling it's disappointed in me.
%
My new painting is just pigments of my imagination.
%
I've always had a way with women --- but very seldom <i>my</i> way.
%
The boss told me if I was late again, don't bother to come in.
So, I'm going with that.
%
Heads Up!&ensp; I'm planning on being spontaneous tomorrow!
%
I remember when admission to Disneyland was an arm <u>or</u> a leg -- not both.
%
Dunno about my brother-in-law. He <i>rented</i> the engagement ring.
%
When working towards a problem solution, it always helps to have the answer.
%
My wife says we should talk about doing something.
Well ... as long as we only 'talk' about it...
%
At my age, I worry about falling, so I wear a helmet.
I also worry about looking ridiculous, so I carry a skateboard.
%
I've never saved room for desert,
and that's never stopped me!
%
I never worried about getting old ... 'til I got it.
%
Seeing a jogger going past the house motivates me to close the blinds.
%
My wife seems to have `predictive text'.
In any case, she'll finish my sentences.
%
My car is so old it requires 4 occupants.
One to steer and 3 to push.
%
The 6th grade was my favorite grade in school.
Best two years of my life.
%
I've quit reading the news out of Washington, DC.
I yearn for the day when villages had only one idiot.
%
Nobody on their deathbed ever said, "I wish I had done more laundry."
%
Choices! The healthy wheat bread, or the no-so-healthy white bread?
My head says "healthy", but my stomach says "both".
%
I live life according to two simple principles:
1. I do what I want.&emsp;2. I don't know what I want.
%
My friend always SCUBA dives with an extra tank with him.
He airs on the side of caution.
%
I'm now at the age where I'd want to win an appliance on The Price Is Right.
%
Over 90% of the things I worry about never happen.
Worrying works!
%
I started to tell a railroad joke.
But I lost my train of thought.
%
My sister-in-law gets mad when I joke about her weight.
She needs to lighten up.
%
I sometimes reach a point in an argument where I realize I'm wrong.
But I'll feel compelled to keep arguing anyway.
%
Prediction markets -- Bet you didn't think the future would be this dumb!
%
Redundancy -- A politician with an air bag equipped car.
%
Now I see why "You can't take it with you."
I just received my hospital bill.
%
If at first you don't succeed,
then maybe you should do it the way I told you in the beginning.
%
IT Guy, "So, now press any button to continue."
Me: *Pressing the power button"
%
Mime-on-mime violence is a growing concern.
Apparently we just never hear about it.
%
The local sports team will supply players to serve a pallbearers.
It's for fans who want to be let down by the team&nbsp; one. last. time.
%
If I were to break a two-way mirror, 
would I have fourteen years of bad luck?
%
Don't let anyone talk you out of spending $15 on a new hobby.
That $50 will the best $500 you ever spent.
%
I was unable to follow in my father's footsteps.
When he left us, he didn't say where he was going.
%
Wow! How time flies when you're completely clueless.
%
Amateurs built the Ark. Professionals built the Titanic.
%
She thought she was God's gift to men.
Fortunately, I was able to re-gift her.
%
Funeral director, "The obituary should say more than '<i>Fred died</i>'&thinsp;!"
Widow, "Okay, then...&ensp;'<i>Fred died. Boat for sale.</i>'&thinsp;."
%
Overheard at a Spelling Bee in Worcester, Mass.
Moderator, "Spell <i>rooster</i>."&emsp;Contestant, "<i>R-O-R-C-E-S-T-E-R</i>.
%
If you rearrange the letters of POSTMEN, they'll become VERY ANGRY.
%
I'm actually pretty good in bed.
I hardly ever fall out anymore.
%
I did not forget.
I remembered 11 times at the <i>wrong</i> time.
%
My momma raised a complainer -- not a quitter.
I'll get it done, but you're going to hear about it.
%
I have an epipen that a friend gave me as he was dying.
It seemed very important to him, and I'll always treasure it.
%
For me, failure is the path of least resistance.
%
Make it idiot proof and I'll bring you a better idiot.
%
Customer, "I haven't received the deck of cards I ordered."
Customer relations, "We are dealing with it."
%
Inside every old person is a younger person wondering what the hell happened?
%
My neighbor asked me to help rounding up his 47 cows.
"Okay...&ensp; 50", I said.
%
To do well in the funeral business, one has to be dead serious.
%
My first job was in a walnut packing plant.
It's not all it's cracked up to be.
%
I married Miss Right -- Her first name is Always.
%
My wife just made some gluten-free, sugar-free, and vegan brownies.
Or, as I call'em: "Compost".
%
My kid got a camouflage face paint job done at the carnival.
He's at the ER now -- waiting to be seen.
%
I can't afford the expensive deodorants like "Sure".
My brand is "Doubt".
%
I went to my doctor with the complaint of a pain in my hip.
He removed some cash from my wallet and said to report if that helped.
%
I know I have to start each day one at a time.
But <b>not</b> if the time is 5:30 AM!
%
"I love Apple Maps."
-- Amelia Earhart
%
I've got photographic memory.
The worst part is keeping all the negatives,
%
They absolutely hate it if you bring your own starter pistol to track meets.
%
Science Fun Fact:
If you took all the veins in your body and laid them end-to-end, you'd die.
%
"Do you know the difference between toilet paper and curtains?"
"No..."&emsp;"Then it was <i>you</i>&hairsp;!!"
%
Golf!&ensp;The great art of playing fetch with yourself.
%
After my wife gave birth, I asked her gynecologist when we can have sex.
She said, "I'm busy now but what about 6PM in your van?"
%
It’s easy to sink a Polish submarine.
Just knock on the door.
%
I don't have a joke about labyrinths.
But if I did, it would be amaze&thinsp;zing.
%
You'll never know the real woman by dates with meals, wine, and conversation.
You'll discover the real woman by marrying her and forgetting her birthday.
%
My guardian angel just gave 2 weeks notice.
%
We've cut so many corners in our budget that it's looking like a circle..
%
My ex-girlfriend was a janitor and often smoked weed.
I dropped her because I can't deal with high maintenance women.
%
&emsp;<b>DANGER!&ensp; HIGH POWER LASER!</b>
Do Not Look Into Beam With Remaining Eye
%
I did my Science Project on black holes.
I really got sucked into it.
%
Most of the atoms in your body are over 13 billion years old.
However, <u>mine</u> feel much, much older than that.
%
Why do we read left-to-right, but turn pages right-to-left?
%
Yeah, the blonde hair, the bushy eyebrows, the long fingernails, and the boobs were all fake.
By the date was <i>real</i>!
%
I am always on my best behavior.
However,  my best behavior isn't very good.
%
Just a few years ago no one could approach within 6 feet of me without a mask.
I really miss those days.
%
You always find it in the last place you look.
So, look for it there first.
%
Carved his tombstone:
ACTUALLY, IT <b>WAS</b> MY FIRST RODEO
%
Albert Einstein married his cousin Elsa.
Which shows even his marriage was relative.
%
Albert Einstein had an uncle in the army.
That's how he got started on General Relativity.
%
Define the universe and give 3 examples.
%
None of my work is done, but I sure am&hairsp;!
%
And so ends another week without me becoming unexpectedly rich.
%
Somebody stole my sourdough starter.
Isn't that cultural appropriation?
%
My blind coworker isn't seeing anyone.
But, she does have a boyfriend.
%
My doctor says I'm morbidly a beast.
%
I slipped on the floor at the library --  in the non-friction section.
%
To all of you that said I'd never amount to anything due to my procrastination:
Just you wait&hairsp;!
%
I wrote a book about elevators -- It had its ups and downs.
I'm now writing a book about escalators --  It's a step up.
%
It's dawned on me that I'm going to be an adult for the rest of my life.
%
There's an Italian island with 5 million Sicilian people.
That's the largest number I've ever seen in my life!
%
Every time I think I'm discovering a new hobby
it turns out I just like to buy stuff.
%
I appears I bought a very leaky hot air balloon.
I fell let down.
%
I've been looking at all my laugh lines in the mirror.
For the life of me, I can't remember <b>anything</b> being that funny!!
%
I always make a New Year's resolution to eat healthy &amp; lose weight.
I'm just never specific about which year.
%
Friends don't let friends do stupid things ... alone.
%
I quit my job in pool maintenance.
I found it too draining.
%
My swimsuit told me to go to the gym.
But, my sweatpants were like, "Nah! We're good."
%
I can please some of the people all of the time,
and I can please all of the people some of the time.
But I'll have to please her until "death do us part."
%
A man considering a vasectomy asked his family for their thoughts.
The children voted 11&ndash;2 in favor &mdash; as did his wife.
%
I just burned about 300 calories with my treadmill.
I dragged it out to the curb &amp; put a "FREE" sign on it.
%
My friend just ran a half marathon.
Big deal! I've almost done a bunch of things, too.
%
Brother-in-law, "Can I ask a really stupid question?"
Me, "More than anyone I know!"
%
My congressman doesn't pass the buck.
Once he gets ahold of it, he keeps it.
%
Pilot, "The good news is we have plenty of parachutes."
&emsp;&emsp;&ensp;"The bad news is we don't have enough life rafts."
%
My brother-in-law is as lazy as a centaur on horseback.
%
The department store has Cucumber Soap for sale.
Silly. We just rinse ours off with water.
%
My son's math teacher is seeing an analyst.
Seems he has <b>way more</b> than his share of problems.
%
On the one hand, I'm indecisive.
On the other hand, I'm not.
%
Four out of five people suffer from occasional diarrhea.
I wonder who the one person is that enjoys it?
%
It can't hurt to open one little email attachment, can it?
%
Old geologists never die.&emsp;They just erode away.
%
If you lose your khakis in Ohio, it means you lost your pants.
If you lose your khakis in Boston, it means you can't start your car.
%
I’m not a vegan because I love animals.
I’m a vegan because I hate plants.
%
The hardest part of being a vegan is not telling anyone.
%
Maitre'd, "Good evening sir, nice to see you again."
&emsp;&emsp;&emsp;&emsp;"Is this lovely lady your wife, or have I got it wrong again?"
%
I donated my old basketball hoop to The School for the Blind.
It will be missed.
%
Maybe you're not happy with your life right now, but
someone thinks they found someone special in your ex.
%
Anyone can become a grave digger.
But to become a crematory technician, you have to urn it.
%
♬ When you're down on a dive, and an eel bites your thigh, ♪
♬ That's a moray. ♪
%
You might be a hermit if your trash goes out more than you do.
%
The loan officer won't show me my credit score without a doctor's note.
%
I will probably get through this like I always do.
Just barely.
%
New book is out: "Stairs For Dummies".
It's a step-by-step guide.
%
When I said I wanted to be mysterious &amp; fascinating,
I did not mean <i>medically</i>.
%
As I've grown older I've been thinking more and more about the "hereafter".
I'll often enter a room, only to think, "Now what did I come in here after?"
%
I am not indecisive.
I excel at incorporating multiple viewpoints.
%
I've decide to start living in the now -- eventually.
%
I can take a joke with the best of them.
That's why you see so many of them here.
%
I'm so old that my Social Security Number is <b>7</b>.
%
I'm so old that when I pass the salt &amp; pepper, it takes 2 trips.
%
I'm so old that I took my driver's test in a covered wagon.
%
Is a Venus Flytrap that eats only fruit flies a vegan?
%
At my last birthday, the candles set off the smoke detector.
%
Failure is not an option.&ensp; It comes free with the software.
%
I'm hopelessly single.
If I were Chinese, my name would be Lon Lee.
%
Life is soup; I am a fork.
%
There's a story about a boy at school who swatted a wasp with a lunchbox.
I had no idea wasps could carry lunchboxes..
%
"Sorry.&ensp;I'd like to ... really.
&ensp;But I need to stay home and eat an avocado before it goes bad."
%
Life is what happens while you're watching YouTube.
%
You should always order their Deluxe Chili.
It comes with a key to the restroom.
%
Our team isn't going to move cities.
They can't even move a football.
%
The restaurant is offering a new "Budget Plate".
You're served a meal that will fit on your credit card.
%
We had a powerful hailstorm on our wedding day.
Dramatic - yes. But actually more of an omen.
%
The county road department held their Employee Summer Picnic.
The barbecue was comprised of selected Road Kill.
%
Yesterday a Polish sailor with a harpoon was seen at the Wailing Wall.
%
Things are running real slow at the medical clinic.
The gentleman ahead of me is waiting to have a musket wound treated.
%
Some people pick their nose.&ensp; I was born with mine.
%
A ditzy coworker is having a big wedding and a super-fancy reception.
That's okay, I guess. Your 3rd marriage only comes around once.
%
There's Good New and Bad news...
Unfortunately, the Bad News may be the only Good News.
%
When I was a kid I thought it would so neat to read people's minds.
But after slogging through social media for years, I am SO OVER that!
%
It's rude to condescend. ("Condescend" means talk down to people.)
%
I dated an entomologist for a only a few months.
She still gives me butterflies.
%
It's weird how "Exercise" and "Extra Fries" sound alike.
%
I told my son he had put his shoes on the wrong feet.
After a reflective pause he said, "But these are the only feet I have."
%
What has 10 letters and starts with <i>gas</i>?
Automobile.
%
How would you know which kidney to donate?
%
Restaurant bathrooms are dangerous.
Many of my dates disappear in them.
%
The largest producer of Abe Lincoln merchandise is The Bureau of Engraving and Printing.
%
My favorite Christmas tradition is finding that gift I hid in the closet -- in late April.
%
I was diagnosed with low blood pressure.
Receiving the doctor's bill cured me.
%
I’m not arguing with you.
I’m just trying to explain why I’m right!
%
I always count the days until Christmas.
And I usually lose count around Thanksgiving.
%
Ran my first 5km today. Got a personal best.
%
A cargo ship full of books has capsized.
An alert has gone out for a massive title wave.
%
I just realized the paper towels by the gas pump are for wiping away your tears after a fillup.
%
I’ve had my filling of dentists jokes -- and optician jokes are even cornea.
%
When they say, "I looked you up online", I wonder which <i>me</i> they found.
%
My sister is not calling it a divorce.
She say's she's "releasing him back into the wild."
%
The longest part of my morning routine is deciding to get up.
%
The ancient Romans worked on developing effective poisons.
Poison I, II, &amp; III failed. Poison IV just made the victim itchy.
%
I'm currently out of the office.
I can be reached by waiting until I get back.
%
She, "Have you picked a date for our wedding?"
Me, "No. I assumed I'd be going with you."
%
They'll have an open house at the guillotine factory.
We'll beheading there tomorrow.
%
There was a lot of drama camping with my wife.
It was just two in tents.
%
If you hear a good fish pun, let minnow.
%
You can cook prawn all you want.
But they'll still be raw in the middle.
%
Breaking news: Ikea suspected of tax evasion.
But the IRS can't build a good case.
%
I was offered work as a motivational speaker, but I couldn't be bothered.
%
I once had a job as a store window mannequin.
I held that position for a long time.
%
I'll never be superstitious -- knock on wood!
%
I tell my wife that I love her in-laws so much more than mine.
%
They should add a feature to shows where they read the subtitles to you.
%
There's a difference between in-laws and outlaws.&ensp; Outlaws are wanted.
%
"Are you looking for a new accountant?"
"Yes. And for the old one too."
%
Experience is what you get when you don't get what you expected.
%
Everyone is 'rebranding' these days -- putting their names on things.
Just today my name was put on a traffic summons.
%
Ballet requires tremendous spirit, skill, and perseverance.
And that's just to put the tights om.
%
I run liked the winded.
%
I celebrate Earth Day.&ensp; Not so much Uranus Day.
%
I've waited so long for my ship to come in that my dock has collapsed.
%
Me, "I'd like to open an account."&ensp; Bank Teller, "Who cares?"
Interest Free Checking
%
I need to cut out a small piece of black tape.
That "CHECK ENGINE" light is so annoying.
%
Had an expensive date last night.
Our dinners paired well with a Diner's Club card.
%
If she won't date me for my sex appeal,
maybe she will for my vivid imagination.
%
I jot down my thoughts in a journal as they come to me.
Because I might get in trouble if I say them out loud.
%
I wonder what the inside of my nose smells like?
%
I'm so old I learned to water ski behind the Ark.
%
If I can't afford an ad blocker,
why do they think I can afford what they're selling?!?
%
My medical insurance only covers placebos.
%
Paramedic, "It's just a scratch on your leg."&ensp; Me, "Let me see."
Paramedic, "Well, your leg is in the other ambulance."
%
Me, "Is this the helpline for alcoholics?"
"Yes, it is."&ensp; Me, "How do I make a Mojito?"
%
Everybody loves Fridays because it's one day away from the weekend.
Well, Monday is one day away, too. Why the hate?
%
I keep all my valuables offsite.
The pawn shop.
%
Me, "Do you have any books on turtles?"&ensp; Librarian, "Hard back?"
Me, "Yes, with the little heads and feet."
%
Found 2 large bumps on my car battery and had them tested.
One came back positive. Google says it’s terminal. l was shocked.
%
Whats black and white and red all over?
The shopping list after she asked me to put ketchup on it.
%
My fiance wants to get married in the public library.
But I hear it's all booked up.
%
Joker, "Knock. Knock!"
Me, "It's open."
%
Lady Godiva was the first female jockey.
She never won, but she certainly did show.
%
I'm at the age that not finding parking at an event is enough to make me go home.
%
They say money can't but happiness.
But, how would I ever find out?
%
I think Congress folk should wear suits emblazoned with the logos of lobbying companies they're owned by?
%
Dog dictionaries have just 5 words.
But each word has seventy-eleven definitions.
%
I saw a chameleon today. I guess he wasn't a very good one.
%
On our first date she asked, "Do you like cats or dogs better?"
I was flipping through the menu, "What page are you on?!?"
%
Me, "I'm gaining weight from all the crossfit today!"
Coworker, "It's pronounced 'croissant' and you ate 4 of them."
%
I'm 82 and I still don't need glasses.
I drink right out of the bottle.
%
I had a brief job as an underwear model.
%
My brother-in-law has terrible table manners.
He can never wear a necktie twice.
%
A parasite walks into a bar and the barman says, "We don't serve your type here."
The parasite replies, "Well, you're not a very good host."
%
My brother-in-law exaggerates something like a million times a day.
%
I slept like a baby.&ensp;A baby with colic.
%
My brother-in-law will never retire on his investments.
He can't distinguish between a bull market and a bum steer.
%
The restaurant had to let their French Chef go.
They sacked Ray Blue because he gave everyone the crêpes.
%
I'm bound and determined to avoid idioms like the plague.
%
Do pediatricians only play miniature golf?
%
A child in China was born prematurely.
The parents named him Sudden Lee.
%
This coming Monday I'm giving my too weak notice.
%
Chicken Lips went to HR and complained.
Now we can't use nicknames at work anymore.
%
I'm returning these running shoes due to a problem.
I came to my senses.
%
A waffle is a pancake with non-skid tread.
%
I just realized what the problem is.
I don't know what I'm doing.
%
I always bring joy to a room.
Either when I enter, or when I leave.
%
The expiration date for grapes is just a birthdate for raisins.
%
It's gotten to where I can no longer have candles on my birthday cake.
At least, that's the orders from the fire department.
%
I'll bet my memory foam mattress wants to forget last night.
I know I do!
%
Trash is stuff you throw away.
Stuff is trash you keep.
%
A relative sold abacuses for a living in the 1960s.
He claimed to be part of the counter culture.
%
An optimist stays up until midnight to see the NEW YEAR in.
A pessimist stays up to make sure the old one leaves.
%
AutoCorrect has been around for centuries.
Most of us got it when we got married.
%
The food, weather and women made the British the best sailors around the world.
%
Tombstone inscription: "THAT'S ODD..."
%
Tombstone inscription: "EARL, WATCH THIS..."
%
I asked my wife if she'd love me if I was fat and ugly.
"Yes, I do." was not the answer I was looking for.
%
If dentists earn their money off people with bad teeth,
why would I buy toothpaste that 4 out of 5 dentists recommend?
%
I hired a translator while traveling in Scandinavia.
I was satisfied with the way he would Finnish my sentences.
%
My dog gets bitten by ducks when at the park.
It's to be expected, because he's pure bread
%
I usually regret making a good first impression.
Because it's so hard to carry that vibe for future occasions.
%
It's not the speed of life that bothers me,
it's the sudden stop at then end.
%
A megaphone is equal to a million phones.
A million microphones are equal to one phone.
Ergo, a megaphone is equal to a trillion microphones.
%
My brother-in-law is so dense.
It takes him an hour and a half to watch 60 Minutes.
%
Cannibals have learned not to eat anesthesiologists.
They give them gas.
%
My dad was very disappointed when I was born.
No. not a daughter. He wanted a Ford Mustang.
%
A cross-eyed teacher lost her job.
She could not control her pupils.
%
A wedding at a nudist colony won't have a dress rehearsal.
It would be very unsuitable.
%
Dogs don't sink in water because they're good buoys.
%
If you don't schedule time for maintenance,
your equipment will schedule it for you.
%
I always chuckle at "pumpernickel".
It's my rye sense of humor.
%
I accidentally used my dog's shampoo.
It wasn't so bad, and now I feel like a Good Boy.
%
He wanted to go spelunking for our first date.
I didn't want to, but I finally caved in.
%
I'm starting a new job at the chess factory.
I'll start on knights next week.
%
I'm nervous about my first date with a vegan girl.
Because I never dated herbivore.
%
If I don't wake up with a new ache, pain, or weird bruise,
I know one will be assigned to me later in the day.
%
I have no problem rolling out of bed in the morning.
It's getting up off of the floor that's difficult...
%
If you only focus on looking out for Number One,
you might find yourself stepping in Number Two.
%
My senator sidesteps the issues so often that he has a sneaker endorsement.
%
I bruise really easily -- even just making a gesture.
You should see my middle finger.
%
It's time to clean the house.
Haven't beaten any rugs yet; but I did slap around my doilies.
%
My date, "Oh! My sister knows you, and talks often about you.
&emsp;&emsp;&emsp;&emsp; But I suppose the less said about that the better!"
%
When I was growing up, if you missed a TV show, you missed it forever.
%
My brother-in-law claims he never lies.
It's just that he's "economical with the truth."
%
Your secret is safe with me ... unless I think others will find it funny.
%
I know a fella that's married to his 3rd cousin.
He should've stopped after marrying the first two cousins.
%
Being this old has its good and bad points.
I'm not dead yet&emsp; but I look like I am.
%
Doctor, "You'll do better if you'd just exercise and eat healthier."
Me thinking, (<i>I knew it. It's terminal!</i>)
%
I once dated an airline stewardess.
She dumped me because I had too much baggage,
%
<b>PREGNANCY WARNING</b>
Alcohol can cause lifelong
&emsp;&emsp;&emsp;Child Support
%
A möbius strip walked into a bar.
Bartender shakes his head, “It never ends with you, does it?"
%
My wife is learning how to operate a bulldozer.
I am not going to stand in her way.
%
Spilling a beer is the adult equivalent of losing a balloon.
%
I gave my brother-in-law a book of crossword puzzles.
He said he'd wait and see the movie first.
%
I visited <font color="#0000CD">Kelly&hairsp;Blue&hairsp;Book.com</font> for my car's value.
It asked me if the tank was full or empty.
%
It won't be long now until they add "Syndrome" to my last name.
%
My body is a machine that turns normal human experiences into shame.
%
Every pleasure is a guilty pleasure if you were raised catholic enough.
%
Overheard on the subway to work this morning:
"I think that guy is listening to our conversation."
%
How do Amish girls know if it's a romantic candlelit dinner or just a regular dinner?
%
There are <font face="Arial" size="4">ll</font> kinds of people in the world.
Those that understand roman numerals; and those that don't.
%
When you come to a fork in the road, take it.
-- Yogi Berra
%
I'm so old I can remember Baskin-Robbins very first flavor.
%
You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.
%
We've been married 10 years, but it feels like 15 with the windchill.
%
There is a distinct difference between a kayak and a canoe.
You can say "kayak" backwards.
%
"I walked through the campsite" is an example of passed tents.
%
Mary Rose sat on a pin. Mary rose.
%
Me to my wife, “You're starting to sound like my ex wife”.
Wife, “I didn’t know you were married before.”&ensp; Man, “I wasn’t."
%
"I thought you said your dog doesn't bite!!"
"That is not my dog."
%
I Never knew my brother-in-law drank until I saw him sober.
%
It's said that after awhile folks start to look like their pets.
I worry because I have a Chia pet.
%
I rarely sleep well.
And when I do, it's 20 minutes before the alarm goes off.
%
I'm so old it's rude to pull out the ibuprofen without offering some to everyone.
%
I started house cleaning -- beginning with my self-cleaning oven.
Hey, that button doesn't push itself.
%
When I was born, the Dead Sea was only sick.
%
Supposedly there are cows on the moon.
But only on The Far Side.
%
An introverted CPA looks at <i>their</i> shoes when talking to you.
An extroverted CPA looks at <i>your</i> shoes.
%
I found my current dentist by word of mouth.
After a few dentist visits, I now know the drill.
%
My daughter recently took up the baton in the school band.
But it's twirly to tell if she'll stick with it.
%
TV's biggest challenge is filling in the time between commercials.
%
I asked her to run away with me.
She said she'd give me a big head start.
%
I do yard work in stages.
The first stage is procrastination.
%
My Family Tree:&emsp;Great-grandparents: 4 children&emsp; Grandparents: 2 children
Parents: 1 child&emsp; Me: 1 cat, neutered
%
I was told all my high school teachers remember me.
They still have a support group.
%
Me, "Why do I sometimes get 2, other times 3 pickles on my burger?"
Pharmacist, "I meant .. any questions about your medications."
%
Beware of dating a chemist. They lure you with their magnetism.
They only call periodically. Then one day: Boom! They argon.
%
It's 2026 and my library has moved "Handmaid's&nbsp;Tale", "1984", "Hunger&nbsp;Games" &amp; "Fahrenheit&nbsp;451" to the non-fiction section.
%
Sometimes my sister-in-law shoots off at the mouth.
And most times it's just a bunch of blanks.
%
It's allergy season; or as my sinuses call it: Spring Draining.
%
You're an adult if you're outraged each time they rearrange your grocery store.
%
Flight Attendant, "Window or Aisle?"
Karen, "Window or you'll what?!?"
%
I trained my dog to fetch beer. You think, "Not impressive."
Well, yes. He fetches them from the neighbor's refrigerator.
%
I received a text alert from my bank.
They can't believe my card would be used for a gym membership.
%
Me, ""How can quantum mechanics and general relativity be unified?"
Waiter, "I meant any questions about the menu."
%
Fun Fact: Panhandling has nothing to do with cookware.
%
My company is knowingly selling defective whistles.
And I can't do anything about it.
%
I've tried being the bigger person.
Now I'll try being the bigger problem.
%
I do my taxes with TurboTax.
I just click on buttons until there's a number I can live with.
%
Never put sulfuric acid in a metal container.
It's just an oxidant waiting to happen.
%
My wife said if anything happened to her, I should take up with someone new.
Apparently, "<i>anything</i>" doesn't include getting stuck in traffic.
%
I could not decide on chocolate, vanilla, or neapolitan.
Somehow the clerk knew I wanted the waffle cone.
%
In my youth I was eager to change the world.
Now I just happily change the channel.
%
I got athlete's foot playing chess.
%
The collective noun for a group of possums is <i>not</i> a "posse".
But it should have been.
%
"I've been there, done that, and have the T-shirt."
I no longer fit into the T-shirt.
%
I'm neither as mean as I used to be, nor as mean as I could be.
I just wish more people were grateful for that.
%
I'm tired of women making a fool of me.
Yeah, I know. That's <u>my</u> job.
%
You make a New Year's Resolution for procrastination.
It just doesn't cry out "commitment" when you write it down in March.
%
A blizzard is when it snows sideways.
%
If you tickle a man to death by accident is it manslaughter?
%
I took a job caretaking felines in Nepal.
Query: Just what does a cat man do?
%
I was devastated to learn that my grandfather was from Transylvania.
Now I can't even look at myself in the mirror.
%
Tree, "You can’t cut me down, I’m a talking tree!”
Forester, “Yeah, and you’ll dialogue.”
%
I have this great second-job with a ride-sharing company.
I just sit in the passenger seat so that drivers can use the carpool lane.
%
We ordered the "Leftover Special" at The China Palace.
It was Egg Foo Old.
%
If all the world is a stage, I <u>definitely</u> missed the rehearsal!
%
Telling my son, "You can either be part of the solution or part of the problem".
He wants to know which one will pay better.
%
The sign said, "BUY ONE, GET ONE FREE".
But I only needed one&ensp;...&ensp;the free one.
%
I don't know who needs to hear this&emsp;...&emsp;so never mind.
%
Wife, "What is the capitol of Alaska?"
Me, "Juneau"&emsp;Wife, "No, that's why I asked!"
%
Putting Pavlov’s dog into Schrödinger’s box resulted in a No Bell Prize.
%
I told the ER doctor that I was bitten by a wolf.
She asked, "Where?"&emsp;I replied, "No. A normal one."
%
The one thing keeping me alive is my procrastination.
%
We went to an upscale, snooty restaurant last night.
The sign at the hostess stand said, "PLEASE WAIT TO BE TOLERATED".
%
Running is a great way to meet people.
Yesterday, I met 2 nice paramedics and I exchanged numbers with a cute ER nurse.
%
I was dismissed from Jury Duty, but I need to go back tomorrow.
I received a parking ticket while I was on Jury Duty.
%
I should go ahead and get that tattoo.
I'm already a disappointment for my family.
%
If it's sent by ship, it's cargo.
If it's sent by rail car, then it's a shipment.
%
If I was bitten by a radioactive lawyer,
would I turn into A Power Of attorney?
%
No individual snowflake feels responsible for the avalanche.
%
I told my son I needed a 9V battery and he asked, "Is it for a clock?"
I answered, "I don't know! That's why I need the battery!"
%
I recently had "The Talk" with my daughter.&ensp;I learned a lot.
%
I'm on a low, carb diet.
When I'm low, my go-to is carbs.
%
I got a full tank of gas for $50 today.
It was for the lawnmower. But a victory, nonetheless.
%
I just put $20 of gas in my tank.
The gauge went from <b>e</b> to <b>E</b>.
%
"Silly Putty" implies the existence of serious putty. And that would be C4.
%
I took an online quiz to find my spirit animal.
It was kind of sobering to discover it is extinct.
%
Age is just a number. In my case it's a <b>really big</b> number.
%
I used to watch golf on TV, but I needed exercise.
That's why I watch tennis on TV now
%
I claim I failed because I don't test well.
The professor says I don't <i>study</i> well -- or at all.
%
My man cave is in the basement, so it's fitting that my team is,&nbsp;too.
%
Breaking!&emsp;1/2 is 2/3 of 3/4.
%
Every now and then I catch on fire with great enthusiasm.
Then friends come from miles around to watch me burn.
%
People like to say, "Have a nice day."&emsp;Not me.
I prefer the more ominous, "Enjoy the next 24 hours."
%
Judge, "Sir, you have been found not guilty."
Me, "Thank you. I promise to never do it again."
%
Judge, "You have been found not guilty, sir."
Me, "Does that mean that I can keep the stuff I took?"
%
If God wanted me to fly, He would have given me tickets.
%
I feel cool &amp; calm, but not collected.
%
They say, "Each day is a gift."
Sometimes I wish there was a "Returns" window.
%
My mother-in-law claims I'm cut out of her will.&ensp;So?
What would I need with a broomstick and a cauldron anyway?
%
Of course all my teeth are my own.
I just made the last payment on them.
%
Gas prices are so high that I test drove 3 new cars to run my errands.
%
I believe in aliens more that I believe in a "runner's high".
%
I'm crunching the numbers to see if,
instead of deep cleaning the bathroom, I can just buy a new house.
%
The collective noun for a group of Karens is a Complaint.
%
If my sister-in-law ran like her mouth, she'd be in great shape!
%
I just got a new lease on life.
But I have to renegotiate it annually.
%
It's nice getting a Senior Discount -- if I remember to ask for it.
%
An optimist and a pessimist walk into a bar.
The bartender serves them a single glass of beer.
%
<b>Lemonade</b> (N.), An assistant used-car salesman.
%
<b>Courage</b> is knowing it's going to hurt, and doing it anyway.
<b>Stupidity</b> is the same.&emsp;And that's why life is hard.
%
I put the "sexy" in dyslexia.&emsp;... wait
%
Did you know we men only use a quarter of our brain?
It makes you wonder what we do with the other quarter.
%
Pro Tip: The way to find a mistake in your email is to hit [SEND].
%
The local carpenters union is out on strike.
They're looking to hammer out a settlement.
Everyone hopes it'll be nailed down this week.
%
I'm old enough to remember when passwords did <u>not</u> require
a numeral, a special character, &amp; a capital letter.
%
Supposedly unhappy people watch more TV than happy people.
Probably because the study called during their shows.
%
My cat doesn't like his tummy rubbed.
It's his pet peeve.
%
Every math book I ever read looked so sad.
They all had too many problems.
%
"My joints are so stiff."
"You're rolling them too tight."
%
I grew up on K Street where the house numbers were 64, 128, 256, 512, and 1024.
Returning years later, it was a trip down memory lane.
%
It's very rare that a defibrillator fails.
But when it does, no one is shocked.
%
There are no railroad winners or losers -- only railroad ties.
%
If it weren't for physics, I'd be unstoppable.
%
A friend is a fanatic about his hot air balloon business.
He really gets carried away with his work.
%
The suspect was apprehended and taken into custody.
The arrest is history.
%
<a id="K"></a>There are <a href="#K">10 Reasons</a> why I hate clickbait!
Number 7 will shock you!!
%
<a id="A"></a>Hey, check out this <a href="#A">Amish website</a>!
%
12.5% of me believes in God.&ensp;I'm an 8th theist.
%
The beach party was going well -- until the crabs arrived.
That's when things started to go sideways.
%
My eye would hurt with every sip of coffee.
 ... until my wife took the spoon out of my cup.
%
My mornings:&ensp;Wake up.&ensp;Wish I was dead.
Drink some coffee.&ensp;Wish someone else was dead.
%
The workers at the U.S. Mint are on strike.
They're demanding change.
%
Shakespeare walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “You better not make a scene.”
%
My brother-in-law wondered why he wasn't invited.
Well ... I knew he would come.
%
I wish I had the time to be patient.
%
My life isn't going according to plan.
Wait a minute!&ensp;I'm supposed to have a plan?!?
%
Some people worry about tomorrow. Some people worry about today.
Me?&ensp;I'm still hoping that yesterday will turn out better.
%
Coffee was invented pretty late in human development.
Explains why we are not yet completely civilized.
%
There's a new sign in the window of the local stationery store.
"WE'RE MOVING"&emsp;&emsp;How is that even possible?
%
My hypochondriac friend <i>actually</i> got sick.
Should I send a "GET WELL" or "CONGRATULATIONS!" card?
%
I had to go to the Emergency Room yesterday.
As a result, I had an out-of-money experience. 
%
I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror -- checking my imperfections.
It isn't easy, and I feel I should get a little more respect from IKEA security.
%
Remember: One careless match can start a forest fire.
But it takes an entire box to start a campfire.
%
Life used to be pretty barbaric
Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
%
I usually get a alert when my brother-in-law drops by.
His aftershave gets here 5 minutes before he does.
%
My sister-in-law is mad about her name being on the restroom wall.
She's complaining because they spelled her name wrong.
%
I'm banned for life from Disney World.
I took "Adventure Land" as a challenge.
%
I don't believe in generalizing.&emsp;Not as rule.
%
Somebody born in ‘33 was 45 in ‘78
Must be some sort of record.
%
There's difference between an Irish Wedding and an Irish Wake.
There is one less drunk at the Wake.
%
Getting old is like a walk in the park - - Jurassic Park.
%
Midwife: Helping people out.
%
I can keep a secret. It's the people I tell who can't.
%
I just got a big promotion at work.
It comes with a corner cubicle with a view of another cubicle.
%
I believe I've achieved the perfect Work-Life Balance.
I don't have a job, and I don't have a life.
%
I'm every bit as decisive as I was years ago.
Right?&ensp;Aren't I?
%
Recently I went on a "once in a lifetime" vacation.&ensp;Never again.
%
Everyone secretly believes I'm right about everything
But they're too darn proud to admit it.
%
When I said I wanted to be mysterious and fascinating, I didn't mead medically.
%
My sister-in-law was at the beauty shop for two hours.
That was only for the estimate.
%
Sister-in-law decided to get a mud-pack, &amp; she looked great for 2 days.
Then the mud fell off.
%
If I was a giraffe, I'd get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
%
My girlfriend says I shouldn't watch her shower.
The judge says I shouldn't call her “my girlfriend”.
%
I wonder what would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each other.
%
They say money talks.&ensp;If so, I'm in dire need of an interpreter.
%
I saw a lady at Walmart with her son on a leash.
I wonder if he was a rescue?
%
My last date exhibited more warning signs than a drug commercial.
%
94% of the time I am right.
Why worry about the other 2%?
%
This probably won't end well.
They had AI write their wedding vows.
%
Being a procrastinator, I'm always nervous on Saturday the 14th.
%
I'm going vegan -- starting today.&ensp;I'll quit cold turkey.
%
An Air and Space museum opened up near here.
It's just an empty warehouse.
%
I've more than kept my youthful physique.
In fact, I've nearly doubled it.
%
I feel like throwing in the towel, but that would just mean more laundry.
%
Here I thought I was cruising down Easy Street.
Turns out it was a dead end.
%
I tried starting a day without coffee once.
My court-ordered community service is over this week.
%
I feel like I can't keep it together - like I'm fall apart - coming undone.
sigh... Maybe I should've eaten more paste as a child.
%
My brother-in-law has delusions of adequacy.
%
I checked my home insurance; if my duvet gets stolen during the night,
I won't be covered.
%
The only good news is my story has the makings of a Grammy-wining country song.
%
Some call it multitasking, but I call it
Doing Something Else Until I Remember What I was Doing In the First Place.
%
My coworker reminds me of an electronic toy --
batteries not included.
%
I find procrastination is a great way to keep up with yesterday.
%
I have a collection of baseball cards.
Or, as my grandson says, "Hard-copy stuff".
%
In a wild goose chase, you would not be chasing the goose.
%
Technically, I'm closer to being a millionaire than Elon Musk.
%
Corals can die if stressed enough.
The biggest stress is current events.
%
The word <font face="Comic Sans MS , cursive" size="4">"nun"</font> is just the letter <font face="Comic Sans MS , cursive" size="4">"n"</font> doing a cartwheel.
%
The chicken crossed the road to show his opossum friend that it could be done.
%
The collective noun for a group of hermits is an "observance".
But, by definition, you'll never observe hermits in a group.
%
People who live near a cemetery can’t be buried there. Yeah, they're not dead yet.
%
Yup. I have a sweet tooth. The rest are dentures.
%
Hello. If you're not doing anything, I can help.
%
Whoever put the "b" in subtle knew what they were doing.
%
If I am streaming a TV show from the 1990s,
I want all the commercials to be from the 1990s.
%
My parents told me I could become anything I wanted to be.
So I became a problem.
%
"Stop acting like a crazy woman!"
"Bold of you to think I'm acting."
%
My sister fell in love with a baker.
But she wasn't what he kneaded.
%
When billionaires die, who inherits their senators?
%
Our band eliminated the triangle player.
With him, it was just one ting after another.
%
Interviewer, "Where do you see yourself in five years?"
Me, "I'd say by biggest weakness is listening."
%
Electric car owners are required to have a current license.
%
Florida: Where the average age, temperature and IQ are in the low 80s.
%
My date was a one legged brewery worker.
She managed the hops.
%
A local company builds small log cabins.
It's a cottage industry.
%
A river in Berlin has given up several bodies recently.
Ironically, German police are calling it a killing Spree.
%
I have a new job in a guillotine factory,
I’ll beheading there tomorrow.
%
My last job was in a podiatrist office. I feel so defeated.
%
I eat what I want and tell myself it's healthy.
Then the placebo effect does the rest.
%
I'll keep posting these lame chemistry jokes until I get a reaction.
%
The magazines in a chemistry library are found on the periodic table.
%
I'm fairly sure my fifteen minutes of fame already happened.
It was at 2 AM during the Spring Daylight Savings Time change.
%
&emsp;"Please listen carefully, as some of our options have changed."
&emsp;"Or maybe it's you who's changed.&emsp;Yeah, maybe it's you."
%
My new medicine has one serious side effect.
The cost!
%
I haven't gone to the gym in over a month.
Some call it slothful.&ensp;I call it willpower.
%
I've been told to eat better.
And there is nothing <i>better</i> than a cinnamon roll!
%
You know what they say about fast food ...
"Haste makes waist!"
%
Nothing is impossible to those that don't have to do it themselves.
%
You can have a job well done, or you can have it&emsp;done by me.
%
I considered archery for a hobby. But there were a lot of drawbacks.
%
When people yawn, do deaf people think they're screaming?
%
While vacationing in Egypt, I was offered 50 camels for my wife.
I usually smoke Lucky Strikes, but I know a deal when I see one.
%
"What does a yellow light mean?"
<span style=font-family: 'Times New Roman';>"Slow down."</span>
"W&ensp;h&ensp;a&ensp;t&emsp;d&ensp;o&ensp;e&ensp;s&ensp;&emsp;. . .
%
The library won't shelve books on how to commit suicide.
They know such a book would never be returned.
%
You don't have to be faster than the bear,
only faster than anyone else on your hike.
%
I was going to get pet insurance for my cat.
But they wanted to charge me for nine lives!
%
Anything in parentheses should (not) be ignored.
%
I always choose a wine that pairs well with the color of my carpet.
%
I have a video to play on the occasion of my passing.
I hope my lawyer can find a working VCR on eBay.
%
My nephew got some tattoos in cursive.
So cute! He doesn't know what they say.
%
I draw comics about election campaign promises, but nobody ever sees them.
%
I have a joke about immortality.&emsp;It never gets old.
%
My printer and I have a healthy relationship.
When It refuses to work, I threaten to replace it.
And then we both pretend the WiFi is the problem.
%
I was expecting today would be disappointing.
And it did not disappoint.
%
I think of the clothes dryer as a "Solid Matter Portal".
What else would you call a device that send socks to a parallel universe?
%
I told her I wanted to share my life with her.
She said to contact her when I get a life.
%
My only chance to become rich is to change my name to Richard.
%
I had a tough session at the gym today -- trying to get out of my contract.
%
I have a Polish friend who is a sound engineer.
I have a Czech one too...
%
Today I learned the difference between a crepe and a pancake.
Eight dollars.
%
Cop, "You're getting a ticket for driving alone in the carpool lane."
Driver, "You're gonna feel real silly when you look in the trunk."
%
I dated an ophthalmologist, but she wasn't good at all.
So I stopped seeing her.
%
The boss just called out sick.
No one knows whose butt we should kiss today.
%
I used to work at a shoe recycling shop, but it was sole-destroying work.
%
Looking back, my life coach could’ve been a fortune cookie.
%
I'm so old I can remember when phone calls were made with <i><font size="5" face="Times New Roman">high fidelity</font></i>.
%
My wife left me for a tractor salesman.
She sent me a John Deere letter.
%
My wife left me for a deaf guy.
I should have seen the signs.
%
My sister-in-law wanted a gifts that would make her look attractive.
Somebody gave her a bottle of gin.
%
The person smiling in the face of adversity has a scapegoat lined up.
%
She started calling me "Dumpling",
I had no idea she was planning to dump me.
%
It was so cold today that
I saw a group of snowflakes fluttering around a steam grate.
%
I gifted my acupuncturist with a cactus.
%
Why would anyone say "half a dozen" when you can simply say "six"?!?
%
An ATM that only dispenses coins would make perfect cents.
%
It always worried me that the place where you board an aircraft is called a terminal.
%
Why don’t snakes bite lawyers?&ensp; Professional courtesy.
%
Teacher, "What does 'translucent' mean?"
Student, "I'm trying to remember, but it's not completely clear."
%
My Amazon shipment of a vault and a speaker arrived safe and sound. 
%
We shouldn't worry about the world coming to an end.
It's already tomorrow in Australia.
%
There's one in every crowd, and they always find me.
%
She hasn't spoken to me all day.
I don't know if she's mad at me or if we're getting along.
%
The older I get the uglier I'm willing to be to go out in public.
%
I'm so old I can remember when 'text' was not a verb.
%
With my general disarray, people wonder how I ever keep track of things.
Bold of them the think I keep track of things.
%
In my daughter's case, it's always the "whine chill" factor.
%
Silence is golden -- unless you have children.
Then, silence is suspicious.
%
I'm always happy to see the sunset on the last Wednesday in February.
I've never been able to spell either one of them.
%
Beautiful women don't intimidate me.
Nope. They ignore me.
%
She was special but we liked different things.
I liked quiet evenings at home. She liked someone else.
%
My credit check always pairs with a reality check.
%
To all those that received a book from me for Christmas.
They're due back at the library in two days.
%
Being mature means you don't need fun to have alcohol.
%
Before the movies, where did people go to do their coughing?
%
I wish for a world where snooze minutes were as long as microwave minutes.
%
Conscience is that little voice in your head --
warning you that someone might be watching.
%
288 is disgusting --- because it's two gross.
%
My wife's birthday is coming up.
What do get a woman whose credit card balance says she has everything?
%
Wow! This is finally going to be my day!
I checked all boxes with a bus on the first try!
%
Conscience is that tiny voice in your head --
warning you that security cameras are everywhere.
%
My sister-in-law special orders her jeans from Acme Tent &amp; Awning.
%
%
I've often thought that life is like a movie.
And, if so, I've ended up on the cutting room floor.
%
My ex was totally into herself.
I was just too self-absorbed to notice it.
%
I can remember when we never said, "Remember when?"
%
I'm here to tell you that there is life after death.
When my husband died, I finally got a life.
%
If you've ever received a handmade gift from me,
just know that halfway through, it was no longer made with love.
%
I dated a guy who sold academic journals.
But only once. He had some serious issues.
%
My girlfriend says she is depressed because of me.
But people around the world have depression, and they don't know me.
%
Sometimes when I walking to the local park, I stop and look at the view...
And realize I'm going in the wrong direction.
%
My stepson used to tease me with "Fake Dad" when he was young.
He's now a college graduate and now calls me "Faux Pa".
%
How long do I keep a a pair of jeans hoping I'll be able fit in them again someday?
%
I have no idea what I'm doing, and I try to keep that to myself.
%
All I did was ask if if the Du Jour in the soup was locally sourced.
%
Our local ATM is often out of service.
I believe it suffers from withdrawals.
%
I told a ghost joke at a funeral,&ensp;which was a grave mistake.
I was just trying to put the "fun" in funeral.
%
I carved my garden gnomes from metamorphic rock.
I think they're gneiss.
%
Lawyer jokes have their own unique quality.
Lawyers don’t think they're funny &amp; non-lawyers don’t think they're jokes.
%
There's nothing sadder than the fifth day of an ice carving festival.
%
My kids mock me with my lack of understanding technology
and then they have to Google how to boil an egg.
%
My ex, "You'll never find a girl like me."
It's been 20 years, Thank gawd she was right.
%
A pregnant woman swimming is technically a submarine.
%
When I grill steak my mouth will start watering.
Does that happen to vegans when they mow the lawn?
%
The movie “Groundhog Day” came out in 1993.
Seriously!?&ensp;It seems like it was just yesterday.
%
Thanks to my wife's cooking, I salivate when I hear a smoke alarm.
%
So many people want to go to heaven -- yet none of them wants to go first.
%
I am looking through my high school yearbook, and it's uncanny.
I was voted most likely to do this and be embarrassed.
%
There's nothing wrong with my car that money can't fix.
%
That "No Tears" shampoo doesn't work when your kid is already crying.
Actually, it just makes it worse.
%
Obviously I am <i>backing</i> into middle age.
I have <i>no idea</i> where I'm going.
%
I'm in my twilight years with a clear conscience.
That's because I now have a lousy memory.
%
If you see a turtle on a fence post, it had help getting there.
%
I lost my glasses a month ago.
But that's okay, I've seen enough.
%
Animal Crackers: Training young kids to be carnivores.
%
The risk I took on that stunt was calculated.
But, as we all know, I'm bad at math.
%
Don't beat yourself up about it.
I'm just better at being competitive than you.
%
I'm pretty good about keeping my mouth shut.
But I can't control the subtitles scrolling across my face.
%
If I was supposed to pop out of bed, I'd be a toaster.
%
My first job was unboxing and labeling spices.
It was just a seasonal job.
%
I had to delete an IKEA joke -- the setup would take too long.
%
My brother-in-law has been engaged 5 times, but never married.
That's a lot of near Mrs.
%
I guess I've used filters too heavily in our Zoom meetings.
I went in to the office today, and nobody recognized me!
%
Two of the president's wives have been foreign-born.
Proof again that immigrants will do stuff that Americans won't.
%
Well, some of my tests results are back.
So far the doctors have ruled out anything inexpensive.
%
My wife's meatloaf has side effects:&ensp;Leftovers.
%
I wish I could reset my body parts to their original factory settings.
%
The Claustrophobia Therapy Group is full.
But they'll try to squeeze me in.
%
I want to be the age I was when I thought $5 was a lot of money.
%
Grand Prix drivers make pit stops to ask for directions.
%
My mom's clothes and jewelry look so much better on me.
I feel obligated to wear them to school.
%
As a kid, I liked to dress up as a monk.
Eventually I grew out of the habit.
%
Some countries worship monkeys; others elect them.
%
Use science to distinguish between an alligator and a crocodile.
Does it see you&ensp;<i>later</i>&ensp;or&ensp;<i>in a while</i>.
%
I wish I loved exercising and much as I love not exercising.
%
I like exercising.&ensp;It feels so good when I STOP.
%
It's the Chinese New Year -- the year of the horse.
And I'm still drawing snakes on all my checks...
%
I have an aunt that put away something for retirement.
Her husband.
%
I gave up eating potato chips as a snack.
Now I eat them as a meal.
%
Pleasing everyone is impossible.
Pissing everyone off is really fun and easy!
%
Seems my constant rescheduling of my stress test
was the first part of my stress test.
%
My brother-in-law firmly believes in the institution of marriage.
He's now on his 5th wife.
%
Do you suffer from getting up on the wrong side of the bed?
Do what I did -- push the wrong side up against the wall.
%
The easiest way to find a lost object is to buy a replacement.
%
I putting in the effort to be nice to my mother-in-law.
After all, I have a lot of karma to work off.
%
My pants are loose and I though I'd lost weight.
Instead, it seems the elastic just gave up the fight.
%
I needn't have worried about getting older.
I still do dumb stuff -- only slower.
%
My car has a huge screen that displays the weather.
Its called the windshield.
%
Spring is here!&ensp;I'm so excited I wet my plants!
%
A circus tiger got loose and killed a clown.
Witnesses say he went straight for the juggler.
%
There's a new TV series that studies religious urban cults.
It's called "Sects and the City".
%
We got a measly pay raise. But it wasn't all bad news.
The C-suite gave itself a huge pay raise.
%
My date said she had a litmus test for new relationships.
Luckily I don't have litmus.
%
Usually, when I find the going easy, it's because I'm going downhill.
%
Remember that nobody is perfect.
And as a perfect nobody, I ought to know.
%
I was named Employee Of The Morning ... for bringing in donuts.
%
The other kids had invisible friends.
I had a pet ghost. He followed me home from the cemetery.
%
My fashion style is best described as "clothes that still fit".
%
It was the best of shires.
It was the Worcestshires.
%
Computer, "Save this image as 660649f3e5c84d7l30.png?"
Me, "Yeah, sure."
%
Professor, "What inspired you to write this essay?"
Me, "The due date."
%
My wife and I will be buying some glasses today.
After that ... we'll see.
%
Valets don't just like parking a little; they like parking lots.
%
I like the leopard a little, but I like the ocelot.
%
Cricket is for people that think baseball is too fast.
%
National Nasal Congestion Awareness Week is coming up.
It will run until next Friday.
%
I'm adding "procrastinate" to my daily to-do lists.
That way I can always check something off.
%
Ever meet those people who make everything a competition?
Well, I've met more.
%
I'm only 7 slices in and I can already tell this pizza is not that good.
%
I cannot get a line of credit,
because I already have a line of creditors.
%
I asked my wife if she'd love me if I was ugly.
See said she does.
%
If you're having second thoughts, you are two ahead of most people.
%
I'm comfortable about laughing at myself.
And I never run out of things to laugh at.
%
Lead me not into&nbsp;temptation.
Just point me to it.
%
There's a rumor they are starting a javelin club here.
But no one know who's spearheading the operation.
%
It's said that running a 5K adds 20 minutes to your life.
Wait&thinsp;!&emsp;What&thinsp;!&emsp;It takes me 30 minutes to run a 5k!
%
Alcohol is actually a performance enhancing drug.
But you ain't gonna like the performance.
%
When a movie has a really good looking pizza in a scene,
it should roll in the credits and say where it came from.
%
My first patient as a vet was a cat that said, "Meow!"
I said, "I know. But where?"
%
Did you realize that the word "homeowner" has the word "meow" in it?
Good luck pronouncing it correctly ever again.
%
After my laser eye surgery they had good and bad news for me.
Well, first the good news: I'm about to get a new dog.
%
π&thinsp;r²
No. They're usually round.
%
A king sleeps on a king mattress.
A queen sleeps on a queen mattress.
A prince sleeps on an heir mattress.
%
I recommend using two different deodorants -- one for each arm pit.
But that’s just my two scents.
%
I don't know what brand of deodorant my wife uses.
Some kind of secret
%
Just got home from an appointment with my acupuncturist.
I found my voodoo doll dead.
%
Sorry, but I have no idea how to make a long story short.
%
There's no confusion when the Assumption Club meets.
We all know exactly why we're there.
%
Mashed potatoes is just Irish guacamole.
%
"You may test that assumption at your convenience."
Translation: Mess around and find out.
%
Before therapy I hated everyone.
After therapy I am ok with hating everyone.
%
A couple -- both blind -- were on a first date.
It was touch and go for awhile.
%
More useful than the first telephone was the <i>second</i> telephone.
%
She left me because of my conspiracy theories.
I hope she falls off the edge of the Earth.
%
My computer was hacked, so you might get an email asking for $50.
Please ignore it.&ensp;I need a lot more than $50!
%
I read a book about the Stockholm Syndrome.
It was bad at the beginning, but by the end I loved it.
%
I've got a busy week ahead of me.
Firstly, I have to fill my pill container.
%
Shake, rattle and roll was something I did at high school dances.
Now I do it while getting out of bed.
%
Somebody's therapist knows an awful lot about you.
%
No, I wasn't trying to make snow angles.
I was just trying to get up.
%
For days now I've been watching a new vision clinic being built.
A site for sore eyes.
%
I'm trying the decide on my career path here.
Corporate vice president or whistleblower?
%
I tried to surprise my wife with a home-cooked birthday cake.
But the oven melted all the candles.
%
I should be praised for keeping my mouth shut when there is so much to be said.
%
All the Helium factory employees speak highly of the place.
%
By the time someone in the meeting says something worth writing down,
I've already disassembled my pen and lost the spring.
%
My jokes are so good that I'm often invited to share them with HR.
%
I'm able to remember everything.
Even if it did not happen.
%
Interviewer, "Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?"
Me, "I'm not good at staying calm in <i>relaxing</i> situations.
%
I always say, "If you want something done right ... don't call me."
%
Clapping is literally hitting yourself because you like something.
%
I put the "hot" in psychotic.
%
Quite often my Google searches result in a Help-Line number as a result.
%
You never know what I have up my sleeve.
Today, for example, it was a dryer sheet.
%
I miss being the age when I thought I'd have it all together at the age I am now.
%
Non-conformists are all alike.
%
Kids these days use A.I. to do their homework ... and learn nothing.
When I was their age, I had to learn nothing the hard way.
%
I have a few good umbrella jokes, but they tend to go over people's heads.
%
Honey is the tastiest of all the insects vomits we've tried so far.
%
Sadly, even my best behavior was not god enough.
%
I remember my hot dates from years ago.
Now a hot date involves my recliner and a heating pad.
%
When I tell my kids I'm older than Google, they think I'm joking.
%
Can't tell you my dog's name.
I'm using it for passwords.
%
If I was good, I'd know what's smart for me.
%
I survived a grizzly bear attack with just a .22 caliber pistol.
My companion, who was shot in the knee, did not fare so well.
%
Performing a surgical operation without anesthesia isn't a problem, <i>if</i> you use earplugs
%
James Bond’s doorbell goes "Dong!&ensp;Ding Dong!"
%We haven't been told on what date our office party will be.
I need to know when to be sick.
%
<b>Pair of Crows</b> (N.) Attempted murder.
%
Online sports betting has gotten way out of hand.
Seniors with memory issues can now bet on the outcome of instant replays.
%
I wonder if a fish drys their pants when they laugh too hard.
%
I'll try anything once&ensp;too often.
%
Some days you're the windshield, some days you're the bug.
%
I have a large collection of jokes in sign language.
Of course you've never heard them -- which goes without saying.
%
Once had a job selling helium balloons.
But I couldn't hold it down.
%
You gotta believe Hard Work must've killed <b><i>someone</i></b>.
%
I just remembered why I went into the garage yesterday.
%
My greatest strength is that I'm a decision maker.
My weakest strength is that I'm a bad decision maker.
%
I'm so old that my dreams are in black&amp;white.
%
It's going to be One Of Those Days.
I still have leftover procrastinating to do from yesterday.
%
Don't rush me.&ensp;I'm waiting for the Last Minute.
%
<b>Cryptogram</b> (N.) A message from your deceased grandmother.
%
I'd like to meet the Tom who had an entire genre of foolery named after him.
%
"Do you have any favorite books?"
"Yes, <b>1984</b>"&ensp;"Wow, so many!"
%
"Do you look better in person or in photos?"
"In theory."
%
Son, "Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?"
Dad, "No sun."
%
We really never grow up -- we only learn how to act in public.
%
I was long ago taught to respect my elders.
But it's harder and harder to find someone older than me.
%
I'm going to start a secret society.
But I guess this is a bad start.
%
My autobiography has failed to sell a single copy.
Pretty much the story of my life.
%
You can determine an ant's gender with water,
If it sinks, it's a girl ant. A floater is boy ant.
%
Both my wife and I agree we don't want children.
We'll tell them tonight.
%
What I feared was an age spot was actually chocolate.
I'm not getting older; I'm getting pathetic. 
%
I never get the cold shoulder from a date.
No, they usually get cold feet first.
%
Do you know how everyone says "It's a funny world"?
Well, I don't get it.
%
I had some margarine recently.
It wasn't bad, but it could've been butter.
%
Installing linux is the 2nd best choice I ever made!
My <i>best</i> choice?&ensp;Deleting Windows.
%
Trying to find an honest politician,
is like trying to find a Tootsie Roll in a septic tank.
%
How does the the human brain ignore the second "the"?
%
I was googling for the best time to visit Switzerland.
Turns out it's when you have money.
%
No, I don't think before I speak.
That would ruin the surprise for both of us.
%
I'm self-assured ... right?&emsp;Don't you think so?
%
Ever since I was a little kid,
I knew I wanted to spend half of each day proving I'm not a robot.
%
I finally found a house in my price range.
I'll check it out when the police tape comes down.
%
It's so cold in here that I'm shivering uncontrollably.
It's scary because this is dangerously close to exercise.
%
There's nothing like an ice cold beer, after an ice cold beer.
%
Teacher, "Hey. Your child is causing problems at school."
Me, "He causes problems at home, too. Do I ever <i>call you?</i>"
%
They should announce a sequel to the "Groundhog Day" movie.
Then just release the original...
%
I hardly ever go out.
So, if you see me out somewhere, I'm setting up an alibi.
%
I joined the gym years ago, but there's been zero progress.
Tomorrow I'll go there personally to see what's going on.
%
Almost half of the spoons I bought turned out to be <i>convex!</i>
I think maybe they were intended for Australia.
%
Get married. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy.
If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
%
My fitness instructor told me to wear loose clothing while exercising.
I wouldn't have joined the gym if I had any loose clothing.
%
My friend has a trophy wife -- well, it's a participation trophy..
%
If you open a business finance textbook to Chapter 7,
does it immediately close again?
%
My biggest fear is that, when I die, someone will have to go through all my stuff.
%
What I lack in specificity, I make up for in other stuff.
%
I'm gonna tell you something that comes straight from the heart.&ensp;Arteries.
%
I was making jokes about other airline passengers' carry on bags.
They went over their heads.
%
My car came with 36 months of warranty, but 60 months of payments.
%
I've reach the age where sleeping on the wrong pillow
feels like I fell out of a 4th story window.
%
If at first you don't succeed, check to see if the loser gets anything.
%
Winter puts the "ice" in "Solstice".
%
In my defense, this is the earliest I've ever been late.
%
Just found out I'm part of the problem.
It feels good to be part of something.
%
I'll be flirting telepathically today.
So if you start giggling out no where, that was me.
%
Tis said A Little knowledge Is A Dangerous Thing.
Thus making my brother-in-law the most dangerous person in the world.
%
At some time someone probably fantasized about having a relation ship with me.
I sincerely hope they sought psychiatric help.
%
Show some respect for those of us that wear glasses.
We've spent good money to see you.
%
Moist people are not offended by the occasional typo.
%
I left the house today.
There were people. I don't recommend it.
%
Here's an idea!
An alphabet soup that lists its own ingredients.
%
The doctor says I'm healthy enough for sex.
Just not attractive enough.
%
Boss, "You're acting weird."
Me, "Well, first of all, I'm not acting."
%
The Maître d' was quite accommodating.
We could be seated in 30 minutes or 20 dollars -- whichever came first.
%
My uncle helped capture a German tank in WW II.
The enemy was caught with their Panzer down.
%
I never realized how funny I was until I started talking to myself.
%
There's a reason why no one likes math.&ensp;Everything is a problem.
%
"What do we want?!"&emsp;&emsp;"CLICKBAIT!!"
"When do we want it?!"&emsp;"The answer will shock you!!"
%
What does an escalator do when it stops working?
Nothing, It just stairs.
%
I dislike escalators. I take steps to avoid them.
%
I treat my in-laws like fine wine.
They're best enjoyed in moderation.
%
I'm not the young pup I once was.
In fact, in dog years, I should be dead.
%
I used to know how old I was.
But I think I'm older now.
%
No comment.&ensp;And you can quote me on that.
%
I come from a family of failed magicians.
I've got two half sisters.
%
I promised her that I'd work hard at being the best husband I could be.
In my own defense, I never expected her to have such good memory.
%
I think I had a pretty good weekend.
But I haven't seen the police report yet.
%
I was quite clumsy as a child.
Even in finger painting I was all thumbs.
%
A weasel walks into a bar. Bartender asks, "What'll it be?"
"Pop", goes the weasel!
%
Whoever coined the term coined the term coined the term coined the term.
%
Centuries ago people thought it was possible to fall off the edge of the earth.
I guess we're more careful now.
%
I asked another passenger to swap seats with me since I was flying with my family.
They refused.&ensp;So&ensp;...&ensp;I sat with my family.
%
I'm at the age where I don't remember what I forgot anymore.
%
I drove 3 hours in a blizzard to get a part for my computer.
It was a hard drive.
%
Afraid of dying alone?&ensp;Become a bus driver.
%
Yugos had a rear window defroster that kept your hands warm while pushing the car.
%h
A Yugo with twin exhaust pipes would be a wheelbarrow.
%
Give a man a plane ticket and he'll fly for a day.
Push a man from a plane and he'll fly for the rest of his life.
%
My son wants to take a "Gap Year" off after kindergarten.
%
"Lead Me Not Into Temptation"
HA!! Follow me; I know a shortcut.
%
&diams; Jewish people do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
&diams; Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the head of the Christian faith.
&diams; Baptists don't recognize each other in the liquor store.
%
I'm half-way to Stupid Rich.&ensp;Now I just need the money.
%
8:00am -- Anything is possible
9:00am -- But not today
%
I'm finding that self-reliance is not all it's cracked up to be.
Technically I'm relying on a guy who's not all that reliable.
%
Answering an "Unknown Caller" is like picking up a hitchhiker.
%
When all else fails, open another bottle of wine.
%
Once you get old you realize rigor mortis starts while you're still alive.
%
Folks' IQs should be presented like the weather.
Actual: 110&emsp;Feels Like: 85
%
Give a person a fish -- he eats for a day.
Teach a person to fish -- he always smells funny.
%
Constant change is here to stay.
%
According to this box of macaroni &amp; cheese, I am a family of 4.
%
The easy way to lose weight is to switch your bathroom scale to kilos.
%
Often when faced with an unpleasant task,
I find the patience to wait for someone else to do it.
%
I'll let you know when you've done something stupid.
That's just how eye roll.
%
It usually takes until noon before my phone's facial id accepts me.
%
My super power is turning bad situations into terrible ones.
%
My doctor wants to give me a pill for anxiety.
No, thanks,&ensp;I already have it.
%
A news report claims that a senior citizen falls every 2 minutes.
We need to find that fella and get him some help.
%
Sometimes I struggle to adjust to civilian life after going to the movies.
%
In Quantum Physics things can change when directly observed.
In my case, I change into an idiot.
%
I try not to reveal to anyone how weird I am
until it's too late for them to back out.
%
My fortune cookie said I'd be hungry in an hour.
%
Seems my New Year resolution went from Buns of Steel to buns of cinnamon.
%
I really should count calories, but I'm awful at math.
%
I wonder how many people work at the DMV?
The consensus is: about half of'em.
%
Once again it's a New Year and my resolution remains the same: !024 x 768.
%
Now I'm <u>really</u> old. I'm seeing more and more gray hair.
On my children!
%
We were told our company would be lucky to get him to work for us.
His 6 month probation is about up and, BOY!, were they ever right!
%
How am I doing?
The wolf is at the door and I'm wearing "Eau de Pork Chop" cologne.
%
I spotted a disgusting guy in produce.
I'm pretty sure I saw him take a leek.
%
Not bragging, but earlier I went into the living room -- just now into the bedroom.
And I remembered <i>why</i> <u>both</u> times!
%
Nothing enhances problem solving like panic.
%
The worst part about being arrested by a motorcycle cop
is having to hug him all the way back to the precinct.
%
There's an asteroid 5,280 feet long headed our way.
I'm sure this will be some sort of milestone.
%
If a tomato is a fruit, then ketchup is a smoothie.
%
Everyone has a little ADHD.
And I have the rest of it.
%
I used to have two wolves inside me.
Now I have a terrier and 900 squirrels.
%
UGH!!&ensp;I went and seized the wrong %!*@&$% day!
%
Procrastinate? I haven’t even begun to procrastinate, yet.
%
Which is worse? Folks that think every AI-generated video is real,
or those that think every real video is AI-generated?
%
I've forgotten way more then I ever learned.
%
I don't make plans in advance because I never know how I'll feel that day.
I also don't like same-day plans because it's to short of a notice.
%
I'm definitely in my Wonder Years.
I keep wondering where I left my stuff.
%
Philosophers only want one thing and it's simply discussing.
%
I don't call them wrinkles!
I earned every one. I call'em wise cracks.
%
I ran out of gas and it taught me something.
It's that my tank holds exactly 14.7 gallons.
%
The diner has some historical ambiance.
The feeling of ancient grease.
%
If a river valley becomes inundated by the sea,
but no one is there to see it, does it make a Sound?
%
Beef jerky is just a cow raisin.
%
The funeral director arrives early so that he can have his mourning coffee.
%
My wife's hearing is so good she even hears what I'm <i>about</i> to say.
%
What doesn't kill me merely postpones the inevitable.
%
I'm so out of shape.
I need to stretch and warm up before I stretch and warm up.
%
No great story ever starts with a salad.
That's why there's scotch or gin.
%
There was a silent auction at the Mime Convention.
%
I was helping my son with his history homework...
and most of my life's experience's are in his textbook!
%
I haven't cleaned my mirror in years.
It reflects badly on me.
%
I sometimes pray before a meal.
It depends on who is cooking.
%
A local man reportedly died choking on an egg.
Supposedly it was over easy.
%
My therapist said to write letters to folks who hurt me
and throw them in the fire.  OK, but what do I do with the letters?
%
It irks me that the word palindrome is not a palindrome.
%
I can't come up with a new palindrome.
Dammit I'm mad.
%
I would tell you a trigonometry joke, but it's hard to find an angle...
%
Why do I see so many toilet paper commercials?
Who's not buying it?!?
%
I'm always prepared to do anything ... that involves minimal effort.
%
I am trying to make a joke about my car's faulty satellite navigation.
Unfortunately I have no idea where I'm going with this.
%
The guy who invented nails died today.
His family is having a hard time holding it together.
%
Do you think Pavlov thought about feeding his dog
every time he heard a bell?
%
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend was wearing one when he was shot by her husband.
%
I can't tell anyone what my dog's name is.
I use it for passwords.
%
"You can't mow this early in the morning", said Tom after dew consideration.
%
The mortuary sign read "Free Corpses".
I knew it was a joke.&emsp;It was a dead giveaway.
%
Three golf clubs walk into a bar.
The putter &amp; the 9-iron order a beer.
The third golf club says, "None for me. I'm the driver"
%
There are 2 Rules For Success:
&ensp;1. Never tell all you know.
%
<b>Egypt</b> (V.), When you've been cheated by email.
%
Seems I'm not qualified to join The Liars Club.
They referred me to their auxiliary: The Fibbers Club.
%
I'm reading a novel about an immortal dog.
It's impossible to put down.
%
If you’re bad at haggling, you’ll end up paying the price.
%
This book about sandpaper is a work of friction!.
%
Interviewer, "Describe your biggest weakness."
Me, "It's probably avoiding tough questions."
%
Two fortune tellers meet on the street...
One says to the other, "You're fine.&ensp;How am I?"
%
Sometimes it feels like All The World Is A Stage,
and I missed all the rehearsals.
%
Mowing, raking, shoveling, .... to every chore there is a season.
%
Old librarians never retire.
They just go out of circulation.
%
I come from a long line of people with something wrong with them.
%
An interesting thing about getting older is
you hear from your skeleton a lot more.
%
I do my own stunts ... but never intentionally.
%
When your girlfriend starts off, "I just find it funny how ...",
there is a 99.9% chance she <i>did not</i> find it funny.
%
How does a narcissist screw in a light bulb?
He holds it up and waits for the world to revolve around them.
%
I'm having a tough time with my IKEA purchase.
It's not yet assembled and the warranty already ran out.
%
There I was -- working my tail off,
and nobody bothered to tell me the boss left early!
%
I usually tomfoolery myself into most messes.
And I will buffoonery my way out, too.
%
I have a roof leak.
On rainy days it's to wet too repair.
On sunny days it doesn't need fixing.
%
I was going to have a cyst removed.
But, I dunno, it's kind of growing on me.
%
Waking up each day is never easy.
But the world can't revolve around me unless I get out of bed.
%
I'm so old, when asked if I'm seeing someone,
I assume they mean a therapist.
%
Seeking one night stand.
Possibly 2 because I have two lamps.
%
%
I'm looking for a Home-Improvement Loan.
My mother-in-law says she'll move out for $7,000.
%
<b>Cow's Cud</b> (N.) Déjà Chew
%
I never know how many cups of coffee I'll drink in a day;
It depends on how much coffee there is.
%
I went to a 24-hour breakfast place.
But i got bored after 12 hours.
%
My witch girlfriend broke up with me.
She's now my hex.
%
Everyone who received the first Smallpox vaccine in 1798 has died.
Makes you think -- doesn't it?
%
The only part of your reflection that you can lick&ensp;is your tongue.
%
Cheese is simply a loaf of milk.
%
I do not think before I speak,
so I'm just as surprised as you are.
%
Just because it's a bad idea
doesn't mean it won't be fun.
%
Often I'll read a text and think, "What a psychopath!"
Then press [SEND]...
%
The couple next door are both undertakers.
They have 2 vehicles: His and Hearse.
%
I vacationed Argentina during their Fall.
It wasn't too cold -- bordering on Chile.
%
<b>Tycoon</b> (N.) A very wealthy trash panda.
%
The police quickly closed a stolen luggage report.
It was only a brief case.
%
She's not too picky about what I choose for a gift
--- as long as I save the receipt.
%
I joined the Liar's Club, but no one believes me.
At meetings we mainly discuss fishing, women, &amp; golf.
%
She, "I thought you were going to mow."&ensp;Me, "I couldn't get the mower started."
She, "What's wrong with it?"&ensp;Me, "Who cares?"
%
Spelling Bee, "Your word is 'embarrassing'."
Me, "It's okay. Go ahead and say it."
%
Start your day with a five mile run.
It's one way to guarantee it won't get any worse.
%
In southern zoos you'll find the names of the animals <u>and</u> recipes on the cages.
%
On the plus side, I am completely immune to flash-bang grenades.
-- Helen Keller
%
Me, "Can I ask about the menu, please?"
Waitress, "The men I please are none of your business."
%
If you're in the forest and you see the same tree twice, you are lost.
%
I have a friend named Robert Griffin.
We call him,"Bobcat".
%
Just how lazy am I?
I'd marry a pregnant woman.
%
I would be in awesome shape if mental gymnastics caused weight loss.
%
Nobody really likes rhetorical questions, do they?
%
I've been told I  am oblivious.
I hadn't noticed this.
%
Why would a tube of anti-aging cream have an expiration date?
%
Me, "What do IDK, TBH, and TTYL mean in text messages?"
Friend, "I Don't Know ... To Be Honest ... Talk To You Later."
Me, "Very well, I'll ask someone else."
%
When I was a kid, I was told I was too young to understand.
As a grown-up, the kids tell me I'm too old to understand.
%
A "Customers Convention" was held in town last week.
It was an opportunity to get together and talk <i>shop</i>.
%
If coffee isn't enough today, then neither am I.
%
I attend church were I'm told there a place in heaven just for me.
I hope this place can stream all the games I missed while in church.
%
Misers make wonderful ancestors.
%
My sister doesn't know if she wants one big wedding now,
or several small weddings down the road.
%
I only stayed up until midnight on New Years &ensp;Just. To. Watch. 2025 <b>DIE</b>.
%
I'm so old I know just about <u>everything</u>,
And I can even remember some of it.
%
Our night life is certainly different now.
Where once we flipped a coin to choose the designated driver,
We now flip a coin to see who gets the recliner.
%
I come from a broken home.
Everyone assumes <i><b>I</b></i>&ensp;broke it.
%
My ex used to be a fashion plate.
Now-a-days she's more like a platter.
%
If you have OCD and it involves The Hokey Pokey,
you just gotta turn yourself around!
%
My brother-in-law almost froze to death at the drive-in theater.
Someone told him to go see the new feature "Closed For The Winter".
%
I attended a planetarium show.&ensp;It was over my head.
%
Doctor, "I'm afraid you've contracted COVID-19."
Patient, "Impossible! I have 144 rolls of toilet paper in the garage."
%
Old snowmen never die.
They just liquidate.
%
The world is my oyster, but I'm allergic to shellfish.
%
She had a lure. He was a reel man.
In moments, they were hooked.
%
Concerned about my fitness, I joined a gym.
Now I learn I actually have to <i>go</i> there!
%
Several people were involved in an altercation at at the nudist camp.
Police had never seen such naked aggression!
%
With my diet I have on the one shoulder a devil saying, "One donut."
And on the other shoulder, I have a devil saying, "Two donuts!"
%
A healthy eating tip:
Eat Ice cream from a <i>salad</i> bowl.
%
I'm generally inept.
I'm striving to be more ept.
%
I have friend who is a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac.
He stays up most nights wondering if there really is a dog.
%
The least visited website on the internet is dyslexia.com.
%
The quickest way to trace your family tree is to win the lottery.
%
The funeral home is having a sale on caskets.
Each one comes with a lifetime warranty.
%
A pessimist might say I'm half empty-headed.
But, more likely, I am half-full of it.
%
My wife is my strength.
All the other women are my weakness.
%
Dear God, Please send clothes to those people on daddy's computer.
%
Reality is out of touch with me, actually.
%
If I found a patch of gray hair, I think I might dye.
%
I'd like to look younger.
But dye my hair? That's a gray area.
%
Somebody here is crazy, and it's not me who isn't.
%
Astronomers have named our galaxy The Milky Way.
But, isn't Snickers the one with nuts in it?
%
Thieves stole a cement truck.
Police have a few leads but nothing concrete.
%
My son asked if he would grow up to be as old as me
I promised him that he would reach my age or die trying.
%
All of us know that guy that'll do The Right Thing
-- after exhausting all other options.
%
Diets: Here today; gaunt tomorrow.
%
Tonight for dinner: Her "Bean There, Done That" casserole.
%
Do you pronounce it data or data?
%
I gave my coworker a "GET BETTER SOON" card.
They're not sick, I just think they could do better.
%
I wasn't fired.&emsp;I was promoted to customer.
%
Everything happens for a reason&emsp;that I make up afterwards.
%
My lawyer is awkward at choosing gifts.
So he sent me an invoice.
%
You aren't doing things wrong -- if no one knows what you're doing.
%
It's important to know when to stop eating.
I normally wait until my knees buckle.
%
Whoever said men don't cry never saw a father assembling a swing set the night before his child's birthday.
%
No man has ever won a game of "Notice anything different about me?"
%
John the Baptist and Winnie the Pooh have one thing in common.
The same middle name.
%
Sign at the crematorium says, "Walk-Ins Welcome".
%
An famous Australian baker makes an exploding pie.
He calls it a boom meringue pie.
%
Being in a relationship means solving problems together.
Problems you wouldn't have if you were single.
%
My son says his dog will run 2 miles to get a thrown stick.
I think that's pretty far fetched.
%
Vladimir Putin is going through Immigration.
Immigration officer, "Occupation?"
Putin, "No, just visiting."
%
A pilot friend was thrown out by his wife.
Last I heard he had crashed at a friend's house.
%
How many teenage boys does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one, but you have to ask him about 47 times.
%
Where would we be without rhetorical questions?
%
I'll bet telling fishing stories is easy for politicians.
%
No matter how small the purchase, always ask for the receipt.
You never know when you might need it for an alibi.
%
Most certainly my wife has made me a better person.
But I yearn for the self-absorbed social media idiot I once was.
%
I pulled a groin muscle.&ensp;It wasn’t mine.
%
I'm always excited when my wife goes Christmas shopping.
I can hardly wait to see what I bought her.
%
For more information, please read this aphorism again.
%
I need to live with this toothache a couple of days.
My dentist is out for some R<sub>x</sub>&amp;R<sub>x</sub>.
%
The older I get, the better I was.
%
Her half of our joint checking account is always overdrawn.
%
I need a longer dipstick for the car.
The one I have now doesn't reach the oil.
%
You can tell a lot about someone by the type of jacket they wear.
For instance, if the arms are tied in the back with buckles.....
%
I was going to walk the entire Great Wall of China.
But it's 13,000 miles long.&ensp;I'll visit the gift shop.
%
This year the company sent out their first AI-generated holiday email.
They finally put as much effort into creating it as we do reading it.
%
Age is a terrible price to pay for maturity.
%
I have a photographic memory, but all my shots are out of focus.
%
My office coworker has been awarded "Yes-Man Of The Month" again.
%
I ordered an anniversary gift for me from him weeks ago.
I hope he remembered to order himself something from me!
%
I enjoy doing Secret Santa.
But, this is the 5th year I've gotten the same fruitcake.
%
You can never argue about being truculent -- without being truculent.
%
My ex-wife still has an interest in me.
A 50% interest, to be exact.
%
I finally realized I'm not mysterious.
I just have poor communication skills.
%
The impact of microplastics cannot be studied
because there is no control group.
%
Her, "I like your personality!"
Me, "Thanks. It's a disorder."
%
My neighbor said, "Hi" again.&ensp;I'm just gonna move.
%
Internet remark, "You're the bad guy in somebody's story."
Me. "Bro, I'm the bad guy in <b>my</b> story."
%
My ex was named Ruth.
Ever since I've been ruthless.
%
I always wonder which of a pair of twins was unplanned?
%
Obi-wan and Luke are eating Chinese. Luke is clumsy with the chopsticks.
Obi-wan says, "Use the forks, Luke."
%
I did a web search to see the correct Roman Numeral form for 30.
Now I'm getting <u>very interesting</u> pop-ups.
%
I went to the hospital for one blood transfusion, and they gave me IV.
%
You'll occasionally hear me say, "I can't think of the English word for it."
That's so folks will think I'm bilingual, and not losing my memory.
%
The cafe's Soup Of The Day was "Cream Of Mystery".
%
Where is this "bright side" everyone tells me to look on?
%
The older I get, the more I understand that
it's perfectly fine to lead a life others do not understand.
%
I'm an only child.&ensp;If you don't count my sisters.
%
Roman Numeral puns a great.
And I for one will continue to make them.
%
An email from my energy company says "prices are changing".
Mysterious!!&ensp;I wonder if they're going down or up. I'll report back.
%
Today's safety meeting was all about what I did yesterday.
%
Welcome to the Assumption Club.
I think we all know why we're here.
%
Be your self. Everyone else is already taken.
%
My midlife crisis turns out to be a midriff crisis.
%
My life feels like an airplane trip, and I'm in the middle seat.
%
My husband asked if we would exchange gifts this year.
(<i>I exchange his gift most every year.</i>)
%
I went to the gym, but I didn't feel like working out.
So, I did diddly-squats.
%
I've worked out that working out is not going to work out for me.
%
I drew an image of Mark Hamill on my sleeping wife's forehead.
You should have seen the Luke on her face.
%
I haven't lost all my marbles, but there's a small hole in the bag somewhere.
%
I was on my way to work ... but I was running very late.
So I turned around. I did not want to be late for work again.
%
Over the years I seem to be using less shampoo, but more body wash.
What could explain that?
%
My dad used to say he wanted a computer that was as simple to use as his telephone.
Now he says he wants a phone that's as simple to use as his computer.
%
I like to start every day with a positive thought.
Like, in just 14 hours I'll be back in bed.
%
Her birthday is coming up soon.
What do you buy for the woman who wants everything?
%
Someday we'll all look back on these days,
laugh nervously,&emsp;and then change the subject.
%
Airline passenger, "How often do airplanes crash?"
Airline hostess, "Just once."
%
So, if I don't "Go Big", I can go home?
%
Mom, "How was your first day in school?"
Daughter, "First day!? You mean I have to go back tomorrow?!"
%
So, do I get it in her actual size?
Or, do I get it in the size she claims to be?
%
When the going gets tough&thinsp;,&ensp;play dead.
%
My work suffers from a conflict of no interest.
%
The best way to start the day is in the afternoon.
%
Any car is a self-driving car if you let go of the wheel.
%
I just got some good news.
I'm on a waiting list to see a doctor.
%
More people have been to Paris that I have.
%
I'm so old. I get carpal tunnel pain scrolling to my birthday.
%
I have a drinking problem.&ensp;I'm broke!
%
Our cable guy died.
His funeral will be sometime between 8AM and 2PM.
%
I wonder if Green Cards are made of recycled paper.
%
The fridge is a clear example of what matters most is on the inside.
%
I'm really bad at accepting compliments,
or at least I bet I would be.
%
Never believe anything until it's officially denied.
%
Once I set the bar as low as possible.
Straightaway I tripped over it.
%
My therapist plays violin music in the background.
I can report that violins never solved anything.
%
All lives should have nine cats.
%
My friend doesn't understand how cloning works.
That makes two of us.
%
The Wright Brother first flight was unique in many ways.
Most striking: No lost luggage.
%
I was late again.
I was stuck behind a student driver at a 4-way stop.
%
"Why did you decide to become an editor?"
"Well, to cut a long story short..."
%
Corals word-wide are threatened by stress.
The stress?&ensp;Current events.
%
Here's a question for all you mind readers out there.
&emsp; &ensp;
%
Me, "Uncle, can I ask you a stupid question?"
Uncle, "Better than anybody I know."
%
As a kid my mom often offered to slap me into next year.
I wonder if that offer still stands.
%
I was bitten by a radioactive sloth.
Now I am super tired.
%
You&nbsp;can fool some of the people all of the time.
Those are the ones to concentrate on.
%
My 6th grade teacher liked to flunk her students.
In the cafeteria she wouldn't even pass the ketchup.
%
George Washington was the only president
that had no previous administration to blame everything on.
%
There's a way to tell the age of a fake Christmas tree.
You count the rings of tape on the storage box.
%
Jogging my memory ought to burn calories.
%
I'm a diamond in the rough.
But I was not expecting this much rough.
%
Running into stationary objects can be painful -- according to a recent pole.
%
Me, "My new book is fantastic!"
Friend, "May I borrow it after you?"
Me, "You can't color in it twice."
%
My school chum Tom, is an orphan.
He will never have a family doctor.
%
New description for my boss: "Nickle-pinching monster."
%
Youth is fleeting, but immaturity is forever.
%
Vacation season is coming up again.
I don't know which of Paris or Rome I won't be able to afford this year.
%
I started a new diet yesterday.
Phew!! I'm glad that's over!
%
I've been reading articles about the negative effects of eating too much cheese.
So,&ensp;I&ensp; stopped&emsp;...&emsp;reading.
%
My doctor asked me if I ever "listen to my body".
Ha!!&ensp;I don't even listed to her.
%
I used to use cliches when writing or speaking.
Now I avoid them like the plague.
%
I'm an apprentice time traveler.
So far I can only go forward.
%
Damn!&ensp;It was a typo!
My doctor had prescribed me a low-crab diet.
%
I bought some extra body shampoo.
But no one else will shower with me.
%
Measure twice.
Purchase once.
%
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves.
That's where I come in.
%
I run every day for 30 minutes. If I miss a day, I add 30 to the next day.
Tomorrow I'm supposed to run for 3 weeks.
%
I've got 50 minutes to make it look like I've been flossing for the last 6 months.
%
Cars should have 2 horns. 1 for "Excuse me, kind friend,"
and another for "Curse you and your family for generations."
%
“Don’t break that pencil,” Tom snapped.
%
“DON’T PLAY WITH DYNAMITE!”, Tom exploded.
%
"I'm dying", Tom croaked.
%
“That’s gross,” Tom said for the 144th time.
%
“I love skydiving,” Tom explained.
%
“Needs another comma before the last adverb,” said Tom, grammatically.
%
“Britain should go on the Euro,” Tom expounded.
%
“My arm was severed at the wrist,” said Tom off-handedly.
%
"This highball is alcohol-free", noted Tom dispiritedly.
%
"I dropped my toothpaste!", said Tom, crestfallen.
%
“These scissors won’t cut,” said Tom snippily.
%
“I need this package delivered immediately!” Tom expressed.
%
“These lines keep intersecting,” Tom said crossly.
%
“Where’s the water?” Tom asked dryly.
%
“This tastes terrible,” Tom said bitterly.
%
“This campfire is blazing!” Tom said warmly.
%
“Earlier today there were 50 cookies in this jar,” Tom recounted.
%
“I like your bells,” Tom chimed.
%
“I’m empty inside,” Tom said hollowly.
%
“My power went out,” Tom said darkly.
%
“I think it’s the bulb,” said Tom delightedly.
%
“I only have vegetables,” Tom said fruitlessly.
%
“It's a touchscreen computer,” Tom pointed out.
%
“The night sky is beautiful,” Tom said starry-eyed.
%
“I think I am sick,” Tom said feverishly.
%
“Math is my favorite subject,” Tom added.
%
“I flunked my math exam,” Tom said testily.
%
“He changed my grade,” Tom remarked.
%
“My favorite number is two,” Tom said evenly.
%
“I want to go exploring,” Tom ventured.
%
“I prefer the back of the boat,” Tom said sternly.
%
“The days are getting shorter,” Tom said quickly.
%
“This lemon is much too sour,” Tom said bitterly.
%
“This sauce is full of ﬂavor,” Tom said zestfully.
%
“Put those knives down!” Tom said sharply.
%
“I have a frog in my throat,” Tom croaked.
%
“I love explosions,” Tom boomed.
%
“There’s something in my nose!” Tom snorted.
%
“Stand still foe the picture,” Tom snapped.
%
“Three plus three equals six,” Tom added.
%
“I’m over here!” Tom said distantly.
%
“I love fountains,” Tom bubbled.
%
I'm often told I give up to easily.
Oh ,&ensp;well&ensp;...
%
A parrot with clipped wings is a walkie talkie.
%
What word is spelled incorrectly in the dictionary?
%
There's only one word that is spelled correctly in the dictionary!
%
What word is always spelled wrong in the dictionary?
%
As a teenager I asked my dad if I could have the lawn mower to make money.
I guess selling it was the wrong initiative.
%
It wouldn't do any good <i><u>if</u></i> women came with instructions.
When was the last time you saw a man read the instructions?
%
I'd tell you a joke about anxiety, but I am worried you wont like it...
%
My inferiority complex isn't as good as yours.
%
All warning labels have at least one amazing back story.
%
Jerk chicken, "Just shut the hell up!"
Chicken Tender: &lt;starts crying&gt;
%
The coffee shop screwed up my order.
Wrong creamer, wrong flavor, wrong size...&ensp;They even spelled my name wrong.
%
​"I can't find the oranges," said Tom, fruitlessly.
%
​"I dropped the toothpaste," said Tom, crestfallen.
%
My daughter will flip a coin to make a career decision.
Hairdresser&ensp;or&ensp;author?&emsp;Heads&ensp;or&ensp;tales?
%
Based on what I see on your face,
I guess I thought out loud again.
%
I wonder what those "YOU ARE HERE" signs says when I'm not there?
%
I think the real secret to life is outliving my creditors.
%
After every recent election, I experienced post-partisan depression.
%
Last night I dreamt I was a Formula 1 driver.
I was fast asleep.
%
She said she'd love me more if I was mute.
That's not saying much.
%
You can't spell "cat" without a
%
My dad says he went to the same grade school 30 years ago.
Today my teacher told me she hasn't seen an idiot like me in 3 decades.
%
Well, I learned one thing in this project.&ensp;I'll never do this again.
%
My housekeeping method is best described as
"That's good enough."
%
I'm upset. She stopped speaking to me ... until today.
%
Every year I say, "This year has gotta be better than last year."
Well, this year I'm gonna stop saying that.
%
I like to ponder a lot.
In "scent", is the "s" or the "c" the silent letter?
%
Does anyone remember <u>precedented</u> times?
%
Well, I finally hit rock bottom.
I'm adding "Geologist" to my resume.
%
My wife wanted to know if she had any annoying habits.
Then she got all offended during my Power Point presentation.
%
I watch so many crime shows that when I turn off the TV,
I wipe my fingerprints off the remote.
%
"I can name any country in Africa."
"Oh?&ensp;Kenya?"
%
My doctor assures me that I just <i>think</i> I'm a hypochondriac.
Then she gave me a prescription-strength placebo.
%
My broker is trying to sell me 'apocalypse' stocks
He claims they're selling like there's no tomorrow.
%
I need something new to lose interest in.
%
I'm uncomfortable talking with trigonometry professors,
They tend to go off on tangents.
%
Officer Heart finally apprehended the suspect.
It was a cardiac arrest.
%
Our band probably will never break up over "creative differences".
We aren't creative enough to have any differences.
%
<b>Mansplaining</b> (N.), Correctile dysfunction.
%
I just found a pen at work.
Must've been mine, because when I tried it, it was my handwriting.
%
I went to the Conspiracy Theory Awards banquet.
I think it was all rigged.
%
Kind of awkward touching hands with a lady in a popcorn bag at the movies.
Especially when you don't know her and she didn't know you were eating her popcorn.
%
I am unstoppable!!
No, wait! Unstable, that's the one.
%
Ants made a seesaw with a toothpick &amp; half a crumb, but it didn't work.
They needed a full crumb.
%
I was desperate, so I bought a used car with no reverse.
I guess there's no going back now.
%
I don't believe we're eating enough small, green legumes.
So I became a Green Peas activist.
%
A king sleeps on a king-sized bed and a queen sleeps on a queen-sized bed.
The prince sleeps on an heir mattress.
%
As a kid, I would lay in my twin bed and wonder where my brother was.
%
PBS proclaims: "MADE POSSIBLE BY VIEWERS LIKE YOU"
They need to understand, there are <u>no</u> viewers like <u>me</u>.
%
Don't follow in my footsteps.&emsp;I walk into lamp posts.
%
The collective noun for a group of morons is <u>not</u> a congress.
But, it really should be.
%
I got a new job at a disposable diaper factory.
They make all new hires start at the bottom.
%
I'm finding it hard to cancel my gym membership.
They want me to actually come there.
%
I never want to see the the results on election night.
If it's good new, I'll be too excited to sleep.
If it's bad news I won't want to get up.
%
Never skip a good opportunity to shut up.
%
The doctor tells me I look terrible.
But she can't find anything wrong with me.
%
They're getting tired of my tailoring puns -- or sew it seams.
I guess sewing is knot for everyone.
%
The Jazz Club put on a 'Star Wars' themed show.
One of the highlights was a Han solo.
%
What doesn't IKEA just makes you stronger.
%
With my bushy mustache no one can tell if I'm smiling, or not.
Now, with hair growing out of my ears, no one can tell if I'm listening.
%
I just saw 2 blind guys fighting and I yelled, "He's got a knife!"
The both started running.
%
The government is using fake hornet's nests to hide surveillance cameras.
Whenever you see one of these, smash them with with a large stick.
%
It's pronounced "pecan" -- not "pecan".
%
It's pronounced "gif" -- not "gif".
%
Dear Santa, All I want is a fat bank account and a skinny body.
Don't mix it up again like you did last year.
%
I was asked if my tattoos had any meaning.
Damn, my life doesn't even have any meaning.
%
A distant nephew graduated from a Canadian high school.
He was a grade eh student.
%
&emsp;&emsp;DO NOT DISTURB
I'm disturbed enough already.
%
The zombie community held a pot-luck dinner.
It was a fête worse than death.
%
I watched a poorly produced documentary on Dark Matter.
It really lacked substance.
%
Sometimes I'll hold up a wrench and yell out,
"THIS IS NOT A DRILL!&ensp;I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!"
%
Some people assume I'm desperate for praise.
But, I would be absolutely fine with money.
%
It's easy to determine the age of a boat.
Just check it's berth certificate.
%
We have a new bakery that sells online.
Ordering is a piece of cake.
%
I recently came upon 3 dinner rolls in a cage.
The attached sign said they were bread in captivity.
%
I have an aversion to poorly designed apartment buildings.
It’s a complex complex complex.
%
Wife, "I watched someone on TV do 100 pushups. Could you do that?"
Me. "Ain't gonna brag, but I could watch someone do 200 pushups."
%
Santa’s little helpers are subordinate clauses.
%
There's a reason I treat my birthday as just another day.
Why celebrate the day when all my problems started?
%
How does one throw out a garbage can?
Just one of life's little bafflements.
%
If a vegan does crossfit, which do they talk about first?
%
I'm seeing real results since starting my diet.
Fatigue, anxiety.headaches, anger, depression...
%
If you think some of these jokes are ridiculous,
you should see some of my life choices.
%
My other bumper sticker is also&ensp;A. Cry. For. Help.
%
I went line dancing last night.
Well... Some would call it a roadside sobriety test.
%
My therapist told me to quit drinking alcohol and caffeine.
I laughed and said, "Maybe you're the crazy one."
%
HA! They asked me if I'm ready for the holiday.
No!&ensp;I'm not even ready for today.
%
Please stop asking me why I'm still single.
I don't ask why you're still married.
%
Yesterday I left work pretending to be sick.
Today 2 coworkers called in sick -- claiming they caught it from me.
Damn liars!
%
Wife, "Honey, out of my purse can you bring me my ..."
(<i>husband brings entire purse</i>)
%
My boss says there's a lot of evidence that I don't take my job seriously.
So from now on I will try harder ... to hide that evidence.
%
I got a new bed, blankets and a pillow for my mom.
The rest is up to her.
%
I put the SEXY in DYSLEXIA.
%
I hate it when my mouth says something that my mind was trying to keep quiet.
%
Staying in the house... Missing a party... Eating all my food...
All my childhood punishments are now my adult hobbies.
%
She keeps criticizing my misconceptions before I've even preconceived them.
%
A friend got a tattoo that says, "COMPARISON IS THE THIEF OF JOY".
I'm thinking of getting the same tattoo -- only a little bit bigger.
%
As I journeyed through life, I learned lots of things, and forgot lots of things.
It's Nature's way of preventing your brain from getting too full.
%
Always leave your worries on the porch step.
And hopefully porch pirates will take them.
%
I'm always ready to Face The Day.
But, it's the people that come with it that I have issues with.
%
Today I questioned my sanity.
It provided me with some great answers.
%
I feel sorry for the folks in middle management.
They're out of the loop but still stuck in the run-around.
%
I have an idea for an airline-themed TV Soap Opera.
I'm calling it "Delays Of Our Lives".
%
I can't believe I work this hard to be this poor.
%
I think my reality check is about to bounce.
%
How many Luddites does it take to change a candle?
I'm asking for a friend.
%
Waiter, "We have several chocolate desserts and carrot cake."
Me, "I'll have several chocolate desserts, please."
%
This year we're having turkey deli meat for the holiday.
Not having to carve it is a plus.
%
My sister-in-law's Three-Bean Salad is a triple threat.
%
I'm never wrong -- just different levels of right.
%
Using a double negative?&ensp;That's a No-No.
%
I got an email telling me to read maps backward.
It's just spam.
%
I'm so old that I've eaten grilled cheese sandwiches at Woolworth's.
%
Just once I'd like to answer my work phone with <b>"WHAT NOW?!!?".</b>
%
"For fast riders we have fast horses. For slow riders we have slow horses."
"For those that have never ridden, we have horses that have never been ridden."
%
I don't socialize much because I am broke.
If I ever become rich, I'll have to come up with another excuse.
%
Actions speak louder than meetings.
%
When you step on a person's foot, they open their mouths -- just like trash cans.
%
<b>Vegetarian</b> (N.), Indigenous Indian name for bad hunter.
%
Don't worry about your gray hairs.
Just remember the fun you had putting them there.
%
My previous company's environment was Draconian.
They had razor wire on top of the cubicles.
%
I'll never apologize.
Sorry, but that's just the way I am.
%
I'm thinking of making a Frankenstein movie.
I'll take parts of other Frankenstein movies and piece them together.
%
Occasionally my brother-in-law still screams out,
"A WASP'S NEST IS NOT A PIÑATA!!"
%
My company hosted an "Employee Appreciation Party".
There was a $10 cover charge.
%
Her heart has a will of it's own.
And several non-disclosure agreements.
%
There is a mysterious crime spree going on at the local IKEA.
The cops are having a hard time putting the pieces together.
%
I'm starting to think I will never be old enough to know better.
%
At my last physical my weight was normal.
But my height was 9 feet too short.
%
I'm not racist. I love all races.
Except marathons. I hate those.
%
Telling your wife to calm down works no better than trying to baptize a cat.
%
I was browsing through my old High School Yearbook last night.
I'd forgotten I was voted "Most Likely To Reminisce".
%
My girlfriend's family is against our dating.
Specifically her kids and husband.
%
My cat puts the "fur" in "furniture".
%
Once again I'm asked which images contain traffic lights.
Which is why I'll never get in a self-driving vehicle.
%
Why do they call it lipstick if you can still move your lips?
%
I wonder how long it takes a giraffe to throw up?
%
When you clean out the vacuum cleaner, you become the vacuum cleaner.
%
When bored, I call in sick at places I don't work.
Tomorrow I'm getting written up at Walmart.
%
To save on Christmas gifts, bring up politics at Thanksgiving.
%
I'm reading a book on levitation.
I just can't put it down.
%
My new car has a button for just about everything.
There's even one that says "Rear Wiper"&ensp;Still afraid to try that one.
%
I was going to get in touch with my inner child.
But the house isn't childproof.
%
I'm so old my only trips are down Memory Lane.
%
I need a hobby that doesn't include an "ADD TO CART" button.
%
The economy is really going downhill.
The department store laid off six mannequins.
%
My sister-in-law loves soap operas.
No one ever cleans or vacuums.
%
The early bird gets to cry a little longer in the company parking lot.
%
I'm old school. No GPS for me.
I have a sextant in the glove compartment.
%
"I'm anemic", she said un-ironically.
%
Well, it seems I <i>am</i> part of the problem.
But it feels good to be part of <i>something.</i>
%
I'm up to 30 minutes on the exercise bike!
Next week I'm going to add the pedals.
%
I think I second-guess myself.
But I'm probably wrong, right?
%
I worry that I need to look to others for affirmation.
But, that's simply ridiculous, right?
%
I couldn't see marriage in our future.
She'd eventually turn me in for the reward.
%
The best way to stay out of trouble is to stay in bed.
%
I've asked my brother-in-law to not give me any advice,
&ensp;...since I know how much he needs it for himself.
%
Every Monday I try to accomplish something ..... like making it to Tuesday.
%
I'm an optimist, but I don't think it does me any good.
%
I've gone from being upset when he forgets my birthday,
to "Please don't remind me!"
%
Why am I always asked, "What the hell were you thinking?!?"
I was thinking I'd get away with it and not need to provide an explanation.
%
I tried dating a scientist.
But we had bad chemistry.
%
I didn't have internet influencers growing up.
I had uncles who gave bad advice for free.
%
I haven't exaggerated in over 100 years.
%
My attempts to multiply various numbers by zero have amounted to nothing.
%
9 out of 10 tourists agree someone got lost on the group tour.
%
5 in 4 people have trouble with math.
%
It seems an order of barbecue always comes with a side of coleslaw.
I guess it's Murphy's Slaw.
%
The last 4 letters in "Queue" are not silent -- they're just waiting their turn.
%
What has ears but never listens?&emsp;Teenagers
%
Check this one out!
&emsp;<font face="Comic Sans MS , cursive" size="4"><b>1</b></font>
%
Our barn cat is named "Napalm".
He is a weapon of mouse destruction.
%
The productions of pennies has come to an end.
The Treasury Department said it just doesn't make sense anymore.
%
My clever disguise is complete.
Everyone believes I'm a responsible adult.
%
My buddy and I never laughed so hard in our lives.
Maybe next time we shouldn't sit together at a funeral.
%
Teacher, "Can you tell me 2 pronouns?"
Me, "Who? Me?"
%
None of my work is done.&emsp;But I sure am.
%
The loudest word ever shouted is probably <b>"QUIET!"</b>
%
Audiologist, "Describe the symptoms."
Me, "Homer is fat and Marge has blue hair."
%
Don't let statistics do a number on you.
%
A local proctologist dropped dead recently.
You'd think he would've known the end was near.
%
I did a Walk For Hunger last week.
By the end I was starving.
%
Some days you're the dog --- some days the hydrant.
%
If you think I am short, you should see my patience.
%
I survived the 60s --- twice!
%
<b>Engineer</b> (N.), Someone solving problems you didn't know you had in ways you cannot understand.
%
Whenever two people argue online,
I believe the one that spells correctly.
%
It only counts as Impostor Syndrome if you're good at stuff.
%
Don't put your trust in revolutions, kid. They always come around again.
-- Terry Pratchert
%
Today I learned a candle's flame smells like burnt nose hairs.
%
At my age I've seen it all, done it all, and heard it all.
Or so I think. I just can't remember it all...
%
I woke up one morning with a tattoo and married to Karen.
The tattoo was the good news.
%
My sister-in-law is so religious she says grace before chewing gum.
%
I don't procrastinate.
I do strategic waiting.
%
Children are deductible, but they are still taxing.
%
For sure I must be getting old.
I drove by a field of cows and I didn't say, "Moo!"
%
I'm doing a Crossfit program.
Each day I cross my fingers and hope my pants fit.
%
The U.S.A. is inching towards the metric system.
%
My wife is upset with my livestock analogies.
We've been locking horns ever since.
%
I usually have a bit of month left at the end of my salary.
%
It's a Jewish tradition to wish a birthday person "...to live to 120".
If it's their 120th birthday, you wish them to "Enjoy the rest of your day."
%
I'm saving <i>up</i> for a nervous break<i>down.</i>
%
Oh sure!&ensp;Blame the guy who's fault it is.
%
Anything worth doing should have already been done by now.
%
When it comes to knowledge games, I lack quizzical fitness.
%
I assure you I have never had an out-of-body experience.
If I did, do you think I'd return to this one?
%
A drink that goes well with alphabet soup is verbal tea.
%
She sure puts the "omen" in "women".
%
Me, "In my days kids liked dinosaurs."
Son, "As pets, or as food?"
%
I've accepted that I will never get back to my original weight.
After all, getting back to 7 pound, 5 ounces just isn't realistic.
%
"Well, to be Frank, I'd have to change my name."
%
What would life be like if we didn't overthink everything?
Yeah.&ensp;I think about it all the time.
%
I am thankful for Family, Friends, and
Caller ID to avoid certain family and friends.
%
Ma'am, be grateful that no matter how much chocolate you eat,
your earrings will still fit.
%
Streaming TV with HD is awesome.
Except for the second-hand smoke in old B&amp;W movies.
%
Birthdays are good for you.
Statistics show, people who have the most live the longest.
%
I have lots of niggly medical problems.
Each time, my doctor says. "That's caused by birthdays,"
%
We are certainly living in strange times.
Strange times call for strange people.&ensp;So, I;m good.
%
I'm a love machine&ensp;...&ensp;with the "CHECK ENGINE" light on.
%
There were many head injuries in the accounting department.
Some jerk rolled a nickel down the aisle between the desks.
%
I'm an adult in the same way a tomato is a fruit.
%
She said she needs time and distance.
Apparently we're doing physics instead of feelings now.
%
"Describe your love life in two words."
"My what?!?"
%
"Rhetorical" is still a word, right?
%
When did I become a "person my age"?
%
For some reason, I'm extremely secretive.&ensp;Don't ask me why.
%
I believe this is the only way to use a semicolon ;-)
%
First Rule of the Procrastinator Club: I'll tell you later.
%
I can always tell when they use fake dinosaurs in movies.
%
One of my ancestors created the part of a map that explains all the symbols.
What a legend.
%
I'm so old I once had a sundial wrist watch.
%
I'm not bossy.
I just give very detailed instructions.
%
I told her I'd go to the ends of the earth for her.
Right now she's in the bedroom packing my stuff.
%
I painted a black seat belt stripe on all my T-shirts. Just in case...
%
Actually, Dr. Frankenstein was a matchmaker.
His slogan, "Putting interesting people together for over a century."
%
Well, someone has to be the weirdest person in the group.
It might as well be me.
%
I just "shook off" all my injuries early in life.
Now that I'm older and slower, they've caught up with me.
%
Parmigiano Reggiano cheese comes from Parma, Italy.
And American cheese comes from subsidies.
%
I've made some bad choices in life.
But, at least I've never owned a pair of Crocs.
%
“Are you taking any medications?”&ensp;“Just marijuana, doctor.”
“And what are you taking it for?”&ensp;“Everything.”
%
I lost a vegan friend due to a recipe typo.
She was repulsed by my cake made with all-porpoise flour.
%
The librarian said she had no books on skepticism.
Hmmmm...&ensp;I think I'd better check.
%
I wonder if the pharmacist will give me a birthday gift.
She asked when when it was.
%
I was skeptical when my chiropractor said she could fix my posture.
But, I stand corrected.
%
My doctor said I'm paranoid.
Well, she implied it. I'm, sure.
%
Taxidermist: A cab driver that treats acne.
%
Autopsy is a dying profession.
%
As skeptical as you might be about hydroponics, it’s a growing industry.
%
Ahhh... The '79s and the '80s. The good old days!
So many great memories and so little evidence.
%
Apparently the FDA has approved a pill that treats skepticism.
But I'm not buying it.
%
10 signs you're an incurable skeptic ... you won't believe number 8!
%
I see the glass as half-empty --- but refillable.
%
There's a reason I'm well suited to give advice.
It's because I've done more stupid stuff than the rest of you.
%
My life certainly has variety,
Sometimes it circles the drain clockwise ... sometimes counter-clockwise.
%
Don't suffer needlessly.&ensp;Find a need to suffer.
%
Practice safe eating.&ensp;Always use condiments.
%
Maybe your body is a temple, but mine is a haunted house.
It's falling apart. It makes weird noises. And it houses the spirit of an old grouch.
%
Never say "Betelgeuse" three times.&ensp;I'm Sirius!
%
I should start training for future, high demand jobs.
Like AI or international trade.&emsp;Or tattoo removal.
%
I'm getting pretty good in the kitchen.
Vegetables tremble when they hear my name.
%
Sometimes I don't feel like going to work.
But then I realize that I was born cute -- not rich.
%
I'm a Jack of all trades.
Among the plumbers, I'm the best electrician. Among the electricians, .......
%
Sometimes I'm asked to cover someone's shift.
Hell, I don't even want to work my own shifts.
%
I'm so old I remember
knowing who the phone call was from.
%
I wonder if I ever bought milk from the same cow twice?
%
You're never alone if you have demons.
%
Exaggeration is a million times worse than understatement.
%
From now on I'll strive to be more or less specific.
%
Did the guy who came up with "One Hit Wonder" come up with anything else?
%
All the world is a stage, and I have to improvise <i>everything.</i>.
%
I am the captain of my fate.
However, my wife is the admiral.
%
All the town candidates ran "unopposed" in the last election.
I voted just to show moral support.
%
The "5 Second Rule" on dropped food does not apply to soup.
%
Was watching a TV show called "10 WAYS TO AVOID SHARK ATTACKS".
I was shocked that number 1 wasn't "Stay out of the water!"
%
Half the day I wonder if it's too late for coffee.
The other half is spent wondering if it's to early for alcohol.
%
I'm reading a book on lawn maintenance by Ray King.
%
"Daddy, what's a forklift?"
"Food, mainly."
%
Of course I talk to myself.
Sometimes I need some skilled advice.
%
I plan to live to be so old that my driving terrifies people.
%
This Fall my son started a leaf cleanup service.
He's really raking it in.
%
The truth shall set you free.
... Or get you convicted.
%
My brother-in-law uses way too much salt.
I'm told he puts salt on toothpaste.
%
I jealous. My dog gets bacon-flavored toothpaste.
I don't think he'll mind if I try it...
%
I'll never forget my dad's last words.
"STOP SHAKING THE LADDER!!"
%
I'm so old that my first job was inventing fire.
%
The effort to take my son to the dentist is like pulling teeth.
%
A ghost walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Yes, we serve spirits here!"
%
Do you know why the pyramids are in Egypt?
Because they wouldn’t fit in the British Museum!
%
I'm often grilled about my astronomical puns.&ensp;No comet.
%
"You have reached my voicemail. Please leave your name and number,
 and a damn good reason why this couldn't be a text."
%
I often like to wear pink.
To raise awareness ... in people that don't separate colors.
%
I knew a couple who were meteorologists that had a stormy relationship.
%
My body came with a lot of terms and conditions that I did not agree to.
%
I knew two geologists who got married.
But now their marriage is on the rocks.
%
I'm so old. If it wasn't for Restless Leg Syndrome,
I wouldn't get <i>any</i> exercise.
%
I haven't had a drink in 30 straight days!
That's because I only drink in the evenings.
%
I don't believe I have a drinking problem.
What I have is a watching-the-news-sober problem.
%
Learn from yesterday.&ensp;Live for today.
Look to tomorrow.&ensp;Nap this afternoon.
%
I have a twin brother living in Australia,
He and I were separated at Perth.
%
Any stairway can be a stairway to heaven,
if you are clumsy enough.
%
Any pan can be a non-stick pan,
if you non-cook with it.
%
Why buy it for $8 when you can make it yourself with $87 of craft supplies?
%
I have a tremendous sex drive.
My girlfriend lives 50 miles away
%
At at Father-Son baseball game my son exclaimed, "I see dad people!"
%
Two communists are sitting together in a nudist colony.
The one asks, "Have you read Marx?"
The second replies, "Yes! These damn wicker chairs!!"
%
The most essential among the essential oils is bacon grease.
%
Nurse, "Your next patient is a man with a broken leg called Mr. Evans."
Doctor, "OK. And what's his other leg called?"
%
I have good problem solving skills.
But my problem creating skills are where I really shine.
%
I now know why I have a younger sibling.
Mom wanted just one kid, but I wasn't the one she had in mind.
%
I spent all my adult life "Getting It Together".
Now I can't remember where I put it.
%
WARNING: Dates on calendar are closer than they appear.
%
I went to the School of Hard knocks.
We had our prom in the Emergency Room.
%
I'm not afraid of the final "Review" of my life at The Pearly Gates.
But, I do want to skip over the "Comments" section.
%
Now that I am old I realize "Grumpy Old Men" isn't a movie,
it's a training video.
%
I forgot my password.&ensp;"Enter New Password"
&thinsp;&bull;&bull;&bull;&bull;&bull;&bull;&bull;&bull;
"Error! New Password Cannot Be Old Password"
%
Now I have to trim my nose hairs.
Being a trophy husband is exhausting.
%
Don't suffer needlessly. Concoct a good reason.
%
Every time I go to the gym someone is always hogging the machine I want.
The snack machine.
%
I signed up for <u>match.com</u> and failed the typing test.
I don't appear to be anybody's <i>type</i>.
%
When I was younger, I was considered a loner.
I was a social vegan --- I avoided meet.
Sometimes I even avoided my imaginary friend.
%
You cannot control everything.
The hair on your head was put there to remind you of that.
%
It isn't the way I look that gives away my age.
It's the way I text with correct spelling and proper punctuation.
%
Violence is never the only option.
But, then again, it <i>is</i> an option.
%
Eventually we all learn that "NEW AND IMPROVED" can never outdo "TRIED AND TRUE".
%
I need some of you folks to start getting weirder.
I cannot keep pulling all the weight.
%
I'm reading a book on urinary incontinence by Lee King.
%
A mushroom walks into a bar. The bartender says, "We don't serve your kind here."
The mushroom replies,"Why not? I'm a fun guy."
%
My health insurance is kind of like a hospital gown.
You <i>think</i> you're covered...
%
Are you overthinking what I'm overthinking?
%
A sobbing möbius strip walks into a bar. Bartender asks, "What's wrong?"
The möbius strip replies, "Where do I even begin?!?"
%
Mother-in-law came to dinner and asked, "Why is your cat staring at me?"
I replied, "Because you're using her bowl."
%
I'm really old but I finally decided to get a tattoo.
It was suggested it be my name and address.
%
She and I got married way back in our college days.
We had no idea then that we couldn't live together sober.
%
The worst video game on my phone is my banking app.
%
Costco has a good deal on Condoms.&emsp;It’s an anti-family pack.
%
I always see more people walking into Sam's Club than out of Sam's Club.
But the meat's cheap, so I don't ask questions.
%
You know you've gotten old when both your diet and your life become bland.
%
The state highway sign said "WATCH FOR SLOW DRIVERS".
As lethargic as I try, I never get one.
%
Sign in a clothing store window:
&ensp;COME IN AND HAVE A FIT
%
Laundry:&ensp;Washing:&ensp;40 minutes&ensp;Drying:&ensp;60 minutes
Putting it all away:&ensp;6 to 10 business days.
%
Puns about the body are generally corny.
But puns about the eye are cornea.
%
The local aquarium charges $5 to watch the growth spurts of a juvenile octopus.
A sucker is born every minute.
%
Ironic that the 2 O's in cooperate insist on have separate sounds.
%
Scientists say the sun will burn out in 5 billion years -- leaving a cold, dark, empty void.
And now you know why scientists are seldom invited to dinner parties.
%
I think I'm allergic to my new dentures.
Every time I sneeze, they fly out of my mouth.
%
You can't buy happiness, but you can buy margaritas.
%
Sales lady, "Which credit card would you like to use?"
Me, "Yours!"
%
I was told life could be like a bowl of cherries.
But I was not told about the pits.
%
Last Halloween I put on a tutu &amp; hockey mask and visited every house in the neighborhood.
You might have questions...&emsp;You'll find it all in the police reports.
%
Chuck Norris always carried jumper cables ...
... in case he  wanted to start something.
%
I was attacked by a angry flock of geese.
They gave me goose bumps.
%
What has 4 letters, always has 6 letters, but never has 5 letters.
Re-read&ensp;it&ensp; s&ensp;l&ensp;o&ensp;w&ensp;l&ensp;y.
%
I had a real jerk tailgating me on the way to work.
He was so close he kept changing the stations on my radio.
%
Creativity dies a quick death in rooms with conference tables.
%
Love is a matter of chemistry, but sex is a matter of physics.
%
Spilling a glass of wine is the adult equivalent of accidental releasing a balloon.
%
My brother-in-law lost his job at the dairy farm.
They said he was a danger to himself and udders.
%
Once again I find myself overwhelmed.
Why am I never <i>just</i> the right amount of whelmed?
%
I came in second.
Well... It was a pickleball game.
%
So many politicians ... So few meteors.
%
She spent my $23 tax refund on a $395 coat.
%
The local paint store requires men to have a note from their wives.
%
A buddy asked me how much I usually spend on a 6-pack of beer..
I said, "Oh --- about 30 minutes".
%
The hospital called and reported that my wife was critical.
I told them I had long ago gotten used to that.
%
The police came  and said, "Your wife appears to have been hit by a bus."
"I know", I replied, "but she has a great personality."
%
My brother-in-law had a May-December marriage.
They married in May, and she divorced him in December.
%
Life will give you some twists and turns.
... and quite a few wedgies.
%
Koi fish always travel in group of four.
When threatened, Koi A, B, and C scatter, leaving behind just the D Koi.
%
If I look long enough for a matching sock,
I will convince myself that I only bought one.
%
I would never compromise my principals.
But, if I did, I'd lie about it.
%
"Died of a self-inflicted ear infection"
Who knew a water pistol could be so dangerous.
%
It's important to get out of the house once in a while.
I need to remind myself why I prefer not the leave the house.
%
I believe I'm a self-made man.
Others believe I have poor architectural skills.
%
If you say "gullible" really slowly it sounds like "green beans."
Go ahead; try it.
%
Every time I go out in public, the public is there!
What's up with that?!?
%
Do dogs and cats know they're naked?
%
I install smaller viruses on my computer to build up an immunity.
%
My passwords are protected by dementia.
%
My manuscript was rejected.&ensp;And it's being self-published.
%
I spent the weekend one Saturday afternoon in Shorty's Bar in Nob. Kansas.
%
Maybe not everyone's weird obsessions need instant confirmation,
but I always hoped I'd be asked to use Roman Numerals more often.
%
I told my friend she looked better without her glasses.
She said that <i>I</i> also looked better without her glasses.
%
All they've found at the crime scene so far is a shovel.
They're still digging for clues.
%
Aladdin was disqualified in the magic carpet race.
He was caught using performance enhancing rugs.
%
My mother-in-law thinks our children are spoiled.
I thought all children smelled like that.
%
They need to move the "DEER CROSSING" signs to where there's less traffic.
%
"Big Mistake."&emsp;"tap - tap - tap"&emsp;"Big Mistake".
Me -- testing the mic at my best friend's wedding.
%
I'm on a strict, light diet.
I eat by daylight -- by moonlight -- and by refrigerator light.
%
I'm related to people I don't relate to.
%
I had an argument with myself about which vowel is the most important.
I won.
%
I win about 60-65% of the arguments I have with myself.
%
I was tossed out of the chess club.
They found out about my checkered past.
%
When asked about his resume gap, he explained, "I went to Yale."
When then offered the job, he said, "Thanks! I really need the yob."
%
Of course we all know Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone.
But his brother, Taco did some pretty important work, too.
%
The local Chinese restaurant:
Bring girlfriend 5% off.&emsp;Bring wife 10% off.&emsp;Bring both Free Meal!!
%
If I ever started up a rock band, I'd name it"The National Debt".
We would be <b>HUGE</b>!
%
I know the exact moment when things went wrong.
It was when I wasn't born to rich parents.
%
I was at a baseball game where they had a designated hitter.
I guess the other players had a little too much to drink.
%
When will my "Old Enough To Know Better" kick in??
%
In my youth I considered myself "A Rebel Without A Cause".
Now I'm more like a rebel without a clue.
%
I read "The History Of Soup" in an old Reader's Digest.
It was the condensed version.
%
Blessed are the flexible,
for they shall not be bent out of shape.
%
There was some suspicious activity on my checking account.
Somebody made a deposit!
%
I wouldn't mind having a split personality if the other one did housework.
%
How do vampires put on makeup?
%
Can a mime talk in his sleep?
%
Fitness training has certainly given me body awareness.
Parts of me now hurt that I never knew I had.
%
Money can't buy friends.
But, with it, you can get rid of enemies.
%
Farming will always have detractors.
...and de cows. ...and de barns. ...and de horses.
%
I need to stop saying, "How stupid can you be?" to my brother-in-law.
He's starting to take it as a challenge.
%
I see your decisions, and raise you one eyebrow.
%
Life is much like Tetris.
The errors pile up and your successes disappear.
%
The shop checked my vehicle from A to Z.
And it seems I need a whole new alphabet.
%
Two can live cheaply as one --- for half as long.
%
I need to take a break soon and delete all the nostril photos on my phone.
%
Supposedly they're eliminating roman numerals.
Not on <i>my</i> watch!
%
Every Japanese comedian is known for sensei humor.
%
It's ok if you don't like my personality.
I've got may others....
%
Why would I ever take the high road,
when I could just take the psychopath?
%
Me, "I'm terrified of random letters."
Therapist, "You are?"&ensp;Me: [<b>screams</b>]
Therapist: "Oh, I see."&ensp;Me: [<b>screaming intensifies</b>]
%
Common sense is not a gift, it's a punishment.
Because you have to deal with everyone who doesn't have it.
%
Supposedly, "icy" is the easiest word to spell
Looking at it now, I see why.
%
I can spell candy with two letters.&emsp;C and Y
%
Three out of four students don't understand basic math concepts.
The other half do quite well in college.
%
Why do I always get blamed for the things I do?
%
I got a ticket for reckless parking.
I drove over a meter maid.
%
It's gross enough seeing someone pick their nose.
But my brother-in-law is ambidextrous.
%
I have no words to describe how this day went.
I do, however, have a number of hand gestures.
%
I lifted weights at the gym for an hour this morning.
Did I stretch, too? Well, yes. Calling it an hour was a stretch.
%
I've discovered that chocolate makes your clothes shrink.
%
One of the elective courses I took in college was
"Handwriting For Doctors". I was a natural.
%
I believe in facing reality,
but only because I'm afraid to turn my back on it.
%
I'm seeking a woman that thinks like I do,&ensp;Slowly.
%
I really hate the restroom doors at some bars.
I just want to pee -- not solve some bizarre puzzle.
%
It's silly to bake bread at 350&deg; for 55 minutes.
Simple math shows you can do it at 19250&deg; for 1 minute.
%
Standby for a joke about construction.
I'm still working on it.
%
My wife has threatened to leave me over my obsession with optical illusions.
I said, "Wait!! It's not what you think it is!"
%
&emsp;MY OTHER CAR IS ANOTHER CAR THAT HAS
A STICKER THAT SAYS MY OTHER CAR IS THIS CAR
%
Inflation is having an impact on bicycle tires.
Or, so says a company spokes person.
%
To err is human.&ensp;To forgive ... get legal advice first.
%
Any sleep I wake up from I consider quality sleep.
%
I have a fear of being in an elevator.
It's not claustrophobia.  It's the '70s soft rock.
%
I read an interesting fact the other day.
And I wish I could remember it.
%
For some reason, I don't like the number fourteen.
You might think that odd, but it's actually even.
%
Bad breath is better than no breath at all.
%
It's been so long, I think my virginity is growing back.
%
I accidentally filled my blowup doll with helium.
Now she's playing hard to get.
%
Having a colostomy bag did not deter me from taking up Karate.
And now I have a brown belt.
%
If at first you don't succeed, it's only attempted murder.
%
The crook that broke into my bank account started a Go Fund Me page.
%
I want to open a Two Dollar store for people who enjoy the finer things.
%
I put whiskey in my coffee because ... It's Ireland somewhere.
%
Double negatives are a no-no in English.
%
Did you ever have one of those days where you wanted to put vodka in the humidifier?
%
I'm not crazy. I prefer the term "mentally hilarious."
%
It's been one of those days,
I entered my ATM PIN into my microwave.
%
You can tell a lot about a woman by the way she pours gasoline on your car.
%
Sorry I'm late.
I put lotion on my hands and couldn't get out of the bathroom for 30 minutes.
%
Idolizing a politician is like believing a stripper really likes you.
%
I'm not old. I prefer the term, Numerically Robust.
%
I just got my electric bill.
The next time you come to my house, please bring a flashlight.
%
I drank a little wine last night while I did my taxes.
It turns out I'm getting four million dollars back this year.
%
My favorite part of Fall is when the mosquitoes go back to Hell.
%
My patience is like a gift card.
I'm not sure how much is left on it, but we can give it a try.
%
I have benefits if anyone needs a friend.
%
I have the body of a twenty-five year old couch.
%
I saw my doctor on Monday and showed her the rash on my bottom.
She just ignored me and kept pushing her cart through Costco.
%
I broke a light bulb today.
I suppose I'm in for seven years of bad ideas.
%
I farted in an echo chamber. I'll never hear the end of it.
%
Sometimes I feel like giving up.
Then I think, what's the use?
%
Sure!! I know right from wrong.
Wrong is the fun one.
%
Research has shown that drinking coffee in the morning helps others live longer.
%
How can a country that's three trillion dollars in debt give me a credit score?
%
It's not really procrastination if I have no intention of ever doing it.
%
I'm jealous of my parents,
I'll never have a kid as cool as they did.
%
I'm not paranoid! Which of my enemies told you that?
%
I love to give homemade gifts.
Which one of the kids would you like?
%
False hope is better than no hope at all.
%
I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is willing to learn from them.
%
I hate cooking so much, I don't even butter my bread.
%
Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?
%
Ever notice that 'What the hell' is always the right decision?
%
A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.
%
A synonym is a word you use in place of one you can't spell.
%
For as long as I can remember I've had amnesia.
%
My wife signed me up for a bridge club.
I jump off next Tuesday.
%
I either want less corruption, or a chance to participate.
%
Quitters never win, winners never quit.
But those who never win and never quit are idiots.
%
At my age, I've begun to regret the sins I did not commit.
%
I work for a living, I don't live for working.
%
Golf has more rules than any other game because golf has more cheaters than any other game.
%
I wish my mouth had a backspace key.
%
The old make the rules. The young make up the exceptions.
%
Some people are discovered, others are found out.
%
I only use deodorant under one arm,
so I know what I would have smelled like.
%
You've never been truly drunk
until you've had to use a bar stool as a walker to get home.
%
Many great discoveries are made by not following instructions.
%
It's not whether you win or lose, but how you place the blame.
%
I've got about as much self control as two rabbits on a first date.
%
Getting married for sex is like buying a 747 for the free peanuts.
%
Marriage means commitment.
Of course, so does insanity.
%
My brother-in-law is so stupid.
He took Viagra so he could join Up With People.
%
When I was a kid, I had so many pimples, blind people would try to read my face.
%
My complexion is so bad, I look like the goalie for a dart team.
%
Young men may exaggerate, but old men pretend.
%
The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.
%
I just got the bill for my surgery.
Now I know why those doctors were wearing masks.
%
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
%
Be naughty next year. Save Santa the trip.
%
Are golf balls as painful as athlete's foot?
%
A clean house indicates that the internet is down.
%
A good listener is usually thinking about something else.
%
Old quarterbacks never retire, they just pass away
%
I'm in therapy now.
I used to be in denial, which is a lot cheaper.
%
Excuse me for driving so closely in front of you.
%
In a restaurant always ask the manager, "Seat us at a table near a waiter."
%
I'm a procrastinator.
I didn't get my birthmark until I was eight years old.
%
I used to be lost in the shuffle.
Now I just shuffle along with the lost.
%
I had a great job as a bank teller.
I was bringing home $45,000 a week.
%
For every person with a spark of genius, there are a hundred with ignition trouble.
%
My new health club is so fancy, they have a spiral StairMaster.
%
A teacher is a person who used to think they liked children.
%
I'm as confused as a mosquito in a mannequin factory.
%
I don't mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is intolerable!
%
My ex is living proof of how stupid I can be.
%
I was asked if I could contribute towards the floods overseas.
I said I'd love to, but my garden hose only reaches the end of the driveway.
%
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces.
Example: I am going to the liquor store and I am afraid it's closed.
%
Our marriage is like a workshop. I work and my wife shops.
%
I will be the last person to die in my lifetime.
%
Men are from Mars. Women are from Visa.
%
Don't worry about old age. It doesn't last that long.
%
I don't have gray hair. I have "wisdom highlights".
%
My husband lets me do all the shopping I can hide.
%
Some call it bitching. I call it motivational speaking.
%
The hardest part of dating a blind woman is getting her husband's voice right.
%
Everyone has a right to be stupid.
Politicians just abuse the privilege.
%
The world would be a cleaner place if we gave blind people brooms instead of canes.
%
Life gives you choices. You can stay single and be miserable.
Or you can get married and wish you were dead.
%
True love is when two people lower their standards just the right amount.
%
If you keep following your dreams, they're going to file a restraining order.
%
The fastest way to quit being vegan is cold turkey.
%
I've always been afraid of gardening, but I decided to grow a pear.
%
If you have scurvy, you should hope life hands you lemons.
%
I knew the moment I slapped a statue on the ass I had hit rock bottom.
%
A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
%
I overdosed on Viagra once.
It was the hardest day of my life.
%
Alcohol is like a push-up bra for your personality.
%
I considered being a stay-at-home mom.
But then I realized the kids would be there.
%
Alligators can live up to 100 years,
which is why there is a good chance they'll see you later.
%
I received a stress test at my Doctor's office today.
They handed me my bill.
%
If it wasn't for false hope, I wouldn't have any hope at all.
%
Early man invented language, so to speak.
%
I wish I knew a way to lose weight.
Diet and exercise? I knew there was a catch.
%
I've been told that I am neurodivergent.
Well, maybe --- but I think differently.
%
Whoever says nothing surprises them should try working in our department.
%
I have a pet tree.
It's like having a pet dog, but the bark is quieter.
%
I took the shell off my racing snail to make him faster.
But, it just made him sluggish.
%
I requested a video of my appendectomy.
They included the bloopers at the end.
%
My intern was born in 2007.
I have unread emails older than that.
%
Anachronism: The fact that this aphorism is written in English.
%
My phone has a silent mode. Why doesn't she?
%
My wife wants something done about the bug problem in the kitchen.
I told her to just avoid making eye contact.
%
I have learned so much from my mistakes.
I'm thinking of making a few more.
%
I just know that everyone is discussing my paranoia.
%
I have a stash of emergency cheese.
You know ... just in queso.
%
I wish I had a pair of skinny genes.
%
Our boss brought in pizzas for the crew.
Somewhere a small town is missing all its manhole covers.
%
I still have all my wisdom teeth.
I'd rather have libido teeth.
%
I can rise and shine ... but just not at the same time.
%
You should never anthropomorphize a computer.
Because ... they don't like it.
%
Are Australians simply British Texans?
%
I won a "Best In Fiction" award in the local writing contest.
Unbeknownst to me, my boss submitted my expense reports.
%
Body piercing is just reverse voodoo.
Somewhere a doll that looks like my brother-in-law is in great pain.
%
I have this strange, visceral feeling of dread and foreboding.
Either that, or it was the Tex-Mex burrito.
%
Each day I assert. "Today will be the best day of my life."
I like to start the day with a dose of self-delusion.
%
I get plenty of exercise.
I live in a two-story house and I have a terrible short-term memory.
%
My brother-in-law meets women the old fashion way.
He uses poor judgment with alcohol.
%
It's said with age comes wisdom.
I don't have wrinkles, I have wise cracks.
%
I don't suppose a little exercise would do me any harm.
But then, why take the risk?
%
I'm so old I had to trudge through 9 feet of shag carpet to change the TV channel.
%
I met Neil Armstrong once.
He was surprisingly down to earth.
%
I'm right 90% of the time.
The other half is when I have to do math.
%
The wife has been missing a week and police said to prepare for the worst.
So, I went to the thrift shop to buy back all her clothes.
%
Exit signs are on the way out.
%
I'm so old I don't have a doctor. I have an archaeologist.
%
I don't want to retire,
I just want 26 weeks vacation twice a year.
%
I can almost always tell when a movie doesn't use real dinosaurs.
%
Walmart is opening dental offices in some of its stores.
Will there be an express lane for people with twelve or fewer teeth?
%
Procrastination is a good thing.
You always have something to do tomorrow; plus you have nothing to do today.
%
Hooters never launched a home delivery service called Knockers.
I feel it's a missed business opportunity.
%
Knowing how to pick locks has opened up a lot of doors for me.
%
My urologist is pleased with my test results.
He's my number one fan.
%
I shot a man with a paint ball gun just to watch him dye.
%
I once knew a woman that owned a Taser.
She was stunning. She wasn't just cute, she was electrocute.
%
Writing my name in cursive is my signature move.
%
I got a job working in a 24 hour chess factory.
I'm on knights this week.
%
My poker playing friend has a new prosthetic arm.
He's having a hard time dealing with it.
%
The shopping list said "6 cans of Sprite",. but I picked 7 UP.
%
There's a problem in my left ear.&emsp;I'm definite.
%
My first job was working in a Teddy Bear factory.
I had no job title.&ensp;I just did ... stuff.
%
I bought a tent for 20% off, and lived in it from November until March.
It was the Winter of my discount tent.
%
I feel useless both before and after my first cup of coffee at work.
But my uselessness is much more attentive after that cup.
%
If this goes on, we soon won't be able to tell who is crazy and who isn't.
This could really work out well for me.
%
I'm so old I easily get sports injuries.
And I don't play any sports.
%
Lately when I have the flying dream, I can't get past security.
%
I was late in paying my cosmetic surgeon.
He gave me my wrinkles back.
%
I went grocery shopping on an empty stomach.
Now I am the proud owner of aisle 7.
%
Doctor, "Those growths on your back? They're benign."
Pirate, "Arrrgh! But yesterday there be only six."
%
Every time I thought I was ugly, I was wrong.
Every time I thought I was brilliant, I was also wrong.
%
My IQ test required a Number Two pencil.
Which I didn't have, so I used two Number Ones.
%
My son's school cafeteria puts the "gore" in gourmet.
%
This is definitely the worst hood I've ever been in.&ensp;"Adulthood"
%
I've not left any instructions for my burial or cremation.
I told'em to surprise me.
%
If one person is tailgating you, they are the problem.
If everyone is tailgating you. your are the problem.
%
Some people need to finish chores before they can relax.
Others can't start chore until they are relaxed.
And then those two marry each other.
%
Achilles's Heel: A legend about a leg&thinsp;end.
%
What's the word on the street?
"CONSTRUCTION AHEAD"
%
My previous job at a fulfillment center was unsatisfying.
%
The Scots inverted bagpipes because just inventing golf wasn't annoying enough.
%
Harvesting apples is easy when you live in an earthquake zone.
%
I want my children to have all the nice thing I couldn't afford.
Then I'll move in with them.
%
Maybe it's time for me to give up my driver's license.
I see too many people on the sidewalks now-a-days.
%
With age comes wisdom,
and an interesting new body noise every day.
%
There is one thing good about being imperfect.
It's the joy that it brings to others.
%
You can walk around without shoes. Eventually, tho', it'll hurt your feet.
Time&nbsp;wounds all heels.
%
I can take it when life throws me a curve.
But, it's the beanballs that I can't stand.
%
I'm at the rookie stage when it comes to pickleball.
I'm still using cucumbers.
%
Who is the Moderation that everyone tells me to drink with?
%
Husband, "Would you still love me if I was ugly?"
Wife, "Of course I do!"
%
I am a pitcher in our local baseball league.
I had a no-hitter going until the bottom half of the 2nd.
%
My brother-in-law is a mime.&ensp;He makes prank phone calls.
%
The fun starts when I arrive. &emsp;  I must not be here.
%
After retirement I set my alarm to wake me on Mondays for work.
Then I smile and go back to sleep.
%
My first marriage was awful. In one fight I broke an ankle <i>and</i> a wrist.
It wasn't as bad as you'd think.&ensp;They were both his.
%
Atheism is no fun.&ensp;No holidays.
%
",,, and viewers like you."
Buster, there <i>are no</i> viewers like me!
%
"Dear contributor, Thank you for submitting your manuscript."
"We think you have a future in writing -- like maybe addressing envelopes."
%
Now that I'm buying my own groceries,
the off-brand doesn't taste so different.
%
If you don't like my sense of humor, tell me ... so I can laugh at you.
%
If you fill a pinata with ketchup,
you'll never again be asked to host a children's party.
%
Start every phone call with, "My phone is about to die."
Then you can hang up whenever you want.
%
My wife always needs a little peace and quiet while cooking dinner.
So I take the batteries out of the smoke detectors.
%
Thanks goodness for George Washington.
Without him we'd all be speaking English.
%
The sign that said “Free Fish!” but I wasn’t taken in.
I knew there was bound to be a catch.
%
On his latest expedition the archaeologist only uncovered leg bones.
It turned out to be a real "shin-dig".
%
Everyone in our family suffers from shyness.
Our ancestors came over on the Wallflower.
%
Rigmarole would be a good name for a complicated pasta dish.
%
I don't always roll a joint.
But, when I do, it's my ankle.
%
Last night I was in bed for 20 min when I heard the pizza guy cough.
Then I remembered I came into my bedroom for my wallet.
%
My brother-in-law is a carrier of intelligence.
But he is asymptomatic.
%
Think once before you act; twice before you speak;
and three times before you post on social media.
%
Wife, "Tell me the truth. Tell me I'm not like my mother."
Husband, "Which would you prefer?"
%
If you can' be kind,
at least have the decency to be vague.
%
I don't have a 'secret' chocolate candy stash.
My chocolate isn't "candy".&ensp;It's <i>medicinal.</i>
%
The worst part about being a solipsist is being the only person who gets your jokes.
%
Sometimes I think that I’m the only one who believes in solipsism.
%
Is it solipsistic in here or is that just me?
%
If I were a solipsist, I would just keep that to myself.
%
I said I was well-know in my profession.
I never said popular.
%
Don't let anyone ruin your day.
Ruin it yourself!
%
"Pre-" means before and "Post-" means after.
Using both in the same word would be preposterous.
%
I despise people who speak on behalf of other people.
As do you.
%
I've been watching a telethon for people addicted to reality TV.
%
I need 6-8 hours of sleep a day -- then 9 hours at night.
%
My mother-in-law drives a wreck-creational vehicle.
%
I’m taking a basic sewing class.
Sew far it seams easy.
%
Tonight the moon will be visible from earth.
The last time this happened was last night.
%
I'm now at the age where I can either do a daytime activity or a nighttime activity.
But I can't, under any circumstance, do both.
%
My new trousers are half wool, half cotton, and half rayon.
I need 3 halves in order for them to fit me.
%
I intend to follow my dreams -- except the ones where I'm naked.
%
My shampoo now has a new warning label:
"KEEP OUT OF THE REACH OF LABORATORY ANIMALS"
%
I have a big plumbing problem.
Dad said there'd bidets like this.
%
<b>Beatitudes</B> (N.) Poor deportment in the hive.
%
My son's Five O'clock Shadow is in another time zone.
%
My blind date picked me up in a 1939 Rolls-Royce.
No, it was <u>not</u> fantastic!&ensp;He was the original owner.
%
"Press 1 if you think it'll be better than pressing 2."
"Press 2 if you think you'll lose by pressing 3.&ensp;Press 3&thinsp;.&thinsp;.&thinsp;.&thinsp;."
%
My sister-in-law's husband is a rescue.
%
Broken pencils are pointless.
%
I'm giving up on horse race betting.
May as well -- All my horses have given up.
%
Am I the best I can be right now?&emsp;Sadly, no.
Do I strive to become the best version of myself?&emsp;Also no.
%
Husband, "We disagree on everything!"
Wife, "No! We don't!"
%
I before E, unless your neighbor Keith received eight counterfeit beige sleighs
from feisty caffeinated weightlifters.&emsp;Weird.
%
If you're not having fun, you're probably not doing it right.
%
Fair enough -- that was a half-hearted apology.
But in my defense, it was also a half-hearted infraction.
%
My doctor wants to take the "Watch and wait" approach.
But it's me that will do the watching. She's too squeamish.
%
If you don't know what you're doing, at least do it neatly.
%
Being smart has never stopped me from being a complete freaking idiot.
%
"Dad, you need a hearing aid."
"What the hell would I do with a heron egg?!"
%
Now I know I'm old; very, very old.
I'm house cleaning to music I used to get drunk to.
%
It's said that one cigarette shaves 20 minutes off your life.
Well, yeah. But an 8 hour work day will shave 8 hours off.
%
I'll often forget, soon after I've started, what I'm looking for.
But I continue looking in case I remember when I come across it.
%
My co-worker wants to work from home.
Hell!&ensp;He doesn't even work from work!
%
A friend told me there was life outside the internet.
I asked him to send me a link.
%
Don't run with bagpipes.
You could get kilt.
%
My emotional support dog ate my comfort food.
%
Pharmacist, "Take the green pill to feel hunky, the yellow pill to feel dory."
%
If you're not suppose to eat at night, why does the fridge have a light?
%
I discovered today that my Tobacconist Shop is now a Haberdashery.
The story of my life:&ensp;Clothes, but no cigar.
%
I went tandem skydiving for the first time today.&emsp;We strapped up, jumped,
and as we plummeted, he asked, "How long have you been an instructor?"
%
All the math students had finished, except the kid flipping a coin for answers.
Teacher, "Why aren't you done?"&emsp;Student, "I'm double checking my answers."
%
People often tell me, "You're gonna regret that in the morning!"
I'm a problem solver -- I'll sleep until noon.
%
Before the internet we didn't know how dumb everyone was.
We suspected, of course, but now we know.
%
I'm still trying to find a metric Stillson wrench.
%
I was living the life of Reilly.
Then I was arrested for identity theft.
%
The groom never showed up to the Eskimo wedding.
Seems he got warm feet.
%
The Soup Of The Day is usually Cream of Leftovers.
%
I no longer complain about my old basketball injuries.
They've been replaced by my new pickleball injuries.
%
I should've been more diligent with "Show Your Work" in math class.
I would've been better prepared for this IRS audit.
%
I bought sexy lingerie to spice things up with my girlfriend.
But I guess I'm not that sexy in lace panties.
%
My mom was elected Sergeant At Arms at her Senior Center.
She ran because she thought she could open carry.
%
I know I'm not as young as I used to be.
Also, I'm not as old as I'm going to be.
%
Turns out my impostor syndrome was pretty much right om.
%
It's far to late for a Fountain Of Youth.
What I need is a Fountain Of Tylenol.
%
A fool and his money are soon invited places.
%
A Collection: The collective noun for a group of charities.
%
If I can make at least one person smile, or maybe pee in their pants a little,
then my day was not a complete waste.
%
Before I took algebra, I thought it would be the worst thing ever.
And&emsp;...&emsp;I was right.
%
My brother-in-law is a puncher in a black-eyed pea cannery.
%
My parents did not raise a quitter.
But they did raise a Hall Of Fame Procrastinator.
%
You know what they say about real estate...
"Location, ..." &ensp;I forget the other two things.
%
Today is the first day&ensp;of the rest of your life.
And it's also the closest you've ever been to the end of it.
%
I came up with a carpentry pun that woodwork.
I think I nailed it. It was plane to me, but nobody saw it.
%
Swimming is so embarrassing.
Everyone can see you want to be alive.
%
A limbo champion walked into a bar.
He was disqualified.
%
I entered an abandoned carpentry shop and only sawdust.
%
I often worry about overthinking things.
%
I'm not lazy;&ensp;I'm "Accomplishment Challenged".
%
If a stranger says you look familiar, tell'em you work in porn.
%
Don't people that exercise know about couches?
%
I'm living in a dog-eat-dog world.
And I'm wearing Milk-Bone underwear.
%
I had to take the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm.
The beeping was causing a headache and making me feel dizzy.
%
Well, now my uncle will rest in peace.
My aunt passed away.
%
I've never punched a time clock.
But I did look sternly at a sundial once.
%
Why do they call it "The Golden Age Of Television",
if it was all in black-and-white?
%
Yesterday I found 5 ants in my basement and today I found another 5.
It seems I've now got tenants.
%
Me, "I can't see you anymore. I won't let you hurt me again."
Trainer, "It was a sit-up.&emsp;You did one measly sit-up."
%
I'm not a morning person. I'm not a night person either.
And afternoons are kind of iffy.
%
Money won't make you happy.
But it will make you rich.
%
%
I have a lot of experience for this job opening.
Of course, they are bad experiences.
%
The hotel towels were luxuriously big and fluffy.
I had a hard time zipping up my suitcase.
%
My electric bill just went up again.
They need to pay for the high costs of lobbying for increased rates.
%
<b>Revolt</b> (V.), To charge an electric vehicle.
%
A careless captain crashed into the harbor facilities.
They docked his pay and sent him to a pier support group for anchor management.
%
The annual corporate planning meeting had to be canceled.
Nobody reserved the conference facility.
%
If today goes to plan, there won't be <i>any</i> plans at all.
%
I was having a great day until I realized it was Thursday.
%
I lost my 1 cellphone. I have 3 kids. In 5 days I'll be laid off. Rent is due in 7.
I should be in the prime of my life, but the odds are against me.
%
A two income household is optimal.
Make sure your partner has two jobs.
%
Cup holders are just cup cups.
%
If it wasn't for my pill box, I would not know what day it is.
%
Sherlock Holmes was called in for a tax audit.
There were suspicions he made too many deductions.
%
You just broke my train of thought.&ensp;And I do want to thank you!
%
They are thinking of removing "Y" from the alphabet.
That would remove the last bit of dignity.
%
I just installed a giant flat screen TV in our living room.
The folks across the street phoned and asked us to turn on closed-caption.
%
My uncle runs an organized crime ring in Scotland.
He's the Loch Ness Mobster.
%
My grandmother worked in a condom factory.
The workers could take the ones that failed quality. She had 11 children.
%
I started a non-profit organization.
Wasn't meant to be, but that's the way it turned out.
%
My new diet focuses on healthy foods and portion control.
The healthy foods really help with portion control.
%
Me, "I have half a mind to run for public office."
Her, "With half a mind, you are over-qualified."
%
I used to wake up wondering what the day would bring.
Now I wake up wondering where the bruise came from.
%
I was a runner-up to a participation trophy.
%
One-way grocery aisles need a passing lane.
%
Recently I've started going to the fitness center.
Not because of a midlife crisis. It's a midriff crisis.
%
I'm so old I remember when colored margarine was against the law.
<font size="2">Google it</font>
%
There will always be a high tide and a low tide.
And that is a shore thing.
%
At my age I've come to accept my bath robe as my leisurewear.
%
I'm considering going into organized crime after college.
But I can't decide between government or private sector.
%
My plans for today are fairly straightforward.
First I'll do nothing. Then I'll rest.
%
I don't have any sea food allergies.
But one time a seahorse gave me hoof-and-mouth disease.
%
I currently have 99 problems.
And it seems I caused all of them.
%
I'm the reason my previous landlord added the lease clause:
"Raccoons are not considered emotional support animals"
%
My high school football days were grim.
I wasn't a quarterback - or halfback - or fullback. I was a drawback.
%
I dance like people <i>wish</i> they weren't watching.
%
I like to play hard to get used to.
%
Dear AutoCorrect: At no point will I ever text someone "He'll yeah!"
%
This year feels like being awake during surgery.
%
Query, "Do men still open car doors?"
Response, "How do you think we get inside?"
%
Friends, "Why is a gorgeous girl like you single?"
Me, "I'm mentally ill, friend."
%
There are so many words to describe how a drunk person walks.
It's staggering.
%
How do you catch a unique bird?&ensp;Unique up on it.
How do you catch a tame bird?&ensp;Tame way.
%
My girlfriend asked what would I do if she was a blow up doll.
Apparently, letting some of the air out wasn't the correct answer.
%
A person with two watches is never sure what time it is,
especially if <i>I</i> gave them one of the watches.
%
My new car has too many tech gadgets.
Every time I back up it plays a video of someone getting run over by a car.
%
I recently reread Orwell's "1984".
It had seemed more ominous the first time.
%
If it's true that you get better with age,
then I am mere minutes away from magnificence.
%
I knew there'd be days like this.&ensp;But, so many?!?
%
I've been asked, "Eating for two?"&emsp;No.&ensp;It's a tapeworm.
And my health insurance won't cover it.
%
Right now I'm so hungry I could eat my own cooking.
%
I let a lot of people down yesterday.
All of'em told me to have a "Great Day".
%
My birthstone is a chunk of Muenster cheese.
%
I thank my lucky stars I don't believe in astrology.
%
The TV program contained no sex or violence.
But several of the commercials were pretty raunchy.
%
Even at my age, personal growth is still possible.
But, then again, maybe back hair doesn't count.
%
I put the "Men" in "Menu".
She put the "Wait" in "Waitress".
%
My wife caught me on "Kiss Cam"!
Now I have a staring role on "Court Cam".
%
My pregnant wife just had another ultrasound.
Or, as she calls it: "Connecting with her inner child".
%
I'm moving to a small apartment and I need to rehome my pet rock.
%
I had my new phone's "DO NOT DISTURB" feature turned on even before I left the store.
%
My co-worker just got remarried.
Or, as I like to think: he is under new management.
%
There's a women's channel called "Oxygen".
Shouldn't there be a men's channel called "Methane"?
%
I flunked out of mime school.&emsp;Cursed by my gift of gab.
%
Remember, <i>getting</i> up and <i>waking</i> up are not the same thing.
%
I'll let you play on my mood swings.
Just don't push me!
%
Tuesdays feel like mile 2 of a marathon.
%
I have a new secret fishing spot.
So secret that the fish are unaware of it still.
%
You will become your parents.
%
What do <i>you</i> want on your on <i>your</i> pizza?
Me -- I'd like another pizza on it.
%
I did some water aerobics today.
It took me 45 minutes to get out of the bath tub.
%
I've heard that "The more money you have, the more worries you have."
My father-in-law thanked me for making his daughter's life so worry free.
%
When asked "Where do you see yourself in five years?"
Never say "Post-apocalyptic tribal warlord."&ensp;I know that now.
%
I guess I use the phone too much at the gym.
Someone just asked me if it's 'fingers day'.
%
Everyone knows Alan Turing who cracked the Enigma Code.
But do you know his sister Kay, who provided meals for him and his co-workers?
%
I've never hand-milked a cow.
But it is on my bucket list.
%
Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned.
%
I'm not gonna say that I am Wonder Woman.
But, have you ever seen both of us in a room at the same time?
%
I'm having serious heart problems.
Yeah. My boss doesn't have one.
%
"This medicine may cause drowsiness, dizziness, or increased fatigue."
LOL&thinsp;!!!&emsp;How would I even know?!?
%
I went to the emergency room with a bad case of vertigo.
I got the bill and was shocked at my balance.
%
I dramatize. You embellish. He lies.
%
I'm thrifty. You're frugal. He's cheap.
%
Marriage taught me 2 things:&ensp;1. Love is blind.&ensp;2. Lawyers aren't.
%
I want hot flashes intense enough to melt fat, burn calories, and ignite passion.
%
Nobody won last night's Powerball jackpot.
So all the math failures have another chance to lose.
%
Entering junior high, my son was given an aptitude test.
Seems he has an aptitude for sixth grade.
%
Please respect my privacy at this difficult time.
I'm in morning.
%
The only furrier in town is missing.
We haven't seen hide nor hair of him in quite a while.
%
I may not be the sharpest light in the bulb.
But I certainly know my metaphors.
%
Bigamy is characterized as having one too many wives.
Just like monogamy.
%
His conviction for shoplifting a bag took just 3 minutes.
It was a brief&thinsp;case.
%
My cell phone has a cool app that shows me what I look like as an old man.
It's&ensp;called&ensp;a&ensp;camera.
%
If one really did profit from their mistakes,
I'd be a multi-millionaire.
%
Being your own best friend is all well and good.
But it's a poor testament to your personality.
%
A group of cosplayers dressed as crows was found dead.
Authorities believe it was a murder.
%
If I got a dollar for every time I didn't know what was going on,
I would be like, "Why am I always getting all this money?"
%
I hear the Texas phone ban in school is working.
But now all the kids are gambling with real dice.
%
My girlfriend says we can't have Chinese two days in a row,
Makes no sense. They have it in China <i>every</i> day.
%
A job interview is pretty much a conversation between two liars.
%
Barbie did not give me a poor body image.
Barbie taught me you can't reattach a head once it's removed from the body.
%
I wonder if Canadians with Tourette syndrome shout apologies and compliments?
%
If she really cared for, or loved me,
she never would've said I was manipulative.
%
The Humanities and Communication course has difficult tests.
Last semester's final exam was all rhetorical questions.
%
I thought it would be a Good Idea to get my affairs in order.
First there was Sonja, then Suzy, Pamela, Dee, Donna, . . .
%
We used to finish each other's sentences.
Now we start them.
%
I'm so old I remember pooping without a smart phone.
%
My magician friend just flew in from Helsinki.
He just appeared out of Finnair.
%
BBQ Tip: Place hot dogs <i>perpendicular</i> to the grill bars.
Follow me for more cooking advice.
%
"What would be you weakness?"&ensp;<i>"I am stubborn."</i>
"Could you please elaborate?"&ensp;<i>"Dooh! No.</i>"
%
The outlook does not look encouraging.
"Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?"&ensp;<i>"Meh..."</i>
%
The bank robbers almost got away with it.
But one idiot asked for parking validation.
%
I received a complement today.
"You look good. Open casket good."
%
Everyone hates me because I'm paranoid.
%
The cycle of life: Ashes to ashes -- dust to dust -- diapers to diapers.
%
I'm an optimist. I always expect the worst.
%
Old age, chicanery and skulduggery will overcome youth and inexperience every time.
%
The road to riches is paved with homework.
%
My blind date last night was an artist.
Yeah ---  an <i>escape artist</i>.
%
My dental insurance is C.O.T.O.S.
"Chew On The Other Side"
%
Coming up: Soon Walmart customers will be required to unload the trucks.
This is in addition to your self-checkout duties.
%
Look back to January, 2025.
You'll notice the year started out with WTF.
%
There's a reason <i>some</i> men die before their wives.
They want to.
%
Doing nothing gets pretty tiresome, because you can't stop and rest.
%
The toilet paper is out in the men's room,
and the boss asked us to return our paychecks.
%
I ate at that new place, The Dolomite Cafe.
I had the marble cake.
%
My mom and dad were dwarfs.
They always struggled to put food on the table.
%
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation.
I slathered all over my co-worker, Karen.
%
The police department has a Crime Division.
I wonder what all the other divisions are doing.
%
I always double-check that our garage door is closed at night.
Don't want someone stealing stuff we've spent years trying to get rid of.
%
Getting stuck behind lottery people at a gas station is a form of torture.
%
Fitness?&ensp;I exercise. . .&ensp;I exercise discretion.
%
Money talks.&ensp;And mine only says, "Good Bye."
%
I try to avoid all public speaking,
I only open my mouth ... to switch my feet.
%
Me, at work, "Well, my work here is dumb."
Co-worker; "You mean 'done'?"&ensp;Me, "No, I do not!"
%
I'm so old that I can ignore grocery expiration dates.
%
I had a petroleum joke for you, but it was crude.
I'll try to come up with something more refined.
%
We have a new restaurant called "No Foods".
It only serves ambiance.
%
So, we all now have micro-plastics throughout our bodies.
What the answer?&ensp;Micro-surgery?
%
"A new, hip joint" meant something entirely different in my 20s than it does now.
%
There's are perks to being my friend.
#1: Others will see you as the 'normal' one.
%
I complained that my wife's underwear was too tight.
She said, "I keep telling you --- wear your own!"
%
I pirated a movie.&ensp;I gave it 3.14159 stars.
%
Nobody knows why Notre Dame caught fire. But Quasimodo has a hunch.
%
It's easy to understand Flat-Earth logic. They're just plane idiots.
%
Me, “That's okay, doctor. I'll Google it myself.”
Doc, “Would you look at that! Everyone is a Doctor nowadays.”
%
Earthquake detectors are always finding faults.
%
They say the brain operates on electrical impulses.
Maybe my batteries are installed wrong.
%
Mostly, being an adult is just looking at various pill bottles,
and wondering, "Did I already take that?"
%
Well, it's no wonder my mother knows how to push all my buttons.
After all, she installed them.
%
I just bought a 26-piece patio set.
Two plastic chairs and a case of beer.
%
My wife accuses me of being very critical.
She is making a harsh, invalid assessment!
%
Things were better when the computer lived in its own room.
And you only went in there sometimes.
%
The hitch-hiker asked, "Are you afraid that I might be a serial killer?"
Me, "No. The odds of two serial killers in the same car are unlikely."
%
I checked out a library book about belly pain.
Someone had torn the appendix out.
%
Inside all of us, we have one thing in common.
Micro plastics.
%
The row my ducks are in:
<b>ROW</b> (N.), A noisy quarrel, dispute, or disturbance; squabble, brawl, or commotion.
%
TOFU: Looks like wallpaper paste,&emsp;but tastes much worse.
%
How do I get a hurricane named after me?
I've been a disaster all my life. I meet the requirements.
%
I'm blindingly intelligent for about 30 seconds each day.
I do not get to choose which seconds, and they aren't consecutive.
%
I'm wearing pink today to raise awareness
to people who mix reds and whites when doing laundry.
%
Now in my twilight years, I've walked the walk and talked the talk.
I've earned the right to sit the sit.
%
The agency called me about a modeling job.
Hmmmm... I wonder what's a 'Before' model?
%
I got in touch with my feminine side once.
She slapped me with a restraining order.
%
"If you love your job, you'll never work a day in your life."
All my co-workers think I really, REALLY love my job.
%
I would've done anything to make my fiancée happy.
At one point I even considered getting a job.
%
There's a new doughnut place in town.
They're calling it "Hole Foods".
%
I was lost in thought.&emsp;Unfamiliar territory...
%
You learn something new every day.
Muffins are simply ugly cupcakes.
%
A conspiracy theorist walks into a bar.
Or did he? That’s what they want you to think.
%
I watched a documentary on beavers last night.
Best&ensp;dam&ensp;documentary&ensp;ever.
%
The whole flat-earth thing has gone global.
%
A flat-earther tried to walk to the edge of the earth.
Eventually he came around.
%
Two wrongs don't make a right,
and two half-wits don't make a wit.
%
My wife said I need to get my priorities straight.
That is, make <i>her</i> priorities <i>my</i> priorities.
%
My brother-in-law just had his annual employee review.
He was cited for performing with "calculated mediocrity".
%
Seems my talent is picking the grocery checkout line filled with people
who have never gone through a grocery checkout line before in their life.
%
I'm really good at multitasking.
I can put off doing numerous things at the same time.
%
How do I want to be remembered?
Probably taller.
%
Nobody can make a fool of you.
It's a do-it-yourself process.
%
You know you're old when you spot the first gray hair on your child.
%
I accidentally sent a nude picture to everyone in my address book.
Not only was it embarrassing, but it also cost me a fortune in postage stamps.
%
I had a Great Uncle who used to run a house of ill repute.
He was the Speaker of the U.S. House Of Representatives.
%
A flock of geese flying in a ‘V’ pattern always has one side that's longer.
That’s because there are more birds on that side.
%
I can't stop telling airport jokes.
My doctor says it's terminal.
%
I saw my first porn movie yesterday. Wow, I looked so young.
%
May your coffee be strong and your Mondays short.
%
A journey of a 1,000 steps begins with a single step.
And then, a few more. Mostly it depends on where you park your car.
%
Be cautious with your birthdays.
Too many will kill you.
%
I met my doppelganger recently, and I was beside myself.
%
An accountant is someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had,
in a way you don't understand.
%
Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
%
Together I can overcome schizophrenia.
%
My friend called me indecisive, but I don't know if I agree.
%
I had to think twice about making spice apple cider.
I mulled it over.
%
A rancher with only 95 cattle managed to get 100 into the corral.
All he had to do was round them up.
%
My nephew should apply for the Search and Recuse Team.
They're always looking for someone.
%
I'm not really a control freak.
But, I can show you the correct way to do that.
%
I recently joined Hypochondriacs Anonymous.
The hardest part is admitting you don't have a problem.
%
My brother-in-law  is a strict pacifist.
In fact, he has a black belt in Tae Kwon Don't.
%
Do you have that inner voice that criticizes you?
Not me. It's been outsourced to my teenage daughter.
%
There was a new warning label on the last beer I drank:
"CONTENTS MAY CAUSE YOU TO THINK YOU'RE GOOD AT KARAOKE"
%
I like to think I do nice things for others.
I just sent a sympathy card to a Nigerian banker's widow.
%
When I was in school, I usually had my hand up.
I didn't know the answers; I had a weak bladder.
%
A lady enters the catholic church and asks the usher, "Is mass out?"
Usher, "No, but your hat is on crocked."
%
I've been told I look pretty good for someone from the 1900s.
%
Out of all the girlfriends I ever had, she was definitely one of them.
%
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
%
I called the cops on my own party once because I was ready to go to bed.
%
She said. "I want you to undress me, just with your words."
Me, "There's a spider in your bra."
%
A blind skydiver knows the ground is getting close when the dog's leash gets loose.
%
It's so hot cows are producing evaporated milk.
%
I need some kind of cation.
A vacation, or staycation,&ensp;or, maybe&ensp;medication.
%
A clever husband will always thinks twice before saying nothing.
%
The cafe had run out of alphabet soup.
I guess somebody else got in the last word.
%
My dating profile says I have a flat stomach.
The "L" is silent.
%
The surgeon botched my brain surgery.
I half half a mind to sue.
%
My sister-in-law was bitten by a big spider.
They're not sure if they can save the spider.
%
A single ant can live to be 29 years old.
Dunno about a married one...
%
My eyesight is ok, but my strongest sense is non.
%
Imitation stamp collecting is the sincerest form of philately.
%
Interviewer, "What is your biggest weakness?"
Me, "I don't like working."
%
I once knew a couple joined in "Holy Acrimony'.
%
Cooking Tip: If you have to stir it, it's homemade.
Follow me for further culinary advice.
%
I've stopped lying about my age.
Now I lie about my kids' ages.
%
My husband emptied the dishwasher yesterday.
Now it'll take me a month to find out where he put everything.
%
When I turned 18, he told me he wasn't my biological father.
A faux pa, indeed!
%
Listen, I'm an adult and nobody tells me what to do.
And it shows.
%
A co-worker that never took a sick day or vacation just got laid off.
He was always afraid they would find they could get along without him.
%
My son said his new girlfriend means the world to him.
Ironic. He'll be attending summer school because he flunked geography.
%
Dirt, flies, ants, hail, pollen, poison ivy.
Boy! Dining outdoors is no picnic.
%
I bumped into a stranger ... and I think I need new clothes.
He said, "Sorry, Bud. I don't have any spare change."
%
I went to the doctor and all that was tested was my patience.
%
My brother-in-law is addicted to sea weed.
We all want him to sea kelp.
%
"No, I'm in the control group."
My reply when I'm not into the latest fad.
%
There needs to be more options than
suffering via employment, or suffering via unemployment.
%
I wonder if <i>any</i> of my recorded calls were used for training or quality purposes?
%
After my funeral I want a buddy to take my phone and
text everybody: "Thanks for coming."
%
We finally achieved compromise in our marriage.
We got separate tubes of toothpaste.
%
You think <i>you</i> are an introvert?!?
Wait until you never meet me.
%
Cop, "Do you know why I pulled you over?"
Me, "Well, if you forgot, I'm not gonna remind you."
%
A little knowledge is ....&ensp;well, a little knowledge.
%
The new electric vehicles intensify the sticker shock.
%
I handle all my bills in a timely fashion.
I've got bounced checks to prove it.
%
Pharmaceutical marketing is too weird!
I sent in a proof of purchase and I received a "Get Well" card.
%
At my age 'getting lucky' means walking into a room
and remembering what I came in for.
%
A wizard asked me to proofread one of his scrolls. 
Actually it was more of a Spell Check.
%
Stop moaning about the weather -- at least it's not snowing.
Imagine shoveling snow in this heat.
%
A snail is just a walnut that has places to go.
%
Behind every robot that turns evil is an engineer that
specifically installed red LEDs for eyes just for this occasion.
%
Being and adult is a little out of my price range.
%
Astronauts use linux because you can't open Windows in space.
%
A fella walked straight into a bar &emsp; and then came out.
%
I wish I'd paid better attention on my first rodeo.
%
There's nothing like siting by an open fire...&ensp;watching the evidence burn.
%
I'm not so good at push ups or sit ups.
But my <i>screw</i> ups?&emsp;Let me tell you...
%
There are two kinds of people in the world:
"It's already 10pm" &amp; "It's only 10pm" -- and they marry each other.
%
Therapist, "How would you say you learn best?"
Me, "The freaking hard way!"
%
The Institute of Unfinished Research has concluded that 7 out of 10 people
%
You have to be bold to ask someone for a first date.
But, if you're asking a geologist, you have to be a little boulder.
%
It's old, and it's not a smart TV.
But it has a pleasant personality.
%
We're so old that there is no pictures of our wedding.
But there are cave paintings, though.
%
They said, "Go big, or go home."
They lost me at "go home".
%
I'm sorry. I never apologize.
Wait, that's not true. I'm not sorry.
%
There's to be layoffs at the local winery.
We heard it through the grapevine.
%
Corn on the cob is just BBQ ribs for vegetarians.
%
If Will Rogers was born today, he would be a baby.
%
Bought myself a pet rock. It was on shale.
%
I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties.
Now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
%
The first 40 years of childhood are the hardest.
%
When asked for a phone book, my daughter laughed and handed me her iPhone.
So, now the spider is dead, her iPhone is dead, and  my daughter is furious.
%
Tact is for those that lack the wit for sarcasm.
%
I lost my editor job for missing a lot of typos.
It was quite a sandal.
%
When you look really closely, all mirrors look like eyeballs.
%
I believe I'll be fine.
I come from a strong line of lunatics.
%
Further is for metaphorical distance. Farther is for physical distance.
Father is for emotional distance.
%
When your work efforts fail, that's called the "vegetables of your labor".
%
I don't always take the high road.
Sometimes I take the psychopath.
%
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
%
A dog gave birth in the city park and was cited for littering.
%
A backward poet write inverse.
%
An eye doctor was spotted on a deserted Alaskan island.
But it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
%
"A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step."
Nobody ever mentions the second step...
%
Lying about my age is now much easier since I have trouble remembering what it is.
%
Resistance training is a big part of my exercise program.
I resist training most every day.
%
Maybe I dodged a bullet.
I required a co-signer for my marriage license.
%
When it looks like a duck, walks like a duck, and sounds like a duck,
you can be sure they'll find a way to change the subject.
%
Sometimes you just have to say "eww!"&emsp;and move on.
%
Co-worker, "Are you doing anything after work?"
Me, "No. I did things at work and now I'm done."
%
Bought a new shrub trimmer.&ensp;It’s cutting hedge technology.
%
My wife suddenly wanted to swap places on our bed…
I’ve never seen this side of her before!
%
This was to be a joke about dementia.
I can't remember the punchline, though.
%
There are no problems. They're all opportunities.
And I have a very serious drinking opportunity.
%
There's something I'd like to be said at my funeral.
"Look! He's moving!"
%
Kale is better when the "L" is silent.
%
After a long, cautious delay I finally "Went With The Flow",
... just when it all started going down the drain.
%
My doctor wants me to reduce my alcohol consumption to see if I get better.
I'd rather <i>increase</i> my alcohol consumption and see if I get any worse.
%
Mom said I could be anything I want to be.
So, I became annoying.
%
I don't do things because they need doing.
I do things because I'm procrastinating on other things.
%
My high school was so cheap.
They used the same car for Drivers Ed and Sex Ed!
%
As a child I was gifted.
Once on my birthday and once at Christmas.
%
My husband is a serious couch potato.
Dunno if he expects a trophy.&ensp;I think maybe atrophy.
%
It's not the fast pace of life that bothers me.
It's the rapid stop at the end.
%
I've been accused of being too skeptical.
I cannot believe anyone would think so.
%
What happens in Vegas appears on next month's credit card statement.
%
My aunt has been married five times.
She likes honeymoons more than she likes husbands.
%
90% of marriage is just shouting "What?" from different rooms.
%
Vacation always began when Dad said, “I know a short cut.”
%
Who is “General Failure” and why is he reading my hard disk?
%
Life is too complicated in the morning.
%
The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.
%
If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
%
Out of my mind. Back in ten minutes.
%
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
%
Campers: Nature’s way of feeding mosquitoes.
%
No one is watching until you make a mistake.
%
If we aren’t supposed to eat animals, why are they made with meat?
%
It’s lonely at the top; but you do eat better.
%
Never answer an anonymous letter.
%
I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
%
Time is what keeps things from happening all at once.
%
I don't always have time to fold laundry.
But when I do, I don't.
%
During an eye exam a Polish fella read out, "S-Z-W-Y-I-E-C".
"Wow! I went to high school with that guy!"
%
I was considered a Jock in high school sports.
OOPS! AutoCorrect -- "Joke*
%
I drank so much coffee, I'm moving things with my mind.
%
I was told I have a great speaking voice.
I was also told it isn't connected to anything.
%
I've thought about living in the past.
But I would only get 3 TV channels.
%
I have a hybrid vehicle.
I'm never certain if I'm low on gas or electricity.
%
I swatted 5 flies in the kitchen this morning -- 3 males, 2 females.
Three were on a beer can, two were on the phone.
%
Philosophers only want one thing, and it's discussing.
%
Some days I have to be in my 3rd or 4th shower before the phone rings.
%
Remember to share good fortune, as well as bad, with your friends.
%
Thanks to the new tariffs, today's Happy Hour price are yesterday's regular price.
%
Working in retail taught me that the customer is always right.
Until they out of earshot.
%
You cannot spell "FAIL" without "AI".
%
Not to brag, but my jokes are enjoyed by well over nine people worldwide.
%
I accidentally recorded a 4 minute video of my feet.
At least I got some great footage.
%
I put the "no" in "I'll let you know".
%
Saw a $1 radio at a yard sale with a note: "volume stuck on full"
I thought, "I can't turn that down."
%
Choose your times:
&ensp;1) Uncertain&ensp;2) Unprecedented&ensp;3) Challenging&ensp;4) New Roman
%
Things to do in New Jersey:
&ensp;1) Leave
%
Maybe laughter is the best medicine.
But the cost of my prescriptions is no joke.
%
The prisoner was sent a cake with a <i>digital</i> file in it.
%
I'll never forget when our daughter was born.
It was 3rd down ... goal to go ... and 40 seconds on the clock.
%
The boss wasn't blaming me.
He was just shifting the responsibility.
%
Both of us can't look good at the same time.
It's either me or the house!
%
Brother-in-law, "You should've heard me before I got accordion lessens.
Me, "I should've hear you before you got the accordion."
%
I usually make the same mistakes over and over again.
But today, all my mistakes will be brand new ones.
%
Apparently "Spite" is not an appropriate answer to "What motivates you?"
%
I'm willing to accept his apology that he's yet to make.
%
I ate my hat ... swallowed my pride ... and choked on my words.
Worst.&ensp;Diet.&ensp;Ever.
%
Noah probably didn't do any fishing on the Ark.
Not with just 2 worms.
%
My mother-in-law is complaining because her air conditioner is blowing hot air.
She's mad because she hates competition.
%
First Rule of Family Gatherings:
Always bring your own vehicle so you can leave when you want.
%
<b>Foot</b> (N.), A politician's pacifier
%
Due to a wonky AutoCorrect issue, my time machine will only take me to the furniture.
%
I've tasted being employed. I've also tasted being unemployed.
I highly recommend being born into generational wealth.
%
My young daughter was singing "Row, Row, Row Your Boat".
and she ended it with, "Life is down the drain."
%
Email tip: If you increase your font by 1 point every time you reply,
eventually they stop emailing you.
%
The older I get, the more I understand why my mom always said,
"I'm going to go lay down now."
%
"Urgent Care" is a strange name for it.
Because they show no urgency, nor do they care.
%
The observable universe is 93 billion light years across.
That's more than two football fields!
%
At the chess convention there were a few folks bragging in the hotel lobby.
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.
%
Why does it seem like there are twice as many Mondays as Fridays?
%
I don't pretend to be something I'm not.
Well, normal...&ensp;Sometimes I pretend I'm normal.
%
MY PARENTS WENT ON A ROMANTIC HONEYMOON
&emsp;&emsp;AND ALL I GOT WERE THESE GENES
%
If inactivity is bad for you, how do some trees live for hundreds of years?
%
I just received a post-dated, pre-declined credit card application.
%
My proctologist tells me,
"Keep your friends close, but your enemas closer."
%
My high school was so deplorable.
Our mascot was an invasive species.
%
They asked if my stated salary expectations were negotiable.
"Yes. I'm willing to accept more."
%
I lost my phone recently.
So, if you get a text that makes no sense, I've recovered it.
%
I get paid to treat people nicely at work.
I dunno why my friends and family expect that for free.
%
I remember making ashtrays for my parents in 5th grade art class.
%
I am really not funny.
I'm just rude and people think I'm joking.
%
My dog will bark 837 times a day.
Yeah, that's just a ruff estimate.
%
Sometimes I question my sanity...
Sometimes it will reply...
%
Capitalism is the exploitation of man by man.
Communism is just the opposite.
%
Childhood is like being drunk.
Everyone remembers what you did -- except you.
%
I should whistle while I work.
But I only know happy songs,
%
I'm ambidextrous.
I can play tick-tack-toe by myself.
%
I donated my organs.
That was the last of my keyboard instruments.
%
I watched a late-night movie while in bed.
I was on the edge of my sheet.
%
I watched a documentary on how they attach those little metal things on jeans.
It&nbsp;was riveting.
%
When we meet and you ask me, "How are you doing?"
I'll just reply, "Fine." and change the subject.
%
What I remember about the good old days is that I was neither.
%
Reality TV is long on TV and short on reality.
%
Bumper Stickers:
&ensp;<span style="background-color: white;"> I <font size="4">&hearts;</font> MY CAT </span>&emsp;<span style="background-color: white;"> I <font size="5">&spades;</font> MY DOG&nbsp;</span>
%
Why do you need a pilot's license?
What are they gonna do, pull you over?
%
Really? You can't believe it's not butter?
Friend, almost <i>everything</i> is not butter.
%
I spent all day scrolling though my media feed.
Dunno if my life is a false flag or just a regular conspiracy.
%
Learning to be a chiropractor always takes some adjustment.
Being chiropractor isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.
%
My bank account must be overdrawn by a lot.
They called me collect.
%
"Those who fail to learn from history are doomed to repeat it."
So true! I was still taking 7th grade history when I graduated.
%
I never realized how bad my golf game was.
That is, until someone else kept score.
%
My greatest quality is that I'm humble.
Humbler than anyone I know.&ensp;<b>The</b> humblest of them all!
%
Our senior class took a trip to Washington, D.C.
I thought that was a capitol idea!
%
My blind date last night said she was a trash collector.
That's one weird hobby...
%
I wonder how her driving instructor lives with the guilt.
%
Everything happens for a reason ... that you can make up later.
%
The crime was pinned on a seamstress.
Police say she fabricated her alibi.
%
Recently my dad died from electrocution.
It was a current event.&emsp;&emsp;I know, that's shocking.
%
I just read an article about this country's obesity problem.
Fortunately I was not mentioned by name.
%
I photoshopped my image for the dating website.
It gives me plausible desirability.
%
I let my young nephew ask me questions.
How else will he learn not to ask questions?
%
I need to buy more ketchup-colored t-shirts.
%
A sign of getting old.&emsp;sigh...
My belts have 1 or 2 more holes than the factory installed.
%
<b>Quesadilla</b> (N.), Mexican origami
%
Stopped off after work for "Happy Hour".
Then things went from happy to hilarious.
%
On the keyboard of life, keep one finer on the escape key.
%
I'm full-fledged into a mid-life crisis.
I'm 80, so only time will tell.
%
Them, "If someone gave you $200 because you're stupid, would you take it?"
Me, "Absolutely! I'm ugly --- not stupid."
%
There a two kinds of people in the world.&emsp;Avoid them both.
%
What the %@$&*! is a "grawlix"?
%
So, my girlfriend says, "I think we should take this relationship to the previous level."
%
Please don't ask me to repeat myself.
Because I was also not paying attention.
%
Why must I prove my identity when paying bills over the phone?
Do strangers call and offer to pay my bill?&ensp;If so, please let them!
%
Surely you must have faith.
Who do you thinks pulls up the next tissue in the box?
%
I'm not old enough to be this old.
%
I just bought my first pair of Clogs.
I got them to go with my arteries.
%
At my age I have priorities when it comes to finding a date.
First off, I check for a pulse.
%
I used to live in the real world.&ensp;Then I got evicted;
%
I dropped in on my psychic unannounced.
She was surprised to see me.&emsp;I need a new psychic.
%
Bottle: The collective noun for a group of sommeliers.
%
Foot-long hot dogs don't impress me.
I wanna see foot-wide hot dogs.
%
Someday I'll start collecting highlighters.&emsp;Mark my words!
%
Why doesn't the tooth fairy just dig up dead people to get teeth?
%
Summer Tips:
1. Drink plenty of water.
2. Stay indoors between 11:00 am and November 1.
%
As you walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
remind yourself that you cannot always trust Google maps.
%
There is a professional way to say "I told you so."
"This was identified early on as a likely outcome."
%
I keep forgetting where I laid down my glasses.
But, you're not old until you forget you <i>even wear</i> glasses.
%
The French eat snails ... because they don't like fast food.
%
They hope to have a cure one day.
I already have a postdated prescription.
%
Why is it so difficult to ask questions when you're painfully shy?
Just asking for a friend.
%
She says she could live off my income.
But what would I live off then?
%
Laughter is the best medicine; or so I'm told.
But I broke my funny bone, and it's not covered by my insurance.
%
I have restless leg syndrome real bad.
I had to install a seat belt on my Lazy Boy.
%
The boss says I can't have a raise.
But I <i>can</i> use the office copier to make resumes until the end of the month.
%
I like to inject "Defenestrate" in casual conversation
whenever a window of opportunity presents itself.
%
My ex borrowed $100 from me. She left 3 years later and gave me $100.
I lost interest in that relationship. &emsp;Now I'm just left a loan.
%
My printer refuses to print.
Given my writing skills, it may be acting in self-defense.
%
If they're going to call it a hospital gown, maybe it should have sequins.
%
Optometrists enjoy puns.
The cornea the better.
%
In my will I leave everything to whoever I'm reincarnated as.
%
There's a creative writing class at the prison called "Prose and Cons".
%
The school's supply list has gotten out of hand.
It includes a request for four bus tires.
%
I <i>have</i> to learn from the mistakes of others.
I'd never live long enough to make them all myself.
%
Home repair is like casino gambling.
The house always wins.
%
I have the complete VHS collection of "Hoarders".
%
<b>Puritanism</b> (N.), The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy
%
I was warned not to use kitchen utensils in painting the house.
But, it's a whisk I'm willing to take.
%
Sometimes I observe my co-workers doing their jobs.
And I'm like, wow!&ensp;You might benefit from a little impostor syndrome.
%
She complains that I seem remote.
Well, she's always pushing my buttons.
%
I couldn't get a word in edgewise.
Not that I wanted too -- that's beside the point.
%
There's too many weight-loss options.
Gastric bypass, donut shop bypass, pizza parlor bypass, buffet bypass...
%
I'm not losing hair.
I'm gaining forehead.
%
So much division these days! There are red states and there are blue states.
I remember when they were just states --  all 13 of them.
%
There's a distinct difference between me and Superman.
He has super vision.&ensp;I require supervision.
%
We may look different; we may think different.
But we all have one thing in common: microplastics.
%
I can either work well with others, or I can pass a drug test.
I can't do both.
%
The First Rule of the "Condescending Club" is quite complex.
You'd never understand it even if I explained in very simplistic terms.
%
You will take it the wrong way when someone says,
"Don't take this the wrong way."
%
The waiter said the wine was a good year.
He was right. It tasted like a tire.
%
If you pull it up and it grows back -- it's a weed.
If you water it and it dies -- it's a plant.
%
Fat things come to those that weight.
%
I offer free tips on being lazy.
It's the least I can do.
%
Every loaf of bread is a tragic story of grain that could've become beer, but didn't.
%
Me (in my teens), "This radio station is playing my tunes!"
Me (in my 20s), "This bar is playing my tunes!"
Me (in my 30s), "This grocery store is playing my tunes!"
%
100 years ago everyone had a horse and only the rich had cars.
Today everyone has a car, and only the rich own horses.
The stables have turned.
%
I didn't buy snacks so that there wouldn't be any snacks in the house.
And now,&emsp;&emsp; I don't have any snacks in the house.
%
Police have confirmed that the man that fell from the roof of an 18th floor nightclub
was <u>not</u> a bouncer.
%
I was asked what games I played on my iPad as a kid.
I used to speak into a fan to sound like a robot.
%
"Triple whiskey straight"
"Sir, this is Starbucks!"
"Sorry! Venti Whiskey!!"
%
My hiking buddy moved across the country recently.
He would point out tasty, wild mushrooms. I lost my morel compass.
%
We keep catnip in a Zip-Lock baggy, and the cat swallowed the whole thing.
Anytime now, the bag will be out of the cat.
%
I was let go from the Pop Tart factory
It was to be expected. They have a high turnover.
%
Curiosity: You don't know the answer, but want to find out.
Ignorance: You don't know the answer, and can't be bothered to find out.
%
I'm supposed to write some promotional material about cinder blocks.
It's surprisingly hard.
%
Nurse, "There's a man here who says he's invisible."
Doctor, "Tell him I can't see him right now."
%
I saw a six foot bunny at the mall today!
It's either Easter, or my doctor screwed up my medications again.
%
Dog, "What do you mean, I'm too controlling?"
Sheep, "You herd me!"
%
I accidentally used Holy Water to take my laxative.
I'm about to start a religious movement.
%
Rules to learning English
1.&ensp;Their our know rules
%
Revenge is beneath me.
But accidents can happen.
%
The first floor of my house is now squeaky clean.
Upstairs is another story.
%
50s may be the new 40s, but 9 p.m. is the new midnight.
%
I'm in the ER because this camouflage face paint won’t come off.
It’s been 2 hours and I’m still waiting for a doctor to see me.
%
The band bought a custom T-shirt for the long-time triangle player.
THANK YOU FOR EVERY TING
%
Of course these are my teeth!
Do I have to show you the receipt?
%
MUSIC 101&emsp;Oh, I remember that college class!
Listening to old people's music that only the professor enjoyed.
%
I made a TikTok jump scare video and frightened my husband half to death.
Can't wait to do it again tomorrow!
%
Fiascos are like cholesterol.
There's the good kind and the bad kind.
%
I have an air freshener you operate by mind control.
It makes scents if you think about it.
%
My wife texted, "Your great!"&ensp;I replied, "No. You're great."
She's been in a really good mood since I corrected her grammar.
%
On the long walk back to the car from Costco, my wife asked, "Are you ok?"
I replied, "Yeah.&ensp; I'm just going through a lot right now."
%
Probably I'm no longer playing with a full deck.
I know I shuffle a little slower than I used to.
%
The crosswalk signals don't flash "WAIT" or "WALK" for me.
They flash "GIVE UP".
%
I thought I would be on Easy Street by now.
But it seems my inner GPS has other ideas.
%
When I'm in the middle of <i>not</i> doing something, it'll all go to voice mail.
%
"I'm not drunk, officer.&ensp;I'm just speaking in cursive."
%
I just joined a health club.
I know ... you're expecting a punchline -- aren't you?.
%
Therapist, "You're beautiful! No matter what they say."
Me, "WHAT?!? Wait, what do they say?"
%
"Press 1 to speak to a representative."
"Press 2 if you'd like to talk with the other customers on hold."
%
TV was so much better in the past.
The screens were smaller and the stars much bigger.
%
Looking into the mirror, I see the Hands of Time have turned into fists.
%
I told someone, "I feel so out of it these days".
I was informed that nobody says "out of it" anymore.
%
Missing socks are reincarnated as Tupperware lids.
%
I never understood the difference between American bacon and Canadian bacon.
Probably it's just the accent.
%
In life, if you aim at nothing, you'll hit it every time.
%
Friends are therapists you can drink with.
%
There have been times when I was so broke I couldn't even pay attention.
%
I could put my keys in the same spot every day.
But, why deprive myself of a treasure hunt that makes me late?
%
How did the 2 mice on Noah's ark cope with the 2 cats?
%
My cat probably thinks I'm an idiot for only sleeping once a day.
%
It's a Good Thing I'm nobody's emergency contact.
I just waited 10 minutes for an elevator I never pushed the button for.
%
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety, but with even more baggage.
%
I'm at the age where "A Fun Night" means not having to set the alarm for the next day.
%
Thanksgiving is not a good day to be a pair of pants.
%
Candles are just how we keep fire as pets.
%
I love ruining the plot of Dorian Gray.&emsp;It never gets old.
%
I was telling my girlfriend about my cold and sinus congestion.
She told me it was all in my head.
%
I tend to fold under pressure.
So, the Origami Class was a godsend.
%
What doesn't kill me makes me a bitter disappointment to my health insurance company.
%
A shark would swim faster than me. But I would run faster than a shark.
Thus, a triathlon would be decided by who is the better cyclist.
%
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while doing my job.
%
<b>Commentator</b> (N.), An ordinary potato
%
I just learned that Earl is real mixed up.
(read it again)
%
i only type in lowercase because i hate capitalism.
-- Karl Marx
%
I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be,
Because I make terrible decisions.
%
Blanket statements are by far .. the coziest of all statements.
%
I do not know what is wrong with me.
But I can name several medications that haven't helped.
%
They say not all who wander are lost.
But I sure am!
%
I had breakfast at the new Sandpaper Cafe.
I can recommend their grits.
%
One time I had a mermaid in my math class.
She wore the cutest little algae bra.
%
Correct me if I'm wrong --- My wife always does.
%
The secret to finding lost things is buying replacements.
%
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough.
%
Thousands of eggs are being recalled.
What if the hens won't take them back?
%
Nightmares used to really scare me.
Then I realized it was just my brain doomscrolling.
%
My root canal will cost almost as much as the Panama Canal!
%
The only failure in life is not trying,
and all the trying I do leads to failure.
%
I usually wear a fake Bluetooth in public.
When I talk to myself, folks think I'm on a call.
%
It was a minor fender-bender.
It wasn't their fault; it wasn't my fault; it was the asphalt.
%
If all the world is a stage, I want final script approval!
%
I guess I'm officially a geezer now.
The barista at the coffee shop called me "Old Timer"!
%
Technology has gone WAY too far.
I'm locked out of my light bulbs because I forgot the password.
%
I am quite often asked, "What were you thinking?!?!"
Well, the fun of it is that I wasn't.
%
The truth is out there .... but I can't find the URL.
%
My 1st Zumba class. I bent, twisted, gyrated, and jumped up and down for an hour.
But, by the time I got my leotard on, the class was over.
%
On the days you only have 40% and you give 40%, you gave 100%.
%
I used to think "this little pig went to market" meant it was going shopping.
%
I've never used a semicolon with 100% confidence.
%
I don't have a favorite child.
But there's one I try extra hard not to wake up.
%
<b>Sawdust</b> (N.), Man glitter
%
Car keys travel further than the car they belong to.
%
Men will literally buy a 4th, 5th, or 6th pair of Vise-Grips,
instead of going to therapy.
%
If at first you don't succeed -- blame it on marketing..
%
If 40 is the new 30, and 50 is the new 40,
why can't Thursday be the new Friday?
%
"What is your superpower?"&emsp;"Hindsight"
"We have no use for that."&emsp;"Yes, I can see that now."
%
My eye doctor said he had both good news and bad news.
The good news, "You'll be getting a new dog soon."
%
My age is a surprise to me every single time I remember it.
Sometimes I can't believe I'm a grownup.
%
We received a defective cutlery set as a gift.
Nearly half of the spoons were reversed.
%
I wish I was as sleepy at bedtime as I am at 2 PM on any given day.
%
Curious enough to take it apart; skilled enough to put it back together.
Smart enough to hide the extra parts when I'm done...
%
I crashed my bike in 1973 and scraped my knee.
We had no internet then, so I'm telling you now.
%
I've got mortgage payments, insurance premiums, a wife, and a mistress.
And they are all a month overdue!
%
Waiting to do the second coat is so boring.
It's like watching paint dry.
%
<b>Spuddle</b> (V.) (17th C.) To work ineffectively, to be
extremely busy whilst achieving absolutely nothing.
%
I worship the gravitational effect of her passage through space-time.
%
REMEMBER WHAT THE VALET WHO PARKS YOUR CAR LOOKS LIKE
&emsp;&emsp;&emsp;&emsp;BECAUSE WE DO NOT HAVE VALET PARKING
%
Spaces between ladder rungs have increased because Americans are getting taller.
Manufacturers claim it's all due to climb it change.
%
"Sometimes you ask too much of people.'
"I do?!&ensp;Give me 13 examples."
%
I lie here feeling like I should be doing something.
I sure hope this is it.
%
If I could only swap out my heart for a second liver.
Then I could drink more and care less.
%
Like Robert Frost, I took the road less traveled.
And now I need a new front-end alignment.
%
Every night I sleep like a baby.
Waking up screaming every couple of hours.
%
Life is full of twists.&ensp;Stay flexible.
%
By replacing potato chips with grapefruit as a snack,
you can lose up to 90% of what little joy you have in life.
%
My dogs are named "Calvin" and "Klein".
Yup -- they're boxers.
%
My half-brother is 6 feet 4 inches.
Imagine if he were a full brother!
%
My neighbor runs his sprinklers even though it's raining.
It's really irrigating.
%
I prefer eggs over easy for breakfast.
With my cooking skills, I usually eat eggs over difficult.
%
I missed my barista job interview.
Sadly, I showed up latte.
%
Do we really need anymore rhetorical questions?
%
Sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the ones with a great left hook.
%
I find it hard to remove graffiti.
The writing's on the wall.
%
I just bought a dozen chicks at the grocery store.
Back when I got into the checkout line, it was a dozen eggs.
%
When you avoid money, politics, relationships, and religion
there's not much to discuss in the barbershop.
%
In so many marriages it's the lawyers that Live Happily Ever After.
%
I asked the fortune teller to tell me my future.
She says I'm not in it....
%
"Life in the Fast Lane."
For me it's going through Express Checkout with microwave brownies.
%
My wife said she wanted to "give me the world" for my birthday.
I don't want it. Have you looked at the world lately?
%
I have a hilarious story I soon will tell in this space.
In 2 weeks the statute of limitations runs out.
%
You know of Obi-Wan Kenobi, right?
How about his brother Oboe-Wan, in the Alderaan Symphony Orchestra?
%
I was so glad when I finally gave birth to my son.
We were running out of womb in there.
%
I probably have way too many girlfriends.
I spend a lot of time handing out name tags.
%
My credit is so bad they won't even take cash.
%
The blind date last night did not go well.
Her guide dog set off my allergies.
%
I'm hungry, but all I see in the fridge are <i>ingredients!</i>
%
The box claims the contents were hermetically sealed ... by real hermits!
%
This dinosaur skeleton is 70,000,004 years old.
When I began working here, I was told it was 70,000,000 years old.
%
So, that's the problem!
I have friends in low places.
%
Operating a solar farm takes a lot of work.
Fortunately, my sun helps me.
%
I've just been admitted to the Mood Swing Support Group.
I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
%
Funny ...&ensp;I don't remember being absent-minded.
%
I tried to file a claim with my insurance company for my stolen car.
The book value is $2,500, but the deductible is $4,000. I owe them $1,500!
%
I had a nightmare that it was Monday.
I woke up and ... it was Monday.
%
Pondering: When to start my unauthorized autobiography?
%
I've been told to expect the unexpected.
Wouldn't that make the unexpected expected?
%
I learned it takes three sheep to make just one sweater.
I didn't even know sheep could knit.
%
Sometimes people come into our lives....
And they need to stop doing that!
%
"I'll pour the juice. You say when."
"Well, right now, thank you."
%
I get car sick just looking at the sticker price.
%
I wonder when HR will inform me where they moved the office to?
%
A cynic is simply a frustrated optimist.
%
I do yoga to reduce stress.
Just kidding... I drink wine in my yoga pants.
%
BEWARE&ensp;OF&ensp;DOG
He doesn't bite, but people keep tripping over him.
%
If your parents never had children,
it's likely you will not either.
%
I keep trying to convince my phone that <i>this</i> <u>is</u> my face!
%
<b>Naval Blockade</b> (N.), Belly button lint
%
Life's a mystery and I haven't a clue.
%
I had a weird childhood.
When my father got a father-and-son invitation, he took <i>his</i> father.
%
Ancestry.com claims there are robots in my family tree.
%
What juice box pairs well with Hot Pockets?
%
I have no problem with coffee.
I <u>am</u> a problem <i>without</i> coffee.
%
Don't worry, your secrets are safe with me.
I have short term memory loss.
%
My car doesn't have a passenger air bag. But don't worry.
If there's an accident, all the fast food napkins in the glove box will cushion you.
%
Sunsets are so beautiful because the sun does its best when approaching a deadline.
%
I don't misplace things.
I put things in locations that will later elude me.
%
Most folks first word of the year is "happy".
%
I guess my decorum was improper.
I tried to start "the wave" at the opera.
%
It took me nearly all day to get her forgiveness.
I wonder what it was that I did this time?
%
Well ... ok. If 2 wrongs don't make a right, then how many do?
%
I'm allowed to watch women's beach volleyball.
But, only if I can pass a pop quiz on the score.
%
I've soured on pickleball.
%
I see you're doing your best.
Gee, that must be awkward.
%
I've taken up wood carving.
It's a whittle bit fun.
%
I joined a workaholic support group.
But I had to send a friend to represent me -- due to my job demands.
%
Pondering... Do fish drool?
%
Interviewer, "Describe yourself in 3 words."
Me, "Efficient."
%
I looked into taking one of those Viking River Cruises.
But, no, you do not get to loot the villages along the way.
%
"Management will continue to hold these meetings
until we discover why no work is getting done."
%
If you work from home,you might go days without speaking to anyone.
But there are downsides, too.
%
I went to college without ChatGPT.
And it was uphill both ways.
%
It would great if WalMart added an upper level observation deck.
%
What happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
%
Don't get me wrong, I'm glad to be alive.
But how many more times am I gonna deal with the "CHECK ENGINE" light?
%
I wish I was as happy as that guy in the pharmaceutical ad.
%
I always have a snack before going to bed.
Last night I went to bed four times.
%
I didn't raise my son to blame others for his failings.
That was his mother's doing.
%
I ate so much I almost had to undo my belly button.
%
I just checked my birth year in the actuarial tables.
I am now 10 years past my "Best By Date".
%
I have some really good advice for folks who become as old as me.
But I can't remember any of it.
%
I was asked to repair an abacus.
I better make it count.
%
My friend came to my costume party dressed as an abacus.
I knew I could count on him.
%
Maybe soy milk is regular milk introducing itself in Spanish.
%
When I stand up you hear the special effects for a disaster movie.
%
It was weird. I actually had to <i>go into</i> the bank!
It was just like the early settlers.
%
My toaster's name is Bernie.
%
Really bad memory. I write notes on my left hand.
On my right hand I've scrawled "LOOK AT LEFT HAND".
%
I was expelled from music school for plagiarism.
Honestly, I was just taking notes.
%
A woman with a dog on the elevator said, "Don't worry. He's harmless."
Dunno if she was talking to me or the dog...
%
I wish people would stop fooling me "... all of the time."
%
I've just been scolded about scrolling through memes for 2 hours.
Big deal! In social media time that's like 5 minutes.
%
I'm so old I have to special order <b>LARGE PRINT</b> alphabet soup.
%
I have a tofu joke ... but it's rather tasteless.
%
Don't tell jokes about unfit people.
They never work out.
%
I now have a disease that the doctor cannot pronounce.
%
Every time I see pie, I hear two internal voices.
One says. "Eat that Pie!", and the other says, "Don't forget ice cream!"
%
Some folks need to be more fluent in silence.
%
Fun Fact: Tectonic plates move at roughly the same rate fingernails grow.
%
A sewing machine is a device that provides a several-fold increase
of the speed at which you can make mistakes.
%
I just had my 20th birthday --- for the 4th time.
%
Gravity has lowered my chest, my stomach, and my butt.
Why hasn't it lowered my cholesterol?
%
I wonder why I was so eager to begin adulting.
%
I named my horse Flattery, because he gets me nowhere.
%
When I grab a book, I always start on a random page.
It's like joining a TV show in progress.
%
<b>A</b> one-liner is a joke that can <b>B</b> delivered in a single line, as you can <b>C</b>.
%
There's a new sign posted on my accountant's office door.
"BE BACK IN 15 TO 20 YEARS"
%
It's said you should start each day with a positive thought.
And I think I'll just remain in bed.
%
Usually it's one dessert and 2 spoons.
Sometimes it's one spoon and 2 desserts.
%
Remember, right-handed people commit 90% of all errors.
%
I could not find a parking spot, so I left.
They've got enough people.
%
When asked the time, don't say,"It's a quarter to 4."
Instead say, "It's 3.75."
%
We maintain a list of things that need to be done around the house.
When it reaches 10 critical, or 20 incidental projects, we move.
%
I really dig archaeologists.
They make ground-breaking discoveries.
%
I just read a book about addictions.&emsp;Four times.
%
People complain about crying babies on airplanes.
As long as it's not the pilot, I'm fine.
%
The neighbor dug a hole in his yard and filled it with water.
I'm sure he meant well.
%
Two buckets met on the street.
"You look a little pail."&ensp;"Yes, I'm not a well bucket."
%
So, I'm supposed to agree to disagree?
I'm not agreeing to that.
%
I think I got into the garden too early this Spring.
My best hope now is that I'll grow frozen vegetables.
%
My mother-in-law's dinners are always a mystery.
You never know what'll come out of her cauldron.
%
Cows with abundant water sources have softer hides, rated "A".
Cows living in hot, dry climates are typically "D" hide-rated.
%
I was assaulted by a man with a beer mug.
You should see the size of the brews he left.
%
As a child we usually had chopped pickles for a side dish.
I really relish those days.
%
One of my friends has an AI girlfriend.
He's dating a model. She's a Gemini.
%
The good old days.&ensp;I wish I didn’t know now what I didn’t know then!
%
I drink 2% milk --- and 98% rum.
%
Chin Ups seem the be an exercise - - - in futility.
%
I think I can screw up the courage to ask her out.
After all, I can screw up most things.
%
I've got plenty of know-it-all.
I'm just not good at the know-why.
%
Just when I had all the answers, they went and changed all the questions.
%
Computer used to scream in pain when connecting to the internet.
This was a warning, and we did not heed it.
%
I was going to drop a joke about cash machines here.
But I cannot think of one ATM.
%
Remember to be nice to people that have access to your toothbrush.
%
I can't laugh all the way to the bank" with my pay check.
But it does raise a chuckle amongst the tellers.
%
I don't need a Recipe for Disaster.
I usually just wing it.
%
Wouldn't you classify a hearse as a Last Responder?
%
Unsolved mysteries are&ensp;simply&ensp;&ensp;just&ensp;&emsp;mysteries.
%
I put the disco in discombobulated;
%
Every time I leave the house, I leave with keys, wallet, phone,
and a vague sense that I've forgotten something.
%
I tried to make up a joke about TV controllers.
I gave up, It wasn't even remotely funny.
%
As youngsters we tend to do dumb things.
But we mature, and grow older &amp; wiser --- and still do dumb things.
%
You can get a lot done if you don't care who gets the credit.
%
My boss asked me if I had a drinking problem.
I felt that was a loaded question.
%
I've got so much going for me these days.
My knees are going, also my hearing, and now my back.
%
We always shop for clothes that were fit for royalty.
At the thrift shop I select king-sized, and she selects queen-sized.
%
The phrase "don't take this the wrong way" will always have a 0% success rate.
%
My old job had mandatory workshops on burnout.
They were always scheduled over our lunch break,
%
When you're asked who your favorite child is,
you are supposed to pick from your own.
%
Get out of bed early: "The early bird get the worm."
Get out of bed at noon: "The early worm gets eaten."
%
The word "dinosaur" was first used in 1841.
Before that, when they dug up bones, they'd yell "<b>Leaping Lizards!</b>".
%
He is either big for his age, or young for his size.
%
“Paper or plastic?” "You choose for me." "Sorry. Baggers can’t be choosers."
%
My English teacher loved to give pop quizzes.
She was so testy.
%
I got a 'Friend Request' from my friend Bob --- who died 3 years ago.
It's nice that he wants to keep in touch.
%
When I'm driving, if there's a red light, I'll find it.
%
You need to know I'm in a mode.
I'm just not going to tell you which one.
%
Living in a small town has it's pluses.
Like, if you don't know what you're doing, someone else does.
%
Mr. and Mrs. Sunk got divorced. She took every scent he had.
%
My Grandfather's last words to me, "Are you still holding the ladder?"
%
Pondering: Am I good at being bad, or bad at being good?
%
Isn't it ironic, that out of all the things that 'Taste Like Chicken',
faux chicken isn't one of them?
%
It's always hard to solve a redneck murder.
The DNA is all the same, and there are no dental records.
%
Stop and smell the roses they say.
Now my nose is full of aphids.
%
I need to get outside more and get some sun.
I was wearing short sleeves and someone asked if they could sign my casts.
%
I tried looking on the bright side.
It was bright because it was a dumpster fire.
%
My relax-fit jeans are no longer relaxed.
%
I've gotten old enough that my vision has changed.
It's gone from 20-20 to so-so.
%
I ran into my ex today.&ensp;It seemed like cold times.
%
I understand that 'cancel culture' is a 'thing'.
Luckily I'm immune to any kind of culture.
%
Can dogs from different countries understand the barking of other dogs?
%
Horse racing is just Amish NASCAR.
%
Humans put a man on the moon before they put wheels on luggage.
%
I have a scary joke about math ... but I'm 2&sup2; to tell it.
%
It's really odd that I can lick almost any elbow --- just not my elbow.
%
New material for my procrastination memoir:
It took me 11 minutes to do that thing I was avoiding for 3 months.
%
I suppose the Guinness Record for stuffing a telephone will now stand forever.
%
It's HOT!! I saw a bird blow on a worm before eating it.
%
It's HOT!! I saw a fire hydrant flagging down a dog.
%
What's so sad about seeing a Rolls with 5 lawyers going off a cliff?
A Rolls Royce seats 6.
%
I sometimes wonder...
Have I ever eaten an egg from a chicken I also ate?
%
I just had my fortune told.
I will soon have an out of money experience.
%
There’s nothing like a good joke ... and this is nothing like a good joke.
%
I viewed a documentary about Velcro last night.
Parts were fairly gripping. But mostly it was a ripoff.
%
I viewed a history documentary on U-Haul.
It was genuinely moving.
%
This joke contains greater than 95% post-consumer bytes by weight.
%
Tomorrow is today --- just a day later.
%
Is there a difference between New York- &amp; Chicago-style communion wafers?
%
If my job has taught me anything, it's that I don't like working.
%
Taking breaks from headphone use can lessen hearing damage.
That's sound advice.
%
My uncle won't wear his glasses.
He says after 93 years, he's seen enough.
%
It's broken, I guess. Now it's a can't opener.
%
I guess I don't have impostor syndrome.
I'm just bad at everything I do.
%
Numbers are strange --- some even odd.
%
You should do fun things in your life.
Call in sick to places you don't even work.
%
I found a candy cane from last Winter in the back of the pantry.
It was still in mint condition.
%
The gender neutral term for "sugar daddy" is "glucose guardian".
%
My half-sister is 5'6".&ensp;Imagine if she was a <i>full</i>-sister!
%
I'm still tired from yesterday's tired.
%
The 3 tenets of business are touching base, getting on the same page, and circling back.
I have no idea what that means, which is why I'm unemployed.
%
If you laid a Blue Whale across a basketball court,
they would have to cancel the game.
%
The two "e"s in bee might actually be silent.
%
I like my coffee like I like my men.
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away.
%
There are friends with benefits.
And there are friends with consequences.
%
You shouldn't be complaining about <i>your</i> life.
There are people out there dating your ex.
%
My sister-in-law is a terrible cook.
Last night she served burnt hot dogs and coal-slaw.
%
General, "I need another small pokey thing for the battle map."
Private, "You mean a tack?" &ensp;"Yes, but with surprise."
%
Me, "I am so hungry!"
Horse, "How hungry?"
%
I don't like inquiries about my plans.
Plans just feel line spontaneity spoilers.
%
The 2 days each weekend spent maintaining the yard
require 5 days of recovery at the office.
%
It's cute the way my brother-in-law thinks.
It's almost as if he doesn't.
%
The local store is sells an all-in-one greeting card,
"Wishing you an appropriate sentiment for your particular situation."
%
I finally got the job I didn't want at the company I was avoiding.
%
I found a box of chicken wings in the dairy section.
Must have been free range.
%
As well as being hard of hearing, I'm also hard of seeing.
%
7:00 AM -- Anything is possible.
3:00 PM -- Just not today.
%
Gravity is the most fundamental force in the universe.
But if you took it away, you'd have nothing left but gravy.
%
I used self-control to self-publish a self-help book about self-acceptance.
But I came to the self-realization that I knew nothing about self-promotion.
%
The Three Musketeers has to be the best book-to-movie adaptation.
%
The chef claims to be a true artist.
His Specials are called "The Kitsch Of The Day".
%
I can accomplish anything I set my mind to.
And you are looking at it.
%
I going to see a psychiatrist about my claustrophobia.
Perhaps he can squeeze me in.
%
I knew a calligrapher whose pen had several great writing tips.
%
When I was a kid my family had more cars than anyone in the neighborhood.
It would take me two hours to mow around all of them.
%
My brother-in-law is an open book.
And all the pages are blank.
%
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
%
I'm so old I remember "all thumbs" meant clumsy or inept.
Now-a-days it means you are good at texting.
%
When one door opens, another one opens.&ensp;Kids!
%
A desk is a wastepaper basket with drawers.
%
No one should be punished for something they haven't done.
And I haven't done the laundry.
%
My accountant says my debts are wonderful.
Or maybe she said, "Outstanding".&ensp;Same thing -- right?
%
The pet shop I had wasn't a great success.
Mostly had dust bunnies.&ensp;Oh, and crickets, too.
%
Why are they called hamburgers, if there's no ham?
And hamsters! What about hamsters?
%
In dating the important thing is to sell yourself.
There's plenty of time for honesty later.
%
My wife is shy about telling her age ... by about ten years.
%
I often cry after my therapist sessions.
She commented that she does, too.
%
If it's never too late to start an exercise program,
I'll wait until later.
%
I have an uncanny sense of direction.
I can always take the shortest point between two distances.
%
Beauty is only skin deep,
but ugly goes all the way to the bone.
%
The manual says to call tech support.
Tech support says to read the manual.
%
My wife is always happy to share the last donut.
I get the hole in the middle.
%
The fortune teller saw money in my future.
Although, it won't be mine.
%
How do you roast a cobbler?
You make fun of his shoes.
%
Spelling Bee judge, "Your word is 'condescending'".
Me, "Can you use it in a sentence?" Judge, "Uh, yes. Easily."
%
In Colorado public schools, students sit at Colorado-shaped desks,
write on Colorado-shaped paper, and read Colorado-shaped books.
%
If you can laugh at yourself, you'll never run out of things to laugh at.
%
I grew up in a poor family, but we had each other.
And that was the worst part.
%
Fastening a dart board on the ceiling made me throw up.
%
Schrodinger's funeral was a closed casket.
The tension was incredible.
%
As you get older, you don't actually figure anything out.
You just don't have the energy to care anymore.
%
My cat's name is Sir Francis Drake.
But he only answers to the can opener.
%
Golf is what's keeping me youthful.
You have to be in shape to get out of the places I put the ball.
%
I drink coffee before going to bed.
It gives me a reason to get up in the morning.
%
My voice is like Muzak to my husband.
Just because he hears it does not mean he is listening.
%
I told my boss about my dream that he promoted me.
Then <i>he</i> related a dream where I was fired.
%
I don't know whether to let them pay me pennies on the dollar.
Or to nickle and dime me to death for it.
%
Alexander the Great and Attila the Hun have the same middle name.
%
I hired an inmate to ghostwrite for me.
That put things in context.
%
My brain surgery did not go well.
I have half a mind to sue.
%
My Accountant doesn’t like to be called that.
He prefers to be called a Fiscal Therapist.
%
I gave my handyman a list of 10 jobs to do.
He did jobs 1, 3, 5, and 7. He only does odd jobs.
%
It's possible to inherit a melancholy personality.
Yes, you may have blue genes.
%
You don't really get smarter as you get older.
It's just that there is less dumb stuff left to do.
%
We say "Hair" when we are referring to a lot of it.
But we say "Hairs" when there are just a few.
%
It would seem my super power is post cognition.
%
The Air &amp; Space Museum must have a great atmosphere.
%
You've heard of air guitar and air quotes.
Well, I have a friend that does air texting.
%
My doctor diagnosed me with insomnia.
She said not to lose any sleep over it.
%
If you try to fail and succeed, which did you just do?
%
Who is this "Pete"?
And why am I expected to do things for his sake?
%
I've decide to quit chasing my dreams.
Instead, I'll sneak up on them at the bar after running away from me all day.
%
My doctor said I should install a bar in my shower.
I swear those margaritas taste better there.
%
You're old when you don't know anyone on the nightly news.
You're really old when you don't care.
%
We believe our senator is sentimental.
Supposedly he has his first bribe framed in his office.
%
My girlfriend works for Amazon.
And, I might add, she's Prime.
%
Honking at me to get moving when the light turns green
will not make me text any faster.
%
I have an entomological etymology question about the bumble bee.
Or ... maybe it's an etymological entomology question...
%
Between two evils, I usually will pick the one I never tried before.
%
It wasn't until my internet went down for 4 days
that I realized how boring my life is.
%
Fun-Sized candy bars are a lie.
%
Is this what I wanted to be when I grew up?
Not then.&emsp;And not now.
%
I should write stories about my life.
But first, I'd have to have a life.
%
Would it still be TGIF if it's Friday The 13th?
%
I believe I know why spelling and grammar have gotten so bad.
These days too many folks have typo blood.
%
If I was a polymath, I wouldn't have had to google polymath.
%
I spotted an albino Dalmatian yesterday.
I felt it was the least I could do.
%
A cosmetic surgeon named Beau hosts a podcast.
It's called Beau Talks.
%
I often blurt out military tank jokes. I have turrets.
%
Sarcasm is like slapping stupid people in the face,
but with words.
%
We've saved a lot of money on paper towels by not having children.
%
My half brother and I were not allowed to play with chainsaws ever again.
%
Me, "This is supposed to be a nude beach."
Lifeguard, "Suit yourself."
%
The only difference between me and someone in a psych ward is&ensp;I'm outside.
%
I can't wait to see a driverless car pulled over by a driverless police car.
%
Every day I get up, look in the mirror and say, "Well, that's new!"
%
Delivering pizzas by kangaroo.
Jump-starting the company on Monday.
%
I'm fairly good with D.I.Y.&ensp;Destroy It Yourself.
%
There's a marked difference between genius and stupidity.
Genius has its limits.
%
I'm probably not brushing or flossing properly.
My dentures have a cavity.
%
Most folks wear out the knees of their bluejeans first.
Me -- I wear out the seat.
%
I often exercise my right to free speech by deciding not to express it.
%
In the USA they have alphabet soup.
In Japan it's Ramen numerals.
%
I sucked in my stomach and stood on the bathroom scale.
It didn’t lower my weight but it did let me see the numbers.
%
Music recordings are just audio book versions of sheet music.
%
Atheists went door-to-door in the neighborhood handing out blank pamphlets.
%
In hindsight, I think my oversight was shortsighted, anyway that's my insight.
%
"The trouble with quotes on the internet is you can never be sure they are genuine."
-- Dwight D Eisenhower
%
Yesterday I got up early and dressed for a run.
I didn't run. I just put on the running outfit.
%
I have to make my own complimentary breakfast.
%
My project reports are so bad that my boss begged me to use AI.
%
"That's why they pay me the medium bucks."
. . . and why my cup runneth under.
%
How many seconds are there in one year?
12 of'em.&ensp;Jan.2<sup>nd</sup>, Feb. 2<sup>nd</sup>, Mar.2<sup>nd</sup> , Apr 2<sup>nd</sup> ,.........
%
My son just graduated at the university.
His diploma contains a QR code for the donations office.
%
Most people don't think I'm as old as I am,
until they hear me stand up.
%
I never watched the movie: "RV".
But I saw the trailer.
%
I understand our new secretary likes 'bad boys'.
Well, she's in luck; I'm bad at everything.
%
Never hold a Dustbuster and a cat at the same time.
%
I'm the president of a running club.
I run the show.
%
My psychiatrist says I have delusions of grandeur.
And I think I’m just really awesome!
%
My therapist told me I have an inferiority complex.
But I don’t think I’m good enough to have one.
%
My therapist said my narcissism is out of control.
I think she’s just jealous of how great I am.
%
Congratulations!&ensp;I hope your baby is a boy or girl.
%
Can fat people go skinny-dipping?
%
Helen Waite is in charge of all rush orders.
If you are in a hurry, just go to Helen Waite.
%
I had to finance my new watch.
I'm living on borrowed time.
%
The fella that fell into the upholstery machine is now fully recovered.
%
My son expressed a desire to become a chimney sweep.
I said, "Soot yourself."
%
My dreams last night included a fictional identical twin.
When I woke up, I was besides my self!
%
An electrician gets home late and his wife asks, "Wire you insulate?"
He replies, "Watts it to you, I'm ohm aren't I?"
%
After he invented the lightbulb,
people saw Edison in a new light.
%
"Didn't one of your sisters play the harmonica?"
"Yeah. That would our Monica."
%
Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
%
"If you could be anyone living or dead, what would you be"
"Living, please!"
%
I got drunk last night and had a fight with a mop.
To be fair, I wiped the floor with it.
%
I wrote a play called: "Broken Bones".
All I need now is a cast.
%
A rubber-band pistol was confiscated in the algebra class,
because it was a weapon of math disruption.
%
43% of marriages end in divorce. The rest end in death.
But good luck with your new project.
%
It's not OCD. It's called strategy.
%
I'm not a control freak, but you're doing it all wrong.
%
<b>Perfectionist</b> (N.), Someone fixing things that were fine to begin with
%
I asked my friend if his sunglasses were polarizing.
"Dunno... Some people like them. Some people don't."
%
My special talent is jumping to the worst possible conclusion.
And then worrying about that thing for hours.
%
Don't blame others for the road you're on.
That's your own asphalt.
%
When I was five I had a crush on a girl I met in the city pool.
Alas, it was not to be. We drifted apart.
%
I spent the day with a friend -- who is 77 years old.
Kids like him keep me young.
%
Instead of Pay Day, they ought to call it Exchange Day.
They give it to me, and I give it to everyone else.
%
When butterflies are in love, do they feel humans in their stomach?
%
We've been married 48 years and we're intimate <i>almost</i> every night.
Almost on Monday... Almost on Tuesday... Almost on Wednesday... ...
%
You should always admit your mistakes before someone exaggerates them.
%
I order my eggs hard-boiled on the bottom and soft-boiled on the top.
I lost my upper dentures.
%
Having <i>PLANS</i> always sounds like a good idea.
&emsp;... until you have to put on clothes and leave the house.
%
Aren't you glad you don't look like what you've been through?
%
I like it when the person with OCD loads the ATM.
All the twenties are turned right way up.
%
Being an adult seems to be out of my price range now.
%
<b>WARNING</B>&ensp;This product contains no warning label.
%
The first rule of the Double Negative Club is
we do not <i>not</i> talk about the Double Negative Club.&emsp;It's a no-no.
%
My brother-in-law changes his password from time to time.
I don't think he realizes that they are the same words.
%
I took my college fund, spent it on a boat, and called it "Scholar Ship".
%
Marriage may be a two-way street.
But wives control the stoplights.
%
AI&emsp;It seems heavy on artificial and light on intelligence..
%
Well, it's finally come to this.
I'm so old that I have a different doctor for each part of my body.
%
My boss seems to have the perfect working relationship with me,
Sometimes he's right.&ensp;Sometimes I'm wrong.
%
I was worrying about being right or wrong.
I thought I was wrong.&emsp;I was right.
%
For my mother-in-law's visit, my wife wants a cake.  Chocolate... Carrot... Tiramisu...
My suggestion: Crab Cake.
%
Why do they put diarrhea medication on the bottom shelf at the pharmacy?
%
Kid 1, "How many wives can a man have?"
Kid 2, "Sixteen ... four better, four worse, four richer, and four poorer."
%
You money is not really yours.
It's just your turn with it.
%
I started this job not because it is easy.
But, because I thought it would be easy.
%
I created a graph of all my past relationships.
It has an ex axis and a why axis.
%
My anger management class may be helping.
Today I only threw 2 golf clubs into the lake.
%
I've chosen the opening lines for my speech.
"Thanks for inviting me to speak. I love hearing myself talk."
%
It takes patience to listen.
It takes skill to <i>pretend</i> you're listening.
%
Uncle Artie always makes funny vegetable puns.
I love Artie jokes.
%
For unknown reasons fat helps the body recover.
I guess the lard works in mysterious ways.
%
I had a long dream I was at work.
When I awoke, I called in sick. I ain't working twice in one day.
%
After 5 karate lessons, I can now break a 4 inch block of wood with my cast.
%
An alleged luggage thief was released.
The case had collapsed.
%
Well,&ensp;Well,&ensp;Well.
If it isn't the bridge I said I'd cross when I came time it.
%
Store clerk, "Did you find everything?"
Me, "Why? Are you hiding stuff?"
%
I've been taking steps to overcome my hiking addiction.
But I'm not out of the woods yet.
%
An empty fortune cookie is rather unfortunate.
%
Interviewer, "Can I get your references?"
Me, "Probably not. Nobody else does."
%
How many birds does it take to change a lightbulb?&ensp;Toucan
%
Can an orphan eat at a family restaurant?
%
Everyone said my costume was tasteless.
I came dressed as a rice cake.
%
I spent the evening at a gender reveal party.
Well, to be honest, it was a strip club.
%
You have to spend money to lose money.
%
You can’t believe everything you hear -- but you can repeat it.
%
I dunno what gift to get for my Aunt - the Hoarder.
What do you buy a woman who has everything?
%
As a kid I constantly heard, "An apple a day keeps the doctor away."
These days I believe it was just one of granny's myths.
%
There's a lot to be said about the "Happy Wife, Happy Life" philosophy.
But, a case can be made for the "Slightly Irritated Wife, Amusing Life" theory.
%
Therapist, "What's your Super Power?"&ensp;Me, "Hindsight."
Therapist, "Thai's not a real thing."&ensp;Me, "Yes. I see now."
%
Years ago I named my dog "Peeve".
Yeah. Ever since he's been my pet Peeve.
%
My analyst just ran some tests on me.
Somewhere in Switzerland, Hermann Rorschach is spinning in his grave.
%
I discovered a sure-fire way to knock 10 strokes of my golf score.
You just skip a hole.
%
Yesterday I officially purchase the first bag of Halloween Candy.
It&emsp;will&emsp;not&emsp;make&emsp;it&emsp;to&emsp;Halloween...
%
Two reasons you should never drink toilet water.
&emsp;Number one
&emsp;Number two
%
The weakest car component is usually the nut holding the wheel.
%
Just finished a "Fun Run" for charity.
I've had fun before, and that sure wasn't it.
%
For me, every day is "Bring Your Child To Work Day".
That's because of my inner child.
%
My treadmill has 7 different modes.
It's 8 if you include "clothes rack".
%
An example of a double negative is two pessimists dating.
%
So far this year seems like being awake during surgery.
%
Not once in the Fast and Furious movies did they ever stop and gas up.
%
Seems there's a reason I look so bad in photos.
It's my face.
%
How many pessimists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Never mind.&ensp;Nobody would like the joke anyways.
%
You know who I feel real sorry for?
The kids who'll have to study all this in history class.
%
My friends say I’m a pessimist.
But I think it’s far worse than that.
%
I get more for my money playing golf than the other fellas.
I get to hit my ball twice as much as they do.
%
Pessimists are never disappointed.
%
Everyone has the right to be stupid.
But my brother-in-law is abusing the privilege.
%
We have a band called The Introverted Pessimists.
You've probably never heard of us, but that's fine.
%
A pessimist after summiting Mt. Everest, "It's all downhill from here."
%
Pessimists and German vegetarians -- They fear the wurst.
%
A depressed pessimist, "I don't think this day can get any worse..."
The cheerful optimist, "Oh yes, IT CAN!!"
%
A pessimist's blood type is always B-negative.
%
I like being a pessimist.
I'm either right, or pleasantly surprised.
%
404&emsp;JOKE NOT FOUND
%
There are two main ingredients in Trail Mix.
M&amp;Ms and disappointment.
%
"There was an old lady that lived in a shoe."
Who the hell was her real estate agent?!
%
Pack my box with with five dozen liquor jugs.
<font size="2">That sentence contains every single letter of the alphabet using the fewest letters to do so.</font>
%
I applied for a job at Wordle.
The asked for 5 letters of recommendation.
%
I should stop caring about what others think.
Right?&ensp;Right?&emsp;RIGHT?
%
Wine Math: If you refill your glass before it's empty,
it is still considered one glass.
%
Childhood is fleeting, but immaturity can last forever.
%
Every so often you should try on your jeans to make sure they still fit.
Pajamas and sweats would have you believe that all is well.
%
I met a microbiologist yesterday.
He was much larger than I expected.
%
As a kid they teach you phonics, but
then they make you sit next to a kid named Sean.
%
There are pros and cons being my friend.
Pros -- You have a friend.&ensp;Cons -- It's me.
%
Of all the things that taste like chicken,
it's weird that eggs ain't one of them.
%
I have a speech impediments: my foot.
%
Now I'm thinking that, yes, my soulmate is out there.
They're pushing on a PULL door.
%
Infidelity-caused depression is a sad state of affairs.
%
Five ants sublet to five other ants -- making them tenants.
%
Cannibals particularly enjoy fashion designers.
Most of them have great taste.
%
I was up all night studying for my eye exam.
%
I saw about a dozen midgets at a table in The Cracker Barrel.
It was a little get together and was arranged on short notice.
%
I think the story of Humpty Dumpty is off-the-wall comedy.
%
Maybe I haven't grown well into maturity.
Social Services just came and took my inner child.
%
The world will never know your middle name.
Well ... unless you assassinate someone.
%
Amateurs built the Ark.&ensp;Professionals built the Titanic.
%
My memory foam mattress probably wishes it could forget.
%
My swimsuit tells me, "Go to the pool!"
My sweatpants are like, "Nah, you're good."
%
My trash goes out more often than I do.
%
Be nice to all your friends.
You may need one of them to empty your bedpan.
%
I've gotten so fed up with what's going on!
If a clown invited me to go into the woods, I'd go.
%
I'm somebody's double shot of scotch, rather than someone's cup of tea.
%
It was a rough day golfing.
One of the carts broke down --- the beverage cart.
%
My wildest fantasies have become boring lately.
Nothing can compete with the current reality.
%
Sure, my company has an employee  health plan.
The parking garage is 2 miles away.
%
Can colorblind people get the blues?
%
If my car was self-driving, it would've thrown itself in a compactor long ago.
%
I've been accused of being superficial.
But that's just on the surface...
%
Early on I learned the secret to success.
My dad owns the company.
%
Today I'm going to be BOLD -- and say BOLD things...
Maybe I'll just do my social media in <b>bold.</b>
%
Suppose I wanted to go for a long run, and listen to podcasts?
Well, that's a lot of hypotheticals!
%
Pigeon poop burns your eyes for 13 hours.
You will learn this the hard way.
%
I like to think of it as exercise.
At work I run -- the gamut.
%
Do you remember when Yoga was called Twister?
%
There is a person out there for everyone.
Your person maybe five cats.
%
After so many years, the upcoming job interview scares me.
It's not the questions that worry me  --- it's the answers!
%
The reception for my brother-in-law's second marriage was large.
The Cracker Barrel ran out of chicken fried steak.
%
Too smart! Last night my smart TV told me to go to bed.
%
I was accused of photoshopping my social media profile.
Total nonsense!&emsp;It was AI-generated.
%
I have faith in my ability to write.
But I'm totally incompetent at edit and rewrite.
%
My scientific calculator might be possessed.
The sines are all there.
%
I'm on two diets.&ensp;I was too hungry for one.
%
Could my life be more predictable?
<font size="2">I knew I was gonna ask that.</font>
%
I once dated a girl who had a twin.&ensp;How did I tell them apart?
It was easy.&ensp;Jill painted her nails purple and Bob had a beard.
%
I knew the psychic was bogus the moment she accepted my check.
%
I wanted to be a Monk, but I never got the chants.
%
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a full-sized cart at the liquor store.
%
I was trying to parallel park when Siri said, "Stop and let me out!"
%
Do gun manuals have a troubleshooting section?
%
My favorite color is green.
I like it better than blue and yellow combined.
%
You never realize how weird you are until you have a kid who acts just like you.
%
To turn a regular sofa into a sofa bed, simply forget your wife's birthday.
%
Based on the amount of laundry I do,
there are people who live here that I haven't met yet.
%
You know you're old when you go to bed at the same time you used to go out.
%
I'm going to start collecting highlighters. Mark my words!
%
My whole life I thought that air was free -- until I bought a bag of chips.
%
I think people have been talking about my paranoia.
%
The number of people that confuse "to" and "too" is amazing two me.
%
I would be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else.
%
Give a man a fish, and apparently you're a really bad secret Santa.
%
I cannot resist Thanksgiving leftovers.
I can't quit cold turkey.
%
I know of a fat psychic.&ensp;She's four-chin teller.
%
If I had a dollar for every time algebra helped me, I'd have x dollars.
%
Spilling wine is the adult equivalent of losing your balloon.
%
I have one of those metabolisms where I can eat anything and still get fat.
%
Imagine how much noise a centipede would make if it wore flip flops.
%
Sometimes God sends your ex back into your life to see if you're still stupid.
%
My dentist fixed my cavities with different colors.
I have mixed fillings.
%
I'm always in control. It's a tight shipwreck.
%
My dream job would be a Karma delivery person.
%
A bunch of crows is called a murder.
A bunch of kids is called a migraine.
%
I have mixed drinks about feelings.
%
I think my iPhone is broken.
I pressed the Home button, but I'm still at work.
%
Need to re-home a terrier that tends to bark a lot.
If interested, I'll jump over my neighbor's fence and get it for you.
%
I wish we could donate body fat to those in need.
%
I went dancing last night.
Well, it was actually a roadside sobriety test. Same thing.
%
I'm addicted to caffeine. My birth stone is a coffee bean.
%
My dentist has lots of posters of teeth and gums in his office.
Luckily my gynecologist hasn't really decorated hers.
%
Family are like mosquitoes; annoying, but they carry your blood.
%
The phrase, "Don't take this the wrong way," has a 0% success rate.
%
I saw a woman at Walmart with March Madness teeth.
She was down to the final four.
%
A telemarketer who said he couldn't understand me.
I told him to press one for English.
%
A furniture store keeps calling me.
All I wanted was one night stand.
%
I usually wake up grumpy.
But today I let her sleep.
%
When time get tough, I find I'm capable of anything.
Like admitting defeat.
%
My sunglasses are polarizing.
Some people like them and some don't.
%
Everyone exhibited their self-confidence at the School For The Blind prom.
They all danced like no one was watching.
%
"DO NOT TOUCH" must be a scary thing to read in braille.
%
Which month has 28 days?
They all do.
%
The worst hotel ever was The Fiddle.
It was a vile inn.
%
My 'work ethic' is just about on par with their 'pay ethic'.
%
You know you've done the 'right thing' when nobody notices.
%
I can't understand the anger.
I <i>was</i> listening --- right up to the point when she started talking.
%
My chances of passing this math exam are about 50-60.
And my pencil is all wrong -- it just isn't 2B.
%
Individuals can, and do, make a difference.
But it takes a committee to really screw things up.
%
I just returned from a trip to Greece.
Man, there were math and physics symbols <i>everywhere!</i>
%
Egg salad is still chicken salad, when you think about it.
%
If you want to know about Middle-Earth, give me a ring.
%
My college professor always intimidated me.
I never understood any of the cartoons on his office door.
%
Our local shoe repair shop has a catchy slogan:
We will heel you, save your souls, and even dye for you.
%
The piano tuner just cost me a C note.
%
I can no longer get 'beach-body ready'.
These days I aim for 'backyard ready'.
%
If humans could fly,
we'd consider it exercise and never do it.
%
It's been 4 years since my job interview.
I'm beginning to think they chose someone else.
%
Tired of boiling water each time you make pasta?
Boil a few gallons every Sunday and freeze it for later.
%
Folding laundry is just packing to stay home.
%
Kids born in 2000 will never forget how old they are.
%
Technically we're all half centaur.
%
If you really despise someone, lend then $100.
Chances are you'll never see them again.
%
My Grandma is 80% Irish.
Everyone calls her Iris.
%
A seal walks into a bar and the bartender asks, "What's your pleasure?"
The seal replies, "Anything but Canadian Club."
%
Dark humor was like food in Soviet Russia.
Some people got it, some people didn’t.
%
He is a pro-environment candidate for congress.
He only uses recycled campaign promises.
%
Recently I've only added to these jokes telepathically.
So, if you recently thought of something funny, that was me.
%
I never could've been a Navy Seal.
A Navy Walrus ... maybe.
%
Optimist: My glass is half full.&ensp;Pessimist: My glass is half empty.
Materialist: My glass is a Riedel Sommelier.
%
I attended this year's Multiple Personality Convention.
Lots of folks remembered many of me.
%
I joined D.A.M. (Mothers Against Dyslexia).
%
I'm looking to buy an old lighthouse. But nothing flashy.
%
If a deaf person goes to court, is it still a hearing?
%
My morning coffee pairs with silence.
%
Eye drops are technically blinker fluid.
%
Last night I paused a film to make a cup of tea.
Now I've lost my job at the cinema.
%
How long should you date someone before you meet their spouse?
%
The developer of the wind chill factor died.
He was 84, but he felt like he was 62.
%
A man was injured today after being hit by a car in reverse.
Police are urging the driver to come forward.
%
My sister just delivered a baby.
I knew she had it in her.
%
There was a fire at the IKEA today.
All the employees assembled in the parking lot.
%
I'm staying home today. I contracted mood poisoning.
Probably something I hate.
%
My wife gets angry at my breakfast puns.
She said if I make one more, I'm toast.
%
I need a wine that pairs well with difficult relatives.
%
The local wig shop was robbed.
They're going to replace all the locks.
%
We're getting a Two Dollar store for people who enjoy the finer things.
%
This morning's coffee was so strong it woke up some of my ancestors.
%
I failed the final exam in Magicians School.
They were all trick questions.
%
A women's roofing expo will be held next weekend.
All the shingle ladies will be there.
%
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with poker.
I think she's bluffing.
%
I put whiskey in my coffee because ... it's Ireland somewhere.
%
I was attacked by a flock of sheep today.
Luckily I was only grazed.
%
I've decided to stop seeking the approval of others.
That is if everyone is okay with it? Yes?
%
Everyone was excited at the Autopsy Club.
It was open Mike night.
%
Am I getting older, or is the supermarket finally playing great music?
%
90% of women who wear yoga pants don't go to yoga.
100% of straight men don't care.
%
I gave the rest of my pastry to two pigeons.
I filled two birds with one scone.
%
Overestimating my knowledge is my real Hercules' heel.
%
I read a book about the greatest basement ever.
It's a a best cellar.
%
My new stair lift is driving me up the wall.
%
I arrived early to the Kleptomania Convention.
And I found that all the seats had already been taken.
%
Some people won't admit their faults.
I sure would, if I had any.
%
2020 was still better than my first marriage.
%
Old age is when it takes you longer to get over a good time than to have it.
%
Some guys call them ex-fiancées. I prefer near Mrs.
%
I'm awake. Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
%
If alcohol can damage your short term memory,
imagine the damage that alcohol can do.
%
I remember wanting to grow up and have a job.
So yeah, I've always been an idiot.
%
I've been hiding from exercise.
I entered the fitness protection program.
%
How do I disable the AutoCorrect on my wife?
%
Ever since I can remember, I've wanted to go back to bed.
%
My yoga pose for the day is the downward spiral.
%
I'm really not that old. I prefer the term, Numerically Robust.
%
I don't make mistakes.&ensp; I create unexpected consequences.
%
Why do blurry people always ask me if I'm drunk?
%
I've had bad luck with both of my wives.
The first one left and the second one won't.
%
I wish I was in a gang so I knew what to do with my hands in photos.
%
My father worked twelve hours to put food on the table.
He was the slowest cook I ever knew.
%
Some people don't like to hold hands in public.
Especially the ones who don't know you.
%
Men should be glad that women just want equality and not revenge.
%
Pre-school rules and bar rules are the same.
If you pee in your pants you have to go home.
%
I have a black eye in Karate.
%
After every Thanksgiving meal, I'm proud to say that my socks still fit.
%
My mom was extremely over protective.
We were only allowed to play Rock, Paper.
%
Before I explain, how much do you already know?
%
Another beer bottle with no genie at the bottom. I'll keep looking.
%
Money doesn't impress me unless it's my money.
%
I couldn't make the urology convention, so I watched the live stream.
%
My old car is not voice activated. It goes without saying.
%
I always regret making a good first impression. There's no way I can keep that up.
%
Golf balls are like eggs. They're white and sold by the dozen.
And a week later you have to buy more.
%
Homework is the teacher's way of knowing how smart the parents are.
%
My favorite activity is pretending that I can sing.
%
A friend who went to clown college on a fool scholarship.
%
My friend owns a shoe store.
He's the sole proprietor.
%
I burnt my Hawaiian pizza.
I should have set the oven to aloha temperature
%
Cattle with a sense of humor are a laughing stock.
%
They sure don't make time machines like they're going to!
%
It's hard to get Americans to use dollar coins.
We're afraid of change.
%
Cheap pirate piercings: a buck an ear!
%
I took a midnight swim in one of the Great Lakes, it was Erie.
%
I wonder when the Bermuda Triangle stopped working.
There hasn't been any drama there for quite a while.
%
Today I'm going to give it my almost.
%
Someone hit the gas pedal and crashed into the dollar store.
The total damage was $62.
%
I remember when we carried around flip phones <u>and</u> a digital camera.
We were like pack mules!
%
So what if I don't know what 'apocalypse' means.
It's not like it's the end of the world!
%
Why is it when you're dieting that every TV program shows people eating?
%
Whenever someone says they looked me up online,
I'm not sure which version of me they found.
%
I'm going to start eating healthy and exercising, and I need your help.
Please talk me out of it!!
%
Paranoia is simply an optimistic outlook on life.
%
In a local theater play I have the part of a husband married 50 years.
It&emsp;is&emsp;not&emsp;a&emsp;speaking&emsp;part.
%
My greatest strength is procrastination.
I'll explain it later.
%
We've been told, "Machines will someday be as smart as people."
OK.... <b>Which</b> people??
%
I've never met a problem I couldn't make worse.
%
I danced like no one was watching.
My court date is next month.
%
I can't die yet.
I have graves to dance on that haven't been dug yet.
%
"Your password must contain a character ... with a tragic backstory."
%
I wish they made thought-canceling headphones.
%
I had to beg off from the 5K charity run.
My goldfish has swim practice.
%
It was a very thick book and I was unable to finish it.
It's a long story....
%
If you feel depressed, go out for a run.
You'll find your physical health is far worse that your mental health.
%
A mermaid in a wheelchair would be a sushi roll.
%
Did you ever compare equal weights of water and butane?
Curiously, the butane will always be the lighter fluid.
%
I've attained enlightenment about the true nature of reality.
Now I'm seeking loopholes.
%
We were gifted a fuzzy portrait of my mother-in-law.
She forgot to shave.
%
I can always sense when she's upset with me.
Plus, the subpoena sort of confirms it.
%
I used to spend too much time at the office.
Now I spend too much time at the doctor's office.
%
What starts with W and ends with T.
%
My ex had a lazy eye. She was seeing someone else on the side...
%
I always feel awkward around blind people.
I feel Braille is a touchy subject.
%
Whenever it's Game Point, Set Point, and Match Point,
I develop choke point.
%
When I retire I planned on painting pictures.
She planned on me painting the house.
%
Truck drivers never die.
They go to the Semi Retirement Home.
%
I've decided to become a professional Focus Group participant.
%
I don't believe in generalizing --- as a rule....
%
It was tense at the Furnace Repair Union meeting.
Several guys got into a heated exchange.
%
Falling in love causes you to make stupid mistakes.
Once, I even got married.
%
Dogs must be astonished by elevators.
%
If you remember this, you are old. Very old...
"It's now safe to turn off your computer."
%
Before buying something online, ask yourself this,
"Do I want to get emails from these folks for the rest of my life?"
%
The first person to ever hear a parrot speak
was probably not ok for several days.
%
Always tell people different stories about yourself.
That way, when they gossip about you, they will argue.
%
Nothing is so funny as the next table over at the restaurant thinks it is.
%
Baptists don't recognize the Pope.
They don't recognize the Immaculate Conception.
And they don't recognize each other in the adult book store.
%
The bigger the TV, the smaller the content.
%
So far I've screwed up half my projects for the day.
And ... it's only 12:00.
%
I lost my first husband through attrition.
Each trip out for the newspaper lasted longer, and longer, and longer.......
%
I've started reading a book about helium.
I cannot put it down.
%
That restaurant was very expensive.
Even the lobster <i>bibs</i> were at market price.
%
I would get an exercycle,
but they don't make one that sounds like a Harley.
%
Work is just something I'll do until I win the lottery.
How about you?
%
A sign in an empty lot, "FUTURE SITE OF THE PROCRASTINATORS' CLUB".
It's been there for as long as I can remember.
%
Being sick is illegal in the U.S.A.
Medical bills are fines for that.
%
I'm employed in a foam rubber factory.
It's a pretty cushy job.
%
I was complimented on how good I smell.
I'm just like everyone else; I use both nostrils.
%
I tried to learn to sew. It’s not as easy as it seams.
%
Googling "lost medieval servant boy" yielded "This page cannot be found".
%
If cattle eat grass, doesn't that make them 'plant-based' beef?
%
We have a bar next to the large auto repair shop.
It's called "The Universal Joint".
%
Mail soliciting has resulted in me having so many address labels, I can't ever move.
%
'nun' is just an 'n' doing a cartwheel.
%
I had to quit my golf game early.
I ran out of cuss words.
%
There's a reason misspellings and bad grammar run rampant.
Too many people have typo blood.
%
My teenage son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2&thinsp;AM to tell him my sock had come off.
%
You don't receive acclaim for <i>being</i> a doctor or scientist.
You receive acclaim for <i>acting</i> as a doctor or scientist.
%
My football aspirations were cut short.
I tore my Achilles tendon during the coin toss.
%
I'll never forget the first time we met.&ensp;No&nbsp;matter&nbsp;how&nbsp;hard&nbsp;I&nbsp;try.
%
I peed in the deep end of the pool.
The life guard blew his whistle so hard I almost fell in.
%
My love life is like my Ferrari.
I don't have a Ferrari.
%
Some people should use Gluestick instead of Chapstick.
%
OCD Test:&emsp;Does <sup><font size="3">this</font></sup> bother you?
%
My mother did not raise a bitch.
And even if she did, it is my sister.
%
Hand sanitizer is a gateway drug for OCD.
%
I don't have OCD.&ensp;You're just disorganized.
%
I considered starting a pessimist club,
But I didn't think it would work.
%
The longest drum solo in history was 6 hours long;
performed by a child sitting behind me on the flight to Hawaii.
%
Not all fairy tales start with "Once upon a time…"
Sometimes they start with "Honey, I have to work late this evening…"
%
I received an AM radio for my birthday.
Pretty much useless.&ensp;I'm never up that early.
%
My list of things I'm currently handling well:
&nbsp;1.
&nbsp;2.
%
"Do you exercise?"&ensp;--&ensp;"3 times."
"A week?"&ensp;--&ensp;"No... Just 3 times."
%
My credit card was stolen.
Now someone <i>else</i> is responsible for my overdrawn account.
%
I don't just have a six-pack. I have a keg of abs.
%
When life gives you lemons . . . make margaritas.
%
For the first time ever, I flew First Class.
And the chocolate fondue fountain wasn't working.
%
They say, "Life is a Banquet."
In my case, they're referring to the TV Dinner.
%
I'll probably never go on a cruise.
I need a sea-sick pill just to take a bath.
%
I need a new pen.
This one makes too many errors.
%
I have a condition that doesn't allow me to diet.&ensp;Hunger.
%
I'm so old, we'll need to hire an arsonist to light my birthday candles.
%
My college has a comprehensive curriculum.
There is a Mathematics Division, Engineering Foundation, and an Aviation Wing.
%
I was pulled over for passing a "NO PASSING" sign.
%
Zombies struggle constantly --- just trying to get a head.
%
I learn things from viewing old WW II movies.
Like throwing a grenade is much safer than catching one.
%
I guess it's time for a doctor's appointment.
My body's Check Engine light has been on for days.
%
Debug is human, de-fix divine.
%
I have a magician friend.
He had to see his doctor about a trick knee.
%
I am aging with irreverence and audacity.
It;ll leave my family with much better stories to tell.
%
My dog ate my poetry homework.
It's a dog-eat-doggerel world.
%
Every parent must face the point when their child knows more than them.
In my case it's page 11 of his algebra book.
%
Ok, I have a great new plan,
I just need a "Bad Influence" to take the blame.
%
I had to sign a liability waiver when order the "Chef Special" last night.
%
The house across the street has a trashy yard.
The upside is, it makes our house look <u>really</u> neat.
%
My bank statement comes by email now -- with a crying emoji.
%
The operation would be very expensive.
Or, they could just Photoshop the X-ray.
%
For our last anniversary, I got her a fish finder.
And she got me a pair of diamond earrings.
%
My ex-wife's social media postings come with harsh-tags.
%
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When it becomes apparent.
%
Someone stole all our store's retail coffee cups.
I'm off to the police station to look at mugshots.
%
Age is not a number.&ensp;It's clearly a <i>word.</i>
%
"Coming up, does watching too much TV lower your IQ?"
"Details when the big hand is on six and the little hand is on two."
%
The inventor of auto-correct died last week.
His funfair will be hello this Tuesday.
%
So far this year I've spent $768.16 to get free shipping.
%
For my last meal I will want something low fat, organic, and vegetarian.
%
Dunno why they call is a "Near Miss".
Wouldn't it really be a Near Hit?
%
There's nothing wrong with kids that reasoning with them won't aggravate.
%
Given a chance, I'll make things up --- 99 times out of ten.
%
Demonstrate my biggest weakness as an employee?
Well, maybe the fact I didn't show up for the interview.
%
I hope the AI algorithm shaping my worldview is the correct one.
%
On our date last night I felt a real spark between us!
Well, I call it a spark.&ensp;She calls it a "Taser".
%
We color-coded our kids so people would know what their genitals look like.
%
I see there is a Red Flag Warning this morning.
How did they know I was going to leave the house today?
%
Marriage is a workshop arrangement.
I work.&ensp;She shops.
%
Rhode Island isn't an island and New York isn't new.
So it logically follows that Virginia isn't either.
%
"Where is your wife from?"
"Alaska."&emsp;"What, you don't know either?"
%
Irish Guacamole:  mashed potatoes.
%
My working life goes <i>way</i> back.
I remember tin cans and strings between cubicles.
%
I was thrown out of the anger management meeting.
Everybody was mad at me.
%
I just found my old high school algebra book.
It has that old-book smell -- similar to the smell of failure.
%
My passwords are well protected --- by my bad memory.
%
They printed my letter to the editor.
I'll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
%
I think of each acorn as a tree -- That's it in a nutshell.
%
Scientists have found many new species at the bottom of the sea using robots.
Amazing! I thought only humans could use robots.
%
<font size=5>&#9836;</font> He's making a list...&ensp;He's checking it twice... <font size=5>&#9834;</font>
<font size=5>&#9836;</font> He left it at home...&ensp;He's texting his wife. <font size=5>&#9834;</font>
%
Recipes should include photos of the mess you have to clean up after.
%
Jehovah's Witnesses don't celebrate Halloween.
The don't like strangers coming up to their doors.
%
The next time my wife gets angry, I'll put a cape over her shoulder,
and I'll say, "Now you're SUPER ANGRY!"
Maybe she'll laugh. Maybe I'll die.
%
A baseball game's attendance is never precise.
It's always a ballpark figure.
%
Three years into my sentence --- I decided writing wasn't for me.
%
Paleontologists are naturally aggressive.
They either have a bone to pick, or are digging up the past.
%
My home town was dull, dull, dull....
Even the tide went out and never came back.
%
There are special people that make me emotional with their absence.
That emotion:&ensp;Joy!
%
The fussing, the crying, the constant need for attention...
Last night was so bad, my husband woke the baby.
%
I'm at the hardware store, looking for long nails.
Clerk, "How long do you want them?"&ensp;Me, "I was hoping to keep them."
%
I once had a very good "Can DO" attitude.
Now it's just a "Wish-I-Could" attitude.
%
An alligator attacked a Florida woman while canoeing.
I didn't even know alligators could use canoes.
%
Pope Leo XIV has a degree in mathematics from Villanova.
He doesn't just understand sin. He also understands cos and tan.
%
Pope Leo XIV has a mathematics degree from Villanova.
His favorite Bible book is Numbers.
%
A committee is a life form with six or more legs and no brain.
%
My sister-in-law doesn't do lingerie modeling for the money.
She does it for the exposure.
%
Double-negatives are a no-no.
%
My sister-in-law <i>might</i> look good for her age,
<i>if</i> she told people how old she really was.
%
At my age, an all-nighter means I don't have to get up and pee.
%
My sister-in-law thinks she's reasonably pretty.
I have reasonable doubt.
%
Two blondes were debating whether those were deer or bear tracks.
They were still debating when the train hit them.
%
We named our son "Uncle" -- after my mom's brother.
%
My son was so disappointed.
He thought fortune cookies had money in them.
%
If you ate 1 slice of bread first thing in the morning, and another just before bed,
Then all you had to eat that day was a sandwich.
%
I'm attempting to cross poison ivy with four-leaf clover.
I'm hoping to have a rash of good luck.
%
I have an old pair of glasses to use when trying to find my good glasses.
%
A new social media app is just out for politicians.&ensp;Flip-Flop
%
Long computations which yield zero are probably all for naught.
%
A good friend would bail you out of jail.
A great friend will be in the cell with you saying, "Damn, that was fun!"
%
You can't get your eggs sunny-side up at the Goth Cafe.
You'll get them black, like the waitress' soul.
%
Thanks to the internet, the future has made nostalgia a thing of the past.
%
Never ask me about my dream job.
I would never dream about working.
%
In real life there are neither rewards nor punishments.
There are consequences.
%
I've fallen -- and I refuse to get up!
%
Two Australians walk out of a bar.&ensp;Hey! It <i>could</i> happen!
%
Once in awhile I get my shoes on the wrong feet.
But I've never done that with my socks.
%
I've got a weak back -- happened about a week back.
%
To do as little as possible was my goal for yesterday.
But, since I never finished, I'll complete it today.
%
If you don't believe that money can buy happiness,
let me introduce you to my divorce lawyer.
%
Number one.&ensp;Add a "g" and it's gone.
%
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
%
Saw a display in the grocery for "Entertaining Cheese".
After 10 minutes of boredom, I left.
%
I don't know any fish puns.
If you know of any, let minnow.
%
Railway museums offer peace and quiet due to low commotion.
%
His wife sent him for sewing supplies, but he went to a bar instead.
Gone -- but not for cotton.
%
A grasshopper enters a bar. The bartender says, “Hey! We have a drink named after you!”
The grasshopper, shocked, says, “You have a drink named 'Irwin'!?!?”
%
A screwdriver enters a bar. The bartender says, "Hey! We have a drink named after you."
The screwdriver replies, "You have drink named Philip?"
%
It's absurd that politicians set artistic and cultural standards.
That's what celebrities are for!
%
Boy!&ensp;That new laxative sure works!!
Even took care of the hot dog I ate at the Broncos last Super Bowl win.
%
I had to give up "Dressing For Success".
Now I am "Dressing To Avoid Utter Failure".
%
I have a pet goldfish.&ensp;I call her Sushi.
%
Doctor says I need to eliminate stress in my life.
But, my mother-in-law lives with us!
%
All Bigfoot sightings are just other people looking for Bigfoot.
%
My sister-in-law has delusions of adequacy.
%
I keep myself sharp by regularly asking myself tough questions like
"What happen yesterday?" and "What was I planning to do just now?"
%
I wonder if any of my recorded calls have been used for "training or quality purposes"?
%
Let me save you some time.
If I ever go missing, don't waste time looking on any hiking trails.
%
I used to have Super Powers.
But my therapist took them all away.
%
After the 2025 Presidential Inauguration, I set up a swear jar.
But I didn't have the income to keep pace with my mouth.
%
I was being bored to death, but my survival instincts kicked in.
%
"My dog has no nose."&ensp;'How does he smell?'&ensp;"Awful!"
%
I lost a ball in the rough today.
I did it while bowling.
%
My brother-in-law is the only one I know that can Pay It Backward.
%
If voting made any difference, they wouldn't let you do it.
-- Mark Twain
%
After high school I started working in a muffler shop.
%
I had an idea for an airline catering to bald people.
It would be called "Receding Airlines".
%
I had an idea for a restaurant featuring Chinese and Middle Eastern cuisine.
I would call it "Wok Like An Egyptian".
%
Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere,
diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies.
-- Groucho Marx
%
My ex divorced me --- saying I treated her like a maid.
But the judge agreed that she should keep the house.
%
I went for a meal to the burger joint yesterday.
Nobody there knew how do an "in-person" order.
%
"Tom, I want a divorce for my birthday."
"Dear, I wasn't planning on spending that much."
%
Do clouds look down and say, "That one is shaped like an idiot." ??
It's a cirrus thing to ponder.
%
I bought an eBbook on how to handle rejection.
It's been 3 weeks and the author still won't accept my friend request.
%
The doctor asked if I drink in the mornings
No. I don't get up until noon.
%
I read an article about microplastics.
I cannot get it out of my brain.
%
Their idea for a Zoom wedding was a great idea!
I only had to rent the top half of a tuxedo.
%
The doctor said I am now good to return to work.
I was hoping for a more favorable diagnosis.
%
In the future, travel to Mars will be commonplace.
And so, too, will be lost luggage on the moon.
%
People ask why there are so few guard rails on Colorado's mountain roads.
Well, the main reason is that it got too expensive to keep replacing them.
%
She claims we never have conversations anymore.
I'm pretty sure I have to get in some words for it to be a conversation.
%
The town's only fortune teller quit because of unforeseen incidents.
%
Can colorblind people wear rose-colored glasses?
%
It's called a "scramble" because
"Poorly Organized Chaos" looks bad on golf t-shirts.
%
I'm in a support group for people suffering from Lyme Disease.
We call it Tick Talk.
%
In working from home, I maintain an in-box, an out-box, and a litter box.
%
Only humans would spend millions to bring back an extinct animal,
but fail to spend enough to prevent animals from becoming extinct.
%
The worst part of reincarnation would be going through high school again.
%
The most well-adjusted people in the world probably aren't on Facebook.
%
My life is like a chess game. My wife's the Queen. I'm the Pawn.
And I cannot figure out my next move.
%
The cops and firemen had a canoe race.
It ended up being Row versus Wade.
%
They won't be making yardsticks any longer.
%
In order to dial out, it is necessary to broaden one's dimension.
%
At my age, my body is on a month-to-month lease.
%
My vain brother-in-law has had a lot of plastic surgery.
We call him "Friar Tuck".
%
My grandson tells it like it is.
And I tell it like it <i>was.</i>
%
Maybe not the best business decision.
I opened a Shovel Rental shop at the cemetery.
%
I don't mean to reveal anything, but today's 'WORDLE' is R..O..U..G..H.
%
I jog almost every day.
In fact, I almost jogged today.
%
I don't want a plastic surgeon --- I want a <i>real</i> one.
%
A phrase you don't want to hear on a blind date:
"Hey ! I made that license plate!"
%
There's a term for gluten-free, sugarless, vegan brownies.
Compost.
%
My life is <u>not</u> like a box of chocolates.
It's more like mixed vegetables with freezer burn.
%
There were no books in the library about conspiracies.
Coincidence?
%
My son likes elevators; my daughter likes escalators.
They were raised differently.
%
I have an anorexic girlfriend.
But each week I'm seeing less and less of her.
%
My job at the clock factory is boring.
I just stand around all day and make faces.
%
My will to live crashed the day I discovered chocolate bunnies are hollow.
%
The good news was there is no injury.
The bad new is that's how I'm supposed to feel at my age.
%
Some people spend more on coffee than they put away into retirement savings.
How do they sleep at night?
%
There are two signs of aging.&ensp;The first, you forget things.
The second - - - I can never remember the second.
%
If youth is wasted on the young, then wisdom is wasted on the old.
%
I feel like I'm in a good place -- but not what you think.
I'm just in a donut shop.
%
I do want to stop procrastinating --- but not right now.
%
Here's a joke about circumcision.
[removed]
%
She promised no lie detector test until the second date.
%
I oversee customer service at a call center.
Our motto is "Make America Wait Again".
%
I often respond to emails in my head.
I also can go weeks without realizing I didn't respond in real life.
%
I keep being told to act my age ---
mostly by folks that have never even been my age.
%
No job is so simple that it cannot be done wrong.
%
I get the last laugh quite often.
That's because I'm the last to get the joke.
%
Just got a telephone call from my ex-wife.
She always did have a way with slurs.
%
The fortune teller said I'll be happy one day.
Just.&ensp;One.&ensp;Day.
%
When life gives you lemons, you may be charged with receiving stolen goods.
%
Everything is going to be OK.
<font size="2">Results may vary,</font>
%
The hardest part of beekeeping is remembering all the names.
%
I couldn't get a date in high school, so I'd go to the drive-in and do push-ups in the backseat.
-- Rodney Dangerfield
%
She was an earth sign, I was a water sign. Together we made mud.
-- Rodney Dangerfield
%
I love video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies.
For instance: being assigned a task and then completing that task.
%
The humane race is an endless number of monkeys, and
every day we produce an endless number of words.
And one of us has already written Hamlet.
%
I like to insert � and &acirc;&euro;&trade; when I submit online forms.
I just know some web developer will see it and think they have a bug.
%
Having co-workers is a lot like being in an arranged marriage.
%
There is a non-zero chance that we all died of Covid and this is hell.
%
You may hear birds singing in the morning.
Yeah, well... They don't have to go to work.
%
Every time I see someone write, "tho", I think, "ugh"...
%
I remember my first introduction to Roman Numerals.&ensp;VIVID!
%
I'm going to watch a TV documentary on perfume.
It's on Channel 5.&ensp;I hope it's not a stinker.
%
I gave my epileptic friend a bracelet that says, “Help! I'm not break dancing!”
%
My bank handed out free caps bearing their logo.
I now have a financial ad visor.
%
Nothing in the English language starts with the letter 'n' and ends with the letter 'g.'
%
I have one of the earliest self-driving cars.
It asks <i>me</i> for directions.
%
Just go with the flow, roll with the crunches,
and, when you get a prompt, type like hell.
%
My doctor wanted to know if I was sure I had an ear problem.
Yes!&ensp;I'm definite.
%
I blacked out for 20 minutes this morning.
Then I realized I'd put my hoodie on backwards.
%
Of course I was listening to whatever it was that she said.
%
I've created a self-help guide for those addicted to smartphones.
It's available on my blog, and as an e-book, a PDF download, or a podcast.
%
My brother-in-law's TV viewing habit is simple.
It has to involve at least two people and a ball.
%
Of course I care what's on my wife's mind.
I just don't wanna ask and run the risk of her <i>actually</i> telling me.
%
My son informs me he's not afraid of the dark.
No. He's afraid of <i>what's in</i> the dark.
%
My wife frequently makes her favorite for dinner.&ensp;Reservations.
%
I'm about to make a life-changing decision.
Just got a 'Friend' request from my boss.
%
I just saw my wife's driver license. That's her eye color. That's her age.
and, ... &emsp;<b>150 pounds ??</b>&ensp;that's her imagination.
%
My wonderful wife <i>does</i> forgive and forget.
She's just wants me to not forget that she forgives and forgets.
%
"I am" is the shortest sentence in the English language.
Yes, but "I do" is the longest sentence...
%
I once was cautiously optimistic.
Now I'm just recklessly gloomy.
%
I want to re-marry my ex-husband.
He looks way too happy, and I can't tolerate it!
%
We had a remote for the TV when I was growing up.&emsp;Me.
%
My financial advisor is 100% accurate about 50% of the time.
%
My dog was with me at a baseball game and caught a home run ball.
I know.&ensp;It seems far-fetched.
%
It's kinky if you use a feather; perverted if you use the whole chicken.
%
Stonehenge is a classic British rock group.
%
I brought my 'A Game' to the bar.
She brought pepper spray.
%
My horse would never be a good dancer.
He's got two left feet.
%
Nothing says "No!" quite like pepper spray.
%
There are 5 stages of grief: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance.
That's pretty much also the 5 stages of waking up every morning.
%
There's a procedure for when I prepare "Chef's Surprise".
I remove all the labels from the cans in my pantry.
%
I can admit when I'm wrong, but it never happens.
%
I have few failings.
But I try to make the most of them.
%
I go to the grocery once a week and get an ear worm.
%
Then there was Pavlov's failure with his cat.
%
Philosophy made me question religion. Cable news made me question politics.
And now I'm questioning "Happy Hour".
%
My brother-in-law was so sure that wasp nest was a piñata.
%
A thief broke into my garage and stole my Limbo pole.
Seriously, how low can you go?
%
There's nothing so permanent as a temporary solution.
%
Today I'm choosing kindness but we'll see... It's still early.
%
I having one more beer with my buddies.
If I'm not home in 20 minutes, read this again.
%
Origami Man is very weak but his power is in creasing.
%
Live, laugh, lower your expectations.
%
Mountains are big because they have no natural predators.
%
I hate being asked, "Do you want the good news or the bad news first?"
Damn! Nothing is worse than find out I have a decision to make.
%
My friend named his dog "Hamlet".
Yup...&ensp;He's a Great Dane.
%
I enjoy entering pointless and stupid internet discourses.
Like, for instance, how many holes are there in a straw?
%
My bowling team has unionized. They're striking.
%
The Supreme Court is just a regular court with sour cream &amp; diced tomatoes.
%
Some idiot at the school board meeting had an AK-47 as his ringtone.
%
The Dean of the Clown College retired. He left Big Shoes to fill.
%
Amish sports drinks don't contain electrolytes.
%
Success is something I will dress for when I get there, and not until.
%
Ninety percent of baseball is half mental.
-- Yogi Berra
%
Every time someone asks me what I'm doing tomorrow,
I think, "Bold off them to assume I know anything about today!"
%
Just pretend I'm not here.
That's what I'm doing.
%
I like to blame my weight gain on technology.
My mouth had a broadband connection to the nutrition superhighway.
%
After MASH ended, Radar O'Reilly worked in a dental office.
He would shout <b>"choppers!"</b> just before patients arrived.
%
The lunch room staff doesn't use the word 'leftovers'.
They prefer to use "Yesterday -- the sequel".
%
I read a scary article on the dangers of sugar and fat.
So, that's it for me.&ensp;No more reading!
%
At my age, I'm not sure if it's the floorboards creaking ---&nbsp;or me.
%
The Doctor had me cut down on salt &amp; sweets; then give up beer &amp; fatty foods.
Now she looking for anything else I enjoy.
%
The World's Nail Biting Championship was -- well -- a real nail biter.
%
It's like drinking from a fire hose with the current government.
--- while they try to make us swallow <i>one more thing</i>.
%
I wonder how much longer I must watch the Workout Channel to see results?
%
I avoid things that make me look fat --- like mirrors.
%
Our bodies store fat so we can survive when the supermarkets are closed.
%
At least a bachelor need not worry about snoring.
%
My wife, "Did you hear one single thing I just said?!"
<font color="gray">Do I pretend I was listening, Or tell the truth?</font>
%
I moved our router to the horse barn.
We now have a stable WiFi.
%
Beethoven was so confident in his ability that he never listened to his critics.
%
Fax Vobiscum
%
A blonde found a large envelope on her porch marked, "Do Not Bend".
She's at a loss how to pick it up.
%
It is best to confuse only one issue at a time.
%
It's probably my OCD.
I really want to see punctuation in my alphabet soup.
%
This screen intentionally left blank.
%
I thought about hiring a dog walker.
But, I worry about being judged as a dog parent.
%
I have a standing order for my coffin at IKEA.
It's going to take months to bury me.
%
One of our wedding gifts was a 50-piece dinner set.
Toothpicks.
%
I did seize the day, but then it wiggled out of my grip.
%
&emsp;"You have reached Human Resources. No humans are here right now."
&emsp;"To leave a message, Press 1..."
%
I adopted a Chia pet, but it didn't get along with my pet rock.
So, I had to return it to the shelter.
%
I took a quiz to find my Spirit Animal.
Mine is extinct.
%
The ones that miss the craters are meteor-wrongs.
%
My biggest fear is that someday my child will be a famous artist,
and I will have thrown away a gazillion dollars of her work.
%
"What goes around, comes around."
Just not my old belts...
%
I told the waiter that the soup tastes funny.
It's supposed to. The chef uses laughing stock.
%
Just got back home from the emergency room.
Tried to hold a revolving door for a cute blonde.
%
I usually take children's aspirin.
After all, they were the cause.
%
New book on anger management: "Mind Over Madder"
%
One good turn gets most of the blankets.
%
My girlfriend does not trust me.
Juts one more thing she has in common with my wife.
%
Losing people in my life really hurts.
Perhaps being a trail guide isn't for me.
%
I have a condition that keeps me from losing weight.
It's called hunger.
%
Leap Day and the Presidential Election come once every 4 years.
But the election only <i>seems</i> to make the year longer.
%
I went to my doctor about athlete's foot.
She said I don't have athlete's <i>anything</i>.
%
My son is obsessed with wood carving.
I think he has a whittle problem!
%
It's not the speed of life that bothers me.
No. It's the sudden stop at the end,
%
The judge called it a life sentence.
I'll try to think of it as a retirement plan.
%
Aspirin is good for the heart.
If dissolved on the tongue, it ruins the taste of pizza.
%
My husband and the neighbor went fishing.
That means meatloaf for dinner!
%
I like imported cheese.
My wife seems to like <i>de</i>ported cheese.
%
I just tried on all my summer clothes in preparation.
The only ones that fit are my flip-flops.
%
I always set aside some quiet time for me on Easter.
I hide 24 eggs, and tell the kids there are 30.
%
If you're lost in the woods, find a possum and follow it.
You'll be in the middle of the road in no time.
%
Pavlov's hair was so soft because he conditioned it.
%
I asked my aunt's therapy dog if he was taking on new clients.
%
"...  Yes, that's correct.&ensp;And the horse you rode in on!"
%
Someday you'll find someone obsessed with you and wants all your time.
That person will be your manager at work.
%
I have a Pet Rock.&ensp;I named it Dwayne Johnson.
%
I was uncomfortable at the sunrise funeral.
I'm just not a mourning person.
%
There's a distinct difference between a pickpocket and a CEO.
The pickpocket doesn't play golf with the Senator.
%
I'm really, really bored.
I think I'll go out and make some poor choices.
%
My brother-in-law needs to learn how to laugh at himself.
I can't do it all.
%
A child is a person who can't understand why
someone would give away a perfectly good kitten.
%
The meat is rotten, but the booze is holding out.
AI rendering of "The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak."
%
If you're going to reinvent the wheel again,
you might as well try making it round this time.
%
The opulence of the lobby varies inversely with the solvency of the firm.
%
"Where's your husband?"&ensp;'In the garden.'
"I didn't see him."&emsp;'You need to dig a little.'
%
I keep receiving flowers with the tops cut off.
I think I'm being stalked.
%
Romans had classifications for poisons. Poison I &amp; II will kill you.
Poison III will make you very sick.&ensp;Poison IV causes an itchy rash.
%
My brother-in-law is so tight his pants pockets have combination zippers.
%
Why should I bother doing any Spring Cleaning?
A year from now I'll just have to do it all over again.
%
They say that with age comes experience.
I just don't like what I'm experiencing.
%
There's a First Step in most of my wife's recipes.
Cover the smoke alarm.
%
My girlfriend recently dumped me.
She didn't think I would ever go viral.
%
The ballet was the longest night of my life.
Every half-hour I checked the time and another 5 minutes had passed.
%
If you don't have anything nice to say, you say it on social media.
%
I wonder if a person born by artificial insemination checks the Robot Box?
%
All my projects seem to require multiple trips to the hardware store.
And at least one trip to Urgent Care.
%
I complained about my dandruff to my barber.
But he just brushed it off.
%
I hate this diet.
Eating celery is a waste of chewing.
%
Everyone wonders why I didn't see the red flags.
I thought it was a carnival.
%
I do my best thinking in the morning.
And I'm thinking of going back to bed.
%
I bought a used couch at the thrift store.
Found 4 TV remote controls.
%
Now that my son is taking his first class in history,
he's telling me I'm on the wrong side of it.
%
I wonder if colorblind people read "Colorado" as just "ado".
%
I'm the kind of friend who will help you hide a dead body.
But if you betray me, remember: I know how to hide a dead body.
%
At my age, I don't like folks texting me abbreviations.
For example, I read "GM".&ensp;Well, General Motors to you, too.
%
Getting old is weird.
You're still that enthusiastic kid, but trapped in an antique body.
%
Please be patient with me.
I'm from the 1900s.
%
"There Are No Stupid Questions"
Challenge accepted.
%
Sorry I did mot reply to your email.
I tried to figure out how a normal person would and then just gave up.
%
Must of my exercise these days comes from shaking my head in disbelief.
%
It's called karma, and it's pronounced "Ha! Ha! Ha!"
%
With  age comes wisdom.
So, those aren't wrinkles; they're wise cracks.
%
I enjoy putting on warm underwear fresh from the dryer.
Plus, it's fun to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
%
I hope someday to be so rich that I don't have to pay taxes.
%
Oh, that gap in my resume?&ensp;I was living in a gated community.
I'd still be there if it wasn't for good behavior.
%
I should worry about my mother-in-law's health.
Because <i>she's</i> stopped complaining about it.
%
My brother, the professional assassin, stopped in to say, "Hi!"
He was in town and had a couple of hours to kill.
%
I asked my boss if I could come in late today.
He said, "Dream on!"&ensp;That was really nice of him.&ensp;Zzzzz...
%
I'm not really either politically left or right.
Let's just leave it at off-center.
%
9 out of 10 men are shocked to learn that they shouldn't do their own electrical work.
%
Pondering: The point of golf is to play <i>less</i> golf.
%
I look at my wife and think,
"Damn! She's a lucky woman!"
%
I had a heart-to-heart meeting with my ex-wife's lawyer.
We were one heart short.
%
I cannot fault my wife's choices.
After all, I'm one of'em.
%
I'm a bad influence, but we'll have a lot of fun!
%
My wife says I can be an idiot sometimes.
It's nice to have her permission.
%
Roses are red, violets are&nbsp;blue.
Some poems rhyme but this one doesn't.
%
The ad said, "Accountant needed, $55,000 - $60,000. Call 1-605-475-6964.
I called and said, "You don't need an accountant. The answer is minus $5,000."
%
My life is so boring.
I hope when I die that somebody else's life flashes before my eyes.
%
Why do they ask me to "Press 1 For English",
and then connect me to someone who can't speak it?
%
We were quite poor when I was a kid.
Each year we would color Easter rocks.
%
In the end, you're just a number.
And, then one day. your number is up.
%
There are 50 choices for Miss America, but only 2 for the president of America.
%
Rabbits have such smooth fur because of their hare spray.
%
Before ball parks were invented, there was no way to give rough estimates.
%
Your future doctor is using AI to get through med school,
so you'd better start eating healthy.
%
My wife's dream had always been to get married in a castle.
But nobody seemed to enjoy all that bouncing around.
%
The first thing about the Dunning-Kruger Club is
that you don't know you're in the Dunning-Kruger Club.
%
Before cell phones, what did people look at while driving?
%
I wish I had enough money to prove it doesn't make me happy.
%
You would think that I've seen it all by now.
Well, yes. But I'm so old I've forgotten most of it.
%
I never eat at the breakfast buffet.
At that time of day, food should come to <i>me.</i>
%
I tried out for the Barbershop Quartet all-star team.
I did not make the cut.
%
I just learned about observation bias.
Now I'm seeing it everywhere.
%
Always try to do things in chronological order. It's less confusing that way.
%
Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
%
I wondered why no one was making a fool of me anymore.
Seems I've started doing it all by myself...
%
None of my photographs are turning out good.
I probably should join a focus group.
%
They say life is a highway.
If so, I'm out of gas.
%
Some days, you're the pigeon.&ensp;Some days, you're the statue.
%
I'm so old, I can remember when weather was just small talk.
%
Being retired is great.&ensp;I get to do nothing all day,
and I don't have to go to the office to do it.
%
There will  be a costume party at our nursing home.
Attendees are asked to <i>not</i> dress as the Grim Reaper.
%
I just got a "Get Well Soon" card from the young man I was teaching to drive.
%
I was going to clean house.
But, this book isn't going to read itself!
%
History says Benjamin Franklin discovered electricity -- which was shocking.
%
My ex-husband ends up out of breath with a pounding heart whenever we see each other.
I make sure my Taser is always charged.
%
Every time I meet my ex-wife, I end up crying.
Eventually she has to run out of pepper spray.
%
I often bring flowers to a lovely young lady.
After which I get back into the florist's delivery van.
%
I'm buying jeans that fit me me now-a-days.
I've given up on my dream waistline.
%
I should've walked out of that movie.
But I still had popcorn left.
%
I finished the crossword, the Sudoku, and the Wordle.
It's gets slow around here when the boss plays golf.
%
For me, the good news is that the bad news could be worse,
%
The chicken is the only animal that we eat before it's born &amp. after it's dead.
%
I think I'm doing a good job.
The boss hasn't yelled at me at all today.
%
My date did not go well last night.
Her guide dog went for my throat.
%
I'm looking for the Rx side effects that include
hiking, swimming, &amp; dancing --- like in the TV ads.
%
Lotteries are a tax for people bad at math.
Handicap-parking fines are are a tax for people bad at reading.
%
I realized it was self-defeating to measure myself against the success of others.
I'm happier leaving that vain striving to people that actually accomplish things.
%
I ate at The Lazy Cow Cafe.
I had the meatloaf.
%
My college professor liked to include True/False/Half-Truth exam questions.
%
Never discuss eternity with a philosopher.
You will never hear the end of it.
%
I think of my self as good-natured, despite the lack of evidence.
%
When asked how I spell "Feng Shui", I said, "Incorrectly."
%
My ability to remember things is fast fading.
Except at bedtime. Then I remember <u>everything.</u>
%
Everything has probably gotten too casual over the years.
At today's funeral, the only one dressed properly was the decedent.
%
I'm seeing my therapist for deep uncertainty.
She is not sure she can help me.
%
Since we don't have WiFi, my wife only has wireless bras.
%
I'm diagonally parked ... in a parallel universe.
%
The inventor of the trash compactor retired rich.
The guy crushed it!
%
I really enjoy pun jokes. They are so rewording.
%
Yes. I told my wife she looks like a 25-year-old woman...
<font size="2">...who has lead a hard life.</font>
%
Diet pizza is the same as regular pizza.
You just have it delivered to the wrong address,
%
I posted a picture of myself with my dinner on social media.
I got a <i>friend request</i> from Weight Watchers.
%
I tried making a carpentry pun ... but nothing woodwork.
%
Ever notice how most every comic shouts at us.
Sure. <font face="Comic Sans MS , cursive">THEY USE NOTHING BUT ALL CAPS!</font>
%
I'm getting tired of all the four-letter words my family hurls at me.
Cook! Dust! Iron! Wash! Mend! ...and the worst: Diet!
%
Statistics show that by age 70, there are more women than men.
Somebody else must have my share.
%
For women, Valentine's Day is another Christmas.
For men, it's one more performance review.
%
I guess I should be concerned.
The guy that delivered our pizza is our financial planner.
%
Cemetery headstones are participation trophies.
%
There's a fine line between&ensp;hyphenated&ensp;words.
%
9 out of 10 doctors think that 1 doctor is being contrary to get attention.
%
A baby seal walks into a bar. Bartender asks what it'll have.
"Anything but Canadian Club on the rocks."
%
I used to be a narrator for bad mimes.
%
How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
%
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
%
Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
%
"Do you sleep well?"&ensp;"No, I've made a couple of mistakes."
%
Is "tired old cliche" one?
%
"All in favor, say aye.&emsp;All opposed, consider new career options."
%
Bad New: I have a really gnarly festering rash.
Good News: It's on the other side of my skin.
%
I HAVE GONE&ensp;[ 0 ]&ensp;DAYS WITHOUT BEING ANNOYED BY ANYONE
THE PREVIOUS RECORD WAS&ensp;[ 1 ]&ensp;DAYS
DO YOUR PART TO HELP ME SET A NEW RECORD
%
We'll, we'll, we'll, if it isn't AutoCorrect again...
%
The inmates sang to our ex-governor as he was incarcerated..
<font size=5>&sung;&sung;</font> For He's A Jolly Good Felon <font size=5>&sung;&sung;</font>
%
My doctor told me I have a lot of things going for me.
My eyes are going, my knees are going, my back is going......
%
At my age I usually wake up five times during the night.
Twice for the bathroom, and 3 times to see if I'm still breathing.
%
Sigh... I overslept again.
My biological clock is one of the little cheap ones.
%
Video games can help you lose weight.
Play until your thumbs are too numb to hold a fork.
%
I have one toothpaste that kills germs and combats bad breath.
I have another that fights cavities. Oral hygiene has become combative.
%
My wife and I never have awkward silences. We have a TV.
%
The local music store is giving air guitar lessons.
%
It was love at first sight.
I should have looked twice.
%
Did you ever notice that there are no recipes for leftover chocolate?
%
I don't let my age define me, but the side effects are getting hard to ignore.
%
I hired a proof reader for my website.
I think he's well worth the monkey.
%
I'm not a perfectionist. My parents were though.
%
I've been to the dentist several times. I know the drill.
%
What kind of eggs do I prefer for breakfast?&ensp;Cadbury.
%
If you have a red wine stain on your carpet,
get some white wine and drink it until you don't care anymore.
%
I hated playing the triangle in the school band.
It was just one ting after another.
%
I'm never quite sure if I actually have free time or if I'm just forgetting something.
%
People are prisoners to their phones.
That's why they're called cell phones.
%
"It's a page turner!"&emsp;"Yeah, I know how books work."
%
Everything happens for a reason -- and usually the reason is some idiot.
%
If you're thinking what I'm thinking --- you need professional help.
%
I couldn't afford a DNA kit.
So I announced that I won the lottery and found out who my relatives are.
%
When I said I was normal I may have exaggerated slightly.
%
I don't always hear how my family is doing, but when I do it's usually on a police scanner.
%
If you don't use fast food napkins as Kleenex in your car,
we must be in a totally different tax brackets.
%
Lying about my age is easier now that I have trouble remembering what it is.
%
Always love a woman for her personality.
They usually have something like ten, so you can choose.
%
You can't make a man treat you right, but you can make him wish he did.
%
I won an award for laziness, could you pick it up for me?
%
Why do socks and underwear come in resealable bags, but potato chips don't?
%
According to this pizza box, I'm a family of four.
%
I'm no stranger to hard work. I've seen it done.
%
The blond wondered why her brother had four sisters
and she only had three.
%
I feel much more attractive at WalMart than I do at the gym.
%
How does a lawyer sleep?
First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other side.
%
Just for fun, I call in sick to places I don't even work at.
%
I'm having an out-of-money experience.
%
My financial status? I just rinsed off a paper plate.
%
I'm not bald, but I can now get a haircut over the phone.
%
They say wisdom comes with age.
Therefore, I don't have wrinkles, I have wisecracks.
%
Do you suffer from shyness? Do you wish you were more assertive?
Ask your doctor about Tequila.
%
I ran into my ex the other day.
I could have sworn that light was green.
%
Remember: There is no "I" in Misinformation.
%
I ordered some German food over the internet.
The sauerkraut has arrived, but the wurst is yet to come.
%
I'm going to open a restaurant called Peace And Quiet.
The kids meals will be $250.00 each.
%
I'm in therapy to learn how to deal with people who should be in therapy.
%
When my girlfriend got pregnant, everything changed.
My name, my address, my phone number...
%
If something good is in store for me, where exactly is this store?
%
Why do Americans choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss America?
%
Fool me once,&nbsp;shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me over and over again, you're the weather man.
%
My favorite childhood memory is having energy.
%
The best way to win an argument is to have a vagina.
%
Some days the best thing about my job is the chair spins.
%
On average, I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
%
I hate it when I go out in public and the public is there.
%
I never realized how funny I am until I started talking to myself.
%
I saw a bumper sticker, "I'm a veterinarian, so I drive like an animal."
I suddenly realized how many proctologists there are on the road.
%
Drinking at home instead of a bar isn't working out.
I almost asked my wife for her phone number.
%
My mom would yell at us so loud that
even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
%
Exercise makes you look better naked. So does alcohol... Your choice.
%
I don't hold grudges. I remember facts.
%
When you bury a body, cover it with endangered plants so it's illegal to dig it up.
%
People who shoplift dictionaries have got a way with words.
%
I'm a professional forger, and I have the documents to prove it.
%
A quiet man is a thinking man. A quite woman is usually mad.
%
I considered buying an electric car, but I don't have a current license.
%
The price of gas has everyone driving like they're on probation.
%
I just read about a guy that was killed by a shark while on his honeymoon.
He didn't suffer long. He was only married for ten days.
%
I let my blind friend borrow money the other day.
He said he'd pay me back the next time he saw me.
%
My wife said she had blisters on her hands from the broom.
I told her to use the car next time.
%
I accidentally put Viagra in my ear. I'm hard of hearing now.
%
I'm making a documentary series on how to fly a plane.
We're currently filming the pilot.
%
I don't know where you got your information, but I hope you kept the receipt.
%
Just because your son plays with dolls does not mean he's gay.
You used to play Monopoly and you don't own any property.
%
You haven't had enough coffee until you can thread a sewing machine while it's running.
%
By the time someone says something in a meeting that's worth writing down,
I've already taken my pen apart and lost the spring.
%
My mother-in-law puts the "lies" in "families".
%
My kids wanted to know what it was like being a mom.
So I woke them up at two AM to let them know my sock came off.
%
Some of my friends exercise every day.
Meanwhile, I'm watching a TV show I don't like because the remote fell on the floor.
%
Today I went into the bathroom without my cell phone, just like my ancestors used to do.
%
I'm at the point in my life where the most exciting text I get is
"Your prescription is ready to pick up."
%
My friend is great at selling home security systems.
If no one is home, he leaves a brochure on the kitchen table.
%
95% of all electric vehicles are still on the road today.
The other 5% did make it all the way home.
%
I could be a morning person if morning started around noon.
%
Don't trust children. They're here to replace us.
%
I wonder what Facebook employees do to waste time at work.
%
From a procrastination standpoint, today has been very successful.
%
I meant to behave, but there were too many options.
%
Isn't it weird that you have to show your driver's license
to buy stuff that impairs your ability to drive?
%
Did you know that a candle's flame smells like burnt nose hair?
%
How come a know-it-all doesn't know how annoying they are?
%
Some little brat at Home Depot called me an old fart.
So, if you're missing your kid, he's in the red LG dryer in aisle 17.
%
I can never figure out how to change the clock in my car.
So, I bought another one and drive them for six months each.
%
With my luck, I'd be running from the police and my Sketchers would light up.
%
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit that his wife is wrong.
%
I spend a lot of my life realizing that I should have shut up ten minutes ago.
%
I don't walk away to teach people a lesson.
I walk away because I finally learned mine.
%
You can tell a lot about a woman by the way she pours gasoline around your car.
%
The me that buys the groceries and
the me that has to cook are two entirely different people.
%
I don't treat people badly, I treat them accordingly.
%
Have you even noticed how many towns are named after their water tower?
%
People call me skeptical. I'm not sure I believe that.
%
I have removed all of the bad food from my house.
It was delicious.
%
I just found twenty dollars in the pocket of an old pair of jeans.
I wonder what else is in this guy's locker?
%
No matter how bad your day seems, perk up.
Someone out there has to clean the bathrooms at Taco Bell.
%
Never trust anyone who can spell gonorrhea correctly on the first try.
%
Alcohol is the liquid version of Photoshop.
%
Someone told me I look good with a salt &amp; pepper beard.
I took that as a condiment.
%
I've reached the age where I can't function without out glasses.
Especially if they're empty.
%
I wish I was as fat as the <i>first</i> time I thought I was fat.
%
You don't realize how many people you dislike until you have to name a baby.
%
My wife and I make a perfect pair.
I'm a hypochondriac and she's a pill.
%
Never discuss infinity with a mathematician.
You'll never hear the end of it.
%
I'm holding a cup of coffee. So yeah, I'm pretty busy.
%
I don't want to party like it's 1999, I want to go shopping like it's 1999.
%
I'm not sure I like my new blender.
I keep getting mixed results.
%
A retired husband is a wife's full-time job.
%
I was once told to go for broke,
I'm happy to report that I've succeeded.
%
Out of all the martial arts, Karaoke inflicts the most pain.
%
I went to a seance last night.
I don't know what possessed me.
%
Boomerangs and attention deficit disorder do not mix.
%
Why does the radio stop to tell you that they play non-stop music?
%
Nothing embarrasses psychics more than throwing them a surprise party.
%
I've had amnesia for as long as I can remember.
%
I just got my first date of the year lined up.
It's a court date, but hey, it's a date and I'm dressing up.
%
I found a 10-year old jar of anti-aging cream.
It doesn't look any different.
%
I saw a social media post that said, "Lonely man seeks wife."
He got 250 replies saying, "You can have mine."
%
Head lice is now resistant to the usual medical treatments.
The problem has scientists scratching their heads.
%
There is always enough asphalt to build speed bumps,
but not enough to fill pot holes.
%
The improper fraction help desk is now open 24/7.
%
My mom was a radiologist and met my dad when he came in for an X-ray.
I don't know what she saw in him.
%
"When we go to Egypt, can we go on a camel?"
"Don't be silly. It would take us ages to get there."
%
I dropped a raisin on my keyboard.
No big deal... It's under Ctrl.
%
My doctor told me to stop eating chocolate, and it'll be a big change for me.
I've been with that doctor for over twenty years.
%
Curious... There is never a line for the bathrooms at the water park.
%
Solar power is the future, but it won't happen overnight.
%
I got home to find out that my kids had been on eBay all day.
If they're still there tomorrow, I'll lower the price.
%
My son was upset about his performance in a karate competition.
He was kicking himself.
%
If something gets stuck in my throat, I dislodge it with a cold beer.
It's called the Heineken Manoeuvre.
%
I used to be married, but I'm better now.
%
I saw an old man at the supermarket, collecting shopping carts.
He must have been pushing seventy.
%
Cinderella was bad at playing sports because her coach was a pumpkin.
%
<u>Every time</u> my dad would put the car in reverse,
"Ahhh! This takes me back."
%
Those who do not learn from history are doomed to repeat it."
No kidding! I had to repeat history three times in high school.
%
If you can't say anything nice about a person,
it doesn't mean they're a bad person.
%
My son's potty training seems to have been inspired by the sprinkler system.
%
I needed a fake ID to buy some alcohol-free beer.
%
I enjoy reading "The Canterbury Tales" while drinking coffee.
I love my cup and Chaucer.
%
I feel like a million dollars.&emsp;All green and wrinkled
%
Don't hate yourself in the morning  -- sleep till noon.
%
I either need more energy --- or less ambition.
%
Don't read everything you believe.
%
If you're gonna sow your wild oats, hope for a crop failure.
%
I believe my boss climbed the corporate ladder, wrong by wrong.
%
Wash. D.C. has the most lawyers and New Jersey has the most toxic waste dumps.
Why?&ensp;New Jersey had first choice.
%
Your lucky number is 3552664958674928.  Watch for it everywhere!
%
My wife tells me she needs more space.
So, I ordered an external disk drive.
%
A Squabble: The collective noun for a group of politicians.
%
My senator is really not looking so good.
But his spin doctor says he's in good shape.
%
My bloodhound is a big disappointment.
He faints at the sight of blood.
%
They're thinking of stopping production of the 1-cent coin.
It's just one more way to make us penniless.
%
I am <r>really</i> bad at remembering names.
So I simply avoid anyone who might have one.
%
One of the fish in my Koi Pond died.
The rest of'em are holding an open can funeral.
%
My wife is trying a new recipe -- which I will not like.
I have a gut feeling.
%
The grocery store has just one cashier.
I'm now experiencing "Aisle Rage".
%
I was around for the sexual revolution.
I was confined to the barracks the whole time.
%
I told her I was single and available.
She told me that she wanted to keep it that way.
%
My mother-in-law sure puts the "din" in "dinner"!
%
Doing the same thing over &amp; over again and expecting different results is called insanity.
What, then, is the definition of "practice"?
%
My chess set was missing some minor pieces.
I found replacements at a pawn shop.
%
One day you'll probably find someone that's obsessed with you.
It'll probably be a dog, but it is what it is.
%
My goal is to be more assertive -- if that's OK with all of you?
%
I can remember when these prices were only seen inside an airport.
%
It's called the Food Pyramid which implies it has 2 or 3 other sides.
So maybe these Oreos are OK.
%
I know maybe two or three Motown puns.
Four&ensp;tops...
%
Everyone around here is so tired on April 1.
We've all just completed a 31-day march!
%
I like how, on April 2, everything on the internet is true again.
%
Defibrillators rarely fail.
But, when they do, no one is shocked.
%
I identify as a threat.
My pronouns are <b>try/me</b>
%
Sports Headline: Special Olympics Batting Tee Pitches Perfect Game
%
I read about a walnut-pistachio-almond diet.
That's just nuts.
%
I ordered a dozen bees and they sent 13.
When contacted, they said, "It's a free bee!"
%
I fell for the hard sell on a hammock.
sigh... I'm easily swayed.
%
My Iranian co-worker has been absent for a week.
I reported a missing Persian.
%
My company has a great bereavement policy.
If you die, you get that day off.
%
If at first you don't succeed, you are running about average.
%
I'm uncertain about the difference between indecision and procrastination.
I'll have to get back to you on that.
%
I really need to  make a to-do list for all the things I have to do.
In fact, making a to-do list is at the top.
%
I'm not as big a fool as many folks think.
I still have a vast, untapped mass of foolishness.
%
I'm <u>so</u> lazy! I have a stone in my shoe.
But, it can wait until undressing at bedtime.
%
The Vikings would send secret messages using Norse code.
%
The phrase is "Talk is cheap".
That's because supply exceeds demand.
%
Sloth isn't such a bad sin.
It keeps you from committing the other six.
%
This is an unauthorized cybernetic announcement.
%
I've been arguing with myself all morning.
I think that's enough socialization for the day.
%
I've done a few bad things in my life, but it's been a good life.
Quite a few of those bad things are what made it so good.
%
It is better to be silent and be thought a fool,
than to post about it and remove all doubt, for all time.
%
You ask me what's the stupidest thing I've ever done?
You're awfully bold to think I've peaked.
%
A colon can completely change the meaning of a sentence, For example:
&nbsp;- Jane toasted her bread.
&nbsp;- Jane toasted her colon.
%
Half of adulting is trying not to cry.
The other half is crying.
%
I read that being a woman means whispering WTF to yourself daily.
First of all, I didn't know we were supposed to <i>whisper</i> it.
%
Remember; the only things standing between you and your dreams
is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
%
I'm built different,
but not in a good way.
%
Why is "backyard" one word, and "front yard" two?
%
Well, I guess that was one way to do it.
They threw me a surprise going-away party.
%
It is so exasperating to stand behind some who views
ordering coffee as some form of recreational activity.
%
There are two deeply impactful days in your life.
There is the day you were born, and the day you learn why.
%
How much should you spend on a bottle of wine?
Would half an hour be about right?
%
I'm going to stop being self aware.
What I do is none of my business.
%
I have no pronouns.
Do not refer to me.
%
Roosters wake up and scream&emsp;because they know.
%
My son is asking me if I can answer dating questions.
I'm an expert on first dates. No so much about second dates.
%
The puffiness under my eyes goes all the way to my ankles.
%
There was a young man
From Cork who got limericks
And Haikus confused.
%
If my calculations are accurate, I have no money.
%
I am trying to follow my dreams.
Except that one where I'm naked on a downtown street.
%
I'm fascinated by cheese puns.
I'm some sort of muenster.
%
Today my horoscope read, "Eat more cheese."
I'm convinced astrology is science based.
%
Malicious compliance is the best compliance.
%
My co-worker annoys me with bird puns.
But toucan play at that game.
%
Hold music distracts you from the fact that time is flying by with nothing happening.
You should now look at folks with earbuds or earphone a whole new way.
%
We can defeat gravity.
The problem is the paperwork involved.
%
Today I learned I should never mention her gray hair.
Especially since I caused most of it.
%
Will the information superhighway ever have any rest stops?
%
How come DMV employees treat you like it's your fault they work there?
%
A phlebotomist does their work in vein.
%
"Rise and Shine!"&ensp; HA!!
I just caffeinate and then hope for the best.
%
My ultimate fantasy is having a brain that lets me enjoy being alive.
%
It's hard being a teenager in your 40s.
%
When your wife starts a sentence with "When you get a chance..."
start putting your shoes on. She means <b>now</b>.
%
Seems the only function of my middle name was to assess how much trouble I was in.
%
The difference between in-laws and outlaws is you can shoot outlaws.
%
I mistakenly used dog shampoo this morning.
I'm feeling like such a good boy.
%
I bought some coconut shampoo the other day.
When I got home, I realized I don't even have a coconut!
%
The best trick to not cry when cutting an onion is to never give it a name.
%
The gap in my resume was because I pulled a groin muscle.
Though, it wasn't mine.
%
At one point today I was all caught up!
The best 3 seconds ever!!
%
I think I have the highest IQ ever recorded.
The testing website returned a "404".
%
I just got all my day's steps in --
while avoiding someone at Walmart.
%
It must've made my trip to Venice in their rainy season.
When I arrived, I got there  all the street were flooded!
%
Wouldn't it be ironic to die in your living room?
%
Always remember, it's better to forgive and&ensp;...&ensp;er...
%
The boss said he would now supervise my every move.
I'm now too frightened <i>to</i> move!
%
I was born to be wild!!!
But now-a-days, only until about 8 PM....
%
Honest!! I can explain!
I was making breakfast and the toaster startled me.
%
There's been a rash of dropouts at the High School lately.
No, not students --- teachers!
%
The job application was easy to fill out.
"Spotty" fits both "Employment History" &amp; "Distinguishing Physical Characteristics".
%
Never understood the fascination people have with ancestry.
Isn't knowing your current family bad enough?
%
I apologize for acting crazy back there.
But, it will happen again though.
%
They're looking for someone responsible; so I'm a shoe-in!
In the screw ups at my last job, they all said I was responsible.
%
These are not red flags.
They're fun facts about me.
%
Seven days without a pun makes one weak.
%
I never look for trouble.
But, trouble will often look for me.
%
I was taught from a young age to always respect my elders.
What do I do now that I've run out of them?
%
My IQ is 97, but that's in metric.
%
My IQ test results came back. Thankfully, they're negative.
%
The older I get, the more I understand why roosters start the day screaming.
%
My cat swallowed a ball of yarn.
Several weeks later she had mittens.
%
It's the third week now that I was the only book club member who read the book.
I'm beginning to believe the rest of them just meet to drink wine.
%
Think twice?!?!&ensp;Hell, I don't even think once!
%
Winning&nbsp;isn't everything.
Today I got to hit the golf ball more than anyone else.
%
My girlfriend and her friends make fun of my colorblindness.
That is a huge grey flag for me!
%
Not all who wander are lost.
Some are just bad golfers.
%
If I have any money left at the end of the month,
it's because I forgot to pay a bill.
%
A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any other invention,
with the possible exceptions of handguns and Tequila.
-- Mitch Ratcliffe
%
If my vacuum cleaner had a wine glass holder,
I might actually use it now and then.
%
My wife and I got divorced when we were in our 90s.
We wanted to wait until the children died.
%
The loss of fact-checking has opened up
a brand new lane on the misinformation superhighway.
%
I've broken a few hearts in my life.
Like my ex-wives' parents.
%
A boat is a hole in the water -- lined with wood -- that you toss money into.
%
Comcast interviewer, "Tell me why you want to work at Comcast."
Applicant, "Please hold!"
%
I'm finally old enough to do anything I want.
But I'm too tired to actually do it.
%
There are times when I could've used thought-canceling headphones.
%
I was asked if I had plans for the fall.
"Autumn or the collapse of civilization?"
%
I wonder how many vampires have been run over
by people who back up just using their mirrors?
%
So, you think <i>you</i> want me to shut up?
I have to listen to myself even when I'm not talking!
%
The first grass cut of the year is always the hardest.
Which is why I always put it off until Labor Day.
%
Did you ever dropped a spare tire from a rental car on your foot?
Hertz doughnut?!
%
I'm planning a family reunion and sent out invitations.
So far, all I've received is a half-dozen restraining orders.
%
The current situation is feeling like an escape room with no solution.
%
I'm well into this new diet.
So far I've lost my sense of humor, my will to live, and my temper.
%
What makes my double vision worse is my fear of crowds.
%
My psychologist is <b>not</b> helping me with my procrastination.
So far she's rescheduled my appointment eleven times.
%
My inflatable house suffered a puncture.
Now I am living in a flat.
%
My wife suggested I write a book and work in all my awful puns.
Well, now, that's a novel idea.
%
How many Rio de Janeiro citizens does it take to change a light bulb?
A Brazilian.
%
I've learned that sign language is the least spoken language.
Maybe it's a sign of something.
%
I just finished reading a book about milk.
Well, actually, I just skimmed through it.
%
I look at a vegan's plate and think to myself,
“That's not food. That's the stuff food eats.”
%
My autistic friend is also a kleptomaniac.
He not only takes things literally, he takes things, literally.
%
I used to be young and clueless.
Now, many years later, I am no longer young.
%
I once dated a psychoanalyst.
She was the girl of my dream interpretations.
%
Our marriage counselor suggests we take up a sport together.
Like&ensp;fencing.
%
There's more to life than politics.
Yeah. There's TV News covering it.
%
I got up from watching TV to answer a text message on my phone in the kitchen.
[Since you're already up, can you bring me back a beer, please?]
%
"We don't care. We don't have to."
"We're the Utilities Company."
%
I know a pirate that, instead of a hook, opted for a cup holder.
%
The Marines are always looking for a few good men.
My sister-in-law would settle for just one.
%
Remember, it takes just one match to start a forest fire.
And, it takes a whole box to start a camp fire.
%
Just had my genealogy traced.
They were all released for good behavior.
%
Job interview, "What would you bring to the team?"
Me, "Probably donuts and sticky buns."
%
I didn't actually sell my last car.&ensp;I just forgot where I parked it.
%
I wonder if this is all happening because I opened that umbrella inside?
%
Lazy person fact:&ensp;38614972055
You were too lazy to read that number.
%
I want to be 16 again and destroy my life differently.
I have new ideas.
%
Due to personal reasons, I'm going to continue to compile these jokes
instead of seeking professional help.
%
I asked my kid what he learned in school today.
He said, "Apparently not enough, because I have to go back tomorrow."
%
My brother-in-law is constantly involved in minor car crashes.
I call him The Dentist.
%
I am often visited by The Bluebird Of Lowered Expectations.
%
It's not so much that I have a clear conscience.
It's just that I have a bad memory.
%
My mind logged out due to inactivity.
And now I can't remember my password!
%
Just for fun I like to drive the speed limit in the fast lane.
%
I'm so old I served in the browser wars.
%
I really enjoyed that book about The Beatles!
Yeah!&emsp;Yeah!&emsp;Yeah!
%
I've always been criticized -- right from the beginning.
They said I wasn't right for the part.
%
What is a 4 letter word with a small laugh in the middle.
It really is.
%
I just returned from Dubai where I was offered 40 camels for my wife.
Normally I smoke Lucky Strikes, but it was a Great Deal....
%
A King sleeps on a king mattress, and a Queen sleeps on a queen mattress,
The Prince sleeps on an heir mattress.
%
I dislike country music, but I don't mean to denigrate those who do.
For those of you who like country music, denigrate means 'put down'.
%
I received some very good training in watchmaking.
You might say I'm clockwise.
%
When the chicken crossed the road, it was poultry in motion.
%
It came down to a simple decision.
Do I want a tidy house, or do I want to know where everything is?
%
When someone shows you who they really are . . . believe them!!
%
The only person you can truly rely on is you.
What an absolute nightmare!!!
%
It's imperative that I keep going.
Failures don't make themselves.
%
3.14% of the population does not celebrate Pi Day.
They're just so irrational.
%
“What are you doing today?”&emsp;'Nothing.'
“You did that yesterday.”&emsp;'I wasn't finished.'
%
I'm retired.&ensp;I was tired yesterday and today I'm tired again.
%
The problem that we thought was a problem was, indeed, a problem,
but not the problem we thought was the problem.
%
As a child I never learned to spell -- hoping spellcheck would be invented.
Smartest think I hove even dun.
%
It usually turns out to be a do-it-<i>to</i>-yourself project.
%
The lid on my&ensp;<b>*%#@!$&amp;</b>&ensp;swear jar is too tight!!
%
WTF is a palindrome?&emsp;No it isn't!!
%
Would dime-sized hail be climate change?
%
Eggs and bacon:
A day's effort for the chicken. A lifetime commitment for the pig.
%
There's nothing wrong with me that Girl Scout Cookies,
a tattoo, and $1 million can't fix.
%
Stop blaming yourself and others.
Learn Feng Shui and blame the furniture.
%
The guy who won the lottery last month has died.
Lucky stiff.
%
The info material that came with my Viagra is a pop-up book.
%
I'm dating an anesthetist.
She's a local girl.&ensp;She's a real knockout.
%
I think it's time for me to join a nudist colony.
After all, I was born ready.
%
When hiring someone, randomly throw away half the applications.
After all, you wouldn't want to hire anyone who is unlucky.
%
What in the world is electricity?
And where does it go after it passes through the toaster?
-- Dave Barry
%
I wish I had the disposable income that the targeted advertising thinks I have.
%
Sure! I know the difference between Right &amp; Wrong.
And Wrong is the fun one!
%
My dad used to say to me “Pints, gallons, liters!”
Which spoke volumes to me.
%
My dad used to utter, "Miles, inches, light years!"
Oh, the lengths he'd go to for attention!
%
I need a GPS in the car to assist me in getting to stores.
But, I also need it to remind me why I was going there.
%
9-Track tapes had a side <b>A</b> &amp; side <b>B</b>.
So, the logical, alphabetical progression had to be <b>CD</b>.
%
"That's a terrible idea!&ensp;What&nbsp;time?"
%
They're excavating the largest ever dinosaur tibia.
I hear it's a real shindig.
%
I speak two languages fluently.
English and Sarcasm..
%
Some days I amaze myself.
Other days I put my phone in the fridge.
%
I stepped on a corn flake. Now I'm a cereal killer.
%
I have plans for my tombstone.
"If you can read this, you're standing on my boobs"
%
I have multiple personalities.
And <i>none</i> of them like what's going on.
%
I'm not shy. I just practice "selective participation".
%
I'm not anti-social. I'm socially selective.
%
I don't mind coming to work.
But waiting 8 hours to go home is the pits!
%
I made a huge To-Do list for today.
I just can't figure out who's gonna do it.
%
Slugs just be divorced snails.
"Yep. She got the house."
%
If we're not meant to have midnight snacks.
why is there a light in the fridge?
%
I just spent 15 minutes looking for my phone in the car,
while using my phone as a flashlight.
%
You can't make everyone happy.
You aren't a jar of Nutella.
%
A skinny girl told me that she "forgets" to eat.
Is that possible? I licked her face in case it's contagious.
%
If it isn't broke, I can fix it until it is.
%
I start out each day with high hopes.
Then idiots happen.
%
Sometimes when I'm holding a stick, everybody looks like a pinata.
%
I'm glad that thoughts don't appear in bubbles over our heads.
%
I never run with scissors.
Those last 2 words were unnecessary.
%
Taco Emergency
Call 9 Juan Juan
%
My eyes are in fantastic condition.
I do at least 900 eyerolls a day.
%
From now on it'll be, "Have the day you deserve."
You know ... let karma sort it all out.
%
Only 6 hours, 33 minutes, and 35 years until I can retire.
%
Doctor, "What kind of birth control are you using?"
Me, "Just my personality."
%
Welcome to middle age.
A mysterious ailment will be assigned to you shortly.
%
Copiers can sense fear.
Stay calm and speak to the machine in low, soothing tones.
%
I dunno what my spirit animal is, but it randomly hibernates.
%
Remember the commercial "I've fallen and I can't getup!"?
Yeah, it's not so funny anymore...
%
Being abducted by aliens just might be the vacation I need right now.
%
I am currently out of the office and
can be reached by waiting for me to come back.
%
Work Tip: Stand up. Stretch. Take a walk.
Go to the airport. Get on a plane. Never return.
%
And then there's Darth Vader's android wife.
Ella Vader.
%
Next week has been exhausting.
%
If I put in the batteries backward, will it be a flashdark?
%
If a group of men are fighting for the possession of an orb,
you are either reading a fantasy novel or watching sports.
%
As a child I slept in a twin bed and wondered where my brother was.
%
Remote login is a lot like astral projection.
%
Plato founded the first-ever university, The Academy.
So, technically, he's responsible for student debt.
%
Birthdays are a reminder that you're getting older.
But cake makes it hurt less.
%
Florence, Italy.&ensp;Beautiful place.
The Italians call it Firenze to keep tourists from finding it.
%
Radio was an exciting new technology,
which made it possible to hear other people's voices in your home,
without using thin walls or having a mental condition.
%
Job interview, "Do you have any experience?"
Me, "Yes, this is my 20th interview."
%
The human brain is amazing -- working tirelessly -- 24/7
Until you have to remember a password.
%
What's the difference between Large Language Model and my <b>LARGE PRINT</b>?
%
My brother finally joined the World Barber Association
It was only a matter of time before he made the cut.
%
My girlfriend is a font of photography jokes.
You just can't shutter up. She's very focused.
%
My sister went to college and took up chemistry.
Then I went to college and took up space.
%
I'm always learning a valuable lesson.
Sadly, I never write those down.
%
International Procrastination Day is always observed next month.
%
Money is the root of all evil, and man needs roots.
%
Try again.
%
The only function of economic forecasting is to make astrology look respectable.
-- John Kenneth Galbraith
%
Our drinking team has a bowling problem.
%
Maybe I'm eating <i>too many</i> vegetables.
I think I have greenhouse gas.
%
I still have a landline.
I use it to call and find my misplaced cellphone.
%
The first 12 months of the year are the hardest.
%
My wife dared me to name our daughter something ridiculous.
But I called her Bluff.
%
It is said that sloth is a sin.
But what I do I call manifesting patience.
%
"You have reached the psychic hot line. To whom am I speaking?"
"Dooh!! You tell me!"
%
grumble... I'm at the age where everyone assumes I play pickleball.
%
My husband and I no longer go out dancing.
His feet were killing me!
%
It's obvious what the Word Of The Year is to be.&ensp;CONSEQUENCES
%
I'm thinking of buying my first-ever gun.
Probably I'll begin with a starter pistol.
%
When I comes to chores in the kitchen,
I deploy Strategic Incompetence.
%
We actually went out and ate at a restaurant that had no jingle.
%
I don't bother telling folks my age.
It changes every year, anyway.
%
I used to be my own worst critic.
Then I started dating my current wife.
%
sigh... My friend died two years ago.
She still has more social media followers than me.
%
I'm so old that I remember when water was free, and you had to pay for porn.
%
If you step on someone's foot, they'll open their mouth -- just like trash cans.
%
I'm undiagnosed. But everybody is pretty sure.
%
I'm lost, but I'm making good time!
%
Every morning I wake up and make the worst time management decisions.
%
I like my mornings to be slow and quiet.
I want the day to romance me a bit before it tries to crush me.
%
I'm incredibly delicious and I hate that mosquitoes know it.
%
It's been "One Of Those Days" for like 7-8 months now.
%
The Earth is about 71% water, AND it's not carbonated!
So technically, the&ensp;earth&ensp;is&ensp;flat.
%
My wife likes to talk after sex.
She always calls me from her hotel room when she's finished.
%
How do you get down from an elephant?
You don't, silly. You get down from a goose.
%
Someday I'll look back at all my false memories of this and laugh!
%
God created the earth.&ensp;The dutch created the Netherlands.
%
My Canadian friend comes from a quaint little drinking village with a fishing problem.
%
Saw a mime making graffiti yesterday.
He was using clear lacquer.
%
The professional wrestler won his heavy-weight fight.
They paid him with fake money.
%
The wife has a new wireless bra.
But she can't connect it to the WiFi.
%
I know that it seems like things can't get any worse.
But you need to know that we're not even close to that yet.
%
I sometimes over-think about my constant over-thinking.
%
I never liked him. Yet tomorrow I will deliver his eulogy.
Oh boy!&emsp;This is going to be epic!
%
Often in awkward situations I find a need to break the silence.
But passing gas is probably not the best way.
%
Each year my psychiatrist advertises a "March Madness" special.
%
If you're between 8-16 years old, and not a whiskey,
you are annoying.
%
She said she missed me.
Normally that would be good, but she's reloading.
%
Making plans sounds like fun until you have to put pants on and actually go out.
%
Never fails.&ensp;I always put the "pain" in "painting".
%
My home town has a monument to civic successes with meager resources.
We call it <i>The Statute Of Limitations.</i>
%
A bartender walks into a stable.
The horse says. "Why the round belly?&nbsp;Not so funny now, is it?"
%
I bought my friend a large, stuffed elephant for his living room.
Dunno how he feels about it.&ensp;He won't mention it.
%
I intend to die with dignity -- unlike how I lived.
%
Young women used to smile at me.
Now they mostly laugh.
%
I was saddened to learn of Tom's death.
He owed me twenty bucks.
%
I bought a book titled "A Guide To Surgical Procedures".
Too late I discovered the appendix was missing.
%
Never cry while you are playing tennis.
You might be charged with racket tearing.
%
I may be crazy, but at least I have each other.
%
His family asked me to give a eulogy.
Obviously they don't know me very well!
%
It wasn't a major race --- not a <i>Race For The Cure</i>.
It was more a <i>Race For An Ounce Of Prevention</i>.
%
My wife and I enjoy gardening together.
She's my soil-mate.
%
She never should've asked me. 'WHAT were you thinking?!!?'
%
How much net work could a network work, if a network could net work?
%
The worst genre is definitely dystopian non-fiction.
%
The submarine sank soon after its initial launch.
Probably because it was built to sub standards.
%
Just saw a German documentary on U-Boats.
Luckily it had sub titles.
%
At my age I'm lucky to break my systolic pressure number in golf.
%
We I have a dog that can no longer see.
We call him Blind Spot.
%
I took a long, hard look at myself this morning.
I won't be doing that ever again.
%
A horse in the 7th race was named "Seventh Heaven". It was number 7.
It was carrying a 7lb penalty. &amp; It was 7-to-1. So I bet $20 on it.
It finished seventh.
%
A medical study shows that replacing junk food with vegetables...
...may eliminate any little joy you have left in life.
%
If you were to pick 5 of your weirdest friends,
I would be 3 of them.
%
Informed the boss I'd be late tomorrow.
"How Late?!"&ensp;Won't know until I get there.
%
Botox is so common now-a-days that when it's mentioned, nobody lifts an eyebrow.
%
I ordered some shirts online. They've been delayed.
I guess they were cotton traffic.
%
Why does Saturday coffee taste so much better than rest-of-the-week coffee?
%
My wife lost her prosthetics, so we ordered replacements.
Since then, I've been waiting on her hand and foot.
%
My doctor asked me how many recent partners I had.
I replied, "20, maybe 30", before I realized she was not talking about work.
%
My brother-in-law is often found lost in deep thought.
Actually, he gets lost on the shallow end.
%
I'm so old we were entertained by radio.
We had to think up our own pictures.
%
Drinking water through a straw is the opposite of snorkeling.
%
Of course my socks don't match.
If they were supposed to, they'd be the same color.
%
I've never liked puns about chairs.
They just don't sit well with me.
%
People give me directions and add, "You can't miss it."
Folks, you have no idea what I'm capable of!
%
I wonder if my neighbor's therapy dog would take on a new client.
%
My doctor's office still uses Windows 7.
I'm not sure that is HIPPA compliant.
%
She, "Spell 'ORANGE'."
He, "The fruit or the color?"
%
I'm not married; I'm single by choice.
It just was not <i>my</i> choice.
%
When I ask myself if my day could get any worse,
does life realize that's a rhetorical question, and not a challenge?
%
I've finished the  part of my "Rags To Riches" story.
I've got the rags part down pat.
%
There's something to say about getting older.
Just not anything good.
%
Memorizing pothole locations is a skill around here.
%
Nothing ruins your Friday more than finding out it's just Wednesday.
%
A lot of what's going on feels like being awake during surgery.
%
I keep my credit score low to prevent identity theft.
No one can take out a car loan in my name if I can't either.
%
My ex-wife once said she couldn't live without me.
I recently found out she's still alive. More lies.
%
It's a great feeling when someone runs their fingers down your back.
Unless you thought you were alone.
%
I think she read my mind and made coffee.
Amazing, since my mind doesn't work <i>until</i> I've had coffee.
%
A commune is where people join together to share their lack of wealth.
%
FUN FACT: Zebras are black with white stripes.
%
I'm using a new senior's dating app.
It's for those who eat dinner no later than five.
%
I can remember when nobody I knew had a password.
%
The very first telephone wasn't such a big deal.
But the second telephone... <B>That</B> was very important!
%
My procrastination is not that big of an issue.
I decided I can stop putting off things whenever I want.
%
I'm so tired.
I spent all day avoiding yard work.
%
My favorite childhood memory is having just one chin.
%
Some proctologists use 2 fingers.
That way the patient gets a second opinion.
%
It's annoying when people use the wrong word and don't have the humidity to admit it.
%
Never use a large word to sound smart when a diminutive one will do.
%
After my angiogram &amp; stress test, the Dr. tells me I have AFIB.
Now I'm suffering from ticker shock.
%
You know what they say about the 60's,
if you remember it, you weren't there.
%
There's that one special, magical period in Fall.
That's when it's too soon to rake, and too late to mow.
%
My son was born on 12/12/12.
That's 12/12/12 for the non-Americans.
%
My first day as a pilot, "What are all these buttons for?!?"
Co-pilot, "They keep your shirt closed."
%
If you come upon someone crying,
ask them if it's because of their haircut.
%
I'm at that age where my mind thinks I'm 40, my humor suggests I'm 16,
and my body wonders what rigor mortis will feel like.
%
If you're wondering about my culinary skills.
I bring paper towels to family gatherings.
%
A silly accident forced me to tread in a vat of ketchup.
My face was red!
%
I wanted to join Paranoia Anonymous.
But no one would tell me where they meet.
%
It was a simple divorce. We split the house equally.
I got the outside.
%
I work crowd control in a cemetery.
People are just dying to get in here.
%
Most graveyards are the dead center of town.
%
My computer went down.&ensp;It lost its drive.
%
When my Ford Escort broke down I called an escort service.
%
At times my actions cause folks to ask, "How can you live with yourself?"
Well, I learned to live with all kind of people in the Army.
%
I've been temperamental lately -- half-temper &amp; half-mental.
%
That couple has so much in common.
He has money, and she's attracted to it.
%
Be aware of the difference between the internet and a library.
In a library, the "Fiction" and "Non-Fiction" sections are clearly labeled.
%
Nobody is here on Earth by choice.
We're all just in a gathering we've been forced to attend.
%
I went to the fights last night and a hockey game broke out.
%
I wish I was financially able to afford who I really am.
%
All the beauty salons in town went on strike 3 weeks ago.
Things are starting to get ugly.
%
There's only one wrinkle with going on a holiday.
Your mind always get there before your body does.
%
I don't want to be cured of my perfectionism.
No.&ensp;I want to get better at it.
%
The first round of divorces for my high school class has begun.
%
The town librarian just left on her first vacation.
"Long overdue!", she said.
%
If I crawl into bed and start snuggling with you, please snuggle back.
Don't ask me how I got into your house. It ruins the moment.
%
Drink a full pint of water if you're going to bed depressed.
It will give you a reason to get up in the morning.
%
The boss says he'll fire anyone that exhibits job stress.
%
"My child will not eat fish. What can I replace it with?"
"A cat", replies the pediatrician. "Cats love fish."
%
My wife feels so frustrated.
But them I also thought she could change me.
%
If my job is going to suck the life out of me,
at least it could take all of the fat with it!
%
Why do I always turn down the radio at the drive-up ATM?
%
Technically the remote ain't lost until I give up looking for it.
%
The airlines miss-route my luggage so often
that it has more frequent miles than I do.
%
My girlfriend and I both finish each other's sentences.
For example, "... and you get the check."
%
"Your underwear is much too tight!”, I said.
“Then wear your own!”, she snapped.
%
My newest book just came out: "Reverse Psychology"
Please don't buy it.
%
My bogosity meter just pegged.
%
I on a new diet where I fast between meals and snacks.
%
I guess a lot of parents patch up their kids homework.
My son's teacher thinks he's an orphan.
%
I got a promotion at the tree nursery.
I'm now a branch manager.
%
The 9 out of 10 people who are afraid of hurdles never get over it.
%
I'm looking for someone to help milking cows.
Must work well with udders.
%
Laundry: Washing - 30 minutes , Drying - 60 minutes
Putting away - 7 to 10 business days
%
Warning: If you buy a watch that claims you can swim with it,
it only applies if you can swim <i>without</i> it.
%
I learned I can't have a family doctor.
I'm adopted.
%
If your desert guide keeps getting lost, find a Bedouin.
%
My co-worker goes through the 5 Stages Of Grief while her phone is charging.
%
So, I took The Road Less Traveled.
Now I have no idea where I am!
%
My brother-in-law is simpleminded.
He can forget what he's doing ... while he's doing it!
%
I've taken up pottery in retirement.&emsp;Just kiln time.
%
Shocked!! My wife told me that the 7 year old boy is not my son.
I should pay more attention when picking him up from school!
%
My wife says we're no longer working out.
So, I canceled our gym membership.
%
I bought a used car.
It's got anti-lock brakes and anti-break locks.
%
The couple next door are both detectives and the wife moved out.
I guess they can cover more ground if they split up.
%
Pondering:&ensp;Aren't ATM fees just making you pay for your own money?
%
My skill in origami is in creasing.
%
The best employees of any company clock in and go hide somewhere.
Good employees are hard to find.
%
I ordered a bran muffin and coffee, and the barista asked, "Is that to <i>go?"</i>
I believe that was extremely personal!!
%
I'm gonna start recording my arguments with my wife.
Just so I can rewind it, and prove where I was <i>right</i>.
%
My girlfriend used to give me that sexy, smoky look.
Lately, though, it's been more of a laser look.
%
Today is the first day of the rest of your strife.
%
My stock broker believes "Wiped Out" is such a harsh term.
He much prefers "The love of money was unrequited."
%
I don't just say awkward things,
I <i>am</i> an awkward thing.
%
When I was younger I got a PlayStation for my sister.
Best trade ever!!
%
I'm about tell a pun about crooked teeth.&emsp;Brace yourself.
%
Humans stopped being hunter-gatherers because supermarkets are easier.
%
"Love makes the wise man a fool."
Well ,&emsp;that explains me.
%
A pizza is a literal pie chart describing how much pizza is left.
%
A Mexican firefighter had twin sons.
José and Hose B.
%
The band's drummer had twin daughters.
Annaone .. Annatwo.
%
Sometimes my brother reminds me of my old B&amp;W TV.
Before you can get a clear picture, you have to smack it a few times.
%
I'm built different.&emsp;Like incorrectly, I think.
%
Stop blaming yourself for your failures.
Learn astrology and blame the planets.
%
My neighbor keeps receiving my Time magazine.
Customer Service tells me they'll address the issue.
%
I always get behind the guy trying to buy season sports tickets at the ATM.
%
My sister-in-law puts the "dumb" in "dumbfounded".
%
My mother-in-law puts the "Omen" in "Women".
%
Christopher Columbus died believing he'd found a new route to China.
Then, as now, men avoided asking for directions.
%
I went to the Oreo's website and clicked&ensp;<b>[&ensp;ACCEPT ALL COOKIES&ensp;]</b>.
I'm still waiting.
%
I walked through the mall dressed as a screwdriver.
It turned a few heads.
%
Supposedly watching aquarium fish can be relaxing.
It must be due to the indoor fins.
%
My wife is a world class runner in her age group.
A real trophy wife.
%
Wife, "Our neighbor kisses his wife as he goes to work? Why don't you?"
Me, "Well, one reason is I don't even know her that well."
%
"Happy Birthday" has to be the most played New Age song of all time.
%
It's not known exactly many people died on the Titanic
But the consensus is it was a boatload.
%
My nickname was "The Titanic" on my high school hockey team.
I looked pretty good until I hit the ice.
%
I googled ED medicine once.
Ever since then, I get a bunch of pop ups.
%
I use to be a doorman in Manhattan.
It was ok -- except for all the knock-knock jokes.
%
My doctor refers to to my skin's 'age spots' as barnacles.
In any case, I think I need my hull scraped.
%
When things go all to hell, don't go with them.
%
I'm often complimented on my personality.
Actually, it's a disorder.
%
My resume is pretty much just a list of things I never want to do again.
%
Did you know you can just start screaming -- basically anywhere?
It's not illegal or anything.
%
Time exits to make sure that everything doesn't happen at once.
Space exists to make sure that everything doesn't happen to you.
%
When cleaning windows or mirrors, you can apply orange juice to the grimy areas.
However, this does not work.
%
I was the best man at my friend's second marriage.
I started my speech with, "Welcome back everyone."
%
I spend about half my life being confused.
And the other half being confusing.&ensp;I do me.
%
There's no telling what would happen if I had an attention span!
%
I have 99 problems.
If I could focus, I'd solve 73 of them.
%
I know the voices aren't real.
But they sure come up with some great ideas!
%
The sign identifying the pilot's lounge included a braille rendering.
%
Dilemma: An atheist is stuck in traffic at a green light.
In front of him is a "HONK IF YOU LOVE JESUS" bumper sticker.
%
To clarify: I don't overeat.&ensp;I under diet.
%
The tallest buildings on the planet?
Libraries; because they have millions of stories.
%
I was asked to quit my job at the quarry.
I don't mine if I do. It'd be a rock solid decision.
%
A good elevator joke can work on so many levels.
%
My wife had me put the pasta back in the colander.
It was a restraining order.
%
I dated a history teacher once, but that's now way in the past.
%
I asked my boss if he's embarrassed that he pays me so little.
He'd rather his face be in the red than his bank account.
%
I asked my wife to read the warning message on my new prescription.
WARNING: MAY CAUSE BLURRED VISION
%
I took a hint from my vet and the dog.
I hide my weight-loss pills in a donut.
%
I don't believe I'll ever get a self-driving car.
It might take me somewhere I don't want to go.
%
I finally came to terms with Valentine's Day.
I've been buying my own chocolates for a decade.
%
My wife wants to start the Mediterranean Diet.
And she wants to start it in Rome.
%
In 2025 the US Mint was ordered to stop minting new pennies.
Economists say that the decision did not make cents.
%
You should never argue with a woman.
If you win, things might get worse.
%
I went to the doctor because I thought I had arthritis.
Seems I actually have early onset rigor mortis.
%
Once you've eaten at one food court, you've eaten at the mall.
%
I'm so old that my sex drive has turned into a putt.
%
I came home to a clean house.
Seems the internet was down all day.
%
I know how it will end.
My grandchild will unplug my life support to charge their phone.
%
My co-worker is a dwarf, and he's never been promoted.
I think he's being overlooked.
%
I didn't say any of that.
-- Confucius
%
If not for the invention of blinds, it'd be curtains for us all.
%
My wife and I hiked to a point with a incredible echo.
I should've known better. She always has to have the last word.
%
My co-worker, a dwarf, climbs the corporate ladder every day ...
... just to reach the buttons on the photocopier.
%
I once saw a dwarf being pick pocketed.
Couldn't believe someone would stoop so low.
%￼
I am always surprised when tattooed couples have a baby,
and it turns out blank.
%
To be or not to be, that is the bottom line.
%
The opossum is a very sophisticated animal.
It doesn't even get up until 5 or 6 PM.
%
Beware of birthday gift scams!
My husband ordered me jewelry, but they sent fishing gear.
%
Study shows folks with a high IQ tend to be lazy, or something like that.
Dunno for sure.&ensp;Did not read the whole article.
%
Stressed spelled backward is desserts.
%
I did the Three Day Challenge.
No alcohol on Feb. 29, 30, &amp; 31.
%
I don't have any motivational quotes for you.
If you want to give up, give up.
%
Rose are red.&ensp;Violets are blue.
Vodka costs less than dinner for two.
%
Some people call it multitasking.&ensp;For me it's doing something else
<i>until I remember what I'm supposed to be doing in the first place</i>.
%
I'm so old my high school had cigarette vending machines.
%
Ever increasing egg prices have Americans scrambling.
%
How many dead bodies does it take to change a light bulb?
Well, it ain't 6, because my basement is still dark.
%
I'm a survivor.
The dumpster fire within me burned brighter than the one around me.
%
My sister is an agoraphobic vegan.
She avoids meet.
%
When all else fails, read the instructions.
%
It's cute when clothes have those funny tags on them.
Like ... "HAND WASH ONLY"
%
So, I dropped my bait, never gassed up the boat, and they're not biting.
It's still better than being at work.
%
Nope. I'm not picking up the snow shovel.
I'm taking a Snow Day.
%
Thanks to my therapist, I am now in sync with the world.
However ... the world is nuts!
%
The four stages of dad bod:
1. Anger&ensp;2. Denial&ensp;3. Grief&ensp;4. Chips!
%
I'm am middle age at last ... if I live to be 140.
%
I was issued a ticket for disturbing the peace with my sound system.
My plea for leniency fell on deaf ears.
%
I think my co-worker is interviewing for a new job.
He came to work wearing his dress Crocs.
%
Dinner with my wife at a fancy Italian restaurant cost me a pretty penne.
%
Someone offered me $1,000 because I'm ugly, and I took it.
Absolutely!!&ensp;I'm ugly --- not stupid!
%
The makers of avocados should insert different toys.
I have 50 wooden balls already! Their toy selection is the pits.
%
We had a mermaid in our math class.
She wore an algae bra.
%
Writing a novel is easy.
You simply sit, staring at a terminal, until drops of blood form on your forehead.
%
FLATTERY WILL GET YOU NOWHERE
Bumper sticker on a steamroller.
%
Artificial Intelligence is not <i>that</i> impressive.
I've employed Artificial Thinking for quite some time.
%
I tripped over a box of Kleenex.
Fortunately it was just soft tissue damage.
%
I took the tree surgeon qualifying exam.
The very first question stumped me.
%
The last few pounds are the hardest to lose.
Maybe I should've started with those first?!?
%
Why aren't financial advisors as wealthy as they claim they'll make you?
%
The last time I tried to "Follow My Dream",
I woke up at the end of my street in my pajamas.
%
She said I was a narcissist.
So I kissed myself goodbye and left.
%
The future is looking grim, indeed!
Being smart is trending less than being dumb.
%
If you think you're addicted to sea weed, quickly sea kelp.
%
My bank app sometimes locks me out.
Their Face ID only recognizes me if I'm crying.
%
The two new trigonometry teachers make acute couple!
%
I sell trampolines to monasteries.
Prophets are through the roof.
%
Did someone lose a Rolex?
FYI, it's now 9:30.
%
I'm trying to tie up loose ends.
But I can barely tie my shoes.
%
This week they had a full-bodied chardonnay at communion.
%
CARPE DIEM
I usually seize the <i>wrong</i> day.
%
NOW they tell me!
"Take one pill twice daily" means take <i>two separate</i> pills.
%
There's tennis; then there's pickleball.
I invented a game like horseshoes, but with toilet seats.
%
We're having a day-long offsite meeting tomorrow.
It's to discuss the negative impact of meetings on our productivity.
%
I feel like a teenager today!
Well, a teenager with high blood pressure, osteoporosis, and arthritis.
%
Wait!!!
My kid's teacher can't be calling "history" the things I remember happening!!
%
Just remind yourself,
you are someone's weird coworker.
%
We eat out fairly often.
And I always remember crayons for the place mat.
%
My dog failed another agility test.
I swear she has two left feet.
%
Live so that if your life became a book, Florida would ban it.
%
It takes 43 muscles to frown at someone.
But a lot fewer just to reach out and slap the idiot.
%
My wife and I decided to re-play our first date.
"Can I buy you a drink?"&ensp;"Hell no! I'm not falling for that again!"
%
How many weeks are there in a light year?
%
Nostalgia makes you hate the present and pine for the long ago past.
But nostalgia is not a terrible as it use to be.
%
We're always asked to give 110%.
But they only pay for 73%.
%
My wife gets advice about men from a woman's magazine.
I'm pretty sure it's not good advice.
%
I ate at the Flaming Chicken Cafe.
I had the hot wings.
%
The only thing that's been consistent this year is <b>WTF</b>.
%
The first 5 florist I called knew nothing about carpet or tile.
And, suddenly, I'm the idiot.
%
Being a baby must be terrifying at times.
Imagine going to sleep in your home and waking up at  Walmart!
%
My son had great difficulties with multiplication and division.
Then came the aftermath.
%
I played golf today without fairways.
It was a golf coarse.
%
Let's make a list of things you should never do in long lines.
I'll go first.
%
I built a smartphone out of Lego.
But it won't power up. I think it's bricked.
%
First it's one little lie, then another, then it gets easier and easier.
The next thing you know you're running for public office.
%
The 77-member Narcissist Club just held an election.
It resulted in a 77-way tie.
%
As I get older, the easier it is to voice my opinion,
and the harder it is to listen to anyone else's.
%
My girlfriend and I are taking it to the next level.
We are going to get a joint Costco membership.
%
I received a plaque for my outstanding procrastination.
I haven't hung it up yet. It's still in the package.
%
My company hands out service rewards, Ten years is a coffee cup.
Fifteen years is a jacket. Twenty years is a pink lip.
%
My horoscope says it's a good day to start a diet.
Ha! Wrong again!
%
Sometimes my wife talks to me in the voice she uses with the dog.
%
Posting: The Probably Edible Mushroom Club - Seeking new members
%
My imaginary friend is ghosting me.
%
Believe in yourself like tourists believe they can pet a bison.
%
I never said I would die without coffee.
I said <i>other people</i> would.
%
I'm capable of making good decisions.
But I really shine at making bad ones.
%
The lottery is a trap set by the government to catch time travelers.
%
My sister is glad she has boobs.
She hates people making eye contact with her.
%
Me, "I'm still young..."
My bones, "Oh no we're not."
%
The First Rule of baking is to stay calm.
Because the dough can sense fear.
%
It's comical when someone says, "Wow, you're so quiet."
Well, yeah. I literally don't want to talk to you.
%
I went outside today; it was cold &amp; there were people.
Do. not. recommend. it.
%
Silly Putty implies the existence of serious putty.
That would be C4.
%
You can't change the people around you.
But you can change the people around you.
%
If things get any worse, I'll have to ask you to stop helping me.
%
We have a cafe here called "The Vagrant Cow".
One of the menu choices is "Bum Steer".
%
The aircraft had an open seat in First Class.
So, they let everybody in coach go up an sit and take a selfie.
%
The biggest problem in our marriage is communication.
We are trying to completely avoid it.
%
My neighbor lady is a retired Marine officer.
I thanked her for her cervix.
%
My co-worker claims someone stole $100 from her purse.
But when I counted it later, it was only $70. Can't trust anyone.
%
Whenever I try to eat healthy, a chocolate bar looks at me and Snickers.
%
Everyone at my job became ill at the same time.
Supposedly, it was a bad staff infection.
%
I just helped my neighbor bury a rolled up carpet in the woods.
Her husband was out of town or else he would have helped.
%
I don't believe in intuition.
But I sense that someday I might.
%
I think I picked a bad week to get out of bed.
%
I use social media all day, every day, and I'm not addicted.
%
I once gifted my wife a shiny new bathroom scale.
I would've returned it, but I couldn't find all the pieces.
%
The End isn't near.
But you can see it from here.
%
I wish I could remember my dreams ...
... and forget my waking hours.
%
My date with the Posture Specialist did not go well.
She stood me up.
%
Me and my recliner go way back.
%
That trick I had up my sleeve turned out to be a dryer sheet.
%
There was a lot of successes and failures in my life.
I'm proud that at least the potty training stuck.
%
I've been told to work on my mistakes.
OK! The next one will be a DOOZY!!
%
A pallet of eggs were stolen recently.
Cops are looking for a poacher.
There are clues and the case should be over easy.
%
Book store tells me the new book on procrastination will be in Real Soon Now.
%
You remember her? She was 3 girlfriends ago.
My great, great girlfriend.
%
Among my failed inventions: Helicopter ejection seats.
%
There's an Italian restaurant next to the cemetery called "Pasta Way".
%
I matters not whom one marries.
You'll find out the next morning it was someone else.
%
Wishing without work is like fishing without bait.
%
My girlfriend dumped me for that guy in marketing.
Seems he has a bigger expense account than I do.
%
My washing machine does my washing for me.
Then why doesn't my exercise machine . . . .
%
I just finished a book that told me I needed more exercise.
So&ensp;I'm gonna get up,&ensp;and head out,&ensp;to the store for a new book.
%
Pondering:&ensp;What do they call Danishes in Denmark?
%
My co-worker is a whiz with Excel, but an awful gossip.
She really loves to spreadsheet.
%
I think my imaginary friend borrowed my car!
%
My gumbo of sausage &amp; okra wasn't good and it wasn't bad.
It was just meaty okra.
%
My imaginary girlfriend broke up with me last week.
She said things were getting too real.
%
Due to my low self esteem I had an imaginary girlfriend.
But she dumped me.
%
There was a huge backup on the commute to work this morning.
The line at Dunkin Donuts' drive-thru extended into the street.
%
Of course they'll raise prices.
They know I can't stop eating.
%
My wife is always finding 'something' at the thrift store.
It's 'something' she doesn't need, at a price she can't resist.
%
Why, yes! I have a drinking problem.
The Rusty Bucket closes at 2 AM!
%
Traffic officer, "Do you know why I pulled you over?"
Me, "It's OK. Short-term memory loss can happen to us all."
%
I got pulled over for a typo on my bumper sticker.
%
Easter Island has the world's largest garden gnomes.
%
There are times I feel like doing nothing.
Like February for instance.
%
My psychologist won't cure a patient with an inferiority complex.
Because then they don't pay their bill.
%
My wife says it's OK for her to call them jogger pants.
After all, she says, I call it athlete's foot.
%
Don't ever attempt to multi-task on 12 projects.
It just dozen work.
%
I was once the youngest person on Earth!
%
We started a band called  "Closed for Renovations".
It was a flop at every bar we played.
%
My parents never did buy me quality roller blades.
Cheapskates!
%
My circumcision was costly.
It was a big rip off.
%
My wife likes to help me with around-the-house repairs.
Like calling a professional...
%
Nobody said computers were going to be polite.&ensp;... or simple.
%
Most specialists recommend lots of meditation and relaxation.
So I drink lots of wine while sitting on a yoga mat.
%
I felt it was only fitting to watch "Groundhog Day" 5 times in a row.
%
Every baby born is the planet's youngest person --- for about 4.5 seconds.
%
There's one issue with living through your second childhood.
Everyone younger tries to be your parent.
%
Worrying may not do anything about the future.
But it sure sucks the joy out of your day!
%
Years ago my parent hired a tutor to help me scribble <i>inside</i> the lines.
%
My son has no organizational skills, but wants to be a mailman.
We just hope that we'll not be on his delivery route.
%
I found a new Weight Watchers menu; but I don't have all the ingredients.
My Pop-Tart and Jelly Bean casserole should be done in 20 minutes.
%
I did not get fries, so I re-read the menu.
It really did say "... comes with flies".
%
I practice fairly tight email security in my job.
I've learned opening any attachment means more work.
%
I told my doctor that I felt like something was missing in my life.
She wrote me a prescription for a dog.
%
I'm believe I'm the only one without a presidential pardon.
And that makes me nervous.
%
Mine was a reckless and carefree youth.
I ate gluten and peanuts without wearing a helmet or sunblock.
%
I have patience. It just gets overrun by passion.
%
My wife bought me hip waders for my birthday.
Not for my fishing.&ensp;It's for my golfing.
%
I opted out of their&ensp;!^*%(*&#&ensp;spam emails.
Now they email me, asking if I would like to opt-in again!
%
Sometimes I'm hungry and go to the refrigerator. ... and find only <i>ingredients</i>!
%
The Dallas Cowboys really are America's team!
They watch the Superbowl at home just like the rest of us.
%
I swallowed some food coloring by mistake.
I'll be fine, but I feel like I've dyed a little inside.
%
I swallowed a bottle of invisible ink.
Now I'm in the Emergency Room, waiting to be seen.
%
There's a thin line between heroes and herpes.
%
France's Groundhog Day is all about seeing the chateau.
%
Love your country, but never trust its government.
%
A group of flat-earthers has gone missing.
It's like they fell off the face of the earth.
%
The Headless Horseman enjoys his coffee <i>decapitated</i>.
%
It is better to give than to lend, and it costs about the same.
%
My girlfriend didn't break up with me on social media.
She just made the suggestion &amp; then decided based on the number of "likes".
%
Useful Tip: If you use enough hot fudge, you can't taste the broccoli.
%
What to do if someone close to you dies.
If in a movie theater, change seats.
%
Stories about levitation are so uplifting.
%
There was a huge traffic jam leaving the bondage convention.
It was a massive tie up.
%
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs.
It's okay though, it was safely in my pocket!
%
Sometimes I tell dad jokes --- and sometimes he laughs
%
Aviation Truism: A good landing is one you can walk away from.
A great landing is one were you can use the plane again.
%
Think of the airplane's engine as an "air conditioner".
Because when it stops running, you'll start sweating.
%
My seat mate asked, "How far can this plane fly on only one engine?"
I replied, "All the way to the crash site."
%
I fly often on our small, local commuter airline.
We are often passed by a kite.
%
I learned of a new documentary film, "DIARRHEA".
It's expected to have a long run in the theaters.
%
The fan in front of the plane keeps the pilot cool.
Turn it off and watch him sweat.
%
I learned of a new documentary film, "CONSTIPATION".
But it hasn't come out yet. It should be #2 at the box office.
%
I can gain weight just by pressing the pound key on my phone.
%
I have a tattoo of a USAF Jet Fighter on my arm.
Can't remember being in the Air Force, and that's why I have the tattoo.
%
I don't often know what makes people <i>tick</i>.
But I always seem to know how to <i>tick</i> them off.
%
I'm so old that I was alive when you could SLAM the phone down to hang up.
It felt good! It was spectacular!
%
When I was young, I wanted to set the world on fire.
Now-a-days I only seem to set off the smoke alarm.
%
I really have no idea where I'm going.
But I'm making great time!
%
My sister-in-law announced she's writing her life story.
I wonder where she'll get it...
%
As a kid I always avoided eating my vegetables until last.
I was just delaying the inedible.
%
I always wanted a woman with personality.
Sadly, my wife has several!
%
As a young man, I dreamt of sleeping with a strange woman every night.
What I didn't realize was that it would always be the same one!
%
Most bald men still own a comb.
They just can't part with it.
%
I heard a constipation joke at the comedy club.
It was a solid one!
%
Ninjas prefer to wear sneakers.
%
Friday The 31st would be an unlucky day for a dyslexic.
%
My grandmother came to stay with us.
She's no bother, She's in a vase on the mantel.
%
Quite a few folks drink to forget.
I keep forgetting to do that.
%
If that wasn't the valet, who did I just give my car keys to?!
%
I would tell my mother-in-law to go to blazes.&ensp;But...
The devil still has a active restraining order against her.
%
There's a difference between ignorance and apathy.
But I just don't know, and I really don't care.
%
You can name your new pet anything you'd like.
But, be aware it'll be your security question for the rest of your life.
%
I don't now what "inexplicable" means.
I was told it is hard to explain.
%
It's a good thing I wasn't born in France.
I cannot speak a word of french.
%
I should start journaling to ease my anxiety.
But my anxiety is causing me writer's block.
%
Over time, a cat will have read his first eight obituaries.
%
If you'd like a synopsis about my career trajectory,
it would seem I blew up just off the launching pad.
%
The price of lumber is so high these days.
It's hard to believe it grows on trees.
%
I always limber up before going to Costco.
%
<b>Incomepoop</b> (N.), Someone who consistently invests in bad stocks
%
I don't know if I'm depressed, or
reacting appropriately to the world as we know it.
%
My mother-in-law, when she has something on her mind, she says it.
Of course, when she has nothing on her mind, she say that. too.
%
I dunno about reincarnation.
Where would we 'come back' <i>from</i>?
%
I don't smile because I'm happy to visit my mother-in-law.
No. I smile because she might have a doorbell camera.
%
I still observe my ex-wife's birthday.
Recently I sent her a gift card to Cauldrons-and-Things.
%
My brother-in-law went to play golf yesterday.
He filled out his score card and then went to the first tee.
%
BEIGE: Because you have no strong feelings about anything.
%
I was recently reminded of those mammals that never forget.&emsp;Ex-wives.
%
I saw a documentary about the Arctic.&ensp;It was really cool.
%
I cut short  my trip to China.
There were too many red flags.
%
My dad was an Air Force jet pilot.
Hated gliders.&ensp;It was a soar subject.
%
I saw a documentary about Death Valley.&ensp;It was really hot.
%
I turned down a farm job that would pay me in produce.
The celery was unacceptable.&ensp;I didn't bother to turnip.
%
Still only costs $.08 to mail a letter; the rest is for storage.
%
I was always planning to dance on my mother-in-law's grave.
Just to spite me, she had her burial at sea.
%
I keep an empty carton of milk in the fridge should anyone want black coffee.
%
I keep empty beer bottles in the fridge for non-drinkers.
%
I believe his inferiority complex is way better than mine.
%
Such a bore.&ensp;She keeps talking and talking.
Even after I've stopped listening and listening.
%
I was suggested I give away the books I've already read.
Can't.&emsp;I don't remember which ones I've read.
%
I can remember when "hard drive" meant the road in to town was unpaved.
%
Not sure why the mortgage lender was fired.
He either lost interest, or he cut off people's ARMs.
%
My swatter failed to kill a fly.
But that raisin will never walk again.
%
I had a hard time graduating from magic school.
The final exam was just a series of trick questions.
%
I gave my wife a gift that went from 0 to 200 in less than 10 seconds.
She was not pleased with the new bathroom scales.
%
My wife says it won't help to hold in my stomach when standing on the scales.
Well, it does help.&ensp;It's the only way I can see the numbers.
%
I weigh 175 with my glasses on.
I have no idea how much I weigh with my glasses off.
%
I bought one of those talking scales.
When I first tried it, it said, "One person at a time please."
%
When we were kids, we had ghost stories.
Now that we're old, we have conspiracy stories.
%
Playing golf isn't all there is to life.
Nope.&ensp;You can also watch it on TV!
%
They gave me headphones for my dental cleaning today.
Now I have clean teeth and an earworm.
%
I wish people would stop petting my peeves.
%
I'm fake smiling my way through another Monday...
%
Family generations are successively having fewer and fewer children.
It's called a receding heir line.
%
The local Italian restaurant has "Medical Marinara" on the menu.
%
Urologist, "I'm afraid you have a bladder infection."
I'm thinking, "Oh boy! Now urine trouble."
%
My favorite conspiracy theory is that everything is going to be okay.
%
There's one thing greater than the Superbowl.
That would be the hyperbole.
%
People are so judgmental these days.
I can tell just by just looking at them.
%
Some track &amp; field athletes have an aversion to the hurdles.
Most will never get over it.
%
Earth is probably a beta site.
%
New systems generate new problems.
%
My HMO will Photoshop X-rays to make things look better.
%
I enjoy the sound of opportunity knocking.
I can lie on the couch for hours and listen to it.
%
I've pretty much stopped asking questions about what makes sense these days...
%
They claim that heavy drinking will cause you to forget large chunks of your life.
They should not encourage me like that!
%
My wife claims that one of her breasts is larger than the other.
I disagree. I think one of them is smaller than the other.
%
Aren't "heated seats" and "rear defroster" the same thing?
%
There's a new invention that threatens to eliminate union jobs.
It's a shovel that stands up all by itself.
%
My wife loves her fitness tracker that reports her activities and health signs.
I hate mine for exactly the same reason.
%
My local bar has a device that'll tell you if you've had too much to drink.
It's a karaoke machine.
%
I guess male pattern baldness is inevitable.
But I wish I could choose the pattern.
%
I'm really glad I don't have a thigh gap. I almost dropped my phone in the toilet,
but my legs were like, "Nah, nah, buster. We got this."
%
POLL: Should American schools teach Arabic Numerals?
Yes: XXIX%&emsp;No: LVII%&emsp;No Opinion: XIV%
%
When I was a kid we had plenty of eggs and toilet paper.
So much that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies.
%
Don't worry about the world coming to an end.
It is already tomorrow in Australia.
%
I'm just glad that my faith in humanity isn't alive to witness any of this.
%
I often get road rage walking behind clueless people at Costco.
%
The sushi was way overpriced!
It was a raw deal.
%
I'm told my handwriting will improve if I sharpen my pencils.
I hate to say it, but they make a pretty good point.
%
I saw a blacksmith pick up a glowing hot ingot with his bare hands.
He explained, "Pick 'em up by the corners. They're only 90&deg;.”
%
We once had a strip club in this town.
But now it's clothed.
%
I've seen some really bad things at my job.
But the worst has been my paycheck.
%
Ignore anyone that calls you fat.
You're bigger than that.
%
Been through Hell?&ensp;What did you bring back for me?
%
It seems there is one way to realize you are getting old.
You see your favorite TV stars either selling reverse mortgages or pitching insurance.
%
It didn't work.&ensp;I posted an ad for "Free Leaves".
%
I don't think I can get much older.
So, whatever it is, it doesn't matter.
%
My wife went to a hypnotist to lose weight.
So far <i>he</i> has gained 40 pounds.
%
I was told it is not nagging.
It's more like an error message.
%
The motel gave me a big discount if I would make my own bed.
Luckily they supplied all the tools and lumber.
%
I'm so old that my first terminal was a round, black &amp; white cathode ray tube.
%
I dropped off my car at the shop today.
They just phoned me with a list of things that <u>do not</u> need to be repaired.
%
I'm now ready for rich people's problems.
I've mastered all the broke people's problems.
%
Imagine everything you could do if the energy drink actually gave you energy.
%
My spirit animal is a chocolate Easter bunny.
%
Patient, "Hey doctor, am I going to recover from this?"
Doctor, "Wait! Stop the autopsy!"
%
There is one big plus for us seniors dating at our age.
Nobody has to meet the parents.
%
My sister-in-law should be required to get an "open carry" license.
That would be for her salad shooter.
%
I stole a compass. I did not realize it was a moral compass.
%
I just joined a fantasy pinball league.
%
My brother-in-law did their laundry.
Now they all have pink underwear.
%
One of these days my mother-in-law will go too far.
And I hope she will stay there!
%
Yes, I know the penalty for perjury.
But I would have bigger concerns if I told the truth.
%
I hate it when I'm alone and have to fend for myself.
I just don't fend very well.
%
Standards are great!
And, there's so many to choose from!
%
My boss was in a good mood earlier, but I seem to have fixed that.
%
Hearts and war drums are similar.
It's when they stop that you have to worry.
%
I've signed up for a wine-tasting jury.
I hope I get sequestered!
%
Ladies: Mansplaining is short for "man explaining".
%
It's a hassle donating blood. You get all these questions...
Like, "Where did you get it.?" , "Why is it in a jar?" , "Why is it warm?!?"
%
The older I get, the less I feel the need to be understood.
%
I had a difficult time learning how to drive.
In fact, it took 2&frac12; cars.
%
I've noticed that the price of gas goes up in dimes, and comes down in pennies.
%
No, it's not water retention.
I have chocolate retention.
%
My exercise class wants me to wear loose fitting clothes.
If I had any, I would not need an exercise class!
%
Our new office worker is a real gossip.
Or at least that's what's going around.
%
Releasing birds at a wedding is romantic.
But my brother-in-law released ostriches!
%
Maybe America avoids the metric system because they have a foot fetish.
%
I'm sick and tired that my friends cannot handle their alcohol.
Last night they dropped me 3 times while carrying me to the car.
%
I'm at that age where if people ask me, "Boxers or briefs?", I say, "Depends."
%
Dentists don't die.
They just lose their pull.
%
I finally mastered braille once I got the feel for it.
%
If you don't have time to do it right,
when are you going to find the time to do it over?
%
I was almost the laziest guy in my platoon.
But what stopped me was a lack of ambition.
%
Once again I've misplaced my glasses.
But that's ok. I've seen enough.
%
I can remember when book clubs were more popular than podcast clubs.
%
I was told I'd start at $3,000 a month and, after 6 months, it'd be $3,500 a month.
I told them I would start in six months.
%
Actually, there are Lies, Damn lies, and Delivery Dates.
%
I'm making seven figures at my job.
Well ... that includes the decimal part <i>and</i> the $ sign.
%
Men take high paying jobs like doctor, scientist, engineers.
Women take lower paying jobs like female doctor, female scientist, female engineers...
%
My husband wanted to get married on April 15.
He felt that would help him remember our anniversary.
%
You and I should disagree without being disagreeable.
But disagreeable suits me better.
%
I've been laid off from more jobs than anyone else I know.
That must make me a record-setting employee.
%
My hearing is not <i>that</i> bad.
I just listen with a thick accent.
%
My lack of exaggeration is known around the world.
%
Seems my resolutions to stay more informed and quit drinking were mutually exclusive.
%
I'm committed to working from home in my pajamas --
once I learned vertical stripes make you look thinner.
%
Remember to pat yourself on the back once in a while.
<font size="2">Remember to stretch first if you're not used to it.</font>
%
My doctor told me to weigh myself every day to lose weight.
I think maybe she meant that was <i>in addition</i> to dieting.
%
Ask a man his philosophy and he'll be annoying for an hour.
Teach a man philosophy and he'll be annoying for life.
%
If you're not part of the problem, be the whole problem.
%
I've been trained in combat.
I can do anxiety attacks.
%
I practice <i>reverse gaslighting</i>.
I pretend to know <i>exactly</i> what you're talking about.
%
I don't celebrate my birthday.
After all, it's the day all my problems started.
%
In order to get a loan you must first prove you don't need it.
%
Surely there must be more to life than having everything.
%
I wonder if these jeans make my butt look Photoshopped?
%
We named our daughter Lexus.
If we hadn't had her, I'd be driving one.
%
Why do blurry people ask me if I'm drunk?
%
Technically, an airplane can only fly when it contains human blood.
%
I've been trying to leave Rome for a week now.
But all their roads have this weird design flaw.
%
My wife made coffee and winked at me when she handed me the cup.
I've never been more scared of a drink in all my life.
%
I am not a <b>complete</B> idiot. A few parts are missing.
%
Those who can, do; those who can't, write.
Those who can't write ... work for the government.
%
I once had a job as an editor.
But I was fired for no raisin.
%
She states that I;m doing nothing.
She says that like it's a bad thing.
%
I was with him when he died. Sad.
But if the cops ask, I was with you.
%
We didn't have all this <i>social media</i> when I was young.
We had to talk nonsense to each other <i>face-to-face</i>.
%
I believe I'd be happier if I had worked harder,
invested more wisely, &ensp;and inherited millions.
%
I don't need a warning label. You've seen my other jokes.
%
My wife asked me to pick up our 6-year old after school.
Silly me, I thought she meant after <i>high</i> school.
%
I swapped my resolution for "Buns of Steel" to "Buns of Cinnamon".
%
Sometimes one's commitment to marriage means being non-committal.
%
It turned out to be a good day!
I got away with more than I didn't.
%
In the years before the internet much of the world was ignorant.
With the advent of the internet, most of the world is misinformed.
%
The Russian police arrest a man. He yells, "But I voted for Putin!!"
The police respond, "Lies! Nobody voted for Putin."
%
<b>Antistalking</b> (V.) Learning a person's routine in order to avoid them.
%
I want someone to love and accept me for who I pretend to be on the internet.
%
How do nudists clean their glasses?
%
Teacher, "Name a country without the letter R in it."
Student, "No&nbsp;way!"
%
A robber attempted a stick-up using a glue gun.
%
My friend says his body is a temple.
As for me, my body is a bouncy house.
%
The taxi driver said, "I love my job. I'm my own boss. Nobody tells me what to do."
Then I said, "Turn left here."
%
Lapland is very sparsely populated.
In fact, there are 4 Lapps to the mile.
%
Almost every Skoda car has a 'Czech Engine' problem.
%
There were times that I poured my mom a glass of wine ---
before I related what happened at school that day.
%
There's a "Darth Vader Steak" on the menu.
It's always on the dark side.
%
My sister claims she's a "influencer".
But I see her more as a "provocateur".
%
I've never been able to understand women.
I think it would be best if I stopped trying.
%
Seems my cash flow is just a little squirt.
%
There's no way I'll ever feel "100%".
My health insurance only covers 65%.
%
My ex used to be in my heart.
Then she became a blocked artery.
%
When I think of the 80s, I always think of a boom box.
Maybe that's just a stereo type.
%
Gray is a color; and grey is a colour. Got it?
%
My geometry teacher had a pet parrot she named Polygon.
%
The auto body shop I use is highly wreck-a-mended.
%
In boot camp I endured training that included pepper spray.
Which, I'm sure, makes me a seasoned veteran.
%
When some people discover the truth,
they just can't understand why everybody isn't eager to hear it.
%
Never draw what you can copy.  Never copy what you can trace.
Never trace what you can cut out and paste down.
%
I probably need a new life coach.
I believe mine is ghosting me.
%
If you do not listen to the news, you are uninformed.
If you listen to FOX news, you are misinformed.
%
Fun Fact:
There are more airplanes in the ocean than submarines in the sky.
%
Fun Fact:
You can see space from The Great Wall Of China.
%
THIS TOO SHALL PASS
Maybe like a kidney stone, but...
%
The naked man fears no pickpocket.
%
I found an online source for great sausage.
I'll send you a link.
%
At my last colonoscopy they asked if I had dentures.
Gee, I hope the scope doesn't go that far!
%
The invention of the jackhammer was groundbreaking.
%
If a person was insane, would they know they were insane?
Asking  for a friend.
%
Oh! The aches and pains.
At my age, ibuprofen doesn't even know where to begin.
%
These days the only thing 'real' in this world is "pretense".
%
To everyone that wrote "Stay Cool" in my yearbook...
You'd better sit down; I have some terrible news.
%
I'm an introvert. All the letters in my name are silent.
%
I like being a dentist because I like making children cry.
They don't allow that as a regular doctor.
%
"No thanks, I'm a vegetarian" is the fun thing to say when someone tries to hand you a baby.
%
If you were born in the 80s &amp; raised in the 90s, and made it through 2020,
you lived in 4 different decades, 2 different centuries, 2 different millennia, a worldwide pandemic,
and you weren't even 40 yet.
%
I'm really glad I learned all about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes.
It's really come in handy now that it's parallelogram season.
%
It's a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar, but it's a 45 minute walk back home.
The difference is staggering.
%
Fun Fact:
Many archaeologists are women due to their ability to dig up the past.
%
Some people can wake up feeling like a million bucks.
I usually wake up feeling like insufficient funds.
%
My wife looks like a million bucks. All green and wrinkly.
%
The package of 10 asparagus actually held 11.
It was just a spare, I guess.
%
Raining cats and dogs can be bad enough; but hailing taxis?!?!
%
I learned to surf in boarding school.
%
It would be a complete waste of time to scare me silly.
There would be absolutely no distinction.
%
I was undecided, so I asked the waitress for some advice.
"Shorter haircut, some new clothes, and a gym membership"
%
I hate it when someone goes around spreading vicious truths about me.
%
I wonder if the turkeys pardoned by the president get survivor's guilt.
%
I tried a dating service 27 times and it was a huge mistake.
But I didn't realize it until I married him.
%
There's an Uber-like service for senior citizens.
It's called Oldsmobile.
%
ASAP can also mean As Slow As Possible.
%
My last bowl of alphabet soup was all in cursive.
%
My wife wants to renew our vows.
Wait! Are they expiring??
%
My co-worker probably inflated his resume.
It's had a slow leak since he hired on..
%
It probably just seems like more work,
when firefighters blow out their own birthday candles.
%
I'm reading some alternate childhood stories to my kid.
For instance: "The Little Engine That Could&emsp;Not&emsp;Care&emsp;Less"
%
Just wondering... Does an autopsy hurt.
%
I wouldn't call it procrastination.
I just wait until the last minute -- when I'll be older and  wiser.
%
Pretty sure the guy who named the Sperm Whale wasn't allowed to name things after that.
%
The guy I was dating drove a Mercedes-Benz.
Eventually I learned he was sleeping in it.
%
I like to make sure my wife wakes up every morning with a smile.
However, I'm no longer allowed to use Sharpies.
%
The effects of inflation can be cruel.
Seems like just yesterday all the Dime Stores became Dollar Stores.
%
I keep my mind sharp with cuss word puzzles.
%
I just might have a disorder instead of a philosophy.
Maybe I should let them run those tests.
%
I just completed an online life assessment.
Supposedly I'm deceased.
%
I wake up everyday with good intentions.
But then I get up and it all goes wrong.
%
Halfway down the ski slope,
I realized I was not the master of my destiny.
%
One of my wishes:
Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer a bore talks to you.
%
So many of my friends are aging like fine wine.
Me? I'm aging like a fine banana.
%
Supposedly mirrors don't lie. I'm just glad they don't laugh.
%
Old people are looking younger &amp; younger to me.
%
I'm an Old Fashioned guy&emsp;and, yes, I'll have another one.
%
It is said that "Every day is a gift".
Tell me where I can return this one!
%
There's something intoxicating about drinking 14 beers.
%
I think the folks in congress should wears badges
of the corporations that sponsor them ... like NASCAR.
%
I chuckle every time I visit the Girls Scouts website
and they remind me that they use cookies.
%
The most dangerous kind of canoes are volcanoes.
%
I don't need a mood ring.&ensp;I have a face!
%
My joints now creak louder then any stairs I might be on.
%
A dictator walks into a bar --- and orders everyone around.
%
A local man was arrested for stealing helium balloons.
The police held him for a while then let him go.
%
I just turned 40 and didn't much obsess about it
--- until my son pointed out it's <b>XL</b> in Roman numerals!
%
In these times everyone is biting the bullet and grinding their teeth.
It's great times for orthodontists.
%
Why do women always make me feel like I walked into the middle of a movie?
%
The bad news is I'm being audited, my car was stolen, and my house was repossessed.
The good news is&ensp;that's it for the bad news.
%
I received a ticket for careless parking.
I ran over a meter maid.
%
They call it "golf" because "F$X#@!!" was already taken.
%
My vet refuses to treat grizzly bears unless they're given a STRONG anesthetic.
There's safety in numb-bears.
%
Growing up there was a Cody in every elementary school class.
Now that I'm an adult I haven't met a Cody in years. Where'd they all go?
%
My wife calls it weird that I stand at the window during heavy rainstorms.
It would be a lot less weird if she would just let me in
%
You can shove a lot of squirrels into those bank pneumatic tubes,
before the teller finds the shut-off switch.
%
I heard that the Canadian Prime Minister resigned.
I don't know if it's Trudeau.
%
My wife turned down a invite to a nudist wedding.
She didn't have anything nice to take off.
%
My brother-in-law finally landed a job.
He's the proofreader at the <b>M&amp;M</b> candy plant.
%
If vertical lines make you look thinner,
why do women hate stretch marks?
%
I never got a motorcycle; it was too dangerous.
My wife said if I got one, she'd kill me.
%
My wife accused me of pushing all her buttons.
No so. I was just looking for the "MUTE" button.
%
She's an outside cat when she's in,
and an inside cat when she's out.
%
At first I was excited to find a book titled "HOW TO HUG".
Then I realized it was volume nine of the dictionary.
%
Sure, I want to settle down.
But first I want to get married a few times.
%
I never make a Big Deal about New Year's.
It just means 52 more Mondays!
%
If February is the dead of winter,
then January is the hospice of winter.
%
My daughter says she wants to work for the postal service.
I'm surprised that she'd tolerate a mail dominated environment.
%
Got a text from my wife, "I'm breaking up with you!"
A followup text was a great relief, "Sorry. Wrong number."
%
My new girlfriend and I have a lot in common.
Memory issues, doctors, hearing aids, medications...
%
I'm still upset that the developer of the GIF image standard
decided to pronounce it "gif" instead of "gif".
%
It's really not true that "A picture is worth a thousand words".
I've encountered several artists with a very limited vocabulary.
%
I have a 4-digit PIN securing my 2-digit bank account.
%
Sometimes I flirt just to see if I still got it.
Seems I don't.
%
Don't let anyone else ruin your day.
It's <b>your</b> day.&ensp;Ruin it yourself.
%
I taught sign language to a classmate.
I had a hand in his education.
%
Stop complaining about your life.
There are people literally living in New Jersey.
%
I've taken up sign language.
I can tell jokes nobody has ever heard.
%
By working faithfully eight hours a day,
you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve.
%
Why are they called waiters if I do all the waiting.
%
The first rule of the Introvert Club is that there is no Introvert Club.
%
I just spent 6 hours scrolling through social media.
I'm studying for my Disassociates Degree.
%
Headphones are not enough.
I need to mute my thoughts.
%
If someone tried to make me dig my own grave, I'd refuse.
I'd rather die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.
%
For me, working out is like doing drugs.
I don't do drugs
%
According to the latest report, there was no truth in any of the earlier reports.
%
It ain't over until it's over.
-- Casey Stengel
%
To err is human.&ensp;To forgive is beyond the scope of management.
%
It is easier to change the specifications to fit the project than vice versa.
%
I've been married so long my wife actually finishes my sentences.
Mostly with things I would never, ever say.
%
I often self-medicate&ensp;--&ensp;with chocolate.
%
At my age "Friends With Benefits" means he can drive at night.
%
Have to be sensitive... "Good morning!" to those of you who celebrate it.
%
The alphabet soup at the local cafe is missing a number of letters.
Management learned that staff had been spelling out obscenities.
%
My scratches prove that what I call "cuddling",
my cat calls a "near-death experience".
%
In many sports they throw the ball into the crowd when they win.
That's not done in competitive bowling.&ensp;I&nbsp;know that now...
%
There's no reason to tailgate me when I'm doing 50 in a 35 zone.
And those flashing lights on top of your car look ridiculous.
%
If Satan wore a hair piece&ensp;...&ensp;would there be Hell Toupee?
%
When I was young we would doodle on our school desks, not on our arms and faces.
%
Maybe every country in the world has ninjas.
But we only know of the Japanese ninjas because they're the worst?
%
OK. I apologize for what I said. I'm not sorry, but I do apologize.
And if you're offended, imagine what I was keeping in my head.
%
<b>Judo</b> (N.), The art of throwing clothes on the floor while people are wearing them
%
Part of my diet plan is to stop eating deli meats.
It's going to be hard to quit cold turkey.
%
Interest free banking:
"I'd like to open an account."&ensp;"Who cares?"
%
My girlfriend left me because I was too focused on conspiracies.
I wonder what she really meant by that?
%
The secret to our marriage is that we go out several times a week.
She goes out on Tuesday and Thursday. I go out on Wednesday and Friday.
%
Adam and Eve had a perfect marriage.
He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married.
And she didn't have to hear about his Mom's cooking.
%
The doctor said, "Your wife is having quadruplets."
That was my fourwarning.
%
It's weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything,
and another hand that can't even hold a pencil.
%
My date last night was quite a doll!
Yep. Half Barbie. Half Voodoo.
%
I always forget the difference between entomology and etymology.
Which bugs me in ways I can't put into words.
%
I don't believe the world is growing more idiots.
It's just all the current ones have much bigger, louder platforms.
%
There's always an upside. Like if you fall through the seat in the outhouse?
You're in for a soft landing.
%
I need to learn about octopuses and squids.
I'd better get kraken.
%
All of my antiques were new when I bought them.
%
I tried hearing aids once. But I realized that what I <i>think</i> folks are saying
is way more interesting than what they are actually saying.
%
I did not enter the Self Deprecation Contest.
I didn't believe I would measure up.
%
Alcohol increase the size of the [SEND] key by 89%.
%
I'd never make a New Year's resolution.
It would just go in one year and out the other.
%
I accidentally took my cat's medication.
Don't ask meow. But I'm feline good.
%
My super power is inertia.
You'll understand if you ever try to get me moving.
%
Life is like a helicopter.
I dunno how to operate a helicopter.
%
I saw two guys wearing matching outfits, and I asked if they were gay.
They arrested me.
%
New York is where the big apple is, and Minnesota is where Minneapolis.
%
The shop called and said they'd checked my car from "A" to "Z".
They also said I new a whole new alphabet.
%
We can't find either one.
I think our Roomba ran off with the self-propelled lawn mower.
%
A kidnapper walks up to his target, holds out a white cloth, and asks,
"Excuse me, does this smell like chloroform to you?"
%
15 + 15 is thirty.&ensp;And, 16 + 16 is thirty too.
%
Fewer and fewer people are buying into religion.
Prophets are down.
%
If you teach a wolf to meditate, he becomes aware wolf.
%
People who take naps are the real heroes.
It takes courage to wake up twice in one day.
%
Whoever named them "Urinal Cakes" and not "Pisquits" was just too timid.
%
A good carpenter will nail things in place.
Me? I just screw it up.
%
I'm so addicted to chocolate that my pronouns are her/she.
%
We just got a busybody doctor in the ER.
They call her the Trauma Queen.
%
My uncle died of a Viagra overdose.
It took us three days to close the coffin lid.
%
I tried to sneak into a Star Trek convention in disguise.
But the security guard knew I was not the Real McCoy.
%
The reason that every major university maintains a department of mathematics
is that it's cheaper than institutionalizing all those people.
%
My boss informed me the company is going in a different direction.
And that I, too, am going in a different direction --- out.
%
I was told I have the potential of being a great manager someday.
I just need to shed my nasty ethics principles.
%
My family was so cheap. My dog was a Bronze Retriever.
%
I jot down my thoughts in a journal every day.
Mostly because I'd be in trouble if I said them out loud.
%
He who laughs,&ensp;lasts.
%
You can't fix stupid.
But you can watch it everyday on social media.
%
Well, the cleaners <i>did</i> get the stain out.
I just wish it hadn't involved scissors...
%
When I was a young man I was a workaholic.
Thankfully, I am now fully recovered.
%
I once had hopes and dreams.
Now I have only reality.
%
I'm often confused between "entomology" and "etymology".
Guessing it wouldn't be an issue if I was an etymologist.
%
"Listen carefully as our options have changed."
<b>WHEN</b> have they ever changed?
%
If two is a company, and three is a crowd, what are four and five?
Nine
%
If it's one for the money, and two for the show, what are three and four?
Seven
%
"Last minute shopping" is a 'thing' -- that I understand.
But I can't abide my wife's "Last Dollar Shopping".
%
My sister-in-law just announced that she got a great deal on a used husband.
%
Police are looking for a burglar with one eye.
Wouldn't it be more effective to use both eyes?
%
You can't be a "pacifist" without a "fist".
%
We were considering divorce, but we stayed together because of the kids.
He didn't want them, and neither did I.
%
A Lot: The collective noun for a group of auctioneers.
%
We suggest you just sit there and wait till life gets easier.
%
New Christmas songs are just not as good as the old ones.
<font size=5>&#9836;</font>&emsp; Chestnuts roasting in a microwave...&emsp;<font size=5>&#9834;</font>
%
It's important to elect experienced politicians.
Maybe they'll recognize their mistakes when they make them again.
%
The tasks you're supposed to do go on your To-Do List.
The rest go on your Chuck-List.
%
Last year I bought my mother-in-law a cemetery plot for her birthday.
This year I didn't get her anything -- she still hasn't used the gift from last year.
%
My ex had a parrot. Damn creature would never shut up!
Parrot was quiet though.
%
COVID-19 jokes can be tasteless.
%
I just saw a man with tears streaming from his eyes.
I think that was the Town Crier.
%
I surprised my wife by getting romantic last night.
My best Scrabble score ever.
%
<b>Toadstool</b> (N.), Frog poop
%
If I got 50 cents for every failed math exam, I'd have $6.30 now.
%
People who take care of chickens are literally chicken tenders.
%
The soldier who survived both mustard gas and pepper spray is a seasoned veteran now.
%
The only thing that flat-earthers fear is sphere itself.
%
We rarely hear about the 8th dwarf, Creepy.
%
My wife installed a pregnancy tracking app some months back.
It's now giving her push notifications.
%
In years past I would refer to my knees as 'left' and 'right'.
Now they're 'the bad' and 'the worse'.
%
Did you know that Spider-man has his own web page?
%
Supposedly "Gaslighting" was named Word Of The Year in 2022.
I believe they just made that up.
%
My wife and I really do speak the same language.
Only she uses a lot more words.
%
I tried to attend a Couch Potato Support Group meeting.
But it was standing room only.
%
A 60-year-old millionaire married a 25-year-old model.
He lied about his age. Told her he was 90.
%
My son has started chewing on cables.
I grounded him until he conducts himself properly.
%
It's a fallacy to think that virgin wool comes from ugly sheep.
%
If I had a nickel for every time someone mentioned my OCD,
I'd have forty six dollars, eighty five cents.
%
I'll never forget the day when I was diagnosed with OCD.
Sunday, 21st March 2015, 4 minutes and 23 seconds past 4 PM.
%
A lot of neuroatypicals work in the biomedical industry.
So, in reality, autism causes vaccines.
%
Greek mythology always was my Achilles Elbow.
I fear that may have opened a Pandora's Labyrinth.
%
I came in second in a contest to name a star.
At least I received a constellation prize.
%
You can't spell "customer" without an "M-E".
But, you also can't spell "waiter" without a 'W-A-I-T'.
%
"Buy land. They've stopped making it."
-- Mark Twain
%
I sure hope St. Peter knows how to handle claims adjusters.
They should be not eligible because of a preexisting condition.
%
The Navy's Submarine Warfare School has one very firm rule.
Your student computer password <b>cannot</b> be "ping"!
%
Everything being made up of atoms and math is just too suspicious.
%
Just once I wish my monthly income would last until my monthly out-go.
%
My wife and I went out last night actually talked to each other.
Eventually they fixed the elevator.
%
How does a person run away with the circus?
<font size="2">Asking for a friend...</font>
%
My lawyer discovered a fly in his soup.
"Clearly an illegal gag order", he said.
%
After the first two wise men presented their gifts,
the third wise man spoke up, "But, wait! There's myrrh!!"
%
Supposedly I have boundary issues.
That's what my roommate's diary claims.
%
The interview committee said my communication skills were lacking.
I honestly don't know what to say.
%
I've often exhorted how stupidly dangerous Russian roulette is.
But it goes into one ear and comes out of the other.
%
It is well known that research causes cancer in rats.
%
My congressman has an incredible speechwriter.
One speech recently won a prize for best fiction writing.
%
Flashlights are tubular metal containers for the purpose of storing dead batteries.
%
Around here they have a cute name for sushi.&ensp;Bait.
%
“Please, please marry me!”, he begged. "If you refuse me, I'll die!!”
She refused him,&emsp;and 60 years later,&emsp;he died.
%
I received a gift basket from my psychiatrist.
It was shrink wrapped.
%
I'm almost certain I have a brain tumor.
But the doctors say it's all in my head.
%
There are men that know everything there is to know about marriage.
And everyone one of them is single.
%
My brother-in-law will open his mouth just to change whichever foot was previously in there.
%
My granddad developed cancer after college.
Some think he was the most evil scientist ever.
%
There's a village somewhere looking for my idiot sister-in-law.
%
I was excitedly happy when I stepped on the bathroom scale this morning.
Them my wife explained "<b>LOW</b>" means it needs new batteries.
%
I don't believe in reincarnation.
But apparently, I did in my last life...
%
Normally, as they say, "A home is a man's castle."
Except when my mother-in-law visits. Then it's "A man's home is his hassle."
%
A bad day for an ancient Roman: Crappie Diem
%
The facial recognition system in congressional halls tags many politicians as criminals
I think the system is working!
%
She. "I think we'd have less arguments if you weren't so pedantic."
Me, "I think you mean <i>fewer</i>."
%
I received a promotional pack of playing cards made by the Post-It folks.
I can't deal with it.
%
I loved my first teacher, Ms. Turtle.
Unusual name but she tortoise well.
%
To a snowman a carrot cake must taste like boogers.
On second thought, maybe it snot funny.
%
Once worked as a butcher. Was fired cause I couldn't cut it.
%
Being interested in astrology, I asked mom what sign I was born under.
She said, "It was <b>NO PARKING.</b>"
%
I tried to write a joke about plagiarism once, but I couldn't think of anything
So I just copied this from somewhere.
%
As I poured her drink, I said, "Say when..."
She replied, "After this drink."
%
One man's "magic" is another man's engineering.
-- Robert Heinlein
%
My wife's car is just a big purse on wheels.
%
How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One to hold the unicorn and one to fill the bathtub with Scrabble tiles.
%
Some days I just sit quietly and ponder some of life's great puzzles.
Is there a god? Is there life on other planets? Where are the cookies?
%
Long ago I thought this would be my Dream Job.
Ironic! I haven't gotten much sleep since.
%
They know me quite well down at the soda shop.
My Metamucil float comes just as I sit down.
%
Gardening is such a great activity.
And the gloves keep you from using your cellphone.
%
I've been worried that my memory has been getting worse each year.
My doctor said, "Nah. Just forget about it."
%
It's been extremely cold lately.&emsp;"How cold is it?"
There's a small group of penguins at my bird feeder.
%
There is this one family crypt at the cemetery where,
on a real quiet night, you can still hear the political bickering.
%
Humans eat more bananas than monkeys.
Obviously. Most grocery stores don't even sell monkeys.
%
I played the part of a husband in our Senior High school play.
It wasn't a speaking part...
%
Every year my brother would send a letter to Santa.
But he would always address it to the <i>South</i> Pole.
%
When he stoops to that kind of language, I have to wonder.
Does he have a weak argument ... or a weak vocabulary?
%
I rarely get headaches.&ensp;But I do <i>give</i> them.
%
She always complained that I bought clothes for her that were sized too small.
So I switched to gift cards --- and she still complains that they are too small.
%
What an awful year this week has been!!
%
"pre" means before and "post" means after.
Using both at the same time would be preposterous.
%
I had a wooden car. Wooden engine, wooden doors, wooden wheels, wooden seats...
Wooden start.
%
I was curious what prevented us from having a second date.
Turns out the reason was the first one.
%
Arizona has mirages.&emsp;Alaska has Aleutians.
%
If entropy is increasing, where is it coming from?
%
The herd instinct among economists makes sheep look like independent thinkers.
%
If you had told me 10 years ago I would end up rich and retired,
I'd have said you were crazy.&ensp;And I would be right.
%
Charles Schulz said, "Happiness is a warm puppy."
For me, it's a hot dog.
%
When a snowman throws a tantrum it would be called a meltdown.
%
Two snowmen in the front yard.
One turns to the other and says, "Do you smell carrots?"
%
"On the Commodity Exchange today:
"Helium was up.&ensp;Feathers were down.&ensp;And Paper was stationery."
%
The #1 sign that your relationship is over is
asking if there are signs that your relationship is over.
%
Sheesh!! This new generation!
If they do rewrite history, it will be rife with misspellings and obscure acronyms.
%
The only time she says I'm right is when I admit I'm wrong.
%
Madonna's boyfriend is 38 years younger, and Cher's boyfriend is 42 years younger.
Still single? Relax, your boyfriend has not yet been born!
%
Towards the end, my grandfather was confined to a wheelchair.
After that he went downhill very quickly
%
My friend, "When I eat alphabet soup, I only eat the vowels.”
Me, "Why?"&emsp;Friend, "Sometimes."
%
My mom tells everyone I loved alphabet soup as a kid,
Not true! She is just putting words in my mouth.
%
My mom fed me so much alphabet soup that I developed irritable vowel syndrome.
%
I run a specialty service that weighs microscopic objects.
It's a small scale operation.
%
Reality TV:
Shows about people who have never lived a day in reality.
%
If grass stains are so hard to get out,
why do you never see cows with green lips?
%
I've crossed so many things off my Bucket List this year.
They're not things I've <i>done</i>. They're things I've given up on.
%
There are no stupid questions.
But I see a lot of stupid people asking questions.
%
CraigsList ad: Parachute for sale. Never opened. Slight stain.
%
If at first you don't succeed -- then skydiving isn't for you
%
I quit drugs a few years ago and took up mountain climbing.
The highest I've ever been?  I once had a 20 minute conversation with my microwave.
%
IT'S CALLED A <b>JOKE</b>.
We used to tell them before everyone got offended by everything.
%
My son made up his birthday wish list.
It was a page-full of QR codes.
%
I much preferred it when old age was all in my mind and not in my joints.
%
My son and I had our little sex talk.
He was quite informative.
%
As they say, "This, too, shall pass."
'They' being gastroenterologists.
%
I'm only taking the city bus to work until I have enough money to buy my own bus.
%
Wait Training:
"Please hold for the next available agent."
%
Hotel guest calls the front desk, "Hey. I gotta leak in the sink."
The front desk, "The customer is always right. Go ahead."
%
If I could choose my superpower, it would be invisibility.
I just want to make myself clear.
%
Space cowboys wrangle cattle with a tractor beam.
%
I feel bad for all the poor dwarfs.
They  struggle to put food on the table.
%
The chicken crossed the road to see if the egg got there ahead of her.
%
It takes 9 months to create a baby.
But it feels like a maternity.
%
I have a wisdom tooth that smarts.
%
Moses was the world's first Tech Geek.
Yeah, he downloaded a document from the Cloud to his tablet.
%
My hometown was incredibly laid back,
We had a <b>9-1-0 System</b> for vexations.
%
I said, "I could really go for you."
She said, "OK. How about New Jersey."
%
My weight goes up and down like a yo-yo.
Like a VERY <i>BIG</i> yo-yo.
%
"Rise and Shine!"&ensp;Ha!!&ensp;Sounds too much like multi-tasking!
%
Robber, "Give me your money or you're geography!”
Victim, "Don't you mean history?”&ensp;Robber, “Don't change the subject!"
%
I looked up "altercation" in a thesaurus.
Those're fighting words!
%
I'm so old that I learned sign language in cursive.
%
There are a vermilion shades of red.
%
In college I rented a crappy apartment with five foot high ceilings.
I could not stand living there.
%
Prosthetic noses are made in an olfactory.
%
Horseback riding?. What other part of the horse would you ride on?
%
Hot water heater?&ensp;Is there really a need to heat hot water?
%
Why is it called a 'tuna fish sandwich'?
Nobody ever says 'chicken bird sandwich'.
%
My office is having a photo contest, but it rules out anything 'cat'.
That eliminates everything on my phone.
%
The Soup du Jour was Alphabet Soup.
But it was heavily redacted.
%
I never seem to be on Santa's Nice List.
But I often make it to his Naughty-But-With-An-Excuse List.
%
Being a senior citizen is not as concerning as is the graduation.
%
Reports of a big food fight at local Seafood Diner.
There was battered fish everywhere
%
I started dating my next-door neighbor.
We have a lawn distance relationship.
%
My neighbor was walking two dogs.&ensp;I said, “I didn't know you had dogs.”
He said, “Not my dogs. They're my sister's.”&ensp;I said, “Oh. Your sisters are ugly!”
%
I shaved off 4 minutes from my 5k record!
Last time I gave up after 10 minutes; this time after only 6.
%
My boss asked me to come in on my day off because they were short staffed.
I said, "Hire taller people", and hung up.
%
Some people pray for more than they are willing to work for.
%
Computers don't actually think. You just think they think. (We think.)
%
<b>Information</b> (adv.), How military bands march.
%
Just once I'd like to see a warning label that says,
"May cause weight loss, improved alertness, and increased energy."
%
I once tried to achieve a Black Belt in Karate.
I've settled for an elastic belt I got in Walmart.
%
My sister-in-law's pudding always needs some tenderizer.
%
What rhymes with orange.
No it doesn't.
%
The U.S. healthcare system.
That's it. That is the joke.
%
A local restaurant has a clown fish entree on the menu.
I'm told it tastes kind of funny.
%
A "Group" is 3 or more, and a group of crows is called a "murder".
Two crows, then, are just attempted murder.
%
My neighbor turns on the parking lights of all his junk cars on festive occasions.
%
I really care about universal health care.
I'm a bleeding gums liberal.
%
I toured a pickle packing plant to see how it's done.
It was jarring.
%
I once dated a girl named Miranda Wrights.
Most everything I said, she would use against me!
%
My bank should do a better job of servicing their ATMs.
Almost every time I am told there are "Insufficient Funds".
%
What you never want to hear from your surgeon:
"I'm sorry. It looked way easier on YouTube."
%
Of course the earth is round!
If it were flat, cats would've pushed everything off the edges by now.
%
If a mime falls in the forest &amp; there <i>is</i> someone there to see it,
does it make a noise?
%
Getting out of bed was harder as a teenager,
but at least it did not hurt!
%
Now that the election is over,
they'll raise taxes, the debt ceiling ... and their salaries.
%
I can top <i>that</i> with something even worse!
That would be having your ex's name tattooed on your body.
%
My job is located where The Declaration Of Independence was signed.
At the bottom.
%
I wonder if infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
%
I never wanted a motorcycle in my youth.
I was born to be mild.
%
While in town I saw an obese person fall.
I didn't laugh but the sidewalk cracked up.
%
Our government is first-rate and uses our tax dollars efficiently.
That's it. That's the joke.
%
Somebody ought to cross ball point pens with coat hangers.
That-a-way the pens will multiply instead of disappearing.
%
Every birthday my mother-in-law gives me a new wallet.
And it's always empty.
%
The Bible commands us to honor our mothers and fathers.
As for brothers and sisters ... "Thou shalt not kill."
%
Now that I'm older, I finally know what I want to be.
Younger.
%
I took a trip to the other side of the equator.
Weird! Their moon is just like the one back home!
%
!! ERROR !!
The password you entered is already in use by 'sysadmin'. Try another.
%
I surprised my wife by bringing a mime home for dinner.
She was speechless!
%
I consider myself a master of bowling puns --- but I'll spare you.
%
The advantages of easy origami are twofold.
%
I checked out the pros and cons of owning a smart car.
What I would gain in mileage I would lose in masculinity.
%
I'll never again be allowed to do Christmas caroling in the psych ward.
Thinking back, "Do You Hear What I Hear" was a really poor song choice.
%
The local college is adding a seismology lab.
Groundbreaking is tomorrow.
%
The incoming administration will focus on the Three R's.
Revenge, Recrimination, and Retribution.
%
My mother-in-law visited us last week.
It was her annual trip to organize our kitchen cupboards.
%
Two tacos walk into a bar.
The bartender says, "We don't serve food here."
%
I said, "Give me a raise or I quit." He said, "Get back to work or you're fired."
It's pretty much the same with every yearly review.
%
The collective noun for a group of snakes is <u>not</u> a congress.
But, it ought to be.
%
I opened the birthday card and loads of rice fell out.
Thanks Uncle Ben.
%
I had difficulty using the ATMs in Korea and I didn't know the exchange rate.
I had won, but at what cost?
%
I did a theatrical performance on puns.
It was a play on words.
%
My Uncle Jack claims he can communicate with vegetables.
Yup, Jack and the beans talk.
%
Mount Rushmore was the very first rock group.
%
My siblings and I inherited dad's meat market.
We're now steak holders.
%
Life is not fair. I have a lousy job with my education.
It's a good thing I didn't waste my time going on to the 5th grade.
%
My therapist said I need to be more spontaneous.
I'll have to think about that...
%
My support group filed a restraining order against me.
%
I was being considered for a cabinet position.
Sadly there aren't enough skeletons in my closet!
%
Old mimes never die.
They just go on silent retreat.
%
I thought I'd try fasting.
Geez! The first 15 minutes are the hardest!!
%
I have the worst health insurance coverage.
They require copay for the tongue depressors.
%
My wife wants to know why the bills are piling up.
Well, dooh, the paper shredder is broken.
%
I dance like no one is watching. I sing that way, too.
%
I don't favor long engagements, nor lengthy divorces.
%
When my wife says she's going to change for dinner,
she is referring to her personality.
%
Most accidents in the home seem to happen because of a smart remark.
%
I've yet to hear the story about Noah and the two skunks.
%
One of the ways I know it's the holiday season is when
I need to make a karate shout to zip up my bluejeans.
%
Black Friday sales resulted in fights at the shirt shop.
There were casual Tees everywhere.
%
My mother's nursing home has a ledger labeled "Bowel Movements".
It is required to use a #2 pencil when logging entries.
%
A drunk walking the train tracks, “Man, this is a really long staircase.”
"And the handrail is killing my back!"
%
Have you heard the joke about gaslighting?
Oh, yes, you have!
%
Woman 1, "Whenever I'm down in the dumps, I get myself a new hat."
Woman 2, "Oh, so that's where you get them."
%
My ex-wife just texted "Wish you were here".
She was laying flowers for her parents in the cemetery.
%
I don't text. I don't TikTok. And I don't Tweet.
But under the right circumstances, I'll twerk.
%
There was a huge sale at the Lego store.
People were lined up for blocks!
%
They may not be able to create Shakespeare's works with 1,000, monkeys.
But I think I know where the new TV scripts are coming from.
%
I'm feeling pretty pumped!
I understood a reference in a "Saturday Night Live" skit.
%
I ate far too much over the holidays.
My face can no longer unlock my phone!
%
My father-in-law is throwing a tantrum over his new boat.
I think he needs to attend an anchor management class.
%
Cats know about keyboard shortcuts that even Microsoft doesn't know about.
%
Apparently wireless bras do not have internet connectivity.
%
You know you're getting old when the radio stations play crap music,
but the supermarkets are banging out those great oldies.
%
I put the "Disco" in "Discombobulated".
%
Traffic cop, "Why were you driving with a book in your hands?"
Driver, "Well, it's a long story..."
%
A warehouse worker was found under 1000 loaves of bread.
He was crust to death.
%
I saw a baguette in a cage. Apparently it was bread in captivity.
%
The invite said "black tie only".
But I saw other guests wearing other items of clothing as well.
%
I just bought flowers for my girlfriend and said I would deliver them myself.
They then asked if I would take six other deliveries they had for her.
%
Lately I've been thinking about setting aside more time for procrastinating.
%
My wife wants to go on a second honeymoon.
She's really infatuated with this new guy.
%
I walked into another room and <u>actually</u> remembered why I went in there.
Of course, it <i>was</i> the bathroom and I had help with my memory problem.
%
Apparently, if you treat some people the way they treat you,
they get offended!
%
I've informed the bank why I want to borrow the money.
Now I'm waiting for them to tell me why they want to lend it to me.
%
It's not my grip on reality that's troubling.
It's the grip that reality has <i>on me!</i>
%
They've come out with a new Taliban Barbie.
It's a blow up doll.
%
Each day, after the sunset is over, I'd like to see the blooper reel.
%
I'm just gonna relax and play with my smart phone,
and wait for the inevitable collapse of civilization.
%
We had a 13-lb turkey and 4 of us at the table.
Explain, please, how I could have 15 pounds of leftovers.
%
The end justifies the memes.
%
Boss, "Your performance has dropped off lately."
Me, "So, has it finally matched my salary?"
%
My wife wanted to go to that old bar and reenact our first date.
She walked up to me at the end of the bar and said, "Hey. Will you buy me a drink?"
I looked at her and said, "I ain't falling for that trick again!"
%
Sunday School: The collective noun for a group of Holy Mackerel.
%
We have a new local bakery, staffed by intellectually challenged workers.
It's called "Special Kneads".
%
Problem: Imported Chinese cotton swabs.
After all, you're not supposed to put foreign objects in you ears.
%
They were so unrelenting that I entered the Jehovah's Witness Protection Program.
%
My wife asked me to start treating her like I did when we first met.
So, I took her to dinner, then a movie, &ensp; and dropped her off at her parents.
%
My brother-in-law is agnostic.
But, he goes to church -- just in case.
%
I used to be a mean drunk with my whiskey drinking.
Then I switched to Canadian Whiskey and I'm now I'm a polite drunk.
%
There are days when it feels like I'm on the right track.
Then I realize I on the wrong !%^%$?# train.
%
Nothing beats starting the day with a good delusion!
%
My holiday yard decorations are not "still up from last year."
They are "already up for this year."
%
I truly am a self-made man.
But I'm unsure where the blueprints came from.
%
I'm trying to log in but I can't remember my fake birthday.
Nor my fake birth city.
%
I'm giving my wife a week in the Caribbean for the holidays.
My vacation will be having the house to myself for a week.
%
Management's parking lot is close.
I need to take a taxi from ours.
%
I'm at the age where I can remember things that might never have happened.
%
There are bakers ,&ensp;and then there are bakers.
Some knead the dough, and some just sit on their buns.
%
I'm thinking about becoming a third responder.
%
I saw a belt on Esty.com made of $100 dollar bills.
What a total waist of money!
%
You don't have to be Swiss to enjoy Toblerone ... but it Alps.
%
CBS now has has a news show for TikTok users.
It's called 60 Seconds.
%
I don't drink, smoke, chase women. In bed at 10 and up at 6.
But that'll all change when I get out of prison.
%
I just found my first grey hair today.
Just wish it wasn't in my Starbuck's coffee.
%
With my belly, when I get my shoes shined,
I have to take the guy's word for it.
%
On a cold winter morning the wife texts, "Windows frozen, won't open."
Husband texts back, "Pour some warm water over it."
Wife texts back, "Computer is really messed up now."
%
Every time you go to the gym, take a banana with you.
Otherwise ... it's just a fruitless exercise.
%
The cold air balloon was invented long before the hot air balloon.
But it never really took off.
%
There is no opinion so absurd that some politician will not express it.
%
Be sociable.
Speak with the people next to you in the unemployment line.
%
There is a solution to all the leaks in Washington&thinsp;:&ensp;Adult Diapers
%
Needing more exercise, last evening I went for a run.
Granted, it was a beer run. But still...
%
There are two levels of clean at my house.
There is 'Not Clean'. And there is 'Better Than It Was'.
%
I'm required to change my password at work again &amp; I can't use any old one.
So, I'm looking for a new job.
%
My blonde co-worker wants a new, bigger monitor.
She needs more room for her Post-Its.
%
My life seems to be like a roller coaster ride.
And I'm in the seat where the last guy threw up.
%
I prefer the British spelling of "diarrhea", which is "diarrhoea".
Mainly because it looks like you lost control of your vowels.
%
Vikings would plant grass over the roofs of their houses.
That was because they could not be seen by enemy aircraft.
%
Noah had a fascinating story ark.
%
It was suggested that I consider I might have tinnitus.
I think I've heard of it. It does ring a bell.
%
I got some recognition for letting my muscles deteriorate.
It was a trophy.
%
She says I neither turn her on, nor turn her off.
She claims I'm more like a steady drip.
%
I don't think my bedroom is messy.
I just keep everything on display.
%
I could've handled that mugger easily.
Except I was carrying my son's Silly String instead of my Mace.
%
A lot of women say their husbands never listen to them.
I'm proud to say I've never heard my wife say something like that.
%
I'm thinking about going to the Caribbean.
I thought about it last year, too.
%
My sister-in-law switched to a full-body deodorant.
And she certainly has the full body for it!
%
Once men understand why pizza is round, packed in a square box,
and eaten as a triangle, they will understand women.
%
Do you want to know the best part about being over 50?
We did all our stupid stuff before the internet. Hence no record -- no proof.
%
My jaw hurts!
I must be retaining anger.
%
I try doing everything in moderation.
But if you do <i>everything</i>, it's not moderation -- is it?
%
I've been in my current job position for 48 consecutive password changes.
%
My personality is who I am.
My attitude depends on who <i>you</i> are!
%
Our dog is just like one of the family.
But I'm just not sure who.
%
When you ask folks what they want to have when stranded on a desert island,
how come no one ever says "A boat"?
%
Grammar Pedants ?
I don't no what there problem is.
%
My own trail mix recipe "For Men 50+" :
Ibuprofen, Tylenol, Tums, Fish Oil &amp; Pretzels.
%
Today I joined the DNA.
The National Association of Dyslexics.
%
I actually don't mind her tattoos.
But she thinks I do, and that's pure Daddy Gold.
%
I've aged up into the 'Wonder Years'.
Wonder where my phone is. Wonder where my wallet is. Wonder what day it is. ...
%
Often, after I come out "Smelling Like A Rose", I feel so stinking bad.
%
The difference between a penny and ten dollars is just about ten dollars.
%
I was in a large study on sex and drugs in college.
Unfortunately I was part of the control group.
%
The senior dating world has different milestones.
Last night she asked me to be her Life Alert contact.
%
I often feel my life is like a hotel room and I have a faulty key card.
%
Don't bother asking me about my day.
Just leave it at the less said, the better.
%
I know I'll remember it when I'm thinking of something else..
You know you're old when you have to sneak up on your own brain.
%
Life is what happens between&ensp;naps.
%
My new girlfriend is very open-minded.
After just one date she thinks we're ready to see other people.
%
I can't discuss my childhood.
Before I left home they made me sign an NDA.
%
I like it when I'm supposed to fold the laundry and it's still wet in the dryer.
Its like the dryer is procrastinating with me!
%
Science tells us that light travels faster than sound.
That's why some folk appear to be bright until you hear them speak.
%
There are two ways to write error-free computer programs.
Only the third one works.
%
I tried one of these 'alternative milks'.
Don't know what a magnesia is, nor how you would milk it.
%
The best part of skiing is the chairlift ride.
It's all downhill after that.
%
It seems heredity runs in my family.
%
I'm pretty sure I'm the victim of identity theft.
My credit score has been bumped up by 90 points.
%
Never use a tattoo artist with a hearing problem.
"BORN TO THRILL" came out as "BORN TO GRILL".
%
My sister-in-law cooks a lot.
At least that's what she calls it.
%
The "P" in my name stands for "Patience".
Wait!! &ensp; There's no "P" in my name!
%
There's Good News and Bad News.
Bad News is she burned dinner.&ensp;Good News is it might taste better.
%
I pretty sure my brother-in-law doesn't like me.
He just told me to keep my grubby hands out of his fridge!
%
Sunday really <u>is</u> The Day of Rest.
Rest of the laundry, rest of the housework, and rest of all the other to-be-done crap.
%
If you're feeling paranoid, just know that you're not alone.
%
If I received a dollar for every woman who didn't find me attractive,
eventually I would have enough money for them to find me attractive.
%
Factoid: 50% of all doctors graduated in the bottom half of their class.
%
My "Get Up and Go" is most pronounced around midnight.
Then again at 3 AM, and finally again at 5 AM.
%
My sister-in-law caused a wreck because she was on social media.
She was driving under the influencers.
%
I like my coffee the way I like my men --
weak, lukewarm, easy to grind down, and decaffeinated so I'm not kept awake.
%
Little Known Fact: The two elephants on Noah's Ark gave us the Naval Term: "Poop Deck".
%
If you live in Nebraska, they're literally <u>both</u> north Dakotas.
%
Apparently telling your friend not to stress about their wedding
because "It's just your first marriage" is not the right thing to say.
%
Why is my lemonade made from artificial flavor,
and my furniture polish is made with real lemons?
%
A pedestrian was struck by a car and flew 10 feet in the air.
Ironically, he was ticketed for leaving the scene of an accident.
%
I now know how many celery stalks it takes to finish an entire jar of peanut butter.
%
How long do <u>you</u> keep a pair of jeans thinking you'll fit into them again?
For me it's been 30 years.
%
Help fight continental drift.
%
I've been dating a lady who works at the zoo.
Let me tell you -- she's a keeper.
%
Quotes by unknown authors are not to be taken seriously.
-- unknown
%
I was having a bowl of soup at an outdoor cafe, when it started to rain.
Took me two hours to finish that soup.
%
I can't emphasize enough my fear of public speaking.
I'd rather be in the casket than giving the eulogy.
%
I wonder when is the best time to tell my son he's adopted?
His new family will be here later this week..
%
I thought I heard a Timber Wolf howling last night.
It was just the neighbor passing a 1-pound kidney stone.
%
Our CEO lives in a very exclusive, gated community.
The fire hydrants are primed with Perrier.
%
One more bad decision and I think I'll have the complete set.
%
I bought a dozen donuts for the meeting.
Then I realized the meeting was on Zoom.
%
Well, I guess I was mistaken.
Speed dating does <u>not</u> involve taking Adderall before the meet-up.
%
The fella is in the hospital after a terrible accident with a wood chipper.
He is in rooms 32, 33, 34, and 35.
%
Of all the clever things I heard today,
that was, by far, the most recent.
%
We had a streaker in church on Sunday.
He was caught by the organ.
%
I wonder how many chefs were executed in medieval days
because the King's food taster had a food allergy?
%
A Penguin asks the bartender, "Have you seen my brother?"
Bartender says, "I dunno. What does he look like?"
%
Fifty years ago my class voted me "Most Likely To Never Let Things Go".
This really irritates me to this day!
%
Mechanical Engineers design weapons.
Civil engineers design targets.
%
I was voted "The Least Expressive Person Ever" in my class yearbook.
I can't tell you how proud I was.
%
I was going to join the Superiority Complex Support Group meeting.
But my problem is way bigger than that.
%
We just ate some hot dogs that were expired.
Wait! The ones we've eaten before were <b>alive?</b>
%
Other folks sometimes lose their way.&emsp;I often lose my why.
%
Boy!&ensp;Time flies when you're procrastinating.
%
I would like to take up a new hobby.
But one that wouldn't involve my credit card.
%
I guess I keep a messy yard.
The neighbors got us deleted from Google Earth.
%
"Eleven Plus Two" is an anagram for "Twelve Plus One".
%
Our CEO resents being called a "Fat Cat".
He prefers the term "Comfortable Kitty".
%
Earlier today I changed a light bulb, crossed the road, and walked into a bar.
My life&ensp;is a joke.
%
The person who can smile when something goes wrong
has thought of someone to blame it on.
%
I once started a course in Judo, but I never finished.
One could say I have a belt in partial arts.
%
Love is grand. And divorce is about thirty grand.
%
I'm so old my turn signal bulbs burn out frequently.
%
A pre-employment drug test wouldn't concern me,
as long as I have time to study for it.
%
A lost cat made it home after a journey of over 100 miles.
It must have heard the can opener.
%
I just knew school would be canceled, so I ignored my homework.
Sadly I learned you can't live like there's snow tomorrow.
%
Maybe I'm dating ladies too young for me.
During our date last she became the subject of an Amber Alert.
%
I'm so old that our phone only made phone calls.
And, it was restricted to one room in the house.
%
I just took a message from the Ghana Colleges.
They said, "Tell her the Pabst Beer is normal."
I didn't even know my wife liked beer.
%
I worked out that 1945 is as far from 2024 as 1945 is from 1866.
And now I'm going to lay down for awhile.
%
I went to the paint store to get thinner.
Did.&ensp;Not.&ensp;Work.
%
I was wondering how my friend's great-great-great-great grandpa is still alive.
Then I realized he has a stuttering problem..
%
My previous girlfriend would hoard magazines.
She had so many issues.
%
The new hire at the banana packing plant was soon fired.
He kept throwing out the bent ones.
%
She says she's looking for a man that can make her laugh.
That's me! All my dates laugh at me.
%
Irony. I got a ticket for "No Seat Belt" from a guy on a motorcycle.
%
Don't be part of the problem.
Be the <i>entire</i> problem.
%
If the washing machine doesn't have to be on "HEAVY DUTY",
then I doing it all wrong.
%
Eighty percent of husbands don't know why their wife is angry.
The other twenty percent <i>don't even realize</i> their wife is angry.
%
Husband, "I want you to have my grandmother's bracelet."
Wife, "Why does it say DO NOT RESUSCITATE?"
%
I brewed a pot of coffee using Redbull this morning.
Now I can see noises!
%
My brother-in-law just called.
He asked if I have an instruction manual for a toilet plunger.
%
Men have three fundamental hair styles.
Parted. Unparted. Departed.
%
Respect your grandparents.
They mage it through school without Google.
%
The first apple brought sin into the world.
The second apple brought gravitational force.
The third Apple totally spoiled human relations.
%
I've would never have re-homed any of my dog or cat pets.
But I did re-home one wife.
%
They say milk is good for your teeth.
So is minding your own damn business.
%
It's weird how 8 glasses of water per day seems so difficult.
But 8 glasses of wine is a snap.
%
After helping out my neighbor, she said, "I could marry you."
Unbelievable! You do something nice and they threaten to ruin your life.
%
Give a man a fish and he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish and he avoids yard work every weekend.
%
I ordered house numerals for my home at 960 Pine St.
They screwed up and sent me <b>6</b>, <b>0</b>, and <b>9 !</b>
%
I seem to have nothing in common with people who think before they speak.
%
The waiter suggested the vegan burger.
I proposed to pay with Monopoly money.
%
My grandson thinks "B.C." in year notation means "Before Cellphones".
%
A man who claims to be boss in his own home, will lie about other things, too,
%
Whoever put the "S" in FAST FOOD is a marketing genius.
%
I'm so old I fear going to antique auctions.
%
Your brain has 86 billion neurons.
Really makes you think.
%
Most serial killers are men.
Women like to kill one man slowly over many, many years.
%
I'll be composing a medley of dad jokes.
They'll be 100% home groan.
%
My insurance requires two doctors to diagnose arthritis.
They want a joint statement.
%
Women are now refusing to sleep with men.
Apparently, my wife predicted the election two years previously!
%
When you are young, you have two kidneys.
Then, when you grow up, you have two adult knees.
%
My wife had elbow surgery and I wrote a check to pay for it.
It's a joint account.
%
The quarterback suffered a shoulder injury.
It was announced in the doctors' joint statement.
%
At my last colonoscopy, everyone was dressed up as aliens.
%
My Uncle Nikolai owns a potato farm near Moscow, Russia.
We call him Spud Nick.
%
I have an addiction to cheese --- but only mild.
%
I recently tanked up, but the low fuel light is on.
I think my car is gaslighting me.
%
The First Rule of the Mime Club is:
"You don't talk about the Mime Club."
%
We have a new cafe: The Contrarian Cafe.
Everything tastes like chicken --- except the chicken.
%
I turned in my notice for retirement to HR.
They were surprised that I worked here!
%
Fishing: A jerk on one end of the line waiting for a jerk on the other end.
%
And here I thought the world ignored you after you hit 50.
Not so. Just today I received my 5th membership inquiry from AARP.
%
My hair and my lawn are both on a two-week schedule for a cut.
And they both also have a large bald spot.
%
My grandson and I enjoy video games together.
He always lets me lose.
%
I keep trying to finish that book on procrastination.
The over due fine is now in double digits.
%
Too late I learned that rice cakes don't contain any cake.
%
I changed my scale from pounds to kilograms.
I think I weigh less in kilos.
%
I stopped to admire a beautiful wheat field.
Sadly, all my pictures came out grainy.
%
My dog, Minton, ate all my shuttlecocks.
Bad Minton!
%
I asked my boss for a day off to visit my mother-in-law.
He said, "No."&ensp;  Whew&thinsp;!!
%
I asked my dad what was the strange device on his workbench.
"It's a stud finder", he said.&ensp; It wasn't pointing at either one of us.
%
"Barking up the wrong tree."
How you know your dog needs glasses.
%
I did a web search on my symptoms.
Seems I just need everyone to <b>back off&thinsp;!</b>
%
Some moron posted a live video of paint drying!
And it has 262,144 viewers! I can't wait to see how it ends!
%
The date my wife claims she was born and the date we got married are slowly converging.
%
My anatomy class had to assemble a human skeleton,
and I hid one of the arm bones as a joke. No one found that humerus.
%
Every video service is broadcasting Saturday college football these days.
I saw Catfish Community College versus Trout Creek Seminary on the Cooking Channel.
%
As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.
%
I just learned about confirmation bias
And yup, it's just as I thought.
%
We have a local taxidermist who specializes in large male deer.
Yup.  He's making the big bucks.
%
My brother-in-law quit his job at BMW recently.
It was a complete surprise --- there were no indicators
%
As a prank at the BMW plant, they send the new guy to get a box of turn signal bulbs.
%
<b>With my bare hands?!?!</b>
%
At my last doctor's visit, she wrote me a prescription for donuts.
I'll never doubt her again.
%
A local artist always claims he suffers for his art.
Apparently he wants us to as well,
%
My brother-in-law is ugly.
So ugly, he can't use facial recognition to unlock his phone.
%
My doctor said I was going deaf.
I haven't heard from her since.
%
When it comes to humility, I'm the greatest.
-- Bullwinkle Moose
%
I had a friend quit United Airlines.
It was not a scheduled departure.
%
Turn signals on a BMW are $8/month subscription -- and there are zero subscribers.
%
If you see a BMW using its turn signals,
call the cops and report a stolen BMW.
%
I paid cash to take an assertiveness training course.
I was afraid my wife would see the credit card bill.
%
If you want a free Porsche, get in touch with me.
It's nice to talk with folks with shared interests.
%
I don't even believe there <u>is</u> a National Skeptics Day.
%
Rough divorce! She got the Porsche.
I got the parking tickets.
%
My stock broker says my 401K is just "napping".
I wonder if it's even breathing.
%
I just registered all my single socks on Match.Com.
%
We were proud to watch our child go off to college.
But he'll be back. He's an Art History Major.
%
My girlfriend left me because I'm a compulsive gambler.
I bet I can win her back...
%
A Froth: The collective noun for a group of baristas.
%
It is not best to swap horses while crossing the river.
-- Abraham Lincoln
%
A pencil with two erasers would be pointless.
%
Now we know what borders stupidity.
Canada and Mexico!
%
Honestly, I thought the Dorito represented the food pyramid.
%
Yes!&ensp;I know I'm burning the candle at both ends!
I'm trying  to get more wax!!
%
The traffic court judge has a tip jar on his bench.
%
How can 2 bags of groceries turn into 4 bags of garbage?
%
I don't have siblings.
I'm up to date on all my vaccinations.
%
As an amateur scientist,
I will not rest until I find a cure for insomnia.
%
Blonde jokes are always short so men can remember them.
%
It's weird that we cook bacon --- and bake cookies.
%
I think calling yoga a sport is a stretch.
%
My boss won't let me take a lunch break.
She says she doesn't want to retrain me.
%
Sure, from time-to-time my wife and I "have words".
Well... She has words.&ensp;I can't get mine in edgewise.
%
WC Fields: A vast expanse of porta-pottys.
%
If money can't buy happiness, I guess you'll just have to rent it.
%
I told someone who I voted for and was defriended, detested, and blocked.
Yeah, my wife was really upset.
%
When the elections are over, a lot more will have been said than will be done.
%
I never seem to have enough to worry about.
And that worries me.
%
I'm writing Santa earlier this year.
There's lots of 'stuff' I need to explain.
%
The boss woke me up to ask if I would work some overtime.
%
A blonde who dyes her hair brunette is demonstrating Artificial Intelligence.
%
Why are divorces so expensive? Because they are worth it!
%
Cows kill more people than sharks.
Actually, I'm surprised that cows kill <i>any</i> sharks.
%
A million dollar windfall for a married man is wife changing money.
%
My brother-in-law doesn't have <i>that many</i> faults.
But he certainly makes the most of the ones he has.
%
Coffee was just voted as the favorite drink.
But it was close --- there were absent tea ballots.
%
Why do I always sleep at my desk?
Silly question. All the others are occupied.
%
My daughter likes to set up her dolls in courtroom scenes.
She calls them "class action figures".
%
I was curious about the English Channel.
But it's not included in our basic cable.
%
We have a new cafe in town: The Caddie Cafe
Their specialty is a Club Sandwich.
%
I need to make sure I have my coffee <b>first</b>!
This morning I put a pot holder in the toaster.
%
I was surprised to see a vehicle use its turn signals correctly.
I didn't realize self-driving vehicles had reached here yet.
%
My wife has already picked out a name for our next child.
She says, "After this one I'm calling it Quits."
%
I have no trouble rolling out of bed in the morning.
It's getting up off the floor that's hard for me.
%
Oh, sure! Our son is all cute and adorable now.
It's hard to believe that soon his college tuition will bankrupt us.
%
I cried while mowing the lawn.
I was going through a rough patch.
%
I attempted to measure the weight of my bad decisions,
but my scale couldn't handle the gravity of the situation.
%
Silk,&ensp; linen,&ensp; polyester,&ensp; satin,&ensp; lace,&ensp; felt&emsp;
Bear with us. We're trying out some new material here.
%
A group of crows attended a funeral.
It was a murder.
%
My sister-in-law demanded peace and quiet while preparing dinner.
So my brother remove the batteries from the smoke alarm.
%
Well that was certainly a wedding I'll never forget!&ensp; Try as I might.
%
Don't waste comfort food on a day when you already feel good.
%
It's great that I was born in the same city as my favorite sports team!
%
At my age the only part of my body that runs is my nose.
%
I'm hiding all that Halloween candy . . . badly.
%
All true wisdom is found on T-shirts.
%
Shouldn't take-out delivery drivers be allowed to use a siren?
%
How many Germans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One&thinsp;! &emsp; Why would you even ask that?
%
Animals have gotten way uglier now that makeup is no longer tested on them.
%
A man on death row was asked for his last wish.
He said he wants to see how "General Hospital" ends.
%
Life is not fair!
My lawyer is making parole before me!
%
God help those who do not help themselves.
%
If you need an ark, I Noah guy.
%
I was born into a family of magicians.
I have two half-sisters.
%
The mummy being examined at the museum holds a secret.
But it's being kept under wraps for now.
%
I wrote a book about lubricants.
You'll find it in the non-friction section.
%
I read a captivating book about adhesives,
I couldn't put it down.
%
Research reveals the hour a day you extend your life by working out,
is spent doing that workout.
%
After you've built a better mousetrap,
you'll find someone created a genetically smarter mouse.
%
Those that can - <i>cook</i>. Those that can't - <i>criticize</i>.
%
Every national election is in need of new cliches.
%
To convert dollars to pounds, visit a fast food joint.
%
The only person who always got his work done by Friday was Robinson Crusoe.
%
Did you hear the news about the glitter factory that blew up?
No, really?&ensp;It's all over town!
%
My mother had morning sickness <i>after</i> I was born.
-- Rodney Dangerfield
%
My sister-in-law collects antiques.
In fact, she's dating a guy twice her age.
%
My son almost caught a fish yesterday.
And I almost caught two.
%
I spent hours trying to do the crossword puzzle.
Then I discovered it was a QR Code!
%
My goal for next year will be to drink more water.
Small blocks of frozen water ... surrounded by scotch.
%
Dwarfs have the highest rate of depression.
In fact 6 out of 7 dwarfs are not Happy.
%
Arguing with someone who rejects the use of reason
is like dispensing medicine to the dead.
%
She said I meant the world to her.
But I know she flunked geography.
%
I bought a wig for just one dollar.
It was a small price toupee.
%
"Good grief! Is that a wig!?"
"Well, yes it is."
"Really? I couldn't tell."
%
One way to leave Vegas with 1 million dollars is to arrive with 2 million.
%
I was presented with a non-participation trophy
for refusing to participate in the participation trophy ceremony.
%
I wasn't laughing <i>at</i> you.
I was laughing <i>about</i> you.
%
I finally got around to calling the Procrastination Help Line.
And they <b>put me on hold!</b>
%
I not only have a family tree.
I also have an estranged bush.
%
His obituary mentions he is survived by 763 unread emails.
%
My therapist said I was carrying too much baggage.
So, she referred me to a chiropractor.
%
My sister-in-law's cooking skills are epic.
Last night she set off the smoke alarm <b>and</b> the sprinkler system.
%
Alcohol will not solve your problems,
but neither will water.
%
Due to the price of ammunition, do not expect a warning shot!
%
Ice Cream. You scream.
Cops come. It's awkward.
%
Food is an important part of a well balanced diet.
%
I was sure I had symptoms of brain cancer.
But it was all in my head.
%
My brother is a jogger and we make fun of him.
He is a running joke in our family.
%
She had me take off all my clothes, and she tied me to the bed.
And that's why we aren't allowed in IKEA anymore.
%
Jogging is teleportation with extra steps.
%
Sometimes I'll read a text and think, "What an idiot!"
But then I usually hit [SEND] anyway.
%
I believe I could spend the rest of my life with him.
But I'll check my lotto tickets one last time...
%
Gloves sure were a handy invention!
%
I told a joke to a cashier at the grocery.
It really didn't register.
%
The magazines in my chiropractor's waiting room are all back issues.
%
My car is in the shop and the mechanic called with some good news and bad news.
His bad news is it's gong to be costly. His good news is it's nothing <u>he</u> can fix.
%
There's nothing my boyfriend won't do for me.
And he does nothing for me all the time.
%
Contraceptive devices should be worn on every conceivable occasion.
%
As a teenager I was promised flying cars, colonies on the moon, and jet packs.
The present just isn't the future it was in the past.
%
Every pumpkin has a face inside it.
It is the task of the carver to discover it.
%
I like the solitude of a back country trail run.
But sometime the deer try to make eye contact.
%
I find self-deprecating humor to be difficult.
Mainly because I'm really bad at it.
%
I reset my car's GPS Voice to "Male."
Now it says, "It's around here somewhere. Keep driving."
%
A worker fell into a vat of varnish.
It was a horrible ending, but a lovely finish.
%
The restaurant sign said, "No shoes, no shirt, no service"
Apparently you also need to wear pants.
%
A friend confessed that he had a third nipple surgically removed.
I'm glad he got that off his chest.
%
My wife thinks our kids are spoiled.
But I think most kids smell that way.
%
At my age, the only athletic things I do is
jogging my memory and wrestling with my conscience.
%
My nephew has grown a foot since last summer.
They've had a helluva time finding three matching shoes.
%
If you choked a Smurf, what color would he turn?
%
I bought a pair of gloves and they were both left handed.
On the one hand it was great. But on the other hand it was just not right.
%
My ex-wife is a chiropractor.
She filed for joint custody.
%
If you ever want to succeed as a stage performer, you need to act now.
%
During my pizza order I was asked, "Four or eight slices?"
Simple. Four, because I could never eat eight.
%
I told my girlfriend that we needed to do something for Halloween.
So, she ghosted me.
%
On my pizza order I requested it be sliced once.
I'm on a diet and 8 slices would be too much.
%
Why did the Vegan cross the road?
To tell someone else they are Vegan.
%
A will is a dead give-away.
%
Nondeterminism means never having to say you are wrong.
%
It's a poor workman who blames his tools.
%
A balanced diet is chocolate in each hand.
%
I had a flying dream last night.
I was the middle seat in economy class.
%
Sometimes I look in the mirror and wonder when I got a much older roommate.
%
I'm so old that, as a kid, you actually had to <i>win</i> to get a trophy.
%
Quantity is no substitute for quality.
But it's the only one "Made In China" presents.
%
I just realized the word "seven" has "even" in it.
That's&nbsp;odd.
%
People are always available for work in the past tense.
%
Old Saying: "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all."
That's why I'm so quiet around some people.
%
A dung beetle walks into a bar and asks, "Is this stool taken?"
%
I've just put my friend Richard on speed dial.
It's my Get-Rich-Quick scheme.
%
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
%
Nobody's recorded a decent Country-Western song since they came out with PROZAC.
%
No matter where I go, the place is always called "here".
%
You can tune a piano --- but you'll never tuna fish!
%
I pulled a muscle digging for gold.
The doctor said it's a miner injury.
%
<b>Paradigm</b> (N.), Two coins totaling twenty cents
%
I always enjoyed Eggs Benedict when I lived in the Netherlands.
Man, how I remember those Holland days.
%
I always enjoy Eggs Benedict in Alaska!
There's no place like Nome for the hollandaise.
%
How many telemarketers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Only 1, but they can only do it during dinner.
%
I don't think I'm cut out to be a graffiti artist.
The writing has been on the wall for a while.
%
Promising costs nothing.
It's the delivering that kills you.
%
Is it a neighborhood if you never see any neighbors?
%
A local woman shoot her husband with a crossbow!
She didn't want to wake the children.
%
I am as my Maker made me.
Except for that recall last year.
%
I may be an antique, but I've still got <b>"IT".</b>
I just don't always remember where I put "IT".
%
I have <u>lots</u> of initiative.
In fact, there's <u>lots</u> of things I start and never finish.
%
Keep up the good work!
But please don't ask me to help.
%
Two-liner jokes have a punch line.
Therefore this is not a joke.
%
The economy is affected as much by economists
as the weather is by meteorologists.
%
My deaf girlfriend was talking in her sleep last night.
She nearly poked my eye out!
%
I have one chicken in the coop whose eggs I can never find.
It probably isn't on purpose. I'm sure she just mislaid them.
%
You can tell a lot about a word from its root words.
Poly means many. Ticks are small blood sucking creatures.
%
I once was footloose and fancy-free.
After my knee replacement, I beheld my fancy flee.
%
I'd be a better listener if she talked less.
%
Some pretentious coffee choices take longer to order than they do to drink.
%
Wanna know what I find fascinating about my brother-in-law's dreams?
Absolutely nothing.
%
So, did you have a good day at work?&emsp; &emsp;&emsp;&emsp; &emsp;&emsp;&emsp;Yeah,&nbsp;me&nbsp;neither.
%
I'm avoiding that restaurant until I learn more.
I noticed it had special parking for ambulances.
%
Shouldn't cowboy clothes be called ranch dressing?
%
My kid swallowed a bunch of coins yesterday.
No change yet.
%
If you suck at playing the trumpet --- that's probably why.
%
Yesterday was National No Bra Day.
And, once again, it was a big letdown.
%
I don't like artificial decorative flowers.
They just don't make scents.
%
I do a comedy sketch that's all about seafood.
It's my fish shtick.
%
In space, no one can hear you fart.
%
Sometimes the younger employees ask me how long I've been working here.
I reply, "Ever since they threatened to fire me."
%
Some of the local funeral directors started a band.
They call themselves "The Deadbeats".
%
I have a secret fishing spot. Even the fish don't know about it.
%
I can recommend Kangaroo Beer.
You can really taste the hops.
%
I asked our Chinese tour guide what it was like to live in China.
She said she couldn't complain.
%
Hard times create strong Russians.
Strong Russians create even harder times.
%
Dinner at my sister-in-law's is always a adventure.
This time it was burnt chocolate cake with a hint of fire extinguisher.
%
I just experienced the rudest, most foulmouthed cashier.
That's the last time I go through self-checkout.
%
A friend recently got a reverse mortgage.
I'll ask my landlord for a reverse rent.
%
He's not the kind of guy who will talk about himself.
Yeah -- that's handled by others <i>after</i> he leaves.
%
I used to be schizophrenic, but we're all OK now.
%
Hundreds of years ago an African tribe had a 12-inch tall king.
Legend has it he made a great ruler.
%
My wife wants to have sex in the back of the car.
But she wants me to drive...
%
I understand that some people are skipping meals because of high food prices.
But, if you saw my brother-in-law, he's not one of them.
%
All my neighbors keep their car doors locked during Zucchini Season now.
%
I saw a snowman in the produce section at the grocery.
He was picking his nose.
%
Waiter, "Your glass is empty, do you want another one?"
Now, why would I want <i>TWO</i> empty glasses?
%
My dad, every time he would put the car in reverse:
"Ah, this takes me back."
%
I tell fish jokes just for the halibut.
%
Cottage cheese is not actually a cheese. It just a curd to me:
%
I lost my job as a limo driver -- and I have nothing to chauffeur it.
%
We have only two things to worry about:
That things will never get back to normal, and that they already have.
%
There is at least one Good Thing about inflation.
Each time I can't afford something, I save more money that I used to.
%
My boss lost his boat when he tried to tow it with a rope.
You guessed it.&ensp;It went off without a hitch.
%
Dad jokes make me numb. Dad math jokes make me number.
%
Feel disillusioned?
I've got some great new illusions, right here!
%
The new, larger format of <u>TV GUIDE</u> upsets me.
It's as if <u>THE CONGRESSIONAL RECORD</u> had added a centerfold.
%
This is clearly another case of too many mad scientists, and not enough hunchbacks.
%
A Hive: The collective noun for a group of allergists.
%
My wife says that I have no empathy
I don't understand how she can feel this way.
%
My wife exclaimed, "You have no idea what I just said!"
Who starts a conversation like that?
%
If you can't say something nice about someone --- it's not your fault.
%
She said, "We need to deal with this constant need of yours to please others."
I replied, "Certainly! If it'll make you happy."
%
Maternity jokes are the most difficult.
It's all in the delivery.
%
My thought processes have changed over time.
I no longer need smartness from my phone to complete me.
%
I do not believe failure is an option.
Nope, in my life it's a requirement.
%
It's a new month and I'm scheduling out my diet --- and my cheat days.
%
I was asked what we do with our leftover bacon.
We've never experienced this.
%
I'm really good at drawing perpendicular lines.
My skill is unparalleled.
%
Astronomers: Their work is astronomical!
%
Climate change will kill every single person on this planet.
It's a good thing I'm married.
%
If corn starch is made from corn, what is baby powder made from?
%
Their idea of an offer you can't refuse is an offer --- and you'd better not refuse.
%
Once again I'll be seeing a new doctor.
My old ones keep retiring.
%
There's a mighty big difference between good, sound reasons
and reasons that sound good.
%
After the hurricane folks were using newspaper as ersatz toilet paper.
Yup, the Times are rough.
%
Adam and Eve had a computer.
It was an Apple with just 1 byte. Then everything crashed.
%
I always turn a positive into a negative.
It's said I have the minus touch.
%
A Jewish pessimist will say, "Things are as bad as they can be."
A Jewish optimist will say ,"Things can always get worse!"
%
Why do people stop what they are doing,
to text about what they are doing,
and then go back to doing it?
%
Quite often I mix up my daily steps recommendation (10,000)
with my daily calorie recommendation (2,000).
%
The Self-Deprecation Society is taking applications for new members.
I've already put myself down.
%
I finally said "No" as many way as I knew. "Non!" , "Nein!", "Nyet!"
But she would take no foreign answer.
%
One of the great thing about America is that anyone can grow up and be president.
It's also one of the worst.
%
I think my doctor once was an auto mechanic.
He says my spare tire is overinflated, my frame is bent, and I need a system flush.
%
When I'm asked what I'm doing and I say, "Nothing",
it doesn't mean I'm not doing anything.
It means I'm busy doing nothing.
%
A new study shows that 1-3 cups of coffee per day offers many healthy benefits.
Which means that we are about 6 weeks away from the exact opposite finding.
%
There's a ROMEO group at the local dinner.
Or, as my wife calls it: Male Pattern Blandness.
%
At my first high school reunion, most of the women looked pregnant.
At the one this week, most of the men looked pregnant.
%
Our senior center always does bobbing for apples at Halloween.
After which, we fish for dentures.
%
My doctor put me on an "Almost Anything" diet.
It means 'almost anything' I like ain't on the diet.
%
A mathematician walks into a bar, "I got so many problems."
Bartender, "Go figure."
%
The zoo put goofy hats on all the baby deer.
Weird does -- all of'em.
%
Of all the jokes I ever heard, this is one of them.
%
I received some email spam selling dentures for only a dollar.
Now I have buck teeth.
%
My brother-in-law has started smoking seaweed!!
I think he should sea kelp.
%
Our town's newspaper has a "LIVING" section on Sundays,
... along with a "NO LONGER LIVING" obituary section.
%
My son is growing up and his voice is changing.
He used to ask for cookies. Now he asks for money.
%
I got a sport shirt with my own QR code on the chest.
It should speed up the dating process.
%
I should've taken better care of my teeth and mouth.
One more crown and the dentist says I'll be royalty.
%
Every morning I look in the mirror and think, "That can't be right!!"
%
The best things in life are for a fee.
%
Weekend, where are you?
%
I'm fairly sure I don't talk in my sleep.
No one at work has ever mentioned it.
%
I can tell I'm beginning to feel old.
Work is a lot less fun, and fun is a lot more work.
%
Friends don't let friends use <font face="Comic Sans MS , cursive">Comic Sans</font>.
%
Genghis Khan built his empire one steppe at a time.
%
"Only <i>you</i> can prevent forest fires!"
sigh...&ensp;Why is everything on <i>my</i> shoulders?
%
Over 20% of auto accidents in Northern Ontario are caused by moose.
Why do they even let them drive?
%
I spend lots of time on my hair every day.
Mostly mourning its departure.
%
I don't want to Party Like It's 1999.
I want to grocery shop like it's 1999.
%
Everyone has that little thing in their head that controls what they say out loud.
Well, mine is busted.
%
The new barbecue joint supposedly serves the hottest &amp; spiciest in the city.
They even have a stomach pump on the counter.
%
They laid off half the workers at the broom factory.
I guess it was time for some sweeping changes.
%
When I know a secret, I don't tell anyone.
I tell <b>everyone!</b>
%
Evolution is a million line computer program falling into place by chance.
%
Entering adulthood, I did not receive a trust fund.
Two things lacking:&ensp;funds in the bank, and trust in me.
%
My wife doesn't understand what mansplaining is.
I'm not sure if I'm the right person to tell her.
%
Told my work-mates about the deer I saw on the way to work.
They wanted to know how I was sure it was going to work.
%
A thief has stolen all the wheels on the cop cars.
The police are working tirelessly to catch him.
%
I own a nice sports car, but I don't want to show it off on first dates.
So, I use my wife's car.
%
The engagement ring. Then the wedding ring. Followed by the suffering.
%
My girlfriend never calls me.
It's been 4 years, I hope she's OK.
%
Congratulations! You are the one-millionth user to login.
If there's anything special we can do for you, don't hesitate to ask!
%
Do you know what I admire about my brother-in-law?
Well, OK. You couldn't think of any thing either.
%
I couldn't stock stores shelves today because of health issues.
My doctor says I have an enlarged procrastinate.
%
My young son is now learning about the solar system in school.
He now has an incredible count of Uranus jokes.
%
At my age I <u>have to</u> laugh at myself.
Most everyone else probably <u>is</u> already.
%
She was upset that I spoiled our first date.
All I did was ask for a second date.
%
Wow! Straight down the fairway!
Just not the hole we are playing.
%
Oh, how I hate eating on an empty stomach!
%
My dad is a top-notch barber.
To follow in his footsteps would be shear delight.
%
My dog's flea powder is expensive stuff!
It'd be cheaper to pay each flea to find another dog!
%
<b>Irony</b> (N.), The opposite of being wrinkly
%
<b>Multitask</b> (V.). Screw up several things at once.
%
Raisin cookies are why I have trust issues.
%
I'd tell an economics joke, but there's not enough demand.
%
Paranoia is total awareness!
%
Hotels are fighting back.
I stayed at a hotel and they had towels from my house.
%
I would do it today,
but that's what tomorrow is for.
%
If it'll fit in a toaster, I can cook it!
%
A psychic was struck by a car.
The incident report quoted him, "I didn't see it coming."
%
The new jailer notice one cell held nothing but a single baguette.
It was bread in captivity.
%
A misplaced decimal can make things 100 times worse.
%
Would you please speak up. I'm eavesdropping.
%
Alphabet has only 8 letters!!
Well... It only has 2 letters!
%
A typo on a headstone would be a grave mistake!
%
My painter lost an eye. Now he can only pant.
%
A bear walks into a bar, "I'd like a rum and &emsp;&emsp;&emsp;&emsp;&emsp; coke."
Bartender, "Why the big pause?"&ensp; Bear, "I was born with'em".
%
I was asked what the 9th letter of alphabet was.
It was a complete guess.  But I was right.
%
My bed is a place where I remember all the stuff I was supposed to do.
%
As a kid I had marbles: Aggies, Cats-Eyes, Pearls, Beach Balls, and others.
But, sadly, over time, I lost all my marbles.
%
I had to quit my golf game yesterday after hitting a tree on Number 7.
sigh... My golf cart will be in the shop for about a week.
%
I've just been reading about the Dunning-Kruger effect.
Go on, ask me anything.
%
Why do dentists call'em "X-rays", when they should call'em "tooth pics".
%
My primary care doctor sees a lot of hypochondriacs.
He has a "Reserved Seating" section in the waiting room.
%
The young couple next door just made a sex video.
They don't know about it yet.
%
The National Association Of Clowns got a restraining order against Congress.
%
The new medicine instructs me to take one after dinner.
At the price of the pill, it's a choose one or the other option!
%
Bullfighting is the Number One sport in Latin America.
No, it's not revolting. That is the Number Two sport.
%
My brother-in-law was gone for hours in an attempt to buy plaid paint.
%
Oh, No!! I just heard that more stuff happened!
%
Don't make me repeat myself.
-- History
%
My mind is like my web browser.
I have 21 tabs open, 4 are frozen, and I don't know where the music is coming from.
%
You cannot scare me!
I grew up in the '50s.
%
I can't count how many problems I have;
because math is one of them.
%
I feel like I'm already tired tomorrow.
%
<b>Tradition</b> (N.). Peer pressure from dead people
%
"See you later."
-- Alligator
%
If you're making puns, toucan play that game.
%
<b>Tomorrow</b> (N.). A place where 99% of all productivity, motivation, and achievements are found
%
I see you have graph paper.
You must be plotting something.
%
Unleash the fury!&emsp; <b>[CAPS LOCK]</b>
%
I am the result of 4 billion years of evolution.
I suppose I should act like it.
%
I don't always procrastinate.
But, when I do, it's later.
%
Life is a soup. And I'm a fork!
%
I believe my guardian angel drinks.
%
I'm not crazy. My mother had me tested.
%
I no longer hate Mondays.
I've grown to dislike the whole week.
%
Getting paid to sleep would be a dream job.
%
<b>1984</b>&emsp; Make it fiction again!
%
That's a <b>terrible</b> idea!
What time?
%
<b>Procrastination</b> (N.), I'll fill in the definition and provide an example Real Soon Now
%
The first rule of the Dunning-Kruger Club is that you don't know you're in the club.
%
Sometimes you just have to hang back, relax,
and let the train wreck happen.
%
I named my dog Ginger.
Ginger snaps.
%
An authoritarian walks into a bar and ordered everyone a round.
%
Even bytes get lonely for a little bit.
%
I've begun playing quiet tennis.
It's like regular tennis except without the racket.
%
Some people find fault like there's a freakin' reward for it.
%
My wife is concerned about my tendency to put off conflict.
I asked if we could talk about it later.
%
"One more for the road" now means going to the loo one more time before I go home.
%
Slowing down as I get older is not too bad.
But the sluggish acceleration is frustrating.
%
I'm asking because I'm polite, not because I care.
%
Life can be so unfair!
My first husband left me, and the second one <i>won't</i>&thinsp;!
%
I'm on a new medication because my blood pressure shot up recently.
And that was because the prices doubled on my other medications.
%
I saw people jogging outside and it inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
%
I'm an archaeologist, and my life is in ruins.
%
A nudist resort is where men and women air their differences.
%
If sarcasm burned calories, I'd be skin-and-bones.
%
A committee takes root and grows. It flowers, wilts and dies.
It scatters seeds from which other committees will bloom.
%
My daughter was born deaf, and learned sign language from a retired sailor.
We frequently have to wash her hands out with soap.
%
I've been writing a book called "Guide To The World's Great Beers".
So far I'm on my 96th draft.
%
Folks will ask me, "If you're so smart, why aren't you rich?"
I show them my student loan bills.
%
Why can't my wife's snoring sound more like the ocean?
%
The universe is composed of protons, neutrons, electrons;
but mostly morons.
%
Thanks to my enlarged prostate, I'm in the bathroom a lot at night.
Now I know why they're called "The Wee Hours".
%
Mistakes allow thinking to happen.
%
"That's too much bacon!"
said no one ever.
%
English is a confounding language.
It can be understood through tough thorough thought, though.
%
A clever person solves problems.
A wise person avoids them.
%
Sometimes I have to tell myself it ain't worth the jail time.
%
Every disaster movie starts with someone ignoring a scientist.
%
I'm not old.&ensp;I'm from the distant past.
%
I often socialize just to establish an alibi.
%
You all said I'd never amount to anything due to my procrastination.
Just you wait!
%
I store all my Dad Jokes in a Dad-A-Base.
%
I'm pretty sure I seized the <i>wrong</i> day.
%
As a joke, I switched all the labels in my girlfriend's spice rack.
I am not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
%
Back in my day we had 9 planets.
%
There are two kinds of egotists:&ensp;1) Those who admit it.&ensp;2) The rest of us.
%
A smartphone walks into a bar ... and orders some screenshots.
%
I received a settlement for being hit on the head.
It was a lump sum.
%
It's looks like it'll be another one of <i>those</i> weeks.
It's starting off on a Monday.
%
I found a new car that could fit a whole family without any problems.
Unfortunately my family has a lot of problems.
%
The worst thing about having a pet unicorn is cleaning the glitter box.
%
Gaggle: The collective name for group of teenage girls.
Always an odd number, because they "literally can't even."
%
What do you call a group of no cows?
It is Un-herd Of.
%
Natural laws have no pity.
%
If the early bird gets the worm ... I'll sleep in until there's pancakes.
%
In medieval times doctors would bleed patients.
Not any more. Insurance companies do that now.
%
In times before the internet you would lose touch with people.
Yeah, those were the good old days!
%
When my boss says, "Go big or go home",
he seriously underestimates my willingness to go home.
%
I believe this is a really good elevator joke,
but it gets people down.
%
Just because it's tourist season doesn't mean you can shoot them.
sigh... I know that now.
%
My first wife was struck by lightning.
She's now my current wife.
%
Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
is called golf.
%
"Dong, Ding Dong!" -- James Bond's doorbell.
%
Good moms will let you lick the beaters when making frosting.
Great moms will turn them off first.
%
How many manipulators does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They don't change light bulbs because they use gaslighting.
%
I thought I'd found a dinosaur skeleton.
But it turned out to be a fossil arm.
%
I've got "The Thief Of The Year" award.
Well, ok, I didn't <i>win</i> it...
%
My daughter won't tell me her new boyfriend's name.
She thinks I'll google him.
%
Mrs Claus worries because he knows where all the bad girls live.
%
%
My ISP doesn't have a "Help Desk".&ensp;It's a "Hinder Desk".
%
I'm a solipsist.&emsp;But that's just me.
%
Never say you know someone until you have divided an inheritance with them.
%
I'm planning on earning some passive income.
I've already got the passive part down.
%
Some days I get out of bed planning to do nothing.
If I'm lucky, I will accomplish it by the end of the day.
%
Job interview, "Describe myself using 1 word."
Me, "Good at following instructions."
%
Tomorrow is just another day.
The next day will be another day, too.
%
A friend sad he bought himself a massage gun.
Well, that's a soothing way to kill people.
%
I believe I had food poisoning yesterday.
But I've got no solid evidence.
%
Complete the expression: "All Good Things Come..."
... in packages of six.
%
A city is a community where people are lonely together.
%
I ate at the new place called The Quiet Cafe.
I had the Hush Puppies.
%
Why can't she be at a loss for words when we're lost?
%
For me, 'Living Large' is shopping at Costco.
%
A spoiled cat and his servants live here.
%
I started choking and my dog ran over to finish the food I was eating.
%
CAUTION! I have a crazy wife, and I'm not afraid to use her!
%
WHAT I IF TOLD YOU THAT
you the read first line wrong?
Same the with second line.
And also the third.....
%
I saw a guy at Starbucks -- no iPhone, no tablet, no laptop, no Bluetooth.
He just sat there, drinking <i>black</i> coffee, like a psychopath.
%
People who live in glass houses ... shower in the basement.
%
I have an alarm clock that swears instead of beeping.
It's always a rude awakening!
%
The seminar "How not to fall victim of a scam" was canceled.
I never got a refund.
%
I just learned the rules for the 100 yard dash.
It's pretty straight forward.
%
An amnesiac friend is in the hospital.
Should I send her forget-me-not flowers?
%
No problem is so formidable that you can't just walk away from it.
%
Another morning at my girlfriend's house.
sigh... Another game of "Which Is The Shampoo".
%
This is the oldest I've ever been!
It's also the youngest I'll ever be again!!
%
My boss, "I <i>could</i> fire you.
But that would be letting you off too easy. I have a <i>better</i> idea."
%
It was a rough childhood.
My father built me a sandbox using quicksand.
%
Two physicians walk into a bar, where they are joined by a third,
thus ruining a perfectly good paradox joke.
%
I'm really not interested in medical or recreational marijuana.
It's over-the-counter chocolate that draws me!
%
It's not the minutes spent at dinner that make you fat.
It's the seconds
%
What do you get if you cross a chicken and a goose?
C'mon! You gotta choose.
%
I made a list of all the things I need to eat before I start my diet.
%
Recently I started flipping a coin to make decisions.
Seems random chance makes better decisions than I do.
%
In high school I was voted "Most Beautiful and Smartest Coed" in my class.
Now my distinction is that I'm the "Oldest Woman in the Room."
%
My desire to be well-informed is eclipsed by my wish to be blissfully unaware.
%
Algebra was easy for ancient Roman students.
<b>X</b> was always equal to 10.
%
I don't eat hot peppers.
I avoid food that will hurt you.
%
One of my students asked for extra credit to bring up his grade.
HAA! Extra credit requires having some credit to begin with.
%
You might think my dishevelment means I just got mugged.
No. It's that I've just changed into my yoga outfit in my car.
%
If it's worth doing, it's worth doing for money.
%
"Let me transfer you to our customer complaints department."
"Please hold for the dial tone."
%
%
My friend described someone they know who always has to one up them.
I said I know somebody who does that, only much worse!
%
I know exactly how many lumberjacks I've dated.
I always keep a log.
%
Two old ladies going grocery shopping, "Did you just run a stop sign?!"
"Oh damn!&ensp;Am <b>I</b> driving"?
%
It's difficult to find spare parts for a Yugo.
But, if you just follow another Yugo . . . .
%
My memory has gotten worse.
I can now plan my own surprise parties.
%
I used to believe in love at first sight.
Now I'd settle for indifference at first sight.
%
A Dose: The collective noun for a group of doctors.
%
I'm not fat.
I'm just easy to see.
%
Yes, it was a terrible flight.
I was on an airplane...&ensp; with <i>people...</i>
%
I want to take my Garmin GPS device in for repair.
But I having a hard time finding their shop!
%
You'd think this would make me uncomfortable.
But, it doesn't.
%
I called the tinnitus help line.
No answer, it just kept ringing.
%
My mind will often say, "Can do!"
But, my body will say, "Do I have to?"
%
I think it would've been nice to have kids of my own.
Just to have around as an excuse to eat pizza every night.
%
A cop pulls over a prospector, "Whose car is this? Where are you going? What do you do?"
The prospector replied "Mine."
%
"Grandpa, you need a hearing aid."
"And what the hell would I do with a hand grenade?!"
%
How my life has changed since my vasectomy?
To be honest, I haven't noticed a vas deferens.
%
Word processing has made it possible to right-justify any idea,
even ones which cannot be justified on any other grounds.
%
Forty Two.
%
There's ongoing competition amongst all of my joints.
"You think that hurts? Watch this!"
%
I could tolerate closed-minded people,
if only they kept their mouths closed, too.
%
Without emoji validation, it probably never happened.
%
I have many jokes about corn.
But nobody will lend me an ear.
%
Why is it that people with raisin brains have watermelon mouths?
%
The meteorologist who devised the windchill factor has died.
He was 86.&ensp; But he felt like 75.
%
Yes, my vegetable puns are corny.
But my eye puns are cornea.
%
I'm a doctor. I called my plumber late one night with a blocked toilet.
He said, "Drop two aspirin down the toilet and call me in the morning."
%
To the person who stole my treadmill...
... you can run, but you won't get anywhere.
%
My brother-in-law tried to improve his yard with a statue.
It was a bust.
%
Whenever I get a headache, I take 2 aspirin and
KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN -- just like it says on the bottle.
%
Every day these last 20 years with my wife has been like our first date.
Full of stress, anxiety,&ensp; and <i>no chance</i> of you-know-what...
%
Once again I feel that Monday morning back-to-work dread.
Sometimes it doesn't wear off until around Thursday.
%
People sometimes ask me how long I've been married.
I say, "16 years, 18 with the heat index."
%
My wife texted, "Do you ever get chest pains like someone is using a voodoo doll?"
I replied, "No."&ensp;  A little while later, "OK. How about now?"
%
With curb-side restaurant service,
we've gone from hunter-gatherers to parker-texters.
%
Life is a game. Money is how we keep score.
-- Ted Turner
%
I wish I could delete my number off of other people's phones.
%
Some medical disorders can be useful at times.
For instance, face blindness.
%
I'll be fasting for the next few days.
I'm trying to win a tussle with my tapeworm.
%
You find it offensive. I find it funny.
That's why I'm happier than you.
%
I'm never sure how often I should clean my grill.
But the fire department usually lets me know.
%
My therapy dog is charging me $80 an hour!
%
I bought a corduroy pillow case.
They've been making headlines.
%
If eye rolling burned calories, my sister-in-law would be svelte.
%
And what do you call an English dentist?
Unemployed!
%
I identify as condescending.
My pronouns are there/there.
%
They've made the world's strongest suction cup.
I'm not quite sure how they pulled it off.
%
Tupperware tried to go bankrupt quietly.
But the story broke before they could put a lid on it.
%
The CEO of IKEA was elected as the Swedish Prime Minister.
He will try to assemble his cabinet by the end of the weekend.
%
Whenever I feel low and can't focus, I go for a run.
That reminds me that my physical health is <u>way</u> worse than my mental health.
%
Why childbirth is called delivery?
Shouldn't it be called takeout instead?
%
I don't seek the secret to happiness.
That's because I'm allergic to cats.
%
My parents never took me to Disneyland.
It was a mickey mouse way to raise me!
%
I spend all week looking forward to Thursday.
It's just 2 short days until my weekend spent dreading Monday.
%
Most of my friends are aging like fine wine.
While I've aged like expired milk.
%
I'm pretty close to my sister.
Once a week I visit her social media page.
%
Midwives really deserve a lot of respect.
They really help people out.
%
I often lose track of my cursor because of all my floaters.
%
My niece calls me her ankle.
I started calling her my knees.
%
My car broke down in Greenwich, England and will be repaired tomorrow.
I don't know what to do in the mean time.
%
Every time I leave my house I need to go back because I forgot something.
Today, I reached for my wallet and, wouldn't you know it, I forgot my pants.
%
My neighbor claims that he climbed every Colorado fourteener.
I think . . . he made it up.
%
I'm wishing I was a millionaire like my father.
Yeah, that's what he also wished.
%
I can date anyone I please.
Sadly, I don't please anyone.
%
There's a similarity between a wife and a grenade.
Remove the ring from either and most of your house goes away.
%
When I eat ribs, I only eat ribs 2, 3, 5, 7 and 11.
I only eat prime ribs.
%
I've been told I have bad posture.
Well ... I've always had a hunch.
%
Took up the new sport called extreme camping.
It is <i>in tents!</i>
%
There is no place for violence in this country.
So, without a special place for it, it ends up everywhere.
%
My pet snake and pet lizard are not getting along very well.
It's probably some sort of reptile dysfunction.
%
I made a graph of all my past relationships.
It has an ex-axis and a why-axis.
%
There's new legislation regulating side-dishes -- called Cole's law.
%
My children simply refused to eat their vegetables.
So, I replaced them with rabbits. Rabbits love eating vegetables.
%
A single-legged man being efficient at work is no small feet.
I guess he really knows how to toe the line!
%
I'm wearing pickleball shoes, cornhole shorts, fishing shirt, bicycle sox, and my baseball hat with the golf logo.
And my sports underwear? Boxers!
%
"I never slept with my wife before marriage," said one Baptist deacon, "Did you?"
"I don't know," said the other. "What was her maiden name?"
%
Ignorance is the soil in which the belief in conspiracies grows.
%
How many teamsters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
<b>"FIFTEEN!! YOU GOT A PROBLEM WITH THAT?"</b>
%
We're so poor we can't even afford to window shop.
%
I stopped at the local bar for a 'quick one'.
Then I carried on with slow ones.
%
I thought my date with the dental hygienist went well.
She wants to see me again in six months.
%
My boss pivots so often that the staff is constantly dizzy!
%
I got writer's block trying to create a Halloween story.
So, I'm looking for a ghostwriter.
%
My wife has a mood ring. When she's happy it turns green.
When she is in a bad mood, it leaves a red mark on my forehead.
%
I'm fat, but I identify as skinny.
You could say I'm trans-slender.
%
I'm skinny, but I identify as obese.
I'm trans-fat.
%
I did fairly good on my blood test.
I got a B+.
%
I had dinner at "The Contrarian" last night.
The food did not agree with me.
%
Few folks understand Roman Numerals.
But I is one.
%
We say "o'clock" because clocks were developed by the Irish.
%
A Wall: The collective noun for a group of bricklayers.
%
Quitting smoking is easy.
I have done it countless times.
%
"I see", said the blind man as he picked up his hammer and saw.
%
The cable guy asked me what time it was.
I told him it was between 9am and 4pm.
%
The cop said, "Your eyes look red. Have you been smoking weed?"
I replied, "Your eyes look glazed. Have you been eating donuts?"
%
I wouldn't mind so much talking to myself,
but I'm such a boring conversationalist...
%
I'm approaching middle age&ensp;...&ensp;for the fourth time.
%
"Your call is important to us!"
Then why are you playing polka music?!?
%
By the time someone says, "To make a long story short ...",
it's already too late.
%
My plans are to be cremated.
That's thinking outside the box!
%
The inventor of predictive text had a traffic accident.
He was bacon by ambiance to the horse piddle.
%
Describing a man's wallet after kids:
There are pictures where the money used to be.
%
I've been driving all day with a big hole in my muffler.
It&ensp;was&ensp;exhausting...
%
Where do squirrels go during a hurricane?
Everywhere!
%
Take an astronaut to launch.
%
We are now in an era where we have to protect kids from protectiveness.
%
Everybody has changed to texting these days.
The USPS was clever in calling them "Forever Stamps".
%
I'm just like any other person.
I just have fewer <i>active</i> ingredients.
%
English muffins in the grocery are found in the British Aisles.
%
My girlfriend poked me in both my eyes.
Yeah. I stopped seeing her.
%
My son invited some of his friends over to play.
I can tell they're playing because their thumbs are moving.
%
I met a man with a wooden leg named Jones.
Dunno if he had a name for his other leg.
%
Delorean For Sale
Good shape, good mileage
Only driven from time to time
%
There's a procrastination awareness rally next week.
I'll probably go to the next one.
%
Years ago my friend owned a Delorean and I asked him about the taxes.
He said, "It jumps from year to year."
%
Last weekend's Run For Apathy was a success!
Nobody showed up.
%
I watched a documentary about "The Stockholm Syndrome".
It was bad at first. But by the end, I liked it.
%
My professor passed gas during class today.
I would have preferred a private tutor.
%
Semi-Retirement: Stay at home until the family drives you crazy.
Then go back into the office until the work drives you crazy.
%
I've got news to share, but I don't have time to tell everyone.
So, I'll make it sound like gossip, and tell my sister-in-law.
%
My wife finally got me to eat a veggie burger.
But, she had to include a couple strips of bacon on it.
%
Apple announces a new nautical navigation device.
They're calling it the i-Aye-Captain.
%
A cow's cud: Déjà Chew
%
You can actually die of boredom.
But it's an incredibly slow death.
%
The best thing about Dorian Gray jokes is they never get old.
%
My lazy co-worker can never threaten the boss with a work slowdown.
%
I woke up laughing this morning.
I must have slept funny.
%
I have a 'meet-up' app on my phone for people my age.
It's called Carbon Dating.
%
I used to date a girl who collected magazines.
She had a lot of issues.
%
My grandfather came to America from Ireland to find a better life.
My grandmother came not long after, tracked him down, and put a stop to that.
%
I was infatuated with a girl who collected clocks.
But she wouldn't give me the time of day.
%
I tried to date a girl who worked in a blood bank.
But she said I wasn't her type.
%
I dated a girl who worked at the airport.
She had <b>so much</b> baggage.
%
I asked my doctor if I needed a body fat test.
She was pretty sure I'd test positive.
%
As a child I collected stamps from all the U.S. states.
All thirteen of them.
%
It's 6:30 PM and time for that call from Bill.
"Bill Collector"
%
<font size=+1">DO not read the following sentence!</font>
<font size="-1">You little rebel, I like you.</font>
%
Syntactic sugar causes cancer of the semicolon.
%
Maybe you can't buy happiness,
but these days you can certainly charge it.
%
My sister shops at Costco.
First time I ever saw a 5 lb. tub of beauty cream.
%
My wife worries she doesn't know what's going on in our teenage son's head.
Speaking as a former teenage boy, she should be grateful!
%
If you combine hydrogen and oxygen you can make water.
Or, you can just turn on the faucet.
%
I'm old enough that personal grooming is no longer a big deal.
The folks I want to look good for don't see so well anymore.
%
Soon-to-be-lost lexicon:
Boob Tube
%
My doctor told me to keep in shape.
Well, this <u>is</u> my shape and I'm keeping it.
%
You've got to pay the bills to maintain a smooth running household.
And I've gotta pay bills to maintain <i>our</i> household.
%
My son is addicted to social media and wants a new mobile device.
So, I bought him a bicycle.
%
I do not want a long, drawn-out funeral when my time comes.
If it runs longer than 30 minutes, I'll get up and walk out.
%
It was my worst ever golf game, and I'm happy.
I'm happy that it's over.
%
I finally got 8 hours of sleep.
It only took 4 days, but success!
%
So far each winner of the Miss Universe contest has come from the same planet.
%
When I told my therapist I was having suicidal thoughts,
she requested that I pay her in advance.
%
I watched blind athlete pole vaulters at the Paralympic Games.
What most amazed me was their dogs!
%
I've been lying around all day craving something fatty and unhealthy.
But the only thing in the house like that is <i>me.</i>
%
I think I said something stupid in the office meeting.
It's a good thing nobody listens to me anyway.
%
You just <i>have</i> to meet my brother-in-law!
He can hardly walk through an open door.
%
I could never say "no" to my ex-wife.
That's why I ignored her.
%
My girlfriend is either crazy or the most exciting woman I ever met.
Yes, I realize those are not necessarily two different things.
%
When people say they hate computers,
they really mean they hate inept programmers.
%
You can't please everyone.
So, to be fair, I don't try to please anyone.
%
It's best to confuse only one issue at a time.
%
Computers can figure out all kinds of problems,
except the things in the world that just don't add up.
%
I'm so old, I remember candy cigarettes.
I had a pack-a-day habit.
%
So I fudge a little in my online profile.
I say I'm closer to 40 than I am to 30.&emsp; <font size="2">I'm 77.</font>
%
I came across a pay-telephone booth yesterday.
But I had no WiFi coverage to learn how to use it.
%
Show me a perfectly parallel-parked vehicle,
and I'll show you someone 10 minutes late to their appointment.
%
I received a citation for speed reading.
I have no shelf control.
%
Always remember ... the worst Friday ... is better than the best Monday.
%
My golf partner lies about his handicap, his score, and more.
In fact, he lies so much, he should be in politics.
%
The prescription said, "TAKE UNTIL GONE"
Does that refer to the medicine, my money, or me?!?
%
I tripped on the beach and hit my head on some sea shells.
I was knocked on conchs.
%
I missed the movie about a lumber truck.
But earlier today I saw the trailer.
%
Pie are not square. Pie are round. Cornbread are square.
%
<b>[&thinsp;END OF NO TRUCK ZONE&thinsp;]</b>
Just <i>who</i> is that sign speaking to?!?!?
%
A committee should consist of no more than 3 persons,
with 2 of them absent.
%
I have a lot of people under me at my new job.
I'm the groundskeeper at the city cemetery.
%
Be careful telling jokes while ice fishing! The ice cracks up.
%
Old Fisherman never die.
They just smell like it
%
I no longer have a need for a comb.
But I still carry one to scratch my back.
%
I checked to see if the grass is really greener on the other side.
The result was a citation for trespassing.
%
That last phone call was from my sister.
She wanted to know if I had mom's recipe for ice cubes.
%
That new movie about boxing is filled with violence.
It's not in color. They filmed it in black and blue.
%
This  aphorism will self-destruct in five minutes.
%
I ran into my ex wife last week.
I have a court date next month. She thinks it was on purpose.
%
The people who tell dad jokes are groan ups.
%
Cliff Frank - an eye doctor - is struggling.
His business name: "C.F. Eye Care".
%
The real joke about trickle down economics?
It's that 95% of you won't get it.
%
Salesman, "This vacuum cleaner will cut your work in half."
Customer, "Great! I'll take two of them."
%
I'm taking up coin collecting.
The change will be good for me.
%
That must be wonderful! I don't understand it at all.
%
If there even <i>is</i> such a thing as reincarnation,
I'll probably come back as something extinct!
%
I worked for the government briefly last April.
The work was really taxing.
%
I see there is one uniquely bad side effect to the vegan diet.
You need to tell everyone you're a vegan in every conversation ... forever.
%
I am <b>not</b> short!
I'm just more down to earth than most people.
%
I'm obsessed with telling airport jokes.
My psychologist feels it's a terminal condition.
%
Scientists have created artificial vocal cords.
The results speak for themselves.
%
Me: "It doesn't have a tail so I'm pretty sure it's a hamster."
Tech support: "Fine. Right click on your hamster."
%
Scientists finally discovered what a woman wants.
But, before they could publish, she changed her mind.
%
My dad was a lot like calculus.
I didn't understand that either.
%
Sure, I believe in free will ... I have no other choice.
%
Hummingbirds can remember the <i>exact</i> location of a flower they've eaten from.
I'm the same way with pizza joints.
%
If I ever come upon a magic lantern,
I'll probably rub it the wrong way.
%
No one is more optimistic than a parent planning kids' meals.
%
I have a very small franchise in a tree farm.
It's a branch location.
%
I had a no-hitter going.
But then I had to throw the first pitch.
%
My new clothes came with wear-by-dates!?!?
According to The Fashion Manual, they expire in 6 months!
%
Exercise! Last month I started walking around my block.
I haven't finished yet.
%
If you want to avoid muscle strain,
do what I do&ensp;...&ensp;don't exercise.
%
A cashier scanned a rude customer at the checkout.
His face was priceless.
%
To start a fire you rub two identical sticks together.
Then you'll have a match.
%
One good suit is worth a thousand resumes.
%
My congressman is concerned about the immigration problem.
He can't find a country that will take him.
%
I know astrology is a bunch of nonsense.
As a Sagittarius I can cut through all that B.S.
%
They installed a new machine at the fitness center.
It dispenses snacks.
%
My friend, a professional poker player, had his funeral today.
The service was by closed casket with jacks or better to open.
%
My body is not rejecting my recent organ transplant.
But it <i>is</i> spreading a lot of rumors about it.
%
Raising children can be frustrating.
At times I feel as useless as a professional wrestling referee.
%
My psychologist abruptly closed her office.
Supposedly it was due to personal issues.
%
They say it costs more to mint a penny than its worth.
They're correct -- it doesn't make cents.
%
My doctor is conflicted on what Google says about my symptoms.
%
I've tried to change to decaf coffee.
But I fell asleep halfway through the cup.
%
Couples that use the "Rhythm Method" are called parents.
%
Orion's belt is a huge waist of space.
(A stellar joke, indeed.)
%
How many politicians does it take to change a light bulb?
Change???
%
We were so poor that at Christmas we exchanged glances.
%
We were so poor, mom would read recipes to us for supper.
My brother, who was deaf, almost starved to death.
%
We were so poor that thieves used our house for practice.
%
I once was so poor that I couldn't afford a free lunch.
%
I would consider becoming a vegan,
but I'd have to learn how to hunt vegetables.
%
If it requires fake smiling,
I ain't going!
%
I'm thinking of starting a food truck business.
It could really go places.
%
A web search for "missing medieval servant" returned "Page Not Found".
%
If you suck at playing the trumpet, that explains it!
%
Believe it or not,
there is a Guinness Record for holding the most Guinness Records.
%
My brother-in-law is a terrible driver.
He should just hire on as a hearse driver and cut out the middleman.
%
My live-at-home son asked for some "new wheels" for his birthday.
I got him a U-Haul.
%
It's said there isn't much difference between men and women.
But, truly, there is a vas deferens.
%
The Air Force recruit thought the bomb bay doors were an Indian tribute band!
%
A brazen shoplifter was arrested today.
She tried to return a stolen dress for a larger one.
%
My wife is in a foul mood and took a 30-minute walk to cool down.
She's been gone for over 2 hours.
%
I have 4 children and 6 of them are living with me.
Two of them got married.
%
Years ago I would sneak out of the house to go to parties.
Now I sneak out of parties to get back home.
%
You want to know who manages the money in our family?
HA!! What money?!
%
You know your child is a handful when the <i>entire</i> school knows their name.
%
I bought a half-dozen prune danishes.
Yes!! To go!!
%
Cause And Effect is all fine and good,
but I'm more of a "What The Hell..." kind of guy.
%
What does a psychic wear to a meeting?
Just a paranormal pants.
%
Blonde #1, "I had sex with two Brazilian men last night."
Blonde #2, "Wow! I don't even know that many men!"
%
My girlfriend informed me she's had a Brazilian.
I'm not good with numbers but that sounds like an awful lot to me!
%
An idealist is one who, on noticing that a rose smells better
than a cabbage, concludes that it will also make better soup.
-- H.L. Mencken
%
Knowing what's going on in the world
has a lot to do with how you are being told about it.
%
I'm having both an identity and a midlife crisis.
I'm thinking I'm not who I think I am.
%
I'm way too old for the kid's menu.
So I asked if there was a man-child menu.
%
At Robert's funeral they had put a toupee on him.
He looked ten years deader.
%
What's worth doing is worth the trouble of asking somebody else to do.
%
I was in the army.
It was intense ... and in tents.
%
I yearn for some peace and quiet.
Remember when all you had to do was take the telephone off the hook?
%
There' a reason I find it so difficult to exercise.
Seems I have an overactive excuses gland.
%
I come in early, check my schedule and prep before everybody charges in.
I call it the calm before the norm.
%
A Tesla truck whose battery ignites creates a dumpster fire.
%
I tried chicken farming.
Big fail! I think I planted them too closely.
%
Pondering:&ensp;How do dragons blow out candles?
%
Two cannibals walk into a bar.
"We'd like a Tom Collins and a Shirley Temple, please."
%
I've been lifting big dictionaries for exercise.
I'm already seeing a lot of definition.
%
I know Karate&emsp;and about six other Japanese words
%
I saw my wife wearing her sexiest underwear.
That must mean today will be laundry day.
%
I'm dating a handsome runner.&emsp;He's dashing.
%
Did you read my chiropractor joke?
It was about a week back.
%
Our kids wouldn't eat the tacos, so we threw them out.
Now we have leftovers!
%
Two rowboats collided with each other.
It was an oar-deal.
%
I adopted a dog from a blacksmith.
After we got home, he made a bolt for the door.
%
As far as I know, my computer has never had an undetected error.
%
I've lost 10 pounds so far on the "Inflation Diet".
I can't afford food.
%
Another megabytes the dust.
%
I seem to have purchased the world's dumbest smart phone.
%
How did I end up with a case of the Mondays ... on Saturday?
%
I could on and on with these jokes.
And I will. Get comfortable.
%
I'm a person who wants to do a lot of interesting things.
But I'm trapped inside the body of someone who has other ideas.
%
I have a joke about trying to find the queue for a fruity beverage.
"So?!?&ensp;Where's the punch line?"
%
Nobody showed up for the first annual Psychic Convention.
They could all foretell what was going to happen.
%
There's a new cafe in town called "Cafe Blasphemy".
They only serve pizza with pineapple on it.
%
Got a picture postcard of the La Brea Tar Pits from my ex.
"Wish you were here!"
%
I need to pay attention to details?
Isn't that the thing that the devil is in?
%
Some people only open up to tell you that they're closed.
%
Sometimes it's best to just stop arguing ...
... and simply let them be wrong.
%
She asked me to look into her eyes to see flames of passion and burning desire.
I saw ... the back of her skull.
%
My insomnia's gotten so bad, I can't even sleep at my desk.
%
I guess my mother-in-law wanted her bedroom door locks installed on the <i>inside.</i>
%
Big election coming up this year. I'll complete the ballot.
I'll turn it in. And I'll mumble, "Lord help us all!"
%
I usually agree that things improve with age.
But then I looked around at my classmates at the last reunion.
%
If you feel like I'm gaslighting you, it's just because you're being gaslit
into thinking I'm gaslighting you, which you'd have to be crazy to believe.
%
Between rush hour traffic and the meeting with the boss,
I'm winning the battle against low blood pressure.
%
Why doesn't Sarge have the same fit-looking body as Beetle?
After all, he runs just as far as Beetle does.
%
Someone once called me normal.
I was never so insulted in my entire life.
%
You never forget how to ride a bike -- nor how to drive.
But you forget where you're driving sometimes.
%
Okay, Maybe money won't make me happy.
But rich and angry wouldn't be a bad alternative.
%
On the internet you can choose to be whatever you want.
It's sad how so many people choose to be ignorant jerks.
%
Lavish spending can be disastrous.
Don't buy any lavishes for a while.
%
Not going to join my in-laws for dinner any time soon.
The last time, I had to order from a drive thru window.
%
I'll never understand the meaning of life.
Well ... c'est la vie.
%
The last fortune cookie with my meal was frightening!
It was the telephone number for the poison control center.
%
My son convince us to give him the money that college would cost.
He took it and retired.
%
Pondering:&ensp;Did Noah take 2 termites on the Ark?
%
What's a 10 letter word that starts with g-a-s?
&emsp;automobile
%
If all the bathrooms in your house are occupied, and you need one...
Turn of the WiFi.
%
I'm now old enough to break mirrors with abandon.
The threat of Seven Years Bad Luck is now meaningless.
%
How many mystery writers does it take to change a light bulb?
Two: One to partially screw it in, and one to give it a surprise twist at the end.
%
My wife left me because I'm too insecure.
oops! Never mind. She's back. She just went to pee.
%
MEMO TO ALL PERSONNEL:
Floggings will continue until morale improves.
%
I used one of my ex-wives' names for my forgotten password.
But I only get 5 tries before it locks me out!
%
I just ended a 20-year marriage.
Luckily it wasn't my marriage...
%
Now I understand why it's call a "withholding tax".
They don't want to leave you with too much to hold.
%
If we pool all our money, we'll still be in the shallow end.
%
I crossed a few things off her To-Do list.
Didn't do any. I just crossed them of the list.
%
If we could sell our experiences for what they cost us,
we would all be millionaires.
%
All you need do ... is exercise 30 minutes a day ... in order to hate exercise.
%
For my mother-in-law, things aren't as easy as you might think.
Like what she tried earlier today -- smile.
%
The explanation for the Leaning Tower Of Pisa?
The building plans were all written in <i>italics</i>&thinsp;.
%
It was raining cats and dogs.&ensp;And I almost stepped in a Poodle
%
I began gardening this Spring, and I got a definite Green Thumb.
Got it from pulling all the $10 &amp; $20 bills from my wallet at the garden center.
%
My wife said sex was much better on vacation.
It was very jarring to get that email.
%
Dreams are free, but you get soaked on the connect time.
%
Supposedly I cause my mother-in-law to lose her patience.
Nope. You cannot lose what you <i>never</i>&ensp;had.
%
A stranger thought I was somebody else.
Wait! What if I <u>am</u> somebody else?
%
I just bought some Summer shorts and a belt that fit me.
Now I won't spend the Summer looking like an encased sausage.
%
Long before the invention of the crowbar, crows had to drink at home.
%
My brother-in-law tells everyone that he is in "Marketing".
Yeah - sure! He waves a large cardboard wienie on the curb downtown.
%
A girl I once knew sent so many "Dear John" letters,
they named a post office after her.
%
I don't think I've ever heard anyone laugh so hard as that loan officer did.
%
My Wife asked me to take the spider out instead of killing him.
Took him out. Had a few drinks. Nice guy. He's a web designer.
%
My son turns two years old tomorrow!
But because money is tight, we're not gonna tell him.
%
Most kayaks have one oar's power.
%
Of course I chose to park there.
The sign said "FINE FOR PARKING".
%
A friend gave me a boomerang as a gift.
The card said "MANY HAPPY RETURNS".
%
We had a teacher that told us so many things that weren't true.
Everybody hated Ms. Information.
%
We had a math teacher who really couldn't count.
Her name was Ms. Calculate.
%
I forgot to return my teacher's thesaurus.
She was at a loss for words.
%
I finally got into Harvard -- after several tries.
The door was a Push, not a Pull.
%
Costco Cashier, "Wanna box for any of these items?"
Me, "Sure, I'll go a couple of rounds with you for the avocados."
%
I hear I'm thought of as a cheapskate.
I am not buying it!
%
In 1914, the first crossword puzzle was printed in a newspaper.
The creator received $400 down ... and $300 across.
%
My sister-in-law is starting a new beauty regimen.
Maybe it'll work. It comes with an Ugly Back guarantee,
%
I'm at that age where I don't know if I'm injured or if this is the way I walk now.
%
I understand that "past performance is no guarantee of future results."
But, I'm concerned by my broker's winking and air quotes.
%
Nothing brings a group of jerks together like something that's none of their business.
%
I am a free thinker simply enjoying life.
Although the correct term is "unemployed".
%
An Amtrak ad advertises, "Kids Ride Half Off."
Isn't that dangerous?
%
I could tell a Swedish joke, but there is Norway I could Finnish it.
%
Comforters, duvets and quilts are the same thing.
Well, excuse me for making a blanket statement.
%
Blessed be those who start discussions with the hopelessly mute,
for they shall be known as Dentists.
%
Blinding speed can compensate for a lot of deficiencies.
%
The world will end. Please log out and shutdown.
%
Where there's a will, there's a relative.
%
I have a great photographic memory.
Unfortunately, I'm out of storage.
%
My grandchildren call my food "fossil fuel".
%
If all the science deniers were laid end-to-end around the world,
most of'em would drown.
%
We had an efficiency expert scheduled to look over our factory floor.
However, he got the appointment time wrong.
%
I can please only one person per day.
Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good, either.
%
When my wife is upset, I let her color in my black &amp; white tattoos.
I know she just needs a shoulder to crayon.
%
I ran over two Miles yesterday.
What are the odds they'd both have the same surname?
%
If you're not a dad, yet you tell a 'dad joke', it's a faux pa.
%
Orcas are actually dolphins
But they do a killer whale impersonation.
%
You'll know when the end of the world is at hand.
All the retail websites will display, "LAST CHANCE --  FINAL SALE!"
%
I welcome constructive criticism.
As long as it's about someone else.
%
Here's a scary thought:
What if it turns out <i>these</i> are the Good Ol' Days?
%
Now I can relax!
The "Check Engine" bulb burned out.
%
I'm getting old. A young lady invited me up to her apartment.
I needed to ask her if it had lots of steps.
%
My company is a real meat grinder.
In fact, it turns ground meat into <i>more</i> ground meat.
%
If your wife says, "We'll see", you're definitely not gonna see!
%
I feel the urge to steal library books.
I should probably get that checked out.
%
That restaurant deserves a review in the Michelin Guide.
Their meatloaf tastes like snow tires.
%
You'll develop new skills as you grow old.
For one, you'll learn how to spell "hemorrhoids".
%
The "5 second rule" is hard and fast in this house.
You've got just about 5 seconds before the dog snatches it!
%
When my girlfriend and I go to the burger joint, we buy each other's meal.
Food tastes better when it's free, and when you're feeling generous.
%
I found several random screws on my bedroom floor.
It might have something to do with my life falling apart.
%
The bathroom scale only displays "LOW BATTERY".
I wonder how long I can get away with that.
%
I'm creating a documentary book about tornadoes.
At the moment it's just a draft.
%
The book store claimed they stocked hard-to-find books.
I'll say! Nothing was alphabetized.
%
When you're in Wisconsin, don't talk about margarine.
Big Butter is listening.
%
A man walks up to the front desk clerk, "I forgot what room I'm in."
The clerk replies, "No problem, sir. This is the lobby."
%
As I've aged, my life has been like a successful comic book.
Lots of issues. Especially back issues.
%
Any woman actively seeking a husband has obviously never had one before.
%
My wife uses too much starch.
I come from the school of hard socks.
%
I gave up taking selfies.
They always come out as "Before" photos!
%
Scientist recently cloned a man.
When he found out, he was beside himself.
%
I spent four years working my way through college.
And the last 20 years working my children's way through college.
%
I received another "Get Well" card from my ex-wife.
Never knew so many words rhymed with alimony.
%
Just received another test result from my doctor.
She says I have outstanding balance.
%
Most plants can't hear -- except corn, they have ears.
That's okay. Most plants don't talk -- except beans, beanstalk.
%
Before Xerox, 5 carbons were the maximum extension of anybody's ego.
%
Years ago I stopped reading People and Us magazines.
Too many issues.
%
The boss asked me to start my Power Point presentation with a joke.
So, I put my pay stub on the first panel.
%
The funeral was today. I thought he died years ago.
Apparently he just looked that way.
%
I'm pretty healthy for my age.
The doctor calls it "idiopathic".
%
I've written an open letter to everyone: <b>C</b>
%
Ranch Dressing: Cowboy clothing
%
Time flies like an arrow.
Fruit flies like a banana.
%
Taste Buds: Friends that you eat with.
%
Friends laughed after I said I had a hot date -- saying she was imaginary.
I had the last laugh -- because they're imaginary too.
%
I introduced my imaginary girl friend to my dad. He said, "You can do better."
I argued, "That's no way to talk about her."&ensp; He said, "I was talking to her!"
%
Take care of the luxuries,
and the necessities will take care of themselves.
%
A jerk cut me off in traffic about an hour ago.
And <i>just now</i> I thought of something I should've yelled.
%
Some call it a hydrant. Some call it a fireplug.
My dog has a third opinion.
%
People like my brother-in-law are the reason they mandated warning labels.
%
I'm living in the fast lane.
Lately, though, I've been parked in the rest area.
%
It helps a little:
My lock screen is a picture of me on my smart phone.
%
The good news is the doctor told me how to improve my health.
The bad news is my health insurance doesn't cover salads.
%
My sister-in-law now gets thousands of online hits.
She changed her profile to one word: "heiress".
%
The neighbors are getting divorced.
I guess she was a stray-at-home spouse.
%
OOPS!! My in-laws are calling our bluff on the dinner invitation!
%
Well, that's one item on my bucket list that'll never come off.
Her restraining order pretty much clinches it.
%
A good pun is its own reword.
%
Bad analogies are very similar to cups.
%
My girlfriend is incomparable. She's like a ... . . .
%
The commercial proclaimed, "24 hour banking".
Ha!! I don't have time for that!
%
Headline in the hometown newspaper: Stationary Store Moves
%
We've been married for 9 years now.
So we're about done with that.
%
Do Chinese tourists realize they're buying their own souvenirs?
%
I gave my bald dad a comb for a gift.
He said he will never part with it!
%
I don't think I'll ever feel content about anything.
And I'm okay with that.
%
I hate being bipolar! It's awesome!
%
Scientist, "We've successfully taught a dog Morse code!"
Dog: [taps paw]&ensp;Me, "What did it say??" Scientist, "Woof!"
%
I baked a pie and took it to Newark, Flint, and Washington, D.C.
All because my math teacher said make sure you take pie to 3 dismal places.
%
A magician was walking down the street and he turned into a convenience store.
%
I don't think I got the job at Google.
They haven't responded to my telegram.
%
My next door neighbor is really loud and obnoxious.
So now I know how Canada feels.
%
It's hard to say what my wife does.
She sells seashells by the sea shore.
%
Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason.
%
I'm going to buy a bunch of hermit crabs and make them live together.
%
Seeing a forklift with a crate of forks would be so literal.
%
There are two kinds of people in the world.
There's those that'll understand this joke.
%
You can tell a lot about someone from their autobiography.
%
Often I ponder...
How many people with one leg work at IHOP?
%
I hope we find a cure for every major disease,
because I'm really tired of running 5K's.
%
Maybe hot chocolate wants to be called beautiful chocolate, just one time!
%
It's not premarital sex if you never get married.
Follow me for more biblical loopholes.
%
Circles are pointless.
%
Kids were suspended at school for playing "cops and robbers".
The kids who played the cops were suspended with pay, though.
%
Ballerinas always stand in their toes.
Why don't they just get taller dancers?
%
How long is a Chinese gentleman.
%
Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day.
%
Men don't care what's on TV.
They only wonder what else is on TV.
%
They're now only putting one candle on my birthday cakes.
It's like, "See if you can blow this out."
%
People who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to.
%
I cook with wine.
Sometimes I even add it to my food.
%
My sister-in-law puts popcorn in her pancake batter.
She does that so they'll turn over by themselves.
%
A bookstore is one piece of evidence that people are still thinking.
%
I'm sorry. If you were right, I'd agree with you.
%
I remember the first time I had sex -- I kept the receipt.
%
I told my wife I was seeing a psychiatrist.
She told me she was seeing the pool boy, two plumbers, and the cable guy.
%
My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
%
I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my parents.
They said they wanted more proof.
%
"I am" is supposedly the shortest sentence.
And "I do" is the longest sentence.
%
I've have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.
%
All people are born alike - except Democrats and Republicans.
%
I used to lay hot asphalt.
Yeah, I remember that ... day.
%
If you've heard this joke before, don't stop me.
Because I'd like to hear it again.
%
I know a lot about cars.
I can look at a car's headlights and tell you which way it's going.
%
If I had eight fingers missing, I wouldn't type any slower.
%
When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying,
"Here, you throw this away."
%
My mother's idea of natural childbirth was giving birth without makeup.
%
My shirt is dry clean only. Which means ... it's dirty.
%
Another definition for balloon is bad breath holder.
%
Newark, N.J. -- it may not be the end of the world
But you can certainly see it from there.
%
My brother-in-law has a circular driveway ... He can't get out.
%
What's the youngest you could be to die of old age?
%
I'm the inventor of the cordless extension cord.
%
I'm writing a book.
So far I've got the page numbers done.
%
A guy on the bus said, "Sorry. I thought you were someone else."
Well , &ensp; I am!
%
With a digital camera you can reminisce instantly.
%
I saw a transvestite wearing a T-shirt that said 'Guess'.
%
I stayed in a really old hotel last night.
They sent me a wake-up letter.
%
I'm addicted to placebos.
%
I was driving while wearing glasses when the prescription ran out!
%
I like to reminisce with people I don't know.
%
I was in a speed-reading accident.
I hit a bookmark.
%
My hometown has a museum with all the heads and arms
from the statues that are in all the other museums.
%
I had to park my car for a while, because the tires were dizzy.
%
I'm going to get an MRI to determine if I have claustrophobia.
%
It's interesting that 'cologne' rhymes with 'alone.'
%
I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies.
Now I am good at everything.
%
I don't like lollipops.
I don't need a handle; just give me the candy.
%
Once I tripped going up an escalator.
I fell down the steps for over an hour and a half.
%
Some people ride the crazy train.
I should know, because I <i>drive</i> it.
%
Somebody's terminal is dropping bits.
I found a pile of them behind the router.
%
The more I want to get something done, the less I call it work.
%
Don't tell me how hard you work.
Tell me how much you get done.
%
I could not get off work to attend my nephew's accordion recital.
Whew!! That was close!
%
Some times you swim for fun, and other times you swim to not die.
And when I'm swimming, sometimes I'm not sure which one it is.
%
My driver-less smart car was gone this morning!
Seems it drove off to get an oil change that I kept putting off.
%
I lent my brother-in-law $50 and haven't seen him since.
That was the <i>best</i> $50 I ever parted with!
%
I've started a new chapter in my life.
Chapter Two: The <i>even</i> duller years.
%
There's a 30% Off sale at the shoe store.
But, my wife would save 100% if she stayed home.
%
My sister-in-law announced she's on a gluten free diet.
She really should adopt a glutton-free diet.
%
Just how did Break Dancing enter the Olympics before Pickleball!?
%
Too weird. I think I'm allergic to fog!
%
I'm not sure if I have an inner child.
But I do have an inner idiot that emerges now and then.
%
People tell me I'm narcissistic, but I'm <u>much</u>, <u>much</u> better than that.
%
I got a new car for my wife.&ensp;Best trade ever!
%
I've been cycling to work for a month now.
You'd think I'd be there by now.
%
Undertakers have a secret way to communicate: Morose Code.
%
Exercising helps with decision making.
I went for a run today and decided I'm never going again.
%
With better tools, he could more effectively demonstrate his total incompetence.
%
Excessive login or logout messages are a sure sign of senility.
%
The voices in my head talk like I'm not even there.
%
We were out of bread, so I glued some croutons together.
%
I was just upgrade from a delayed flight to a canceled one.
%
sigh... I'm ready for some blessings that are <i>not</i> in disguise.
%
Why is it old age always catches up with you, but never passes you by?
%
An orchestra leader absentmindedly stuck his baton into an electrical outlet.
It was fortunate that he was such a poor conductor.
%
My doctor is not sure yet what it is.
But she's sure it will be expensive.
%
Remember: Silly is a state of Mind; Stupid is a way of Life.
%
The "Chain Of Command" sounds so harsh.
I treat it more like a Thread Of Suggestion.
%
I discovered my childhood babysitters have formed an online support group.
%
Oops! My son just asked me to explain Homers Iliad.
Greek mythology always was my Achilles' knee.
%
I know I'm really smart and successful.
I just struggle to find any evidence of it.
%
When I listen to The Beach Boys songs,
I still hear where the scratches were on the record.
%
They say a broken clock is correct twice a day.
But, I use <i>military</i> time!
%
Found out my health insurance only covers parking.
%
I really don't mind jury duty --
since it pays better than my regular job.
%
My wife is in a funk.
She just heard "our song" in an adult diaper commercial.
%
There is nothing easy about light duty.
But it is illuminating.
%
A co-worker removes parts from the printer before he goes on vacation.
He loves to prove how indispensable he is when he returns.
%
I remember my dad laying out all the unwritten rules of life.
The silence was deafening.
%
I couldn't get my wife's attention.
So, I sat on the sofa and looked comfortable. It worked a treat!
%
Once you shred your reverse gear, there's no going back.
%
I have a pet newt. I named it Tiny -- because it he is my newt.
%
On my deathbed I'll swallow a whole bag of un-popped popcorn.
Should really make the cremation a little more interesting.
%
The Onion satire magazine finds it tough to compete with Republican newsmakers.
%
"Private Jones, I didn't see you at camouflage practice!"
"Thank you, Sergeant."
%
"Yes, Watson, that dress is a good disguise!
&ensp;But we solved that case weeks ago."
%
As a child I was afraid of the dark.
Now, with the electric bill, I'm afraid of the light.
%
Would an Italian with no arms be considered non-verbal?
%
I saw a handwritten note the other day: "Printer for sale".
I think I'll pass on this one.
%
I was once a male trapped inside a female body.
Then she had a caesarean.
%
My wife ran off with my best friend.
I'm really gong to miss him.
%
A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on.
%
I just got my first fitness tracker!
It's 747 steps from my bed to the donut shop.
%
I've been told the best exercise you can do at home is squats.
I'm on top of it! Everyday I do diddly-squats
%
I still hold a school record.
I repeated 11th grade 4 times.
%
With this heat wave, I don't want to go anywhere, or have any human contact.
I haven't felt like this since the COVID-19 lockdown.
%
My medical bills are my biggest single expense.
Just a few short year ago it was Starbucks Double Shot Mocha-Chinos.
%
I've been working remotely since the COVID-19 lockdown.
They moved the office and I don't know where they are now.
%
I'm not so sure about our new lab technician.
She put lemon wedges on all the beakers.
%
My doctor has a unique way to check my heart.
She shows me my outstanding medical charges.
%
'Tis said, "Never ask a question you don't want answers to."
So, do you think I ask questions lacking in propriety?
%
We have wedding gifts we can't sent "Thank You" notes for.
At least not until we know what the heck they are.
%
My date last night was a total waste of makeup.
%
Some days I get my work done early. And some days I just give up.
I suppose the boss will let me know tomorrow which one I did.
%
I asked, "Siri, why am I so unlucky with the ladies?"
Her reply, "This is Alexa."
%
If swimming is such great exercise,
how come you never see a fish with a six-pack?
%
I don't mind it when my mind wanders.
It always goes to a much more interesting place.
%
Throughout my career I've always been a fix-it guy.
Whenever I left a company, they had to fix it.
%
Friends are never who you think they are.
That's why I never bother to get to know them.
%
My dinner date had frog's legs and chicken breasts.
But she had a wonderful personality.
%
I absentmindedly left my car unlocked with my accordion on the passenger seat.
When I returned there were two accordions.
%
My age is just a number&emsp;...&ensp;a secret one.
%
I don't often go the extra mile.
But, when I do, it's because I missed my exit.
%
I never realized how judgmental I could be,
until I listened to folks ordering their designer coffees.
%
My wife's cooking has inspired me to write a book:
"When Bad Things Happen To Good Food"
%
Firemen pull an Irishman from a burning pub and ask him how it started.
The Irishman says, "Dunno! The place was already on fire when I got here!"
%
I hate social media.
These days, the reports of my behavior gets home before I do.
%
I only learned 25 letters of the alphabet.
I don't know y...
%
The best part about dating a homeless girl is you can drop her off anywhere.
%
My dad would say, "When one door closes, another one opens."
Just so. He was a terrible cabinetmaker.
%
New York... when civilization falls apart,
remember, we were way ahead of you.
%
My doctor asked if I still have complaints about memory issues.
Wait!? When did I complain about memory issues?
%
Sometimes I ponder...
Like ... what makes clams so happy?
%
I recently got a temporary job.
But, then, at my age everything is temporary.
%
Our divorce split everything right down the middle.
She got the house.&emsp; I got the payments.
%
I often get the feeling that the world is a tuxedo affair.
and I'm wearing a pair of brown shoes.
%
Librarians are paid with hush money.
%
My health insurance resisted paying for my colonoscopy.
But I finally got it in the end.
%
My cat's vet asked me to bring in a poop sample.
I really wish she clarified that she meant my cat's.
%
If inflation continues to rise,
you'll have to work like a dog just to live like one.
%
I was walking, on my phone, and then, <b>BANG!!!</b>
I looked up and thought, "This is a sign!"
%
I've never been drunk, but often I've been overserved.
%
If you build a better mousetrap, you will catch better mice.
%
When I go to a party, nobody says hello.
But when I leave, everybody says goodbye.
%
If it weren't for electricity,
we'd all be watching television by candlelight.
%
They pay me 2% on my savings. I pay them 9% on my loan.
What we have here is a conflict of interest.
%
You can fool all the people all of the time,
if the advertising is right and the budget is big enough.
%
One possible reason that things aren't going according to plan
is that there never was a plan in the first place.
%
The Wright Bothers weren't the first to fly.
They were just the first not to crash.
%
Single tasking: Just Say No.
%
The directions for my diet pills:
TAKE ON A FULL STOMACH
%
My pain in the neck has gone away.
The neighbors left on vacation.
%
There's a reason our national elections are held in November.
It's to ensure we always elect turkeys.
%
I don't like sandals -- i.e., shoes without toes.
When it comes to footwear, I'm lack toes intolerant.
%
I hate minority groups that are given special advantages.
Like smart people.
%
Work is for people that don't like to play pickleball.
%
The Sistine Chapel has a lot of ceiling fans.
%
The pilot asked me what I thought about the landing.
I replied, "It was descent."
%
To stay youthful, stay useful.
%
My girlfriend is wrong most of the time.
Then again, she <i>is</i> a meteorologist.
%
I've decide to forgive you for not being like me.
%
I'm a divorced dad who has been advised to start dating.
Please! If I wanted rejection, I'd hug my son in public.
%
My kids gifted me a 'Life Alert' bracelet.
Now everyone will be altered <i>if</i> I ever get a life.
%
The earth and all its companion planets aren't rated that highly.
They've only been given a 1 star.
%
The chef who created Tiramisu died.
Everyone at the funeral was in tiers.
%
I'd tell a joke about the World Health Organization.
But not everyone knows WHO they are.
%
The guy who invented Lifesavers made a mint!
%
For a cucumber to become a pickle is a jarring experience.
%
Women seem to never forget things that men easily forget.
No sense in two people wasting time remembering my mistakes.
%
The dentist was able to save my teeth.
The receptionist handed me an envelope containing them on the way out.
%
I still get to work from home.
Mainly because I pay for my own office supplies.
%
My nephew was frightened for his first eye exam.
He thought they'd take them out for examination.
%
My brother-in-law forgot to vote.
I'm sure his country thanks him.
%
It'll be 'interesting' when my brother-in-law gets an electric car.
He can't even remember to recharge his phone.
%
It's probably just a placebo.
I was instructed to take it with a grain of salt.
%
sigh... I've just about run out of disdainful expressions.
%
It's something I did or didn't do, or something I should or shouldn't've said.
I'll get the silent treatment until I figure out which one.
%
My arch enemy is plantar fasciitis.
%
As I came in from the pasture, my wife asked,
"Are those your old boots?!"&ensp; "Nah, they're manure ones."
%
If lazy was a sport, I would come in 4th place.
I'd be too lazy to the walk to the podium for the medal.
%
Three out of four suffer from hemorrhoids.
I guess that means the fourth person enjoys it?
%
World Games results for rowing are out.
The British took Gold. The French took Silver. The Somalis took the boats.
%
Police are searching for stolen dog walking gear.
They're looking for leads and hoping for a quick collar.
%
My congressman has a new, almost complete website.
All it lacks is a laugh track.
%
I am never embarrassed when going for 2nds or 3rds at the buffet.
I just tell'm it's for my wife.
%
The local sushi bar often has specials.
They call it "The Raw Deal".
%
Plumbers are the real power behind the throne.
%
Only some couples go to the fitness center.
Sadly, some relationships don't work out.
%
We had an explosion at the local brewery.
Wow! All ale broke loose.
%
If you don't know what introspection is,
you need to take a long, hard look at yourself.
%
My favorite childhood memory is my hips not hurting.
%
My daughter is living off the grid.
I took away her phone for a time-out.
%
My dog is very agile -- even though he has two left feet.
%
If you do what you love, you'll never work a day in your life.
I'm retired &emsp; and I love it.
%
My horoscope tells me I have a big break coming my way.
With my luck, it'll probably be my femur.
%
We're all losing our minds.
It's just that some people hide it better.
%
What's the difference between a 'hippo' and a 'Zippo'?
One is really heavy; the other is a little lighter.
%
I hate people that use physically impossible metaphors.
They make my blood boil.
%
All bleeding eventually stops.
%
I can't wake up this morning.
I feel like a bicycle -- two tired.
%
Your belly button is just your old mouth.
%
Pop Quiz: Are you even good enough to have Impostor Syndrome?
%
My wife yelled, "You haven't listened to a word I've said!"
Which is a real weird way to start a conversation.
%
Coroners do surgery on dead people.
What's the worse that could happen if you mess up? You get a pulse?
%
My mother-in-law's cooking puts the "hospital" in "hospitality".
%
Chop sticks are good for a lot of things in the kitchen,
but chopping is not one of them.
%
I wish my husband was a government agent.
The type not allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
%
My wife said women want attentive lovers.
Or maybe she said "a tent of lovers".&ensp; I really wasn't listening.
%
A coroner has no work-life balance.
%
If procrastination was an Olympic event, I'd participate in the next one.
%
It was a lovely wedding.
The bride and groom exchanged ankle bracelets.
%
My girlfriend is crying because she got a terrible haircut.
Dunno why <u>she's</u> crying. I'm the one that has to get a new girlfriend.
%
Most athletes need to work very hard to excel.
But hockey players just skate by.
%
If it wasn't for company, we'd probably never have a clean house.
%
My things-to-undo list is longer than my things-to-do list.
%
I don't like to do things I used to do 40 years ago.
Like . . . look in the mirror.
%
My wife even interrupts me when I talk in my sleep
%
Pretty much the theme for my day:
Too much crap. Not enough shovels.
%
The optimist thinks the glass is half full.
The pessimist thinks the glass is half empty.
The Social Media Influencer believes it's manifesting proportionate abundance.
%
Amish marriages are romantic because every dinner is a candlelit dinner.
%
I saw a one-arm man shopping at a secondhand store.
I don't think he's going to find what he's looking for.
%
The journey to competing in the Olympic track &amp; field is a long one.
There's so many hurdles.
%
My wife just left me because of my infatuation with baseball.
It was upsetting. We'd been together for 3 seasons.
%
A man lived to be 103 because (he claims) he ate a spoonful of gunpowder everyday.
After he finally died, there was a huge crater where the crematorium used to be.
%
All through my blind date I was tense.
She now considers me past tense.
%
I applied for a high tech job, and I think I'm the person they seek.
They want the particular skills I greatly exaggerated on my resume.
%
I usually go to the gym and just sit around -- then go home.
Today will be different! On the way home I'll stop at Dunkin' Donuts.
%
It must officially be Summer.
The DOT closed all the regular roads and opened up the detours.
%
As I understand it, old age doesn't last forever.
%
My first wrinkles were small and barely noticeable.
Now I have wrinkles in HD!
%
New York police arrested a group of men with organized crime ties.
It would've been much harder had they worn different ties.
%
I have been thinking of taking up meditation.
It's probably better than sitting around &amp; doing nothing.
%
Fire hydrants:&ensp; H2O on the inside and K9P on the outside.
%
Funeral directors have raised the price of funerals.
And they blame it on the cost of living.
%
A horse walks in to a bar and the bartender says, "Hey!"
The horse replies, "No, I'll have a beer. I just ate."
%
Two cannibals are having lunch.
One says, "I hate my wife."&ensp;The other replies, "So just eat the noodles."
%
Money is the root of all money.
%
They say money can't buy happiness.
But it certainly lets you choose your own form of suffering.
%
My wife discussed some serious matters with me.
I remember all of it&emsp;...&emsp;just none of it right now.
%
My brother-in-law is illiterate.
He's living his life by a set of unwritten rules.
%
Mount Rushmore:&ensp;A rock group with four men that can't sing.
%
I was a real rascal in preschool.
They had a timeout chair with my name on it.
%
I need a new refrigerator.
Mine is now empty.
%
They thought I'd be overwhelmed.
Actually I'm just whelmed.
%
My dog is in obedience school.
He told'em <u><i><b>I</b></i></u> ate his homework.
%
Why is there always enough asphalt to make speed bumps,
but not enough to fill potholes?
%
Facebook:&ensp;Reminding me why I lost touch with people in the first place.
%
The company wants to try working half days.
What they mean is twelve out of the twenty-four...
%
Microbiologists try not to let the little things get to them.
%
I hate it when I'm singing along to a song on the radio,
and the artist gets the lyrics wrong.
%
I told her that she lights up my life.
She told me to prepare for a power outage.
%
Politicians can't ignore the facts!
But they do try to convince <u><i>us</i></u> to ignore them.
%
"You'll understand when you're older."
Well, finally I'm older, and I still don't get it.
%
I haven't seen my ex for a while.
I was wondering what he was up to - - so I bought a police scanner.
%
My brother-in-law's mind often wanders aimlessly.
But he can't do it without opening his mouth.
%
I need to go on a diet,
But I have way too much on my plate right now.
%
Fun Fact:
It takes 4 skin divers to circumcise a whale.
%
I got Velcro shoes instead of lace-ups.
I mean, why knot?
%
My wife yelled at the TV, "Don't go in that room!!"
I checked and it was our wedding video...
%
My daughter believes those are not real geese at the lake.
I think someone gooselighted her.
%
If your homing pigeon doesn't return, then what you've lost is a pigeon.
%
My first breakup was in second grade.
She left me for the guy with a new pencil.
%
Sushi restaurants give everyone a raw deal.
%
When watching instructional videos about torque wrenches,
remember the camera always adds 10 pounds.
%
I don't know what my problem is.
But I'll bet it's hard to pronounce!
%
The clerk at the liquor store asked, "Do you need help?"
I replied, "Yes, but I'll buy the Scotch instead."
%
Having plans for the day always sounds like a good idea ...
... until you realize you'll have to put on clothes and leave the house.
%
It's Monday. Nothing good can come from this.
%
My vegan brother-in-law can be so assertive -- and wrong!
Can vegans eat crow?
%
I didn't know the side door was alarmed.
It was the complete opposite of "Quiet Quitting"!
%
The "I'm Not A Robot" tests are getting harder.
I needed my dog's help to find all fireplug images.
%
My cat likes to lay on my laptop.
She can ignore millions of people that way.
%
Most of my internal organs have their own personal doctor.
%
I wonder if ants think people at a picnic are caterers?
%
They say every day is a gift. How sweet.
Can I return the Mondays?!
%
My sister-in-law uses vegan fingernail polish.
She bites her nails.
%
Some people get so rich they lose all respect for people.
That's how I want to be.
%
"The Greatest Thing Since Sliced Bread" -- you've heard that?
When I was a kid, sliced bread <u>was still</u> the Greatest Thing!
%
I had need to call the road-side assistance number my insurance gives me.
It was dial-a-prayer.
%
I wake up every morning <u>full</u> of good intentions.
Then I get out of bed and it all goes wrong.
%
When opportunity comes knocking, he complains about the noise.
%
I had a very frank discussion with my boss.
You have a lot of leverage when no one wants your job.
%
The DMV has moved into a new, <b>large</b> building.
Only 2 people work there; the bulk is the waiting room.
%
I saw The 10 Warning Signs Of Dementia on PBS.
Now I can't remember what they were.
%
Instruments looking for intelligent life forms all point <i>away</i> from Earth.
%
Cracking your knuckles is easy.
As for me, I can crack <i>everything.</i>
%
I was canned from my job at Pepsi.
I tested positive for Coke.
%
Flint knapping is the oldest form of technology.
Back then it was cutting edge!
%
I have a problem with the younger generation.
It doesn't include me!
%
I once was in "Who's Who".
Now I'm in "Who's He?".
%
Every day I see the same group running past my house.
But I never see what's chasing them.
%
"I am so tired of this workout."
"Sir, that was just the tour of the gym!"
%
French men wear Es-cargo shorts.
%
My neighbor says I should put horse manure on my strawberries.
Never again!! I'll stick with whipped cream.
%
We were asked if we had reservations.
"Not really. We've eaten here before."
%
My joke about lightning received a thunderous applause.
%
Super Heroes!
Iron Man stops the bad guys. Aluminum Man foils their plans.
%
Maybe Pavlov remembered to feed his dog every time he heard a bell ring.
%
I'm struggling on dating apps.
In this I am unmatched.
%
I ran into a lamp-post.
Only received light injuries.
%
My sister-in-law's mom was a Jehovah's Witness ... her dad an atheist.
She goes around knocking on doors for no apparent reason.
%
The company that does security at Samsung is named "Guardians Of The Galaxy".
%
Remember, that when some people seek advice,
they only want their opinions validated -- not challenged.
%
The state capital has been infested with mosquitoes.
Pest control is stymied. They can't eliminate <i>all</i> the bloodsuckers!
%
I was supposed to be judged by a jury of my peers.
There wasn't a single thief on my jury!
%
My dog has been howling in broad daylight.
It's a full moon, but he's afraid of the dark.
%
I'm updating my résumé.
I suppose "man of conviction" sounds better than "prison parolee"...
%
My doctor is increasing my medication.
Now it'll be <b>Extra Strength Placebo&reg;</b>.
%
The 'Not A Robot' tests are getting harder.
Just now I was asked to solve a congressional impasse.
%
If you try to correct my grammar, I will think fewer of you.
%
A big shoutout to my fingers.
I can always count on them.
%
99% of all lawyers give the rest a bad name.
%
I guess I'm just her <b>in</b>significant other.
%
I achieved all my goals right out of college.
It helped to set the bar really low.
%
For our 20th anniversary we're going on 'round-the-world cruises.
... one each in opposite directions.
%
My mother-in-law ordered 'Death By Chocolate' at dinner.
Sadly, it did not work.
%
My brother-in-law tells us he had his wisdom teeth pulled at 16.
That explains a lot.
%
I just went through an complete IRS audit.
Afterwards he asked if he could buy the movie rights.
%
I failed in my attempt to be a professional bowler.
But I'll spare you the details.
%
I liked it better when AI stood for Alien Invasion.
%
I'm often mistaken for an adult&emsp;because of my age.
%
My wife asked me what I would do if she dies first.
Apparently, the correct answer is <b>not</b> "Finally show up to things on time."
%
A Buddhist refused Novocaine for his tooth extraction..
He was confident in his transcend dental medication.
%
Thomas Jefferson, 1787: "One man, one vote".
Susan B. Anthony, 1875: "One person, one vote".
Clarence Thomas, 2024: "One dollar, one vote".
%
I asked my boss for a raise, "Three other companies are after me."
He said, "Really? What companies?"&ensp;I replied, "Gas, electric, and cable."
%
When giving advice, avoid responsibility by adding "or don't" at the end.
Or don't.
%
If my wife died first and I was alone in the house and I said something.
Would I still be wrong?
%
My dog just got a hair cut, bath, toe nails trimmed, and his teeth brushed for $50.
I think I'll make an appointment for my husband.
%
I really hate my job.&emsp;And I'm a motivational speaker...
%
During the COVID Lockdown in 2020 I only did inside jokes.
%
I always hoped to amount to something.
But this wasn't what I had envisioned.
%
You don't need a parachute to go skydiving.
You need a parachute to go skydiving more than once.
%
Eagles may soar, but penguins don't get sucked into jet engines.
%
I don't trust artists, because they're sketchy.
%
When you are working hard, get up and retch every so often.
%
We got a robot dog.
He leaves poop emojis everywhere.
%
One hypothesis proposes that we live in a simulated reality.
I think I'm stuck in a computer game with no joy stick.
%
I suppose that, in this day and age,
the 10 Commandments would've come down on Post-Its.
%
My son doesn't know what he wants to be when he grows up.
But, I'm pretty sure they'll be able to create a reality TV show about it.
%
Shotgun Wedding: A wife or death situation.
%
Time sharing: The use of many people by the computer.
%
Ya know.... I can see your browser history from here.
%
I'm not too worried about being replaced by AI.
AI can't grovel as well as I can.
%
I'm not unemployed.
I'm occupationally challenged.
%
My sister-in-law worries about which side of the street to park for the snow plows.
I keep telling her to just leave it in the garage.
%
I used to think my vocabulary was good but then I ordered a thesaurus.
Now I think my vocabulary is exceptional.
%
I received a dictionary from Amazon, but all the pages were blank!
There are no words to describe how angry I am
%
Always fear a woman who is so mad, she is calm.
%
Supposedly the Mafia is getting out of drugs and prostitution.
They're getting into the much more lucrative field of college textbooks.
%
Our rural mail delivery can be <b>so</b> delayed.
Today we got a TV Guide with Ed Sullivan on the cover.
%
In the past a house fire meant you fled with family photos and documents.
Now-a-days you run out with your groceries.
%
Another sketchy restaurant!
Claim their Galapagos Tortoise eggs are locally sourced.
%
I adopted an older Dalmatian from the animal shelter.
Poor guy has smoker's cough.
%
Never put off until tomorrow what you can foul up today.
%
We just got our year-end company bonuses.
They were shot out of a T-shirt cannon.
%
Fundamentally, there may be no basis for anything.
%
How do they get the ground beef out of the ground?
%
My dog has gotten quite old.
Now-a-days he only chases parked cars.
%
My home town was so boring that we never had cicadas.
%
I learned a lot when I went to a private school.
I can't tell you what I learned. It's private.
%
I feel like everyone is totally ignoring me.
Maybe I'm a victim of an identity theft virus.
%
Supposedly I'm the cheapest person she knows.
I'm not buying it.&ensp;
%
Worst airline ever.
They managed to cut corners on a round trip.
%
I wear a fitness tracker overnight.
I want credit for my steps while sleepwalking.
%
Individualism -- I'll believe in it if you will.
%
You can not win the game, and you are not allowed to stop playing.
%
I hired a handyman and gave him a to-do list.
He only completed items 1, 3, and 5. Seems he only does odd jobs.
%
"Should I buy thick yogurt, thin yogurt, or yogurt with fruit pieces?"
"Yeah... Buy ice cream."
%
I excel at being pragmatic, unless the situation requires otherwise.
%
My daughter simply will not put up her clothes in the closet.
She has serious hanger management issues.
%
<font face="Comic Sans MS , cursive"><b>Does this font make me look fat?</b></font>
%
Why would they make a tube of BenGay look exactly like a tube of toothpaste?!
%
The fella who wakes up and finds himself a success hasn't been asleep.
%
You should be kind, fair, and courteous to everyone.
Because you never know who might be on your jury.
%
I don't need the "Previously on..." bit.
I've been binge watching this for 19 hours now.
%
&ensp; HORN BROKEN
WATCH FOR FINGER
%
There's been a loud ticking noise outside my bedroom window.
I think it's the Neighborhood Watch.
%
The hardest part about the weekend is the next 5 days.
%
The flu, a cold, and COVID all walk into a bar.
The bartender asks, "What is this, some kind of sick joke?"
%
A long time ago, there were only 24 letters in the alphabet.
But, that was before U and I were born.
%
I called in sick yesterday with an eye problem.
I just couldn't see myself working.
%
My grief counselor died…
He was so good, I don't even care.
%
My social media account says I have 198 people following me.
Really doesn't do a lot for my paranoia.
%
She said that she bought the lingerie just for me…
Then she got upset when I wore it.
%
Every morning, I scan the Forbes' list of the richest people in America.
If I'm not there, I go to work.
%
I saw a TV advert: "STUDENT LOANS AVAILABLE".
I need one to mow my lawn.
%
The side effects include dizziness, nausea, and sudden irritability.
And they also present when I'm paying for my medication.
%
'Tis often said, "If you want something done well, do it yourself."
That's why I don't do much around here now-a-days.
%
I took Latin for several years in High School.
Just in case anyone in my family gets possessed.
%
It's ironic that the other doomsday preppers are
the very last type of people that I want to rebuild the world with.
%
I never really liked my Skoda.
The Czech engine light was always on.
%
I once flew in a <u>very old</u> airplane.
How old was it? One restroom was marked ORVILLE and the other WILBUR.
%
I'm <u>so upset</u> after finding my husband's Tinder profile.
He is <u>not</u> "fun to be around!"
%
Their are reasons I haven't unfriended some people.
Their drama keeps me entertained while on the toilet.
%
My friend is awkward when it comes to buffets.
He just can't help himself.
%
I've found out how to meet new people.
You just pick up someone else's golf ball.
%
A friend moved out of his parents' home last week.
Easy as 2 plus 2...&emsp;Two jobs and two roommates.
%
I have plans to be Born Again in my church,
but not until late October so I can be a Scorpio.
%
I needed a steak for my black eye.
They didn't take Blue Cross.
%
My crazy brother-in-law is a motorcycle jumper.
It has it's ups and downs.
%
I know <b>exactly</b> where I am!
I've been lost here before...
%
I know how to restore interest in the Miss America Pageant.
Three words: Pole Dancing Competition.
%
I just bought some LED light bulbs that'll last 20,000 hours.
I'm not really comfortable with light bulbs that'll outlive me!
%
<b>Gainsayer</b> (N.), The bathroom scale
%
Can colorblind people be green with envy?
%
Nearly 42% of all the wine in the U.S. is drunk by millennials.
Seems I have some catching up to do!
%
I long for the days when I simply had to vote for the lesser of two evils.
%
My dog no longer chases cars.
He caught an EV. It was quite a shock.
%
<b>Smartphone</b> (N.), A device that connects you to everything ...
while leaving you utterly alone
%
Always attend other people's funeral.
Otherwise they won't come to yours.
%
My login password is 'fortnight'.
Do you think it's two week?
%
I am in the waiting room at the neurology clinic.
This place is really testing my nerves.
%
Our town's police dept. had a detective that would accidentally solves crimes.
We called him Sheer Luck Holmes.
%
We were so poor we couldn't afford a watch dog.
If we heard a noise at night, we'd bark ourselves.
%
Economists present projections to the nearest tenth of a percentage point
... just to prove they have a sense of humor.
%
I love the smell of freshly brewed coffee in the morning.
And I love the sound of no one talking to me while I drink it.
%
Statistics show that a car is stolen every 30 seconds in the USA.
Whoever owns that car should install an alarm system.
%
My brother-in-law hammers nails like lightning.
He never strikes twice in the same place.
%
They were all avatars at the last Workaholics Anonymous meeting.
All their owners ... were working.
%
It takes a special kind of person to live 5 minutes away from work and still be late everyday.
%
Almost no one works in the USA on the Fourth of July.
Except Fire.&emsp;Fireworks on July 4th.
%
Claustrophobia is the fear of enclosed places...
Example: I'm going to the beer store and I'm scared it will be closed.
%
I can never finish anything.
I have a black belt in Partial Arts.
%
Give a man a duck and he'll eat for a day.
Teach a man to duck and he'll never walk into a bar again!
%
Here we freakin' go again!&emsp;OOPS! I mean, "Good morning."
%
It explains why my turtle won't stick his head out.
The pet store sold me a painted rock!
%
Getting married on Independence Day was ironic.
But expecting fireworks that night was delusional.
%
He was elected after criss-crossing this country.
Now we're in for the double-cross.
%
I assumed I had a great marriage until we moved from Los Angeles to Las Vegas.
My wife still has the same pool boy!
%
They call it "fishing", because if you were successful it would be "catching".
%
Because of his poor grades they're putting my son in Special Ed.
Maybe now I can stop doing his homework.
%
If everyone has their own truth,
how do we know what the <u>real</u> truth is?
%
Yet another news story confirming that a National Park is not a petting zoo.
%
I could have done so much more in my life,
but I didn't want to disturb my lap cat.
%
I'm sick and tired of all the cliches!
sigh... It is what it is.
%
I have the perfect job for someone who hates to pay taxes.
%
I'm told there's a sure-fire way to improve your memory.
Lend money to people.
%
I'm about to complete my probationary period.
My boss just gave me a "Get Better Soon!" card.
%
My friend suffers from kleptomania.
Maybe he could take something for it.
%
If gnomes are not real,
how do they know what to make the garden statues look like?
%
"Hey, is this compulsive liars anonymous?"&emsp;"No."
"That's fine, I don't have a problem with that anyway."
%
Two senior citizens in the Catskills:
"The food here is terrible!"&emsp;"Yes, and such small portions!"
%
The secret to being a project manager is to give'em a number or give'em a date,
but never give'em both at once.
%
The new guy in the office thinks he knows all the answers.
Ha!! He hasn't heard all of my questions yet.
%
My soccer coach says I need a little seasoning.
Next seasoning.
%
I should be able to retire soon.
I'm trying to sell a kidney on eBay.
%
I no longer talk to myself.
Instead I follow myself on social media.
%
Science Tidbit: Heat makes things expand.
That's why days are longer in the summer.
%
My insomnia keeps getting worse.
I stayed awake through an entire HR meeting.
%
These days I'm binge streaming "COPS".
I find it arresting.
%
I'm going to ask the boss for a raise.
Unfortunately, with him, nope springs eternal.
%
My wife, "Tonight let's stream the movie <i>Gaslight</i>.
I replied, "We already watched that. Don't you remember?"
%
My wife said, "There are 14 reasons to leave you; plus your tennis obsession."
I replied, "That's 15 Love."
%
Whoever dies with the most toys wins.
%
Usually I have to vote for the lesser of two evils.
This time it's better of two unfits.
%
If you thought the political debate was bad,
just wait until the swimsuit competition!
%
I try not to donate stuff to Goodwill.
I always return with more stuff.
%
A guy driving a hearse pulled me over.
Seems I have expired plates.
%
Know what I hate most?  Rhetorical questions.
%
She calls it freezing left-overs.
I call it embalming garbage.
%
Honk if you hate bumper stickers that say "Honk if ..."
%
Experience is what causes you to make new mistakes instead of old ones.
%
Using Microsoft WORD is like kicking a dead whale down the beach.
%
Schizophrenia beats being alone.
%
In America, it's not how much an item costs, it's how much you save.
%
<b>Ass</b> (N.), The masculine of "lass"
%
Anybody with money to burn will easily find someone to tend the fire.
%
These aphorisms are supported by viewers like you.
%
Don't let people drive you crazy when you know it's within walking distance.
%
Information deteriorates upward through bureaucracies.
%
Your life would be very empty if you had nothing to regret.
%
Character Density: the number of very weird people in the office.
%
If you didn't get caught, did you really do it?
%
Mountain climbers rope themselves together to prevent the sensible ones from going home.
%
No one's life, liberty, property, or health care is safe while the Supreme Court is in session.
%
Good news is just life's way of keeping you off balance.
%
A student who changes the course of history is probably taking an exam.
%
He's just a politician trying to save both of his faces.
%
I belong to no organized party.&ensp;  I am a Democrat.
%
If this aphorism didn't exist, someone would have written it.
%
Show respect for your age. Drink good Scotch for a change.
%
A lie is a poor substitute for the truth,
but the only one discovered to date.
%
Whatever became of eternal truth?
%
Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense.
%
Assumption is the mother of all screw-ups.
%
Daughter: "What do you give a man who has everything?"
Mother: "Encouragement, dear."
%
Today the North Korean pole-vault champion became the South Korean pole-vault champion.
%
Your conscience never stops you from doing anything.
It just stops you from enjoying it.
%
Procrastination avoids boredom.
One never has the feeling that there is nothing important to do.
%
The more things change, the more they stay insane.
%
Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they <i>aren't</i> out to get you.
%
By doing just a little every day,
you can gradually let the task completely overwhelm you.
%
If the odds are a million to one against something occurring,
chances are 50-50 it will.
%
Try to get all of your posthumous medals in advance.
%
<b>Spouse</b> (N.), Someone who stands by you through all the trouble you wouldn't have had if you'd stayed single
%
And now for a partial score: Denver 28
%
Experience varies directly with equipment ruined.
%
A bore is someone who persists in holding his own views ...
after we have enlightened him with ours.
%
Conceit causes more conversation than wit.
%
I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed person.
%
An American isn't afraid to criticize the President but is always polite to traffic cops.
%
Let's not talk about my hang glider accident.
It's a soar subject.
%
"I'd love to go out with you,
but I'm converting my smart watch from Julian to Gregorian."
%
Ask not for whom the telephone bell tolls...
If thou art in the bathtub, it tolls for thee.
%
If you can lead it to water and force it to drink, it isn't a horse.
%
There's only one way to have a happy marriage.
And as soon as I learn what it is I'll get married again.
%
It seems like the less a politician amounts to,
the more they love the flag.
%
My lucky color has faded.
%
Jones' Law of Window Cleaning:&ensp; It's on the other side.
%
If Murphy's Law can go wrong, it will.
%
Now and then an innocent person is sent to congress.
%
Anything is good if it's made of chocolate.
%
Disco is to music what Etch-A-Sketch is to art.
%
To make eggnog, you'll need rum, whiskey, wine, gin,
and, if they are in season, eggs...
%
I am writing a book on beer.
I'm on my fourth draft.
%
I searched on eBay for a lighter.
All they had was 8,000 matches!
%
I locked myself in a suitcase once.
I feel like I may have gotten carried away.
%
You know you're getting old when your cologne is Ben-Gay.
%
My wife and I have resolved to never go to bed angry.
As a result, I spend many nights curled up on the couch.
%
There's a support group for people that constantly gossip.
No, it wouldn't be for me, but let me tell you who <u>should</u> go...
%
The trouble with money is it costs too much!
%
You know your life is boring when all you have is work clothes and bed clothes
%
It's not so much a refrigerator as it is a food museum.
%
Being on the phone attracts co-workers like a porch light attracts moths.
%
Supposedly the mailman has slept with every woman in the building except one.
My wife thinks it's that snooty Gina Kant in apartment number 8.
%
Committees have become so prevalent nowadays that subcommittees have to be appointed to do the work.
%
I wondered how the waiter knew it was our first time there.
Then I found out that nobody ever goes back.
%
I need a plate in my skull.
My insurance will only pay for a paper plate.
%
The only "paperless office" results I see is in the restroom.
%
My grandfather has cognitive issues and a robot support dog.
He still take a poop bag when they go for a walk.
%
I never had children.
I need to borrow my neighbor's kids to open my child-proof medicine caps.
%
I've reach the age where I read the obituaries first.
It's not so much "Last Man Standing". It's "Last Man In His La-Z-Boy Recliner".
%
The scouts have a new merit badge -- the Phishing Badge.
%
I wont be expecting a Rolex when I retire.
The last guy got a Rolodex!
%
Today I'm installing a new operating system, then tearing my hair out when it fails.
It's not as much fun as it sounds.
%
Wow!! I just found a lost fifty dollar bill!
I'm sure it was lost.&ensp; I even saw the guy looking for it.
%
The key to joy at work is to focus on some aspect of it that you really love.
The toilet paper in the restrooms is fairly good quality.
%
I may be the greatest procrastinator in the world.
But I haven't found the time to Google it and find out.
%
The only thing keeping me alive is a machine.
It's my Maytag refrigerator.
%
Got a new coffee maker, her name is Julie.
Dunno why, but my wife has other ideas.
%
I've totally sworn off social media.
I like folks better when I don't know so much about them.
%
You shouldn't be nasty to lazy people.
We haven't done anything.
%
"What is the Capital of England?" &ensp; "E"
%
Earlier this week my ID was stolen.
Today it was returned along with a sympathy card.
%
I fear my short-term memory is failing.
I keep lending my teenager money.
%
Optimism is when you believe a new diet is going to work.
Naivete is when you believe the dryer is shrinking your clothes.
%
I'm unsure if I'll make it through butcher's school.
The steaks are pretty high.
%
Had to get my son into a 12-Step Program.
Seems he got hooked on phonics.
%
Raymond Burr had an older brother who was a lumberjack -- named Tim.
%
As a child I was kicked out of ballet school.
I didn't toe the line.
%
Old Mother Hubbard went to the cupboard to get her poor daughter a dress,
but when she got there, the cupboard was bare, and so is her daughter, I guess.
%
I was recovering quite nicely from the operation.
Until I tore out the stitches laughing at a real funny get-well card!
%
I can't decide whether to get up now&emsp;...&emsp;or Thursday.
%
I see paper straws are replacing plastic straws.
Except they come in plastic blister packs!
%
I'm so old that I was born before <i>anything</i> was invented.
%
I've put up "Missing Person" posters of me all over town.
I'm trying to find myself.
%
If it really was a&ensp;<i>s&thinsp;m&thinsp;a&thinsp;r&thinsp;t</i>&ensp;phone,
it would prevent me from sending a stupid text.
%
My therapist tells me everything happens for a reason.
And, in my case, that reason is I always make bad decisions.
%
The boss is upset about the new guy's appearance.
Seems he has yet to appear.
%
I have an alternative-fuel vehicle that runs on fat instead if gasoline.
Yup. It's a bicycle.
%
You don't see cars like mine anymore.
Most folks would be too embarrassed to be seen driving them.
%
My golf game is wretched.
I have enough mulligans to make a stew
%
I have a "Shoplifter Of The Year" trophy.
I didn't win it.
%
I'm not very flexible.
But I can easily put my foot in my mouth.
%
The braille version of my novel didn't sell well.
The readers' fingers kept falling asleep.
%
Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives.
%
I'm doing house work in stages.
The current stage is denial.
%
<b>Dysania</b> (N.), an extreme difficulty rising from bed.
A fun fact to use when you next call in sick. See also <i>Clinomania</i>
%
<b>Clinomania</b> (N.), an obsession with or profound desire for staying in bed.
A fun fact to use when you next call in sick. See also <i>Dysania</i>
%
I've been taking my bike to work now for several weeks.
It's so tightly stuck in the trunk that I may never get it out.
%
I mentioned I saw a deer on the way to work this morning.
"How did you know it was on its way to work?"
%
My wife had dated a clown before we met.
I had some really big shoes to fill.
%
Milk is good ... but it could be butter!
%
Raising children means that we love to go shopping ... online!
%
I ran a marathon in Helsinki.
It felt so good to cross that Finnish line.
%
<b>Politician</b> (N.), Someone who shakes your hand before an election and your wallet after.
%
My wife says she feels like a failure.
She's been shopping for over 30 years and still has nothing to wear.
%
I was instructed on how to grow an herb garden.
Truly some sage advice...
%
<b>Myth</b> (N.), A female moth
%
At one time I was curious if I had been adopted.
"Of course not! Why would we choose you?"
%
My mother-in-law exclaimed, "One day I will dance on your grave."
I replied, "I hope you do. I will be buried at sea."
%
Our local minor league team has been in the cellar all summer.
Their team mascot should be a mushroom!
%
Professional wrestling: ballet for the common man.
%
Once you've seen one shopping center ... you've seen the mall.
%
The high point of our congressman's career was his concession speech.
%
We don't travel much.
But, last week I went on a 3-day guilt trip.
%
Our friends are both computer professionals.
Their child's first words were "modem" and "data".
%
My sister never has had good judgment when it comes to men.
For example: her ex-husband.&emsp; Looks were all he had.
%
When live gives you lemons ... make lemonade.
Well, life keeps giving <i>me</i> raspberries!
%
What? Am I trying to be annoying?
Hey! It comes natural!
%
I wouldn't've been speeding if the rest areas weren't so far apart.
%
Of course I still believe in Santa Claus!
If he's willing to believe I'm good, I'm willing to believe he's real.
%
I can't afford the electric cars that my tax dollars are subsidizing.
%
Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
%
There is very little future in being right when your boss is wrong.
%
I think I'll go to bed now and get a good night's insomnia.
%
We had someone that sounded good cast as Godot.
But, it's opening night, and he hasn't shown up.
%
Anything can be a UFO, if you're really bad at identifying things.
%
I've stopped using the phrase, "How stupid can you be!?"
Too many folks are taking it as a personal challenge.
%
The key to success is hiring good people and hope they never listen to you.
%
It's so much easier to be nice to house guests when they're leaving.
%
We all chipped in and bought the office jerk a round-trip to Europe.
Dunno whose idea the <i>round trip</i> was.
%
We are now in an age where our phones have become smarter than our people.
%
I asked my physics professor to sign my yearbook.
"I enjoyed having you in class, but only periodically."
%
I asked my son to paint the fence with my husband.
He felt it would be much easier with a paintbrush.
%
"If you love somebody, let it go..."
Explains what I've done to my body.
%
My son took his teacher's arrest record to school for show-and-tell.
%
Milking stools only have 3 legs because the cow has the udder.
%
So you're here because you're having trouble with paranoia?
We've been expecting you.
%
So, 90% of an iceberg is below the surface of the water.
Well, 100% of water of the water is below the surface., too.
%
<b>TOP 10 DO-IT-YOURSELF ELECTRICAL REPAIR MISHAPS!</b>
Number 4 will shock you!
%
My mother had a favorite spoon.
When she died we buried her with it.&emsp; It&emsp;took&emsp;forever.
%
I export sandpaper sheets to shops in the Sahara.
They use them as maps.
%
Our neighbors so hated DIY projects!
They adopted their children.
%
Got several test reports back today.
COVID was 50, and my IQ was positive.
%
My grandparents were midgets.
They always had difficulties putting food on the table.
%
Dunno if our dog is afraid of the vacuum cleaner.
We've only had him for a year.
%
We manufacture core components vital to visual acuity in the transportation industry.
I make wiper blades.
%
I cook when I'm under stress.
Makes me a pressure cooker.
%
My wife said, "I'm going to pop over to the neighbor's for 5 minutes.
Turn the roast every half hour, would you?"
%
Those who claim the dead never return to life
have never been around here at quitting time.
%
An optometrist caught his tie in the lens grinder.
He made a spectacle of himself.
%
Congress -- where irresistible forces meet immovable objects.
%
Olives are supposed to be a superfood ...
even more so in a martini.
%
A five-dollar bill walks into a bar.
The bartender says, "Hey, this is a singles bar!"
%
Each day I announce that I'm going running ... then I don't.
It's my longest ever running joke.
%
I have 2 bad habits.
I procrastinate, and I'll tell you the other one later...
%
I'm thinking money can <i>actually</i> buy happiness.
And I've set up a GoFundMe to test my theory.
%
I understand the meaning behind "Death Is Not The End."
Because you still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
%
I'm beginning to question their intrusive management style.
They keep asking me what I actually do here.
%
I wonder where my "permanent record" is...
%
My dietitian tells me to eat "... lots of colors."
Found a 5 pound bag of M&amp;M's at Costco.
%
My mother-in-law says she's suffered many ways since I married her daughter.
But there is one way she hasn't suffered&thinsp;:&emsp;in silence!
%
I bought a new Jacuzzi without telling my wife.
Now I'm in hot water.
%
If your wedding went off without a hitch&emsp;then you're still not married!
%
Keep your friends close.
But keep your imaginary friends closer.
%
You can wear a turned over canoe on your head.
Because then it's cap sized.
%
Are people born with photographic memories?
Or does it take time to develop?
%
Unfortunately I was an only twin.
%
One of my failed ideas: striped paint.
Too complex. You'd have to stock horizontal <u>and</u> vertical.
Then I thought: polka dot paint!
%
I purchased some used paint. It was in the shape of a house.
%
When building my shed I tossed out half the nails I had.
The points were on the wrong end.
Later I learned they were for the <i>other side</i> of the shed.
%
Wife, "Why don't you write a book with your terrible puns?"
Me, "Well, that's &emsp; a novel idea."
%
The early bird, who catches the worm,
works for someone who arrives late &amp; owns the worm farm.
%
What sin has not been committed in the name of efficiency?
%
Quantity is no substitute for quality, but its the only one we've got.
%
It started and ended as an online relationship.
We pointed, but we never clicked.
%
I'm having a rough Friday morning.
And I see it's only Tuesday.
%
Helicopter parenting has gotten out of control.
The school science fair now has a parent's bracket.
%
Postal workers were so upset over working conditions,
they stamped their feet in protest.
%
I visited the American Procrastination Society website.
It displays "UNDER CONSTRUCTION" and "Last updated 10-Jan-2003"
%
We haven't seen a library joke for awhile.
I think we're long overdue.
%
I should start a singles group to help my socks find a match.
%
"I'm sorry" and "I apologize" are interchangeable expressions --
except maybe at a funeral.
%
If you believe computers can think,
you probably believe submarines can swim.
%
Well, I always knew that aging was inevitable.
But, somehow I though an exception would be made in my case.
%
Show me someone with a silent phone and I'll show you
someone with deep and significant relationships.
%
My pastor met with a group of laypeople, but forgot his clerical collar.
A lay date and a collar short.
%
I never was musically inclined.
In school they had me play the shoe horn.
%
I'm starting to enjoy that no-fat ice cream she started buying;
especially when topped with hot fudge, M&amp;M's, and whipped cream.
%
Stupidity is a gift of nature but it is not necessary to emphasize it!
%
Was informed by my doctor that I need to get hearing aids.
Nope. I don't care to hear what most people are saying these days.
%
If a listener nods his head when you're explaining something, wake him up.
%
I want my nephews to have all the things I never had.
&emsp; ... &emsp;So that I can borrow them.
%
The hearing aids that were recommended cost around $3,000.
As soon as someone says something worth $3,000, I'll get a hearing aid.
%
The only time I have to decide between the lesser of two evils is when I can't have both!
%
My uncle just retired after 35 years with the car company.
He would move the hood latch locations in every new model year.
%
In the E.R. I was asked to point out the source of my pain.
I wept -- because I realized it was my entire existence.
%
Donate one kidney and you're a hero.
Donate five and you're treated like some kind of criminal.
%
My psychiatrist only meets me half way.
He'll validate my parking, but not my feelings.
%
Money will say more in one moment than the most eloquent lover can in years.
%
I had a heart attack arguing with my insurance company about my blood pressure medication.
%
I quit drinking for good.
Now I do it for evil.
%
Where do I see myself in 5 years?
I'll probably still use mirrors.
%
I really dislike peer pressure.
And so should you.
%
I think this will be a does-not-play-well-with-others kind of day.
%
My wife left me due to my obsession with pasta.
I'm feeling cannelloni right now.
%
To err is&nbsp;human. To moo -- bovine.
%
I can remember when coffee was a nickle a cup ... and dinosaurs roamed the earth.
%
Whenever my wife wants to offer advice, I always take time for her.
Because it makes her feel better when she thinks I'm listening.
%
I used to type 60 words per minute on a typewriter.
Now I can hardly achieve six words per minute on a smart phone.
%
I believe "The Secret Of Inner Peace" is a short attention span.
%
My workmates all chipped in and bought our boss a retirement present.
He didn't retire. I told them it wouldn't work.
%
Two atoms are jostling in a vapor. One says, "Oh shoot! I lost an electron!"
The second says "Are you sure?" &emsp; "Yeah, I'm positive!"
%
I tried to take a selfie in the shower, but the result was blurry.
I guess I have selfie steam issues.
%
To the landlord belongs the doorknobs.
%
My congressman aspires to be the Captain of America's Ship.
I think of him more as the iceberg.
%
The office has communal desks, workstations, office supplies, telephones.
But we have our own chairs; which shows which part of our anatomy is important.
%
What's the hardest part about being a vegan?
Being quiet about it.
%
The TSA reports that smuggling helium balloons in luggage is out of control.
Cases continue to rise.
%
Did anyone lose a large roll of 50 dollar bills in a blue rubber band?
Because I found your rubber band.
%
My daughter convinced me to go on a vegan diet.
Longest 4 hours of my life.
%
How many Karens does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one. She holds onto the bulb while the world revolves around her.
%
I have my flaws and I'd be the first to admit I'm not perfect.
But every girlfriend I ever dated beat me to it.
%
My new exercise machine came yesterday.
I lost 3 pounds just assembling it.
%
Denial! Anger! Bargaining! Depression! Anger!
The Five Stages of waking up.
%
Unlike my neighbors, the raccoons do not get into my trashcans.
The raccoons are no more interested in her cooking than I am.
%
If Machiavelli were a programmer, he'd have worked for the cable company.
%
I'm not saying that it is a stupid idea.
It's just nobody else I know would ever think of it.
%
If God had not given us duct tape,
it would have been necessary to invent it.
%
Some are ne'er-do-wells.
I'm more of a ne'er-do-adequate.
%
My wife is singing in the shower.
I'm sitting outside so the neighbors will know I'm not hitting her.
%
It's claimed that we use only 10 percent of our brains.
Imagine what we could accomplish if we used the other 60 percent.
%
It's being lobbied to replace all highway mile markers with Dollar General Stores.
%
Waiting for election results is like waiting for a grade on a group project.
I know I did my part right, but I am worried the rest of you screwed it up.
%
It doesn't matter who you voted for, you'll still end up with politicians.
%
Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.
%
My wife insists I enjoy arguing with her.
I totally disagree!
%
The worst part of parallel parking are the witnesses.
%
Years ago I paid for an expensive face lift.
They found another one just like it underneath.
%
Do you remember how some folks wore their COVID masks?
Yeah, it helps me understand how contraception fails.
%
My son brought home a report card with all 'C's.
His protest was that they were all 100's in Roman numerals.
%
They say it takes a village to raise a child.
Well, do they just show up, or do I have to call?
%
I've been watch this generation rewrite history.
I know for sure it will be misspelled and have no punctuation.
%
I just bought a TV &amp; it said, "BUILT IN ANTENNA".
I don't even know where that is!
%
I'm on my second guardian angel.
The first one is now in therapy.
%
Sixty years ago a car's owner manual showed you how to adjust valves.
Today it warns you to not drink the window washer fluid.
%
Nobody told me that when you get a husband, the ears are sold separately.
%
It must take uncommon self-control to work at a bubble wrap factory.
%
I need a smoke detector that shuts off when I yell, "I'm just cooking!"
%
Buying craft supplies and actually using them are two different hobbies.
%
Asked my wife to dress up as a nurse tonight ...
to fulfill my fantasy that we have health insurance.
%
All my passwords are protected by "Amnesia".
%
I dusted once. It came back.
I'll not be fooled by that again.
%
I used to date only girls with OCD.
My apartment was always squeaky-clean.
%
Sometimes you have to hug the people you don't like.
That way you'll know how big to dig the hole on your backyard.
%
A scammer called and said they had all my passwords.
What great news! I told them I needed a copy.
%
At a funeral I asked the priest for the WiFi password.
He said, "Have some respect for the dead!"
I asked, "Is that all lower case?"
%
It's okay password ... I'm insecure too.
%
Lawyer, "Doctor, as a result of your examinations, was the woman pregnant?"
Doctor. "Yes, she was pregnant, but not as a result of my examination."
%
I had to get a vasectomy.
There was a family vote and I lost 14 to 1.
%
"Sorry, you cannot use the same password as the SysAdmin."
%
You can tell a lot about a woman's mood just by her hands.
Like if she's holding a gun, she's most likely VERY upset.
%
What do you call the medical student who graduates last in their class?
Doctor
%
I told her I didn't want her to do anything she'd regret in the morning.
She said she regretted the here &amp; now.
%
My sister-in-law puts a hole in the middle of her fly swatter.
She likes to give them a fighting chance.
%
If the whole world were blind,
how many people would you impress?
%
Beware! The chains on my mood swings just snapped!
%
My ex-husband called last night and sounded very romantic.
Actually he thought he had called a 1-900 number.
%
My girlfriend has taken up with a roofer …
And now I have truss issues.
%
My prized ice sculpture is no more.
It will be mist.
%
They now have 'New &amp; Improved' Pickleball paddles for seniors.
They can double as defibrillator paddles.
%
In my youth I wanted to leave tracks in the sands of time.
Now I just want to cover my tracks.
%
My wife uses the smoke detector to time her cooking.
%
Construction work has its exciting and dull moments.
Enlarging a hole is boring, but fastening metal together is riveting.
%
Coming up: Diarrhea Awareness Week.
It runs all week!
%
There's a difference between a car salesman and a computer salesman.
The car salesman knows he's lying.
%
Won't be going to that restaurant ever again.
Both the service and the WiFi were glacially slow.
%
I worry that everyone has FOMO except me.
%
I didn't go into work today for personal reasons.
I personally did not want to be there.
%
I just had a doctor's appointment to discuss lab results.
The first thing she did was hand me a sympathy card.
%
My pill container needs a second story.
%
Just had another annual doctor's checkup.
I'm running out of things to give up!
%
English is a mystifying language.
Noses run and feet smell!
%
An armed man walks into a real estate office and yells, "Nobody move!"
%
I'm so old they didn't have 2nd hand cars in my day.
They were just cars.
%
I've taught my dog to fetch tools from the shed.
He's not perfect, but he knows the drill.
%
I do not want it <i>all.</i>
I just want more than everyone else.
%
At these prices they should be called "Unhappy Meals"!
%
I need to shop for food again.
All I have is some blue cheese -- an it is cheddar!
%
I was asked why my dog was barking like that.
Well ... I think it's the only way he knows how.
%
There one reason for the rise of the world's oceans.
The sponges are dying off along with the coral.
%
I enjoy eating escargot.
I dislike fast food.
%
My shirt sizing has graduated from "Athletic Cut" to "Recliner Cut".
%
A friend will loan you his truck.
A <i>real</i> friend will help you lay sod.
%
There's a song in my heart.
It's just that it's a dirge.
%
The measure of your importance is whether they steal your office chair for a meeting.
%
"The opera has ended."
"Please restore your husband to the full upright and locked position."
%
I can keep my brother-in-law busy for hours on end.
I bought him a stud finder.
%
My resume shows some impressive investment banking experience.
It's the seven-year gap that is a red flag.
%
I swear my mother-in-law went to Back Seat Driving School.
%
Women play hard to get because men play hard to stomach.
%
I can't go in to work today because I have a cat in my lap.
%
Just when you think everything is going great,
in comes a letter from the I.R.S.
%
I've a knot in my stomach, I feel like crying. I have a sense of doom.
I have a "Tomorrow is Monday" problem.
%
I can only please one person per day.
Today is <b>NOT</b> your day.
Tomorrow doesn't look good either.
%
My brother-in law plans to become a sommelier.
He's looking for schools in Somalia.
%
The restaurant hostess asked if I had reservations.
"No, it looks clean and well kept to me."
%
My goal is to retire before they find out what I've been up to.
%
I get most of my exercise from shaking my head in disbelief.
%
I came upon a sign that said "watch repairs here".
I stood there for 30 minutes and didn't see a single one.
%
The problem with being single is it's always my turn to do the dishes.
%
The difference between an AI and an Accountant? The AI has more personality.
%
I started my career as an accountant and mutated to be a tech geek.
Best part? No need to change my personality.
%
How many accountants can you invite to your party?
Well ... how many corners in the room?
%
A fortune teller told me, "You'll be poor and lonely for 20 years."
"And then?", I ask.&emsp; ...&emsp; "Then you'll get used to it."
%
Nostalgia Radio used to be so much better -- don't you think?
%
I've been accepted into barber school!
Looks like I made the cut!
%
There are 3 ways to attempt to stick in an USB thumb drive:
The first way, the wrong way and the right way.
%
The fashion police have offered a reward for my sister-in-law's capture.
%
Since I gave up hope, I feel much better.
%
Now-a-days we have too many sources of information,
and not enough sources of wisdom.
%
For my wife's birthday, I got some new beads for her abacus.
It's those little things that count.
%
She said a guy like me comes along once in a lifetime.
Then she said she's glad to get it over with.
%
My wife said she would not allow me to name our daughter.
So I decided to call her Bluff.
%
I called my wife and asked if I should pick up Fish &amp; Chips.
She just grunted. I think she still regrets letting me name the twins.
%
I bought some liquor at Costco and was asked for my id.
Hell, I'm older that the clerk's <i>grandparents</i>!
%
My mom taught me the best tip about cleaning the house.
First you clear a path to the trash can.
%
I have an app that shows all the people walking toward me.
That way I never have to look up from my phone.
%
Okay, Okay... I know you can't take it with you.
I just want it to hang around as long as I do.
%
By the time I listened to all the options, I'd forgotten why I called.
%
I can't understand why anyone would browse the internet on a cellphone.
Nor did I understand why Edger Bergen did ventriloquism on the radio.
%
Two clowns are eating a cannibal.
Suddenly, one bursts out, "I think we screwed up this joke."
%
I like a little garlic sauce on my escargot.
My wife uses pesticides.
%
I went walking today and there was a couple in their 80's using walkers.
It was so depressing. They were pulling ahead of me.
%
My son's cross-eyed teacher was let go.
She couldn't control her pupils.
%
Did you know CLEAN FLUTE has an anagram: FLATULENCE?
Ironic -- both need air to be forced out of holes to create sound.
%
I never bought Christmas Seals.
I didn't know what to feed them.
%
I kick spilt ice cubes under my refrigerator,
Then it's simply just water under the fridge.
%
I'd rather just believe that it's done by little elves running around.
%
The Australian immigration officer asked, "Do you have a criminal record?"
Surprised, I replied, "Is that still a requirement?"
%
What this country needs is a good five cent nickel.
%
My first attempt in using a braille typewriter is off to a bumpy start.
%
Those who can, do --- those who can't, write.
Those who can't write, produce user manuals for Chinese manufactures.
%
If you are good, you will be assigned all the work.
If you are real good, you will get out of it.
%
Whenever I hear that "cream rises to the top", I get a sinking feeling.
%
Indecision is the key to flexibility.
%
Americans eat more bananas than monkeys.
Well, sure! Bananas are easier to peel.
%
I don't like to drop names,
but I went to school with Fred Flintstone.
%
The TV weather lady said, "Dress for the 70's."
Damn! I can't find my bell-bottom pants!
%
Girls shouldn't bother dating soccer players.
There's only a 1 in 11 chance that they are a keeper.
%
Not my favorite restaurant, my rare steak came well done.
It's rare anything there is done well.
%
Recently I graduated from wanting my parents approval --
to wanting to impress my therapist.
%
I ordered an ax from Sweden.
I've always wanted a foreign ax sent.
%
There's a new strain of lice that is resistant to treatment.
It's left scientists scratching their heads.
%
After my hike I found two ticks on me.
A pair of sites.
%
My wife asked me if I'd seen the fish bowl.
I didn't know he could.
%
I'm not saying that the pay here is bad.
But most of my co-workers have tip jars on their desks.
%
All vegetables are locally grown.
It just depends on where you live.
%
I gave up on that sketchy acupuncture class.
They were using <i>inflatable</i> practice dummies!
%
I definitely believe in the hereafter.
Every time I enter a room, "What am I here after?"
%
My son thinks I'm putting "secret, spy notes" in his lunch.
Actually, its not code; it's cursive.
%
I got a waterbed, but my husband stocked it with Koi.
%
The triple jump world record is only a hop, skip and a jump away.
%
I can't even find someone for a platonic relationship,
much less the kind where someone wants to see me naked.
%
A commencement speech should have a good beginning and a good ending,
and they should be as close together as possible.
%
My congressman informs me that prosperity is just around the corner.
But, he won't say in what country that corner is.
%
Love our neighbors, and love our enemies.
They're usually the same people.
%
My job has this cool perk, where if you do a great job,
you get to do other peoples jobs, too.
%
Kansas has so many tornadoes, the state bird is a lawn chair.
But in Oklahoma, their tornadoes are so bad, the state bird is a cow.
%
While driving from Illinois to Oklahoma, I got lost.
I've been in a state of Missouri ever since.
%
The Arkansas state bird is the Walmart shopping bag.
%
The Wyoming state flower is the satellite dish.
%
The invention of the mannequin destroyed thousands of jobs
for people who look good standing around wearing clothes.
%
In focusing on my diet, I am staying away from fatty foods and sweets ...
... and bathroom scales.
%
When given the choice between beets and Brussels sprouts,
I choose the donut.
%
Is it just me, or is the ice getting slipperier the older I get?
%
If you've ever had the misfortune to shop at Walmart,
you know there's no lifeguard at the gene pool.
%
My wife and I went to a baby swap.
But it looked like the good ones were already taken.
%
90% of the people in this world are stupid.
Luckily I'm in the other 90%.
%
If the human brain were so simple that we could understand it,
we would be so simple we couldn't.
%
That movie would've been perfect except for one big problem
-- my opinion of it.
%
I live in No-Win City ... and my wife is the Mayor.
%
The lottery gives you a 1 in 200 million chance you won't go to work tomorrow.
Alcohol gives you 1 in 5.
%
All my neighbors will be rich if I win the lottery!
I'll move to Beverly Hills.
%
My brother married a girl called Rosemary.
Dunno what he season her. Thyme will tell.
%
An invisible man married an invisible woman.
I don't know what they saw in each other.
And, their kids were nothing to look at either.
%
"Waiter, there's a fly in my soup!"
"Yes, sir--the chef used to be a tailor!"
%
Copper wire was invented by two Scotsmen fighting over a penny.
%
From the moment he walked into my life,
I knew he'd make a great ex-husband.
%
I don't see how I can be so bad at password recovery.
Especially given how much practice I get.
%
My wife puts starch in everything.
I'm certain she came from the School Of Hard Socks.
%
My analyst helped me solve my feelings of uncertainty,
... I think ... Maybe.
%
I hear congress is taking steps to economize.
I wonder how much it'll cost me <i>this</i> time.
%
My vehicle has a feature not generally found.
It's got a passenger-side windbag.
%
There's new age groupings. 75 is the new 55. 85 is the new 65.
And 95 is the new "Presidential".
%
Someone at work thinks I'm pretty.
Well, they actually said I was pretty annoying.
%
At the bar I met a woman that spoke English, French, German, Spanish, and Japanese.
I've never been rejected in so many languages at the same time.
%
It's about time Artificial Intelligence came along!
Sadly, artificial stupidity has a big head start.
%
You know the saying, "Love Your Neighbor as Yourself"?
Whoever said that never belonged to an HOA.
%
Hmmmm? Did I already post my amnesia joke?
%
I was given a complimentary Procrastinators Support Group membership.
It's been over a year; I should go and see what it's all about.
%
I'm missing my loved ones this morning.
The donut shop is closed for remodeling.
%
My life coach said I need to do a better job of focusing.
... or something like that. Wasn't really paying attention.
%
I guess we all lie to ourselves a little bit.
Explains my "Active Sport" deodorant &amp; "Sensual Male" shaving cream.
%
I should make a fairly successful motivational speaker.
After all, each morning I convince myself to get out of bed.
%
I'm not saying' my memory is terrible.
But, I could host my own surprise party.
%
My exercise for yesterday was running up a tab.
%
I went browsing at the medical supply store.
I enjoy looking over all the stuff I don't need yet.
%
For this diet I've set my target weight goal.
It's what I originally told the DMV.
%
Went to an orchestra last night.
There was too much sax and violins.
%
My girlfriend thinks I'm a stalker.
Well, she's not my girlfriend --- not yet.
%
If you're ever offended by these jokes,
feel free to vent on a smart phone made by a 10-year-old in China.
%
I just want to win the lottery so I don't have to say,
"Thank you for calling" any more.
%
Do you think butterflies get tattoos of white girls on their lower backs?
%
Snails think slugs are homeless.
%
I'm thinking of calling a spade something else.
%
I know a girl that's employed as a mannequin in a store window.
She's held that position for quite some time now.
%
A local charity is doing a fund-raiser for a specific cause.
They want to buy software to track their fund-raising.
%
The checkout lane said, "Eight items or less."
So I changed my name to Les.
%
The pirate got a new hook at The Secondhand Store.
%
I specialize in repairing Chinese typewriters.
I do get to meet loads of characters!
%
A woman at the bar last night wanted to buy me a drink.
Just one catch: it had to be in a to-go cup.
%
I've been yo-yo dieting.
The strings keep catching in my teeth.
%
This morning I got, "Your Password Is Weak!"
Well, so is my memory. I ain't changing my password.
%
My sister-in-law was told she needed to rotate her tires.
She declared they turn all the time.
%
I'm trying to buy some noise-canceling pickleball headphones.
%
Streaming now:
"America's Funniest Campaign Promises"
%
I got into a heated argument with my car's GPS.
Then my radiator boiled over.
%
What makes us human?
Selecting all images with traffic lights.
%
Once I landed my very first job,
I understood why chickens begin the day screaming.
%
Is it effeminate for a man to wash clothes in a gentle cycle?
%
What most impresses me about America parents is how they obey their children.
%
They don't make them like my brother-in-law anymore.
But just to be safe, I advised him to get a vasectomy anyway.
%
I looked into Otis Elevator as an investment.
It seems it has its ups and downs.
%
I left my job as a scuba instructor.
Deep down, I realized it wasn't for me.
%
Adult movies are misinforming the youth.
They give the false impression that an electrician or plumber are easy to come by.
%
Pound for pound, the amoeba is the most vicious animal on earth.
%
I deleted my account on TikTok.
I just didn't have the attention span.
%
I am my mother-in-law's only son-in-law.
And, still, I am not her favorite.
%
I've been installing unconnected wall switches in the house.
It'll drive the next owners crazy for years.
%
I always feel bad for the first adult I see,
after being cooped-up all day with the kids.
%
Sunbathing will be a new Olympic sport.
No Gold or Silver. Everyone will get Bronze.
%
My sister-in-law is very distraught.
She lost her recipe for toast.
%
I used to be in a band called the radiators.
We were a warm up act.
%
I dislike bullies, and I'm not in favor of revenge.
So, I always feel conflicted when they get what they deserve.
%
"Welcome to Plastic Surgery Anonymous."
"Nice to see so many new faces here today!"
%
The last person that quit or was fired
will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong ...
... until the next person quits or is fired.
%
Now that I retired, I can get to those long ignored projects.
I'll start on that can of bent nails that need straightening out.
%
My sister-in-law isn't picky. She just wants to meet a nice, decent guy.
It really doesn't matter what color his yacht is.
%
The other political party has no legitimate arguments.
Explains the ad hominem attacks by those dimwitted bozos.
%
My grief counselor died.
He was so good, I didn't even care.
%
My wife said, "If anything ever happens to me, find someone new."
Apparently, getting stuck in traffic doesn't count as <i>"anything".</i>
%
Patient, "I'm just so nervous. This is my first operation."
Doctor, "What a coincidence. Mine, too."
%
I went skydiving for the first time today -- a tandem dive.
Plummeting towards earth, he asked, "How long have you been an instructor?"
%
Burning bridges takes to much time.
I prefer explosives.
%
The thesaurus I bought had only blank pages!
I have no words to describe how upset I am!
%
Schrodinger was at the vet to pick up his cat.
The vet says, "I have good news and I have bad news."
%
I now longer have a night life.
It's more like a mid-afternoon life.
%
All of earth's water has been recycled over and over since the dawn of time.
You're drinking dinosaur pee.
%
I was asked for the meaning of "masochism" and "amnesia".
Beats me. I can't recall.
%
My idea did not go over well in the focus group.
So, I think I'll try with an out-of-focus group.
%
I'm launching another series of books aimed at kids.
Maybe this time I'll hit a few.
%
Teabags are getting more expensive.
Anger is brewing across Great Britain.
%
My wife's teeth are like heavenly stars.
They come out at night.
%
I wonder if birds call aircraft "Cultural Appropriation"?
%
Brother-in-law was laid off at the orange juice plant.
Apparently, he just could not concentrate.
%
I was arrested for studying a broad.
"It's called 'stalking'", the judge said.
%
I'm getting new glasses first thing tomorrow morning.
As for after that --- I'll see.
%
I've plotted all my past relationships on a graph.
It has an "ex" axis and a "why" axis.
%
My wife made me sleep on the couch for a couple of days.
It was much like camping ... with a really angry bear nearby.
%
My wife is afraid she's turning into her mother.
I, on the other hand, am <b>terrified!</b>
%
I told my wife I'd be ready in 5 minutes.
Why does she have to nag me every half hour?
%
Some days I swear I'm just going to give up.
Then some days I swear I'll never give up.
And some days, I just swear.
%
My brother-in-law has managed to weaponize incompetence.
%
I married a girl who worked in IKEA.
Our marriage fell apart after only 6 months.
%
I bought a new deodorant stick today.
Instructions said: Remove cap and push up bottom. Now I can hardly walk.
%
The solution of this problem is trivial,
and is left as an exercise for the reader.
%
I accidentally hit the wrong button on the elevator yesterday.
I spent the whole day working for some other company.
%
Friction is such a drag.
%
My wife's bursts of energy and my bursts of idleness <u>always</u> coincide.
%
I've made it through another year without being laid off.
Good News: I'm still here.&emsp;Bad News: I'm still here.
%
I had a lot of stuff to do today.
Now I have a lot of stuff to do tomorrow.
%
I dunno which is worse ...
... my driver's license photo or my high school yearbook photo.
%
I really aggravated my carpal tunnel patting the boss on the back.
%
The Dyslexic Postman ... always grins twice.
%
My phone must be broken.
I pressed the [HOME] button and I'm still at work.
%
I used to race cars.
Gave it up ... they were much faster.
%
Our local shoe factory burned down.
5,000 soles were lost. It's suspected some heels started it.
%
My brother-in-law got a new boat.
He named it "THE UNSINKABLE II".
%
Some people are like my old black &amp; white TV from college.
They need to be smacked around before they get the picture.
%
In school I only had to memorize the capitol of 13 states.
%
If I can make just one person laugh out loud and wet their pants,
I've had a successful day!
%
I see reports of folks my age mountain climbing.
I feel good getting one leg through my underwear without toppling over.
%
My brother-in-law wants to be "stupidly rich in the future".
Well, he's stupid and two-thirds of the way there.
%
I choose to write these wisecracks with irregular verbs.
They are cheaper and you really can not tell the difference.
%
My boss got a remotely piloted aerial vehicle and couldn't stop talking about it.
I tuned him out because he kept droning on and on and on...
%
In all honesty, she probably had some valid points.
Despite the fact that I wasn't listening to a word she said.
%
My favorite time is early in the morning -- when I'm at my best.
... as long as nobody wakes me up.
%
Pro Wrestling is stupid.
It just guys without trousers, fighting for a belt.
%
I attended a self-help paranoia meeting.
There were 2 parking lots - one for us and one for the people out to get us.
%
Customer in a bookstore asks if they have any books about paranoia.
The clerk whispers, "They're right behind you."
%
Breaking news: Dentists are going on strike.
Brace yourselves!
%
My gym spoke with me about my membership dues.
The believe I qualify for their money-back guarantee.
%
I always put my money where my mouth is.
That is ... after I convert it into pizza.
%
My financial planner says I'll only have to work until I'm 90 or so.
Then I should be able to live comfortably for two or three months.
%
Every time I find a good looking banana with a deep bruise beneath the skin,
I empathize.
%
I guess giving her the "side-eye" is not real eye contact.
%
I'm starting to feel the sizzle.
I like my workout jargon to be bacon-related.
%
"No child left behind" does not apply to school buses.
-- Ed Crankshaft
%
Not to brag, but I can forget what I'm doing whilst doing it.
%
Monday: A weekly event marked by the collective dread of its arrival.
%
If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?
%
Any fool can criticize, condemn and complain. And most do.
%
The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly,
and lie about your age.
%
It was a lot more fun being 20 in the '70s than being 70 in the '20s.
%
A computer scientist is someone who fixes things that aren't broken.
%
I think she's putting us on the Paleo Diet.
The dinner rolls were hard as rocks.
%
I should probably give up waiting for my ship to come in.
It would seem it tried to sail through the Bermuda Triangle.
%
Folks think my wife and daughter look like sisters.
Well ... they <i>were</i> separated at birth.
%
When I was a child, I had a lazy eye.
By the time I was 50, it had spread to the rest of my body.
%
I have nothing in common with people who
wash, dry, fold, and put away their laundry all in one day.
%
Never ask two questions in an email.
The reply will address the first, and say nothing about the other.
%
For years now I've been looking for my husband's murderer.
But nobody will do it for the price I'm willing to pay.
%
There's a new inflatable bikini top on the market.
It can be used as a flotation device and a flirtation device.
%
I still have no idea what miles per gallon my vehicle gets.
I've never been able to afford to fill the tank.
%
I tried out for the high school baseball team and amazed the coach.
He was amazed that I tried out.
%
Why does the Zoom company have offices?
%
I grew up in a broken home.
My parents couldn't fix anything on their own.
%
One way to make your old car run better is to look up the price of a new model.
%
Young folks think they know everything. Ha!!
Old folks know more about being young than young people know about being old.
%
I must have been really missed while away on vacation.
The boss started crying the minute she saw me.
%
It was a real iffy Chinese restaurant.
The fortune cookie was a hand written note stuffed into an Oreo.
%
I didn't sleep well. She was snoring.
I didn't poke her to roll over because I wouldn't sleep any better on the couch.
%
I've tried every lotion and potion that claims to fight aging.
I give up, and I'll look for something to just call a truce.
%
Remember when folks kept diaries and got mad when someone read them?
Now they post everything online, and get mad when people don't.
%
It was a total comedy of errors at work today.
Unfortunately, the boss can't see the comedy -- just the errors.
%
Too many folks are confusing bad management with destiny.
%
My wife and I have been through thick and thin.
But not in that order.
%
The cafe advertises "Breakfast at any Time".
So I ordered scrambled eggs in World War I.
%
The No Labels Party has no candidate.
Isn't it weird how that makes sense?
%
The reason it is called a "remote" is because
it's usually found in other rooms in the house.
%
I think I did something to make my sister-in-law mad at me.
I wish she'd tell me what it was. I'd like to do it again.
%
I was expecting a blind date with a "Knight in Shining Armor".
What I got was a conspiracy theorist in a tinfoil hat.
%
Well, that was a mistake.
The next time I open up to someone will be at my autopsy.
%
I have a couple of sock puppets for sale.
Anyone interested in taking them off my hands?
%
I applied for a job at a lotion factory.
They rejected me, but told me to keep applying.
%
Don't be irreplaceable.
If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
%
Truth is free, but information costs.
%
Actually, I'm glad to hear that I am sick.
I'd hate to think I'm supposed to feel this way!
%
My cookbook is a bit of a mess.
I use use bacon for bookmarks.
%
My new diet eliminates bacon ...
except on days ending in "Y".
%
With the pervasiveness of online gambling,
butt dialing is the least of my concerns. Now it's butt betting.
%
I was told to take the new medicine on a full stomach.
Ha!! Like I need to hear that!
%
I bought a new pruning guide for houseplants.
It's title is Plant Parenthood.
%
I checked the status of my Spring plants shipment.
They're still 'in root'.
%
My rancher neighbor asked for help rounding up 49 cows.
"Well ... okay. That's 50."
%
Let your weird light shine bright so the other weirdos can find you.
%
Memory fault - where am I?
%
You're using a keyboard! How quaint!
%
You need only floss the teeth you want to keep.
%
All my pets have middle names.
It helps when I'm angry when I call them.
%
Remember when phones were dumb &amp; people were smart?
%
My parents didn't raise any dummy!
And, if they did, it was my sister.
%
I'm getting real sick of food having calories.
%
My girlfriend thinks I'm insecure and nosy.
At least that's what she wrote in her diary.
%
Sometimes, when I'm very stressed, I hide under the shower until I can cope again.
I'm sorry about any droughts I may have single-handedly caused.
%
Old age just sort of sneaks up on you.
Kind of like the way a windshield sneaks up on a bug.
%
There's been some improvement in my finances.
I'm now teetering on the brink of solvency.
%
We went out and ate at a fancy restaurant last night.
How fancy? It did not have a drive-up window.
%
Recent studies show that human brains may be getting larger.
Notwithstanding all the evidence to the contrary.
%
So, I left work at 3 o'clock today.
"It'5 o'clock somewhere."
%
Nothing makes a fish bigger than almost being caught.
%
My company just drug tested my co-worker.
But they took the hair from her wig.
%
Everyone is an atheist until they clog a toilet at someone else's house.
%
It's Easter and my kids are out looking for eggs I didn't hide.
%
I'm gonna start my own YouTube channel just so my kids will listen to me.
%
You may as well get that tattoo.
Your family is already disappointed.
%
Never do anything you would not want to explain to the paramedics.
%
"I" before "E" --
except when your weird foreign neighbor receives eight counterfeit beige sleighs from feisty weightlifters.
%
I cut my carbs with a pizza slicer.
%
Old age is like underwear.
It creeps up on you.
%
The older you get, the uglier you are willing to go out in public.
%
The guy on the dating app said he was into fencing.
Turns out -- not the sport, rather stolen property.
%
I asked an Army colonel, "What's the lowest rank in the armed forces?"
"It's private."&emsp;"It's OK, you can tell me."
%
The problem with the rat-race is there's no finish line.
%
Fools ignore complexity. Pragmatists suffer it.
Some can avoid it. Geniuses remove it.
%
I don't lie. I just say, "According to my research..." and make something up.
That is <i>not</i> lying -- according to my research.
%
I'm streaming commercials that keep being interrupted by a movie.
%
I <i>am</i> a nice person -- just not in <i>traffic</i>.
%
I was lost in the Bronx where I saw a sign, "This door is alarmed".
I said to myself, "How do you think I feel?"
%
Look at your boss through the prongs of a fork and imagine him in jail.
%
Someone said, "... 30 years ago", and my mind went back to the 1970s.
But they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.
%
Jesus fed 5,000 people with two fishes and a loaf of bread.
That's not a miracle. That's tapas.
%
Words can't express how much I hate World Emoji Day.
%
A co-worker's doctor gave him a year to live.
He's been dead 6 months now. He oughta get a second opinion.
%
My math teacher said I was average. How mean!
%
Did you hear the joke about gaslighting?
... Yes you did.
%
Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same?
%
Why do chicken coops have two doors?
Because if they had four, they would be chicken sedans.
%
I found some 2% milk in the fridge.
But I can't find the charger for it.
%
The Curse of the Egyptian Mummy is real.
Everyone that entered King Tut's tomb in 1922 is now dead.
%
The Wright brothers built the first airplane.
Who built the last one?
%
I'd like to sit down. But if I do, I might not be able to get back up.
Hah! I say that like it's a Bad Thing.
%
I married her for her looks.
Just not the ones I've been getting lately..
%
My feet are restless and want to go jogging.
Fortunately the legs are in charge of the feet.
%
I was mugged by six dwarfs last night.
... Not Happy!
%
Old songwriters never die.
They just decompose.
%
I have racing geese for sale...
... let me know if you'd like to take a quick gander.
%
The Weight Watchers website asked me if I accept cookies.
I believe that was a trick question.
%
My son asked me what it's like to be married.
I told him to leave me alone, and when he did, I asked him why he was ignoring me.
%
Women marry men with the expectation they will change. They don't.
Men marry women with the expectation they won't change. They do.
%
I empathize with batteries.
I'm not included in anything, either.
%
They say such nice things about people at their funerals.
It makes me sad to realize that I'll miss mine by just a few days.
%
Doing nothing is very difficult.
You never know when you're finished.
%
Sincerity is everything.
If you can fake that, you've got it made.
%
If God wanted me to fly, He would've given me tickets!
%
I have a pacemaker, but it doesn't work very well.
Every time I fart the garage door opens.
%
I see folks posting math problems on Facebook like it's a game.
Look, if you need help with your kids' homework, just say that.
%
My friend and I were both born on 4/20.
We're best buds, and every year, we throw a joint birthday party.
%
My wife told me that if I died first, she'd go live with her sister.
I replied that if <i>she</i> died first, I'll do the same.
%
Support bacteria -- it's the only culture some people have!
%
Before the Marines could name their base at 29 Palms,
they had to ask the navy to come out and count the palms.
%
I prefer to refer to myself as 'formerly young'.
%
I've spent hours at the keyboard -- searching in vain --
for some simple relief from carpal tunnel syndrome.
%
I get most of my exercise trying to find my car in parking lots.
%
My brother-in-law keeps contacting me for help with various things.
I'd rather be a cameo in his life story than a recurring character.
%
I rode the elevator with our CEO this morning.
My understanding of the company reached a whole new level.
%
My car maintenance shop called with good and bad news.
The good news is my floor mats are in great condition.
%
Well, I'm finally getting somewhere with my high-fiber diet.
Mostly the bathroom, but....
%
What did they call really hard things before brain surgery &amp; rocket science?
%
My doctor suggested my wife and I install a bar in our shower.
We tried it, but the labels keep coming off the wine bottles.
%
I changed eye doctors recently.
I hope it goes well. I guess I'll see.
%
I was accused of scraping the entire Wikipedia website.
Fortunately I can explain everything.
%
The doctor says I need elective surgery.
It's something I never voted for.
%
Well, that didn't end well!
%
After all these years, she still has intense feelings for me.
Which explains the new restraining order.
%
My girlfriend accused me of cheating.
She's starting to sound like my wife.
%
I found a $50 bill and asked myself, "What would Jesus do?"
So, I turned it into wine.
%
The perversity of nature is nowhere better demonstrated by the fact that,
when exposed to the same atmosphere, bread becomes hard while crackers become soft.
%
As empty nesters, we no longer need children's menus when eating out.
Now we need the <font size=4><b>LARGE PRINT</b></font>, senior menus.
%
There be 2 groups of people you'd be hard pressed to offend on the Internet.
The illiterate and the Amish.
%
I never break the rules.
I just test their elasticity.
%
I don't spend much on a bottle of wine.
Less than a half an hour, usually.
%
A local rancher has been adding cannabis to his cattle feed.
It's really become a high steaks operation.
%
I don't like spreading rumors, but what else can you do with them?
%
I'm a misanthrope.
So! What's your&ensp;#!$%^"?&amp;^%$&ensp;problem?
%
I support everyone's right to be an idiot.
I may need it someday.
%
I like to think of stupid people as glow sticks.
I want to snap'em and shake'em until a light comes on in their head.
%
Meditation is not what you think.
%
It's so humid, you could poach an egg on the sidewalk.
%
It's not the fall that kills you, it's the sudden stop.
%
It's not hard to meet expenses; they're everywhere.
%
It's lucky you're going so slowly, because you're going in the wrong direction.
%
It's easier to get forgiveness for being wrong than forgiveness for being right.
%
No matter how cynical you get, it's impossible to keep up.
%
My congressman couldn't pour beer out of a boot if the instructions were printed on the sole.
%
Mistakes are often the stepping stones to utter failure.
%
Whatever misfortune may be your lot, it could only be worse in Cleveland.
%
When a man sits with a pretty girl for an hour, it seems like a minute.
But let him sit in the DMV for a minute -- and it's longer than any hour.
%
Torque is cheap.
%
Xerox did it again and again and again and ...
%
Lawrence Welk named his two girls, Anna One &amp; Anna Two.
%
There's a difference between those who pray at church and those that pray at roulette.
The people at the roulette table table really mean it.
%
The usual defense against logic is ignorance.
%
My boyfriend says he wants us to 'take things slow'.
It's understandable. He works for the post office.
%
I often let my imagination run wild.
That counts as exercise, right?
%
Seems my bread maker has gotten a yeast infection.
%
Just so you know; my default factory setting is "sarcasm".
%
How am I suppose to finish this text with all that&ensp;$^!#^&amp;%$!&ensp;honking?
%
I was advised to go on a low-sodium diet.
I'm gonna take that with a grain of salt.
%
We installed a security system to safeguard our possessions.
It now is the most expensive thing we own.
%
I woke up late this morning.
I'll make up for it by going to bed early.
%
My dream is to someday pay <i>so much</i> in taxes ...
... that I get accused of not paying "my fair share".
%
I'm a divorce lawyer.
Satisfaction guaranteed or your honey back.
%
Sticks and stones may break my bones.
But Tweets will never hurt me.
%
As a college English professor I grade a lot of papers.
This one reads like a combination of AI, Wikipedia, and beer.
%
My wife hates me. My kids hate me.
I started seeing a shrink. Now, I hate me.
%
Our neighbors, The Bergers, just had a child.
That's two Bergers and a small fry.
%
I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford.
Then I want to move in with them.
%
She informs me that I am the man of her dreams.
Well, not those <i>exact</i> words. It was "recurring nightmares".
%
I find one egg is en oeuf.
%
Once it hits the fan, there's only one rational choice.
Sweep it up, package it, and sell it as fertilizer.
%
My idea of roughing it is when room service is late.
%
I used to be superstitious.
But the internet told me it brings bad luck.
%
My husband and I have an open marriage.
I just haven't told him yet.
%
The bad news was the airline lost my suitcase.
But I finally found it ... on eBay.
%
I can remember when groceries only cost an arm <i>or</i> a leg.
%
I've stopped asking rhetorical questions.
What's the point?
%
When someone says, "I don't believe in coincidences", I say, "WOW! Me neither!"
%
When being chased by a pack of taxidermists, do not play dead.
%
Hiking is just walking where it's okay to pee.
%
The news anchor said, "Too many details can lead to anxiety."
Then she said, "Stay tuned for details!"
%
I tried to take one of those online IQ tests.
But I couldn't get past the part where I prove I'm not a robot.
%
"I think I just divided something by zero!"
Something you don't want to hear your self-driving car say!
%
Today is going quite well for me.
But I'm only on Cloud Eight.
%
My wife has switched us to almond milk.
But I'd rather have the udder kind.
%
Today I withdrew the last dollar from my retirement account.
It's the end of an IRA.
%
Two is not equal to three, even for large values of two.
%
"I see!", said the blind carpenter, as he picked up his hammer and saw.
%
Years ago I told my young son, "Do what you love &amp; you'll never work a day in your life."
He's now 29 and still playing online games in our basement.
%
A journey of a thousand miles begins with me being lost.
%
Some politicians don't have a leg to stand on ...
... because they put <u>both</u> feet in their mouth.
%
Morning should be shifted to a more convenient time of the day.
%
Uncertainty has always been my big problem.
Well, I think so... But then again ... maybe not?
%
Exit signs? They're on the way out!
%
Its hard to tell whether or not people are interested in joining my Sarcastic Club.
%
My friend Jill is a nudist and plays strip poker.
Whenever she loses, she has to put something on.
%
Dog: My owner takes care of me, feeds me and pets me. He must be a god.
Cat: My owner takes care of me, feeds me and pets me. I must be a god.
%
If being dim-witted was a crime,
my brother-in-law would get a life sentence.
%
My job at the battery factory has its pluses and minuses.
%
Logic is the chastity belt of the mind!
%
Why are there pop tarts but no mom tarts?
%
My wife's ultimatum: It was either her or my addiction to sweets.
The decision was a piece of cake.
%
When management talks about improving productivity,
they are never talking about themselves.
%
Behind every great computer sits a skinny little geek.
%
As a young man I got a tattoo of a lizard on my stomach.
Over the years it's become a Tyrannosaurus Rex.
%
The networks are reducing violence on TV by adding more commercials.
%
Spent the weekend working on my Jeep and it's done.
Done, I said! Not fixed!
%
Tacked-on airline fees are getting out of hand.
&bull;Doors&ensp;&bull;Tires&ensp;&bull;Windows&ensp;&bull;Engine cowlings
%
Don't bother showing me a picture of you when you were younger.
Show me a picture of you when you're older. Let me see that camera!!
%
How many optometrists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Is it one?&ensp;Is it two?&ensp;One&ensp;Or two?
%
My bank notified me that I have an outstanding balance.
I told them I do yoga.
%
I bought a manure business.
I didn't have any experience, I just stepped into it.
%
If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?
Seasonal allergies, of course. What?! You expected a Pilgrim joke?
%
When I was 6 I found out my grandfather was a twin.
A heads up before the funeral would have been nice
%
My friends experimented sexually in high school.
Not so cool. I was in the control group.
%
My boss texted me, "Hey! Send me one of your funny jokes."
I replied, "I'm working at the moment, I'll send you one later."
He replied, "HA! That's hilarious. Send me another one."
%
Sometimes I call the number on a missing cat flyer and just meow.
%
A job in the fast food service industry.
That's the prize for dropping out of high school.
%
Interchangeable parts won't.
%
Well, eating a donut wasn't cheating on my diet.
However, going on a diet was cheating on my donuts.
%
Nothing burns more calories than walking into a spider web.
%
Sixty-two years ago I ran the mile in 4 minutes and 36 seconds.
And I've been tired ever since.
%
I've been very depressed lately and my wife threatened to leave me.
Even that hasn't cheered me up.
%
I was given a flyer for an anger management class.
But I just lost it.
%
A friend sent me a joke in the mail.
It took me a few days to get it.
%
Is 65 too old to date?
No. It's called carbon dating.
%
As I aged I became glucose intolerant, then lactose intolerant, then gluten intolerant.
Now that I'm in my 80's I'm pretty much intolerant of everything.
%
When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
%
I hate sitting in traffic, because I usually get run over.
%
My mom always told me I'd be a terrible father.
No so! Received a letter from the IRS saying I have outstanding child support.
%
Look out for #1.&emsp; Don't step in #2 either.
%
At my age it's easier to list the prescriptions I'm <u><b>not</b></u> taking.
%
Chopsticks are one of the reasons the Chinese never invented custard.
%
I could joke about vegan food ...
... but it would be tasteless.
%
Genius is ten percent inspiration and fifty percent capital gains.
%
I classify my package tracking activity as a hobby.
%
Chemist who falls in acid will be tripping for weeks.
%
Since I now get all my bills by email,
why can't I just reply with the Subject: "UNSUBSCRIBE"?
%
I had to take up a second diet.
There wasn't enough to eat with just one.
%
I'm not sure about my psychiatrist's qualifications.
He always plays a laugh track in the background.
%
My blind girlfriend cheated on me
I never thought she'd be seeing anyone else.
%
Well, my performance review began on a low note.
The boss started off with, "Money is not everything."
%
I used to be know far and wide.
But now I'm just known ... wide.
%
I grew up in a really tough town.
The Welcome Wagon had gun turrets.
%
My divorce was finalized and everything was split 50-50.
She got fifty percent and the lawyers got fifty percent.
%
I wrote a sitcom about a commuter airline.
It didn't take off because the pilot was terrible
%
Most morning I get up and I look like I feel.
This morning I looked like my drivers license photo.
%
What's the outcome from mixing castor oil and holy water?
A new religious movement.
%
Procrastinators Unite!! -- Real Soon Now.
%
The most useless job on the planet is the guy installing BMW turn signals.
%
Sometimes insanity is the only alternative.
%
Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality
by spontaneously moving from where you left them to where you can't find them.
%
I attribute my success to intelligence, guts, determination, honesty, ambition,
and having enough money to buy people with those qualities.
%
The absent ones are always at fault.
%
Over the shoulder supervision is more a need of the manager than the job..
%
At my age, every word out of my mouth qualifies as oral history.
%
Reading about congress's misconduct has raise my hackles.
What wine pairs well with hackles?
%
My doctor says my vital signs are strong,
but their IT guy says my portal password is weak.
%
A blonde, a duck, and a rabbi walk into a bar.
The bartender asks, "Is this some kind of joke?"
%
What is the collective noun for a group of deaf people?
I don't know. But it is definitely not "a herd".
%
The mime received a prison sentence for unspeakable crimes.
%
Coach complimented me on my contribution to the game win.
I was at home -- sick in bed.
%
I love the smell of someone burning their bridges with me.
%
Getting older is really great --- except for the aging part.
%
I grew up in a really rough town.
The town flag was a tourniquet.
%
Just saw my wife with a puzzled look on her face.
She fell asleep on her jigsaw puzzle,
%
OK, the internet has become so pervasive, correct?
Why then do we still devote just April 1 to fools?
%
We got a second dog -- much smaller than our current.
So I'll have to install additional, smaller dog doors.
%
We decided to only smoke after sex.
I haven't had a cigarette in a month.
My wife is down to a pack a day.
%
Want to hear a really pedantic joke?
Well technically you're just <i>reading</i> it.
%
I met my wife at a singles night
Very disturbing, as I thought she was home with the kids.
%
Surveyed Americans are over whelming united in the believe that they are overwhelmingly divided.
%
FOX News editors are people who separate the wheat from the chaff.
Then they air the the chaff.
%
Shortest distance between two jokes = A straight line
%
I'm a really poor speller.
My spell-checker often slows down from fatigue.
%
I bought Jack Benny's violin at auction.
It smells funny.
%
I have a friend who is a one-man tribute band.
He performs as "The Grateful Dude".
%
Where is this list of "Essential Botanicals"?
%
Sure, I would like to lose some weight.
But, no more of those "Eat Right and Exercise" scams.
%
Supposedly people that use single word sentences to pose questions are smarter and better-looking. Thoughts?
%
My wife believes I don't like any of her family.
No so! I like her mother-in-law better than mine.
%
B.A.W.A. (Bowling Workers of America) are threatening a <b>strike</b>.
I'll <b>spare</b> you the details. Don't <b>pin</b> me down.
%
Out of all my wife's relatives I like her husband the best.
%
Received a very ominous call from my broker.
He started with, "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger."
%
A new law firm in town specializes in "Elder Law".
They focus mainly on pickleball injuries.
%
I could never remember things until I took that Joe Carnegie course.
%
If all else fails, lower your standards.
%
The advice is to question everything.
I wonder why?
%
I was told it's not the clothes dryer making my clothes shrink --
It is the refrigerator.
%
I've selected the cheapest option for my funeral.
It's called the "Outside The Box" special -- a plain brown paper bag.
%
If at first you don't succeed, try again the way your wife told you.
%
There's one thing I require in a any employer:
Loud footsteps.
%
I promised to spend my whole life trying to make her happy.
To be honest, I didn't think I would live this long.
%
I didn't report my stolen credit card because he was spending less than me.
But that all changed when I noticed his wife started using it.
%
My parents spanked me as a child.
I now suffer from a condition called "Respect For Others".
%
After 65 years I still call by wife "darling", "beautiful", and "honey".
I forgot her name 5 years ago and I'm too scared to ask her what it is.
%
My sister-in-law claims to be 'Super Popular' on social media.
I believe that's like being super rich in Monopoly.
%
My wife never complained ... until I got hearing aids.
%
Years ago I could walk into a store with $20 and walk out with a case of wine.
Can't do that today. Too many cameras!
%
We keep a potato masher in the drawer
because it's sometimes fun to not be able to open that drawer.
%
Customers are now required to unload the semi-trucks at the SuperStore.
This will be in addition to your self-checkout duties.
%
Tossing and turning at night should be counted as exercise.
%
My sister-in-law was told as a child her face would freeze that way.
You can't say she wasn't warned.
%
I don't use Google.
My wife knows everything.
%
We know why women live longer than men.
Shopping never causes heart attacks. Paying credit card bills does.
%
The advance of Artificial Intelligence doesn't concern me.
What concerns me is the decline of real intelligence.
%
My friend asked to crash on my couch for the night.
Had to explain: I'm married now and that's where I sleep.
%
I'm told that yoga makes you relaxed, flexible and loose.
Well, so does wine -- without all that sweating!
%
My attempts to 'live in the moment' are always disrupted by the arrival of other moments.
%
My sister-in-law invited us over for a First- Class Dinner.
I would rather have eaten in Economy.
%
If a man - deep in a forest - speaks with no women nearby,
is he still wrong?
%
Always wanted to lock the new generation in a room with a rotary phone,
an analog clock, &amp; a TV with no remote -- and leave instructions in cursive.
%
The coffee shop has a sign, "No WiFi. Pretend like it's 1975."
So I paid 10&cent; for my coffee and lit a cigarette.
%
She claims I ruined her birthday.
No so. I didn't even remember it was her birthday.
%
In school, I was voted least likely to succeed
I asked my boss to prove an entire graduating class wrong!
%
My analyst says I have developed a phobia of phobias.
sigh... I was afraid of that.
%
My husband's password is not 12345678.
He's more clever than I gave him credit for.
%
Measure twice, cut once.
%
My doctor asked me if I've fallen recently.
Well, I occasionally do an unscheduled gravity check.
%
I wanted to go to the funeral -- really!
But they don't validate parking.
%
My sister-in-law ordered a cake for my birthday. It came:
&emsp;&nbsp;HAPPY BIRTHDAY
&emsp;Sent from my iPhone
%
"I love you."
"Is that you talking or the wine?"
"It's me talking <i>to</i> the wine."
%
A married man should forget his mistakes.
There's no sense in two people remembering the same thing.
%
For our 30th wedding anniversary I took my wife to Malta.
For our 40th anniversary, I'll go back and pick her up.
%
My wife gave me a "Get Better Soon" card.
I'm not not sick. She just thinks I can be better.
%
My wife and I often exchange our views and opinions.
I come with my own and leave with hers.
%
I always get in the last words with my wife, "Yes, Dear!"
%
My brother-in-law claims he can read minds.
Actually, it makes him telpathetic.
%
I asked my wife what she's "burning up for dinner".
It turns out to be all of my personal belongings.
%
I asked my wife what she loved most about me -- my toned body or charming face?
"Your sense of humor."
%
Husband &amp; wife are sleeping when she suddenly shouts, "Quick; my husband is back!"
Husband gets up at lightning speed and jumps out of the window.
%
I've been on a low-calorie diet for a month now.
All I've lost so far is the will to live.
%
I bought my blind friend a cheese grater for his birthday.
He said it was the most violent book he'd ever read.
%
How does a number feel after losing ⅓ of its value?
numb
%
I hired a monkey as a delivery driver for my fruit company.
He drove me bananas.
%
To the lady at Costco with her son on a leash.
I'm sorry I asked if he was a rescue.
Thank you for not siccing him on me.
%
I asked my pregnant wife if she was hungry.
She answered, "No. I gestate."
%
1 + 1 = 3, for large values of 1.
%
My transformation into a bitter old man is almost complete.
%
I read that 4,153,237 people got married last year.
Not to be fussy, but shouldn't that be an even number?
%
I've been taken to task for being so grouchy.
But I've reached that age where I stop being polite, and start telling the truth.
%
I believe that "Latte" is Latin for "You paid too much for your coffee."
%
I am told to follow my bliss.
However, my bliss requested and got a restraining order.
%
The jury foreman announces, "Not guilty."
"Fantastic!", says the defendant. "Does that mean I get to keep the money?"
%
My husband and I argue so much that with the stress I've lost 15 pounds.
I'd leave him, but I want to lose another 10 pounds.
%
I dressed my dog up as a cat for Halloween…
Now he won't come when I call him.
%
I dressed up my dog as a mailman for Halloween.
He bit himself.
%
Apparently one in ten Americans are conceived in an IKEA bed.
I find that astounding, because those places are really well lit.
%
I'm looking for the girl-next-door type.
I'm just gonna keep moving till I find her.
%
My diet was going so well.
Then the second day came along.
%
Never invest your money in anything that eats or needs repainting.
%
The good news is the elections will be over soon and someone will win.
The bad new is ... someone will win.
%
A lot of people hate elevator music.
But I find it uplifting.
%
I'm bisexual.
I have sex once every other year.
%
In the <i>'The Hunchback of Notre Dame'</i> we have a hero with a twisted back story.
%
Let's discuss elevator music...
I think it's awful on so many levels.
%
Traditions are basically peer pressure from long-dead people.
%
What is the difference between oral and anal thermometers?
The taste.
%
Most blonde jokes are one liners, so brunettes can remember them...
%
How come you never see a headline like, "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
%
Got some bad news from my doctor.
I have an irreversible condition called aging.
%
I start drinking as soon as the kids are in school.
Does that make me a bad teacher?
%
A smile is just a frown that's not paying attention.
%
My analyst says I'm paranoid...
Well, she didn't actually say that, but I know that's what she's thinking.
%
I tried to come up with a restraining order joke.
But, this is as close as I'm allowed to get.
%
One way to figure the cost of living is to take your income and add ten percent.
%
Neckties strangle clear thinking.
%
Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggy" until you can find a rock.
%
There was a sign in the restroom, "Employees must wash hands!"
I gave up after waiting 10 minutes, and I washed them myself.
%
The U.S. Senate Ethics Committee meeting has been postponed ...
... until the chairman can post bail.
%
The Motto of U.S. Politics:&ensp;"If you're not part of the solution,
there's good money to be made prolonging the problem."
%
I ate so much comfort food that I'm now very uncomfortable.
%
Do people think with an accent?
%
Way back in high school typing class I could type 95 words per minute.
Granted ... almost none of the words were in the dictionary.
%
A <i>Civil</i> Engineer is one who never shouts "@$!!?@%$!" when his bridge collapses.
%
I told her I wanted a 'trial separation'.
So she tried to separate my neck.
%
I understand your frustration at my procrastinating.
I promise to do better -- just you wait and see!
%
My insurance offers me a new pharmacy plan.
It's a bus ticket to Canada.
%
I've been told to clean out the garage.
Apparently my hobby has been 'Collecting Hobbies'.
%
A Hunch: The collective noun for a group on teenagers on their cellphones.
%
I am not passive-aggressive ...
... unlike <i>SOME PEOPLE</i>
%
Someday somebody has got to decide whether the typewriter is the machine,
or if it's the person who operates it.
%
I usually go to bed at 11:00 PM.
I can only count on my Tylenol PM for 1 hour.
%
Can anyone remember when the times were not hard,
and money not scarce?
%
I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something.
%
My ex is looking for someone to love her just the way she is.
Well, sure ... as long as she's willing to change.
%
Teacher informs us that it is a pleasure having our son in her class ...
... all evidence to the contrary.
%
It's frustrating that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs
cannot survive two weeks under my care.
%
I won't be impressed with technology until I can download my dinner!
%
Never let your job stop you from acting unemployed.
%
I'm not technically a lawyer, but I have three court cases next week.
%
People seeing my newborn ask, "What's his name."
Dunno. He won't tell us.
%
My body is a machine that turns company time into binge tweeting.
%
My phone app says the walk to the bar will take 10 minutes.
Strange... It says the walk back will take 40 minutes.
%
If you die owing money, then you've won.
%
I need to find a woman who loves me for my money, but doesn't understand math.
%
Yes, I know about about Valentine's Day.
But at my age, an affair of the heart is a bypass.
%
I asked a counselor what job should I get.
She said, "Nose."
%
She died what she always loved...
walking on to streets while saying, "Pedestrians have the right-of-way."
%
I just realized that British folks read these jokes in a British accent.
So reprehensible!
%
Alcohol kills 2.5 million people per year.
But, think about how many people it also produces.
%
Do you prefer your ibuprofen hot dog or hamburger style?
%
Always leave room to add an explanation if it doesn't work out.
%
Put your Nose to the Grindstone!
-- Amalgamated Plastic Surgeons and Toolmakers, Ltd.
%
My wife prides herself in her stick-to-your-ribs meals.
It's been 2 days now, and it won't get unstuck.
%
I plan to get married on my birthday.
That way I should be able to remember our anniversary.
%
Remember when folks used to actually be excited about their party's nominee?
... Yeah. Me neither.
%
I must be eating right.
I'm pretty much shaped like the Food Pyramid.
%
My brother-in-law will reach a point in an argument where he realizes he's wrong,
but he needs to keep arguing anyway.
%
Protons, neutrons and electrons are the little things that matter.
%
My young son is beginning to get curious about the human body.
I'll need to hide it somewhere else now.
%
The average person spends a third of their life in bed.
Amateurs.
%
It's said, "It takes a village..."
Well, I think it also takes a vineyard.
%
The days have been getting longer ever since the Winter Solstice.
It's time to ask for a raise.
%
My sleep aid&thinsp;:&emsp;C-SPAN 2
%
I've noticed that being smart is trending less than being dumb.
%
An optometry class is full of pupils.
%
When I was young I wanted to play the guitar really bad.
And so I do.
%
A neutron walks into a bar and asks, "How much for a beer?"
Bartender replies, "For you? No charge."
%
"When one door closes,&ensp;another one opens."
-- Boeing
%
They always say daylight savings is a good idea.
Nah. I give it just six months.
%
That's my brother-in-law --- always trying to ice skate uphill!
%
When you're ugly and loved, you know you are truly loved.
Beautiful people never know who to trust.
%
I got it. but just in case...
Tell me again. I wasn't listening.
%
Wife left me because I was eating pasta in bed.
Been feeling Cannelloni…
%
Only through hard work and perseverance can one truly suffer.
%
When my husband makes me angry,
I look at him through a fork and pretend he's in jail.
%
I think Worcestershire Sauce is my favorite condiment.
Dunno why. It's hard to say.
%
Trucks of Worcestershire sauce and Quinoa collided at a charcuterie market.
When interviewed, a witnesses reported, "Well, it's difficult to say."
%
A co-worker died after eating a giant bacon cheese burger.
It was mine.
%
I was introduced to a famous lady vegetarian.
I'd never heard of herbivore.
%
A student announces that his favorite letter is the "G".
A teacher confronts him and asks, "Why is that, Angus?"
%
If you're looking for immortality, simply subscribe to an email list.
%
I may have inadvertently forgotten my budget this week.
%
"Poor man... he was like an employee to me."
%
When my brother-in-law is left to his own devices,
he cannot figure out how to use them.
%
Well, I now know how many times she will say, "I'm not going to ask you again!"
%
It's taken me years to get comfortable in my own skin.
But, to be honest, it doesn't fit as tight anymore.
%
They had to update Yoga for the new generation.
They've added the pose, "Downward Facing Phone".
%
I was accused of eating the last donut.
In my defense, they weren't labeled and I didn't know which one it was.
%
My memory is sharp and I've never used any over-the-counter pills for it.
At least, not that I can recall
%
Marie Curie was a beautiful scientist.
She became more radiant everyday.
%
My landlord walks around like he owns the place
%
"May ya live as long as ya want, and not want as long as ya live!" is an Irish toast.
"Bread, cinnamon, eggs and maple syrup!" is a French toast.
%
Trendy companies these days employ a diversity officer ...
which is always a woman, because it is cheaper.
%
Just returned from our first father-son fishing trip.
Didn't go well. He kept making friends with the bait.
%
My husband owns a bank.
I have always been attracted to loaners.
%
Real Users never use the Help key.
%
I just bought my fiancée an engagement ring.
Diamonds are forever ... and so are the payments.
%
The way to create a small fortune in the stock market is to start with a large one.
%
Sometimes the only solution is to find a new problem.
%
The one good thing about repeating your mistakes is that you know when to cringe.
%
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
%
The difference between Genius and Stupidity is that Genius has limits.
%
The decision didn't have to be logical, it was unanimous.
%
The problem with being best man at a wedding is that you don't get a chance to prove it.
%
How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?
"Don't bother. I'll sit in the dark. I don't want to be a nuisance to anybody."
%
I don't get it. The trail looked so flat on the map.
%
Things are more like they used to be than they are now.
%
There's at least one fool in every married couple.
%
I chose the road less traveled, and now, I have no idea where I am.
%
Today is the first day of the rest of your misery.
%
I wonder what the Swiss army does with those wee little red knives.
%
I've been late to work 4 times this week.
That means today is Thursday, right?
%
I don't believe in showing off.
Sent from my iPhone&nbsp;
%
My bank reports that my "Rainy Day" account has reached drought conditions.
%
I used to refer to my knees as the left one &amp; the right one.
Now it's the good one &amp; the bad one.
%
I didn't learn much at today's company-wide employee meeting.
But I had a lot of my suspicions confirmed.
%
The only reason my brother-in-law is still employed.
Firing him would be too much paperwork.
%
My career was a 3-Step Action Plan.
Hired.&emsp; Fired.&emsp; Retired.
%
Women love mythical creatures.
Vampires. Werewolves. Unicorns. Men who listen.
%
By law, you have to turn your headlights on when it's raining in Sweden.
I'm thinking, "Who the hell is going to tell me when it's raining in Sweden?"
%
It was reported that a dyslexic pimp bought a warehouse.
%
After the divorce my wife gave me a new comb.
I guess it was the ultimate parting gift.
%
A Guess: The collective noun for a group of meteorologists.
%
I refused local anesthetics.
I want the imported stuff.
%
Why can't medications have <u>positive</u> side effects?
%
This sentence no verb.
%
I finally went to the library to check out Success Through Careful Timing.
It had <i>just</i> been checked out!
%
Can you be a closet claustrophobic?
%
I'd decided to have a positive attitude about my job and my managers.
It's not working. It was a stupid idea.
%
Zombies would never overrun Washington D.C.
There's damn few brains to eat.
%
I tried cybercrime,
but I missed the human contact.
%
They say unskilled labor is the problem.
I say it's unskilled management.
%
He who laugh last, probably did not get the joke.
%
I'll be presenting my jokes telepathically.
If you think of something funny, it was me.
%
Today's date matches my high school locker combination.
But, I can't remember what I had for breakfast.
%
Equipment will be damaged in direct proportion to its value.
%
A failed invention: Left-handed toilet paper.
%
There's one thing I liked about my mother's cooking.
It's was free.
%
There's a reason my sister-in-law has a weight problem.
Her favorite food is seconds.
%
Waste not --- get your budget cut next year.
%
If you don't want your dog to have bad breath,
do what I do: Pour a little Listerine in the toilet.
%
Romance is a game, and sometimes you have to play hard-to-get.
The last time I played hard-to-get, I pulled a hamstring.
%
Don't ask me to repeat myself; I wasn't listening either.
%
Don't be upset with indolent co-workers!
They haven't done anything!
%
My brother-in-law informs me he's starting an eraser company.
He just wants to get the word out.
%
I don't think adults get that much fun.
The most fun we get is revolving doors.
%
Some people can't sleep because they have insomnia.
I can't sleep because I have WiFi.
%
If you can't finish your work in the first 24 hours, work nights.
%
I'm back in the game.
If it's still the game I think we're playing.
%
The doctor gave me the go-ahead to buy green bananas.
%
I do not have a problem with sarcasm.
I have a problem without it!
%
I'm trying to use my phone less around the kids.
So, I'm spending less time with my kids.
%
My memory is great. For example, I know <u>every</u> phone number.
I just don't know who they belong to.
%
Science has proven that people with more birthdays live longer.
%
I turned 11 on 11/11/11.
Edit: that's 11/11/11 for the non-Americans.
%
Interviewer, "So where do you see yourself in five years?"
Me, "I'd say my greatest strength is listening."
%
Gambling Addiction Helplines would be more popular if every 10th caller was a winner
%
Hi, there! How have you been?
Well, I have been younger...
%
I was prescribed some pills for my back pain.
I can still feel the pain, but now I just don't care.
%
My friend - an acupuncturist - has retired.
She's doing needlepoint to pass the time.
%
My wife is getting in touch with her roots.
ancestry.com? No. The Lotus Salon &amp; Spa.
%
The local Mime Society had a Zoom meeting.
As always, everyone was on mute.
%
Why do they make Jawbreakers so big...
I'm trying to wrap my head around it.
%
I just had the most ominous shiver!
I think someone Googled my obituary.
%
The older I get the more I refer to things as 'whatchamacallits'.
%
I can imagine a lot of things I could due with the money I earn.
However, about all I can do these days is owe it.
%
I went to a massage parlor.
It was self-service.
%
A clerk stopped a robbery by attacking the guy with a labeling gun.
The cops are looking for a dude ...... with a price on his head.
%
I ate at an outdoor restaurant last night..
Pouring down rain! It took me an hour to finish my soup.
%
BREAKING NEWS: Oil tanker capsizes off the coast!
Film at 11:00
%
When you're dead, you don't know you're dead. It's only painful for others.
The same applies when you're stupid.
%
The average human has one one Fallopian tube.
%
Remember, if you don't sin, then Jesus died for nothing.
%
The average human has one one testicle.
%
I've never been the life of the party.
At best, I'm the faint pulse of a potluck.
%
My idea of roughing it turning the air conditioner to low.
%
All the ladies know I'm single and available.
And they intend to keep it that way.
%
I was asked to use "despair" in a sentence.
"I keep de spare tire in de trunk of de car."&ensp;I got de tention.
%
I so old I remember when most nouns were not verbs.
%
The just banned and recalled the drug I was taking.
They say the side effects prove to be too much fun.
%
Don't ever marry for money.
You can borrow it much cheaper.
%
My car just texted me!
It wants an oil change.
%
If you delete your browser history, are you doomed to repeat it?
%
When you get to be as old as I am, most of your sentences start with:
"When you get to be as old as I am....."
%
I don't think we do get smarter as we get older,
I think we just run out of stupid things to do.
%
As I got older I started seeing my childhood toys in antique stores.
But lately I've started seeing them in museums.
%
I can count the total number of mistakes I've made in life on one hand.
... when that hand is holding a calculator.
%
Adam and Eve were fortunate.
They didn't have to deal with in-laws.
%
My chubby sister-in-law has more chins than a Chinese phone book.
%
Do I love my job? No.
But does it offer me a comfortable lifestyle? Also no.
%
Do you know what I like about politics?
Ahhh... I see you can't come up with anything either.
%
Over a lifetime I've managed to lose a lot of things.
Of all the things I lost, I miss my hips the most.
%
It helps to remember some people just act that way because that's just the way they are.
%
Artificial Intelligence is something that really, REALLY worries me.
In the good old days, I only had to worry about artificial sweetener.
%
It's infuriating when I lose my train of thought.
However, it's usually just an engine and caboose.
%
Alexander Graham Bell is alive and well in New York.
And he is still waiting for a dial tone.
%
The authority of a person is inversely proportional
to the number of pens in their pocket protector.
%
Can you remember back before 'social media'?
Back when everything was science-based?
%
Yeah, running makes one feel great.
Except when comparing it to not running.
%
My newest invention has evoked zero interest.
It's a solar-powered pacemaker.
%
Artificial Intelligence is becoming so wide spread.
Makes you wonder if reasoning is still an option.
%
Punctuality's problem is that nobody's there to appreciate it.
%
I always look for something good to praise people about.
For some people I'm still looking.
%
You can't wear reading glasses with LARGE PRINT books.
It feels like your book is yelling at you.
%
I recently had to get in touch with my inner child.
I needed them for help setting up my new 'smart' TV.
%
An old friend of mine bled to death from a paper cut.
It happened when filling out his forms for medical insurance.
%
A friend's secret to a long-lasting relationship:
Every year he takes her to a foreign country.
Every <i>other</i> year he goes back and gets her.
%
You can't have everything... where would you put it all?
%
Most of my money is spent before it even comes in.
Can't convince the IRS that it's not really income.
%
We gave up and installed carpet to match the cat's hair balls.
%
The person who makes no mistakes does not usually make anything.
%
Lima beans &amp; Brussels Sprouts. Liver &amp; Haggis. Biden versus Trump.
All things <i>nobody</i> asked for.
%
There's one thing I want to be remembered for --
being the longest-living person.
%
I'm prepping for my colonoscopy tomorrow,
It's not the worst ordeal in the world, but it's way, <b><u>way</u></b> up there!
%
Politics is kindergarten, but without the maturity.
%
We're going to remain a couple.
It's important to show the kids we'd rather be together than happy.
%
When it gets into Fall, swim suits are on sale at half off.
I bought a swim suit in the Spring and can't even get it half on.
%
The credit card company put a freeze on my card.
They were alarmed when it was used it to buy a treadmill.
%
I'm thinking of becoming a math teacher.
There are a lot of pluses and minuses.
%
My girlfriend left me after I was diagnosed with alopecia.
It's hair loss.
%
Finally replaced my prosthetic hand.
Found it at a secondhand store.
%
I went to the park earlier to play Frisbee with my dog.
I definitely need a flatter dog.
%
If you're not home in 10 minutes, I'll give your dinner to the dog!
I got home in 5 minutes. I'd hate for anything to happen to the dog.
%
When I was born I got a birth certificate. When I die, I'll get a death certificate.
Everything in between is just a long, sad stretch of participation trophies.
%
It's a shame I couldn't stay in touch with my old high school pals.
But, I owed all of them money.
%
My uncle is pretty good at flipping houses.
Yesterday he did his 8th RV.
%
Mommy, "Am I adopted?"
"No dear. We only put the ad in yesterday."
%
Honesty in a shop's window sign:
Losing Lottery Tickets Sold Here!
%
Beer contains hardly any vitamins.
That's why you have to drink a lot of it.
%
I'm afraid I'll never make ends meet.
They're so far apart, they have to email each other.
%
I had to call in sick this morning.
Could swear I heard applause in the background.
%
So, if I could live my life over, what would I do differently?
Everything -- because I can't remember how I did anything.
%
Some people carve careers, others chisel them.
%
Another useless, no agenda, staff meeting called by our boss.
We call him Chairman of the Bored.
%
I drank a little too much last night because it was a special day.
It was Friday.
%
The years are flying by, but I don't want to go back in time.
And I <b>really</b> don't want to go forward, either!
%
I'm glad the telemarketer called.
I had forgotten it was time for dinner.
%
The clerk asked me if I was a senior citizen.
I think maybe the wrong one of us was wearing the glasses.
%
Archaeologists believe it took over 20 years to complete the Great Pyramid.
Must have been the same contractor we had for our kitchen renovation.
%
I used to have snow tires. Never again. They melted in the Spring.
I won't even mention the fail with my wood stove.
%
Ambidextrous ... me? More like anti-dexterous.
I'm equally clumsy with both hands.
%
I was at an Alabama restaurant and ordered a chicken sandwich.
I complained when the waitress gave me an egg sandwich.
She told me, "In this state, they're the same thing."
%
My dad could frame and wire a house, fix a car, &amp; operate a backhoe.
On weekends he ruled a convent with an iron fist.
He was jack of all trades and a master of nuns.
%
I get emotional when I hear these two words said at a wedding.
Open bar.
%
My mom is lactose intolerant.
She is non buy-dairy
%
The non binary gold prospector proclaimed, There's gold in them/their hills!
%
I told the ophthalmologist that my eyes burn after sex.
He thinks it's the mace.
%
Woe is the man of leisure.
He can never stop and take a rest.
%
I finally had to get glasses for distance vision.
Wow! I never knew traffic was this bad!!
%
Math is 80% boredom and 40% frustration.
%
Is knowledge knowable? If not, how do we know that?
%
I'm reading a book about aging.
It's title is From Here To Infirmity.
%
I was thrown out of the mime academy.
Supposedly it was something I said.
%
In my boring home town we would go down and watch them unload chickens at the poultry plant.
I seldom went. I didn't like dressing up.
%
My parents still haven't apologized for making me so butt ugly.
%
I've lost a few pounds, but most of that is hope.
%
We've settled all the terms of our divorce except public displays of relief.
%
Nothing lasts forever.
That includes that diet I started way back on Monday.
%
My search history is filled with me Googling words...
... just to make sure I use them right.
%
He died how he lived: untangling his earbuds.
%
I can give you one cause of anaphylaxis in a nutshell.
%
I'm all for computer dating.
But I wouldn't want one to marry my daughter.
%
My usual after-dinner mint is a antacid.
%
Why do we want intelligent terminals when there are so many stupid users?
%
Without freedom of speech ....
.... we wouldn't know who the idiots are.
%
As a kid I was made to walk the plank.
We couldn't afford a dog.
%
You know what that means when someone pays you minimum wage?
If I could pay you less, I would, but it's against the law.
%
The London Marathon had one runner dressed as a chicken and another dressed as an egg.
I thought, "This could be interesting."
%
My dog will occasionally eat ethnic.
Right now he's eating Meow Mix.
%
Kids need to realize I've been young a lot longer than they have.
%
There's only one thing I want to do with snow right now.
Watch it melt.
%
I bring an emotional support animal to all my meetings with my manager.
It's a Komodo Dragon.
%
I thought about taking up skateboarding. After all, age is just a number.
Then again, so is the insurance co-pay.
%
If you do what you love, you will never work a day in your life.
I'm pretty sure that's not possible making Power Point presentations.
%
How many Germans does it take to change a light bulb?
It takes a lot, because many Hans make light work.
%
I'm in a Good Place right now. Well ... not emotionally.
I'm in the checkout line at the liquor store.
%
If you have to ask how much it is, you can't afford it.
%
Life is cheap, but the accessories can kill you.
%
For Lent this year I just gave up hope.
%
My wish is to be poor for just one day.
Because every day is <i>way too much</i>.
%
I told a joke on a Zoom meeting today.
Nobody laughed. Turns out I'm not even remotely funny.
%
Pravda is running a contest for the best political joke.
The first prize is 20 years.
%
I'm haunted by the ghosts of two snowmen.
Icy dead people.
%
Explaining the colors in the German flag:
Red = work, Yellow = work, Black = work, Blue = sense of humor
%
Germans take their humor very seriously.
Indeed, a German joke is no laughing matter.
%
I tried to make reservations at the library.
But they were fully booked.
%
Great idea, Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore.
Where there are tons of free shells, idiot.
%
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record,
I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
%
Never argue with an idiot.
They'll drag you down to their level &amp; beat you with experience!
%
When a mad employee starts applying to other companies, it's called Rage Applying.
Unless it's me -- then it's called Tuesday.
%
I avail myself of the offerings in Continuing Education.
For 3 years now I've taken the wine tasting course.
%
I'll probably never retire. I love my job so much.
Wait! It's not my job I love -- it's sarcasm.
%
I bought my mother-in-law a gift at the Dollar Store.
Because we have no Fifty Cent stores here.
%
The wages of sin are unreported.
%
The more they over-think the plumbing the easier it is to stop up the drain.
%
I am a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a towel.
Why the towel? Well, that's another mystery.
%
People say I have no feelings, but actually I have six.
%
I've reached the age where <i>everyone</i> gets put on speakerphone.
%
My new girlfriend keeps me grounded in reality.
We met at a meeting of The Flat Earth Society.
%
My wife asked me what mansplaining means.
Now what am I supposed to do?!?
%
I was at death's door this morning.
Luckily, death's doorbell was out of order.
%
If you can't understand it, it is intuitively obvious.
%
There's one drawback to being unemployed.
You don't get to enjoy casual Fridays.
%
Please, Facebook! Stop suggesting people I might know.
I do know them. I don't like them.
%
The rule for a happy marriage is the same as the rule for living in California.
If you find a fault, don't dwell on it!
%
I can still get into my Little Black Dress.
I just can't go out in public wearing it.
%
We're remodeling the house.
A bigger front porch for the packages.
%
There's one thing that inspires me to get out of bed every morning.
My bladder.
%
There is nothing good on TV these days.
And they keep interrupting it with commercials!
%
Absence makes the heart go yonder.
%
Never trust a computer you can't repair yourself.
%
It doesn't matter that my memory isn't what it once was.
That's because I can't remember what it was.
%
The HOA demands that I bring in the trash toter, close the garage,
and lose a few pounds.
%
My sister-in-law is the poster child of indecision.
%
Two wrongs do not make a right.
But, three lefts do.
%
In the U.S., someone has a heart attack every 40 seconds.
We should find that person and get them some serious medical attention.
%
My brother-in-law will never have to worry about intellectual property theft.
%
Everyone in the cafe was deep in their smart devices -- probably texting LOL.
Looking around, I didn't see <i>any</i> signs of laughter.
%
There's a new attraction at the carnival.
The Tunnel Of It's Complicated
%
My wife and I are responsible for making major decisions together.
If there's a disagreement, we defer to the tiebreaker --- my wife.
%
If I could choose to have dinner with anyone living or dead.
I would choose the living one.
%
Use lactose in a sentence.
Mermaids have fins, but they lactose.
%
My phone should know if the passcode is entered incorrectly 3 times, it's me!
%
The lady at the coffee shop asked, Can I get a name?
What?!? Her parents never gave her a name?
%
There's a difference between ghosts and spirits -- a 90 proof difference.
%
My employment at the Valentine Card Factory was short.
It was really just a heart-time job.
%
If it is a Conspiracy Theory, any sort of evidence will suffice.
But if it is a Fact, proof is necessary.
%
If I'm watching a 1999 show on a streaming service,
I want all the commercials to be from 1999, too.
%
I'm not a <u>Former</u> Gifted Student. I'm still gifted!
Put me in a 4th grade class and I'll crush them like I did the first time.
%
Usually I do, too is not the correct response to I love you.
%
Whoever wrote Whistle while you work obviously never worked with anyone who did.
%
Machines that have broken down will work perfectly when the repairman arrives.
%
2.4 statute miles of surgical tubing at Yale Univ. = 1 I.V.League
%
Entropy isn't what it used to be.
%
My laptop informs me it wants me to update.
My laptop expects too much of me.
%
She always gives me two choices for dinner.
Take it or leave it.
%
I've decided to sell all my chiropractic magazines,
I have a lot of back issues.
%
The confusion of a staff member is measured by the length of his memos.
%
The moving cursor writes, and having writ, blinks on.
%
He who is content with his lot probably has a lot.
%
I keep a landline to call my cellphone when it's misplaced.
%
I told the kids to not think about it as a divorce.
Rather, think of it as taking the family in a different direction.
%
I'm retired and no longer get up at the crack of dawn.
Now-a-days I get up at the crack of noon.
%
I recently had an Out-Of-Body experience.
But, sadly, I came back to this old one.
%
Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the Special Olympics?
%
Bad officials are elected by good citizens -- who do not vote.
%
I saw a box of dead batteries on CraigsList.
They were free of charge.
%
My wife started horse riding to try and lose weight.
It worked. The horse lost 30lbs in thirty days.
%
I was the teacher's pet when I was at school.
She couldn't afford a dog.
%
I have a new job working at a smoothie bar.
I'm blending in well.
%
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
%
Just finished a book on the psychology of camping.
It was in tents.
%
Got caught sniffing Whiteout Liquid the other day.
I've been admitted to a correction center.
%
I went to an army post cafeteria recently.
It was a mess.
%
My sister-in-law uses her personality as a contraceptive.
%
Hedgehogs; Why can't they just share the hedge?
%
Tofu is over-rated. It's just a curd to me.
%
The nice part about living in a small town is
when I don't know what I'm doing, someone else does.
%
On CraigsList: Free legless parakeet. No perches necessary.
%
I ordered a chair for my mother-in-law, but I had to send it back.
It needed a special circuit to be plugged in.
%
Xerox and Wurlitzer are going to merge and make reproductive organs.
%
The longest sentence in the English language: I do.
%
Is Karl Marx's tomb a communist plot?
%
I've got a spider in my keyboard.
Not to worry, I've got him under control.
%
I'm learning to joust in the evenings.
Well, it's actually knight classes.
%
My friend always has the last word with his wife; "Yes, dear."
%
Women like silent men; they think they're listening
%
I've been on so many blind dates, I must be eligible for a free dog.
%
Spent 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriend's bra off -- and gave up.
Now I wish I'd never put it on!
%
Levi Strauss died on September 26, 1902 and was never married.
Ironically he didn't pass his genes on to the next generation.
%
I usually feels better after a few winks, especially if she winks back.
%
Many things can be preserved in alcohol.
Dignity is not one of them.
%
My sister-in-law bought a Smart Car.
It won't let her in
%
Investors are turning a decommissioned Boeing 747 into trendy restaurant,
I can't see that taking off
%
How many Republicans does it take to change a light bulb?
<font size=4>CHANGE ! ? ! ?</font>
%
I before E, except after C.
Disproved by science
%
My friend is a nervous flyer and asked, How often do these planes crash?
The pilot answered, Just the once.
%
I used to be in a band called Missing Cat.
You've probably seen our posters.
%
I have a contact lens problem.
I have no contact lens solution.
%
The worst pub I've ever been to was called The Fiddle.
It really was a vile inn.
%
I could hear music coming out of my printer the other day.
The damn paper was jammin' again.
%
My friend texted me to ask, What are you doing right now?
I texted back, Probably failing my driving test.
%
I just watched a documentary on the uses of a pick axe.
It was ground breaking stuff.
%
My friend can't get a date, even though he speaks two languages fluently.
English and Klingon.
%
What's amnesia?
%
A recent study found that a woman's, I'll be ready in five minutes,
and a man's, I'll be home in five minutes, are exactly the same.
%
It's weird this craze of cow tipping.
What would they do with the cash anyway??
%
As a child, my Dad would put me inside a tire and roll me down a hill.
Gee, those were Goodyears!
%
Common sense is like deodorant.
The people who need it most rarely use it.
%
My Ultra Sensitive toothpaste doesn't like it when I use other toothpastes.
%
I have a make shift job at a computer keyboard factory
%
If you lose one sense, your other senses are enhanced.
Explains why folks with no sense of humor have an increased sense of self-importance.
%
I'm really into Grandfather clocks -- big time.
%
Darth Vader had a corrupt brother, Taxi Vader.
%
The water's so hard where we live, the plumbers have to work in pairs.
%
My gambling addiction cost me my marriage,
or as I like to think of it, won me a divorce.
%
Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.
%
I'm waiting for the day that scientists discover a cure for Natural Causes.
%
I've been dating a TV weather girl.
It's a change to date a woman that isn't right all the time.
%
It's, Jamaican hairstyle day, at work tomorrow.
I'm dreading it.
%
Doug Engelbart, inventor of the computer mouse, died at age 88.
It's shame they couldn't right click and save him.
%
A bus full of jazz musicians broke down on the highway.
Drivers experienced lengthy jams.
%
If humans stood in a single file line around the equator,
most of them would drown.
%
Working on my Mother-in-law's grave today.
She thinks it's a Koi pond I'm digging.
%
I don't see the point of a pocket calculator,
who doesn't know how many pockets they have?
%
I saw a golf cart parked in a handicap spot this morning.
I thought to myself, I wonder what his handicap is?
%
I haven't spoken to my wife for days now.
I don't like to interrupt her.
%
The world origami championships were on TV.
Sadly it was on paper view.
%
My girlfriend commented, "Sex is better on holiday."
Worst. Postcard. Ever.
%
Jehovah's Witness don't celebrate Halloween.
Ironic really, they don't like random people knocking on their door.
%
Earl Tupper, inventor of Tupperware, died in 1983.
His funeral was delayed as they couldn't find the right lid for his coffin.
%
I went to the library and asked, "Do you have any books on shelving?
The librarian said, "yes all of them.
%
I submitted my application to the Optimist Club.
But I don't think I'll be accepted.
%
It's okay if you have no idea what "prefix" means.
It's not the end of the word.
%
Is it solipsistic in here, or is it just me?
%
A Russian pessimist says, "Things could not get worse."
A Russian optimist replies, "Oh yes they can."
%
They say a Freudian slip is when you say one thing, but you really mean your mother.
%
I saved loads of cash on the new iPhone yesterday.
I didn't buy one.
%
Exaggeration: without it the world would end.
%
My friends say I'll believe anything.
Damn, I suppose they're right.
%
Headline: "Man lucky to be alive after being hit by a train.
I think I'm luckier: I've never been hit by a train.
%
I saw a sign in a shop: <b>Mosquito Nets $10</b>.
I didn't even know bugs could play the lottery.
%
I'm not paranoid, but I'm sure people think I am.
%
I told a volcano joke at the gym today.
The whole place erupted.
%
Why, oh why, don't people poof read their jokes?
%
I just saw a pretty girl with a massive gut.
What a waist.
%
The suburbs is where the developer rips out the trees,
then names the streets after them.
%
What the large print giveth, the small print taketh away.
%
Viagra supposedly reduces the risk of Alzheimer's.
That's quite hard to forget.
%
I went to a wife swapping party recently.
I got a TV.
%
Some people are REAL. Some people are GOOD.
And some people are REAL GOOD at faking it.
%
I took the money I was saving for my honeymoon and bought a cemetery plot.
%
There's a Highway To Hell, and there's a Stairway To Heaven.
It explains a lot about the anticipated traffic volume.
%
Our place settings at the new restaurant each had <i>three</i> forks!
Each additional fork moves the decimal point one place to the right.
%
We're renting a motor home and the 5 of us are leaving tomorrow.
Sounds less like a vacation and more like a hostage situation.
%
There are so many probiotics choices on the store shelves.
And you obviously can't just trust your gut.
%
I never thought I'd ever spend 2 hours a day in a gym.
And, I was right!!
%
Sure, The truth will set you free.
But, first it will make you miserable.
%
I'm sick of political jokes...
We've seen too many of them get elected.
%
If you are not part of the solution, you're probably a presidential candidate.
%
We need to show compassion for the mentally impaired...
without letting them run for President.
%
Why do Americans choose from just 2 people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
%
St. Patrick drove the snakes out of Ireland.
I wonder if he would do that for Congress.
%
The Gen-Z generation <u>does</u> believe in hard work.
They just feel someone else should be doing it!
%
A meeting is an event at which the minutes are kept and the hours are lost.
%
I don't know how that happened!
My waistline now exceeds my inseam.
%
No publisher is interested in my autobiography.
It's the story of my life.
%
The nearby middle school removed <u>The Merry Adventures Of Robin Hood</u> from the shelves.
There was too much Saxon violence.
%
You can fool some of the people all of the time.
That's pretty much my company's customer base.
%
Fast, cheap, good: pick two.
%
After my dad's birthday, my mom puts his Happy Birthday card away.
She will then give him the same card again next year.
%
I never offer suggestions for meals.
I signed a non-compete.
%
My wife is mad because I never finish any household projects.
She forgets that - when we were married - I signed a non-complete.
%
Sure, money can't buy happiness.
But, it can buy almost everything else.
%
The cookie was broken, and the paper in it was blank and gave me a paper cut.
It was a misfortune cookie.
%
Math skills are probably not all that important when you're guessing.
%
<b>Politics</b> (N.), The conduct of public affairs for private advantage
%
I think I had an imaginary friend as a child.
Not sure. In any case, we didn't keep in touch.
%
I have patience -- it just gets overrun by my passion.
%
Any more debt and our family can form our own government.
%
I have to keep telling my brother-in-law,
Face up for snow angels!
%
My neighbor has two dogs named Timex and Rolex.
They're his watch dogs.
%
Most people will listen to your unreasonable demands,
if you'll consider their unacceptable offers.
%
"Waiter, there's a hearing aid in my soup!"
<b>"WHAT?!?!?"</b>
%
I am a total expert in body language.
For example, I see you don't believe me.
%
I get paid by car companies to make people feel uncomfortable on mass transit.
%
I hate it when I lose things at work.
Like my favorite coffee cup, or the freaking will to live.
%
I was a real annoying little troublemaker in school.
So much so, that the teacher used to play truant!
%
I failed my class in photography.
I just couldn't focus.
%
I'm employed in an underwear factory.
We don't have meetings -- just brief chats.
%
I write a lot of short fiction ... mainly to-do lists.
%
I can read him like a book.
However, his pagination is out of order.
%
I bought a new AI-enabled electric stove.
Every time I attempt to cook, it orders pizza online.
%
I'd like to think I have a grip on reality.
But, reality has a headlock on me.
%
Building a better mousetrap merely results in smarter mice.
%
I posted on social media that I would no longer seek validation from strangers.
So far it's gotten 155 LIKES.
%
I used my dog's shampoo by mistake.
And now I feel like such a Good Boy!
%
Every day I tell myself, Roy, stop drinking so much wine.
Thankfully, my name is not Roy.
%
The National Center For Memory Studies was established in 1998...
... and again in 1999.
%
Sometimes my best ideas are the ones I make up in my head.
And my worst ideas are the ones I actually act upon.
%
I was the object of a custody battle as a child.
However the judge ruled that my parents had to keep me.
%
You'll always be crazy to someone who finds they cannot manipulate you.
%
Is it really a bank statement,
or a record of my bad decisions?
%
Why is it I can remember a B&amp;W Saturday TV serial from 60 years ago,
but I can't remember why I came into this room?
%
My friend was a cop that never fulfilled his greatest career wish.
He always wanted to tell a mime he had the right to remain silent.
%
I'm really awkward at the game of jenga.
I guess the odds are stacked against me.
%
She came to bed at 3 AM You're drunk I said.
She asked, How do you know? You live next door, I replied.
%
The wages of sin are high but you get your money's worth.
%
Three-day weekends make you realize you don't actually hate Mondays.
You just hate your job!
%
The difference between a career and a job is about 20 hours a week.
%
I'd rather be led to hell than managed to heaven.
%
The gym's trainer pronounced me Fit As A Fiddle..
Granted -- a <u>really</u> old fiddle...
%
Wouldn't it be nice if the folks who have money, used it...
...the way people who don't have any say they would if they did?
%
Something to think about:
In the future, <i>today</i> will be someone's Good Ol' Days.
%
I don't hold any resentment of the younger generation.
I just resent that I'm not part of it.
%
There's one possible reason that things aren't going according to plan.
There never was a plan in the first place.
%
The price of feathers has risen, so even down is up!
%
If it wasn't for doctor appointments, I would have no social life at all.
%
Why did the Roman Empire collapse?
What is the Latin for office automation?
%
The degrees of freedom between me and The Grim Reaper are shrinking.
%
Nothing motivates a man more than to see his boss put in an honest day's work.
%
It puzzles me how identity theft is on the rise.
Especially since so many people don't know who they are to begin with.
%
Deep down I just want to be loved for my personality.
I can't wait to find out which one he picked.
%
They only one who got everything done by Friday was Robinson Crusoe.
%
It's an election year.
It'll be one manipulative, oversimplified agenda after another.
%
My doctor had some good and some bad news for me.
The good news is they'll be naming a disease after me.
%
Texting is the best way to miscommunicate how you feel,
and misinterpret what other people mean.
%
I went on a blind date last night.
It didn't start that way. She had pepper spray.
%
Giraffes are majestic animals.
I've always looked up to them.
%
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Just one, but he gives it a surprise twist at the end.
%
Two days of trials and errors will save you a whopping 15 minutes of reading the instructions.
%
What's the difference between gray and grey?
One is a color, and the other is a colour.
%
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb?
Just Juan.
%
If I have not seen so far, it is because I stood in a giant's footprints.
%
Arguing with my wife is like reading a Software License Agreement
In the end, I ignore everything and just click I agree.
%
My state has both the highest rates of depression &amp; the most cheating spouses.
It's a sad state of affairs!
%
I used to get all my news with my smart phone and my morning coffee.
Now I get the news on TV in the evening with a strong drink.
%
I've been brushing my hair, and now most of it is gone.
I'm afraid to brush my teeth now.
%
If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary form.
%
Statistics means never having to say you're certain.
%
I had an appointment with the proctologist yesterday.
When I showed up I was told he was running a little behind.
%
The title of Wisdom Tooth must be an inside joke among the rest of the teeth.
%
If I didn't have insufficient funds, I wouldn't have any funds at all.
%
It's not Free Speech if I have to keep paying the Swear Jar.
%
My doctor made me quite nervous yesterday.
During my exam, she kept saying, "Oh, My!"
%
I watched a documentary about wisdom teeth.
It was called <i>An Inconvenient Tooth</i>.
%
How come the people who claim to know everything,
never know when to shut the hell up??
%
My wife is not herself today.
And I'm trying to enjoy it for as long as I can.
%
If tomatoes truly are fruit, wouldn't ketchup be a smoothie?
%
An attractive lady asked me for my number today.
And then she asked for my birth date and insurance card.
%
I had loses and gains on my last Las Vegas trip.
Two hundred dollars and seven pounds.
%
Of course there's no reason for it. It's just our policy.
%
When it comes to humility, I'm the absolute greatest!
%
It's a cruise ship for families with children.
It's called ARE WE THERE YACHT?.
%
My therapist just published a book on Reverse Psychology.
He forbids me to buy a copy. Now I <i>really</i> want one.
%
Saying I was fired seems so harsh.
I'll just claim to be employment impaired.
%
This has been Day Three of her Soup du Jour.
%
My daughter says that dating is much like buying shoes.
Sometimes the cute ones are painful in the long run.
%
Sometimes a woman needs to let a man be another woman's headache.
%
My brother-in-law is the most giving person I know.
As long as it doesn't involve money.
%
Some people are like trees; deeply rooted; tough bark; or sunny branches.
My wife is like a twig. She'll snap any second.
%
I considered suing my neurosurgeon, but he changed my mind.
%
I'm actually recovering from slipping on a banana peel.
The doctor has upgraded my condition to Hilarious.
%
After the tin can was invented, they invented the can opener --
fifty years later!
%
I was a CIA musician.
It was a covert band.
%
Yesterday I received a spam email saying my TikTok account was deleted.
For a second I was really scared that I had a TikTok account.
%
While out walking the other day, I came across a crowbar.
I'd never seen so many drunk birds in my life.
%
A wise man once said, If idiots could fly, TikTok would be an airport.
%
TikTok demonstrates one thing well: Darwinism
%
Pain is nature's way of reminding you who's in charge.
%
My wife still remembers our first date.
I'd left my wallet in the apartment.
%
The truth of a proposition has nothing to do with its credibility.
And vice versa.
%
I'm going to take up meditation.
Now people won't criticize me for siting &amp; doing nothing.
%
The professor said I can't sleep in his class.
If he were a little quieter, maybe I could.
%
Remember the old days when we just drew mustaches on the posters of detested politicians?
%
After any salary raise,
you'll have less money at the end of the month than you did before.
%
When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
%
If you can't learn to do it well, learn to enjoy doing it badly.
%
Horoscope says I'll meet the woman of my dreams today.
Dunno how my wife is gong to handle that.
%
I want to gift my Mother-In-Law a Caribbean trip this summer.
But, sadly, Gitmo is not an option.
%
There's a Monday in every single week this year.
Seems a bit excessive to me.
%
When I was born and before I could talk,
how did they know what my name was?
%
I was top sales person this month -- earning Employee Of The Month!
Before I get the award they want me tested for performance enhancing drugs.
%
I ran into my ex-wife at the grocery store last week.
The doctors say she'll be discharged next week.
%
I ran into my ex-husband at the gym last week.
His doctor says there'll be a permanent limp.
%
Bob And Ruth were biking down a hill and Ruth hit a tree.
Bob continued on biking&emsp;--&emsp;Ruthlessly.
%
I wish Facebook would let you laugh at a 'FRIEND' request.
%
My granddad went into in a home today.
Amazing! At 89 years and he's still an active burglar.
%
Build a system that even a fool can use and only a fool will want to use it.
%
Money can't buy love, but it improves your bargaining position.
%
I thought their wedding went well --
until the pastor said, Past performance is no guarantee of future outcome.
%
Money is the root of all wealth.
%
Politics is simply show business for ugly people.
%
If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.
%
No man is an island if he's on at least one mailing list.
%
The good news is my retirement account will allow me to retire at 62.
The bad news is I'll have to go back to work when I'm 63.
%
When I was young I had That Certain Something.
I just don't know where I put it.
%
When I was a kid we already had Two Factor Authorization.
Both mom <u>and</u> dad had to say yes.
%
My phone got hacked &amp; now there's indecent photos of me all over the internet.
And nobody is looking at them.
%
Kids these days! They think they know everything.
I'd like to see them change a typewrite ribbon.
%
I keep wondering when my Skinny Jeans are going to kick in.
%
The universe is an island,
surrounded by whatever it is that surrounds universes.
%
I've spent so much time online shopping that I have carpel tunnel.
So, I ordered a wrist brace online.
%
Never trust anyone who says.
%
There's an old saying: "The Good Die Young".
I believe I'm living proof that ain't so.
%
I slipped and fell on my icy sidewalk.
My headache was a foregone contusion.
%
Maybe I need new hearing aids.
I can barely understand myself talking to myself.
%
With age  comes wisdom, and
the ability to leave a party early by specifying a doctor's appointment.
%
My wife said she'll lighten her hair.
I did not know it was that heavy.
%
This is disturbing!
My bank app just sent me a two-minute warning.
%
It's a dog-eat-dog world.
And I'm wearing hamburger underwear.
%
The Hobbits had a very advanced computer network.
It was a Tolkien Ring...
%
There is hardly a thing in the world that some man can not make
... a little worse and sell a little cheaper.
%
I often run out of food and cat pictures for my Instagram account.
Maybe having a kid would fill in the gaps.
%
My doctor wants me to have some cosmetic surgery.
She doesn't like the looks of my gall bladder.
%
In the job interview they said they were looking for someone like me.
Just <i>not</i> me.
%
I reached my daily step goal on my 3rd trip to the buffet table.
%
Been there. Done That.
sigh... Many times -- because I never learn.
%
Many websites are not broken, they just behave that way.
%
Advertising may be described as the science of
arresting human intelligence long enough to get money from it.
%
Seems the overwhelming response against logic is ignorance.
%
My analyst asked if I get along with my in-laws.
Seriously?!? That's why I'm here on his couch.
%
My home town was very 'hick'.
For High Fashion the ladies wore open-toed bowling shoes.
%
Money is its own reward.
%
Why do women refuse to admit their age, and men refuse to act theirs?
%
I lost my accounting job because I made math errors.&ensp;Go figure.
%
The professor took my calculator away during the math test.
Go.&ensp;figure.
%
My mother-in-law had a coat made for her.
Now squirrels are on the endangered species list.
%
My doctor faults me for sitting too much.
I think I understand.
%
Maybe you think Noah fed all the creatures on the Ark by fishing.
Nope. Remember, he only had two worms.
%
I would never have asked my mom to name her favorite child.
It would have devastated my sister.
%
My kids have been on eBay all day.
Maybe I should lower the price....
%
Isn't it weird that you have to <i>try</i> to go to sleep?
You lie down, cover up, close your eyes, and pretend to be asleep until it happens.
%
Shrinkflation: Reducing the number of chips in a bag.
Pretty soon the chips will come individually packaged.
%
I'm still waiting for the wisdom that comes with age.
By the time I get it, I won't be able to make use of it.
%
My New Year's Resolution are always radioactive.
Most have a half-life of 2 to 3 months.
%
Don't you hate it when you've been working all week -- and it's only Monday?
%
My wife thinks I've lost all interest on my gym membership.
Now, I don't say she is <i>wrong</i> to think that...
%
My boss felt he wasn't spending enough time with his family.
So, he hired them.
%
I recently read Pacemaker Repair For Dummies&copy;.
It was heart-wrenching.
%
I tried to get a date with a heart surgeon.
But she chose to bypass
%
I told a very funny joke at work, and now HR want's to hear it, too.
%
I tried to leave work a little early,
but the boss reminded me I had another 7 hours left.
%
Did you ever wonder, do garbage collectors take showers before they go to work?
%
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
The second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
%
I recently resolved to be far less concerned about what others think.
<i>How does that sound to you?</i>
%
I recently underwent a operation.
There's one thing that they removed for sure -- my savings.
%
My sister-in-law uses an 'app' to help with birth control.
I like to think of it as The Algorithm Method.
%
My wife watched a documentary on the epidural.
She said it was spine tingling.
%
The magic of my tropical vacation just ended.
The credit card bills just arrived.
%
At my age I cannot do half the things I used to do.
That's OK. I should've never done them in the first place.
%
Technology is taking the joy out of life.
My smart TV complains about my constant channel clicking.
%
I don't have freckles. I have moles.
And at my age they usually mean, Maybe a doctor should check this.
%
So, it's often been said we are here to help others.
OK. What are these others here for?
%
I tried to purchase a self-help book on Low Self-Esteem.
But the cashier did not think me worthy enough.
%
I saw a TV documentary on the history of spoons.
It was stirring.
%
People wouldn't worry about what others think of them,
if they knew how very seldom they think of them.
%
My wife asked for my honest opinion on her diet results ...
... keeping in mind that she prepares most of our meals.
%
I gained 10 pounds over the Thanksgiving &amp; Christmas Holidays.
So, I've made a New Year's resolution --- to grow another 18 taller.
%
There's a reason why worry kills more people than work.
It's because more people worry than work.
%
My life is a lot like television.
I'm sure just one more click will bring me something interesting.
%
There's one difference between my company and the Titanic.
The Titanic had paying customers.
%
Succeeding isn't the only measure of success.
%
If you don't have anything nice to say, post anonymously.
%
My hobby is collecting insects.
You should see the collection on my windshield.
%
I wanted to get away for the long holiday weekend.
But I couldn't find a designated driver.
%
It is difficult to soar with eagles when you work with turkeys.
%
Years ago I wore bell bottom pants.
Now the bell is at the other end.
%
This year I'll stop drinking wine for good.
Henceforth I will drink wine for evil!
%
They'll give me the loan.
But they also want an article of clothing with my scent.
%
sigh... Otter Correct strikes again…
%
I just spent 20 minutes on the treadmill.
Tomorrow I plan to turn it on.
%
Slow reader here.
Just joined The Book Of The Year Club.
%
Many people write memos to tell you they have nothing to say.
%
Never be hard on yourself.
That's what other people are for.
%
The boss noticed me today.
He said I should start using deodorant.
%
My soap bottle says, How To Use: Wet hands and apply soap.
Anyone needing those instructions has issues that soap cannot solve.
%
For large values of one, one equals two, for small values of two.
%
Drilling for oil is boring.
%
We stopped arguing about money because the issue was moot.
%
We were very poor when I was a kid.
We picked out our Christmas trees on December 26.
Sometimes they were even still decorated.
%
No skis take rocks like rental skis!
%
Decaffeinated coffee? Just Say No.
%
I had to return the smartphone I was talked into buying.
It made me feel stupid.
%
The reason my wife doesn't gets the gifts she wants
is that I never listen when she talks.
%
As a child my gifts were always a pack of batteries.
Toy Not Included
%
My new job driving an ice cream truck was cut short.
I didn't know I was supposed to <i>sell</i> it!
%
This last Christmas turned out very skimpy.
I think Santa has access to my browser history.
%
It annoys my wife when I introduce her as My first wife.
%
It upsets my wife when I introduce her as my ex-girlfriend.
%
I have a supply chain joke, but you might not get it for a while.
%
I was told Santa would be a little late this year.
Two towns over he slipped on some solar panels and is laid up.
%
How many supply chain managers does it take to change a light bulb?
None, the light bulb delivery is late.
%
A limerick packs laughs anatomical
Into space that is quite economical.
&emsp;&emsp; But the good ones I've seen
&emsp;&emsp; So seldom are clean,
And the clean ones so seldom are comical.
%
Agree with me now, it will save so much time.
%
My home town was so small that when the family with the car went on vacation,
the gas station and drive-in theater had to close.
%
A little experience often upsets a lot of theory.
%
Above all else - sky.
%
A penny saved kills your career in government.
%
Yelling at New York cab drivers in English wastes your time and theirs.
%
A friend of mine will never get a divorce.
He hates lawyers more than he hates his wife.
%
A gourmet restaurant in Cincinnati is one where you leave the tray on the table after you eat.
%
A farmer is a man outstanding in his field.
%
Never attend an event with a 500 to 1 person to Port-A-Potty ratio.
%
My December pay check has to last me the whole 8 weeks of January.
%
Surely you can't be serious.
I am serious, and don't call me Shirley.
%
My sister-in-law uses a word processor.
You've seen what food processors do to food, right?
%
A man who keeps stealing mopeds is an obvious cycle-path.
%
I go on working for the same reason a hen goes on laying eggs.
-- H.L. Mencken
%
Joseph and Mary should've known they'd find no room at the inn.
The inn would've been all booked up for Christmas.
%
Most people would like to be delivered from temptation,
but would like it to keep in touch.
%
All politics is loco.
%
Situational ethics often require I be brutally dishonest at work.
%
The local general store will have two Santas this year.
One regular Santa, and an Express Santa for 6 toy requests or fewer.
%
We left the party without thanking the hosts.
We felt waking them up in bed would be impolite.
%
My kids are convinced Santa's workshop is in China.
%
Some women apply perfume so that everyone in the restaurant can 'enjoy' it.
%
Artificial Intelligence: puppets that pull their own strings.
%
Adding features does not necessarily increase functionality.
It just makes the manuals thicker.
%
The Grinch didn't hate Christmas, he hated the people he had to co-exist with.
That's something I can <i>completely</i> understand.
%
The best things in life go on sale sooner or later.
%
I wonder what wine pairs with my mother-in-law's visit?
%
It's nice that they track my package so I'll know when it arrives.
It's the least they can do, since they've been tracking me for years.
%
Ice cream alone cannot fill the emptiness of my soul.
I need cake, too.
%
The boss sent me an email saying I over analyze things, and signed it "Great!"
I wonder what he meant by Great!?
%
Just when you get a handle on the cost of living, the cost of aging grows.
%
Statistics are often used as a drunk uses lampposts
--- for support rather than illumination.
%
Without the weekdays, we wouldn't have the weekends to look forward to.
%
They say fruitcake never goes bad.
Maybe it's a case of it never being good to begin with.
%
The church party offered an incredible mulled wine.
In the recipe it was called Amazing Grapes.
%
Airline travel has gotten so unbearable.
If you want more arm &amp; leg room, it'll cost you an arm &amp; a leg.
%
The hardest part of climbing the ladder of success
is getting through the crowd at the bottom.
%
This website claims to be secure.
So, why does it keep asking for feedback? Seems so needy!
%
I walked 1,332 steps today.
I've been to hell and back.
%
For my 13th birthday my dad took me to a fair.
It was a job fair.
%
A man visits every bar in La Paz -- hoping to drink himself into Bolivian.
%
My grade school math teacher taught me how to subtract.
She really showed me how to make a difference.
%
It is much harder to find a job than to keep one.
%
We're selling our home before our adult kids can move back in.
%
Now I know why I never found the presents my wife got me.
She hid them under a pile of unfolded laundry.
%
Regardless of whether a mission expands or contracts,
administrative overhead continues to grow at a steady rate.
%
Brother-in-law wanted to know why he wasn't invited to the party.
Well ... because I knew he'd come.
%
My brother-in-law is going to run for city council.
I feel it's my civic duty to stop him.
%
Spring forward, and Fall back.
I went too far and ended up in 1947.
%
I tried to donate my body to science.&emsp;They said No.
%
I saw my neighbor using the city work crew's port-a-potty.
Then I remembered he had four daughters.
%
Where there's a will, there's an Inheritance Tax.
%
<font size=5>&sung;&sung;</font>&emsp;Santa sees you when you're sleeping; he knows when you're awake.&emsp;<font size=5>&sung;&sung;</font>
If it was anyone else, I'd be looking into a restraining order.
%
I read a Wiki article on sponges.
It was absorbing.
%
<b>Hyperbole</b> (N.), The greatest, most outstanding, most fantastic noun in the English language
%
There's one thing missing from the Work From Home scenario.
It's the joy of going home at the end of the work day.
%
When my children mock me when I need help with my smart phone,
I remind them I taught them how to use a spoon!
%
I'm training for a pie-eating contest.
I don't know of any such contest, but so what?
%
If you didn't have to work so hard,
you'd have more time to be depressed.
%
If you wish to stay happy in life, don't read the [COMMENTS] section.
%
Don't you hate it when they let left-handed people put twist-ties on food packages?
%
It's a good thing they married each other.
Otherwise there would've been <u>four</u> miserable people.
%
I was wondering what my ex was up to these days.
So, I bought a police scanner.
%
If a man does the laundry, and his wife isn't there to see it,
did it really happen?
%
My wife and I have a December 'arrangement'.
I pretend to enjoy Christmas shopping, and she pretends to like bowl games.
%
As someone who supposedly outgrew staying up late for Santa,
I spend way too much time hitting [REFRESH] to see if my packages have arrived.
%
The Elf on a Shelf has retired.
He's now The Elf on Fixed Income.
%
The ambulance service has a driver with his name tattooed across his chest.
His name is &emsp;<b><span style=display: inline-block; transform: scale(-1, 1);>CHARLES</span></b>
%
There are several brick and mortar stores I will not shop at.
I really don't like their holiday music playlist.
%
It's not my fault I'm overweight.
My shampoo gives me more body.
%
My brother-in-law is cheap.
He only buys used Christmas trees.
%
All my friends seem to have their ducks in a row.
Me -- I have squirrels.
%
Printer paper is strongest at the perforations.
%
The waffle iron was invented for people who had wrinkled waffles.
%
Factoid: Most Canadians live south of Seattle.
%
Factoid: Greenland is more north, south, east, and west than Iceland.
%
Factoid: No part of West Virginia is west of Virginia.
%
Factoid: The Atlantic mouth of the Panama Canal is west of the Pacific mouth.
%
Bank tells me I can't afford a $1200 mortgage, so instead I pay $2000 in rent.
%
My good friend has a very niche job.
He's a lobbyist for the National Association of Lobbyists.
%
He is sure he likes me more than I like him.
So wrong! I don't like him at all!
%
The start of my wife's sentences always snip off the end of mine.
%
I should not have had those 6 bowls of alphabet soup.
Wow! All those vowel movements!
%
It would be risky for Miss Piggy to be on Dancing With The Stars.
She could pull a hamstring.
%
We've been invited to our neighbor's New Year's Eve Party.
But, after last year, they're asking for a $300 damage deposit.
%
I was struck by lightning when I was in the Air Force.
For which I received a <i>good conductor</i> medal.
%
It isn't true that every woman wants to get married.
Every woman I've asked has said no.
%
My wife says she is annoyed by my constant whining.
She's getting me a prescription for Emotional Kaopectate.
%
I shouldn't've used my cat's name for my password.
Today we received a large box of catnip, frozen tuna, and frozen mice.
%
I guess we're all donating our year-end bonuses to Jim's World.
Our CEO, Jim, and his family will distribute the funds to local hotels and vendors in Italy.
%
No amount of careful planning will ever replace dumb luck.
%
Retirement means that when someone says Have a nice day,
you actually have a shot at it.
%
Every time my phone is recharged,
I can't help feeling a little envious.
%
I'm sorry I'm late ... but I got here as soon as I wanted to.
%
How many member of congress can fit into a clown car?
%
My son wants Christmas to be more like Halloween --
going door-to-door, getting homemade cookies and fudge.
Now that's all I'm going to think about...
%
I felt like the house really needed to be clean.
So I started a craft project until the feeling passed.
%
She and I disagree on what we think of me.
%
My wife insisted on a fairly extensive prenuptial.
It even covers how the toilet paper roll goes.
%
I'm not sure what makes me feel older --
the slang my kids use or my reflection in the mirror.
%
Christmas: Buying this year's gifts with next year's money.
%
I've often been told that apathy is my problem.
But I don't let it bother me.
%
Why won't sharks attack lawyers? Professional courtesy.
%
An unsettling letter from the IRS.
It was a rejection slip.
%
Computers most certainly are male.
The smallest virus renders them helpless.
%
If I did <i>worry</i> about the future, would the future change?
%
I've reach a point in my life where
every time I butt-dial, it goes to a doctor's office.
%
My wife asked me to clear the kitchen table.
I took a running start -- and I almost made it.
%
My therapist says my narcissism makes me misinterpret social situations.
I'm pretty sure she was hitting on me!
%
I'm broke! Had to buy a bunch of new suits.
Doctor says I'm impotent, so I better dress the part!
%
An island In the Pacific just disappeared.
Don't laugh. This isn't funny atoll.
%
I grilled a chicken all afternoon yesterday.
It still wouldn't tell me why it crossed the road.
%
I love my microbiology department!
The staph is great, and the culture is highly infectious!
%
I watched a documentary covering shredded cheese.
Grate stuff
%
How many blondes do you need to make a chocolate cake?
10 -- One is making batter, the rest are shelling M&amp;Ms.
%
How many narcissists does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They only use gaslighting.
%
I wonder what having Aphantasia is like...
I simply cannot imagine it.
%
I'm really fast with math calculations.
Really fast -- but rarely correct.
%
If you're buying smart water for $4 a bottle,&thinsp; it's&ensp; not&emsp; working!
%
A mistake repeated more than once is a decision.
%
Time is a great healer, but a poor beautician.
%
You're odd if you're number 1.
%
Laughter is the best medicine.
But, if you're laughing for no reason, you need medicine.
%
Strange, I don't remember being absent minded.
%
I'm lowering my quality of work until my pay seems fair.
%
Look around.
All that clutter used to be money.
%
I've learned 2 very important lessons in my life.
The first I can't remember; but the second was I need to start writing everything done.
%
Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
%
If it weren't for Thomas Edison,
we'd all be watching TV in the dark.
%
Respect people who wear glasses.
They paid good money to see you.
%
The trick to being smart is knowing when to play dumb.
%
If your life was a Reality TV Show, would you watch it?
%
Drink wine. It isn't good to keep things bottled up.
%
A man is not complete until he's married.
Then he is finished.
%
Never before has a generation so diligently recorded themselves accomplishing so little.
%
Of course we can be friends --
Jut not with each other.
%
You can be replaced by this computer.
%
The one day you'd sell your soul for something, souls are a glut.
%
The moat around my house stops the porch pirates.
Unfortunately, it also stops the deliveries.
%
After I met my 3rd jerk today, I thought maybe I'm the jerk.
But I snapped out of it.
%
I've said it before &amp; I'll say it again ... because I have a bad memory.
%
By the time they had diminished from 50 to 8,
the other dwarfs began to suspect Hungry.
-- a Larson comic
%
I'm pretty sure Tech Support is a bot.
It's first message is, How can I help you, future human slave?
%
I'm looking to buy a 'Special' GPS device.
It'll not only tell me <i>where</i> I am, but also <i>why</i> I'm there.
%
I was accused of tracking mud all over the floor.
Wrong! It was fudge.
%
I was told my shoes were on the wrong feet.
Ridiculous! Whose feet should they be on?!?!
%
Be bold ; verb a noun today.
%
I miss being 16 and feeling wealthy with $20 in my pocket.
%
There is no distinctly native criminal class except Congress.
-- Mark Twain
%
If my memory gets any worse I can plan my own surprise party.
%
The rhyme never states that Humpty Dumpty was an egg.
%
The jury acquitted my brother-in-law.
They did not believe he could premeditate anything.
%
I've often been told you cannot change a person.
So, I keep a long list of candidates in case it ever gets figured out.
%
I know a mortician who always ties the shoelaces of the dead together.
He says, "If there ever is a zombie apocalypse, it will be hilarious."
%
My ex was from a land down under.
No, not Australia.&emsp; Hell.
%
Being color blind, I let the car behind me tell me when the light is green.
%
The rock shop recently closed down
They were taking too much for granite.
%
You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.
%
You don't have to know how the computer works, just how to work the computer.
%
Me? Multitask?!?!
I can hardly <b>mono</b>task!
%
I once considered myself the Captain of my destiny.
Then I got busted down to Private.
%
If I had a million bucks, I'd split it among my friends.
I'm the world's most generous imaginary millionaire.
%
We have a new travel agency in town: MOM'S.
They specialize in guilt trips.
%
My wife finds it hard to understand.
We are not jet-set. We are train-set.
%
I came, I saw, I had anxiety, I left.
%
Progress means replacing a theory that is wrong with one more subtly wrong.
%
I enjoy a glass of wine every night for the health benefits.
The other six I need to get through the evening news.
%
Talent does what it can. Genius does what it must.
You do what you get paid to do.
%
Tomorrow is just a future yesterday.
%
We'll have just enough left to pay for our cremations.
%
We'll have enough saved at retirement to pay for our funerals.
%
Remember the days of circling your gift wishes in the Sears catalog?
%
Be cautious of those who give you advice.
That's my advice to you.
%
For a brief time my brother-in-law was on the right track.
Then he went off the rails and it became a train wreck.
%
My wife discovered I was cheating when she found all the letters I hid.
She says she'll never play scrabble with me again.
%
You know you're old when you don't know anyone in the tabloid magazines.
Also you know you're old when you don't really care.
%
I'm in shape. Trapezium is a shape isn't it?
%
I wish my wife's sighs came with translations.
%
The internet puts the PRY in PRIVACY.
%
Sometimes it takes me all day to get nothing done.
%
I'm glad my husband trusts me with his innermost secrets.
They whip up quite a frenzy on Facebook.
%
I handle all our money.
And she tells me how to spend it.
%
How do you get 20 pounds of leftovers from a 14 pound turkey?
%
I'm at the age where my bladder is my alarm clock.
%
My 'smart' fridge took out a restraining order against me.
%
I wish I had a button to push, and reset myself to the original factory settings.
%
My wife's favorite Thanksgiving Day dish is the stuffing.
For me it's the satellite dish.
%
I can remember when Black Friday was a <u>day</u>, not a <i>season</i>.
%
Clothes make the man.
Naked people have little or no influence on society.
-- Mark Twain
%
I would love to relive my 20's.
And then skip a bunch of what's next.
%
I'm a little concerned about the estate planner I hired.
She asked for a lot of details and then said, Leave it to me.
%
My therapist is working on my obsession with Styrofoam peanuts.
She says I have a lot to unpack.
%
My wife &amp; I are trying a new ploy for this holiday.
We're telling <i>both</i> families we're visiting the other one.
%
I've reached a good stage in life.
I know which bridges to cross and which to burn.
%
I read that being a parent means whispering WTF to yourself daily.
OK. First of all, I didn't know you were supposed to whisper it.
%
We were so poor that we thought new clothes meant someone had died.
%
Mommy, what happens to your files when you die?
%
My favorite childhood memory is not paying bills.
%
I do nothing in the morning in order to keep my afternoons free.
%
If you see me talking to myself,
I'm just getting some expert advice.
%
I just broke up with my mathematician girlfriend.
She seemed obsessed with an <b>X</b>.
%
I used to sell Velcro, but I couldn't stick with it.
%
We'll be having a sales contest this month.
The winners will get to enter next month's contest.
%
My wife told me she wants another baby.
That's a relief. I really don't want this one either.
%
My wife and I have decided not to have kids.
The children are taking it pretty badly.
%
I'd like to have kids one day.
That would just about be my limit.
%
The guy who stole my diary just died.
My thoughts are with his family.
%
I just got my doctor's test results and I'm really upset.
Turns out, I'm not gonna be a doctor.
%
My wife gave birth two times &amp; still fits into her school prom dress.
I gave birth zero times &amp; I don't fit in my pants from March.
%
When I see the names of lovers carved on a tree, I think,
Who takes knives with them on a date?
%
Everyone appreciates your honesty until you're honest with <i>them.</i>
%
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
%
Three out of four people make up 75% of the world's population.
%
The trouble with a lot of self-made men is that they worship their creator.
%
It was very delicious for a change.
I think she finally washed the pot.
%
I love this country...
...and the freedoms we used to have.
-- George Carlin
%
My wife admits she was wrong.
But, If you love me, you'd be gracious and apologize.
%
My sister-in-law wanted to know about the scandals while she was away.
Ha! There's never any scandals when she's away.
%
My doctor had to inform me of some really bad news.
But he said there's a silver lining. He gets a new 84 flat screen.
%
I am not comfortable with an app that allows your turkey to tell you when it's done.
%
My dog is very picky...
When he drinks from the toilet, he wants salt around the rim.
%
We played Twister at the Senior Center last night.
Today there's just a pile of dentures, hearing aids, and bifocals.
%
Don't drop acid, take it pass-fail!
-- Bryan Michael Wendt
%
I always have the guy at the pizza parlor cut it into 4 pieces.
I don't think I could eat <i>eight</i> pieces.
%
There's a new podcast hosted by Elvis Presley.
Skeptics, of course, won't be able to hear him.
%
I took out a home equity loan&emsp;...&emsp;to tank up my car.
%
A budget is just a method of worrying before you spend money,
as well as afterward.
%
I've always wanted buns of steel.
But I've settled for buns of cinnamon instead.
%
Bagpipes! The whoopee cushion of the music world.
%
It isn't easy being the parent of a six-year-old.
But it's real handy to have someone who understands computers.
%
Nobody thought I could organize that toupée convention.
But I pulled it off.
%
I don't want to be young again.
I just don't want to get any older.
%
While money doesn't buy love, it puts you in a great bargaining position.
%
Families are Nature's way of keeping people from fighting with strangers.
%
I forgot to ask my doctor;
Do the 30 minutes of cardio have to happen all on the same day?
%
I'm employed as a bank teller.
The job has its pluses and minuses.
%
Why does a man's knees get weak when a woman wears leather clothing?
Because she smells like a new truck.
%
I saw a $200 bottle of vodka at the liquor store.
Must be made from the world's finest, bespoke potatoes.
%
It only takes two men to tile a bathroom --
if you slice them thinly enough.
%
We had a saying for the one, sad motel in my hometown.
Charges good dollars for poor quarters.
%
Even at my age I can touch my toes&emsp;...&emsp;with my boobs.
%
You know you're getting older
when elevator music is what your college frat house used to play.
%
Exceptions prove the rule, and wreck the budget.
%
I had myself checked to see if I was a robot or a person.
It's always handy to know that these days.
%
Lead me not into temptation ... I'll find it on my own.
%
It was a misconfiguration of the power circuit.
The device was not plugged in.
%
My father-in-law first thought an iPod was a one-legged tripod.
%
How&nbsp;long have I been working here?
Ever&nbsp;since they threatened to fire me.
%
If it wasn't for Newton, we wouldn't have to eat bruised apples.
%
If you tried to explain humidity to a fish, they wouldn't get it.
%
There are never any bugs you haven't found yet.
%
Those who can't write, write owner manuals.
%
I hope to meet a lady who will love me for the person I wish I was.
%
Today is special. It's not every day my wife has a birthday.
Sometimes not even every year.
%
As you grow, which are the last teeth that you get?
No, not wisdom teeth. It's false teeth.
%
There is no time like the present for postponing what you ought to be doing.
%
There's a reason why computers get more done than people.
They never have to stop and answer the phone.
%
People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.
%
I just completed a chore that I've been putting off for 5 months.
It took me 15 minutes.&ensp;I will learn nothing from this.
%
I've been trying to get rid of my mom's electric organ.
I can't even give it away. It's so hard to be an organ donor.
%
They tried to sell me a car that will seat 5 people without problems.
Ha!! I don't even know 5 people without problems.
%
I do use a smart phone, and I don't romanticize the past.
But I yearn for the days when I had no idea whet every doofus in the world was thinking.
%
&emsp;&ensp;PEORIA
&ensp;9 MILES&emsp;&rArr;
&ensp;&emsp;PEORIA
&lArr; 24,892 MILES
%
I spend a little extra for the clothes gifts for my wife.
I pay to have the <b>SIZE 14</b> tags replaced with <b>SIZE 6</b>.
%
Whenever I call for service and hear, The next available agent ...,
I pause to reflect on my remaining life expectancy.
%
1 Dog Pound = 16 oz. of Alpo
%
2 pints = 1 Cavort
%
I hear folks talking about a Serial Port.
Is that some kind of wine you have with breakfast?
%
How come everyone's going so slow if it's called rush hour?
%
I'm not losing my marbles.
I just can't find them as quickly these days.
%
I'm planning on starting my own non-denominational church.
The collection plate will accept yen, rubles, marks, pounds, dollars, rupees, etc.
%
My brother-in-law researched his family tree.
Seems most of his family are still in it.
%
Failure is not an option for my bother-in-law.
It's an inevitability.
%
It's not all bad about never getting a date for Saturday night.
I save money on dinner, falling in love, getting married, and having kids.
%
I'm going to start a new diet on Monday.
Well ... it'll be <i><u>a</i></u> Monday. I just don't know which one.
%
Men claim they want a woman with a good personality.
Then they get upset when confronted with several.
%
I blame my mistakes on The Fog Of Marriage.
%
'Tis said Money Talks.
I need a translator.
%
I received a junk mail invitation to join The National Skeptics Society.
I don't believe there even <u>is</u> a National Skeptics Society.
%
Eye candy can be nice but if its hiding stuff that doesn't work, its an eyesore.
%
Disraeli was pretty close: actually, there are Lies, Damn lies,
Statistics, Benchmarks, and Delivery dates.
%
I wanted to buy a How To book on plumbing.
But I couldn't decide. Am I an IDIOT or a DUMMY?
%
My favorite Food Pyramid is a Toblerone Triangle.
%
Met our company's new head of IT today.
Nickname of Bugs. Well, that's ominous.
%
I'm retired with nothing to do.
But I do it anyway.
%
Jazz is number two on my genre list.
Ice cream wagon music is first.
%
What we've done in our past determines our present.
So, in the future, you should be very careful of what you do in the past.
%
I have a Seniors Edition of Trivial Pursuit.
You get credit for an answer even if it comes to you 2 hours later.
%
When in College I though I was suffering from depression.
Turns out I was listening to my Rod McKuen tapes too much.
%
As a senior citizen, I've gathered experiences and the wisdom that came with them.
Unfortunately, my age makes it difficult to remember much of it.
%
For taking so long to reach this age, it sure came mighty fast.
%
My wife talks to herself.
That's because she thinks I'm listening.
%
<font size=5>&#9836;</font>&emsp; You have spam.&emsp;<font size=5>&#9834;</font>
%
The total run-time of my downloaded, un-viewed podcasts now exceed
the anticipated years remaining in my life.
%
Maybe I should go check on those Farmville crops I planted in 2009.
%
Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft,
and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.
-- Wernher von Braun
%
Most public domain software is free, at least at first glance.
%
My friend, George passed away last week.
I now officially have more doctors than friends.
%
Every weekend has two days....
Saturday and It's Monday tomorrow.
%
The TSA confiscated my notepad -- citing it was secret code.
Actually it was my class lecture notes written in cursive.
%
Everyone understands Daylight Savings fall back each year.
But who wanted that extra hour in 2020?!?!
%
Most people really hate Mondays.
But Mondays at <i>this job</i> are just as bad as the other 4 days.
%
Surely you've heard of, or have eaten, Death By Chocolate?
Ever notice there's never been a Death By Kale?
%
I won't use the self-checkout.
Not until I get the employee discount.
%
Politicians are over-estimating my interest in reading a piece of their mail.
%
Thanks to the NSA, the credit bureaus, Google, and China,
everyone really does have a PERMANENT RECORD now.
%
I missed my Tai Chi session this morning.
I became one with the bed.
%
Would it be wrong for me to fake my own death
so I can get out of doing the laundry?
%
You know you've landed gear-up when it takes full power to taxi.
%
There <i>is</i> no such thing as a civil engineer.
%
The answer is casual to the most obvious observer.
%
I have a theory that it's impossible to prove anything,
but I can't prove it.
%
Genetics explains why you look like your father,
and if you don't, why you should.
%
Gravity gets me down.
%
Two rabbits escaped from the zoo.
So far they have only recaptured 113 of them.
%
Work is the crab grass in the lawn of life.
-- Schulz
%
After a number of decimal places, nobody gives a damn.
%
It says, You May Already Be A Winner!
but I'd best not burn any bridges just yet.
%
I'm staying home tonight and hanging out with 2 good friends.
Ben &amp; Jerry
%
Getting older is just one body part after another saying,
"HA! HA! You think that hurts? Watch this!"
%
I remember being able to get up without sound effects.
%
I remember when things only cost an arm.
%
I know I can't please everyone.
On the other hand, I know I can <i>annoy</i> everyone.
%
Sometimes I think I read too much.
Then I laugh, and turn the page.
%
Being twenty in the 70's was more fun than being seventy in the 20's.
%
I survived the 60's - TWICE!
%
Eighty-six percent of all people consider themselves to be above average.
%
Time to take stock. Go home with some office supplies.
%
I wasted years of therapy for self-guilt.
I have nobody to blame but myself.
%
My mother-in-law thinks a long distance call is so exotic she has to wear a safari jacket.
%
Why do we want intelligent devices when there are so many stupid users?
%
The future is not what it used to be.
For sure! It'll be better, but there's just not as much of it.
%
I have sugarless cookies and fat-free ice cream.
Why can't I acquire some debt-free money?
%
My comfort zone is surprisingly uncomfortable.
%
Absent misfortune, I wouldn't have any fortune at all.
%
When hammering a nail, you will never hit your finger ...
if you hold the hammer with both hands.
%
Any simple problem can be made insoluble if enough meetings are held to discuss it.
%
Nothing is so good that somebody, somewhere, will not hate it.
%
A real person has two reasons for doing what they're doing ...
a good reason and the real reason.
%
No amount of genius can overcome a preoccupation with detail.
%
Pushing the extra ice button on the soft drink vending machine, won't give you <i>any</i> ice.
And if you push the no ice button, you'll get ice, but no cup.
%
Anybody who doesn't cut his speed at the sight of a police car is probably parked.
%
Parallel lines never meet, unless you bend one or both of them.
%
If all the world's economists were laid end to end,
they'd still point in the wrong direction.
%
If I have not seen so far it is because I stood in giants' footsteps.
%
There's no future in time travel.
%
We may not return the affection of those who like us,
but we always respect their good judgment.
%
Responsibility always exceeds authority.
%
Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.
%
The political environment is always in need of new cliches.
-- Marvin Jones
%
Even the best of friends cannot attend each other's funeral.
%
Q: How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three. One to screw in the light bulb and two to fend off
all those Californians trying to share the experience.
%
A hunter calls 911, "I think my friend is dead!"
"Make sure they're dead." Two shoots are heard. "OK, now what?"
%
On the third day of his trial the politician plead guilty.
When asked why, "Until I heard all the evidence, I though I was innocent."
%
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy.
-- Charlie McCarthy
%
Excellent day to become a missing person.
%
Lunatic Asylum: The place where optimism most flourishes.
%
<b>Idiot</b> (N.), A member of a large and powerful tribe
whose influence in human affairs has always been dominant and controlling
%
Remember, even if you win the rat race -- you're still a rat.
%
You are wise, witty, and wonderful.
But you spend too much time reading this sort of drivel.
%
Screw up your courage! You've screwed up everything else.
%
What the hell, go ahead and put all your eggs in one basket.
%
You have the capacity to learn from your mistakes.
You will learn a lot today.
%
Fun Fact: Your brain starts working the moment you get up in the morning,
and does not stop until you get to work.
%
For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.
%
Who needs friends when you can sit alone in your room and drink?
%
A penny saved is ridiculous.
%
A Puritan is someone who is deathly afraid that someone somewhere is having fun.
%
Being schizophrenic beats living alone.
%
Misfortune: The kind of fortune that never misses.
%
The meek are contesting the will.
%
Imitation is the sincerest form of plagiarism.
%
Mirrors should reflect a little before throwing back images.
-- Jean Cocteau
%
Your own mileage may vary.
%
You can observe a lot just by watching.
-- Yogi Berra
%
If it ain't broke, don't fix it.
%
Today is the last day of your life ... so far.
%
If something's not worth doing, it's not worth doing well.
%
God must love the common man; He made so many of them.
%
Many are called, few volunteer.
%
Laugh, and the world ignores you. Crying doesn't help either.
%
Many are called, few are chosen.
Fewer still get to do the choosing.
%
Every absurdity has a champion to defend it.
%
Dyslexics of the world, untie!
%
What is vice today may be virtue tomorrow.
%
University: A modern school where football is taught.
%
Don't force it, use a bigger hammer.
%
A liberal is someone too poor to be a capitalist and too rich to be a communist.
%
My neighbor was assrested for growing marijuana.
I guess my property line isn't where I thought it was.
%
I waited and waited.
When nobody called, I knew it was from you.
%
I like the future, I'm in it.
%
Let me play with it first and I'll tell you what it is later.
-- Miles Davis
%
Stop hating Monday...
Suck it up and hate the whole week.
%
Monday! Cease the day!
%
I'm not sure I'd ever date a witch.
Well, maybe just for a spell.
%
My doctor told not to be embarrassed by anything I tell her.
She said she'd be embarrassed enough for both of us.
%
Money is the root of all evil, and everyone needs roots.
%
The scariest thing about Halloween is all the stores selling Christmas stuff.
%
Computer programmers do it byte by byte.
%
If it happens once, it's a bug.
If it happens twice, it's a feature.
If it happens more than twice, it's a design philosophy.
%
The bigger the theory the better.
%
Controlling my sarcasm at work is a full-time job in itself.
%
Don't people that run marathons know they don't have to?
%
I do not like work even when someone else does it.
-- Mark Twain
%
Just got a poo-poo emoji from the jerk that stole my identity.
I probably should check my credit report...
%
I have a blood test scheduled tomorrow.
Need to Google how to study for it.
%
365 Days of drinking Lo-Cal beer. = 1 Lite-year
%
Before Xerox, five carbon copies were the maximum extension of anybody's ego.
%
I think of my sister-in-law as Miss Universe.
Because she is expanding every day.
%
2000 pounds of Chinese soup = 1 Won Ton
%
The one reason I'm still married is I remember what dating life was like.
%
I've never told my kids about the Halloween tricks I pulled as a child.
I have to wait for the statute of limitations to run out.
%
I love the Fall.
Especially how the leaves cover up the grass I never mowed.
%
Then there's my brother-in-law.
Can't decide if he's a dysfunctional adult or an overgrown child.
%
Nothing beats coming in from the cold and curling up by the fire.
Well, except <b>not</b> going out in the cold and curling up by the fire.
%
I don't have any military experience.
But, I often shop at Old Navy.
%
I have neither the time nor the crayons to explain it to my brother-in-law.
%
I don't believe I could ever cheat in a relationship.
Because it would require more than one woman to find me attractive.
%
I still can't believe people's survival instincts told them to grab toilet paper.
%
My wife won't call them leftovers.
She says to think of it as The Week In Review.
%
If errands were meant to go smoothly, the word wouldn't start with err.
%
I skipped my yoga class today.
I had a bad case of mood poisoning.
%
I spent much of my military service painting buildings and mowing grass.
I was in the Nothing Special Forces.
%
I use a Japanese method of decluttering: if things give no joy, toss them.
The first thing I threw out was my bathroom scale.
%
Exercising could be fun if calories screamed while you burned them.
%
One of the slackers at work asked me to help finish the work he hadn't done.
I'm sorry, but I am not the paddle which you are up the creek without.
%
Nobody needs to speak on behalf of idiots.
They manage to speak entirely too much for themselves already.
%
If your mechanic claims that he stands behind his brake jobs, keep looking.
You want to find one willing to stand in front of them.
%
Be grateful that you're not getting anywhere near the amount of government you pay for.
%
The first five days after the weekend are always the hardest.
%
Bad news!
Something that happened in Vegas was spotted in Newark
%
My brother-in-law's OCD is out of control.
He rakes his leaves into color-coordinated piles.
%
We can predict everything, except the future.
%
Let's organize this thing and take all the fun out of it.
%
They can build cars that parallel park themselves.
But they can't make grocery carts that don't wobble.
%
I'm finally at the age where I feel I know most everything.
Just as I am beginning to forget everything I know.
%
Politics is much too important to be left to politicians.
%
I showed up at the wrong time ... at the wrong place ... for the wrong interview.
And I <u>still</u> got the job.
%
One of my neighbor's delicious chickens was in my wife's garden this morning.
%
Goodwill wouldn't take my old leisure suit.
%
I was told that to receive an apology was not an invitation to gloat.
Since when?!?
%
I have restless leg syndrome in bed at night.
Comes in handy when I put my fitness tracker on my ankle.
%
<b>Morbid</b> (N.), A higher offer on eBay
%
I do my workouts with very loud music in my ear buds.
That way I'm not startled by the noise of my joints cracking.
%
The Three Stages Of Life: Youth -- Middle Age -- Looking Good For You Age
%
The Vegan Restaurant menu has selections that Taste Like Chicken.
%
I live on my own terms.
Luckily, my own terms are easily attainable.
%
I <b>DOWNRIGHT HATE IT</b> when someone says I have anger management issues.
%
It's said that having a hobby can make you a more active and interesting person.
So I'm using my doorbell camera to take up photography.
%
My dream was so boring that it kept me asleep.
%
The <b>IRS Motto:</b> It's better to give than to deceive.
%
My wife is concerned about arthritis and which joint will fail first.
I'm hoping jaw.
%
The salad bar at the restaurant had no iceberg lettuce.
They claimed it was due to global warming.
%
I enjoy doing Escape Room, but don't like the expense.
So I visit IKEA every time they rearrange their store displays.
%
My mom just found out that President Clinton was elected to a 2nd term.
She's been reading magazines in the doctor's office waiting room.
%
In my opinion, we don't devote nearly enough scientific research to finding a cure for jerks.
-- Calvin and Hobbes
%
I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life.
It's just been too intelligent to come here.
-- Arthur C. Clarke
%
I try to not be sarcastic; I really do.
But people give me so much material, it's a shame to waste it.
%
I'm employed at the Acme Playground Equipment Company.
I work on the swing shift.
%
I was on my high school swim team 60 years ago.
That must be why I'm all wrinkled now.
%
I should lay off the autumn lattes.
My blood sample was positive for pumpkin spice.
%
In my mind's eye, I still look handsome.
However, my mind's eye has terrible astigmatism.
%
I'm getting a lot of exercise these days just from shaking my head at idiots.
%
<font face="sans-serif"><b>&nbsp;EXPRESS LANE
&nbsp;ANY 10 ITEMS
YOU CAN AFFORD</b></font>
%
The traffic is awful,. The roads are wretched.
Some of my groceries exceeded their Best By date before I got home.
%
The new jargon Du Jour in my company is 'disruptive'.
The last time I heard 'disruptive' was from my third-grade teacher.
%
Do you suppose Mrs Howell felt left out in the Ginger vs. Mary Ann debate?
%
I was disheartened to learn there was no napping in school past kindergarten.
Well ... it was that way until college.
%
I don't have a sleeping problem.
I have a waking up problem.
%
Everything is Dishwasher Safe --
for one cycle.
%
I don't like to discuss my problems with people that don't like me.
However, they're the only ones that want to hear them.
%
This, too, shall&nbsp;pass.
Although it might pass like a kidney stone.
%
My $30-a-month gym membership works out to about $36 per visit.
%
My wife claims that golf has overtaken my life.
That's par for the course.
%
Trust me, any mail that's marked as Personal!, Urgent!, and Important!... -- never is.
%
A husband and wife have a relationship that is very psychological.
One is psycho and one is logical.
%
My sister-in-law wants to donate clothes to people that are starving.
Anyone fitting into her clothes is <u>definitely not</u> starving.
%
My husband accused me of marrying him for free tech support.
I'm not gonna lie. It was among my top 3 reasons.
%
When I was a kid, if you missed a TV show, you simply missed it. Forever.
%
When I was a kid, there were no smart phones or tablets.
We had to read the cereal boxes at breakfast.
%
I'll bet aliens ride by earth and lock their doors.
%
My boss, It's the 3rd time you've been late this week. Do you know what that means?
Me, It's Wednesday?
%
If the number 666 is considered evil,
then 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.
%
I was curious, so I bought a toilet brush.
A Big nope! I'll stick with toilet paper.
%
Did you ever wonder what happens after death?
Lots of things. They just don't include you.
%
You are not doing it wrong if no one knows what you're doing.
%
No matter how hard you hit the escape key, they make you stay and work until 5.
%
I'm so old I can remember going through a whole day without taking a picture.
%
My flight was so bumpy that my fitness tracker counted it as steps.
%
I did a personal best in the pool today. 100 laps.
The pool was drained --- I mostly just walked.
%
I don't enjoy blowing Fall leaves out of my yard.
But, I <b>do</b> enjoy annoying my neighbor.
%
I carry a photo of my ex-wife in my wallet.
It's to remind me why there's why there's no money there.
%
My grandson went to the zoo and his favorite animal was the lions.
I told him I went to the zoo, too, as a child.
He wanted to know what my favorite dinosaur was.
%
My boyfriend claims to be suffering from separation anxiety.
Explains why he can't put whites with whites &amp; colors with colors.
%
My main problem is I'm a perfectionist.
I've always said if you can't do a job right, don't do it at all.
%
I've met the woman who might become my last and final wife.
We met in the adult diaper aisle at the drugstore.
%
Just like a cup of coffee,
I'm also likely to grow cold &amp; bitter over time.
%
Every time my dog shakes hands with me, I give him a treat.
He taught me that trick years ago...
%
The state legislature finally solved the gerrymandering issue.
They hired a blind guy with an Etch-A-Sketch.
%
When I was a kid I was afraid of the monster in my closet.&nbsp; No more.
Now I'm terrified by the lime green leisure suit I still have in there.
%
This was the longest, most boring work week of all time.
I know I said that last week, but they keep topping each other.
%
My mom likes the Senior Center.
For lunch they serve <font size=4>LARGE PRINT</font> Alphabet Soup.
%
My sister will probably never get married.
She's seeking a guy with Obsessive Cleaning Disorder.
%
The panel on the side of the snack package says:
Go ahead -- the Surgeon General has determined you only live once.
%
My fitness tracker just texted my doctor.
Now I'm screwed.
%
I've found that jumping to conclusions doesn't burn any calories.
%
I grew up in a really rough neighborhood.
The Avon Lady packed heat.
%
I put the can't in cantankerous.
%
Over the years my eyesight has gotten worse and worse.
This time my optician had to outsource the lenses to the Coca-Cola Bottling Co.
%
Just when you get comfortable in your own skin, it starts to sag.
%
I hate it when I go out in public and the public are there.
%
The more I get to know people,
the more I understand why Noah only let animals on the boat.
%
I feel a spree coming on!
Shopping or killing, I haven't figured that out yet.
%
Sometimes I wonder if all this is happening because I didn't forward that email to 10 people.
%
I remember him from high school.
Now he's wearing <u>two</u> ankle monitors.
%
What is the sound of no-hands texting?
%
How many telemarketers it take to change a light bulb?
Just one, but he has to do during your dinner.
%
A study shows that one-third of people don't floss.
The other two-thirds couldn't answer with all the Novocaine in their mouths.
%
<b>Politics</b> (N.), From <i>poly</i> meaning <i>many</i>, and <i>ticks</i> meaning <i>bloodsucking parasites</i>
%
Our town was so small we didn't have village idiot.
So we had to draw straws.
%
My hometown was so small it only had one hooker -- and she was a virgin.
%
Fines are a tax you pay for doing something wrong.
Taxes are a fine you pay for doing something right.
%
The National Security Administration is the only government office that actually listens to you.
%
In the U.S., a man may only have one wife.
It's called monotony.
%
Russians don't understand why it takes America so long to get election results.
They know their results months in advance!
%
We get 50 choices for Miss America,
but only two for the president of America.
%
If Chuck Norris were president, he'd protect the Secret Service.
%
I'm concerned about our new IT guru.
He is sending handwritten memos via postal mail.
%
When I was a kid all my teachers told me anyone could become president.
Now -- as an adult -- I believe it, and it gives me freaking nightmares!
%
<b>Airline Ticket</b> (N.), A voucher for a chance for a seat on a plane
that may or may not fly at a time and in a direction desired
%
There were high hopes for the information age,
until it deformed into the disinformation age.
%
I wrote a book on the history of the boomerang.
It's a great Come Back story.
%
Turning 60 today really depressed me.
Mostly because it made me ashamed of how I felt turning 50.
%
I live in a really small town.
Our Bar &amp; Grill is a six-pack and a hibachi.
%
Not only do I have outstanding debts;
some of them are downright astonishing!!
%
I think great thoughts. Well ... like:
Is it still a TV dinner if you eat it when <b>not</b> watching TV?
%
If only I had a little humility, I'd be perfect.
%
There are some really stupid people out there.
This morning, I woke in an ice-filled bathtub &amp; I had an extra kidney.
%
I've said it before and I'll say it again.
I tend to repeat myself.
%
I dance <i>like</i> no one watches.
Precisely because <i>everyone</i> <u>is</u> watching.
%
Some people really do eventually look like their pets.
My mother-in-law has this goldfish...
%
I was asked if I had my midlife crisis yet.
Yikes!! Is there really only supposed to be <b>one?</b>
%
My brother-in-law and I have invented a new activity.
Trash Texting!
%
I have a problem with procrastination.
My To-Do list still has Fix the VCR on it.
%
While you can't fool all the people all the time,
you can fool enough of them most of the time to make the rest impotent.
-- Anonymous
%
The best argument against democracy is a five-minute
conversation with the average voter.
-- Churchill
%
The crook that stole my identity must eat right and exercise,
because I've lost 10 pounds.
%
Our district's Senator fell at his press conference.
They examined his head and found nothing.
%
Honest! I really would exercise.
But I don't have the equipment, the clothes, ... or the desire.
%
I managed to get all the camping gear into the vehicle.
But we'll have to leave one of the children behind.
%
I bought a large, mounted fish at Goodwill.
Now I'm working on the story about how I caught it.
%
I think my wife runs the Roomba just to get me out of the house.
%
I do what I love, so I never worked a day in my life.
Yep. That's what I love!
%
The food at the local Chinese restaurant is just so-so.
But I eat there because the fortune cookies are so optimistic.
%
I don't do anything halfway.
In fact, I usually do nothing at all.
%
She'll never run out of things to talk to me about.
Mainly because I haven't hear a word she's said.
%
I don't mind having smart devices around the house.
But some of them are starting to get uppity.
%
Everyone notices the first robin of Spring.
Have you ever noticed the last robin of Fall?
%
Diamonds are forever. Your love for her will be forever.
Is it really a big deal if the payments are, too?
%
You disliked me all through high school.
So, what's with the Facebook Friend request?
%
Now-a-days I'm getting symptoms in all the places I used to get urges.
%
You can't find my hometown on a map.
It's unlisted.
%
With age comes wisdom.
I'm wise enough to know being old stinks
%
Just received a birthday card from the Reincarnation Society.
They wished me many happy returns.
%
Life is real when you're learning important life lessons from your dog.
%
You get on YouTube to find how to repair a ceiling fan.
Six hours later you're watching cats on skateboards.
%
"Your call is important to us..."
"Please stay on the line until it's no longer important to <i>you</i>."
%
Visiting the IKEA store always makes me want to go home and clean up.
I <u>won't</u> do it. But I think about it...
%
Over the years our marriage got better because of compromise.
And it got easier once we realized my opinion didn't count.
%
I tried to join the Knitting Club at the Senior Center.
But, it seems they're a pretty tight-knit group.
%
I want to relive my wild, crazy spontaneous youth.
Yes, the Chess Club years!
%
On rainy days I like to stay under the covers.
And on sunny days, windy days, cloudy days...
%
When I was young I wanted to set the world on fire.
Now I check and change the smoke alarm batteries every week.
%
Man I'm really old!
Last night I was visited by the Long In The Tooth Fairy.
%
I joined an online weight loss group.
So far my computer has lost 2 pounds.
%
My boss is such an inspiration to me!
It would seem someone as bad at their job as me can one day be a boss, too.
%
I just downloaded an article How To Stop Procrastinating.
I'll read it later...
%
I had that flying dream again last night.
Where I was stuck in the airport and they had already lost my luggage.
%
I received some good news going through airport security.
They said my prostate feels normal.
%
The primary mission of any government entity is to employ the unemployable.
%
Just as you cannot explain snow to a summer insect;
so also you cannot explain ski resorts to someone who walks uphill willingly.
%
The H in WORKPLACE stands for happiness.
%
I try not to call attention to myself.
It never comes when I call, anyway.
%
Grandchildren are our rewards for not strangling our own kids when they were teenagers.
%
The best part about being a Yoga Instructor? The flexible hours.
%
Similar to wedding showers, why don't they have divorce showers?
%
I check my girlfriend's blog daily,
to see if I'm still in a relationship.
%
My friend will announce his upcoming divorce on Amazon.
That way, if she keeps the toaster, he can register to get a new one.
%
I've enjoyed just about as much of this as I can stand.
%
I just renewed my life insurance policy.
Or, as my kids call it, The Waiting Game.
%
I raise chickens in my backyard and sell the eggs.
But, really, it's just a poultry sum.
%
Denture cream, hearing aid batteries, eye wash, hair dye,...
My sister-in-law calls it the drugstore Tune Up aisle.
%
I wish the grocery store would share it's playlist online...
%
Setup line. ... ... Clever rejoinder.
And that's what AI-generated humor sounds like.
%
My brother-in-law claims to have a fear of success.
I'm pretty sure he has nothing to worry about.
%
I was once a fanatic about keeping a daily journal.
Fortunately, the jury never saw it.
%
My brother-in-law is a Jack-Of-All-Trades.
And he's out of work in all of them.
%
If money causes most problems, you'd think I'd be stress free.
%
If you've ever thought of women bring the weaker sex.
you should try pulling the covers back to your side of the bed.
%
My home town was so dull!
The highway bypass was completed before the town was.
%
The hacker that stole my identity has emailed me to take it back.
%
I hung up all my shirts and folded the laundry.
That's when I discovered where the treadmill went.
%
I have high blood pressure, low thyroid, IBS, arthritis, and I'm prediabetic.
My only saving grace is that I don't drink. ... . . ... Maybe I should.
%
There's a new recall for air bags.
My senator is still not included.
%
My memory is getting bad.
My wife's is worse. She remembers <b>everything!</b>
%
There were many women in my life that helped make me all that I am today.
Betty Crocker... Mrs. Fields... Sara Lee... Little Debbie... ...
%
How many husbands does it take to screw in a light bulb?
500! One to screw it in, and 499 to say I'll get to it tomorrow, Hon.
%
My brother-in-law puts the full in full of it.
%
A relationship is about overcoming problems together.
Those would be problems you wouldn't have if you were single.
%
There's a little G.I. Joe in all of us ..... because - - micro-plastics.
%
Everything in the universe is either an octopus, or not an octopus.
%
Exercising for just 10 minutes a day raises your risk of voicing motivational homilies by 70%.
%
I once thought about sky diving, but I'm not brave enough.
I scream if the toilet seat shifts.
%
I just updated my donor card.
I'm giving my consciousness to metaphysics.
%
September 22 is National Astronomy Day -- for those that observe.
%
This runaway inflation is tenacious!
So far it's lapped me twice!
%
Prior to retirement I only went to the <u>finest</u> hotels.
I was a cab driver.
%
My wife just asked me if I knew what day this was.
And my life flashed before my eyes.
%
I'm going to ease into the new diet.
First, I'll stop eating between snacks.
%
One way to look younger is by getting older friends.
%
I not only need a Plan B.
I often need one for most of the rest of the alphabet.
%
I enjoy getting those inspirational texts first thing in the morning.
Your order has shipped from Amazon.
%
The best thing about my mother-in-law?
That she is not an identical twin.
%
The major side effect of my current prescriptions is bankruptcy.
%
Actions speak louder than words.
-- every mime, everywhere
%
This shirt is from my It-Looked-Good-In-The-Store collection.
%
Which country has the greatest population?
Probably they all think they they do, but it's not nice to brag.
%
I thought by this point in my life,
I'd be living off my Beanie Baby and Pet Rock collections.
%
I'm supposed to take my new medicine on an empty stomach --
should the opportunity ever present itself.
%
I don't really talk the talk, or walk the walk.
But if you want me to drink the drink, I'm all yours.
%
The way to a man;s heart is through his stomach
--- so say the worst surgeons in the world.
%
I was quite different in high school.
I played the air accordion.
%
The I Am Not A Robot tests are getting quite difficult.
I was asked to find all the pictures with Rutabagas in them.
%
As I entered adulthood, I would've followed in dad's footsteps.
But he didn't tell me where he was going.
%
The I Am Not A Robot challenges have gotten tough!
I've been using ChatGPT AI to solve them.
%
Being 50 is the new 40.
<u>Looking</u> 50 is the new 60.
%
My surgeon does not use AI in the operating room.
But he did use it to get through medical school.
%
I was ecstatic to see my digital scale read 159.
The joy soon vanished when it ticked over to 200 PM.
%
Ask your doctor if ... medical advice from TV commercials is good for you.
%
Don't incur the cost of finding relatives via Ancestry.com.
Just say you've won the lottery, and you'll have relatives you never knew about!
%
I have both Irish and Scottish ancestry.
I love to drink, but hate to pay for it.
%
My father calls cemeteries ancestor farms.
%
What is the capital of Alabama?
&nbsp;<b>A</b>
%
Genealogists never die.
They just haunt cemeteries.
%
My family coat of arms ties at the back....is that normal?
%
My family tree is short a few branches!
%
Most family trees yield some lemons, some nuts and a few bad apples.
%
Crazy is a relative term in my family.
%
Some family trees have more sap than others
%
If you don't know who the family black sheep is, it's probably you.
%
Selecting a tombstone is usually a monumental task.
%
Introducing myself to new girlfriend's parents:
Hi, I usually don't make it this far.
%
We'll clean the house when the last kid has moved out.
%
When a social media troll disappears it just means one thing.
His mom changed the WiFi password until his chores are done.
%
My mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.
%
My young son asked me, What's an inheritance?
My reply was, Nothing you need to be concerned with.
%
My dad left me a voicemail where he didn't introduce himself.
I think we're getting closer.
%
The meal I was cooking for my family was going to be a surprise.
But the fire trucks ruined it.
%
I'm must be getting on in years.
I'm starting to agree with my mom on thermostat settings.
%
I contacted a law firm concerning my traffic ticket.
They guarantee results. Not a dismissal, but <i>something</i> will happen.
%
My mother-in-law's meatloaf ... it has too much loaf.
%
Due to a mix-up at the local airport,
Ron Turk will be late for his own funeral.
%
They saved everything in the bakery fire except the bread.
It's toast.
%
I thought Fantasy Pickleball would make a good joke.
Then I Googled it...
%
I'm going for a walk because I want to stay healthy.
I'm taking along a box of M&amp;M's because ... let's be honest here.
%
A mother makes her son intelligent in 20 years,
but a woman can make him stupid in 30 seconds.
%
There are two choices in life: stay single and be miserable,
or get married and wish you were dead.
%
It's good to be smart, 'cause then you know stuff.
%
Smart phones; dumb people.
%
In an era of smart phones, smart cars, smart TV, and smart water,
why are there so many dumb people?
%
I found one flaw with the cancel culture.
It does not apply to my bar tab.
%
I went on a 7-day cruise, and got a black belt in karaoke.
%
And that's how you make a campfire:
a few sticks, dry pine needles, and sixty-five matchsticks.
%
There is a lot of drama and chaos in my life.
I run a tight shipwreck.
%
Canada is all right really,
though not for the whole weekend.
%
I had a nice six pack in my youth.
Now it's more like a keg.
%
There are 2 kinds of folks in the world.
Those that can finish a thought....
%
It was a stupid, but enjoyable movie.
It was time well wasted.
%
If you think <u>you</u> are your own worst critic, you don't have children.
%
Coming up is Bald Is Beautiful Day.
sigh... At least I have the <i>bald</i> part down.
%
I finally finished that Rubik's Cube.
Spray paint. I said finished, not solved.
%
<b>LIFE:</b> Individual results may vary.
%
I have plenty of <u>will</u> power.
What I really need is more <u>won't</u> power!
%
The company's business is run on trust.
They trust I will pay in advance.
%
My new air mattress cost more than a foam pad.
I was told it was due to inflation.
%
The school principal unformed me that my son has been telling lies.
He must be really good, because I don't have a son.
%
I want to quit my gym membership.
It was suggested that I give them my too weak notice.
%
It doesn't matter if you win or lose ... until you lose.
%
I thought I was in the grip of a wave of existential dread.
But, it was just a large gas bubble.
%
Some men work from sun up to sun down.
But, a procrastinator's work is never done.
%
I have this urge to do something productive.
So, I'll just sit here until it passes.
%
I'm at the age where I need to start listening to my body.
OK. But, all I hear are complaints.
%
We'll have dinner tonight with close relatives.
Close, because it'll be 10 of us at a table for 6.
%
My dog's favorite exercise is chasing my stationary bicycle.
%
I not just Old-School; I'm Old One-Room Schoolhouse.
%
You may not think me a very interesting person.
However, I've been a person of interest on more than one occasion.
%
Scientists say that climate change is worsening ever faster.
I may now be lucky enough to see the end of the world.
%
My sciatica is flaring up. My shoulder is killing me. So is my knee.
I can remember when everything used to be just a pain in the ass.
%
I thought about one of those discount store caskets.
But, frankly, I was worried about the quality.
%
Even though the doctor didn't ask for one,
I gave a urine sample in the potted plant.
%
I have so many liver spots that my hands should come with a side of onions.
%
&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;<b>VIEWER DISCRETION ADVISED</b>
If I had any discretion, I wouldn't be watching it.
%
The best things in life are not things.
No. They're <b>expensive</b> things.
%
People used to be more polite when dueling was legal.
%
I do 10 hours of charity work every weekend.
Or, as the judge said, court-ordered community service.
%
One big fear is that, when I die, someone will have to go through my stuff.
%
The president says the country is headed in the right direction.
I think he needs a new GPS device.
%
My wife doesn't understand me.
But she makes some alarmingly close guesses.
%
How many senior citizens does it take to change a light bulb?
None! By the time it's dark, we're all in bed.
%
I was told that men and women comprehend things differently.
I don't understand that.
%
I just made a new personal high score.
Sigh ... on the bathroom scale.
%
A pickleball walks into a bar,
The bartender asks, "Have you been served?"
%
My neighbor told me his dog retrieved a pickleball 2 miles from the nearest courts.
Sounds far-fetched.
%
Luckily my wife wears a mood ring.
Save a lot of drama on my part.
%
I spent a couple of hours surfing the world wide web.
Apparently Shocked, Amazed, and Astonished don't mean what I thought they did.
%
If these walls could talk, maybe they'd tell me why I walked in here.
%
Two years ago I demanded my wife stop nagging me.
Dunno if she did. It's been two years since I've seen her.
%
Despite the science, I cling to my belief in astrology.
That's because I'm a Taurus &amp; we're stubborn.
%
I asked my doctor to explain the diagnosis in simple terms.
It appears your Check Engine light is on.
%
Seems I just landed a free vacation!
I got jury duty.
%
Consider this: Prescription drugs that come in pumpkin spice gummies.
%
Life is too short to start off with a bad mood.
Right on!! ... I hold off until I get to work.
%
I learned something new.&nbsp; It's Labor Day.
I thought it was Later Day -- like I'll do it later.
%
Most of our meals are locally sourced.
It all comes from our fridge.
%
My granddaughter was curious about my varicose veins.
I told her they were tattoos. She was cool with that.
%
I want to become a famous author..
They say, "Write what you know." So that's a problem.
%
My opinions are usually unpopular.
So, I know I'm on the right track.
%
The economy sure is rough on me these days.
Dunno which broker will do me the most good -- stock or pawn.
%
How do they protect packaging peanuts when they ship them?
%
I would not work for either political party --
unless I received a pardon in advance.
%
I read an article that claims men are more skeptical than women.
What?! They expect me to believe that?!
%
I don't feel like doing anything today if it's going to be rainy.
But, if it's going to be sunny, I still don't want to do anything.
%
I'd better stop pretending I'm 20.
Breakdancing at 45 means a lot less dancing &amp; a lot more breaking.
%
If I died today with a million dollars, I'd lose a million dollars.
But if I die owing a million dollars, I die a millionaire.
%
I was reading the magazines in my dentist's waiting room.
I did not know Amelia Earhart was missing.
%
I've a nightmare where a waffle pops from the toaster and grabs my self-esteem.
All I can do is yell, Let go of my ego!
%
Divorce attorney fees were too high for us.
It was cheaper to get separate houses in separate countries.
%
I'm unsure about my calling in life.
I think it went straight to voicemail.
%
Bold Idea! Pumpkin-spice lemonade
%
The only thing scarier than seeing a spider is not seeing it.
%
I divorced my cross-eyed wife.
I found out she was seeing someone on the side.
%
Some people just won't admit their shortcomings.
I know I would -- if I had any.
%
I answered the phone and heard, Your opinion is very important to us.
No idea who it was -- certainly none of my family!
%
I wonder -- can vampires use front-facing cameras?
%
You know what I hate? Daytime insomnia.
%
I drove past a broken down ice cream van.
He had put some cones down.
%
I got a nice Rolex from the ice cream truck.
It had a big sign on the back saying "Watch for Children".
%
Diarrhea is hereditary.
It runs in your jeans
%
My pet vulture hates flying.
He hates it when they make me stow my carrion under the seat.
%
Roses are red, violets are blue.
I'm a schizophrenic, and I am, too.
%
You know you're working class when your TV is bigger than your book case.
%
I just finished a commissioned painting of a huge herd of male deer.
I think it looks like a million bucks.
%
I received my PhD in palindromes.
I now go by Dr. Awkward.
%
No wonder they tasted strange!
I accidentally bought a package of <font face="Impact">&thinsp;W &amp; W,s&thinsp;</font>.
%
My wife and I met 20 years ago at a Scrabble Tournament.
This year we're going back to renew our vowels.
%
Now and then I think I learn something new.
Usually it's just something I knew long ago but totally forgot.
%
Go buy a new one, and the lost one will show up immediately.
%
I'm thinking of writing an unauthorized autobiography.
%
Last night I dreamt about Roman numerals 5, 4, 1, and 500.
It was <font face="Times New Roman">VIVID</font>.
%
An American tourist woke up in an Australian hospital.
Did I come here to die? Nah, mate. You came yesterday.
%
Prison may be just one word.
But to others, it's a whole sentence.
%
My doctor asked, Do you know your sperm count?
Wow! I didn't know they were that clever.
%
My internet is down.
My neighbor forgot to pay his bill again.
%
House cleaning is just putting stuff in a less obvious place.
%
The height of insignificance is being none in a million.
%
It was a beautiful morning.
Everyone was out walking their phones.
%
For my age, I feel great!
At least in those parts that still have feeling left.
%
My congressman's speech on birth control was filled with pregnant pauses.
%
I have a theory on those cans of Mixed Nuts they sell in stores.
The graveyard shift sweeps up what the 1st and 2nd shift spilled all day.
%
My sister-in-law is in a funk.
She lost an argument with a smart appliance.
%
It started out as a walk-in closet.
Now its a Watch-Where-You-Walk closet.
%
If my brother-in-law is ever arrested for a crime, it'll be male fraud.
%
A friend died last week -- doing what he loved to do.
He was online, checking his symptoms with WebMD --
instead of <u>actually</u> going to a doctor.
%
I try not to think before I speak.
To do so would ruin the surprise for both of us.
%
I had an MRI test yesterday.
I tested positive for claustrophobia.
%
I thought I saw light at the end of the tunnel.
It was just someone with a headlamp -- bringing me more problems.
%
I took my kid to buy some glue for school.
I'd like to think that was a positive bonding experience.
%
My brother-in-law has a solution for increase EV mileage.
He takes along an extension cord.
%
I procrastinate; knowing that I'll be older and wiser when I get around to it.
%
I'm probably slacking off somewhat.
I had to loosen the strap on my sport watch twice this week.
%
Tombstone for a comedian:
<font face="sans-serif"><b>I'LL BE HERE ALL WEEK</b></font>
%
If you believe I talk too much, just tell me.
We can chat about it.
%
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
-- Lana Turner
%
People say: nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.
-- Winnie the Pooh
%
You can use a fork as a spoon if you use it rapidly enough.
%
Everyone is entitled to be stupid, but some abuse the privilege.
%
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
-- Bill Murray
%
The scientific theory I like best is that
the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.
-- Mark Russell
%
I forgot my cell phone when I went to the toilet yesterday.
We have 245 floor tiles.
%
Be polite to every idiot you meet. He could be your boss tomorrow.
%
I'm so broke, I can't even pay attention.
%
It's useless to hold a person to anything they say --
when they are in love, drunk or running for office.
-- Shirley MacLaine
%
Ice can be an effective painkiller ...
especially if you pour some whiskey over it.
%
Do crabs think we walk sideways?
%
I called the mortuary but the line was dead.
%
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
%
A two-year old is kind of like having a blender,
but you don't have a top for it.
--- Jerry Seinfeld
%
It takes only one drink to get me drunk.
Problem is, I can't remember if it's the 13th or the 14th.
%
My mom had a very difficult childhood. <u>My</u> childhood.
%
A woman who always knows where her husband is ... is a widow.
%
The best place to hide a body? Page two of Google.
%
A plumber was working atop a skyscraper.
Sadly, he plunged to his death.
%
I would really like to beef up my self-esteem a bit.
But, I don't deserve it.
%
Bachelors know more about women than married men.
If they didn't, they'd be married too.
%
My wife divorced me because I'm a compulsive gambler.
All I can think about now is how to win her back.
%
My wife whispered in my ear that she's not wearing any underwear.
Oh boy! Now she's already growing forgetful.
%
I received a Final Notice letter from a lawyer yesterday.
Whew!! I'm glad that's over!
%
Panic, Chaos, Pandemonium – my work here is finished.
%
Man: Will you marry me?
Woman: No.
Two hours of awkward silence in the hot air balloon.
%
My friend wrote a book on poltergeists.
It's simply flying off the shelves.
%
You often see lovers' names carved in a tree.
I think it's disturbing how many people bring a knife on a date.
%
"Siri, why am I still single?!"
Siri activates front camera.
%
Dentist, "You need a crown."
Patient, "Finally someone who understands me!"
%
<b>Web site:</b> Your password 257EeffQ@# is not secure enough.
<b>ATM:</b> 1234 -- Here's your 500 dollars.
%
My grandmother reads the obituaries every day.
She wants to know who is single again.
%
She: I like men who can think ahead.
He: I already booked a room...
%
A child's observation: If mom laughs at dad's jokes, we have guests.
%
Interviewer, "Describe yourself in three words."
Me, "Quite lazy."
%
I enjoy playing our wedding video backwards.
%
5 PM I get a text from my girlfriend: <b>Me or football?!</b>
11 PM I text my girlfriend: <b>You of course!</b>
%
A nice Chinese couple gave me a fancy camera at The Grand Canyon.
I couldn't understand what they said, but it was very nice of them.
%
Pessimist: "Things just can't get any worse!"
Optimist: "Nah, of course they can!"
%
Cross a dog with an antenna -- and you get a Golden Receiver.
%
Sometimes I drink water -– just to surprise my liver.
%
There's a new font designed for medical doctors.
They're calling it Illegible Sans.
%
Who the hell is Rorschach and why did he paint so many pictures of my mother?!
%
God created economists so that meteorologists wouldn't feel so bad.
%
In ate dinner with a chess player on a checkered table cloth.
It took him almost half an hour to pass the salt.
%
The leading cause of computer problems is computer solutions.
%
On the tombstone of a computer geek: OFFLINE SINCE 2020
%
The adjective of quiz is quizzical, right?
So what's the adjective of test?
%
Before internet, everyone thought the cause of stupidity
was due to limited access to information
%
I can clearly smell alcohol on somebody's breath!
Um, boss, this is a Zoom meeting.
%
A good deadline reaches places motivation never could.
%
Chuck Norris rewrote the periodic table.
He added the element of surprise.
%
I tried to cross-breed cows and hyenas for my PhD thesis.
Bad idea! The result was a laughing stock for the whole university.
%
Considering that most people get buried in suits,
any zombie apocalypse is likely to be a rather formal affair.
%
A woman is like an open book.
On advanced string theory. In Farsi. Printed in Braille. But yeah, it's open.
%
Life is a bit like soccer.
You can either use your head, or a good, swift kick.
%
And just why should I go to Mike's funeral?
He's not coming to mine!
%
Being a 24-year-old virgin sucked.
I'm glad that's over.&nbsp; &nbsp; I'm 25 now.
%
How many psychologists do you need to change a light bulb?
Hmmmm, and how many do <i>YOU</i> think?
%
The trouble with internet quotes is that
it's extremely hard to ascertain their true origin.
-- Benjamin Franklin
%
I've been riding this bus to work for 15 years now.
Good heavens! Where did you get on?!
%
It was our wedding anniversary.
She wanted to celebrate with a minute of silence.
%
I wonder what it is on the Canadian flag
that they have to cover it up with a big leaf.
%
My uncle returned from the war with one leg.
He never said to whose it was.
%
My car horn now sounds like gunshots.
People move out of the way much faster now.
%
Relax, George. This will just be a small surgery.
But, my name is not George!
%
Fun Fact:
There is an earthworm in Australia that can grow to 10 feet.
%
Fun Fact:
The world's oldest toy is a stick.
%
Fun Fact:
The Bible mentions all sorts of domesticated animals,
with the exception of the cat.
%
Fun Fact:
A dentist invented the electric chair.
%
Fun Fact:
Before toilet paper, Americans used corn cobs.
%
Fun Fact:
Every kind of milk is breast milk.
%
Fun Fact:
Scotland's national animal is a unicorn.
%
Fun Fact:
There are more English speakers in China than in the United States.
%
Fun Fact:
Boring, Oregon is a sister city with Dull, Scotland.
%
Fun Fact:
Norway has a town called Hell. It freezes over quite regularly.
%
I attended my dentist's funeral.
He's filling his last cavity.
%
There are no words to describe my date last night.
But, there are a few rarely-used emojis that come real close.
%
I stopped being a prepper.
I ate all my provisions.
%
When my wife died I put a notice in the paper.
FREE TO A GOOD HOME: 36 ROD MCKUEN 8-TRACK TAPES.
%
My wife has two jobs, and I have three.
Fortunately, we get to see each other on holidays.
%
My doctor wants to run some more tests.
Seems my bill is still a bit low.
%
I blame my childhood for my cross-eyes.
I spent too much time standing on the corner.
%
Beauty comes from within.
... from within jars, tubes, bottles, and compacts.
%
Please don't rush me.
I'm waiting for the last minute.
%
It's not like me to brag, but
The cable company's recording said my call was <i>very important</i> to them.
%
Life is like staying in a hotel room,
only you don't know the check-out time.
%
The bank asked why I wanted to borrow money from them.
Silly question -- because I've spent all mine.
%
Every teacher wants to know what wine pairs well with back to school.
%
My doctor wants me to get an MRI, heart scan, CT scan, and PET scan.
I think I get that last one from a veterinarian.
%
I only did it so he wouldn't think I was chicken. And he did the same.
Makes you wonder what other dumb stuff we've done due to this dynamic.
%
I think my new interests mean I'm having a mid-life crisis.
My wife believes it's a cry for help.
%
Two percent of zero is almost nothing.
%
There was a time when I thought of my body as a temple.
Now it's more like a blow-up bouncy castle.
%
Our town has two mortuaries -- across the street from each other.
It's some real stiff competition.
%
I stood in line for 6 hours for the new iPhone.
I had time to reflect on what I'm doing with my life.
%
Since I started my diet, I've lost several pounds around my belly.
And I've gained a ton of unwanted commentary behind my back.
%
I was in diapers the last time my team won the championship.
I may be in diapers again when they win their next one.
%
I'm so old I remember playing solitaire with a deck of cards.
%
Age is just a number, and <u>mine</u> is unlisted.
%
If the tooth fairy collects teeth, what does the bogey man collect?
%
I thought my doctor's bill had a wrong Social Security Number for me.
Then I realized it was the amount due.
%
If at first you don't succeed ... go back and read the instructions.
%
My boss was afraid I was after his job.
Hah! I don't even want the one I got.
%
My child's back-to school list included ground coffee and toothpaste.
The teacher is <b>so</b> taking advantage of us!
%
Inside every old man is a young man wondering what the hell happened.
%
I can't see my brother-in-law growing old gracefully.
He can't even middle-age gracefully.
%
If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs ...
... you know you selected the right lawyer.
%
The say age is just a number.
Yeah, right! And jail is just a room.
%
My doctor called to give me the bad news.
She said my last check bounced.
%
We had a kid in grammar school that ate the white paste glue.
Later - in high school - he was the most stuck up guy in the class.
%
I need a pill stronger than 'sleep', but not as strong as 'coma'.
%
If cleanliness is next to godliness, why were we put on a planet named after <u>dirt</u>?
%
I'm dating a 50-year-old lady -- 25 years younger than me.
I guess I'm in my three-quarter-life crisis.
%
My sister-in-law gave me a vegetarian cookbook for barbecuing.
Turns out barbecue briquettes burn hotter and are easier to light.
%
If violence isn't solving the problem,
perhaps you're not using enough of it.
%
You have to wonder if some people actually <i>hear</i> the things they say.
%
My first wife and I met entirely by chance.
It was the stupid Butterfly Effect.
%
I Really don't like being bothered, but I can't <u>stand</u> being ignored.
%
My husband - a vegan - wants to be a stay-at-home dad.
I guess it's up to me to bring home the tofu.
%
In high school I was voted Most Likely To Ride The Bus To Work.
%
I did some research on my family's heraldry.
The coat of arms for one ancestor was a straitjacket.
%
I'm teaching one class in entrepreneurship at the community college.
... until I can find a full-time job.
%
A friend suggested I go on a diet.
In other news, last week I lost a friend.
%
A pie cut into tiny slices has fewer calories than an entire pie.
%
I'm at the age where, if I drop something,
I need to decide if it's worth picking up.
%
The killer bees and murder hornets are having a turf war in my back yard.
%
I'm home now.
I made the mistake of suggesting they get rid of the dead weight at work.
%
Sometimes I feel like Superman ... surrounded by a field of kryptonite.
%
Marriage is not for amateurs.
In my experience, you shouldn't enter in to it unless you've done it before.
%
I don't really go looking for trouble.
I just never recognize it when it sidles up to me.
%
I wonder how people on other planets celebrate Earth Day?
%
We really shouldn't complain about the rate for first class mail.
It's still only 2 cents a day.
%
A straw vote only shows which way the hot air blows.
%
Genius may have its limitations,
but stupidity is not thus handicapped.
%
Psychiatrists say that one out of four people are mentally ill.
Check three of your friends. If they're OK, you've got a problem.
%
<b>Cold</b> (Adj.),
When politicians walk around with their hands in their <i>own</i> pockets.
%
An object in motion will always be headed in the wrong direction.
An object at rest will always be in the wrong place.
%
&bull;&bull;&bull;&nbsp; A new quip or joke will appear here Real Soon Now &nbsp;&bull;&bull;&bull;
%
Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have their head examined.
%
<b>On-line</b> (Adj.), The idea that a human being should always be accessible to a computer.
%
Rap is to music what Etch-A-Sketch is to art.
%
For every credibility gap, there is a gullibility fill.
%
A psychiatrist is a person who will give you expensive answers
that your wife will give you for free.
%
Cloning is the sincerest form of flattery.
%
It may be that my whole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
%
Starting next week, passwords must be entered in Morse code.
%
Confidence is the feeling you have...
before you understand the situation.
%
Do infants have as much fun in infancy as adults do in adultery?
%
All you need to grow healthy, vigorous grass is a crack in your sidewalk.
%
I would've gone to work.
But the TV announcer said, Stay tuned.
%
A bachelor is a fella who has cheated some woman out of a divorce.
%
If time heals all wounds,
how come the belly button stays the same?
%
<b>Accordion</b> (N.), A bagpipe with pleats
%
You can make it illegal, but you can't make it unpopular.
%
In case of nuclear attack,
the ruling against prayer in schools will be temporarily lifted.
%
<b>Cynic</b> (N.), One who looks through rose-colored glasses with a jaundiced eye
%
There has been an alarming increase in the number of things I know nothing about.
%
Test-tube babies shouldn't throw stones.
%
Nudists are people who wear one-button suits.
%
You never know how many friends you have until you rent a house on the beach.
%
I used to get high on life, but lately I've built up a resistance.
%
No man is an island, but some of us are very long peninsulas.
%
The gods gave man fire and he invented fire engines.
They gave him love and he invented marriage.
%
It was an optical conclusion.
%
Absence makes the heart go wander.
%
Commitment can be illustrated by a breakfast of ham and eggs.
The chicken was involved, the pig was committed.
%
Extract revenge!
Live long enough to be a problem for your children!
%
Alimony is a system by which, when two people make a mistake,
one of them keeps paying for it.
%
Avoid any wine with a childproof cap.
%
Give your child mental blocks for Christmas.
%
A baby is an alimentary canal
with a loud voice at one end and no responsibility at the other.
%
Anything worth doing is worth overdoing
%
Be good. And, if you can't be good,
I want to hear <i><b>all</b></i> about it.
%
Everyone talks about apathy, but no one does anything about it.
%
When marriage is outlawed, only outlaws will have in-laws.
%
Familiarity breeds attempt.
%
Imagination is the one weapon in the war against reality.
%
Why do mountain climbers rope themselves together?
To prevent the sensible ones from going home.
%
It's a day for firm decisions <b>!!!!!</b>&emsp;Or is it?
%
One nice thing about egotists:
they don't talk about other people.
%
There are never enough hours in a day.
But there are always too many days before Saturday.
%
There's new graffiti at the high school done by an adult.
We can tell because it was done in cursive.
... And none of the kids understand it.
%
An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.
%
People will buy anything that's one to a customer.
%
What good is a ticket to the good life,
if you can't find the entrance?
%
I can no longer remember things long enough to have Déjà vu.
%
If at first you don't succeed, apply for a government job.
%
My birthstone is Fool's Gold.
%
My retirement is now official.
I just bought an <i>officeless</i> office chair.
%
Cleveland?Yes, I spent a week there one day.
%
Crime does not pay ... at least not as well as politics.
%
The moon may be smaller than Earth, but it's further away.
%
Today is the first day of the rest of the mess.
%
Without ice cream life and fame are meaningless.
%
Everything put together falls apart sooner or later.
%
Life is the whim of several billion cells to be you for a while.
%
The world is coming to an end!
Repent and return those library books!
%
Condense soup, not books!
%
Only adults have difficulty with childproof caps.
%
Marriage is always a bachelor's last option.
%
If life is a stage, I want some better lighting.
%
When you make your mark in the world, watch out for guys with erasers.
%
A cow is simply a machine which makes grass fit for people to eat.
%
Serving coffee on aircraft causes turbulence.
%
<b>Ass</b> (N.), The masculine of lass
%
I drink to make other people interesting.
%
Sex is not the answer.
Sex is the question. Yes is the answer.
%
You don't sew with a fork,
so I see no reason to eat with knitting needles.
%
Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
%
Resisting temptation is easier
when you think you'll probably get another chance later on.
%
A diplomat is a man who can convince his wife she'd look stout in a fur coat.
%
To vacillate or not to vacillate, that is the question ... or maybe not?
%
There are three kinds of lies: Lies, Damn Lies, and Statistics.
-- Disraeli
%
A government study found that the government needs more money for more government studies.
%
Don't knock President Fillmore. He kept us out of Vietnam.
%
I tend to snack a lot when I get stressed.
I stopped watching TV news and lost 5 pounds.
%
The History Channel is nothing but reruns today.
%
I'm making an effort to see the beauty in all God's creatures.
Ought to require only five more beers...
%
I am especially good at making predictions in hindsight.
%
I got a vasectomy because I didn't want any kids.
When I returned home they were still there.
%
I printed up my own EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH award.
I'm a big believer in creating your own narrative.
%
Please listen carefully, as our options have changed.
If you'd like to press one, press three. If you'd like to press two, press seven.
%
I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.
%
As a child I was exposed to a lot of Three Stooges movies.
I spoke pig-Latin before I spoke English.
%
My favorite game is making a shopping list and leaving in on the kitchen table.
Then I slowly walk through the store trying to remember what was on it.
%
To be honest, I have absolutely no idea how uninformed I am.
%
I just got out of bed.
So please give me some privacy during this very difficult time.
%
A TROUGH: The collective noun for a group of bankers.
%
Our 50th wedding anniversary is coming up.
Feels like it's only been a half-century.
%
My horse's name is Mayo.
Mayo neighs.
%
I'm really not being rude.
I just hold very strong opinions.
%
There was a restaurant critic last night at the place we frequent.
I was informed that I slouch, use the wrong fork, and hum when I chew.
%
I had some suggestion to improve the history course I taught.
But the department head had a vow to never change the course of history.
%
Every warning label probably has an awesome back story.
%
I've thought about running away more as an adult that I ever did as a kid.
%
Kids are our future.
Not <u>your</u> kids, better ones.
%
I used a baby changing station at the mall.
I was lucky and got a friendly cat.
%
My brother-in-law uses a cart when golfing.
He had to special order one that was all-terrain.
%
I offered to teach a class on levitation at the Community College.
But it never got off the ground.
%
I was offered a position as a plainclothes investigator..
But my penchant for haute couture would not let me accept.
%
I wish losing weight was as easy as losing my train of thought.
%
My wife's phone bill added a penalty for exceeding the unlimited minutes.
%
I hate that I now need reading glasses to eat spaghetti.
%
I remember when phones didn't have batteries.
%
I'm so old I remember staying at home when expecting a phone call.
%
A mime was arrested and charged with unspeakable crimes.
%
I just need enough to tide me over until I need more.
%
Come to think of it, there are already a million monkeys on
a million typewriters, and Twitter is nothing like Shakespeare.
%
Abandon hope, all ye who press [ENTER] here.
%
Every 4 seconds a woman has a baby.
Our problem is to find this woman and stop her.
%
I should be given an award for keeping my mouth shut when there is <u>so much</u> to be said!
%
Just left another insufferable meeting at work.
I should get workman's comp for biting my tongue!
%
Never forget you are someone's reason to smile.
You're also probably the reason somebody drinks.
%
I like the sound some people make when they shut up.
%
I was meant to be rich.
I can tell by the way I spend money.
%
I just told some kid that I'm older than Google.
The thought I was joking.
%
I keep trying to make protein shakes.
But they all turn out to be margaritas.
%
At my age, when asked if I'm seeing anyone,
I assume they mean my therapist.
%
I was imprisoned for making big bucks.
They were about 1 centimeter too long.
%
Anything cut to length will be too short.
%
Unfortunately my lawyer confused due diligence with doo-doo diligence.
%
I told the boss I needed a raise.
I did not say I expected one...
%
It's Friday, I'm staying in, and I couldn't be happier.
Man, I'm old.
%
A friend - on his phone constantly - suffers from <b>FOMO,</b> Fear Of Missing Out.
Me -- I suffer from <b>DUNNO.</b> I dunno and I don't care.
%
I lost a small fortune in the market!
I dropped a whole carton of eggs leaving the checkout line!
%
Why do you answer every question with a question?
Oh? You got a problem with that?
%
Duct tape can't fix stupid.
But it can muffle the sound.
%
Now kids have Artificial Intelligence for a resource.
When I was a kid, my homework done by bribing other kids.
%
At first I thought he was deep.
To late I learned he was just piled high.
%
My niece thought grandma sent her a foreign language birthday letter.
It was written in cursive.
%
The first step to reconciliation is to take responsibility for your share of the problem;
and realize the other person is a jerk.
%
Hmmmm... My swear jar is full.
Time to buy that #%@$! lava lamp that's on sale.
%
For many years scientists have tried to perfect fault tolerant systems.
Meanwhile, Microsoft profits by exploiting fault tolerant customers.
-- Marvin Jones
%
In every week's story, Monday is the villain,
and coffee is the hero!
%
Why is Beach Therapy not covered as preventative care?
%
I just turned 50.
I have a new appreciation of how short a century really is.
%
They started putting healthy snacks in the office vending machine.
But the rotting fruit just makes the candy bars taste funny.
%
Facts are stubborn. -- John Adams
Yet, idiots are more stubborn.
%
A pedestrian is a fella who thought his wife gassed up the vehicle.
%
A friend is opening a shop selling various ferns.
She started a Go Frond Me.
%
As a child I learned my first word from cable TV.
The TV wasn't on as much after that.
%
If a No. 2 pencil is so great, why isn't it No. 1?
%
I did <b>not</b> forget my password.
<font size=2>I just remembered it incorrectly...</font>
%
DROOL: The collective noun for a group of St. Bernards.
%
Sorry. Can't stay. I have to be anywhere else.
%
The waiter was treating me like an app.
He was not agreeing to my terms and conditions.
%
A Bottom-up Approach to life will serve you well.
Start with a pedicure and comfortable shoes.
%
Horror films advance the plot through a process of elimination.
%
I was sure I had a novel in me.
Turns out it was just a pamphlet.
%
Adopted kids are such a bother!
You have to teach them how to look like you.
%
A question posed during my federal job interview:
Would you have a problem spending other people's money?
%
<b>Spork</b> (N.), What to stab someone with that will create the maximum irritation with minimum damage
%
Would you like to be downsized or laid off?
%
I received and declined a job offer from a Canadian company.
Start immediately. I couldn't learn a foreign language overnight.
%
I used the correct amount of detergent and fabric softener.
The problem was the washing machine wasn't meant for dishes.
%
This applies in so many situations:
The higher a monkey climbs, the more you see its bottom.
%
I Googled "how to make money?"
and got 900 hits for printing press vendors.
%
Wow! I must really be tired.
I just entered my email password into my microwave.
%
I lost my job as a psychic. Wow, I didn't see that coming!
%
The closest I ever came to perfection was on an employment application.
%
At the bottom of the form it said, Sign Here.
I wrote Scorpio
%
A bargain is something you don't need at a price you can't resist.
%
Being senile, I can hide my own Easter eggs.
%
I quit my job crushing pop cans.
It was soda pressing!
%
I was fired because of my poor communication skills.
I didn't know what to say.
%
We're all lucky that the last minute exists.
%
A man tried to hijack a bus full of Japanese tourists.
The police have 2,953 photos of him.
%
Losing a wife can be very tough.
Some may even say impossible.
%
My boss asked me to put a joke on the first slide of his presentation
Apparently a picture of my pay slip wasn't what he was looking for.
%
A positive attitude may not solve all your problems.
But it <u>will</u> annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.
%
Some cause happiness wherever they go.
Others <i>whenever</i> they go.
%
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian.
Just as standing in a garage won't make you a car.
%
Paper airplanes that can't fly ... stationary.
%
I can tell when my wife is lying just by looking at her.
I can also tell when she's standing.
%
It's not a beer gut.
It's a protective covering for my rock hard abs.
%
We have enough youth.
How about a Fountain of Smart?
%
Shouldn't the roof of your mouth actually be called the ceiling?
%
The pollen count, now that's a difficult job.
Especially if you've got hay fever.
%
This is your captain speaking.
AND THIS IS YOUR CAPTAIN SHOUTING.
%
Have you heard about those new corduroy pillows?
They're making headlines.
%
My driving instructor told me to pull over somewhere safe.
It took nearly 2 hours to get out of New Jersey.
%
Years ago I used to supply Filofaxes for the mafia.
I was involved in organized crime.
%
I put a bet on a horse to come in at 10 to 1 – and it did!
Unfortunately all the others came in at 12:30.
%
A cow walks into a bar. The barman says, "Hey!"
"Yes please", says the cow.
%
Anyone who lives within their means suffers from a lack of imagination.
%
My child gave me a 'World's Best Dad' mug.
At least she inherited my sense of humor.
%
The cost of air at the gas station has gone up again.
Yep, that's inflation.
%
I was a trust fund baby.
My parents trusted me to go fund myself.
%
One way for your children to learn about money is for you not to have any.
%
People are living longer than ever before,
probably made necessary by the 30-year mortgage.
%
A tip from the IRS: The trick is to stop thinking of it as 'your' money.
%
Marriage is grand. Divorce is about twenty-five grand.
%
I always tell new hires, Don't think of me as your boss.
Think of me as your friend who can fire you.
%
My resume is just a list of things I hope you never ask me to do.
%
I use artificial sweetener at work.
I add it to everything I say to my boss.
%
All I ask is the chance to prove that money can't buy happiness.
%
It takes some guts to be an organ donor.
%
I had a Taser once. It was stunning.
%
I photographed a wheat field. It turned out grainy.
%
I want to be a doctor, but I don't have enough patience.
%
I recommend teamwork ... someone else to blame.
%
A a diabetes awareness website asked me if I'd accept cookies.
%
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth.
Then it's a soap opera.
%
I thought Swimming With Dolphins was expensive.
But, swimming with sharks cost me an arm &amp; a leg.
%
Do you wanna box for your leftovers?
No, but I'll arm wrestle you for them.
%
I'm confused.
Aren't we all currently head over heels?
%
I thought the dryer was shrinking my clothes.
Turns out it was the refrigerator all along.
%
I lost my job at the banana packing plant.
I was throwing out the bent ones.
%
I like jokes about stationery,
but rulers are where I draw the line.
%
There should be confetti in tires,
so it's still an okay day when you have a blow-out.
%
Alcohol is an effective solvent.
It dissolves marriages, families, and careers.
%
I have a dog to provide me with unconditional love.
I also have a cat to remind me that I don't deserve it.
%
Learn to spell. AutoCorrect isn't always write.
%
I saw a man with one arm at a secondhand store.
Went up to him and said, I don't think you'll find it here.
%
A kid in the geography class threw a tantrum.
He had a latitude problem.
%
A penguin walks into a bar and asks to the bartender, Has my brother been in today?
The bartender replies, Dunno. What does he look like?
%
Adam &amp; Eve were the first to ignore Apple's terms and conditions.
%
I circumcise elephants at the zoo.
The money's not great but the tips are huge.
%
I cry uncontrollably whenever I am about to get intimate with a girl.
Have any good tips for dealing with pepper spray?
%
I've never tried cow tipping before.
How much do you usually drop in their jar?
%
I don't have the blood alcohol level to deal with this.
%
Remember, if we get caught...
You're deaf &amp; I don't speak English.
%
I hate it when I see an old person,
and then realize we went to high school together.
%
Of course the box says, NEW AND IMPROVED.
Since As Good As It's Going To Get is not so catchy.
%
Everyone is the star in their own life story.
However, I believe I was miscast.
%
Many alligators will be slain, but the swamp will remain.
%
Sigh... It's a Monday kind of Tuesday.
%
My favorite country music song is <u>My Country, 'Tis of Thee</u>.
%
At first I thought they delivered the pizza with nothing on it.
Then it was pointed out that I opened the box upside down.
%
I'm looking for a job where people ask, "You get paid to do this?"
%
A man's brain doesn't fully mature until the time he gets married.
Ironically, then it's too late.
%
My stock broker is proposing a new investment tragedy.
%
Brain Food: Noodle Soup
%
About our trip to see my parents... When should we depart?
Um...Soon after we get there?
%
His men would follow him anywhere,
but only out of morbid curiosity.
%
I'm a firm believer in the Here After.
I walk into a room and wonder what I'm here after..
%
I really miss the Good Old days.
When folks commented on my full body look, they meant my hair.
%
My 2% pay hike boosted me into a 10% higher tax bracket.
%
I've been running into old friends a lot lately.
Funerals really bring out the old gang.
%
I though that beer tasted familiar.
The label says Déjà Beer.
%
Well, I'm glad that's over.
The things I was most afraid of happening have already happened.
%
When a lizard loses his tail,
it gets a new one at the <i>retail</i> store.
%
HONK IF YOUR SOLUTION TO COMPLEX PROBLEMS
&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;CAN BE SUMMED UP ON A BUMPER STICKER
%
After the rain I rescued the worms I found on the sidewalk.
I wonder if that makes me a First Responder?
%
It's amusing to see folks take ego trips with so little luggage.
%
The longer you're on the highway of life,
the faster the speed limit seems to be.
%
A riding lawn mower is just a go-cart that also does chores.
%
Well, there's <i>one</i> thing I miss in my retirement.
My expense account!
%
My wife has a stressful job at the post office.
After all, it <i>is</i> a mail-dominated environment.
%
I'll never forget my password.
I named my dog &bull;&bull;&bull;&bull;&bull;&bull;&bull;&bull;.
%
They were open, but I don't think I want to eat there.
They require a signed release upon entering.
%
Why does <u>my</u> horoscope always favor my wife?
%
My friend, Cecil lost 25 pounds using his will-power.
So <u>he</u> lost 25 lbs... All <u>I</u> lost was my will-power.
%
The wife bought a BEWARE OF DOG sign for Max.
I didn't even know Max could read.
%
"You might think about getting hearing aids."
"Why on earth would I want to get hand grenades?"
%
Ever wonder why you see old people with their mouths hanging open?
It's because we're increasing appalled at what the next generation is doing.
%
She says she doesn't want to insult my intelligence.
Hah! That means she thinks I have some.
%
I ate at a new place called The Coronation Cafe.
Their signature menu item is The Crown Roast.
%
I ate at a new place called The Corn Cafe.
Their signature menu item is The Cob Salad.
%
I learned this rich guy makes $100 every time the clock ticked.
I'm searching Amazon to find a clock like that!
%
If you come upon a potato in the woods, avoid eye contact.
%
We get climate change gas emissions from cows and people driving.
I did not know that cows could drive.
%
The credit card company called to ask if my card was stolen.
They saw that it was used sign up at the gym.
%
Our local zoo had to send our Harbor Seal to another zoo.
He didn't play well with otters.
%
I only get sick on work days.
I have a weekend immune system.
%
I'm glad I attached an air-tag to my luggage.
Otherwise I'd never have known my suitcase was in Toledo.
%
Scientist are worried about how man can survive on Mars.
I'm concerned how we'll survive here on Earth.
%
My sister-in-law spent a fortune on collagen lip injections.
You could say she really put her money where her mouth is.
%
There was a time I could describe my favorite hot, spicy food.
Now I can describe my favorite flavor of Tums.
%
I lost my debit card at the gas station.
The pump said LEAVE CARD INSERTED.
%
I was asked if laziness runs in my family.
Hah!! Nobody runs in my family.
%
At the pace everything becomes obsolete these days,
it seem like there should be a lot more Antique Shops!
%
Our neighbors are going to renew their wedding vows.
This is the first I knew they would expire!
%
Customer service representatives are standing by.
They're just not answering their phones.
%
Last week I registered with a national employment agency.
Now I'm out of work all over the country.
%
Avoid mixing your metaphors when writing.
After all, it's not rocket surgery.
%
I was very indecisive when I was a child.
I spent months selecting my first spoken word.
%
It doesn't matter who you vote for;
the government always gets in.
%
Where are the calculations that go with a calculated risk?
%
As I looked at myself naked in the mirror, I thought to myself...
I'm going to get thrown out of IKEA any moment now.
%
The year 2020 was an especially unique leap year.
February had 29 days, March had 300 days, and April was 5 years long.
%
I sympathize with batteries.
I'm never included with anything, either.
%
There's a fine line between fishing
and standing on the shore looking like an idiot.
%
Criminal lawyer is a redundancy.
%
Did you sleep good?
No, I made a few mistakes.
%
Politically correct is an oxymoron.
Nothing political is correct.
%
The purpose of politics is to prolong the circus.
%
5 parking meters = 500 parking centimeters
%
Ever notice how irons have a setting for <i>PERMANENT</i> press?
I don't get it...
%
I used to be a bartender at the Betty Ford Clinic.
%
It doesn't matter what temperature the room is.
It's always room-temperature.
%
We had a power outage at the mall yesterday.
There were 36 people trapped on the escalators.
%
My girlfriend says I speak too harshly of myself.
But, she says, sometimes I make some interesting points.
%
Right now I'm having amnesia and Déjà vu at the same time.
I think I've forgotten this before.
%
I installed a skylight in my apartment.
The people living upstairs are furious!
%
I was caught putting Slinkys on the store's <i>up</i> escalator.
%
I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.
%
I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day.
That means it's going to be up all night.
%
When I was a little kid we had a sand box.
It was a quicksand box.
%
I just bought a microwave fireplace.
You can spend an evening in front of it in only eight minutes.
%
Did I already tell you my dementia joke?
%
Imitation rhinestones?!?
%
With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine.
However, this is not necessarily a good idea....
%
Is 'tired old cliche' one?
%
Yesterday I locked my keys out of my car.
I had to break out of my car with a coat hanger.
%
I used to be a proofreader for a sky writing company.
%
I used to own an ant farm but had to give it up.
I couldn't find small enough tractors
%
If a jogger runs at the speed of sound, can he still hear his Walkman?
%
I'm not worried about a Third World War.
That's the Third World's problem.
%
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
%
Why is the alphabet in that order?
Is it because of that song?
%
My brother-in-law is weird.
He has false teeth, but he has braces on them.
%
How did a fool and his money get together in the first place?
%
Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!
%
I was once arrested for walking in someone else's sleep.
%
Is it weird in here, or is it just me?
%
Environmentalists claim an area the size of New Jersey is destroyed every day.
Why is it never New Jersey?
%
Went to court for a parking ticket. I pleaded insanity.
%
I used to be a mime.
But I can talk about it.
%
The federal income tax has made more liars out of Americans than golf has.
%
People ought to mate for life -- like pigeons or Catholics.
%
It's not an optical illusion; it just looks like one.
%
I failed to make the chess team because of my height.
%
I like to leave messages before the beep.
%
I bought some used paint.
It was in the shape of a car.
%
My uncle was crushed by a piano.
His funeral was very low key.
%
A cure for agoraphobia is on the horizon.
%
Eternity is really long, especially near the end.
%
I used to be a plastic surgeon, which raised a few eyebrows.
%
If blind people wear dark glasses,
why don't deaf people wear earmuffs?
%
I don't make up jokes.
I just watch the government and report the facts.
%
Be thankful we're not getting all the government we're paying for.
%
I'm about as busy as a pickpocket in a nudist colony.
%
I realized I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat.
%
I did a sponsored walk once.
I raised so much money, I could afford a taxi.
%
Most of the time I don't have much fun.
The rest of the time I don't have any fun at all.
%
I believe there is something out there watching over us,
Unfortunately, it's the government.
%
I'm giving my analyst one more year -- then I'm going to Lourdes.
%
Balanced Diet: A cookie in each hand.
%
Diet: A brief period of starvation followed by a gain of five pounds.
%
Diet: What helps a person gain weight more slowly.
%
Diet: The penalty for exceeding the feed limit.
%
Diet: Something to take the starch out of you.
%
Diet: Something you keep putting off while you keep putting on.
%
Diet: Selection of foods for people who are thick and tired of it.
%
Diet: A system of starving yourself to death to live a little longer.
%
Diet Planner: A fast talker.
%
Shrink Wrap: An animated psychiatrist ranting rhymes.
%
I always hoped I would end up looking like Cary Grant or Hugh Grant.
Unfortunately, Mother Nature had Lou Grant in mind.
%
I'm not much of a Do It Yourself guy.
I'm more of a Screw It Up Myself guy.
%
Time is like a River.
The longer you're in it, the more wrinkled you get.
%
The cable guy will be here ... sometime between noon and the next full moon.
%
I had to give up playing poker with the guys.
The top of my head sweats when I get a good hand.
%
My sister-in-law is fairly dim-witted.
She phoned me to get my number so she could send me a text.
%
I've given up all hope of ever having a side hustle.
Because a side hustle would imply I have a main hustle.
%
I was praised by upper management.
I was awarded Workaholic of the Month.
%
At my age, Happy Hour counts as night life.
%
Ordinarily I'm a night person, but I could become a day person.
Well, I could if mornings started around noon.
%
I really like what mechanics wear -- overall.
%
Never pick a fight with an ugly person.
They've got nothing to lose.
%
'Age appropriate' clothing is advised.
For me that would be a shroud.
%
The most dangerous thing about American food? The portions.
%
Never wear anything that panics the cat.
%
A quarter-ounce of chocolate = four pounds of fat.
%
I ain't afraid to die fat.
That's my pallbearers' worry.
%
I don't look older. I just look worse.
%
Anatomy: Everyone has it, but it looks better on a girl.
%
T-shirts that get you out of jury duty
will not get you through air port security.
%
My psychiatrist told me I was crazy.
I wanted a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.
%
The only man who can fool all the women all the time is a fashion designer.
%
Stress is your body's way of saying
you haven't worked enough unpaid overtime.
%
I burned 90 calories.
That should take care of the Milky Way I ate in 1981.
%
These pants are dry-clean only -- which means they're dirty.
%
Figures show it: Americans are putting on those pounds.
%
There is an obesity epidemic in America.
One out of every three Americans weighs as much as the other two.
%
He is so short, he poses for trophies.
%
She's tall enough to go duck hunting with a rake.
%
She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.
%
The other day, I got a henna tattoo that says Forever.
%
You know you're getting fat when you can pinch an inch on your forehead.
%
Looking fifty is great – if you're sixty.
%
I work in a clown shoe factory, which is no small feat.
%
I'm so out of shape that I can't even jump to conclusions.
%
I've put on some weight recently.
My wife says it's just puppy fat.
But I've been eating other things as well.
%
Girdle: Accessory after the fat.
%
You don't get a body like mine overnight.
No, it takes years of neglect.
%
My favorite food is seconds.
%
The meal is not over when I'm full.
The meal is over when I hate myself.
%
I've got a washboard stomach,
and about two months of laundry on top of it.
%
I went to a freak show and they let me in for nothing.
%
My first wife was so ugly that her face could stop a sundial.
%
I have such poor vision I can date anybody.
%
People ask me how much I weigh. I tell them, 170 pounds, naked;
that is, if that scale outside the drugstore is accurate.
%
I had agoraphobia as a child.
I had to trick or treat over the phone.
%
My body was blessed by Mother Nature.
As I got older, it was cursed by Father Time.
%
Middle age is when your old classmates are so grey and wrinkled and bald they don't recognize you.
%
The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
%
A bleeding heart can be hell on the carpeting.
%
Inside me lives a skinny woman crying to get out.
But I can usually shut her up with chocolate..
%
Obesity is widespread.
%
It's true I married my wife for her looks
But not the ones she's been giving me lately.
%
If you look like your passport photo, you're too sick to travel.
%
No one is as ugly as their passport photo.
%
The supply sergeant quartermaster has only two sizes,
too large and too small.
%
My wife has just two complaints.
First, she's got absolutely nothing to wear.
And second, she's run out of closet space to keep it in.
%
Last evening a mugger took off his mask and made me wear it.
%
Wrinkled was not one of the things I wanted to be when I grew up.
%
The weirder you're going to behave,
the more normal you should look.
%
My son needs to make his paper look <u>not</u> like it was written by AI.
So, he adds typos and other errors to make it look human.
%
Upon retirement we moved into a motor home full time.
The kids can't move back in if they can't find us.
%
I gave up on the Get-Rich-Quick scheme.
Now I'm taking the Go-Broke-Slow approach.
%
The woman at the bar asked me to text her later.
Seems she did that so she could block my number.
%
They call it plagiarism.
I call it Cut &amp; Paste.
%
An authority is a person who can tell you more about something than you really care to know.
%
I feel like I've been faking my life all these years.
Maybe I should fake my death for balance.
%
I believe she's getting serious now.
I found a Honey-Do-Or-Else list on the fridge.
%
Fireworks give me bad flashbacks.
In my previous life, I was a dog.
%
It's The Fourth Of July and the fireworks start soon.
Just as soon as my sister-in-law gets here.
%
I like to call therapy baggage claim.
%
A body at rest tends to watch television.
%
Television Programming: Material that fills the time between commercials.
%
Imitation is the sincerest form of television.
%
Television: A watching machine.
%
Television enables you to be entertained in your home by people you wouldn't have in your home.
%
Television is a device that permits people who haven't anything to do to watch people who can't do anything.
%
Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television.
%
Television is to news what bumper stickers are to philosophy.
%
Television is like the American toaster.
You push the button and the same thing pops up every time.
%
Entertainment is a thing of the past.
Today we've got television.
%
I went to group therapy to try and cope with loneliness.
But no one else turned up.
%
<b>Oxymoron:</b> Virtual Reality
%
<b>Oxymoron:</b> Reality TV
%
When they first offered super-sized fast food, I bought them for the bargain.
Now-a-days I eat the regular portions because they super-sized the prices.
%
Socializing on the internet is to socializing, what reality TV is to reality.
%
They arrested a kleptomaniac bodybuilder.
He lifted some weights.
%
I went to therapy to address my fear of abandonment.
But the therapist never showed up.
%
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
%
The difference between fiction and reality -- fiction has to make sense.
%
Never argue with a fool -- people might not know the difference.
%
Indecision may or may not be my problem.
%
It's easy to identify people who can't count to ten.
They're in front of you in the supermarket express lane.
%
When politicians get ideas, they usually get it wrong.
%
Creditors have better memories than debtors.
%
A fool and his money is a friend indeed.
%
Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.
%
Some people will drive 3 miles to walk 2 miles on a treadmill.
%
Some people hear voices; some see invisible people;
others have no imagination whatsoever.
%
Some drink at the fountain of knowledge; others just gargle.
%
When you don't know what you are doing, do it neatly.
%
Little things affect little minds.
%
Nothing is more responsible for the good old days than a bad memory.
%
In politics, stupidity is not a handicap.
%
When arguing with a stupid person,
be sure he isn't doing the same thing.
%
Real stupidity beats artificial intelligence every time.
%
I can read minds but, it's pointless because I'm illiterate.
%
I have always had a bad memory, as far back as I can remember.
%
A lot of people mistake a short memory for a clear conscience.
%
The trouble isn't that people are ignorant.
It's that they know so much that ain't so.
%
You can lead a man to Congress, but you can't make him think.
%
No good decision was ever made in a swivel chair.
%
I screwed up and kicked the ball into the wrong goal.
At least I can brag that I kicked the winning goal...
%
I was criticized for watching so much TV and told to read more.
So I got a subscription to TV Guide.
%
A committee's approach to new ideas is not to kill them,
but to let them die of neglect.
%
A lot of good arguments are spoiled by some fool who knows what he's talking about.
%
Too bad the only people who know how to run the country are busy driving cabs and cutting hair.
%
How many fools does it take to make up a public?
%
It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.
%
Ever notice that 'what the hell' is always the right decision?
%
Perhaps imagination is only intelligence having fun.
%
Any simple idea will be worded in the most complicated way.
%
Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.
%
The incompetent with nothing to do can still make a mess of it.
%
First you forget names, then you forget faces.
Next you forget to pull your zipper up,
and finally, you forget to pull it down.
%
You cannot fabricate a wit out of two half-wits.
%
A fool and his money are soon partying.
%
Ninety-nine percent of the people in the world are fools.
And the rest of us are in great danger of contagion.
%
At twenty, we don't care what the world thinks of us
At thirty, we worry about what it's thinking of us.
At forty, we discover it isn't thinking about us at all.
%
If all economists were laid end to end,
they would not reach a conclusion.
%
Every good idea sooner or later degenerates into hard work.
%
Radio is the theater of the mind.
Television is the theater of the mindless.
%
The only way to entertain some folks is to pretend to listen to them.
%
I think the world is run by C students.
%
The voices in my head may not be real,
but they have some good ideas!
%
Human genius has its limits, while human stupidity does not.
%
The most valuable function performed by the federal government is entertainment.
%
If stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out?
%
The less a person knows, the more he wants to tell it.
%
The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.
%
Bill Gates is a very rich man today -- and do you want to know why?
The answer is one word: versions.
%
To an adolescent, there is nothing in the world more embarrassing than a parent.
%
I always try to cooperate fully with the IRS, because,
as a citizen, I feel a strong patriotic duty not to go to jail.
%
One difference between men and women is that when a woman says smell this,
it usually smells nice.
%
Eating rice cakes is like chewing on a foam coffee cup, only less filling.
%
Golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants.
Today it's open to anybody who wears hideous clothing.
%
I think my wife has started to show the first signs of Alzheimer's.
She said she can't remember what she ever saw in me!
%
I went for a walk with a girl the other day.
When she noticed me, we went for a run.
%
Better to remain silent and be thought a fool,
than to speak and remove all doubt.
%
If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.
%
The shinbone is a device used for locating furniture in a dark room.
%
I scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
I am not sure what scared him more,
the fact that I was naked or that I knew where he lived.
%
If you ever see me out jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me.
%
You'd have to be pretty low to pickpocket a midget.
%
I found that if you tuck one part of your trousers into your sock. people expect much less from you.
%
As a kid, I believed that This little piggy went to market meant it went shopping.
%
Ghost walks into a coffee shop and orders a shot of rum.
Barista says, "Sorry we don't serve spirits here."
%
The first testicular guard, the Cup, was used in hockey in 1874.
The first hockey helmet was used in 1974.
It only took men 100 years to realize that their brain is also important.
%
How many times is it appropriate to say What? before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?
%
Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty.
Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
%
I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front.
Stay strong, brothers and sisters!
%
Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
%
I disagree with Kay Jewelers.
I bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.
%
I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
%
I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
%
Bad decisions make good stories.
%
I keep some people's numbers in my cellphone just so I know not to answer when they call.
%
I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.
%
Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray?
I don't want to have to restart my collection, again.
%
The nurse asked me which arm would give the best blood pressure reading.
I replied, "Probably yours."
%
Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
%
Map Quest really needs to start their directions on #5.
I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
%
Was learning cursive really necessary?
%
How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
%
I totally regret all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.
%
My wife says kissing my mustache feels like kissing a hairbrush.
I wonder why she knows what kissing a hairbrush is like?
%
My wife picked our anniversary date for our new ATM card pin.
I just know she did that on purpose!
%
Some mornings I wish coffee came straight out of the shower head.
%
After an AI answered a question, it asked me to take a picture with it.
That AI is selfie-aware!
%
Block Party: Birthdays in Lego Land.
%
My congressman has a winning political strategy.
When they go low, he goes lower.
%
I decide to drop Restaurant Hospitality 101 after Spring Break.
I can't wait!
%
The local cinema is showing both King Kong <i>and</i> Godzilla.
It's a double creature event.
%
How rude!
The local community college sent me an Honorary Expulsion.
%
When I turned 70, I received a Pickleball Club membership.
I guess it's the law.
%
There's nothing like a long afternoon nap.
It really shortens the workday.
%
My inferiority complex is especially bad.
My therapist asks me to use the rear entrance.
%
My wife says I never listen to her.
At least that's what I think she said.
%
It was wrong to ask if she was trying to poison my meal.
I don't want to put ideas in her head.
%
Why would Roquefort Cheese have an expiration date?
%
Sometimes I fear our kids will live with us forever.
But, that's silly. We are not going to live forever.
%
I have an emotional support TV.
%
My ex still sends me birthday cards. -- C.O.D.
%
We started our marriage on a shoe shoestring.
Now she complains that she married a <i>loafer.</i>
%
I need to make eye contact when my wife is talking.
-- to give the illusion of listening.
%
I've often been accused of dawdling or lollygagging.
However, I'm actually dilly-dallying.
%
I tend to be very modest.
But then, I have so much to be modest about.
%
My surgery post-op requires a plate in my head.
But my insurance company will only cover a paper plate.
%
I was wrongly arrested for impersonating a politician
I just literally did nothing.
%
Giving advice likely to kill the stupid is called passive eugenics.
%
For a new gambling experience,
try sending yourself a $50 bill by USPS.
%
I let my subscription to Scrabble Club lapse.
Now they're sending me threatening letters.
%
The punchline comes before the joke.
What's the problem with time travel jokes?
%
My head has got to stop making plans my body can't possibly keep.
%
The manufacturer raised the price of their cereal again.
They had to cover the cost of the smaller package.
%
I have something my sibling does not.
A sister.
%
My wife has a cynical view of my retirement.
She says I've gone from over-worked to under-foot.
%
I heard that the town's oldest person died last night.
So, I Googled the story and, luckily, it was not me.
%
I would like to introduce you to my second wife.
Unfortunately I'm still stuck with the first one.
%
My wife starts every day by reading two things:
her email and my face for signs of guilt.
%
Dollar stores were once called Five &amp; Dimes.
%
No matter which carousel you stand by,
your luggage will come in on another one.
%
My grandma never gets any phone calls.
So, I put one of those 'How's my driving?' placards on her car.
%
Honk If You Love Jesus.
Text While Driving If You Want to Meet Him.
%
I've got a tooth that's driving me to extraction.
%
The best laid plans of mice and men are usually about equal.
%
Virtue is just vice at rest.
%
Some object to the fan dancer, others to the fan.
%
There are never enough hours in a day,
but always too many days before Saturday.
%
More dirt comes out of a hole than you can get back into it.
%
There is no mechanical problem so difficult that it cannot be solved by brute strength and ignorance.
%
Fools and their money <u>should</u> be parted.
Let's get that money back into circulation.
%
An object at rest will be in the wrong place.
An object in motion will be going the wrong direction.
%
No politician ever went un-elected underestimating
the intelligence of the American public.
%
When the plane you are on is late,
the plane you want to transfer to is on time.
%
All weather tires don't work in snow.
%
Anything done while honking your horn is legal.
You may park anywhere if you turn your four-way flashers on.
%
There's an unseen force which lets birds know
when you've just washed your car.
%
The last gas station for 50 miles will be closed when you get there.
%
Learn to live within your income,
even if you have to borrow to do so.
%
The fact that you do not know the answer does not meant that someone else does.
%
If your condition seems to be getting better,
it's probably your doctor getting sick.
%
Misery no longer loves company.
Nowadays it insists on it.
%
A taxpayer is someone who does not have to take a
civil service exam in order to work for the government.
%
The one who least wants to play is the one who will win
%
Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune moment.
%
People who eat natural foods will die of natural causes.
%
We're all going down the same road in different directions.
%
When things go wrong, don't go with them.
%
All things being equal, all things are never equal.
%
The repairman will never have seen a model quite like yours before.
%
There's no special reason; it's just government policy.
%
The bag that breaks is the one with the eggs.
%
Name on building: upper class.
Name on desk: middle class.
Name on shirt: working class
%
A man with one watch knows what time it is.
A man with two watches is never sure.
%
Just when you get really good at something,
you don't need to do it anymore.
%
Cut to fit – beat into place.
%
Some mistakes are too fun to make only once.
%
The most expensive component is the one that breaks.
%
If you view your situation closely enough,
you will recognize yourself as part of the problem.
%
The better the four-wheel drive,
the further away you'll be when you get stuck.
%
Remember that not all the faculty have all their faculties.
%
If you don't say it, they can't repeat it.
%
The idea is to die young as late as possible.
%
Anything that happens enough times to irritate you,
will happen at least once more.
%
A little ignorance can go a long way.
%
Government expands to absorb revenue and then some.
%
Most projects require three hands.
%
Anything that begins well ends badly.
Anything that begins badly ends worse.
%
Those who know the least will always know it the loudest.
%
Clearly stated instructions will produce multiple interpretations.
%
Every clarification breeds new questions.
%
The mountain gets steeper as you get closer.
And, the mountain looks closer than it is.
%
So many with a high school diploma.
So few with a high school education.
%
I'm at the age where I have to find my hearing aid to ask where my glasses are.
%
Lately I've been focusing on self-care.
It's a nice chance of pace from self-loathing.
%
It's <b>hot.</b> It's summer time.
I wish it was some-other time.
%
I had a rough childhood.
It was so rough, I was expelled from home school.
%
Welcome to the world's wildest roller coaster.
Please keep your arms, legs, and lunch inside the car.
%
It's claimed that June 21 is the longest day of the year.
No so! It's the day we go to my in-laws for a picnic.
%
I was going to go on a tropical cruise.
That is, until I learned they didn't offer free shipping.
%
They say gardening is a medicine. Possible side effects include:
Upset stomach, empty wallet, high blood pressure, frustration.
%
Nothing succeeds like excess.
%
You always find something in the last place you look.
%
All pluses have their minuses.
%
Unlimited warranties are usually neither.
%
Never tell them what you wouldn't do.
%
Most people deserve each other.
%
If something is confidential, it will be left in the copier machine.
%
Last but not least, avoid cliches like the plague.
%
There are those who don't even like to be rubbed the right way.
%
If sense is so common, how come we don't see more of it around?
%
You get the most of what you need the least.
%
Careful planning has no affect on either Part 1 or Part 2.
%
Virtue is its own punishment.
%
Its important to use apostrophe's correctly.
%
Never use a preposition to end a sentence with.
%
Things will get worse before they get better.
Huh? Who said things would get better?
%
The higher up the organization,
the fewer people appreciate Murphy's Law.
%
When opportunity knocks, you'll have headphones on.
%
If everything seems to be going well,
you have obviously overlooked something.
%
If you put off a task long enough,
the chances are someone else will do it for you.
%
In an underdeveloped country, don't drink the water.
In a developed country, don't breathe the air.
%
My uncle died from extreme asbestos exposure.
It took 3 days to cremate him.
%
My brother-in-law has never been self-conscious.
First he would have to be conscious.
%
Some forms of inventive genius can be directly attributed to laziness.
%
Cafe sign: We serve breakfast anytime.
Translation: When you get it has nothing to do with when you order it.
%
My recommendation for that cafe?
Avoid ordering anything with a vowel in it.
%
It is said that laughter is the best medicine.
Maybe I should see comedians instead of doctors?
%
This morning my digital bathroom scale said,
Please, only one person at a time.
%
The best laid plans of mice and men are held up in the legal department.
%
You can't push on a rope.
%
If there are only two people in a locker room,
they will have adjacent lockers.
%
One child is not enough, but two children are far too many.
%
The first requisite of intelligent tinkering is to save all the pieces.
%
If there isn't a law there will be.
%
All trails have more uphill sections than they have level or downhill sections.
%
Anything can be made to work if you fiddle with it long enough.
%
Everybody wants to build and nobody wants to do maintenance.
%
Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
%
When taking something apart to fix a minor malfunction,
you will cause a major malfunction.
%
For every credibility gap there is a gullibility gap.
%
The totality of the intelligence on the planet is a constant.
And the population is growing.
%
Trust everybody, but cut the cards.
%
Professional politicians are predictable, but the world is full of amateurs.
%
The faster the airplane, the narrower the seats.
%
When you can't discover the cause of a breakdown,
all of the free advice you get will be for things you've already checked.
%
No matter how early you arrive, someone else is in line first.
%
If you don't care where you are, you ain't lost.
%
Of two possible events, only the undesired one will occur.
%
If an item is advertised as under $50, you can bet it's not $19.95.
%
Among economists, the real world is often a special case.
%
Nature always sides with the hidden flaw.
%
One man's red tape is another man's system.
%
In any group of eagles, you will find some turkeys.
%
If you wish to be left alone,
walk around with a pen and a clipboard.
%
Almost everything in life is easier to get into than out of.
%
Chaos always wins, because it's better organized.
%
If you're coasting, you're going downhill.
%
Asking dumb questions is easier than correcting dumb mistakes.
%
The rookie checker is always at the quick-check-out lane.
%
Never leave hold of what you've got until you've got hold of something else.
%
The hidden flaw never remains hidden.
%
Good judgment comes from experience.
And experience? Well, that comes from poor judgment.
%
The trouble with resisting temptation is it may never come your way again.
%
These pills can't be habit-forming;
I've been taking them for years.
%
Nothing is as inevitable as a mistake whose time has come.
%
For every vision there is an equal and opposite revision.
%
Mediocrity imitates.
%
Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
%
The length of a marriage is inversely proportional to the expense of the wedding.
%
Nothing matters very much, and few things matter at all.
%
Assumption is the mother of all foul-ups.
%
Measure with a micrometer. Mark with chalk. Cut with an axe.
%
Toothaches tend to start on Saturday night.
%
Everything tastes more or less like chicken.
%
The first 90 percent of the task takes 90 percent of the time.
The last 10 percent takes the other 90 percent.
%
If two wrongs don't make a right, try three.
%
Super-competence is more objectionable than incompetence.
%
If a string has one end, it has another.
%
You never find anything until you replace it.
%
Historical fancy is more persistent than historical fact.
%
Murphy's Law never fails except when you try to demonstrate it.
%
Hockey is a game played by six good players and the home team.
%
Nothing is as temporary as that which is called permanent.
Corollary: Nothing is as permanent as that which is called temporary.
%
Possessions increase to fill the space available for their storage.
%
Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing.
%
Verbs has to agree with their subject.
%
Admiration: Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves.
%
The damage rarely exceeds the deductible.
%
The label NEW and/or IMPROVED means the price went up.
%
Every solution breeds new problems.
%
There are no <i>simple instructions</i> that cannot be misunderstood.
%
When drinks are served on an aircraft,
the aircraft will encounter turbulence.
%
The longer the title, the less important the job.
%
A parade should have bands OR horses, not both.
%
Men cannot see dirt until there is enough of it to support agriculture.
%
You never want the one you can afford.
-- Tim's Law of Economics
%
The other line moves faster.
%
At any point in time, there are more horse's asses in the world than horses.
%
A committee of three gets things done if two don't show up.
%
You never run out of things that can go wrong.
%
The sun always shines <i>between</i> the visors.
%
I've always had a problem with chess.
All my pieces want to end the game as soon as possible.
%
Me, Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Dr., Sure! Knock yourself out.
%
Old age is like learning a new profession.
And it's not one of your own choosing.
%
When I was born the wonder drug was Mercurochrome.
%
Camping is nature's way of promoting the motel business.
%
My doctor has a list of donor hearts, livers, and kidneys.
He is so organized.
%
I dream of being a billionaire like my dad.
Yeah, he wants to be a billionaire, too.
%
Funeral Director: Someone who puts the "fun" in funeral.
%
I'm not getting any younger, but my doctors sure are!
%
There is no traffic until you need to make a left turn.
%
Stockholders seeking a safe haven are buying bonds.
For the same reason, bondholders are buying stocks
%
Bad cafe. If you're breaking bread with friends,
you shouldn't need to use the edge of the table.
%
Prince Charles waited decades to sit on the throne.
Wow! I could never hold it <i>that</i> long.
%
Highways in the worst need of repair have low traffic counts.
Ergo, they result in low priority for repair work.
%
Artificial Intelligence is making great progress.
The same cannot be said about regular intelligence.
%
I struggle with self-doubt.
Or, maybe not.
%
I was going to buy a 10 gallon hat.
But, they cost $15 a gallon.
%
A diagnostic test of my smart car reveals it's an emotional wreck.
%
A new study reveals public profanity is down.
It seems to be connected to fewer people playing golf.
%
My company says it values its employees.
My paycheck says otherwise.
%
I was planning on leaving well enough alone.
But I was told my performance was not yet up to well enough.
%
Supposedly I'm a work in progress.
We're still waiting for any signs of work.
%
I used an app to identify the On Hold music used by my cable company.
It's called Ballad Of A Schmuck by the Time-wasters.
%
Due to my age, I often pull a muscle while napping.
%
I'm really not a Scrabble player.
I just can't put it into words.
%
You are more likely to catch swine flu from
a police officer than from an actual pig.
%
I can't do Life In The Fast Lane.
I'm more of an off-road vehicle.
%
My congressman claims he's guided by family values.
Probably Chicago Crime families...
%
Until proven otherwise, every day is your last day alive.
%
America's founding fathers had British accents.
%
Smart people can enjoy dumb entertainment,
but dumb people can't enjoy smart entertainment.
%
Paranoid schizophrenics outnumber their enemies at least two to one.
%
Never argue with a woman holding a torque wrench.
%
Looking back, there were times when I thought I'd never last <i>this</i> long.
And then there are times I think it will never end.
%
If it wasn't for muscle memory, I would have no memory at all.
%
My muscle memory seems to have a case of amnesia.
%
<u>Everybody</u> was in the express lane at the grocery.
Well, sure. Who can afford more than 12 items these days?
%
My sister just completed a a home improvement project.
She threw the bum out and changed all the locks.
%
Got a spam from the Texas Council of Hairs Stylists.
It began, Howdy-Do ... .
%
My doctor says my cholesterol is too high and my blood pressure is too low.
The same can be said about his bill and my checking account.
%
There are two types of people in this world...
those that generalize, and those that don't.
%
I found a magic lamp and was successful in rubbing it.
Now he's suing me for inappropriate behavior.
%
I took my old computer in to The Geek Squad.
They opined a better choice is taking it to The Antiques Roadshow.
%
Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband
hearing about his wife's plans for the second time.
%
The rate at which a disease spreads through a corn field
is a precise measurement of the speed of blight.
%
Wow! Martha Stewart has appeared on the cover of Sports Illustrated.
Shocking! I did not know Sports Illustrated was still around.
%
<b>Moody</b> (Adj.), The clinical condition of bipolar cows.
%
My fitness watch counts my steps, calories, heart bests, reps and excuses.
%
My boss believes all workers should be well paid.
But, just not while working for him.
%
I was trying to get in touch with my inner child.
But, it seems he won't talk to strangers.
%
I always hated multiple-choice tests.
They always favored the house.
%
I got to be a only child for 2 years;
something my sister never got to experience.
%
My super power seems to be invisibility to women under fifty.
%
Being a grandparent comes with great responsibility.
You need to get them into mischief they wouldn't have thought of on their own.
%
My early morning grooming is simple.
If my phone recognizes me, I'm good to go.
%
My brother-in-law is so boring. When he enters a room,
you can cut the apathy with a butter knife.
%
It's a sure sign that I'm getting old.
These days it takes me a lot longer to do nothing.
%
Sigh!!! I think my Check Knee light just went on.
%
The new couple at church is disruptive during the service.
It's a toss up between her singing and his snoring.
%
At my age, my Get-Up-And-Go has gotten up and gone.
But, I enjoy remembering all the places my Get-Up has been.
%
My neighbors held a meeting to discuss front yard eyesores.
I wonder why I was not invited.
%
A peanut butter cookie a day takes the sadness away.
Eating the entire jar brings the sadness back.
%
One of my doctor's tests is to ask me if I know what day it is.
I'm never sure, but I think it ends in day.
%
My husband thinks we should have separate beds.
Yeah, well... Then I found him in our neighbor's!
%
It looks like my medical history has entered The War Years.
%
My wife asked me if I took the last cookie.
In the house - the city - the state? She needs to be more specific.
%
I bought a custom-made voodoo doll of myself.
It comes in real handy to give myself a back rub.
%
I'm pretty sure omnipotent entities don't need
middlemen to get their message to the people.
%
If you always tell the truth,
you don't have to remember the fiction.
%
How many lawyers does it take to grease a combine?
One, if you feed him in real slow.
%
My mom would say, There's no such thing as a stupid question.
However, asking my wife, What's your problem? isn't the smartest one.
%
The planet's population is over 8 billion, and no one likes me.
As the population continues to rise, I'm getting more unpopular everyday.
%
I was the man of her dreams,
until my snoring interrupted her sleep patterns.
%
If I would learn from my mistakes, I'd be a genius.
%
To spot the expert, pick the one who predicts
the job will take the longest and cost the most.
%
A university faculty is 500 egotists with a common parking problem.
%
My brother-in-law claims he doesn't need "a stupid navigation app."
The guy couldn't track an elephant with stomach flu in a foot of snow.
%
I quit playing golf a long time ago.
But I play it every 2 weeks to confirm I still hate it.
%
No one gets sick on Wednesdays.
%
Zugzwang is a chess term where one must make a move when he would rather not.
It is also a divorce term...
%
I read my wife's horoscope every day.
I want to see what kind of day I'll have.
%
It's now been the 9th time in a row that my date has stood me up.
I'm beginning to detect a pattern.
%
I've been trying to focus on dieting.
A waist is a terrible thing to mind.
%
If all else fails, immortality can always be assured by spectacular error.
%
People without glasses are unfairly out there seeing for free.
%
There aren't enough therapists in the world for the number of people needing therapy.
%
If Mars had oil, we'd probably be there by now.
%
My girlfriend might be cheating on me.
On our last date she brought a plus-one.
%
I'm working on a pest-resistant tomato.
There's still a few bugs to work out.
%
I was going to buy a WHIP INFLATION NOW button.
But the price had gone up too much.
%
Don't feel like doing anything, but I'll go look for a job.
It's the age-old battle between lethargy and futility.
%
Nothing in the universe can withstand
the relentless application of brute force and ignorance.
%
Whenever I think I'll finally make ends meet, somebody moves the ends.
%
A new popularity ranking came out on congress.
Our representative trails the names written in as a joke.
%
Trial and Error:
Finding new and creative ways to screw something up.
%
It's time to find a new therapist.
Mine snickers and says, You're kidding, right?
%
When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.
%
I often watch the History Channel ...
to see if I'm in it.
%
It seems my driver's license expired while I was looking for a parking spot.
%
If there had been social media when I was a kid,
I'd have done some real stupid things, too.
%
sigh... Once again I stand corrected.
As much as I do that, you'd think I'd have better posture.
%
My brother-in-law was on the losing side of the digital revolution.
%
Recently went to my 40th high school reunion.
A bunch of old people crashed the party.
%
Lots of my thoughts and ideas aren't so good once I put them to sound.
%
I was getting constant texts on my cellphone from Betty Lowe.
My grandson informed me that was BATTERY LOW!
%
Of course my wife trusts me.
The ankle monitor is just her idea of a joke.
%
Seems my credit card is good.
It's my fashion sense that's expired.
%
You hate to lose the game <i>and</i> your teeth, too.
%
Every day four million Americans play tennis and two million of them lose.
%
When you are 6 years old, nothing is any of your business.
%
You will eventually stop lying about your age.
You'll start bragging about it.
%
I'm 34 years old; I thought I'd be divorced by now.
%
There's one advantage to being 102, there's no peer pressure.
%
A lady went missing from the assisted living center.
They put her picture on prune juice bottles.
%
Eighty is a wonderful age… especially if you're ninety.
%
Boys will be boys, and so will a lot of middle-aged men.
%
Middle age: When you begin to exchange your emotions for symptoms.
%
When a man's best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem.
%
I'm too young for Medicare and too old for women to care.
%
I don't think my parents liked me.
They put a live teddy bear in my crib.
%
Most people my age are dead at the present time.
%
I'm 32 years old, but I read at a 40-year-old level.
%
If I knew I was going to live this long,
I'd have taken better care of myself.
%
Oh, to be seventy again.
%
There is still no cure for the common birthday.
%
When you are about 35 years old,
something terrible always happens to music.
%
I'm so old that my dreams are in black and white.
%
I don't need <i>you</i> to remind me of my age.
I have a bladder to do that for me.
%
If you make wine out of raisins, you won't have to wait for it to age.
%
Do not worry about avoiding temptation.
As you grow older it will avoid you.
%
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn't used to be?
%
I don't know why my elderly neighbor bothers subscribing to newspapers.
He just lets them pile up outside his house.
%
I am so old that we had no history classes when I went to school.
%
She said she was approaching 40.
I wonder from which direction.
%
The older you get, the faster you ran as a kid.
%
Middle age is when you still believe you'll feel better in the morning.
%
I wouldn't be caught dead dating a woman old enough to become my wife.
%
The hands on my biological clock are giving me the finger.
%
My biological clock came with Roman Numerals.
%
I ask myself questions in stores that I don't ask anywhere else.
Like, Will I live long enough to use all those paper towels?
%
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
%
Sure, it's a tattoo of barbed wire when you're 18.
But by the time you're 80, it's a picket fence.
%
Adolescence is the best substitute ever invented for experience.
%
I'm so old my bank sends me a 6-month calendar.
%
Once I got my head together, my body started falling apart.
%
Youth have aspirations that never come to pass.
The old have remembrances of what never happened.
%
If you want to know what you'll look like in ten years,
look in the mirror after you've run a marathon.
%
There comes a time when a man sheds his hair, his teeth, and his illusions.
%
The secret of eternal youth is arrested development.
%
The older you get, the better you realize you were.
%
I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.
%
I can do some things now that I couldn't do when I was 17
Like, date high school girls.
%
After 60, it's just patch, patch, patch.
%
Kids ... I like kids, but I couldn't eat a whole one.
%
Don't drink too much -- then again, don't drink too little.
%
We grow too soon old and too late smart.
%
I was always taught to respect my elders.
I'm now at the age where I don't have anybody to respect.
%
My friend just got a trophy wife.
He must not have finished in first place.
%
She was displaying all the red flags.
Unfortunately, I am colorblind.
%
The tax assessor gave me the runaround.
She thought I needed the exercise.
%
As a kid, I had a hard time learning to ride a bike.
I had rider's block.
%
My mom's tests have come back -- and it's bad news.
She'll never comprehend how to use a cellphone.
%
If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all.
Somehow that makes mimes seem even more creepy.
%
Reading the news on my tablet is different.
For one thing, I never dropped the newspaper in the toilet.
%
We agreed she'd stop nagging if I would pay attention when she talks.
I think we were a little too ambitious when we made that deal.
%
We have a religious-themed bank that serves all denominations.
Ones, fives, tens, twenties, &amp; hundreds
%
Today is an anniversary, but I can't remember...
Is it the 4th with my 5th husband, or the 5th with my 4th husband?
%
Winning isn't everything.
True! You need to beat the point spread.
%
I'm gonna lose a few pounds. It'll be a piece of cake!
I guess that was a poor choice of words.
%
Turns out the Tin Man didn't need a heart after all.
He went into upper corporate management.
%
I have a chronic sore throat.
It's caused by constantly swallowing my pride.
%
I just finished a paint-by-numbers picture.
It's a good thing I'm not an accountant.
%
I could swear I heard that ATM snicker.
%
Nine times out ten, when I lose something...
it's because I put it where it belongs.
%
You can't run away from life, but you can let it pass you by.
%
My uncle is so rich his account balance is bigger than his account number.
%
First we agreed to disagree; then we disagreed to agree.
In the end we forgot what our disagreement was about.
%
The library called to say the book Procrastination was ready for me.
I'll go in and check it out sometime later this week.
%
I bought a new garden hose.
It was easier than untangling the old one.
%
My love life is like the moon. It's cratered.
%
I couldn't get a ride home.
So I ordered a pizza to go and rode home with it.
%
I was asked if I had it to do all over again, would I do anything differently.
I dunno! I can't remember much about what I did the first time!
%
I was advised to see a doctor about that ugly thing on my back.
Turns out it was a long-forgotten tattoo.
%
My teen-aged son is taking Advanced Spanish.
Great! Another way to make him harder to understand.
%
I'll probably never have greatness thrust upon me.
But couldn't a little mediocrity be nudged my way?
%
Our corporate AI has evolved beyond self-awareness to self-loathing.
%
I think my best years are ahead of me.
Of course, that's a pretty low bar.
%
Starting vacation tomorrow and my phone is already in airplane mode.
Not giving my boss a chance to screw that up.
%
I could make a good motivational speaker.
After all, I convince myself to get out of bed each morning.
%
I'm an ardent people pleaser -- beginning with me.
%
I think I'm ready to wrap up this life.
In today's mail I got a half off coupon for coffins.
%
Even as I was calling you, I forgot why.
Not only that, but who is this?
%
Well, I suppose everybody is different in their own weigh.
%
In high school I tried out for the Cross Country Team.
Seems I was more suited for the Around-the-Block Team.
%
My son doesn't think of homework as learning &amp; education.
He thinks of it more as content creation.
%
The doctors were concerned about what they saw in my X-ray.
It was my wallet, and it was inadequate for the treatments.
%
The newspaper didn't come &amp; now it's an emergency.
I have to use the bathroom.
%
Great timing! Toothache!
I have a hole my tooth &amp; a hole in my bank account.
%
One day I'll look back on all this,
and regret that I looked back on all this.
%
Don't be paranoid. The government isn't out to get you.
The government is out to get <u>everyone</u>.
%
I have lots of ideas -- some good, some bad.
Problem is I act on the bad ones -- thinking they're good.
%
I need to awaken my inner child.
I'm hoping he remembers my phone's password.
%
We've lost 13 games in a row.
We find new ways to lose that we never knew existed.
%
UNATTENDED CHILDREN WILL BE GIVEN
AN ESPRESSO AND A FREE PUPPY.
%
SO I CAN TYPE ANYTHING IN HERE AND
IT COMES UP ON THE SIGNS ON I-35?
%
HAPPINESS CAN'T BE QUANTIFIED,
AND TIME IS FLUID.
-- a sign in a local bar with no Happy Hour.
%
MAJOR ROADWORK AHEAD
EXPECT DELAYS UNTIL 2036
%
BIRTHDAY CARD FOR SALE
WOULD SUIT SOMEONE CALLED KEN
%
MATH TUTOR AVAILABLE&nbsp; 25/7
%
It is said there are some people too good for this world.
But Larry wasn't one of them.
%
Obituary:
Some said he was unwise to criticize President Putin
%
I am a team player.
In fact, I'm probably the single best team player around.
%
And another thing you don't want to hear your doctor say:
"Wow!! This'll make a <u>great</u> journal article!"
%
Name a business like show business.
%
A bad name for a restaurant:
SAM &amp; ELLA'S
%
I collect a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn't answered my phone since 2010.
%
Until <b>WHAT</b> do us part?!?!
%
My doctor said I'd live longer if I gave up all the things I live for.
%
Our tickets to the game did seem very cheap.
The seats were so far out, they were in the next ZIP code.
%
I made a list of the worst things about growing older.
But I can't remember what I did with it.
%
Our anniversary is tomorrow.
I wonder what Amazon charges for overnight shipping?
%
When it's a major decision, they say, Sleep on it.
Like a major decision and sleep go hand in hand.
%
Alcohol! Because no good story starts with a salad.
%
I just met my son's new 2nd Grade teacher.
She brings a whole new meaning to the expression learning curves.
%
I put up an OPEN HOUSE sign on the front lawn.
I'm not selling the house. I'm just lonely.
%
Inflation is up, stocks are down, the home team lost, and a storm is forecast.
What can I do, but change the channel?
%
My mother-in-law is very intrusive.
I need to install a meddle detector.
%
My trainer doesn't think I'm flexible enough.
Hell, I can watch Bay Watch as easily as Charlie's Angels'.
%
I have a great thirst for knowledge.
Fortunately I live in a city with numerous craft breweries.
%
It was a very, very <i>discount</i> airline.
My seat-mates and I had to share one oxygen mask.
%
Our problem neighbor is moving, and will "live in a better neighborhood."
So will we, but we're not moving.
%
The sandwich meat package said one slice was a serving size.
I believe that to be baloney.
%
Fried fish, fried chicken, fried shrimp, fried eggs, french fries, fry bread...
My favorite diner has a Frequent Fryer program.
%
I finally got around to cleaning my cellphone.
Turns out that was <u>not</u> a brown leather case. It was dried peanut butter.
%
When you've lived as long as I have, you pretty much know it all.
Unfortunately, I don't have the good sense to keep it to myself.
%
Lost my job as a shepherd.
I kept thinking outside the flocks.
%
Saw a new product in the grocery today.
Vegetables made from meat!
%
I think I'm experiencing a mid-crisis life.
%
When you tell some people, There's no such thing as a stupid question,
they take it as a challenge.
%
I was told I look 10 years younger after my haircut.
But, who wants to look 69?
%
The clinic felt I should've come in a lot sooner -- as defined by evolution.
%
I informed my students to, ... write your name on the test paper.
Of course, several were returned in with <span style=font-family: 'Comic Sans MS';>your name</span> on them.
%
My doctor is a very, very good doctor.
If there is nothing wrong with you, he will <i>find</i> something wrong with you.
%
I thought opportunity was about to knock.
Alas, it was just a porch pirate.
%
As I've grown older, things seemed less frantic.
But, maybe it's due to my lack of stamina.
%
Years ago I had a lot of wow wow in my life.
Now it's just the sound of the ambulance arriving at my house.
%
There's one thing I've noticed as I'm getting older.
Many more sentences begin with, I remember when....
%
I live in a really crummy neighborhood.
Even Gmail won't deliver there.
%
Young people these days says say folks like me don't hear half the time.
My response is that they don't listen half the time.
%
If I forget something, but remember there's something I've forgotten --
does it really qualify as Forgetting?
%
I'm considering early retirement.
Like, maybe, 3 O'clock this afternoon.
%
Aging is all very relative.
When I went from 13 to 17, mom aged 20 years.
%
It was hard to chose a gym to sign up for.
I finally found one with a great snack and smoothie bar.
%
I brought pizza, hot-dogs and chips to our baseball game.
I dunno who is bringing the stuff for the second inning.
%
I had a colonoscopy yesterday.
It wasn't the most fun I ever had, but it was <b><i>way</i></b> up there.
%
I know the year, but I don't do math anymore.
For the past 10 years I've been ballparking my age.
%
I'm told bacon is bad for cholesterol.
So, how do pigs avoid heart attacks?
%
I've been dieting quite religiously ... for 2 hours each Sunday.
%
I learned a few things today, but forgot what I learned yesterday.
I'm just about breaking even.
%
Do you know what I like about my job?
No? Well, I couldn't think of anything either.
%
I had to give up golf.
I had a terrible handicap: honesty.
%
I used to live paycheck to paycheck.
Now I live paycheck to 4 days before the next paycheck.
%
In my high school yearbook I was voted Least Likely To Succeed.
Boy, they really nailed it!
%
As I've aged, I've toned down my activities.
I'm now in a Fantasy Pickleball League.
%
I came across a possum in the road.
Wasn't playing dead. Was playing flat.
%
Obesity doesn't run in my family.
<u>Nobody</u> runs in my family.
%
I have a method for calming my wife when she's upset.
It is not at all effective.
%
Ya know that internal compass people have for North, South, etc.?
Well I have an internal snow globe.
%
I've reached the age where I require an extra-large pill organizer.
%
I received a letter asking for a political donation.
I'll be sending them my thoughts and prayers.
%
Judging by my belt,
what used to go around, no longer comes around.
%
So far the company's Time Management Seminar has been postponed 4 times.
%
They had to leave early to relieve the babysitter.
But, wait! They don't have any children!
%
I started out with nothing, I've saved nothing, &amp; I'll die with nothing.
What could be fairer than that?
%
CASE: The collective noun for a group of detectives.
%
I put some Get-Well bouquets on my office desk.
I'm hoping someone will feel sorry and do my work for me.
%
First I watch MSNBC covering a story.
Then I watch Fox News for the same story.
It is proof of parallel universes.
%
What we need:
All-You<b>-Should-</b>Eat restaurants.
%
We been having very hot weather lately.
The TV weather guy stopped wearing his hair piece.
%
Opportunity knocked at my door.
But just to ask directions.
%
It was just a crank call, Dad!
It was someone claiming to be my principal!
%
I know... Money can't buy happiness.
I'd settle for just leasing it now &amp; then.
%
You realize you're old when you've been sitting quietly at your PC, only to realize it froze up a half-hour ago.
%
I had my genealogy researched.
They found an ancestor on the wall of a French cave.
%
I look ten years younger without my glasses.
That proves I need to wear glasses.
%
My last dental visit was painful! Ouch!
It was the Easy Listening soft rock music.
%
I asked the loan officer what was the length of my new loan.
She said, Let's synchronize our watches.
%
Their banging of the trash cans I can endure.
It's the yelling of Finders-Keepers! that is annoying.
%
My mom keeps asking what channel Netflix is on.
%
Some people actually <u>need</u> the seat belt demonstration.
%
My digital clock is an antique.
It flashes Roman Numerals.
%
My last DVD movie was a real tear-jerker.
It was bundled with a box of tissues.
%
Violence is almost never the answer.
But it <u>is</u> an 8-letter crossword answer for savagery.
%
I am a man of my word.
And that word is unreliable.
%
I had a very fat friend in grade school.
It was not a see-saw. It was a catapult.
%
People living in glass houses
... may as well answer the door.
%
It's a small world...
But I wouldn't want to paint it.
%
I wonder what the word dots looks like in braille.
%
The robe is a lazy man's tuxedo.
%
The store didn't have any candle holders.
So I bought a cake.
%
I went to a mind reader.
She charged me half price.
%
Congress is composed of the finest people that money can buy.
%
I spilled spot remover on my dog.
Now I can't see him anywhere.
%
Please don't come to my garage sale if you've ever let me borrow something.
%
I have a new theory on friction,
but it doesn't seem to be gaining traction.
%
I quit my job working at Nike.
I just <i>couldn't</i> do it anymore.
%
Anyone want to buy some exercise equipment?
I'm having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
%
I once worked in a used record store,
I told each customer, All sales are vinyl.
%
A vegan commented, "People who sell meat are gross!"
I replied, "People who sell vegetables are grocer."
%
My sunglasses are prescription.
If they're stolen, it becomes two people who can't see.
%
Interesting fact: a shark will only attack you if you're wet.
%
I almost broke my arms trying to hold open a revolving door for a lady.
%
I was playing chess with my friend.
He said, Let's make this interesting. So we stopped playing chess.
%
What does the word contemplate mean?
Well, think about it.
%
How many college students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Just one, but he waits until the last minute to cram it in.
%
A husband texts his wife on a frosty winter morning: Window's frozen!
His wife texts back: Pour lukewarm water over it.
Five minutes later he replies: Computer completely messed up now.
%
I spent the weekend at a very upscale hotel.
The towels were so thick that I could hardly close my suitcase.
%
My wife's clinic called my home number to tell me that
they couldn't accept 911 as her emergency contact.
%
My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my advantage.
I take that as a compliment.
%
I was at the customer-service desk, returning a pair of jeans that was too tight.
The clerk asked, What was wrong with them? I said, They hurt my feelings.
%
Like most people my age, I'm 32.
%
When my boyfriend plays fantasy football, I play fantasy new boyfriend.
%
I miss my old car.
We would always play this fun game where the engine light would come on,
and then I would just call its bluff.
%
Another term for camping should be arguing outside.
%
There are two kinds of folks in the world.
People who say, "Why aren't you dancing? C'mon, dance!"
and people I like.
%
I want my gravestone to read,
She died as she lived: pretending she knew how to swim.
%
My life is a mess.
Someone stole my identity and it's now ruined <i>their</i> life.
%
A number of my friends all wear Canada Goose jackets,
We all have to walk in a V-formation.
%
I really love the book <i>The Picture of Dorian Gray.</i>
Wow! Never gets old.
%
I went to Louis Tussaud's wax museum.
Those were the ugliest candles I have ever seen.
%
We interrupt this commercial panoply for a brief snippet of the evening news.
%
Met with my life coach yesterday.
He had one thing to say. Game over!
%
My doctor had some good news for me.
I'm now $100,000 healthier.
%
There's a little good in everyone.
Although, in some people it's a secret ingredient.
%
Co-workers are folks with whom you share a number of poor career choices.
%
I tried Frisbee golf yesterday.
Yep. Same cuss words as regular golf.
%
When I was a kid there were free toys in cereal boxes.
Just one more reason why my generation is so spoiled.
%
It doesn't matter how many times you press it.
The crosswalk button is just a placebo.
%
Husband, "For thirty years all you've done is correct me!"
Wife, "Thirty-one."
%
I'm getting more exercise now that I am older.
I live in a 2-story house and I'm getting more &amp; more forgetful.
%
I was going to go for a bike ride, but the seat is uncomfortable and the frame is wobbly.
Additionally, the <i>bicycle</i> has a flat tire.
%
I can't milk a cow for the life of me.
I'm an udder failure.
%
Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.
Corollary: Following the rules will not get the job done.
%
How do you want your dinner? Inexpensive? Delicious? Quickly?
Pick any two.
%
Posterity. I sometimes wonder how people will talk about me when I'm gone.
But, then, they don't much talk about me when I'm here.
%
I was observing a young lady texting the other day.
I can remember when all thumbs was an insult.
%
I would've done anything to keep that job.
At one point I even considered showing up for work.
%
You can no longer call me strange when I hit the big lotto ticket.
Because rich weirdos are called eccentrics.
%
Yelling UNSUBSCRIBE while my sister-in-law was telling that boring story was probably impolite.
%
What's the difference between a pickpocket and a drug company CEO?
The pickpocket doesn't play golf with a congressman.
%
My wife's intuition is highly developed.
She often knows I'm wrong before I speak.
%
Mountain Dew and Sierra Mist taste very different.
Strange, considering they are named after the same thing.
%
The airline mixed up my suitcase with someone else.
But, I like these clothes much better than mine!
%
Elevators must be quite confusing to dogs.
%
A thief attended the theater last night.
He stole the show.
%
The medical/industrial complex doesn't want you to leave your body to science.
Just your wallet.
%
The bottle said take one pill daily -- until a new study comes out.
%
New studies show strenuous exercise can delay the onset of old age for years.
Now they tell me!
%
Congress is so dysfunctional it couldn't pass a kidney stone.
%
I learned 2 things during my four-year hitch in the Air Force.
One - The government spends money wisely.&nbsp; 2 - Sarcasm.
%
I'm not ignoring you.
I'm just responding with constructive selectivity.
%
Your first teeth are call Baby Teeth.
Your last teeth are called Dentures.
%
She tasted it and said, This is the worst casserole I've ever made.
Trying to be helpful, I said, No, it isn't. Not by a long shot.
%
I was gonna have the Chef's Surprise.
But the busboy has a big mouth.
%
Tacos are the only food you have to eat sideways.
%
I guess the economy has gotten pretty bad.
Some of the large corporations have had to lay off members of congress.
%
I can't think of any boat puns.
Canoe?
%
A colorblind friend insists all apples are yellow.
I told him that was bananas.
%
My new hearing aids are amazing!
I did not know you could hear yourself when talking to yourself.
%
I don't really multitask.
I just take twice as long to mess up two things at once.
%
Someone stole most of the church's raffle tickets.
Whoever they are, they took some big chances.
%
If we win this next softball game, we get a bye.
If we lose, we get a bye-bye.
%
The upcoming presidential debates were called off due to multiple gag orders.
%
My dog is getting along in years.
He now only plays fetch with a pickleball.
%
How do I order a medium-sized cardboard box from Amazon?
%
Our manager sent out a survey on department morale.
I did not reply. I know entrapment when I see it.
%
I decided to join Chocoholics Anonymous.
Easy enough. Send in $5.00 and twenty Hershey Bar wrappers.
%
I remember the Tooth Fairy as a young child.
Now I need a toenail fairy.
%
My team keeps losing.
But, I guess there no crying in fantasy baseball, either.
%
Any room is a panic room if you've lost your phone in it.
%
Talking to a staunch conservative is like trying to explain social media to a 70 years old.
%
Today I found a 3-leaf clover!
I know it's not a 4-leaf clover, but it's the <u>next</u> best thing.
%
I provide security at a Samsung Store.
Yep. I'm a Guardian Of The Galaxy.
%
If climate change affected our WiFi, we would've solved it by now.
%
Why aren't iPhone chargers called Apple Juice?!
%
If it truly was a smart TV, it wouldn't let me select most of the cable company's channels.
%
Life is better now that I let AI create my late-to-work excuses.
%
A bar mate went missing last week.
The police are putting his picture on beer cans.
%
I get some of my best ideas 10 seconds after posting my message.
%
I'm sorry I didn't answer my phone when you called.
I don't use it for that.
%
Frankly AutoCorrect, I'm getting tired of your shirt.
%
It's good to hang out with folks that make me forget to look at my phone.
%
My X-ray showed I had a broken rib.
But they fixed it with Photoshop.
%
Not sure if this email is encrypted or their spelling was atrocious.
%
Loading the dishwasher is adult Tetris.
%
I don't have bad hand writing.
I just have my own font.
%
My wife signed me up for internet addiction rehab.
I'm only going if they have WiFi.
%
If no one remembers my birthday, why is it a weak password?
%
The biggest upgrade in my school years was colored chalk.
%
If I'm ever on life support, unplug me ...
Then plug me back in. See if that works...
%
So it turns out being an adult is mostly googling how to do stuff.
%
A clean house is the sign of a busted WiFi.
%
We've been married through 5 iPhone generations.
%
I hate audio correct.
%
My anxiety attacks may be caused by obsessively consulting WebMD.
%
I feel like I need to be unplugged for 5 minutes, &amp; then plugged back in.
%
In case of fire, exit the building ... before tweeting about it.
%
Sometimes my brain has too many tabs open.
%
My wife is truly mean.
She set the WiFi password to be our wedding anniversary date.
%
Life was much easier back when Apple and Blackberry were just fruits.
%
People who smile while they are alone used to be called insane.
Then we invented smartphones and social media.
%
I won't be impressed with technology until I can download food.
%
The guy who invented predictive text died last night.
His funfair is next monkey.
%
I'm getting serious about starting a diet.
So far I've erased food searches from my browser history.
%
One time I lied and told my dad school  was canceled.
He said, Let's go see  a movie.
We got in the car, and he dropped me off at school.
%
I have a stepladder, because my real ladder left when I was 6.
%
I've kept a journal of my daily activities for the last month.
Wow!! That's a <b>LOT</b> of pizza.
%
When I left the washroom, I did not put down the seat.
But, I did compliment it.
%
I was chatting with a lumberjack the other day.
He seemed like a decent feller.
%
I have a blazer I wear when hiking.
It's my Trail Blazer.
%
We have a tavern in town called <b>The Pale</b>.
Next door is a mortuary named <b>Beyond The Pale</b>.
%
I've decided to retire early.
Turns out you can do it if you're OK with being broke.
%
I have proof that the climate is all fouled up.
I washed my car yesterday, and it did not rain today.
%
I enjoy hugging trees.
It makes me feel rooted.
%
I am much better at Wordle than I am at remembering my passwords.
%
At my age I don't know if this is free time, or if I just forgot to do something.
%
My manners aren't that <b>bad.</b>
It's just that they aren't that <b>good.</b>
%
If this is your good mood, I don't want to see your bad mood.
Don't worry. You'll never see it coming.
%
My wife's hair went gray.
Mine just went away.
%
Sure I'm difficult. At least I'm not <u>boring!</u>
Just think; with a little more effort I could be <u>impossible!</u>
%
Sic Transit Gloria
Translation: Don't sit next to Gloria on the bus.
%
My online store cart with 800 items is like The Hotel California.
I can check out anytime, but I can never leave.
%
I still have a full head's worth of hair.
It's just scattered around me in places I can't show anyone.
%
Last month I transferred from one department to another.
This month my old department won a big lottery jackpot!
%
I'm not at all clear on the metric system.
Do cats in France have more, or less, than 9 lives?
%
That cinnamon roll accounted for a third of my daily recommended calories.
That means I can eat two more, right?
%
Cheer up.
No matter how many times you fail, there's always room for one more.
%
My fortune teller tells me that far into the future she sees no more war.
She also see no people there.
%
The bank added a Service Charge because I'm below a Minimum Balance.
If I can't maintain a Minimum Balance, why do they think I can pay a Service Charge?
%
My dog is a member of The K-9 Walk &amp; Roll Hall of Fame.
%
My mother-in-law had so much work done that she can no longer unlock her cellphone.
%
Relax. Worry is the down payment on a problem you may never have.
%
I dream of becoming a great artist like my dad.
He was no artist. We just share the same dream.
%
I've been online way too much lately.
My dreams consist of a stream of pop-ups.
%
Our school's baseball team loses a lot of games.
Maybe they're <i>some other</i> kind of team, and no one told'em.
%
My wife does the washing, drying, and folding.
My job is to do the wearing.
%
Once I enjoyed life in The Fast Lane.
Now I struggle to exist in the Rest Stop.
%
In your youth, you're judged by your SAT scores.
When you're older, it's by your credit scores.
%
I won the cornhole tournament at the senior center.
Does that make me the corniest ... or the holiest?
%
I'm seeing a psychiatrist for my multiple personalities.
I discovered he's billing each of us separately.
%
I get some of my best ideas in the shower.
Shouldn't office buildings have more showers than meeting rooms?
%
After a restful, peaceful sleep, I awoke with a jerk!
Yep. He was still in bed, too.
%
I dunno why they have wall-to-wall mirrors in the fitness center.
I already know what I look like. That's why I'm here!
%
I ask her if she would marry me.
She said she would, but she's not ordained.
%
Me take a yoga class??? That'd be a stretch!!
%
My partly remote job requires I go into the office 3 days a week.
I often forget which days those are.
%
The invite says the party starts at 9.
Considering my age, that must be 9 AM.
%
I've never claimed to be a cook or math whiz, but
even I know that 325 degrees for 1 hour is the same as 650 degrees for 30 minutes.
%
In my spare time I like to meditate.
It's better than sitting around doing nothing.
%
I have a coffee cup picturing The Three Stooges.
But I don't use it. The coffee always tastes funny.
%
What did I do to deserve this body?!
I mean ... besides constantly eating.
%
I entered my dachshund in a dog show.
There were no losers. Every one was a wiener!
%
I wish I had spent more time on social media.
Words that no dying person said ever.
%
People who say, Go big, or go home seriously underestimate my zeal to go home.
%
I ran into my old Statistics professor today.
What are the chances?
%
I see a new study shows apathy is on the rise.
So? Who cares?
%
sigh... I have cable TV with well over a 100 channels.
The only thing that ever grabs my attention are The Emergency Broadcast tests.
%
I really need some coffee to get my mind into gear.
My excuses for not cleaning the garage are not going to create themselves.
%
Over the years I've been able to evolve noise-canceling ears.
%
My Dr. tells me to take this new prescription for the rest of my life.
The bottle is a 30-day supply and marked, NO REFILLS!
%
The Etch a Sketch I tossed out in 1972 just showed up on Antiques Roadshow.
%
I'm nervous about my upcoming retirement.
All that saves our marriage is the 40 hours we're apart each week.
%
My dog chewed up the TV remote and now I can't watch the News.
Dunno whether to scold him or thank him.
%
People in TV laxative commercials hang glide, scuba dive and mountain bike.
That's not at all what happens when <i>I</i> take a laxative,
%
I would sign up for Adopt A Highway.
But, I can barely afford to drive on one.
%
It's been two years since I interviewed for that job.
I'm beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
%
I've reach the age &amp; weight, where I'm no longer intimate with my toenails.
%
For lunch I had beer, potato chips, and candy bars.
Giving up red meat is easier than I thought.
%
Be the kind of person your dog thinks you are.
%
Any compliments I receive always include air quotes.
%
The fish in Boston Harbor must've felt very energized after the Tea Party.
%
Old age and treachery will beat youth and eagerness every time.
%
I'm not sure about this relationship.
The only place he takes me is For Granted.
%
My wife is visiting her folks in Florida.
Technically, we're both on vacation.
%
The way I play golf the greens' flags should be at half-mast.
%
If it weren't for internet trolls,I wouldn't have <u>any</u> followers.
%
I've only lost <u>half</u> my mind.
The other half went off looking for it.
%
It's silly how we say "a bug hit my windshield", when going 70 MPH.
I'm sure the bug's family views it differently.
%
I went to a 3-and-a-half hour epic superhero movie.
Who was the loser? Me and my bladder.
%
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park implies they were always going to release the dinosaurs.
%
I can't wait until I'm financially able to support who I really am.
%
It's a Dry Clean Only sweater that's about to learn some harsh truths about living with me.
%
A friend is the Street Department's Manhole Inspector.
He's also the butt of many, many jokes.
%
Three months ago I ordered a book called How To Scam People.
It still hasn't arrived.
%
My car breaks down a lot, but it <u>is</u> obedient.
It goes where it's towed.
%
I lost the key for the car.
I had just one fob....
%
I asked my wife if she would still love me if she won the lottery.
She said, Of course! I'd miss you, but I'd still love you.
%
I just finished read The Spirit World And You.
I noticed it was ghostwritten.
%
Astronaut #1: Hey, I can't find any milk for my coffee.
Astronaut #2: In space, no one can. Here, use cream.
%
I have a top of the range coffee maker.
It has a lot of perks.
%
A yawn is just a silent scream for coffee.
%
A day without coffee is like ... I have no idea.
%
Before coffee I dislike everybody.
After coffee I feel good about disliking everybody.
%
I'm sorry about what I said before my coffee.
%
I don't have a problem with caffeine.
I have a problem without caffeine.
%
I just did a week's worth of cardio after walking into a spider web.
%
You know that control that keeps you from saying outrageous things?
Yeah. I don't have that.
%
The best thing about the good old days was I was neither good, nor old.
%
I detested facial hair, but eventually it grew on me.
%
I used to play the piano by ear.
But now I use my hands.
%
What's worse than raining cats and dogs? Hailing taxis!
%
In high school I put the stud in study hall.
%
Let's agree that I am right.
It'll save a lot of time.
%
I cannot believe how old people my age are!
%
Just be happy I'm not a twin.
%
A Just a minute is a totally arbitrary amount of time.
It depends on which side of the bathroom door you're on.
%
Saw a fella on the street corner with a cardboard sign, NEED LIQUIDITY
At least he was being honest about the booze.
%
Our hard-nosed boss just re-stocked the office vending machine.
It now only contains energy drinks loaded with caffeine.
%
A friend just opened a microbrewery and comedy club.
It's sure to be a real Brew, HA! HA!
%
My educator friend compares teaching to bowling.
You try to roll the ball down the middle and hope to touch most of the students.
%
My audiologist had some bad news for me.
It was hard to hear.
%
A three-legged dog walked into a bar.
"I'm looking for the man who shot my paw!"
%
I'm really having an issue with indigestion.
Even my antacids now give me heartburn.
%
I'm working on a book titled Procrastination And You.
So far I've read the title.
%
I'm now keeping a goldfish.
He's a rescue.
%
I'm not sure about my boyfriend's commitment in our relationship.
He paid for an amusement park ride through The Tunnel Of Getting Along.
%
My CFO job was getting grim.
Then the numbers started looking better once I started making them up.
%
I'm employing Mr. Potato Head as my emotional support vegetable.
%
I am cleverly disguised as responsible adult.
%
I dream of the day when the national news comes and reports there was no news.
%
The priest never showed up at our Sunday service.
The choir contacted the Missing Parson's bureau.
%
Marriage lets you annoy one special person for the rest of your life.
%
Plan now to be spontaneous tomorrow.
%
There's no such think as an ordinary cat.
%
You laugh now. Wait until you get home.
%
Pregnancy is a gift.
And, in my case, a real surprise!
%
You will read this and say, "Geez! I can write humor better than that!"
%
Blessed are the children, for they shall inherit the national debt.
%
The fortune teller sees money in my future.
However, it's not mine.
%
Three can keep a secret -- if you eliminate two.
%
How much deeper would the oceans be without sponges?
%
Be kind to pigeons.
A statue may someday be made of you.
%
I just read The History Of Augers.
Boring!!!
%
My first attempt at stand-up comedy got mixed results.
Some hissed, and others booed.
%
Loaf: The collective noun for a group of bakers.
%
An analysis of my 401(k) shows I can't afford to live past 70.
So, I've taken up smoking and hard drinking to bring it back into balance.
%
I've always wanted to be a stay-at-home mom.
Only, you know, without the kids.
%
If my love life was a car, it would be in a ditch.
%
I recently paid $29.95 for a diet book.
So far I've lost $29.95.
%
I understand the IRS opened a GoFundMe account.
%
Someone once said, There is no such thing as a stupid question.
They should try spending some time at my workplace...
%
I want a power tie that screams, You're not the boss of me!
%
There's no place like home
... until you miss a few mortgage payments.
%
She, "Happy April, Fool."
Me, "That's April Fools', dear."
She, "I stand by my punctuation."
%
My dietitian told me to knock off the fudge sundaes.
Yesterday I knocked off five of'em.
%
I wonder if the Egyptians had a food pyramid.
%
The good news is I get a $500 tax refund.
The bad new is the tax preparation fee was $495.
%
Went to a dodgy antique action.
The oldest thing there was the lady selling tickets.
%
Do you have to say grace again for leftovers?
%
My wife has the Spring Cleaning Bug.
But luckily, not the contagious kind.
%
They stated they wanted to hire people with a passion.
I asked if cheesecake counts.
%
Saw a fella on the bus with 333 tattooed across his forehead.
Short little devil.
%
Just saw our neighbor with a nose job, botox lips, and a tattoo.
At least I think it was her.
%
The Vertigo Clinic is advertising for a Spin Doctor.
%
I was thinking of something to do.
But I guess that is doing something.
%
I guess I'm old. Work is a lot less fun.
And fun is a lot more work.
%
My guilt trips never got me anywhere.
But my psychiatrist recently departed on his nice new boat.
%
Our first online Zoom meeting did not go so well.
Yep. Zoom to doom in nothing flat.
%
Folks ask me if I'm an optimist.
And I answer, I hope so.
%
You know you're <b>really</b> old when the cake has only one candle.
%
Intelligent people are full of doubts.
And the stupid ones are full of confidence.
%
A good neighbor does not put a password on their WiFi.
%
Animal crackers make people think that all animals taste the same.
%
Ever notice that the symbol &amp; looks like a man dragging his butt over the floor?
%
I got some new glasses.
My observational comedy is much improved.
%
My star sign is Pyrex.
I was a test-tube baby.
%
You're working class when your TV is bigger than your bookcase.
%
If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn't type any slower.
%
I would imagine that if you understood Morse code,
a tap dancer would drive you crazy.
%
LOL went from meaning, Laugh Out Loud to I have nothing else to say.
%
Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.
%
When a kid says smell my hand, it'll never smell like chocolate.
%
Even on mute, the news is too loud.
%
Reality continues to ruin my life.
%
Meow and Purr. It's a romance language.
%
To beat the high cost of a funeral, don't die.
%
I loaded an AI app on my phone.
Now it just sits in front of a mirror -- taking selfies.
%
Who supports the emotional support animal?
%
I was just told I have a terrible memory.
I'm gonna forget they ever said that.
%
I really don't want to lose weight.
I want to have <i>lost</i> weight.
%
I find it odd that efficient is a three-syllable word.
%
All of my missed calls are my attempts to locate my lost phone.
%
I've outsourced my exercising to a young fella in Kenya.
%
I've narrowed my dad's birthday present to 2 choices.
Either a high-tech gadget he'll never figure out, or a tie he'll never wear.
%
My memory foam mattress was delivered yesterday.
Last night I dreamt about that time in 2nd grade when I called my teacher Mom.
%
It was a good day at work.
I reignited all the fires that everyone else had put out.
%
I'm undecided about my car's personal pronouns.
%
He's a nice guy once you get to know him.
Translation: He's a jerk, but you'll get used to it.
%
Officer, I wouldn't have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me.
%
Yawning is our body's way of saying 10% of battery remaining.
%
Work and microwave minutes are longer than regular minutes.
%
I don't need a stable relationship.
I need a stable internet connection.
%
I have to thank my parents for giving me such a weird name.
Seriously, my name is never on those customized items.
%
I'm not immature. I just know how to have fun.
%
Sometimes the movie trailer is better than the movie itself.
%
I always wake up with a new hairstyle.
%
Math must be a drama queen.
It can't seriously have that many problems.
%
There's always one family member who thinks they're a professional photographer.
%
True love doesn't care about the look, or the size of your wallet.
It is all about what is inside .... the wallet.
%
Life is like a roller coaster, but some people are still in line.
%
I walk into a spider web and instantly turn into a karate master.
%
I love my career -- just not the working part.
%
Does the planet earth tease other planets for having no life?
%
Life can only be understood backwards, but it must be lived forward.
%
Who raised you? is the usual comment when people see how I dress.
%
My mom always says, I'd still love you if you murdered someone.
I'm thinking, Should I take that as a dare?
%
I'm Sorry I didn't reply to your email.
It's Saturday and you shouldn't have sent it.
%
Once a toddler learns Why?, it's all over.
%
I tell everyone I completed a half-marathon.
It's better than saying I quit halfway through a full marathon.
%
Weird! I feel like I'm forgetting things I should remember,
and remembering things I wish I could forget.
%
If it wasn't for butt dials, I wouldn't get any calls at all.
%
I wrote a version of Hamlet ... with just puns.
It's a play on words.
%
Ponder this idea:
The Pop-up Book Of Phobias
%
I'll never forgive Noah for taking those 2 mosquitoes onboard.
%
Nobody looks back on their life and regrets that they didn't do more homework.
%
The jokes I write result from collaborative efforts.
Tho', the other humorists call it plagiarism.
%
<font face="Times New Roman" size="4">THE END</font>
Now I just need to write what comes before that.
%
Supposedly seniors are vastly richer than any other group,
and causing the largest wealth disparity in history.
I'll have you know I'm working hard to reverse that trend.
%
My son got a A in sex education.
Dunno whether to be proud or alarmed!
%
She posted in her profile that she was a book lover.
Then I learned she organizes her books by the covers' colors.
%
I'm all for free speech.
Lets me know who the stupid people are.
%
Sure, I exercise! I'm a runner.
I run late, I run from my problems, I run out of money, I run my mouth...
%
I'm addicted to elevators.
But I've enrolled in a 12-step program.
%
I want to see Paris, London, Rome, Madrid, Dublin, Berlin...
Before I go I should make sure they want to see me.
%
The good news is I no longer suffer from FOMO - the Fear Of Missing Out.
The bad news is I now suffer from COMO - the Certainty Of Missing Out.
%
'Tis better to have loved money and lost,
than to have never loved money at all.
%
My annual review tagged me as uninspiring --
which is an improvement. Last year it was lackluster.
%
The difficult we do today.
The impossible takes a little longer.
%
I liked him the first moment I saw him.
But then he started talking.
%
We don't know how the birds return every Spring.
Me? I think they just wing it.
%
Today the chef's surprise at Chez Pierre was his deportation order.
%
Professional wrestlers are paid in fake money.
%
What's to prevent some total stranger on the internet from paying my bills?
%
All power corrupts, but we need electricity.
%
My uncle died of hypochondria.
%
She and I are happy enough.
I have my work and she has Pilates.
%
They're a perfect match.
She's high-maintenance, and he can fix anything.
%
His boat was christened <font face="Times New Roman" size="4">NEVER AGAIN II.</font>
%
My ex-wife is bringing a class-action suit against me on behalf of ex-wives everywhere.
%
She asked me to sign a pre-peccadillo agreement.
%
Heaven help me, but I've fallen in love with my wife's divorce attorney.
%
In his email archive he refers to me as a snoop.
%
We'd still be married if we hadn't foolishly agreed to stop lying to each other.
%
I like being alone. At least I know who I'm with.
%
It's probably bad news if she refers to the second date as 'mission creep.'
%
She was the first to bring a police presence into my life.
%
Her eyes are like two crystal-blue pools of constant judgment.
%
My only hope for retirement is if I'm reincarnated as a retiree.
%
I don't want a divorce, but I would like a gap year.
%
I'm hoping to buy back everything I lost in the divorce at her garage sale.
%
No one can drive you crazy unless you hand them the keys.
%
My friend's husband left her because she paid no attention to him.
She's not sure, but she thinks he left 3 or 4 months ago.
%
They would never allow Superman to post bail.
Because he's a flight risk.
%
I was invited to a Murder Mystery Party.
They want me to be the corpse.
%
I was happily married once. It wasn't pretty.
%
Holding an open contest on social media and then announcing the winner may not be the best way to pick a password.
%
I've become quite accomplished at dating.
Relationships that used to take months now last a matter of days.
%
All of my memories are repressed.
%
You're born, you deconstruct your childhood, and then you die.
%
I am an optimist.
I'm convinced that everything is going to go to hell, but not for a while yet.
%
We tried macrobiotics, we tried crystals, we tried meditation.
Finally, we tried divorce. That worked.
%
I've consolidated all my bills into one missed payment.
%
I never cheat on my income taxes.
I always hire someone to do it for me.
%
One of my co-worker suffers from information underload.
%
I don't say much, but I bristle a lot.
%
I want to have at least two children.
I have too much guilt to pass on for just one.
%
I thought I'd stay home today and accept the things I cannot change.
%
It's funny how two intelligent people can have such opposite interpretations of the tax code!
%
It's a little less amusing when you hear your kids calling it 'the death tax'.
%
If debt is a measure of consumer confidence, I must be very confident indeed.
%
The bank was willing to give me the loan &hellip; if I'd wear their ankle monitor.
%
I ultimately intend to seek employment.
But it will be at a time and place of my own choosing.
%
I try to keep the Christmas Spirit by having credit-card debt all year long.
%
I won't be speaking to anyone at the party tonight.
My defense mechanisms seem to be out of order.
%
I've learned not to listen to critics who are right about me.
%
I'm hearing a lot of buzzwords from my date.
But I'm not getting a buzz.
%
Oh, I object now and then, but, as lawyers go, I'm pretty laid back.
%
My battery of lawyers was no match for their battery of eyewitnesses.
%
Oops!! I seemed to have just self-deprecated myself right out of a job.
%
How am I supposed to think about consequences before they happen?
%
On jury duty I don't listen to the evidence.
I like to make up my own mind.
%
The doctor thinks I have an ulcer.
What?!?! I give ulcers, I don't get them!
%
I thought he said I should take the ball and slowly meander around with it.
%
Our mail is running 3 to 1 against our Christmas newsletter.
%
The clinic diagnosed me with a very rare form of medical insurance.
%
Thank goodness Twitter came back!
For several hours I didn't know where to direct my rage.
%
A hacker broke into my computer and, in a random act of kindness, organized all my files.
%
These feelings I have aren't that unusual.
In fact, several of them have websites.
%
For Father's Day, my son gave me an hour of free tech support.
%
I was sad because I had no mobile GPS until I saw a man who had no mobile phone.
%
I'm trying to call as many people as I can before my phone goes out of style.
%
I have a food processor attached to my word processor ...
just in case I have to eat my words.
%
Oops!! I think I just butt-donated to a charity.
%
I just feel fortunate to live in a world with so much disinformation at my fingertips.
%
I'm giving up Twitter for Lent.
%
My girlfriend and I have been together through three versions of Windows.
%
Every few years, my husband and the TV get a couple of inches wider.
%
I have lots of information technology.
I just don't have any information.
%
The first computer I bought cut my work in half, so I bought another one.
%
stupid-idiot.com
It was the only domain name they had left...
%
My life has become a tangled web of fictitious user names and fiendishly clever passwords.
%
I filed my taxes electronically to speed things up.
And I got audited in record time
%
I just have to create a few loose ends for other people to clear up.
Then I can call it a day.
%
I can't explain it &hellip; I have a funny feeling I'm being Googled.
%
I was addicted to porn before there was an internet.
%
I don't care if everyone else is getting one.
I am not buying a refrigerator with a learning curve.
%
I want a new credit card for my birthday.
It just doesn't have to be mine.
%
I wish I had a salary that disgusted people.
%
I'm pretty sure I slept funny last night.
When I woke up, my wife was laughing at me.
%
I work at a gambling anonymous hotline service.
I've never won the office sports betting pool.
%
If you can't say something nice, say something clever but devastating.
%
For me, Brussels Sprouts are to vegetables,
as Mondays are to weekdays.
%
When I was young and a girl checked me out, I was thrilled.
Now, when it happens, I check my fly.
%
When someone talks down to you, try counting to 10.
Or, if that's too hard, five.
%
If you need anything, just ask &hellip; &hellip; someone else.
%
Being punctual can cause people to think you have nothing more important to do.
%
I don't remember people behaving so stupidly before.
They're just not making people like they used to.
%
Loose bits sink chips.
%
I enjoy being the dissenter of attention.
%
I really don't want to be alone.
But, I've gotten pretty good at it.
%
Always pay your doctor's bill promptly.
It gives them the incentive to keep you alive.
%
One of our co-workers is as useful as a trapdoor in a canoe.
%
I'm at the age where getting out of an easy chair ain't so easy.
%
The only thing my children share willingly is a cold.
%
Forgetting where I parked the car makes it easy to get my steps in.
%
I bought my first smart TV.
It needs to be dumbed down a little so I can use it.
%
My FitBit was in my pants pocket when I threw them in the dryer.
I got 6,000 steps in before I even put my pants on.
%
My last online shopping experience was like being at an actual store.
There were 8 virtual checkout links, but only one was not a 404.
%
All syllogisms have three parts,
therefore this is not a syllogism.
%
It was the change to daylight savings.
So, I set my clock forward to Tuesday.
%
As a child I had a unique action figure.
Raggedy Ann.
%
I use my car's heated seats to keep the pizza warm until I get home.
%
Heated car sets: Rump roast.
%
I was slow in getting to the free donuts in the break room.
My office mates left me something at least &hellip; the holes.
%
Research is just a silly nuisance that takes the fun out of what you think is probably right.
%
It's been discovered why I'm fat.
Seems my favorite food is seconds.
%
My new watch has a battery that'll last 10 years.
Pretty sure it's got more time left than I do.
%
It's not a good sign when I need safety glasses to carve the ham.
%
The bank charged me a nuisance fee to handle my account.
%
I'm an outcast because I say what everybody else is thinking.
%
My mother is is a travel agent for guilt trips.
%
I have an attitude, and I know how to use it.
%
I don't repeat gossip. So listen carefully.
%
Common sense is a lot like deodorant.
The people who need it most never use it.
%
My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
%
Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough.
%
All you nonconformists are just alike!
%
I love seeing those 3 little words:
All Day Breakfast
%
Everyone has a purpose in life.
Perhaps mine is watching television.
%
I told my shopaholics support group I could stop any time.
They weren't buying it.
%
Technically, all razors are disposable if you throw them away.
%
My super power is procrastination
%
I've been retaining a lot of water lately.
I need a seasick pill to get out of bed.
%
I was assured that weekend work is optional.
The other option is to be laid off.
%
I found it easy to eat sensibly once I realized taste is a sense.
%
It's more like it is now than it's ever been.
%
The word gullible isn't in the dictionary.
%
Nothing is in the dictionary.
%
Where is this town, Out Of Service, where so many buses go?
%
You can bet it wasn't a consumer that determined that 11 potato chips are equal to one serving.
%
At work I'm known as a Big Wheel.
The boss runs me around in circles.
%
I have good news and bad news.
The bad news is, there is no good news.
The good news is, that's all of the bad news.
%
I saw pictures of my sister-in-law's relatives at the Historical Society.
Now I know why they came in <u>covered</u> wagons.
%
I felt the WX app got it wrong most of the time...
... until I quit using it and made my own predictions.
%
Pushing 80 is exercise enough.
%
A day late and a dollar short doesn't sound so bad,
until you see all the extra finance charges.
%
All our cows are grass-fed.
Coincidentally, all our grass is cow-fed.
%
My boss just gave me a piece of his mind.
And, it lowered both our IQ's.
%
I ordered a DVD documentary on Current Events.
Turns out it was about electricity.
%
A local politician turned out to be corrupt <u>and</u> inept.
He was paying hush money to a mime.
%
Pain is your Check Engine light.
%
As a kid I thought The Tax Man was some sort of superhero.
%
A self driving sports car would seem so wrong.
I mean, what's the point?
%
If a wedding goes off without a hitch, what really happened?
%
I belong to a Wine Drinking Club.
It's really an excuse to get together and discuss books.
%
Making order out of chaos is an anagram fail!
%
My psychiatrist has a nicely appointed office.
Except for the cuckoo clock....
%
Facial recognition is everywhere.
The vending machine just asked me, "The usual?
%
I want to be famous for being the worlds most obscure person.
%
Wait!! Aren't you that person I've never heard of?
%
The vegan food store is expanding
They're beefing up the selections.
%
I'm self-publishing my book.
But I still get rejection notices.
%
The ears of most people appear to be for decorative purposes only.
%
My car is so old the headlights have cataracts.
%
Brought home flowers for my wife.
She asked. Have I been good or have you been bad?
%
I wanted to be a monk.
But I never got the chants.
%
Take the bouquet off my funeral coffin and toss it into the crowd.
&emsp; ... just to see who is next.
%
In any situation where I am the voice of reason,
we are in a very, very bad situation.
%
If your phone doesn't ring, it's me.
%
Plagiarism is getting in trouble for something you didn't do.
%
A pun is not matured until it is full groan.
%
Resolutions. In one year and out the other.
%
LAZY is such an ugly word.
I prefer Selective Participation.
%
I tried to came up with a carpentry joke that woodwork.
I thought I nailed it, but no one saw it.
%
I'd tell a chemistry joke, but I'm not sure I'd get a reaction.
%
If you can't laugh at yourself, call me. I will.
%
My mind is much like my internet browser:
29 open tabs -- 5 are frozen,
and I have <b>no idea where the music is coming from!</b>
%
My relationship with scotch is on the rocks.
%
Never feed your cat anything that clashes with the carpet.
%
Life doesn't come with instructions.
And, if it did, I wouldn't follow them.
%
People say I act like I don't care.
It's not an act.
%
I ate a frozen apple.
Hard core, ain't I?
%
Seems you can't use "beefstew" as a password.
It's not stroganoff.
%
Somethings are better left unsaid.
Which I generally realize right after saying them.
%
My housekeeping style is best described as
"There appears to have been a struggle."
%
Group projects help me understand why Superman works alone.
%
I eliminated everything in my kitchen that I don't need.
All I'd have left is a cork screw and an ice cream scoop.
%
I'm addicted to seaweed.
But I'm seeking kelp.
%
Vegetarian is an old indigenous word for bad hunter.
%
I want to grow my own food, but I can't find bacon seeds.
%
Is there ever a day that mattresses are <b>not</b> on sale?
%
A successful mime is totally unheard of.
And that goes without saying.
%
Apologies to anyone I have yet to offend.
Be patient. I will get to you shortly.
%
Would conflict between vegans be called a beef?
%
Beer is a gateway drug to aspirin.
%
I've tried to use baby changing stations.
But I never did end up with a cat.
%
Let's ban packaged shredded cheese.
Make America grate again.
%
Be cautious when you follow the masses.
Sometimes the "M" is silent.
%
The boat shop had a big sale on paddles.
It was quite an oar deal.
%
I just learned they're not making yardsticks any longer.
%
I'm now bald, but I kept my comb.
I just can't part with it.
%
There are no canaries on the Canary Islands.
And, the Virgin Islands?&ensp; Same thing -- no canaries there either.
%
I haven't worn a watch for I don't know how long.
%
I just ordered a couple of reversible jackets.
I'm excited to see how they'll turn out.
%
We child-proofed our home, but they still get back in.
%
I think it's sweet to see lover's names carved in a tree.
But, I have to wonder who'd bring a knife on a date.
%
A marriage is a ring on her finger and two under his eyes.
%
I almost got caught stealing a board game today.
However, it was a Risk I was willing to take.
%
My son is a man trapped in a woman's body..
He'll be born in 6 weeks.
%
She says it is not nagging.
It's encouragement to become the best version of myself.
%
Call me ambivalent ... see if I care.
%
The less things change, the more they remain the same.
%
My cat really puts the Me! in meow!
%
%
My boss exudes confidence, but he also secretes disappointment.
%
Some days it feels like a great big party.
And I'm the clown that does balloon animals.
%
Today would've been our 50th wedding anniversary,
if I hadn't divorced him and married those other guys.
%
My New Year's resolution was to stop procrastinating.
But I haven't gotten around to it yet.
%
If my husband calls when out playing basketball,
I just ask, Which hospital?
%
The closest I've come to eating sushi is goldfish crackers.
%
Crossfit?!?! I thought she said, “Do an hour of croissants.”
%
Due to my age I no longer live life one day at a time.
It's now minute to minute.
%
It is <b>not</b> the same resolution as I made last year.
That was a completely different 10 pounds!
%
You can't make ends meet if you're always sitting on yours.
%
My computer had been running slower and slower.
The Tech told me the problem was my grandmother board.
%
I just finished a book on short-term memory.
I'd recommend it, but I can't remember the title.
%
I didn't get far in life without stepping on a few toes.
That's why she's dancing with a good friend of ours.
%
February can be the cruelest month.
But March has a lot of anger management issues.
%
How would you rate your pain between one and ten?
One being fully insured and ten being fully uninsured.
%
I just sold my Homing Pigeon on eBay for the 28th time.
%
So what if I can't spell Armageddon?
It's not the end of the world.
%
Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at it.
%
I gave up working at the Velcro factory.
I was always bringing work home with me.
%
Have you ever noticed how, on some Wednesdays, you <b>really</b> need it to be Friday?
%
My brother-in-law thinks exercise is doing diddly squats.
%
I hate it when a fortune cookie starts with, "Don't look now....."
%
I started by running around the block ... moved on to 5 miles a day.
Now, a year later, I'm hoping for the sweet release of death.
%
There is an origami show on our streaming service.
Paper view.
%
A friend made so many rash decisions that he had to see a dermatologist.
%
I've seen people like you.
It's nice I didn't have to pay admission!
%
I asked the doctor to give me something for my liver.
She gave me a half a pound of onions.
%
I have a joke about COVID but I hope you don't get it.
%
I bought a used medical book on abdominal pain.
Somebody had ripped the appendix out.
%
Last night, I played solitaire with Tarot cards.
Dealt a a full house and 4 people died.
%
The 4 most beautiful words in our common language, I told you so.
%
I'm so jealous of all the people that haven't met you!
%
I was going to give him a nasty look, but he already had one.
%
I don't think he is stupid.
He just has bad luck when thinking.
%
I'm not insulting you. I'm describing you.
%
Yes, we need to show compassion for the mentally ill.
But we should not let them run for President.
%
I hate the feeling after surgery when you're not sure if you're awake or asleep.
... or if you operated on the right patient.
%
There's one benefit to eating healthier.
You never have to ask your office mates, Who ate my kale salad?
%
I have no experience in crisis management.
Just production.
%
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
%
Today I discovered my true self.
I'm hoping the shock wears of soon.
%
My friend is a procrastinator.
He's afraid of Saturday the 14th.
%
I named my new dog Nature.
He simply abhors the Roomba.
%
The Army gave me a medal.
What I really wanted was a hero sandwich.
%
TV can insult your intelligence.
But nothing rubs it in quite like a computer.
%
Running away from your problems is great exercise.
%
I told the waitress I wanted something to go.
It was the table with kids next to us.
%
I don't know why women live longer than men.
Maybe it's so they can get in the last word?
%
<b>CONGRESS</b> (acronym):
Corrupt Overpaid Nitwits Getting Really Excited Seething Sanctimoniously.
%
Yippee! They just found land on my Florida property!
%
Parental Leave sounds like a great idea!
Except, who is going to watch our kids?
%
It's said that chopping an onion underwater prevents tears.
I dunno if I can hold my breath that long.
%
Anything free is worth what you paid for it.
%
I'm told my password is weak. However, my memory is weaker.
So I'm sticking with qwertyuiop.
%
I've had a fantastic meal, but this wasn't it.
%
I recently took an aptitude test.
Seems I'm best suited for retirement.
%
Supposedly women blink twice as often as men.
Probably because men do things that flabbergast women twice as often.
%
I am where I am today because of a lot of hard work.
Granted, none of it was mine.
%
Instead of buying my first computer,
I should've bought stock in the company that made it.
%
I'm less upset about being wrong than that she was right.
%
Climate is what you expect.
Weather is what you get.
%
A successful plumber makes all the right connections.
%
Learning from my mistakes is a form of continuing education.
%
I tried reading a pop-up book on my tablet, and cracked the screen.
%
The secret to long lasting relationships is to always be sincere.
No matter whether you mean it or not.
%
He is so boring.
His voicemail greeting puts people to sleep.
%
There's one serious problem with the rat race.
There is no finish line.
%
Any single Red Sox team player would be a Red Sock.
%
You don't even get a participation trophy for the rat race.
%
Is it possible to be enlightened, but not know it?
%
Some people are born with a silver spoon in their mouth.
Me ... I was born with a plastic spork in mine.
%
Sadly, I do my best proofreading after I hit [SEND].
%
I can't count the number of times I repeated 6th Grade.
My last injury during Red Rover was covered by Medicare.
%
If a tree falls in the forest, but there's no hashtag for it&hellip;&hellip;
%
Maybe I'll go into obstetrics.
I like meeting new people.
%
I've given up saying political campaigns can't get any worse.
They seem to take it as a challenge.
%
Did you know they price hammers by the pound?
%
I always feel bad about splitting up bananas at the grocery.
I know ... I know... They really aren't that sentimental.
%
My memory foam mattress has amnesia.
%
Boy, what a day! I woke up, and ... &hellip; &hellip;
Boy,&nbsp;what a day!
%
I attended an identity theft seminar.
The guest speaker needed no introduction.
%
My box of Animal Crackers said Do Not Eat If Seal Is Broken.
I took a look and . . . sure enough,...  ... and a giraffe.
%
My girlfriend is a paranoid optimist.
She believes everybody is out to get her something nice.
%
Why would I have a need for a voyage of self-discovery?
I can just Google myself.
%
&sung;&sung;&nbsp; Jimmie and Sallie sitting in a tree.&nbsp; &sung;&sung;
&sung;&sung;&nbsp; <b>T-E-X-T-I-N-G</b>&nbsp; &sung;&sung;
%
I'm in a race -- a 'run naked race'.
That means no GPS -- and I wish I knew that an hour ago.
%
Of course I'm in shape!
Round is a shape, right?
%
I always put a single raisin into each jar of <b>M&amp;M</b>'s.
It sound so much better as trail mix.
%
I removed the muffler on my car.
Now I can't hear my mother-in-law in the back seat.
%
I never beat rush hour traffic.
But, now and then I tie it.
%
Brain damage is all in your head.
%
For Lent I'm giving up all my New Year's resolutions.
%
I used to like my neighbors, until they put a password on their WiFi.
%
I do some of my best thinking at work.
It's not always related to work, but still...
%
My new drug's side effects may be way worse than my problem.
%
My brother-in-law gave me a book for my birthday.
I just noticed it's due back at the library tomorrow.
%
My GPS misrouted me into a cemetery.
Then it said, You have reached your final destination.
%
Spike lost his big toe in a chainsaw incident.
He can't tiptoe any longer -- just 'tip'.
%
When I was a child I had a collection of bottle caps.
Now I have a collection of Allen wrenches from IKEA.
%
He is a most disagreeable fella.
He could start a fight in an empty room.
%
My life is filled with so many questions.
Can anyone tell me why?
%
If you stare at a bad credit report long enough, it'll fix itself.
At least I think that's how it works.
%
Some Sage Fatherly Advice:
Even the most humble potato can become a french fry.
%
Costco sells things in such large quantities.
So, the wife and I decided to have more kids.
%
My bank balance is a constant reminder that I am safe from identity theft.
%
My bank has upped their online security.
Passwords now have to be an original limerick.
%
We're living on <i>fixed</i> income that's always <i>broken</i>.
%
I was enrolled in a memory enhancement class at the senior center.
But, on our first day, the instructor forgot to show up.
%
I'm pulling down a six-figure salary.
But the decimal point is in the wrong place.
%
There's one good thing about the dead of Winter.
The sun and I are never at odds about bedtime.
%
We need to learn from our mistakes.
Sadly, I've made the same mistake 3 times -- and alimony adds up <b>fast.</b>
%
Happiness is a huge cup of coffee.
Monday is a huge cup of decaf.
%
My roof doesn't always leak.
Just when it rains...
%
This may take a while....
The help desk is calling another help desk.
%
Our library has a new policy for overdue books.
Patrons will now have to write a book report.
%
Comedy is usually stupidity plus time.
%
Sixty percent of voters think our congressman is wishy.
The other 40% think he's washy.
%
Whenever her feathers get ruffled, I get henpecked.
%
She says I'm still a young and handsome fella.
Which means &hellip; &hellip; she needs new glasses.
%
I'm willing to listen to reason.
But, I won't let it have the last word.
%
She can't remember most of her passwords.
But she remembers the comment I made on July 2, 1997.
%
Would like to watch a movie with my girlfriend tonight.
Anybody have a good suggestion for a girlfriend?
%
I'm 48 years old and the idea of dating a 19-year old is daunting.
My back would be killing me, if my wife didn't do it first.
%
He wonders why I watch food shows when I don't even cook.
Gee, I wonder why he watches football.
%
At my age, I certainly have a lot of mistakes to learn from.
Now, if only I could remember them.
%
Chemist who falls in acid is absorbed in work.
%
When life gives you lemons...,
you find you already have coupons for free lemons.
%
Take Out Airline Food.
Now there's a niche marketing idea.
%
Beauty is only skin deep.
Works for me -- it's the only part that shows.
%
My boss told me that my advancement is assured.
Then I realized he was referring to my age.
%
My Senator takes umbrage at being called crooked.
He much prefers the description non-linear.
%
The beauty of their women and the taste of their food make the British the best sailors in the world.
%
She emailed me that she had an IQ of 220.
I told her to fix the sticky 2 on her keyboard.
%
"It's Marvin, but without a T."
'There's no T in Marvin.'
"I know. That's what I said."
%
A spider is a creature with a 3D printer on its butt.
%
Pressing the door lock button on your car's key fob just once never seems to lock it enough.
%
Most of my To Do list is all the meds I take.
%
All I ask is to prove that money can't make me happy.
%
When you're right: No one remembers.
When you're wrong: No one forgets.
%
What happened in 1809?&nbsp; Abraham Lincoln was born.
What happened in 1812?&nbsp; Abraham Lincoln had his 3rd birthday.
%
If voting could really change things, it would be illegal.
%
Around the 5th year of marriage, Stockholm Syndrome sets in.
%
Men are from Mars... Women are from Venus...
Kids are from, like, a freaking circus sideshow or something.
%
I took a year off to find myself.
After 12 months I found myself out of money.
%
Sigh... I'm not as young as I used to be.
But I'm sure not as old as I'm going to be!
%
If my imagination runs wild,
does that count as exercise?
%
You shouldn't dwell on your past mistakes.
Instead, focus on your future mistakes.
%
Just found out my Uncle Jack sleeps with the fishes.
Sadly, he was fired for napping at SeaWorld.
%
I used to know how old I am.
But I think I'm older than that now.
%
Dunno about that kid of mine.
He's planing a gap year in middle school.
%
Sigh... My wife's meals.
Last night the salt needed more soup.
%
They say you can't buy happiness,
but you can buy chocolate, and that's pretty damn close!
%
My favorite childhood memory was making sandcastles with my grandpa.
Then my mother came in and took away the urn.
%
Friendship is like a bowl of wax fruit.
It's beautiful until you put the bite on it.
%
A friend is someone who knows you for what you are,
but doesn't care.
%
One of our jurors was quite gassy.
The bailiff kept calling out, "Odor in the court!"
%
Sixty-five years ago I weighed only 6&frac12; pounds.
I really let it get out of control.
%
It could either be a great success or a total disaster.
But don't hold me to that.
%
Why does it take 6 weeks to lose 5 pounds,
and only 1 day to gain it all back?
%
Predicting is hard -- especially about the future.
%
I've noticed that there are more pizza commercials when I'm dieting.
%
My wife's cooking is fit for a King.
That's our dog -- King.
%
I went on a vacation for a change and a rest.
Turns out the bellboy got the change and the hotel got the rest.
%
I don't mind staring mortality in the face.
I just don't like the way it's looking at me.
%
I knew it would come to this.
I saw a parental advisory for a TV commercial.
%
I have nightmares about forgetting my locker combination.
My kids have nightmares about forgetting their passwords.
%
I never received my IRS refund.
I didn't enclose a self-addressed, stamped envelope.
%
I missed my target weight.
Probably because I took aim with a fork.
%
I learn from my mistakes.
But it's like filling a teacup with a fire hose.
%
When I am told there are no stupid questions,
I often take it as a challenge.
%
Ask a stupid question online,
and get a hundred different stupid, answers.
%
I finally got in touch with my inner child.
And now I understand all about my smart phone.
%
You'll probably see me along the highway of life ...
... in an orange jumpsuit picking up trash.
%
I brought home an invisible dog fence.
Went to install it and couldn't find it!
%
I just don't feel like myself today.
Some would say that's a step in the right direction.
%
I hurt myself taking the Christmas tree out to the curb.
I tripped over the Jack-O'-Lantern.
%
OK, I'm going on a diet.
I need to clip my toe nails by memory.
%
I learned a lot about our little understanding yesterday.
First of all, it wasn't a <u>little</u> understanding...
%
I wanted more definition in my glutes.
So, I had the dictionary tattooed on my butt.
%
If I'm reincarnated, I'd have a second chance to make a first impression.
%
Ironic. I let my gym membership lapse in order to tighten my belt.
%
I've been told my super power is crushing boredom.
%
In short, my life went way over budget.
%
It was a lot easier pushing 50 than, now, pulling it.
%
As I get older, I'm outsourcing more of my memory to Google.
%
He never could get a job as an efficiency expert.
Not when he wore a belt <i>and</i> suspenders.
%
We had social networking back when I was employed.
It was the office water cooler.
%
There's a new paranormal cookie in the stores.
It's called Oreo 51.
%
I should consider a job at the DOT.
I believe I have enough street smarts.
%
Sure, The best things in life are free.
But, I wish the portions were larger.
%
Life is a game, and I'm stuck on the warming bench.
%
This tea would taste better if it was coffee.
%
My local grocery gives guided tours to recently divorced men.
%
The Introverts Assoc. just elected new officers.
They now have an outgoing president.
%
I don't know if I'm egotistical or paranoid.
But, I have this feeling that I'm being followed.
%
I fell asleep at my desk and lost my dream job.
%
The cafe is experimenting with Greek alphabet soup.
They're beta-testing it.
%
You'll realize how old you are when you sit your ass on the floor and try to get back up again.
%
My latest bank statement included an Entertainment Charge!
It was for the 20 minutes of hold music last time I called.
%
You will never correctly believe that this sentence is true.
%
A Thinking Of You card from the IRS cannot be a good thing.
%
My doctor told me I'm over weight and under insured.
%
I attended a focus group.
It was all a blur.
%
Most of the pictures on my cellphone are of things in my pocket.
%
My dermatologist is constantly making rash decisions.
%
What would a petrified forest be afraid of?
%
I don't know what concerns me most about politics --
unanswered questions or unquestioned answers.
%
The Loan Officer was not amused when I called him a Person Of Interest.
%
When you're not looking at it, this sentence is in Spanish.
%
I didn't like the South Beach Diet.
There was too much grit in the food.
%
I didn't realize a dose of reality had so many adverse side effects.
%
I do not see the point of resealable snacks.
%
You can't take it with you ...
But you can't go anywhere without it.
%
My problem is that restaurants have drive-throughs,
and fitness centers do not.
%
My mother-in-law puts the Quiz in Cuisine.
%
I was a day late and a dollar short.
But it was a personal best.
%
I had a misspent youth.
And I'm doing middle age on credit.
%
I sought help for my fear of crowds.
It was suggested I attend group therapy.
%
I always felt I was a pretty good guy,
until I Googled myself.
%
Instead of Middle Age, let's call it Youth, the re-boot.
%
In the Great Vacuum Cleaner of Life,
February is the suck.
%
Fame is quite fleeting.
But obscurity drags on and on.
%
I'm gonna restart the Palindrome Club that we once had.
Guess it makes me a Reviver.
%
The CHECK ENGINE light means your mechanic has another boat payment.
%
I came to a fork in the road and took the one less graveled.
%
I just pawned my air guitar.
%
My mom had me set up her router.
I was in charge of Home LAN Security.
%
The Russia emperor was the Tsar; his queen was the Tsarina.
Their children were Tsardines.
%
I know a little suffering is good for the soul.
But someone is trying to make a saint out of me.
%
They raised my deductible and my premium.
And they added that I should lower my expectations.
%
I'm telling you; forget the DNA results.
That isn't the woman I married!
%
My new diet book should appeal to a broad audience.
%
The key to motivating a young man to work hard ...
probably fits the ignition of his father's car.
%
There's one thing you can get for a single dollar,
the waiter's opinion of you.
%
<b>U.S. Post Office:</b> The biggest name in wireless communication.
%
I'm told I can be quite condescending.
You know, that means talking down to people,
%
I chose the path of least resistance.
I've been going downhill ever since.
%
I was charged extra for a delayed flight!
They called it a Late Fee.
%
I'm between jobs at the moment.
Don't you admire my optimism?
%
At my trial the jury asked the judge to ask everyone to stop using allegedly.
%
February, 2016 was grim.
It had <u><b>five</b></u> Mondays!
%
Do not ascribe to Murphy's Law outcomes that can be shown to be stupidity.
%
My manager accused me of being apathetic.
But I couldn't care less.
%
I've been made a key executive.
Means I lock up at night.
%
Amazon's one-day service is amazing!
My gifts were delivered before I ordered them!
%
At first I didn't like bacteriology.
But it eventually grew on me.
%
They didn't say my business proposal was bad.
They said it was nauseating.
%
I've tried hearing aids, but I didn't like what I was hearing.
%
My ex-wife couldn't live without me.
So she left me for the guy that stole my identity.
%
I was living paycheck to paycheck.
They just weren't my paychecks.
%
I should be president.
I have complex solutions for the nation's simple problems.
%
I have a PhD in something or other.
Was never able to figure that out.
%
I need a raise to buy a house.
Then I would be able to work from home.
%
Ethical conduct may play a role.
But let's not forget I am a lawyer.
%
I believed in Trump. Then I believed in Biden.
Now I believe I need counseling.
%
My ex was crazy about me.
I didn't realize how crazy until we started couples therapy.
%
I don't have any facts on that.
But I'd be happy to make some up.
%
My resume could've been impressive except for the misspellings and four-letter words.
%
My high school class voted me Most Likely To File For Bankruptcy.
%
My high school class voted me Most Likely To Apply For A Government job.
%
They don't pay interest on my money because I'm not that interesting.
%
I sent the IRS my estimated taxes.
They sent me an estimate of my jail time.
%
I think I made a great presentation.
I just hope they're not into fact checking.
%
I don't <i>try</i> to be annoying.
It comes naturally.
%
My airline practices social distancing.
You fly on one plane and your luggage flies on some other plane.
%
The facts are starting to make me look guilty.
%
I used someone else's resume.
Now I have a job I don't want.
%
My presentation went over great!
However, I was in the wrong Zoom meeting.
%
Money talks
It speaks to me through a collection agency.
%
My Las Vegas weekend was a bust.
I flew in and hitchhiked out.
%
My ex-wife was a narcissist.
I was too self-absorbed to notice.
%
All my New Year's resolutions turned out to be unaffordable.
%
I'm investing in artificial intelligence.
I'm earning great imaginary profits.
%
Behind many successful men there's an ex-wife who knows he cheats on his taxes.
%
I think I got burned with a counterfeit $50 bill.
Ulysses S. Grant is wearing a face mask.
%
I applied for a job at Zoom.
But they required an in-person interview.
%
Maybe I shouldn't have proposed LOL as our mission statement.
%
She's not actually single. She's between husbands.
%
The prisoner received a 200 year sentence.
It's not all bad news. He gets credit for time served.
%
I was turned down by the loan company.
But I was pre-approved by the collection agency.
%
My career is full of ups and downs.
I sell escalators.
%
The airline is so bad they award infrequent flyer milers.
%
They want to hire someone who can think outside the cubicle.
%
I try following my moral compass.
But I always find myself in lost-and-found.
%
It's a dummy corporation.
I think I'd be the perfect job candidate.
%
I was hired to fire people like me.
%
I've been put in charge of corporate financial records.
No, not maintaining them &hellip; &hellip; losing them.
%
The bad news is I'm under performing.
The good news is I'm over billing.
%
My statin medication affects my memory.
I keep forgetting to take it.
%
I enjoyed extreme sports.
My ex enjoyed extreme shopping.
%
Celebrities won't go to prison for the college admission scandals.
They will hire body doubles.
%
Bad News! The IRS just Friended me on Facebook.
%
Ominous! The FBI is Following me on Twitter.
%
I can't remember where I put my hidden agenda.
%
Now, Now. Stop worrying about a higher salary.
I know I have.
%
I need some better cock-and-bull stories.
My credibility is being questioned.
%
I was working from home until I forgot what company I worked for.
%
I was hired as a robot expert.
Now I've been replaced by a robot.
%
My ex and I constantly argued about our disposable income.
&hellip; &hellip; until she disposed of it.
%
My profession is accounting.
But my passion is staring out the window.
%
It was an international bank.
They could say no in 20 languages.
%
In lieu of a health plan, they sent me a Get Well card.
%
I was promoted to V.P. of International Communications.
I now run the mail room.
%
I don't want my boss's job.
I want my boss's pay!
%
I'm planning on becoming more self-reliant.
Who should I check with first?
%
Past mistakes are no guarantee of future calamities.
%
My bank reminded me that the letters N &amp; O are in the word LOAN.
%
I don't seem to process thing the way I once did.
Now-a-days it takes me nearly a week to watch <b>60 Minutes</b>.
%
<b>Quadratic Equation:</b> Advanced mathematical contrivance
whose relevance peaked somewhere around the 10th grade.
%
My cousin took up cross-county skiing.
So far he's gotten as far as Montana.
%
I don't believe in aliens because with so many people willing to
<u>pay</u> to go on a flying saucer, it would be silly to abduct them.
%
If a tree falls in the forest and nobody sees it on Twitter,
does it make a sound?
%
The drought around here has been so bad
that the cows are producing powered milk.
%
Dance like nobody's watching?!? Are you kidding?
I dance like a 7th grader in a gym full of jocks and mean girls..
%
I'm often lost in thought.
It's unfamiliar territory.
%
I tried to live within my income.
But it was far too claustrophobic.
%
It's been a very long time since I made ends meet.
They probably wouldn't fit together anymore.
%
It didn't work out.
While I was ogling her, she was googling me.
%
Don't just assume I'm incompetent.
Give me a chance to prove it.
%
I have hearing aids.
My wife wants me to get listening aids.
%
Unemployment keeps my lack of skills sharp!
%
I call those gaps in my work history Quality Time!
%
I was married to my job.
I should've paid more attention to the prenuptial text.
%
I received a ribbon in the eating contest.
It was for Honorable Munchin'.
%
A dog just took a bite of my leg.
I didn't put anything on it. He liked it just the way it was.
%
A thin TV is a perfect pairing with today's shallow programming.
%
The unexamined life is not worth living. - Socrates
Clearly the man lived long before IRS audits.
%
I'm going to to write my Living With Procrastination book.
But my publisher won't give me an advance.
%
Every time I try to kick my bad habits, they appear to have shin guards.
%
Life is a game and just once I'd like to make the playoffs.
%
Bold of me to use the phrase No worries.
I am, in fact, constantly consumed with worries.
%
I went to the Office Supply store.
They do <u>not</u> sell corporate ladders.
%
Geez, am I just frittering away another day lazing about?
Yes ... I'm full of good ideas.
%
I Tweet, therefore I am.
%
I've decided to quit procrastinating.
Not right now -- maybe sometime next month.
%
My check was returned.
No one at the bank could read cursive.
%
Just received another scathing email from my manager.
That explains why my mood ring is smoking.
%
I wanted to buy a smart TV.
But I couldn't pass the IQ test.
%
People may call me apathetic.
But that does not concern me.
%
I downsized my home-base business.
I now work out of my car.
%
I had a shortness of breath and went to my doctor.
Now I have a shortness of cash.
%
I was working out of my kitchen. The business grew.
Now I work out of my living room.
%
I thought I had bought a smart phone,
but it turned out to be cognitively challenged.
%
I'm an idiot with an MBA, so my job should be secure.
%
My ex was flipping houses.
Then he started flipping wives.
%
I was fired 2 years ago, but HR forgot to tell me.
%
I may be unproductive, but I'm good at it.
%
I decided not to run for office.
It would be too cumbersome with an ankle bracelet.
%
I lived 2021 to the fullest.
I was hacked, vaxxed, sued, audited, and divorced.
%
I am admired.
But my goal is to be envied.
%
Should be a great year, as long as I stay on the right medication.
%
I'm in the middle of a divorce, an audit, and a lawsuit.
I can't seem to finish what I start.
%
I could handle success.
I just couldn't handle the taxes.
%
I'm probably not at risk for identity theft.
Not once they see my credit card balances.
%
Every 3&frac12; minutes a person in the USA suffers identity theft.
We should find that person and do something about it.
%
I'm looking for a job where I can apply my outdated skills.
%
My ex-wife claimed she wasn't cheating.
She called it outsourcing.
%
I was dating a real estate agent.
But the relationship fell out of escrow.
%
I prefer wireless technology ...
also known as speaking face-to-face.
%
My lousy credit qualified me for one of their lousy loans.
%
My co-workers have been praising my work lately.
Which puts their judgment into question.
%
My career in sales was going great.
Then I started believing in my own promises.
%
I followed her on Facebook... I followed her on Twitter...
I just didn't know what to say when I met her in person.
%
They never think of me as a co-worker,
because I don't do any work.
%
Sorry I did not respond to your email.
It's Friday and you should know better.
%
I am definitely on the wrong side of the generation gap!
%
My cough is sounding much better.
It should. I've been practicing for 2 weeks.
%
There's one food item sure to kill your sex drive.
That would be a wedding cake.
%
I was abducted by aliens, but it went OK.
The probing was not as bad as a COVID-19 nasal swab.
%
My wife is being passive/aggressive concerning my beard.
She thinks we should take it to the forest and set it free.
%
I tried making ends meet.
But I'm a poor judge of distance.
%
My home loan is an ARM.
But now they want a leg, too.
%
I've learned from my mistakes.
The result is I am over qualified for everything.
%
Another birthday!
Someone is pushing the Fast Forward button on my life.
%
I just ordered an air guitar on eBay.
Any day now...
%
I would wax my car.
But I don't want to finish something I can't start.
%
My birthday suit is out of fashion.
%
I gave her soap on a rope and she wanted bling on a string.
%
Supposedly the FOREVER STAMP does <b>not</b> refer to delivery times.
%
I don't need puzzles and games.
Managing all my pills keeps my mind sharp.
%
It was bad enough being saddled with debt.
But now they're applying the spurs.
%
I once tried using a chat room.
It resulted in my 15 minutes of flame.
%
My sister's nickname is Kay.
Short for chaos.
%
I'm employed by the Farm Bureau.
I'm a bean counter.
%
I tried to seize the day, but it knew judo.
%
Not only did it rain on my parade, I was fined for no permit.
%
I'm having difficulties with my new smart phone.
It has way more capabilities than I do.
%
I have a medical condition so new,
they haven't developed a TV commercial for it yet.
%
We've moved out of the Information Age into The&nbsp;Too&nbsp;Much&nbsp;Information&nbsp;Age.
%
I hate Mondays and now I have an aversion to Tuesday.
%
Procrastination is my problem.
But I'll deal with that later.
%
What's with this Burning Calories?
Can't we just lightly toast them?
%
I was on a roll and then the backspin kicked in.
%
Money talks ... I may have a hearing problem.
%
The Highway Of Life
Just one damn toll booth after another
%
Photoshopping my images is way easier than dieting.
%
I submitted old credit information.
They issued an expired credit card.
%
The job is temporary.
If the economy improves, it may be part-time.
%
I didn't quit.
I just took a never-ending lunch break.
%
I think I've found a government job.
But I may not have the necessary incompetence.
%
I finally resolved my feelings of uncertainty ... I think.
%
The odds are 5 to 1 that I can lick my gambling problem.
%
I told them I should be Salesman Of The Month.
But they did not buy it.
%
Money&nbsp;talks.
I've just never had that dialog.
%
I have a stable position.
I clean out the horse stalls.
%
I knew the meeting went badly when they refused to validate my parking.
%
I updated my resume.
Harvard sounded better than Princeton or Yale.
%
I'm ready for a new relationship,
but my credit cards are not.
%
My career was going well ... until they learned I had an MBA.
%
My wife and I had communication problems.
We both forgot to pay our cellphone bills.
%
I was working in L.A., but I wasn't shallow enough.
%
I have a window office.
But it's in the basement.
%
Honesty is a good policy.
But it might set a bad precedent.
%
I'm not gainfully employed.
I am painfully employed.
%
Quality business practices are important to companies.
Just not my company.
%
I met my ex-wife in an elevator.
Everything went down from there.
%
Decisions! Either we go out to dinner,
or we stay home and wish she could cook.
%
I've never let work get in the way of my career.
%
I was caught lying.
They moved me out of management and into marketing.
%
I won't be getting out any time soon.
My wife is seeing my attorney.
%
I show up ... they write me a check ...
What else does a bureaucrat need to know?
%
My retirement plan is simple.
I'll move back in with my parents
%
My resume is impressive reading!
I really enjoy writing fiction!
%
I've been with the accounting firm for three years.
Two in auditing, and one in shredding.
%
They called it embezzlement.
I call it supplementing my income.
%
We're told to think of the company as being a family.
And to think of our salary as an allowance.
%
My attorney is appealing the verdict.
He thinks it'll get him on 60 Minutes.
%
I signed up for the memory training seminar.
But I forgot to attend.
%
My ex-wife treated me like a dog.
Even tried sending me to obedience school.
%
My ex-wife and I had one thing in common.
We both liked spending my money.
%
I want to quit while I'm ahead.
The boss wants me to quit while I'm behind.
%
My parents call it a life of sloth.
I prefer to call it my mission statement.
%
The MBA was a waste of time.
What created the job offers was my hair transplant.
%
I have no problem ordering an expensive meal.
I have a problem paying for it.
%
I had an appointment with a cosmetic surgeon.
He says he can make my hair look $10,000 thicker.
%
My bank only makes 'smart' loans.
They're making me take an IQ test.
%
I've had an amazing career.
The judge gave me 10 years to write about it.
%
My pay raise is a sure thing.
As long as their inadequacy causes them to overlook my incompetency.
%
I avoided the last round of staff cuts.
I changed my name and moved to a new cubicle.
%
You should avoid office romances.
They always turn out as junk bonds.
%
It's a dumb idea.
But I have a stupid plan to make it work.
%
I can handle my car payments.
My problem is financing the gas.
%
My alphabet soup listed its own ingredients!
%
Why have I never seen a left-handed microwave oven?
%
I make money the old-fashioned way.
I file for unemployment.
%
Why do we wash bath towels?
%
I saw my old grade school teacher and waved.
She failed to recognize me with my hand up.
%
Turns out my tax loophole was a noose.
%
Her right brain agreed to a date.
But her left brain just texted to cancel.
%
You can push the envelope,
but it'll still be stationery.
%
This quip intentionally left blank. Well, it's not actually blank,
but it would be blank if we didn't have to tell you it's blank.
%
They took away my golden parachute.
But I did get an umbrella with the company's logo.
%
Technology works in circles. TV killed conversation.
Then cellphones brought it back.
%
My psychologist helped me find myself.
It was a shocker to learn the finder's fee.
%
Our metabolism slows down as we grow older.
But time goes faster to compensate.
%
I apologized for being late.
After all -- A Body At Rest ..., you know...
%
Watching my weight takes a lot of 'hind sight'.
%
I'm not good at many things.
But I'm an expert at self acceptance.
%
I work and work, and never get ahead.
My Highway of Life is just a traffic circle.
%
Getting up in the morning is bad news.
I use 2 alarm clocks to get a second opinion.
%
It was the right place. It was the right time.
I was the wrong age.
%
I asked her if she'd like to go on a date.
With who?, she asked.
%
My <u>in</u>come has a poor sense of direction.
%
A great feature of my new job is there is no way to get demoted.
%
The city council just solved the pothole problem.
They reclassified them as speed bumps.
%
There is a guaranteed way to stick to a diet.
And I'll never discover it.
%
Dunno if I'm politically 'left' or 'right'.
But everyone thinks I'm off-center.
%
I'm finally figuring out what's bad for me.
Unfortunately, through the process of elimination.
%
I went to a seminar on cloning.
It was all just double talk.
%
I've never served on a jury.
I'm terrible at story problems.
%
Other people think about me.
Therefore I am.
%
She puts the sting in tasting.
%
Empty calories, my foot!
There were 5 lbs. in that candy bar.
%
I had a talking bathroom scale.
The refrigerator told it to shut up.
%
Today&nbsp;is the first day of your life.
So was yesterday, and look how you messed <u>that</u> up!
%
The company CEO traded in our safety net for his golden parachute.
%
It's the sticky wheel that gets the grease.
No complain, no gain.
%
My son is taking driving lessons.
At last, a roads scholar in the family!
%
The defendant was freed due to a loophole.
A statute of liberty.
%
Wouldn't a magnet school be a bad thing for computer monitors?
%
If December 21 is the shortest day, which is the tallest?
%
The boss said if my work continues to suffer, he'll put it of of it's misery.
%
The problem with doing nothing is you're never sure when you're done.
%
My cash flow could use some more tributaries.
%
I don't believe it's possible to build a time travel machine.
If it were, someone would've come back and shown us how.
%
My friend has an electric guitar, and it is chordless.
%
I shouldn't let my inner child play with my credit cards.
%
My congressman is a hawk on defense, a dove on foreign relations,
and an ostrich on the deficit.
%
I received only half my order.
They sent it by partial post.
%
They say you should follow your dreams. Yea, but...
The one where I go to school in my underwear???
%
Sure my conscience calls, but I have Caller ID.
%
I try to fight my impulses.
But, they insist on re-matches.
%
I never know what time it is in Italy.
But it's probably half pasta something.
%
The dry cleaners never returned my pants.
I'll sue them for promise of breeches.
%
I tried saving for a rainy day.
But life kept seeding the clouds.
%
I was on the debate team in college.
I was the practice dummy.
%
Notice how they never use the Minute Waltz for hold music?
%
I finally went with the flow... just as it headed down the drain.
%
I do use my conscience as my guide.
But it has a terrible sense of direction.
%
I fear my life will end up as a blooper reel.
%
I can always read his mind.
There's never a busy signal.
%
The restaurant offers a sea food platter.
It comes in portions small, medium, and barge,
%
I tried to get a new lease on life.
But I can't come up with the damage deposit.
%
%
I hear the Rolling Stones are going on tour again.
Another Antiques Road Show.
%
I told my trainer I want my body to have lots of definition.
She gave me a list of synonyms for flab.
%
You are only young once.
Bit it makes you tired for the rest of your life.
%
My go-to breakfast:
A breakfast burrito made with coffee beans.
%
I have my life all mapped out.
... including all the detours around work.
%
Do acupuncturists remove the pins from a new shirt?
%
I live life in the fast lane,
because I can only afford 10 Items Or Less.
%
There's one important thing I look for in a boss.
That would be loud footsteps.
%
Sports on TV became more interesting once I learned to read lips.
%
I found a bug in my alphabet soup.
Probably a spelling bee.
%
Whenever I get close to the lap of luxury, luxury stands up.
%
I invested in some earth moving equipment.
Bought a set of golf clubs.
%
Nothing is more tragic than a vegetarian with butterflies in his stomach.
%
I don't mind being unemployed and broke.
My gripe is that it took so much work to get here.
%
It's more than just a bug going around.
I think they're using me for mass transit.
%
I'm a man of few words; so I hired an attorney.
%
God is my co-pilot.
But temptation is my auto-pilot.
%
The doctor said I wasn't ready to go home yet.
But the nurses outvoted him.
%
Seems my bank balance has an inner ear problem.
%
I'm sure there's more to life than beer, TV, and junk food.
But I don't know when I would have the time to find it.
%
Maybe reincarnation is a real thing.
I know I come back to life each day at 5:00 PM.
%
I often phone businesses just to hear that my call is important to them.
%
Along the way I've acquired some educational experience.
I've been fired several times as a lesson to others.
%
I sat down beside her, offered to buy her a drink,
and then natural selection reared its ugly head.
%
I use a telephone answering machine.
I don't like to be <u>directly</u> in touch with reality.
%
It's called Happy Hour because they turn off the karaoke machine.
%
From each according to his ability.
To each according to his political contributions.
%
Not only has life passed me by,
but it did it while I was standing by a puddle.
%
<b>Eclipse:</b> Nature's original rolling blackout.
%
In a world where great minds think alike,
you can count on me for a unique viewpoint.
%
Experience may be the best teacher.
But, it sure is a tough grader.
%
Today the dollar was up against the yen, down against the euro,
and absent from my pockets.
%
I was born on Labor Day.
My birthstone is a grindstone.
%
What's so bad about being in denial?
It's comfy here.
%
Life is just a game ... and I believe the fix is in.
%
I once dated a witch.
But just for a spell.
%
I've decided <u>not</u> to get married.
I wonder who the lucky girl is?
%
This TV show targets the 18 to 35 group.
Dunno if that is age or IQ.
%
I don't know if I can live on my income.
The IRS won't let me try it.
%
All the world's a stage.
And I got stuck playing me.
%
I tried to face the music.
But it was all in surround sound.
%
It's not what you know, nor who you know.
It's what you know about who.
%
I gave up trying to win the game of life long ago.
Now I just try to keep the point spread low.
%
I think ... therefore I worry.
%
Another cable bill?!?!?
I haven't finished reading the last one!
%
I finally figured out what my last words will be.
Now I have to constantly repeat them the rest of my life.
%
My diet seems to be working.
I'm almost down to what I didn't want to get up to.
%
There is a big spill from a 18-wheeler full of cheese.
All of the major arteries on the north side are clogged.
%
I was turning my life around.
Then I suddenly got rear-ended.
%
My attorney sure went the last mile for me.
However, he did charge me by the foot.
%
I'm trying to avoid a mid-life crisis.
I need to save something for the semi-finals.
%
Whenever I'm in the mood to watch the world go by,
I set my cruise control to the posted speed limit.
%
I wonder why I did so poorly on the stress test.
I'd been cramming for it my whole life!
%
I may be over the hill, but I took the scenic route.
%
I get a little bit saved up for a rainy day,
and then along comes El Niño.
%
I finally balanced my checking account.
But I was forced to use irrational numbers.
%
I stepped back to get things into perspective.
Before I knew it, I was out of the picture.
%
I bought some shrink resistant shirts.
Oh, they do shrink. They just don't want to.
%
I check my child's alphabet soup in case there are 4-letter words in it.
%
Tact is the ability to tell a man he has an open mind,
when he has a hole in his head.
%
The U.S. divorce rate is climbing.
There's now far less time between I do and adieu.
%
Just received my dental bill.
Now I know the meaning of 'Put your money where your mouth is'.
%
My phone company adds bogus long distant calls to my bill.
They're hoping to make me seem more popular.
%
My wife still has an hour-glass figure.
But most of the sand is on the PM. side.
%
There are enough 'soaps' on TV already.
What's needed are disinfectants!
%
It's surprising how little I look like me.
%
I have special folders for all my divorce papers.
I call them The Ex-files.
%
My wife didn't exactly say I make her feel younger.
It was more like I set her back twenty years.
%
Being a self-made man is all well and good.
But if I had to do it all over again, I would seek a little help.
%
Each time congress hammers out some legislation, we get nailed.
%
Brilliance runs in my family.
But, in a zig-zag pattern,
%
I bought a pair of running shoes.
Haven't seen them since.
%
My old TV was already an interactive TV.
I would turn it on and it would turn me off.
%
My old employer found a way to give something back to the community.
It&nbsp;was me.
%
You can't show any proof that other people cannot read your mind.
%
The Information Age turned into the Disinformation Age real fast.
%
First we upsized, then we downsized, then we rightsized, finally we capsized.
%
I had to give up my life in the fast lane.
It was all the rear-end accidents.
%
They showed an <u>awful</u> movie on my last flight to Miami.
Fifteen people walked out.
%
No wonder the world's a mess.
God built it starting on a Monday.
%
My psychiatrist says I fear success.
She also said I have nothing to worry about.
%
I've <u>more</u> than kept my youthful physique.
In fact, I've doubled it.
%
I'm seeking employment, but not necessarily work.
%
I guess my nest egg will never hatch unless I stop pecking at it.
%
My supervisor said I was a cornerstone of the company.
Then I learned they're going to start cutting corners.
%
My health care doesn't cover my skin ... or its contents.
%
I didn't drop out of the rat race.
I was trampled by the racers.
%
Marco Polo went to China for herbs and spices.
You could call him a thyme traveler.
%
I've never had an accident.
The way I drive, it's never an accident.
%
I've become semi-retired.
I now go in to work, but don't do anything.
%
Whenever I think the world is going too fast, I go to the DMV.
%
I just consolidated all my financial obligations into one giant nightmare.
%
Pain is just nature's way of reminding you who's in charge.
%
My future seems to be behind schedule.
%
Their marriage was made in heaven.
But the arrangements were handled by that other place.
%
My childhood had an unhappy ending. I grew up.
%
I feel a church with a lightning rod on its steeple reflects a lack of confidence.
%
I was 6 when I discovered I didn't have to eat alphabet soup alphabetically.
%
My budget has stretch marks.
%
Once I got to greener pastures, I was unable to climb the fence.
%
I once tried life in the fast lane.
But I was too annoyed by all that honking behind me.
%
She says I have but two faults.
All that I say, and all that I do.
%
The Palindrome Society's buffet will serve Regal Lager.
%
My dogma was just run over by my karma.
%
According to what my insurance covers,
I can't possibly have what I think I have.
%
I hate it when the hospital gown is more upwardly mobile than I am.
%
The postage for a letter from N.Y.C. to L.A. isn't too costly.
After all, it works out to be just about a penny per day.
%
My health insurance rejected the claim.
Seems stupidity is a pre-existing condition.
%
What a relief!
The boss said I'd be the first to know about any layoffs.
%
I was married to my job -- until it ran off with a younger man.
%
My lawyer has never given me bad advice.
Nope. He <u>sells</u> it to me.
%
I sought the latest dope on Wall Street.
It was me.
%
The bank's new ATM is quite advanced.
But I don't need the laugh track when I deposit my pay check.
%
She wanted foreign cuisine.
So I suggested dutch.
%
I try to remain completely uninformed.
I like being prepared when called for jury duty.
%
I will never have a mid-life crisis.
I'd have to have a life to begin with.
%
My lay-about brother is a couch potato.
I refer to his kids as Tater Tots.
%
I'm beginning to question my wife's commitment.
She got all my birthday gifts at a rental shop.
%
My wife proclaims there a 2 sides to every question.
Otherwise I wouldn't be wrong all the time.
%
I can navigate by the stars.
I once followed Julia Roberts for 4 blocks.
%
I always read the birth announcements --
to see if anyone I know was born today.
%
They have birthday cards out already and it's nowhere near my birthday.
%
I've been self employed for years.
If I'm going to work for an idiot, I may as well work for myself.
%
I can't suffer from burnout.
I was never on fire.
%
My revolving charge account turned on me.
%
The company wants to get rid of all the deadwood.
Sadly, middle management is The Petrified Forest.
%
The artificial intelligence machines have come a long way.
They are now cheating on writing assignments.
%
Marriage is a two-way street -- thus explaining all the head-on collisions.
%
It's said that love is entirely a matter of chemistry.
That explains why women treat me like toxic waste.
%
A splendid idea! The History Of Toasters as a pop-up book.
%
After many years of marriage, my wife still thinks I'm Mr. Right.
And that my first name is Never.
%
Every time I watch the six o'clock news,
I wonder if the world will make it to the 10 o'clock news.
%
My doctor has a novel way of doing a stress test.
He shows you your bill.
%
Usually life just passes me by.
Other times it just rams me from behind.
%
The Adopt-A-Highway program looks interesting.
I think I'll adopt East Street.
%
I couldn't get health coverage because of a pre-existing condition.
I'm broke.
%
I was concerned about the single payer health plan.
Out of 330 million, I feared they'd pick me.
%
Of course I'm responsible.
At my last job they blamed me for everything.
%
OUR REGULAR CAKES: $6.66
UPSIDE DOWN CAKES: $9.99
%
My family life was like one of those '50s &amp; '60s TV shows.
The Twilight Zone.
%
It often seems the wheels of justice need realignment.
%
She said she'd date me again if I played my cards right --
that is, my VISA card, my MasterCard, my AMEX card,...
%
My love life? They drew a chalk outline around it.
%
I was a kid in the time where kids were blamed for everything.
Now I'm an adult where adults are blamed for everything.
%
That new movie received numerous thumbs up.
I have a different digit in mind.
%
My cable company is a speed bump on the information superhighway.
%
My girlfriend doesn't care about material things.
She says she wouldn't marry me if I were the richest man on earth.
%
My wife says we need to talk.
I wonder what I did wrong?
%
Cryptocurrency is a lot like Dungeons and Dragons.
I know it's popular but I don't understand it.
%
If I had invested $1000 into Bitcoin,
I would still have no idea how it works.
%
My friend detests German cuisine.
He fears the wurst.
%
I've lost 2 pounds on that new Fourteen-Day Diet.
Tomorrow will be day forty-two.
%
The way to make a small fortune in cryptocurrency is to start with a large one.
%
The Force -- holding everything together -- has a dark side, and a light side.
It's sort of like cosmic duct tape.
%
Nothing astonishes folks so much as common sense and plain dealing.
%
Some thief stole my CD music collection.
I did not call The Police, since they broke up in the '80s.
%
I should sing happy songs when faced with problems.
However my voice is far worse than any imaginable problem.
%
Hamburger Helper sometimes fails.
The hamburger has to be ready and willing to accept that it needs help.
%
In the syllabus for my college literature class:
PLAGIARISM NOT ALLOWED.&nbsp; DERIVE CAREFULLY.
%
My 'Long Life' secret is 10 glasses of water per day.
That's what it takes to swallow all my pills.
%
Sometimes it's the cellphone in my pocket vibrating.
Sometimes it's just gas.
%
My bucket list for places I'll go before I die:
... 8) Doctor's Clinic&nbsp; 9) Hospital&nbsp; 10) Hospice care
%
Top-posting!
> What's the most annoying thing on the internet?
%
My blind date told me she was a child psychologist.
Fooled me. I thought she was at least 35.
%
They tell me it's impossible. That it can't be done. That I'll fail.
And, most times, they're right.
%
Nothing makes a person more productive than the last minute.
%
I drink in moderation.
Moderation is surprisingly easy to overdo.
%
Yahoo has released its own search engine.
For more info, type "yahoo search engine" into Google.
%
My wife told me I was childish. I was speechless.
It's hard to talk with a mouth stuffed full of Gummy Bears.
%
We haven't found a solution for climate change yet.
But, we're definitely getting warmer.
%
How many U.S. politicians does it take the solve climate change?
Trick question! U.S. politicians can't solve anything.
%
In my youth I would put on a cologne - lightly.
Now I put on lidocaine patches - heavily.
%
Trump's Presidency was like climate change.
Worse &amp; worse day by day and Republicans denying it.
%
I paid five dollars for a weather app on my phone....
I got 2 dollars &amp; 15 cents back in climate change.
%
My cat deleted my homework.
%
I haven't always believed in climate change
But I'm warming up to the theory.
%
Our bachelor friend had us over for a dinner party.
He even set out the good sporks.
%
I have a pet rock, and he is an excellent golfer.
His favorite course is Pebble Beach.
%
"Urology clinic. Can you hold?"
%
I constantly over commit myself.
So, I enrolled in a time management course.
%
I hate it when newbies in the gym hog my favorite machines.
Specifically - the vending machines.
%
I'm at that age where I don't have a nightlife..
I have a mid-afternoon life.
%
I don't understand how they get cubic centimeters into round bottles.
%
My friend's wife claims she saved a bundle on a new car.
I can't afford for my wife to save me that much money.
%
Yikes! A gray cat crossed my path.
It'll one year of just average luck.
%
I'm eternally grateful that wrinkles don't hurt.
%
We're sorry. Your call cannot be completed as dialed.
Huh? Pushing the buttons is the only way I know to dial.
%
I finally remembered that password!
Now I forget what website I needed it for.
%
Well, I guess I really am out of shape.
I got winded just putting on my socks.
%
I ate breakfast at the new Mexican restaurant.
They served me Huevos Rancheerios.
%
Apparently money has ghosted me.
%
My wife is not talking to me, and I'm not about to interrupt her.
%
How can they have a highlight show after losing 35 to zero?
%
Never believe anything in politics until its official denial.
%
The problem with socialism is that you eventually run out of other people's money.
%
Giving money &amp; power to government is like giving whiskey &amp; car keys to teenage boys.
%
My wife and I used to play strip poker. Fun!
Now, with 3 young kids, we play chore poker.
%
I've thought some about the manner of my eventual death.
I'd like to go out like I came in -- kicking, wailing, and making a fuss!
%
They say everything happens for a reason.
In my case, most often, it was stupidity and bad decisions.
%
My wife was told she had a benign growth.
She thought the doctor was referring to me.
%
I vowed to do 12 marathons this year -- 1 a month.
Next up is the Bob Newhart Show marathon on cable.
%
There's one advantage to 'fast' food.
You'll get your order in before they raise prices again.
%
The menu said $18.50 for the Death By Chocolate dessert.
So I ordered just enough for a coma.
%
I used to have snow tires. They melted in the Spring.
We don't need to discuss my wood stove.
%
Our gardener suddenly quit.
He just threw in the trowel.
%
My husband gave me 10 red roses.
He's really into the metric system.
%
My weight loss resolution forced some changes.
I switched from Oreos to Thin Mints.
%
The Oxford Dictionary added some new words and I'm surprised.
They still have dictionaries?!?!
%
Each time I talk with with my wife, I am reminded:
This conversation is being recorded for training and quality purposes.
%
My health insurance is giving me the <i>runaround</i>.
It's their plan to get me into an <i>active lifestyle</i>.
%
I've reached a milestone in life where errands now count as 'going out'.
%
My first car's license plate was embossed with roman numerals.
%
I asked my doctor for her opinion on fiber supplements.
She replied, I never Metamucil I didn't like.
%
I was going to buy a book on phobias.
But I feared it would not help me.
%
<font size=5>&sung;&sung;</font> Nobody knows the trouble I've seen. <font size=5>&sung;&sung;</font>
-- because they keep edging away before I finish telling them.
%
I made money by yodeling in my spare time.
How, you ask? People pay me to stop.
%
Ever feel like life is a blender and you left the top off?
%
Maybe I should start learning from my mistakes.
I should be a genius in no time.
%
Skinny people are funny. Their pants keep falling down.
I knew a kid so skinny that all he could wear was a hat.
%
I have one of the earliest Social Security cards.
It's filled out in roman numerals.
%
3.14% of sailors are . . . <font size=4><b>&pi;</b></font>-rates.
%
Sure, I can do math in my head!
I use imaginary numbers.
%
A college friend was obsessed with finding ever larger prime numbers.
I wonder what he's up to now.
%
I got a three foot long ruler at a yard sale.
%
The recipe said: apples, five cubed.
125 apples sounds like a lot of apples for a pie.
%
Did you hear the news about the statistician?
Probably.
%
Saw a radioactive cat.
It's got eighteen half-lives.
%
Lady, "We hear pretty girls don't pay for drinks here."
Bartender, "That is correct. Here's your bill."
%
Sometimes you meet someone and you have a tingling feeling.
You sense you want to spend your whole life without them.
%
Maybe I should grow a beard.
The razor keeps nicking my wrinkles.
%
I was going to write a book on how to self motivate.
But it probably would take a lot of effort.
%
When I try to read the stars, all I get are full stops.
%
My second childhood would've been more fun,
if I hadn't done it in my first body.
%
I knew a guy so skinny he had to step on the scales twice to weigh himself.
%
<b>LORENZ'S LAW OF MECHANICAL REPAIR</b>
Once your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.
%
<b>BELL'S THEOREM</b>
When the body is immersed in water, the telephone rings.
%
<b>BREDA'S RULE</b>
At any event, the people whose seats are farthest from the aisle arrive last.
%
I saw my math teacher with a piece of graph paper yesterday.
I fear he must be plotting something.
%
The geometry teacher was absent today.
She sprained her angle.
%
I'm looking for music on my car radio that pairs well with road rage.
%
I asked my anthropology classmate if she would date me.
Supposedly I'm somewhere between Neanderthal and Cro-Magnon.
%
You never know what you can't do until you fail.
%
I argued with a 90&deg; angle.
It turns out it was right.
%
https:&hairsp;//Conjunct&igrave;v&igrave;t&igrave;s.org/
Now that's a site for sore eyes.
%
Someone stole my thesaurus.
I just cannot describe my anger now!
%
The world champion tongue twister was just convicted.
He was given a really tough sentence.
%
When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
%
I've been happily married for four years -- out of a total of ten.
%
I can handle pain until it hurts.
%
A horse walks into a bar.
The bartender says, "Why the long face?"
%
Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
%
No one turned up to the first meeting of my Sarcasm Club.
Even though everybody said, "Oh, Yeah! I'll be there!"
%
IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
%
One snowman asks another, Do you smell carrots?
%
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
%
My favorite part of a marathon is watching the reaction of runners who grab my plastic cups of vodka.
%
The nice thing about dementia is you can hide your own Easter eggs.
%
Women can't find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking.
That's because those men already have boyfriends.
%
I heard a great joke about amnesia but I forgot it.
%
You kill vegetarian vampires with a steak to the heart.
%
He who smiles in a crisis knows of someone to blame.
%
A baseball walks into a bar, and the bartender throws it out.
%
Apparently, dishonesty is the second-best policy.
%
Silence is golden. Duct tape is silver.
%
The scarecrow received a plaque for being outstanding in his field.
%
Every married person should forget their mistakes.
There's no point in two people remembering the same thing.
%
Bigfoot is sometimes confused with Sasquatch.
But Yeti never complains.
%
As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in schools.
%
The therapist I need to see specializes in rejection issues.
Unfortunately, she's not accepting any new patients.
%
A cop was crying while he was writing me a ticket.
I asked him why and he said, It's a moving violation.
%
Here in North Dakota we have four seasons:
Almost winter, winter, still winter, and road construction.
%
My dim-witted cousin couldn't dial 911.
He couldn't find the eleven key.
%
Wall poster: Gambling problem? Call 1-800-GAMBLER.
So I called, I have an ace and a six. The dealer has a seven. What do I do?
%
I accidentally stabbed myself with a meat thermometer.
I looked at the dial and it said. WELL DONE, TURKEY.
%
U.S.A. is number 1.
It's the country code for international dialing.
%
My favorite Winter sport is hiking in Hawaii.
%
I'm told to enjoy each day as if it were my last.
Unfortunately, the last day I had was really wretched.
%
I always dress in layers for the cold in Winter,
and for air-conditioned buildings in the Summer.
%
Got a Time Management book as a gift.
Now to find the time to read it...
%
It is said the All The World Is A Stage.
The light in my APPLAUSE prompter must be burnt out.
%
I blog, therefore I am.
%
I doubt, therefore, I might be.
%
Just finished my autobiography, My Life As A Whistleblower.
I was a lifeguard.
%
I don't have the time, nor enough crayons, to explain it to you.
%
I have a lot of muscle memory.
My muscles all remember how they used to work.
%
The spirit may be willing,
but the flesh covers bones that'll snap like uncooked spaghetti.
%
I'm concerned that we have too many math teachers in our subdivision.
%
Why do smoke alarm batteries only die in the middle of the night?
%
I got my looks from my father.
Mostly disappointment, frustration, and annoyance.
%
I thought about moving south after my retirement.
But I realized most of my body parts already had.
%
Common sense is <u>so rare</u> these days.
It should be considered a superpower.
%
There are only two types of people in the world.
There are those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.
%
Whoa!! <b>That</b> is a memory I should keep repressed!
%
Like a midget at a urinal, I'll have to stay on my toes.
%
Venison, that's deer.
%
A week ago I swallowed an ice cube.
But it hasn't passed yet.
%
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers, and says, Five beers please.
%
A bear passes a hiker in the woods.
%
Unemployment isn't working.
%
I don't wear a watch, because I like my arms to weigh the same.
%
The magical tractor turned into a field.
%
I think they named oranges before they name carrots.
%
Why do farts smell?
So deaf people can enjoy them too.
%
I only drink to make <b>other</b> people more interesting.
%
Dwarfs and midgets have very little in common.
%
Dying is a once in a lifetime experience.
%
I'm watching my neighbor through the blinds.
He's so creepy.
%
Why do blind people walk their dogs so much?
%
You have a face for radio.
%
Excuse me, but does this smell like chloroform to you?
%
I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.
%
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
%
The reason blind people don't skydive?
It scares the hell out of their seeing eye dog.
%
I spilled spot remover on my dog, now he's gone.
%
A note on my old 6th grade report card:
Your son is trying. Very.
%
Call me an archaeologist because my life's in ruins.
%
Call me a geologist because I've hit rock bottom.
%
Technically, alcohol is a solution.
%
I'm not a very good magician.
I constantly lose rabbits and handkerchiefs.
%
First there was the pocket watch -- then next the wrist watch.
Then we had the <i>smart</i> pocket watch, and now the <i>smart</i> wrist watch.
%
I got in trouble for bringing a goat to Take Your Kid To Work.
%
Salads I make are always on the dry side.
That's something which definitely needs addressing.
%
For a career you should try Search and Rescue.
They're always looking for people.
%
I have a North Korean pen-pal that seems quite happy.
His letters always say he can't complain.
%
I was so surprised when the stationary store moved.
%
I was fired from the <b>M&amp;M</b> factory for throwing out all the W's.
%
I need constant reassurance. Isn't that right?
%
I asked my doctor for a vasectomy.
He said with my face, I don't need one.
%
I wear a necklace so I can tell if I'm upside down.
%
Half of all Americans are torsos.
%
I don't have a girlfriend.
But I know a lady that would get really mad if she heard that.
%
The last person alive will not have a funeral.
%
On Friday The 13th, avoid ladders, black cats and ridiculous superstitions.
%
Friday The 13th is still better than Monday the whatever.
Please forgive my week sense of humor.
%
Number 13: I am the worst number in the world.
Number 666: Like hell you are.
Number 2020: Hold my beer...!
%
Well!! Won't <b>this</b> make for a great story tomorrow!
%
The party usually held on Friday The 13th is a search party.
%
A small ATM room with 2 AC's and 4 tubelights - running 24 hours a day.
The ATM is asking me to not print the receipt and save the environment.
%
Tired of being told to turn off the lights and save the environment.
Tried it once and nearly killed some guy on a bicycle.
%
My job has this cool feature where, if you do your job well,
you get to do other people's jobs, too.
%
I couldn't be lazier if I tried.
%
After I spoke to my financial adviser I slept like a baby.
I woke up every hour and cried.
%
I have a really bad stock broker.
I asked her to buy AOL stock and she asked me the ticker symbol.
%
Every financial adviser is an expert!
They'll know tomorrow why the things they predicted yesterday didn't happen today.
%
Two nuclear technicians got married.
The bride was radiant and the groom was glowing!
%
I received a gift that'll take 10 stokes of my golf score.
It's an eraser.
%
Kept being told I have no initiative.
I should look that word up.
%
As an introvert, I was more open to those around me today.
My fly was unzipped.
%
If you followed me on Twitter, you'd know what this joke was.
%
My grandson refers to himself now as a Junior Citizen.
%
I got kicked out of the Boy Scouts.
I wasn't prepared for <i>that.</i>
%
My addiction to myth is my Achilles Heel.
%
Why is no one ever just the right amount of whelmed?
%
If I tell you I don't know what I'm talking about,
I know what I'm talking about.
%
I swore I'd never go spelunking again.
But eventually I caved in.
%
Trash men don't go through any training.
They just pick it up as they go along.
%
Learn sign language - it's pretty handy.
%
I didn't know it was National Awareness Week.
%
There's a child in Africa that I feed, clothe, educate and vaccinate for 75 cents a day.
But that is nothing compared to how much it cost to send him there.
%
The Darwin awards had some pretty stiff competition in 2020 and again in 2021.
%
I wish I had 10 friends just like you.
Unfortunately I have over 100.
%
I was going to met my architect friends for drinks.
But they all had plans.
%
I tried to buy a conveyor belt divider bar at the grocery.
But the checker kept putting it back.
%
I couldn't pay my water bill.
The water dept. sent me a Get Well Soon card.
%
My wife says I'm obsessed with alliteration.
She says some seriously stupid stuff sometimes.
%
I don't mean to show off but I'm a flasher.
%
If you knock down a policeman, they'll get backup.
%
It was a shocking experience to hire the cheapest electrician.
%
I was told to not use my calculator for the math exam.
Bummer! I was really counting on it.
%
My pet chameleon can no longer change colors.
He has reptile dysfunction.
%
Time wounds all heels.
%
My knowledge of vitiligo is patchy.
%
I bought a pair of tortoiseshell shoes.
It took me six hours to walk home.
%
Describing myself in 3 words:&nbsp; Innumerate
%
My sister says her handwriting class is a great way to meet illegible bachelors.
%
I went from statist to libertarian in the 5 hours it took to get my license at the DMV.
%
Never underestimate the power of pity.
It made me the man I am today.
%
I saw a man faint on the airport luggage carousel.
But he slowly came around.
%
There's a new show on NPR all about gyms.
It's called Weight ... Weight ... Don't Tell Me!
%
Advent calendars...... their days are numbered.
%
Why do we call them olives and not Greece's Pieces.
%
They just are not making 12 inch rulers any longer.
%
My wife asked me if I'd seen the cat bowl.
Gosh! I didn't even know he could.
%
If I had some bacon, I could have bacon and eggs.
If I had some eggs.
%
I stole a Neighborhood Watch sign just to prove a point.
%
I try to be self-deprecating, but I'm not very good at it.
%
Why do I feel the need to question everything?
%
My super power is incompetence.
%
I have an all or nothing approach to exercise.
Most days it's nothing.
%
My recliner and I go way back.
%
I retired as a lighthouse keeper.
I still get flashbacks every few seconds.
%
A new study finds 6 out of 7 dwarfs are not Happy.
%
The development of corduroy hats will make headlines.
%
To the person who cut in line, I'm after you now!
%
I haven't made love since tennis season.
%
Two Irish friends set out to write a song.
Unfortunately, they couldn't get past the first two bars.
%
She didn't marry me for my money.
She married me for my company's health plan.
%
sigh...&nbsp; The Good Old Days were long before my time.
%
Inside every little problem there's a big one waiting to get out.
%
I remember learning something as a youth in Sunday School.
Some jokes about turning the other cheek you can't tell there.
%
Enough with the personal pronouns!
It's my personal adjectives I'm sensitive about.
%
My DNA evaluation just came back.
I'm 49% Irish, 49% Greek, and 2% micro-plastics.
%
I would ask for a cost-of-living raise,
but they know I have no life.
%
If you boil a funny bone, you'll get laughing stock.
Isn't that just too humerus?
%
It would take two of me to feel worse.
%
You're up early.
How bold of you to assume I've slept.
%
When they finally discover the center of the universe,
a lot of people will be disappointed they are not it.
%
SIGH... It's a Monday kind of Tuesday.
%
I didn't realize I needed new glasses until I got a high definition TV.
%
Now and then I just have to walk amuck.
%
Mirror, mirror on the wall ...
where did I go wrong?
%
We have a nice, quiet life together.
That's pretty much it on our budget.
%
I tried to buy a smart phone.
They made me take an IQ test.
%
I say it's her overspending.
She says it's my underearning.
%
I'm not going to work today because of the flu.
No, not me. Everyone else in the office has it
%
The world is my oyster.
And I'm allergic to shellfish.
%
The food was good, but the service was very slow.
I got hungry again waiting for the check.
%
It's so hard listening to my mother-in-law.
It's is like watching a 3D movie without the glasses.
%
Tomorrow is my wife's birthday.
What are you getting for her?
Make me an offer.
%
My husband ran off with my now, new best friend.
When I find out who she is, I'd like to thank her.
%
I don't believe in horoscopes.
As a Capricorn, I tend to be skeptical.
%
Her meal melted in my mouth ... as it defrosted.
%
Expiration dates are irrelevant for fruitcakes.
%
<b>Hail!</b>&nbsp; Snow on steroids.
%
My boss didn't say it was my fault.
He merely said he was blaming me.
%
With this inflation, it takes more money to be broke.
%
Gas is so high I can't even afford to fill up my lawn mower.
%
They were out of tomatoes.
So my BLT was bacon, lettuce, and turnips.
%
Chocolate is my kryptonite.
%
These are my peak earning years.
Also my family's peak spending years.
%
%
What do you think about the skyrocketing cost of health care?
It's enough to make you sick.
%
They bleeped the guy on TV so many times it sounded like Morse code.
%
Climate change!
June bugs in May, and Mayflies in June.
%
My inferiority complex could be better...
%
Most of the lines at the store are 10 Items Or Less.
With current inflation, who can afford more?
%
I think my grandmother has been re-incarnated.
She's 39 years old, but she remembers things from 50 years ago.
%
What do I have against the younger generation?
That I'm no longer a part of it!
%
My friend - in perfect health - has passed away.
I guess he died of nothing.
%
I'm working on my six-pack.
So far I'm five cans short.
%
An optimist would think my gas tank is half full.
A pessimist would think it's half empty.
I think it'll cost more to fill up than last time.
%
I gave my husband a gift for his golf game.
A compass.
%
I won't go see any of the Spider-Man movies.
I have arachnophobia.
%
Due to an accident, I will not be in to work today.
When I say today, I mean tomorrow, because I'm writing this yesterday.
%
She says it's her prerogative to not remember her age.
But when I forget her birthday, all heck breaks loose.
%
I'll have you know I come from humble beginnings.
And it seems I'll have a humble ending, too.
%
There are some things money can't buy.
And that's why we have credit cards.
%
Status Quo is Latin for the mess we're in.
%
I didn't get much sleep last night.
But I did get in a few hours of anxiety.
%
I think; therefore I don't sleep.
%
I left all my worries on my doorstep.
Today someone uploaded them all to the dark web.
%
There's just nothing quite like a good cup of coffee.
And, this ain't nothing like a good cup of coffee.
%
I've gotta be me.
Everyone else has already been taken.
%
There's a reason it's called a <b>math problem</b>, not a <b>math opportunity!</b>
%
I did a double major in art and logic.
I wanted to draw my own conclusions.
%
I was cut from the school football team.
The coach said he had no need for a drawback.
%
In the game of life, I've never been able to come up with the entry fee.
%
All the weight I gained!
It's true what they say: The Old Weighs Are The Best.
%
In a world where imitation is the sincerest form of flattery,
there's just <i>nobody</i> like me.
%
I have a hybrid car.
Half belongs to me. Half belongs to the bank.
%
We only go around once, and I don't corner worth a damn.
%
I know history repeats itself.
But it's starting to look like a blooper reel.
%
My problem is supply-side gastronomics.
%
None of my psychological therapy was effective.
I think I'm shrink resistant.
%
I know the key to success.
It just doesn't fit my ignition.
%
On some days my highway of life is just a traffic circle.
%
Dieting is following the path of <i>feast resistance</i>.
%
First my assets were frozen, then liquidated, and finally they evaporated.
%
Dogs must be on leashes.
Gentlemen must wear neckties.
%
I'm undergoing humility training.
I'm letting the TV insult my intelligence.
%
I do a 30 minute workout every morning.
My wife calls it Getting Out Of Bed.
%
Natural selection was working so well until OSHA got involved.
%
Once I was in the right place at the right time, but in the wrong line.
%
I'm a procrastinator who lives life to the fullest.
I live each day as if it's my next-to-last.
%
For years she nagged me to be dependable and reliable.
Now she complains because I'm too predictable.
%
Each time I let my conscience be my guide,
I get picked up for vagrancy.
%
I'm not fooling anybody but myself?
Well, that's a start!
%
<b>Therapist</b> (N.), An emotional baggage handler.
%
My congressman has nothing to fear from the Thought Police.
%
On my last vacation getting there was half the funds.
%
I got in touch with my inner child.
Now my invisible friend is jealous.
%
I only wanted a job so I could get into the World Series Pool.
%
History was a lot more fun once I started thinking of it as gossip.
%
Parole is the period at the end of a sentence.
%
It was not opportunity.
It <u>kicked in</u> the door!
%
Someone stole my identity.
I wonder whatever for....
%
My work history contains a lot of geography.
%
Traveling in a time machine:
Are we then yet?
%
I called the Procrastinator's hotline.
Their hold music is the Unfinished Symphony.
%
I've got nobody to blame except myself.
That just doesn't sound fair!
%
I give one hundred percent to my job --
at about 2 percent per week,
%
On the bright side, some of my neuroses will make great computer games.
%
If money did grow on trees,
you can bet the IRS would be out on a limb.
%
My last animal crackers box only had dinosaurs.
Should've checked the expiration date.
%
I asked my lady friend to go dutch last night.
She called it an unfunded man date.
%
My grade school teacher made us color inside the lines.
She retired and went to work for the border patrol.
%
My brother is a door-to-door stand-up comedian.
He does mostly knock-knock jokes.
%
It's bad enough when life throws me a curve.
But I'm really annoyed by the bean balls.
%
To admit defeat, press nine.
%
I have a parliamentary cold.
Sometime the eyes have it. Sometimes the nose.
%
I feel so out of it these days.
Nobody says Out Of It anymore.
%
Passive-aggressive management style:
Keep up the good work, or else.
%
I decide not to travel abroad because of the dollar.
I don't have any.
%
I never knew how bad a golfer I was, until someone else kept the score.
%
I often go the extra mile.
Usually because of a wrong turn.
%
My child can count to ten.
But not in any order.
%
A hypochondriac friend actually got sick recently.
Should it be a Get Well card, or Congratulations card?
%
My bowling ball has an embedded clock.
I let the good times roll.
%
Here's a clever trick:
Always put a decoy sock in the wash.
%
I always run out of money before I run out of month.
%
Because of snowflake DNA, no two snowmen are exactly alike.
%
I was at the right place, but I slept through the right time.
%
I was informed I had my shoes on the wrong feet.
That can't be! I don't have any other feet!
%
I used to think all college administrators were named Dean.
%
I had to take my small business and go global.
No one around here will do business with me.
%
I wish I could use keys on my keyboard in real life.
Like ESCAPE, DELETE, and CONTROL.
%
I took my date to the aviary yesterday.
It was a cheep date.
%
She said I was the snooze alarm on her biological clock.
%
If I was a self-starter, my wife would not need to be the crank.
%
An opossum is just an Irish possum.
%
On the highway of life, I cannot maintain the minimum speed.
%
Just when I finally got a grip on things, the handle broke off.
%
I definitely need new batteries for my biological clock.
%
A cow's cud is just Déjà chew.
%
So many people have trouble with their finances.
Money talks, but it does not give directions.
%
I had the flying dream again.
And, again, I could not get past security.
%
It was bad enough getting cheated out of my life savings.
What was humiliating was getting it back in small claims court.
%
I seem to be on the highway of life,
but just in a sightseeing bus.
%
The market is going through what I call A Mad Dow Disease.
%
As soon as the economy grinds to a complete halt, I'll jump back on.
%
My wife's recipes look good on the computer.
But, when she makes a hard copy......
%
I could never recapture my youth.
It has too big a head start.
%
I was never any good with word problems.
Now it gets me out of jury duty.
%
The president of the Palindrome Society drives a Civic.
Or, is it maybe a Toyota?
%
I'm not expecting buns of steel.
I just want to get the lead out.
%
Transition teams turn campaign pledges into broken promises.
%
My husband ignores me when he watches ESPN.
So, I renewed his subscription.
%
It won't be long before we have fully autonomous vehicles.
To be followed by C&amp;W songs about a guy being left by his pickup truck.
%
My mother-in-law is a terrible cook.
Her Hamburger Helper quit.
%
I gave my husband the silent treatment for an entire week.
After 7 days he exclaimed, We're getting along great lately!
%
How many divorced men does it take to change a light bulb?
It's a moot question. They never get the house anyway.
%
I find it impossible to stick to my diet.
But, I get a lot of exercise beating myself up.
%
Am I the only one that realizes New Year's is really just 52 more Mondays?
%
Fortune tellers are so easy to buy clothes for.
They are all mediums.
%
Do you ever lie on the ground and look up at the stars
--- after security tackles you?
%
There's a problem with jogging.
By the time you realize you're not in shape for it,
it's too far to walk back.
%
Even if I had been an only child,
I wouldn't've been Mom and Dad's favorite.
%
I quit my job working for Nike.
I just couldn't <i>do it</i> anymore.
%
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?
Are they afraid someone will go in and clean them?
%
I had to ask my buddy how long he'd been wearing a bra!
"Ever since my wife found it in the glove compartment."
%
I almost broke my arm trying to hold open a revolving door for a woman.
%
I must be the most unobservant person in the world.
Well, maybe others are as unobservant and I just haven't noticed.
%
I didn't make any New Year's Resolutions this time.
But everybody else better have.
%
I'm told I should accept myself for who I am.
But I have higher standards than that.
%
I forgot to exercise today.
That's the 365th time this year.
%
Eventually I grew old enough to recognize that my dad was always right.
However, by then I had a son who thought I was always wrong.
%
There is no synonym for synonym.
However, there <u>is</u> an antonym for antonym.
%
My mind thinks I'm still 36.
Of course, my body thinks my mind is a idiot
%
An empty browser history reveals more than a full one.
%
He was both a crooked pro wrestler and an arsonist.
He was constantly throwing matches,
%
An optimist stays up until midnight to see the new year in.
A pessimist stays up to make sure the old year departs.
%
I've resolved to lead a better life.
Now I need to find someone who'll swap lives with me.
%
In your youth you're allowed to stay up for New Year's.
However, middle age is when you're forced to.
%
Why do birds fly south for the winter?
Because it's too far to walk.
%
We've been unable to keep pace with inflation.
In fact, yesterday it lapped us.
%
Perhaps I've piled on too much debt.
The credit card company's president called to thank me for my business.
%
I manage to always be stress-free.
I run.... run from all my problems.
%
The middle of my sentences always seem to interrupt the beginning of my mother-in-law's.
%
When I learned over half of accidental injuries occur at work,
I quit working.
%
It won't be long until it's Spring again.
It'll be too warm to grow frozen vegetables.
%
You don't make the big money off the smart people.
-- P.T. Barnum
%
My smart phone was getting pretty heavy lately.
Then I noticed I had 937 tabs open.
%
Eating onions and baked beans creates tear gas.
%
My girlfriend broke up with me over the phone.
Then I was asked to stay on the line for a brief survey.
%
I cannot erase the imagery.
A Christmas stocking filled with a severed foot.
%
Help me out here.
If <u>nobody</u> shows up on Monday, they can't fire all of us.
%
Whenever I'm asked a personal, inappropriate question, I reply,
You must have confused yourself with someone whose business that is.
%
I had a really good looking body when I was young.
I was proud of it -- so much so, I just kept adding to it.
%
If it wasn't for the Last Minute,
Congress wouldn't get anything done.
%
I like to be frank and earnest with women.
I'm Frank in Denver, and Earnest in San Diego.
%
My dog swallowed a quarter, so we went to the Vet.
The Vet made me cough up $225!
%
At my age I can proudly say I still got it.
Granted -- a lot less in some places, and a lot more in others.
%
Veni, Vidi, Visa!
I came, I saw, I charged!
%
There's a time and a place for spontaneity.
And I've got plans for that.
%
I am not an idiot.
But many folks think I do a good impression of one.
%
Our swim team suffered from a terrible lack of confidence,
combined with a terrible lack of ability
%
I asked the bookstore clerk, Where's the self-help section?
She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
%
Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.
%
It's morally wrong to allow a sucker to keep his money.
%
If you water it and it dies, it's a plant.
If you pull it out and it grows back, it's a weed.
%
When yogurt goes bad, how can you tell?
%
I take my wife to lots of places,
but she keeps finding her way back.
%
In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first.
%
If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?
%
If your knees bent the other way, what would a chair look like?
%
I was reminded that Santa's <u>reindeer</u> actually bring the presents.
<strike>Dear Santa, </strike> &nbsp; <b>Deer, Santa, </b>
%
I need to take a cue from my friends and live for the moment.
At this moment, the dishwasher needs emptying.
%
I attempted that diet technique where you use a smaller plate.
Didn't really work for me. The food kept falling off.
%
My girlfriend thinks a hockey coach has 4 wheels.
%
Just got back from a pleasure trip.
I took my mother-in-law to the airport.
%
The secret to a happy marriage is just that - a secret.
%
I call my dog Egypt.
Because he leaves little pyramids around the house.
%
A doctor gave a man 6 months to live.
The man couldn't pay his bill, so he was given another 6 months.
%
To drive someone crazy: send them a fax and on the top put page 2.
%
I stayed at an very elegant hotel.
Room service had an unlisted number!
%
Canada is like a loft apartment over a really nasty party.
%
She has a wash and wear bridal gown.
%
Why is bra singular and panties plural?
%
You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it.
%
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
%
Three years ago I bought a state-of-the-art computer.
Today it's eligible for The Antiques Roadshow.
%
My doctor wants to give me something for this pain.
I won't haggle, anything will be a welcome exchange.
%
Did you notice that Nancy Reagan never drank water when Ronnie was speaking.
%
I had gay burglars the other night.
They broke in and rearranged the furniture.
%
An apology is not an invitation to gloat.
%
I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years.
If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.
%
If we didn't have irreconcilable differences,
we wouldn't have anything in common.
%
Getting old wouldn't be so bad,
if it didn't strike at such a young age.
%
They've had human cloning in the South for years.
It's called cousins.
%
Cricket is basically baseball on Valium.
%
She possessed timeless good looks.
Her face could stop a clock.
%
Carpe per diem -- seize the check.
%
I will be attending a lecture tonight.
I'm having dinner with my mother-in-law.
%
If I gave up my bad habits,
I wouldn't have anything to do.
%
It can't be athlete's foot.
I'm not even good at sports.
%
The best part of computer chess?
[UNDO]
%
If life was a smorgasbord, I'd be the tofu.
%
My uncle was extremely poor.
He didn't leave a will; he left an apology note.
%
Well, it's certain then; I'm over the hill.
I just scanned the entire radio dial without finding a station with music I like.
%
As a young man I always looked at the world with wonder.
Now, I wonder what in the world I'm looking at.
%
My high school football team was a disaster.
At halftime our marching band would spell out <b>HELP</b>.
%
My 6-year old is becoming a problem.
I've told him a <u>million times</u> not to exaggerate.
%
It wasn't a good year for investments.
My 401-K is now a 201-K.
%
There's one thing that sets me apart from other businessmen.
It's the total lack of success...
%
I recycled all of my junk mail.
Sure enough, it's all back again.
%
You can roll long sleeves up,
but you can't roll short sleeves down.
%
The first thing I learned at work is don't sweat the little things.
The second thing I learned was there's no such thing as a little thing.
%
Why do they bother with 7-day weather forecasts?
They have enough trouble just with tomorrow.
%
If my wife had an unlimited budget, she'd exceed it.
%
Two roads diverged in a wood. I took the one less traveled.
It took a search and rescue team 2 days...
%
Sigh! I'm 350 in dog years.
%
My reality check bounced.
%
Of course Santa can be jolly.
He only works one day a year.
%
A telemarketer just put me on hold!
%
My wife and I have reached an understanding.
I don't try to run her life, and I don't try to run mine.
%
I give 100% at work every week.
20% on Monday, 20% on Tuesday, 20% on Wednesday, ....
%
I could listen to my wife talk for hours.
In fact, I usually have no choice.
%
I need to be more resistant to peer pressure.
At least, that's what all my friends tell me.
%
Food courts!
Where law-breaking food goes to trial.
%
My t-shirt is size XXL.
Those are Roman Numerals.
%
When a politician says, It goes without saying,
they never go without saying it.
%
If they made a movie of my life,
the soundtrack would probably be elevator music.
%
Men are from Mars, and women are from Venus.
But my old friend Chuck is just lost in space.
%
My college friend thought photosynthesis was an advanced art class.
%
When it's nasty out, they say, The weather is inclement.
But, when it's nice out, they never say it's clement.
%
It's easier to fool people than to convince them they <i>have</i> been fooled.
%
If you're going to lie about your age,
you need to memorize the year you <u>would've</u> been born in.
%
I'm a stay at home uncle.
%
So, you believe I avoid conflict?
Can we put this off until later?
%
I tried calling tech support for the Cable TV.
I could have gotten better help from a mime in a dark room.
%
The quality of TV programming is just crap these days.
If I didn't live here, I'd go home.
%
My last airline trip was very expensive.
They now charge for emotional baggage, too.
%
Some people drink from the fountain of knowledge.
Others just rinse and spit.
%
I found my last date on an online dating site.
She was in the RETURN section.
%
I added some annoying phone numbers to our DO NOT CALL list.
My wife is very upset because they're my in-laws.
%
We have a news report from the local nudist camp.
They are clothed for the Winter.
%
The potato chip bag was mislabeled: Six Servings.
It only contained one.
%
The most chilling words in customer service:
Dear Customer, In order to serve you better....
%
My boyfriend's family is so against us dating.
Most especially his wife.
%
There are only two options as I see it. Either I'm right,
or there's a conspiracy to conceal the fact that I'm right.
%
My health insurance premium just doubled.
Seems my age is now a pre-existing condition.
%
What I didn't like about the office Christmas Party
was looking for a job the next day.
%
Air pollution is really making us pay through the nose.
%
Me, Linda and I are no longer dating.
Linda, Jim, that's an awful way of telling people we're married.
%
If this is a service economy, why is the service so bad?
%
Shopping for clothes, I could not find my size at all.
Regrettably, I find I am now someone else's size.
%
Every movie ends the same way.
... with someone shaking me and saying, It's over!
%
Long ago I decided to try to make at least one person happy.
I picked me.
%
Is it exercise if you're carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders?
%
According to the newspaper, I get all my news from the internet.
%
My office just gave us all standing desks.
They are so hard to sleep at.
%
It's not true that duct tape fixes everything.
But, it does muffle their voice.
%
I have a hard time defining the line between boredom and hunger.
%
I would tell a joke about space, but it is too out of this world.
%
As a child I was told I would rarely use cursive.
Ha! I use it every day when food is delivered to my house.
%
The aliens made me comb my hair, blow my nose and straighten my clothes.
I had been abducted to the mothership.
%
A sign posted on the laundromat vending machine:
THIS MACHINE DOES NOT WORK BUT IS TAKING CASH DONATIONS
%
I named my daughter Helvetica. The doctor said, <b>Bold!</b>
I replied, No. Just Helvetica.
%
The least favorite typeface for the Bible is Helvetica.
It's the fount of all evil.
%
I received detention for only using uppercase letters.
Stupid capital punishment.
%
A best friend's job should be to clear your browser history if you die.
%
I've been looking for more jokes about aliens.
They must be out there somewhere.
%
I'm not drunk officer...
I'm just talking in cursive.
%
Ladies, if a man says he'll fix it, he will.
There's no need to remind him every 6 months.
%
I'd be unstoppable if not for law enforcement &amp; physics.
%
If we winked in real life as much as we do in text messages,
this world would be a pretty creepy place.
%
It was suggested I rewrite my resume.
... and leave out the UFO abduction.
%
I've been eating like I'm a much taller person.
%
The doctors said my husband was going to pull through.
Unfortunately, they couldn't save any of his money.
%
When my wife wants my opinion, she usually informs me what it is.
%
Protons have mass?
Never knew they were Catholic.
%
I recently moved to a new primary care doctor.
My new doctor has newer old magazines.
%
My wife says I have two faults:
I don't listen and something else.
%
Distributing flyers door to door is organized littering.
%
Grocery outlet stores are hospice for food.
%
The digit 5 feels like an even number.
That's odd.
%
Never attribute to malice what can adequately be explained by incompetence.
%
Medicare activists present stiff opposition in the removal of Viagra in the list of covered medications.
%
I work in a USPS high-volume mail sorting center.
Believe you me when I say I really push the envelope.
%
Sunsets are not free. You have to <i>pay</i> attention.
%
The brand name of my coffee creamer is Miralax.
%
Don't come to me for advice.
We'll just end up in a bar.
%
Wife said she was going to let her hair grow.
I did not know you could stop it.
%
That 8th grade incident with Betty Jo Hunsicker is still surprisingly raw.
%
The police asked me to describe the guy that assaulted me.
Ironically, that's what I was doing when he slugged me.
%
Mostly I win, but who's counting?
You, apparently.
%
You'd think I'd be in better shape;
considering how much I wrestle with my conscience.
%
I have a big phobia of hair.
I dreadlocks.
%
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
%
I have a phobia about the square root of 2.
It's just one of my irrational fears.
%
I have a phobia about playing cards.
But I'm dealing with it.
%
The Good News just keeps getting worse and worse.
%
My friends have been married 10 years and never had a fight.
Maybe I can help.
%
Just who are these Fact Checkers?
Aren't they being paid big money to be impartial and objective?
%
My boy tells me he hates girls.
But he said Linda will be the first he stops hating.
%
Here's a brief description of my golf game:
Humiliation without Dating.
%
Tried selling ice cream in Death Valley.
Fail! Everyone thought I was a mirage.
%
It's 3-alarm chili because that's how many smoke detectors it sets off.
%
I have a scrap book filled with expired coupons.
I've titled it Missed Opportunities.
%
Age improves with wine.
%
I have no idea what I'm doing.
And you can't stop me.
%
90 percent of being married is yelling <b>WHAT?</b> from other rooms.
%
Bigfoot saw me, but nobody believes him.
%
I don't mind getting older.
But my body is taking it badly.
%
I once was a people person, until people ruined it.
%
Just because I'm awake doesn't mean I'm ready to do things.
%
I don't have my ducks in a row.
I have squirrels and they're everywhere.
%
Am I working from home or living at work?
%
I often talk to myself.
Then we both laugh and laugh!
%
I've wasted too much time in self-loathing.
I could just kick myself!
%
I never tell dad jokes.
He never understands them.
%
Tis far better to have a good friend than wealth.
Of course, it's best to have a good, rich friend.
%
I have a deep fear of commitment.
Even my tattoos are temporary.
%
Don't attempt to solve all life's problems at once.
Learn to dread each day as it comes.
%
My Uncle is extremely religious.
He even says grace before chewing gum.
%
I'm too busy liking things too actually do anything myself.
%
There was once a king that was only 12 inches tall.
Terrible king, but a great ruler.
%
Ten years ago I thought the world had gone mad.
Now I yearn for that era of relative calm.
%
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads.
%
I made dinner with all fresh ingredients... except the nutmeg from 1978.
%
Over a lifetime, most people spend an average of one year sitting on the toilet.
%
My son is making me wear a wire to parent-teacher interviews.
%
United States Postal Service tracking:
Update 1: We're not sure it exists yet.
Update 2: It's arrived.
%
Another beautiful day without using imaginary numbers.
%
Another beautiful day without using sin, cos, or tan.
%
Well, well, well!
If it isn't the consequences of my own actions.
%
I learned some interesting facts at the Children's Museum.
Lightning bugs are beetles, and I hate children.
%
Crabs always look like they're walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
%
I just tried a jacket on in Target.
It was the coat of a customer trying on another coat.
%
I once dated an apostrophe. Too possessive.
%
I'm done with dating sites and moving on to pizza delivery guys.
At least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
%
My biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the walking.
%
I usually think humanity is going to be okay.
Then I see someone struggle in the self-checkout for 20 minutes.
%
Every neck tattoo should read, I'm not getting the job, am I?
%
Every now and then you observe two idiots agree on something.
Then you hear one of them say, Great minds think alike.
%
The worst thing you can hear when you're wearing a bikini is Good for you!
%
Sometimes, at night, after my son has gone to bed,
I go into my room, and finish all of my sentences.
%
When my wife gets a little upset, sometimes a simple calm down in a soothing voice is all it takes to get her <b>a lot upset.</b>
%
In a thousand years archaeologists will dig up tanning beds and think we fried people as punishment.
%
Just bought a book on Narcissism.
It's great! It's all about me!
%
Just once in my life, I'd like to know the sweet satisfaction of finishing a tube of Chapstick.
%
My math teacher was afraid of negative numbers.
He stopped at nothing to avoid them.
%
The chicken went to the séance to get to the other side.
%
Kleptomaniacs do not understand puns.
They always take things literally.
%
Grandma has been going to the opera since she was a little girl.
She remembers when Madam Butterfly was a caterpillar.
%
Schrodinger's Cake:  You can have it AND eat it.
%
When you have two choices and you remove one, you have zero choices.
%
He wore his wedding ring on the wrong finger because he was married to the wrong woman.
%
I hate class reunions and seeing classmates whose lives are a train wreck.
Even worse is seeing those who are big successes.
%
I had a flat, replaced it, and now the car won't move.
It's probably embarrassed by the little donut tire.
%
Sadly, 3 out of 2 people have difficulties with fractions.
%
Ah, the good old days.
Things were much more like they used to be back then.
%
All I need are just the basics. Food, water, alibis.
%
If you do something right once, someone will ask you to do it again.
%
Think of social media as fun house mirrors.
But, without the fun.
%
Insects communicate with buzz words.
%
Yikes! I took the wrong meds this morning.
At least I'm safe from fleas and heartworms for 90 days.
%
Cycling! One way to dispel any flat-earth theory.
%
Beer is much better than a mother-in-law.
Beer wouldn't last for 2 weeks in my house.
%
My health regimen involves lots of crunches.
Captain Crunch in the morning and Nestle Crunch thereafter.
%
Corals get stressed by current events.
%
Electricians get stressed by current events.
%
All wild mushrooms are edible.
Some are edible only once.
%
Before was was was, was was is.
%
Saw a headstone, Here lies Jim Bard, a lawyer and a good man.
I can't believe the 3 of them agreed on such ambiguous syntax.
%
They should've known communism would fail.
There were a lot of red flags.
%
Color blind folks have the highest rates of divorce.
They can't see the red flags.
%
Someday I'll look up what procrastination means.
%
The utility co. says I have an outstanding balance.
It was probably due to my gymnastics in school.
%
Gymnastics Teacher Needed To Work Sat-Wed.
Must Be Flexible.
%
How Long is a battleship. True or false?
False. How Long is a man from China.
%
Sigh... What a long week today has been.
%
My dieting is going well. I'm back in my skinny socks.
%
Ten habits to manage time wisely:
1. Stop reading online joke lists.
%
My boyfriend, the cable guy, is taking me to the movies.
He's picking me up sometime between 4 and 10.
%
Is it sad to constantly seek out Facebook friends?
Asking for  a friend.
%
Smoking will kill you... Bacon will kill you...
And yet, smoking bacon will cure it.
%
I had an hourglass figure, but then the sand shifted.
%
Animal testing is a terrible idea.
They get all nervous and give the wrong answers.
%
I was raised as an only child.
That really annoyed my sister.
%
She keeps trying to convince me she's a compulsive liar.
But I don't believe her.
%
I was gonna tell a time traveling joke but you guys didn't like it.
%
There's no easy cure for anorexia.
Honestly, I thought it'd be a piece of cake.
%
Together, I can beat schizophrenia
%
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the Pringles holder on the treadmill.
%
If I had a Delorean, I would probably only drive it from time to time.
%
With great power comes a huge electric bill.
%
Abandonment issues: they've stayed with me my whole life.
%
I hate being late... but I'm so good at it.
%
I asked God for a bike, but I know He doesn't work that way.
So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
%
Gonorrhea would have been a great name for diarrhea medicine.
%
I needed to borrow money.
Because no one would just give it to me.
%
My date said she wanted to do dinner again.
I had to decline. I was already stuffed.
%
If ignorance is bliss, there should be a <b>lot</b> more happy people.
%
A restaurant in town has rats.
All the rats go elsewhere to eat.
%
My doctor complained that my check came back.
We're even because my lumbago came back, too.
%
In high school I was voted Most likely to fit in their locker.
%
"N" is the most used letter in England.
%
My secret with the ladies is Leave them wanting for more.
I know. I know. There's a pill for that.
%
Santa no longer gives lumps of coal to naughty kids.
Now they get bits of broken solar panels.
%
I seem to remember everything ... whether it happened or not.
%
Working in a soap factory is good, clean fun.
%
This universe is shipped by mass, not by volume.
Some expansion of the contents may have occurred during shipment.
%
My podcast is helping people, but not as I hoped.
It's being used as a sleep aid.
%
I'm 100 years old, and I'm fairly sure I'll see 101.
I've checked and damn few folks die between 100 and 101.
%
Most of my web searches are for acronym meanings.
%
I can't see that using decimals is easier than fractions.
I guess I'm missing the point.
%
I searched for an anagram for napping idiots.
The result was disappointing.
%
How many palindromes do I know of?
Not a ton.
%
I wrote a whole book that was a palindrome.
The second half made no sense.
%
My nerdy friend has long studied palindromes.
I call him Dr Awkward.
%
I have an unreasonable fear of palindromes.
My heartless doctor prescribed Xanax!
%
I got gas for $2.19 today.
Unfortunately, it was at The Burrito Barn.
%
My weird neighbor had to replace his fishing boat.
It's named Unsinkable II.
%
Get a new car for your spouse -- it'll be a great trade!
%
I work to buy a car to go to work.
%
The inventor of the Jack-in-the-Box died.
His casket at the funeral had a crank on the side.
%
Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking.
%
One day you're the best thing since sliced bread.
The next, you're toast.
%
If you can't remember my name, just say donuts!
I'll turn around and look.
%
Want to dance? Or should I go to hell again?
%
Don't bother telling your problems to anyone.
20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.
%
I was going to look for my missing watch.
But I could never find the time.
%
I sometimes watch birds and wonder,
If I could fly who would I poop on?
%
The mistakes I keep repeating are now called traditions.
%
I need to start paying closer attention to stuff.
Found out today my wife and I have separate names for the cat.
%
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year.
Only 15 to go.
%
I'm anti-work but pro-paycheck, so you see my dilemma.
%
They're asking us for extra hours at the pickle plant.
They're gherkin us around.
%
I don't dance like nobody is watching.
But, I tweet like nobody is reading.
%
There's this very cute girl that doesn't know I'm alive.
Maybe I'll get a note from my doctor.
%
I tried going back to the drawing board.
But I can't draw.
%
I like to finish other people's sentences because... my version is better.
%
I like the way your medication thinks.
%
Burglar gently waking me, You live like this?
%
I don't have an attitude problem.
You have a perception problem.
%
I have clear conscience.
I haven't used it yet.
%
You think I'm sarcastic?
Watch me pretend to care!
%
The same people who laugh at gypsy fortune tellers take economists seriously.
%
My patience has stretch marks.
%
Don't make me use <b>UPPERCASE.</b>
%
I was just told that my dogs were chasing kids on bikes.
Nope. My dogs don't even own bikes.
%
Perspective!
Consider the lobsters in the Titanic's kitchen.
%
Improve your memory by doing unforgettable things.
%
All my party planning skills revolve around exit strategies.
%
Any car is a self-driving car if you don't give a damn.
%
We will pay for the mistakes of our youth... at the pharmacy.
%
Few women admit their age; few men act it.
%
A fine is a tax for doing wrong.
A tax is a fine for doing well.
%
If you are not part of the solution, you're probably running for President.
%
I'm an optimist; not a fatalist.
Though I don't know what I could do about it if I was a fatalist.
%
Two fish are in a tank.
One says to the other, You drive; I'll man the gun!
%
Shock therapy was eliminated long ago.
Now the patient is merely shown the bill.
%
People say Money talks.
Mine has laryngitis.
%
Can't see an end. I have no control and there is no escape.
I don't even have a home anymore.
Think it's time for a new keyboard.
%
It's not how good your work is, it's how well you explain it.
%
This isn't working out.
I think we should start making 2 other people miserable.
%
You weigh 200 lbs. on Earth, which is only 76 lbs. on Mars.
You're not fat. You're just on the wrong planet.
%
I'm pretty sober, but I'm prettier drunk.
%
It's useless trying to undo a mistake.
Focus your efforts on new ones.
%
15+15 is thirty but 16+16 is thirty too.
%
Hell is wallpapered with all your deleted selfies.
%
Failure is not an option.&ensp; It's bundled with the software.
%
I set my WiFi name to "Hack me if you can".
This morning the name was changed to "Challenge accepted".
%
My girlfriend discovered the eyeroll and tongue sticking emojis.
She doesn't have to type words anymore.
%
This Getting Old stuff is really getting old.
%
The only way I'll ever <i>run</i> a marathon is if I organize one.
%
I keep looking at the dictionary on my shelf.
I just know there's a novel in there.
%
Money is not the key to happiness.
But, with enough money, you could have a key made.
%
Ever notice that -4&deg; looks like a depressed guy on a toilet.
%
Let's make this simple.
I want to be invited but I don't want to go.
%
Some people only get called by their nicknames.
Usually it sounds weird to even say their real name.
%
My wife is very upset with my Star Wars obsession.
I'm thinking, Divorce is strong with this one!
%
I don't think I'll be able to get my Mom what she really wants on Mother's Day – a doctor for a son-in-law.
%
Never marry a woman who was captain of the debate team.
%
For Halloween we dressed up as pecans.
Everyone could tell we were nuts.
%
What does TIA stand for?
Thanks in advance for the reply.
%
I was asked what the 9th letter of the Alphabet was.
It was a complete guess, but I was right.
%
Working in Tech Support, I understand why some animals eat their young.
%
One day I'll look up from my phone and realize my kids put me in a nursing home.
%
Nothing says I love you like divorce papers.
%
Let's walk and talk. You go that way.
%
If your partner asks, Do you love your phone more than me?, lie!
%
I dropped my phone in the toilet and now you're all baptized.
%
I found a message in a bottle.
It read, "You have a drinking problem."
%
I return to work tomorrow with a child-like belief that this is the year people will think at least twice before clicking [Reply All]
%
My wife proclaimed, Sex is better on holiday.
My worst postcard ever.
%
I hate the part of the conversation where the other person says things.
%
I'm an antisocial-psychic.
I can see ahead of time that I won't want to talk to you.
%
It probably seems like I'm listening to your story.
Really I'm thinking, Close the damn menu or the waiter will never come over.
%
Friend: I don't want to bore you with my problems.
Me: Awesome, thank you!
%
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do they all drown?
%
Don't take ownership of your mistakes.
It's easier to rent them.
%
My barber doesn't give very good haircuts.
But he knows all the current gossip.
%
In my youth I would jump out of bead with vim and vigor.
Now I jump our of bed because of a leg cramp.
%
She and I never argue. We have an understanding.
One person is always right, and the other person is me.
%
I think I have a date at the Halloween Party.
She told me she'd come as The Invisible Woman.
%
I accidentally called Alexa Siri.
Now none of my appliances work.
%
They used a 3D printer to repair my rear-view mirror.
Now I need 3D glasses to drive.
%
My radiologist girlfriend and I broke up.
She could see right through me.
%
My family tree has root rot.
%
I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever...
%
I'm told to respect myself for who I am.
Not gonna happen. I have standards!
%
I'm half hungry, half bored, and half sleepy. ...
and, apparently, bad at math.
%
Hello to all my self-aware friends.
You know who you are.
%
My neighbor named his dog 5 MILES so he could say he walked 5 miles everyday.
I'm a casual athlete. Today I ran over 5 miles.
%
The neighborhood barber was arrested for selling drugs.
I was his customer for 9 years . . . never knew he cut hair.
%
I just watched a documentary on Adderall.
I'm gonna watch all TV that way from now on.
%
Thank God I'm an atheist.
%
Don't mess with old people.
Life imprisonment is not that much of a deterrent anymore.
%
Back in my day, we didn't watch TV while we ate dinner.
We actually talked to each other. It was awful.
%
We're in the growth era of self-driving vehicles.
Soon there'll be a country song where a guy's truck leaves him.
%
Claustrophobic people are best when thinking outside the box.
%
The bartender says, "We don't serve time travelers in here."
A time traveler walks into a bar.
%
I wonder how many miles I've scrolled with my trackball.
%
I saw a homeless guy with a sign: One day, this could be you.
I put my wallet back in my pocket, just in case he's right.
%
My kids are at an age now where they are easily embarrassed.
This is my time to shine.
%
I can't afford my electricity bills, it's a dark time.
%
My motorcycle is great for getting to the head of lines quicker.
It does terrify the other people in the post office though.
%
I get jealous when it's bedtime in other countries.
%
I might need a new kidney in 30 years.
So I've decided to have a child.
%
Welcome to Utah. Set your watch back 30 years.
%
Someday is not a day of the week
%
Time is a great teacher.
Unfortunately it kills all its students.
%
Happy 15th birthday to your dating profile picture.
%
We can't afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year.
We're just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
%
Woke up early to go for a run and got as far as still laying here.
%
Your phone screen is brighter than your future.
%
My bumper sticker says "Honk if you think I'm sexy".
I sit at green lights until I feel good about myself.
%
If at first you don't succeed, you and I have a lot in common.
%
Is that person hitchhiking?
Or are they complimenting me on my driving?
%
I know of a fella that cannot use self-service fill up.
The octane rating he needs is greater than his IQ.
%
A good friend will take your phone call at 2 AM.
A <i>great</i> friend will stay awake during the call.
%
I put the pathetic in apathetic.
%
A Franciscan Monk is eating bacon and eggs.
It's out of the frying pan and into the friar.
%
I decided to do a staycation this Summer.
Of course my ankle bracelet had something to do with it.
%
You know winter is just around the corner with your first use of the heated car seats.
%
I got crosswise with a live lobster at the fish market.
I fought the claw, and the claw won.
%
I know an archaeologist. She does a lot of carbon dating.
Even though I'm carbon-based, she won't date me.
%
Show me a man who is a good loser and
I'll show you a man who is playing golf with his boss.
%
I felt it was a night to remember.
She felt the same about the sinking of the Titanic.
%
I recently learned my therapist also has a therapist.
Now I fear it's my fault.
%
I'm not young enough to know everything.
%
I hired a <i>lawyer</i> to fix the drip in my faucet.
Do you realize how much a <i>plumber</i> would cost?
%
I didn't come here to be insulted!
So, where do you usually go?
%
A poker buddy unexpectedly died last week.
We should've paid attention when he said his feet were killing him.
%
I can't afford vanity plates for my vehicle.
So I'll try for some false modesty plates, instead.
%
Please congratulate me on my new position.
It's the fetal position and I'll be there for awhile.
%
I don't know what bothers me more --
all the violence in the world or my complacency.
%
My boss is a now or never kinda guy.
Unfortunately, I'm more a sooner or later guy.
%
She threatened to leave me if I didn't stop gambling.
So, I called her bluff.
%
My blond sister-in-law thinks square roots are vegetables.
%
Making plans right now is weird because we're in the middle of a major extinction event.
%
<b>Warning:</b> Objects in mirror appear smarter than they are.
%
A cop pulled me over and said, Papers....
I said, Scissors, I win!, and drove off.
%
You're never childless when you have a husband.
%
Some people make me wish I had more middle fingers.
%
I'm going to stop wondering, How stupid can you get?
Too many people seem to take it as a challenge.
%
I attempted to remarry my ex-wife.
But she felt I was only after my money.
%
I was a gifted child.
Gifted with a non-violent older sibling.
%
I finally got a housekeeper -- my ex-wife.
She kept the house.
%
Never use effort when sloth will do.
%
My finger cramped up while scrolling to my birth year in that online form.
%
Of course I help with the laundry.
My clothes do not get soiled by themselves.
%
I am a self-made man.
One with poor assembly skills.
%
Politicians are stupid like cats are stupid.
%
Is there any way I can help without actually getting involved?
%
When we finally saved up for a honeymoon, we didn't want one.
%
I was planning on tearing up the unnecessary check he would send.
But, it was a $5 bill. So, I tore that up instead.
%
Most folks move up the corporate ladder.
Me? I'm going down the corporate drain.
%
We've stopped using toilet paper to conserve resources.
How do we manage that? Well ... Depends.
%
The meeting with the Secretary Of Transportation was canceled.
He's stuck at the airport.
%
Lotsa folks told me they'd like to join my Liars Club.
But, nobody showed up.
%
My wife speaks in 3 languages: English, eye roll, and door slam,
%
Some folks still wear masks so they don't need to put their dentures in.
%
My joke was so good we had a special meeting with HR and the VP.
%
A good sermon should have a good beginning and a good ending.
And they should be as close together as possible.
%
An optimist is the guy who invented the airplane.
A pessimist is the guy who puts his luggage on it.
%
I don't want to brag or make anybody jealous,
but  I can still fit into my high school earrings.
%
The cop asks, You drinking?
I replied, You buying?
%
We have a new car wash opening up in my neighborhood.
It'll be so convenient. I can walk to it.
%
I watched a guy drive around a traffic circle 4 times.
His vanity license plate read <b>GENIUS</b>.
%
Meditation makes doing nothing quite respectable.
%
I really don't need buns of steel.
What I want are buns of cinnamon.
%
My cockroaches must have military training.
They defused the bug bomb I set out.
%
A watched pot never boils, but it does get paranoid.
%
One can play at this game!, me -- playing solitaire.
%
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
%
Cats are smarter than dogs.
You'll never get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.
%
I'm at the age where I can't take anything with a grain of salt.
%
It's simple avoiding people you don't like.
Avoiding one's friends, that's the real test.
%
My parents didn't want to move to Florida.
But they turned 65 and that's the law.
%
I'm boycotting any store selling items I can't afford.
%
A lot of people cry when they cut onions.
The secret is to not form an emotional bond.
%
When I lost my rifle, the Army charged me $345.
Explains why in the Navy, the captain goes down with the ship.
%
<b>Drama</b> (N.), A word boring people use  to describe fun people.
%
It's pretty cool how  the Chinese made a language entirely out of tattoos.
%
How many blonds does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Need to know ASAP.
%
Bifocals are God's way of saying, Keep your chin up.
%
I put more effort into naming my first WiFi than my  first child.
%
I work in a paper factory, where my responsibilities are twofold.
%
There are three kinds of people in business.
Their name is on the building.
Their name is on the desk.
Their name is on the shirt.
%
Sticks float. They wood.
%
Saw a billboard ad for burial plots.
Thought to myself that is the last thing I need.
%
The bookstore was a mess.
They should be ashamed of their shelves.
%
Wanted to learn how to drive a stick shift.
But I couldn't find a manual.
%
My girlfriend complained that I was too old fashioned.
All along I thought we had good alchemy.
%
I just ended a long-term relationship today.
No big deal, it wasn't mine.
%
I introduced my friend to minimalism.
It was the least I could do.
%
My memory is so bad I lost my job.
I'm still employed. I just dunno where.
%
Right now, I'm at work, using the Internet.
But in my mind, I'm already at home, using the Internet.
%
I fell for a girl who only knew 4 vowels.
She didn't know I existed.
%
My wife apologized for the first time ever today.
She said she's sorry she ever married me.
%
Haircuts are great.
I did none of the work but get all the credit.
%
I left my last job because of what my boss said.
You're fired!
%
My tie got in the fax machine.
Within minutes I was in Phoenix.
%
Two guys stole a calendar.
They each got six months.
%
I remembered the car seat, the stroller, <i>and</i> the diaper bag.
Yet all my wife talks about is that I forgot the baby.
%
A job interviewee wrote that he had been a stalker at Walmart.
%
The best wood in my golf game is my pencil.
%
I'm not yet even a teenager -- in dog years.
%
I operate a depression hotline.
Call me and depression is guaranteed.
%
Ask me about my vow of silence.
%
Maybe it's a sign of getting old.
The supermarket is playing great music.
%
I'm not as think as you confused I am.
%
Ignorance may be bliss.
But it'll never replace sex.
%
I'm not a complete idiot!
Some parts are still missing.
%
Old age is when you know your way around but don't feel like going.
%
You're only young once.
After that, you need new excuses.
%
The first two husbands were just for practice.
%
Sometimes I pretend to be normal.
But eventually I go back to being me.
%
I love it when my pills kick in!
%
The first 40 years of childhood are the craziest.
%
Traffic lights timed for 35 MPH are also timed for 70 MPH.
%
I don't believe in miracles.
I rely on them.
%
We jail the petty thieves.
The gross ones we elect to office.
%
When politicians see the light at the end of the tunnel,
they go and buy more tunnel.
%
No matter how hard you try, you cannot baptize a cat.
%
It's easy to be seen as wise.
Think of something stupid to say, and don't say it.
%
Television is a medium.
It is neither rare nor well done.
%
Of course I don't look busy.
I did it right the first time.
%
I'm one of those bad things that happen to good people.
%
I never get lost.
I just discover alternative destinations.
%
I feel like a million!
... just one at a time.
%
My birth was a big surprise for me.
It left me speechless for a year and a half.
%
When you become senile, you won't know it.
%
We once hissed the the villain.
Now we buy his book.
%
Velcro! What a rip-off!!
%
The restaurant sign announced, Karaoke Tonight!
My grandma asked, "What kind of fish is that?"
%
Venison for dinner again?
Oh deer!
%
Be kind to your dentist.
They have fillings, too.
%
At first I didn't like my beard.
But then it grew on me.
%
I was told I was gullible ... and I believed them.
%
If swimming keeps you slim, explain whales.
%
I changed my tablet's name to Titanic.
It's syncing now.
%
A cartoonist was found dead.
Details are sketchy.
%
I know a blond who called me for <u>my</u> phone number.
%
<b>MEOW MIX</b> (N.), A CD for cats
%
Pictures of missing husbands should be put on beer cans.
%
Anything not nailed down is a cat toy.
%
After turning 80, your birthday suit needs pressing
%
I come from a big family.
I learned to dance waiting for the bathroom.
%
Someday you will have your own children.
Then you'll know why mommy drinks.
%
I don't have a bank account.
It's because I don't know my mother's maiden name.
%
<b>MARRIAGE</b> (N.), The triumph of imagination over intelligence
%
I'm single because I was born that way.
%
I'm so old that my dreams are all black&amp;white reruns.
%
Sure, the Buck Stops Here up in the C-suites.
But the blame terminates down here on my floor.
%
The hardest part of being a caddie is stifling the laughter.
%
I worry about sanitation when using those portable sales tablets.
I mean, they have no idea where my finger has been,
%
Research shows that walking after each meal keeps me healthy.
But, walking six times a day seems a bit much.
%
I told my mom she was invading my personal space.
Then she replied that I <i>came from</i> her personal space.
%
I'm sleeping like a baby now-a-days.
I get up every 3 hours and eat.
%
Yes. I'm in management.
Pain management.
%
No need to buy new running shoes.
The last pair I bought are still new.
%
My pants are 50% wool, 50% cotton, and 50% rayon.
They <i>have to be</i> 3 halves to fit me.
%
I don't play fantasy football.
But I'm a long time fantasy referee.
%
Have lots of newspapers when toilet training your puppy.
That way you'll have plenty of media coverage.
%
I enjoy scaring my husband.
Occasionally I ask him, "Do you remember what day this is?"
%
No exercise regimen for me.
I'm in the fitness protection program.
%
My friend tells folks that he travels for work.
chuckle... He's an Uber driver.
%
Some of my friends have six-pack abs.
Me? More like a keg.
%
Ever notice that the the human brain ignores the second the?
%
Living as a bachelor make things less uncertain.
Never a doubt who didn't refill the toilet paper dispenser.
%
I want to make it clear; I was not laid off.
I'm part of the Human Capital Outplacement Strategy.
%
My girlfriend is mad at me for no particular reason.
So I guess I don't need to apologize.
%
Dogs have learned they can say anything they want to you.
... as long as they wag their tails while saying it.
%
Often a pessimist is just an optimist with added experience.
%
A pessimist before age 50 knows too much.
An optimist after age 50 knows too little.
%
Remember: A journey to nowhere starts with a single step, too.
%
I can't believe that years from now, people will say,
Those were the Good Ol' Days!
%
I keep reading the ingredient lists on food packages.
How come I can buy this crap without a prescription?
%
I've been texting obscene messages and blaming it on auto-correct.
%
I often have to deal with 'difficult' customers.
I take a deep breathe and remind myself it's not worth the prison time.
%
I went back one hour in my new time machine.
I'm beside myself!
%
I just saw an old lady help a young man cross the street.
He was totally transfixed by cat videos on his phone.
%
You betcha I'm old!
Our yearbook pictures were done by Claude Monet.
%
I'm on a restricted diet.
No fruits, vegetables or tofu.
%
The economy must be <u>really</u> bad.
I bought a new toaster and received a complimentary bank.
%
Our left hand does not know what the right hand is doing.
As of now, we'll only be hiring the ambidextrous.
%
We shouldn't kill all the stupid people.
Just remove all the warning labels and let natural selection work.
%
Karen is not only a Drama Queen. She's also a Royal Pain.
%
I spent all night on the computer.
Now I'm suffering Net Lag.
%
Sleep is merely a time machine to breakfast.
%
My wife is reading a Where Are They Now book.
Not me; it just makes me question where <i><b>I</b></i> am now.
%
My new electronic bathroom scale whimpers when I step on it.
%
Remember, in the end everything will be all right.
And if it isn't, then it ain't the end.
%
It was Take Your Child To Work Day and,
in the crowded break room, my son began to cry.
He bawled out, Where are all the clowns you said you worked with?
%
I believe my wife is having an affair.
We moved cross country and we still have the same cable guy.
%
Botched the exam question about mono acetic ester of salicylic acid.
Had to take 3 aspirin to get over it.
%
If a little knowledge is a dangerous thing,
then Little League parents are a global threat.
%
I said I <i>knew</i> acupuncture..
I never said I was any good at it.
%
Yes, I grind my teeth!
Haven't you met my husband?
%
I've never watched Naked and Afraid.
It would give me flashbacks to my struggle with tax season.
%
My first husband had his own personal pronouns towards the end.
Dee and Fendant
%
That fella is so boring.
His personal pronouns are ho/hum.
%
I've been going through a lot lately.
Parking at the airport is no fun.
%
Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
%
Seven years ago I broke a mirror with my lucky rabbit's foot.
Since then, my life has been pretty much the same as before.
%
My new prescription was rather costly.
So I asked instead for the placebo.
%
My date told me that she did charity work.
Then she said the meal was on the clock.
%
As I've grown older, I realize I'm enrolled in ongoing continuing education.
With courses in Virology, Enterology, Audiology, Urology, Ophthalmology, Dermatology...
%
It's taken me many years to get my head on straight.
Meanwhile, the rest of my body has gone cockeyed.
%
Pro Tip: Never speak an incantation with a mouth full of peanut butter.
%
The Workaholics Meeting was canceled.
Seems everyone was busy.
%
I expressed the opinion I was aging like fine wine.
I was told to keep a cork in it.
%
I really like working from home.
But the monthly company fire drills seem pointless.
%
I heard so many crickets when I told that joke.
I almost had to call an exterminator.
%
Old man Warbucks cheated me out of millions.
He wouldn't let me marry his daughter.
%
My senior's swim class is pretty intense.
Mostly it's the pool noodle sword fights.
%
I had the opportunity to go to college.
When I was six, I was asked if I wanted to go to college or Disney World.
%
Conspiracy theorists and Excel have one thing in common.
They both spreadsheet.
%
It's so quite in the house since the goldfish died.
%
A thief broke into my house to look for money.
I asked him if I could look with him.
%
My <span style=color: red;><b>Save For Later Cart</b></span> at Amazon is now up to $184,677.
%
The human brain ordinarily operates at only 10% of its ability.
The rest is overhead used by the operating system.
%
Adulthood is definitely the worst hood I've ever been in.
%
When I drink alcohol, I'm called an alcoholic.
But, when I drink Fanta, no one says I'm Fantastic.
%
Almost nothing is too much to ask for.
Though, much of it is too much to expect.
%
I never put back on the weight I lose.
It's always entirely new weight.
%
I grade high school English papers.
It's a shame trees have to died for this.
%
There's a nude beach down the coast.
Locals call it The Indecent Sea.
%
I entered every spelling bee in school.
But, I never one won.
%
Come to find out The Friendly Loan Co. has a Frenemy Payment Plan.
%
I had an epiphany at Old Faithful in Yellowstone Park.
Even Mother Nature has to vent now and then.
%
<b>Serpentine</b> (N.), A young snake waiting outside a liquor store
%
My son informs me he often has to sharpen his pencil at school.
He's already whining about the daily grind.
%
Our culture is too obsessed with good looks.
The Weather Service now uses models to predict hurricane paths.
%
Congratulations! You have won Spam Recipient Of The Year!
<u style=text-decoration-color: blue;>Click here</u> to claim your prize!
%
My husband is a Ninja.
He asked for a divorce and I did <u>not</u> see that coming.
%
<b>Dragoon</b> (N.), A mafia thug in a dress
%
It was a nice funeral except for the cash bar.
%
Initially I was opposed to organ transplants.
But I've since had a change of heart.
%
Some people speak so freely that they validate the phrase Talk&nbsp;Is&nbsp;Cheap.
%
There's a highway to Hell but only a stairway to Heaven.
That says a lot about anticipated traffic volume.
%
Our staff is still working remotely.
It's a silent pact to avoid the office coffee.
%
My wife informed me she wants another baby.
I agreed. The new one we now have is really annoying.
%
Dr.: How is your long range vision?
Me : Well, I didn't see reality TV coming ... nor Donald Trump.
%
I guess the best thing for me is to diet and exercise every day.
But I don't deserve the best.
%
I did not quite get the promotion I wanted.
So, I'm more like on Cloud Eight.
%
I only read the newspaper articles above the fold.
... the fold of my stomach.
%
I only worry about three things.
Everything that happened ... that is happening ... that will happen.
%
<b>Archive</b> (N.), Where Noah kept the two bees
%
It's stressful working in an infectious microbe lab.
But I try not to let the little things get me down.
%
The pharmacist gave me an expectorant,
and I coughed up fifty-five dollars.
%
Can you explain these gaps in your resume?
Ummm... I believe those are from the space bar.
%
I've always wanted to quit while I was ahead.
But the opportunity never presented itself.
%
My grandfather texted me, "Goats pitchfork pimentos hemoglobin".
Sadly, I am unable to to decipher AutoCorrect.
%
My startup has gone from $0 in monthly revenue to 6-figures in 12 months.
July, 2021: $0 revenue ; July 2022: $0.00000 revenue.
%
Co-worker, "I can't find you on Facebook."
Me, "I found you first and blocked you."
%
Long story short...
I left instead of sticking around to see what happens next.
%
There is a considerable overlap in intelligence between
the intelligence of the smartest bears and the dumbest tourists.
-- Yosemite Park Ranger
%
I'm going to ask for my money back.
That chocolate cake was supposed to serve six.
%
I told my date I had a certain something.
She asked if there was a cure for it.
%
I joined a seniors cardio class.
We watch Wheel Of Fortune and scream consonants at the TV.
%
I'm still working on Fermat's next-to-last theorem.
%
The service at that new chain restaurant is really bad.
It's like the DMV, but without the charm.
%
I was going to list all my previous job experience.
But, hey, why suck all the mystery out of my life.
%
From the book of affirmations which I just wrote:
Today I will embrace feelings of helplessness and regret.
%
My wife and I have shared a lot of ups and downs over the years.
Mostly her ups; and my downs.
%
A good friend will bail you out of jail.
But a best friend will be handcuffed to you.
%
My friends remarried recently.
Their divorce just didn't work out.
%
I'm really good at managing my credit card.
The bank keeps sending me letters saying my account is outstanding.
%
It's necessary to be able to laugh at yourself.
You'll never have a lack of humor in your life.
%
My car is a little long in the tooth.
In an attempt to accelerate, the dashboard displays, "Really, Joe? Really?"
%
The vending machine in the office break room has taught me one thing.
Change is <i>not</i> inevitable.
%
There are 3 dimensions to credit cards ... length, width, and debt.
%
CAUTION:
Reading side effects may cause headache, nausea, dizziness, hypochondria and paranoia.
%
I'm attending a seniors' nutrition class.
Today we all disparaged a plate of kale.
%
My neighbor's 4-year-old is learning Spanish.
He still can't say "please", which I feel is poor for four.
%
I was asked to use cash instead of a credit card.
But I'm afraid of change.
%
Never marry. Find a woman you hate and buy her a house.
It'll be a lot easier on you.
%
Inflation in the US is so bad right now.
I received a pre-declined credit card in the mail.
%
Inflation in the US is so bad right now that
Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.
%
Inflation in the US is very bad right now.
They caught a van-load of Americans sneaking into Mexico.
%
Losing a husband can be hard.
In some cases it can be almost impossible.
%
At Australian immigration, I was asked if I had a criminal record.
I didn't know that was still a requirement.
%
I'm employed in a bicycle wheel factory.
I'm the spokesperson.
%
My neighbor complains about his Swedish car breaking down.
I'm getting really tired of the Saab stories.
%
Never trust an electrician with no eyebrows.
%
I wanted to tell a Scandinavian joke.
But there's Norway I could Finnish it.
%
I keep pressing the home button on my cellphone.
But when I look around, I'm still at work.
%
I'm reading a gripping book about glue.
I can't put it down.
%
I got my mom a fridge for Mother's Day.
I wanted to watch her face light up when she opened it.
%
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch up.
%
Leave an empty milk carton in the fridge in case someone wants black coffee.
%
Never doubt the courage of the French.
They discovered they could eat snails.
%
While parked, point a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
%
I was a shoe salesman until they gave me the boot.
%
I bought a belt made out of $20 bills.
It was a waist of money.
%
Nothing beats the Swedish summer.
It's simply the best day of the year.
%
Almost as bad as having diarrhea, is having to spell it.
%
My wife said I never buy her flowers.
I didn't even know she sold flowers.
%
I've been trying to call the zoo for hours!
All their lions were busy.
%
I got a new mobile phone for my wife.
It was a pretty good swap.
%
Got a new phone today.
My old one failed the swimming test.
%
My mobile phone has a tuneless ring tone.
It's chordless.
%
I can't picture myself without a camera phone.
%
I have a bald friend that always carries a comb.
He just can't part with it.
%
That graveyard looks overcrowded.
People must be dying to get in there.
%
My grandpa started walking 5 miles a day for his health.
Now he's 97 years old and we don't know where he is.
%
My exercising equipment has a hobby.
It collects dust.
%
My Dad grows herbs as a hobby.
He has lots of Thyme on his hands.
%
My wife and I share a sense of humor.
We have to because she doesn't have one.
%
I used to enjoy doing origami.
But I gave it up because of all the paperwork.
%
I took up picking locks as a hobby.
It's opened a lot of doors for me.
%
Every day I spend a few hours on a running machine.
Any day now I might even turn it on.
%
I used to work for an origami company until it folded.
%
Sometimes when I can't spell a word, I change the whole sentence to avoid it.
%
I need to go to Walmart.
But I can't find my pajamas.
%
Bookmarks are for quitters.
%
I recently took up blindfold archery.
I didn't know what I was missing.
%
Well another day has passed.
And I did not use algebra once.
%
Doing yoga cured my habit of biting my fingernails.
Now I bite my toenails.
%
I once thought reading people's minds would be cool.
Then Facebook came along and I got over <i>that</i>.
%
True terror is waking up one morning to find your high school class is running the country.
%
If only mosquitoes sucked fat instead of blood.
%
My t-shirt says, FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS
Because I am.
%
A friend of mine collects blunt pencils.
I find that a bit pointless.
%
There are two types of people in the world.
People that agree with me, and people who are wrong.
%
I'm so lucky people can't hear what I'm thinking!
%
Keep calm!
I'll make it look like an accident.
%
I tried to leave work early today.
My boss reminded me I still had 7 hours to go.
%
I saw a person reading my favorite book.
It's like a book recommending a person.
%
It isn't that I'm not a people person.
I'm just not a stupid people person.
%
If you ever figure me out, I want the explanation!
%
I listen to some people for a while and wonder,
Who ties your shoelaces for you?
%
After exercise I always eat pizza.
Just kidding! I don't exercise.
%
I lie awake - asking, Where have I gone wrong?
Then a voice says, This'll take more than one night.
%
The best nicknames for people are ones they are unaware of.
%
Dear math. I am not a therapist.
Solve your own damned problems.
%
I don't like folding laundry, so I just restart the dryer.
%
They start the Evening News with 'Good evening'.
Then they proceed to tell you why it isn't.
%
Last year I joined a support group for antisocial people.
We haven't met yet.
%
It's only a matter of time until they add Syndrome to my last name.
%
Many of my life's best moments are ones I can tell no one about.
%
You can see more pathology in Walmart than in a hospital.
%
I don't try to win over the haters.
I am not the Jackass Whisperer.
%
Do not read the following sentence.
You ol' rebel, you. I like you.
%
The word phonetically doesn't even start with an f !
%
Life is hard.
Even harder when you're stupid.
%
People laugh at my crayon drawings.
I laugh at their chalk outlines.
%
No one ever thanked me for having the patience to not hurt them.
%
I am not procrastinating.
I'm making sure there's enough work for tomorrow.
%
If I had but one hour to live,
I'd spend it with you because it would seem like an eternity.
%
I once thought I had control over my life.
Now I just sit and watch crap unfold before me.
%
There's a fine line between genius &amp; crazy.
I like to use that line as a jump rope.
%
I stopped liking math when the alphabet got involved.
%
On my last date I laid all my cards on the table.
I ended up playing solitaire.
%
There's a knack to handling backseat drivers.
Drive a hearse.
%
I've started using my frequent flier mileage tickets.
Mostly to visit places where my luggage last went.
%
Probably, if my ship ever came in,
they'd make me swab the decks.
%
What if your credit card is rejected at the tattoo shop?
Do they come at you with a potato peeler?
%
Duct tape, like The Force, has a light side, and a dark side.
And it holds the universe together.
%
Interviewer, "What do you made at your current job?"
Me, "Mostly mistakes and sarcastic comments."
%
I have this fear that the building will collapse on me.
I have a truss issue.
%
I lost big time in online gambling.
It occurred in a dating chat room.
%
I had to break off with my tennis player boyfriend.
Love meant nothing to him.
%
Sure, there is no need to gas up my electric car.
But, it takes forever to replace 9,000 AA batteries.
%
Our country has a problem with repeat offenders.
We should stop re-electing them.
%
I was felling like a third wheel on that last date.
Then she said, Why don't you get rolling?
%
My law degree? Got it from Google Images.
%
<b>Extradition</b> (N.), More math problems
%
My neighbor's dog is huge!
He walks him with a trash bag and a snow shovel.
%
We can finally afford to buy a second car.
However, we cannot afford to put gas in it.
%
All my targeted internet ads seem to be for funeral homes.
%
I wish this vacation would never end.
But, then, It would not be a vacation -- would it?
%
My wife uses a spreadsheet to keep track of gossip.
%
Surely they don't expect me to pay a credit card they've canceled?
%
Growing old is inevitable.
Growing up is optional.
%
Submitted the cookbook I wrote to my editor.
Her title suggestion: When Bad Food Happens To Good People.
%
I hate it when I'm trying to spell a word and the phone can't do it either.
%
You never realize how long a minute is until you exercise.
%
I thought of building a diaper manufacturing plant.
But research showed the market was completely saturated.
%
I put a tube of tartar-fighting toothpaste in a jar of tartar sauce.
Nothing happened.
%
I was asked if I wanted to be in a magic show.
It was a trick question.
%
She always said she loved diamonds.
For her birthday I took her to a baseball game.
%
I'm saving money by canceling my trash service.
I put my trash in an Amazon box and leave in on the porch.
%
I'm not overweight.
I'm just gravity enhanced.
%
Folks are obsessed these days with finding fault with everything.
And, I know just which folks to blame!
%
I'VE BEEN TOLD YOU CAN ACTUALLY TURN OFF CAPS LOCK
%
I am not in denial.
I'm just very selective about the reality I accept.
%
Don't call me lazy.
Call me motivationally challenged.
%
Inflation has really gone up!
It just cost me $5 to air up my tires.29
%
Because of inflation, a picture is only worth about 700 words.
%
Our baseball team is sponsored by Arid Extra Dry.
And yet, they still stink.
%
I'm a kleptomaniac.
I took both Gold and Silver at the Olympics.
%
I am a quite busy procrastinator.
Today I make my plans to do everything tomorrow.
%
I ordered a hot dog with everything on it.
A wiener take all.
%
Some guy just gave me half of a peace sign.
%
I'm a very good ventriloquist, even though I say so myself.
%
Snakes: they're like bits of rope, only angrier.
%
If ignorance truly was bliss,
this would be the happiest nation on earth.
%
I have lots of initiative.
Just dunno when to use it.
%
I'm back to panhandling on the street.
GoFundMe lacked the human contact.
%
My kid is a super smart student.
She even has A.P. lunch.
%
Why, yes, I'm pretty old.
My birth certificate is filled out in Roman Numerals.
%
I was going to join the debating team.
But I was talked out of it.
%
Breakfast: The collective noun for a group of chicken eggs.
%
I already have all of the side effects.
I may as well fill that prescription.
%
I'm using a new technique to create my passwords.
I'm using the predictive texts on my phone.
%
I take an immediate dislike to people.
It saves time.
%
A truck loaded with thousands of copies of Roget's Thesaurus crashed! losing, its entire load.
Witnesses were stunned, startled, aghast, taken aback, stupefied, confused, shocked, rattled, paralyzed, dazed, bewildered, mixed up, surprised, awed, dumbfounded, nonplussed, flabbergasted, astounded, amazed, confounded, astonished, overwhelmed, horrified, numbed, speechless, and perplexed.
%
I've had six jobs in the last year.
It's so hard to find good bosses these days.
%
My Senator was on Face The Nation, then Meet The Press.
All along he was doing Dodge The Question.
%
As a young woman, you think you want a caring, attentive man.
But then you realize that's what friends are for.
%
At my age, Long Range Planning pretty much covers tomorrow.
%
Remember: Silent is the anagram for Listen.
%
I have yet to inform my family about my new hearing aids.
But first I will be updating my will.
%
It turns out the worst things in life are also free.
%
There's a reason the car's rear view mirror is so small and the windshield is so large.
Where you're going is more important than where you've been.
%
I'm old, and I still don't have all the answers.
But I think I know all the questions.
%
My problem: I can't get the body I want using the body I have.
%
I'm not hard of hearing. I'm just hard of listening.
%
Why did ancient people bury their cities?
%
A Herd: The collective noun for a group of eavesdroppers.
%
Never tell your cat your troubles.
They don't care and think the less of you for believing so.
%
Timing is important in planning a meal.
Make sure the pizza arrives during a commercial.
%
My dog isn't really stupid.
He just chases too many parked cars.
%
My grandchild's visit was all chaos.
I had a bad heir day.
%
I used to climb trees as a youth.
Eventually the fire department blocked our number.
%
There are rules for dealing with the IRS.
Rule 1: It is better to give than to deceive.
%
Just what is the speed of dark?
%
Our research has produced great answers.
We need to figure out which questions they go with.
%
The town lawyer's funeral was yesterday.
All attendees wore a retainer.
%
The credit card company is demanding I pay my bill.
That's OK, they also said it was their final notice.
%
It took a lot of effort to teach my pet turtle to roll over.
And, also, I finally got him to play dead.
%
It's a great sea food restaurant.
Their fish come from only the finest schools.
%
My new bathroom scale is body-shaming me.
%
I took my date to the most expensive place in town.
After the gas station I took her to dinner.
%
I've been accused of living in the past.
You've seen what's happening present, haven't you?
%
I let my cat pick my passwords by walking over the keyboard.
%
If you can't say anything nice, then say it on social media.
%
I could've done so much more in life.
But I didn't want to wake the cat in my lap.
%
I can't watch surfing competition on TV.
I get seasick just channel surfing.
%
Schadenfreude is taking pleasure in the misfortune of others.
I'm so glad I'm not like those losers.
%
My job has it's ups and downs.
Well, we are a hot air balloon touring company.
%
I thought there was a thin person inside me crying to get out.
Turns out it was just my stomach growling.
%
I could work from home.
But I fear a hostile work environment.
%
My friend tells me their home has a laundry shoot.
That's one competition I'd never heard of.
%
They tell me, A little modesty wouldn't kill you.
So true. I have so much to be modest about.
%
I used to be a fairly nice person.
But people ruined it for me.
%
Great fishing is just a matter of timing.
It's always, "You should've been here yesterday!"
%
They moved the Worcestershire plant from England to India.
It's called outsaucing.
%
Sure, exercising feels great.
Until you compare it to not exercising.
%
I made a killing in the stock market.
My nest egg was the only casualty.
%
We're to meet at the Optimist Club.
Unless either of us gets hit by a bus or something.
%
I don't want to have the time of my life.
I want to have the time of some millionaire's life.
%
Unattended children will be given an espresso and a free puppy.
%
I'm enjoying my golf game much more these days.
I stopped keeping score.
%
Today I gave the eulogy for Clyde, the carpenter.
I believe I nailed it.
%
There's a difference between congress and golf.
In congress you can improve your lie.
%
I won the 50 Meter butterfly.
What am I going to do with an insect that big?
%
The judge has a stutter.
So it doesn't look like I'm getting a sentence.
%
My new dishwasher is ruining my best paper plates.
%
I'm so glad I joined the Cliche Support Group.
It was a no-brainer -- a real game changer.
%
11:59:59 AM. is my favorite time of the day. It's second to noon.
%
Why, oh why don't people poof reed stuff before they post it?
%
The Spell Czech on my computer has yet to fail me.
%
Watched a new daytime TV soap opera about an airport.
It's called Delays of Our Lives.
%
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the bathroom with an air horn.
We'll hear about it soon enough.
%
I had just two eggs for my diet breakfast.
Cadbury -- left over from Easter.
%
If I could have any job, what would I be?
Depressed.
%
I told my wife I wanted to be an organ donor.
I now have appointments for all of next week.
%
I'll have you know my memory is tip-top.
I can't remember the last time I forgot anything.
%
The village electrician's funeral was yesterday.
Everyone came in shorts.
%
Why do meteorites always land in craters?
%
I've made a few mistakes in my life.
Good luck finding any evidence..
%
Sundays are always a little sad, but the day before is a sadder day.
%
I may never perfect human cloning.
I won't be able to live with myself.
%
I just published a book on reverse psychology.
Don't buy it!
%
Exaggerations went up by a million percent last year.
%
Buffet is a French word that means get up and get it yourself.
%
I like to tell chimney jokes.
I've got a stack of them. The first one is on the house.
%
My uncle invented the cold air balloon.
It never really took off.
%
I'm addicted to brake fluid, but I can stop whenever I want.
%
conjunctivitis.com –- a site for sore eyes.
%
Those new corduroy pillows are making headlines.
%
There's no I in Denial.
%
I just ate a kid's meal at McDonald's.
His mother was furious.
%
I always remember my wife's birthday.
The secret? That one time forgetting it.
%
I can't decide which room not to clean first.
%
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
%
Sometimes I shoot off at the mouth.
I have turrets syndrome.
%
War is God's way of teaching Americans geography.
%
I heard about those exploding Samsung Galaxy phones.
Now I have my Christmas shopping list complete.
%
Idiots! Snowmen don't need scarves.
%
I'm concerned about the solvency of my bank.
All the ATMs today claim Insufficient Funds.
%
In my class, fifty two percent of the students were good at math.
I was one of the other thirty eight percent.
%
Telling a 2-year old to calm down works much like trying to baptize a cat.
%
I just knew my parents hated me.
My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
%
If you're violent but also creative, try paintball.
%
Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
%
I'm in a long distance relationship.
Her restraining order runs for another year.
%
Thanks to Facebook, I never forget the birthdays of people I don't really know.
%
I stepped on my bathroom scale.
The display read, One at a time please.
%
They keep digging up old cities in the middle east.
Why did ancient people bury everything?
%
We haven't see any recent photos of The Loch Ness Monster.
Gee... I hope she's OK.
%
Late year I was turned down for a loan, a credit card, a mortgage, and a car loan.
How is it that my identity thief was able to open 6 credit cards in my name?
%
We can copy any document for you.
We do not require the original.
%
Say what you want about deaf people...
%
In politics, absurdity is not a handicap.
%
Before getting my Liberal Arts Degree, I used to think I'll die of hunger.
Now, I'm quite sure of it.
%
I only drink on days beginning with T.
Tuesday, Thursday, today and tomorrow.
%
I got myself into this, and I'll get myself even deeper into this.
%
I've gotten a lot of catfish on dating sites.
I had to get fishing license.
%
I love you just the way you are.
Though I do have a few suggestions.
%
I'm having an introvert party and you're all not invited.
%
Dr. told me I have the body of a 18-year-old.
And what I've done to it is a crime in all 50 U.S. states.
%
I can usually get a girl's phone number.
Just have to work up the courage to go through her trash.
%
I always wanted to procrastinate.
Just never got around to it.
%
With my luck I'll probably be reincarnated as me.
%
I enjoy watching the ball drop in Times Square.
It's a nice reminder of what I did all year.
%
There are so many scams on the Internet these days..
But for just $19.95 I can show you how to avoid them.
%
Tennis would be way more exciting if they used dogs for ball boys.
%
What does reading comprehension even mean?
%
Your story was really great.
That's why I had my eyes closed -- trying to imagine it.
%
I finally married Miss Right.
Only later did I find out her first name was Always.
%
Tomorrow is a big day for me at work.
They are refilling the snack vending machine.
%
I tried water polo but my horse drowned.
%
Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.
%
I applied for a job today and they ask for three references.
I wrote, a dictionary, a Thesaurus, and a map.
%
Life is tough enough without having someone kick you from the inside.
%
My wife still hasn't told me what my New Year's resolutions are.
%
Scientist: Findings are meaningless if taken out of context.
Media: Scientist claims Findings are meaningless.
%
I am good at selling security alarms door to door.
If no one is home, I leave a brochure on the kitchen table.
%
My nephew found a 8-track tape in my house.
It was like watching early man discover fire.
%
If I'd shot you sooner, I'd be out of jail by now.
%
Sorry I'm late! I was at home sitting down.
%
People wrongly assume I've got a good personality because I'm ugly.
%
Being a hypochondriac is going to save my life one of these days
%
I told my date to text me when she got home.
She must be homeless.
%
The last airline I flew charged for everything.
Except for the bad service. That was free.
%
I can totally keep secrets.
It's the people I tell them to that can't.
%
Being an adult is just walking around wondering what you're forgetting.
%
I gave up on my 401K plan.
Now I'm working on my 911 plan.
%
Fishing is a sport, isn't it?
Maybe I'll get a scholarship.
%
My friend thinks bartenders are boring.
I think they're intoxicating people.
%
I want to be less cynical.
But I know that'll never happen.
%
I helped my wife cook dinner last night.
I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
%
My nephew just wrote a paper for History Class about The Korean War.
I wrote the very same paper for school -- in Current Events Class.
%
The newer medical drugs cause serious side effects.
Mostly they cause poverty.
%
I just got the agenda for my Apathy Group's next meeting.
It contained nothing in particular.
%
I had an uncle who went to Harvard Medical School...
... as a cadaver.
%
I sent my manuscript in via First Class Mail.
They replied that junk mail can be sent third class.
%
I just signed up on ancestry.com
I want to find out if I'm related to my ancestors.
%
Candy companies and I have different definitions for BITE-SIZED.
And theirs is wrong.
%
It seems my recent date and I have much in common.
Unfortunately, photoshopping online photos was one thing.
%
The little red schoolhouse now creates little read children.
%
I had to quit my career playing the air guitar.
I can no longer haul all that equipment.
%
I'm no good before my first cup of coffee.
Pretty much the same after.
%
I was just robbed at the gas station.
It was pump number 4.
%
So, over the years I've encountered <b>a lot</b> of people.
Now I understand why Noah only took animals on the boat.
%
The book's title was Mood Swings.
I laughed. I cried.
%
Went to see a specialist for a medical issue.
It's easily cured by medical science and a massive amount of money.
%
My chiropractor says it'll rain tomorrow.
He could feel it in my bones.
%
Sometimes I think about doing good and helping others.
Then I ask myself a simple question -- what's in it for me?
%
When I take a wrong turn, I always go the extra mile.
%
Her soup had been simmering all day.
It tasted very angry.
%
How hot is it?
I saw a wiener dog with toasted buns.
%
I let my mind wander.
It has not returned.
%
Scotch on the Rocks.
In success I deserve it; in failure I need it.
%
I recently moved into a gated community.
I owe it all to my friends and insider trading.
%
Stupidity, like virtue, is its own reward.
%
If I didn't jump to conclusions,
I wouldn't get any exercise at all.
%
It is said that good triumphs over evil.
Lately the point spread has been very narrow.
%
A fun thing to do in the morning is not talk to me.
%
Folks say the land north of Texas is rough.
But I think it's OK.
%
I've been going to the gym a lot lately.
Their TV sports package is better than mine.
%
There is no statute of limitations on stupidity.
%
You can tell it's a bachelor's apartment.
The house plants are dead, but there's something growing in the fridge.
%
Never tell your Sergeant or your wife you have nothing to do.
%
Fishermen don't lie -- they just tell interesting stories.
%
One issue with trouble is that it usually starts out like fun.
%
There's an old proverb that says just about whatever you want it to.
%
RING! RING! Hello. Does Fred Schwartz work there?
He hasn't yet.
%
Instead of arguing with facts and logic, employ a thought-terminating cliche.
%
Marriage is much easier to get into than out of.
%
I had my patience tested.&emsp;I'm negative.
%
Nothing is quite so annoying as having someone keep talking when I'm interrupting.
%
Most of us are closer to outer space than our birthplace.
%
You can fool some of the people all of the time,
and you can fool all of the people some of the time.
But you can make a fool of yourself anytime.
%
If you're not on a government watch list by now, you should ashamed of yourself.
%
When I say "the other day" I could be referring any time between yesterday and WW II.
%
I' m often asked what I did over the weekend.
I just squint and ask, "Why! What did you hear?"
%
Car manuals in the 1960s told you how to adjust valve clearances.
Now they tell you not to drink the battery fluid.
%
I spent half my money on whiskey and women.
The other half I wasted,
%
Unlimited self-confidence is no substitute for knowledge.
%
Remember hobbies?
Hobbies are what we use to do before we had cellphones.
%
I hope that when I die, people say,
Boy, that guy sure owed me a lot of money.
%
I'd rather decline two drinks than one German adjective.
%
Mom called me gifted because she would not have paid for me.
%
Being early is a prediction error based on pessimism.
Being late is a prediction error based on optimism
%
There is nothing more expensive than a free boat.
%
Never vacation in a place where you are in the middle of the food chain.
%
Sleep is awesome because it's like death without the commitment.
%
The secret ingredient is usually butter -- in obscene amounts.
%
If my answers frighten you, then you should cease asking scary questions.
%
Hi! Do you work here?
They think I do.
%
More money has been lost because of four words.
</i>This time it's different</i>.
%
The beauty of leaving things till the last minute is it only takes one minute to do them.
%
Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings.
They did it by killing everyone who got in their way.
%
Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.
%
I've learned that pleasing <u>everyone</u> is impossible.
But, pissing <u>everyone</u> off is a piece of cake!
%
I never did aspire to be wealthy or famous.
So far, so good.
%
Marketing always trumps product quality.
Just look at bottled water.
%
Isn't it scary that doctors call what they do a practice?
%
Just because nobody complains doesn't mean all parachutes are perfect.
%
Joseph Priestley discovered oxygen in 1774.
I dunno what folks were breathing before that.
%
You're never too old to learn a new language.
I'm fluent in Medicare, and I've mastered texting shortcuts.
%
My drug test came back negative.
My dealer sure has some explaining to do.
%
I fought the lawn, and the lawn won.
%
Dr., You check has returned.
Me, Well, so has my eczema.
%
I tried to change my password to penis.
It was rejected because it was too short.
%
My wife and I were happy for 22 years; then we met.
%
Do I win when the TSA agent says papers and I say scissors?
%
My doctor told me I need to get some rest.
Doesn't sitting in her waiting room for 2 hours count?
%
He passed away in his sleep.
At least he died doing what he loved.
%
If you live long enough to see the Big Picture,
you'll find your eyesight is failing you.
%
The descendants of Tyrannosaurus Rex are all around you.
Birds!&nbsp; Be afraid!!&nbsp; Be very afraid!!!
%
I've been in a terrible state lately.
But, enough about New Jersey.
%
Today is the first day of the rest of your life.
How much can be expected of you on your first day?
%
Power corrupts. And atomic power corrupts atomically.
%
You're not allowed to smile on your government id.
That way it matches your expression anytime you need to use it.
%
We threw a dart at the world map to decide on the destination for our next trip.
Where are we going?&nbsp; Behind the fridge.
%
There's a lot of stress involved with attending a class reunion.
That's where Ford and Chevy owners tell each other their BMWs and Saabs are in the shop.
%
A guest who comes with sticky buns should not sit in the host's couch.
%
I'm going to start calling my wife by the name AutoCorrect thinks she has.
%
Maybe I should join a group of oddballs.
Probably wouldn't fit in there, either.
%
After being seated, we were told the plane would be delayed a good half-hour.
Something told me it won't be that <i>good</i>.
Experience told me it won't be anything <i>like</i> 30 minutes.
%
No one flirts better than a girl who knows you don't live near her.
%
Those two have only one thing in common.
They each got married on the same date.
%
Now they even have a delivery service for perfume.
It's called Dior Dash.
%
The views expressed in these aphorisms do not reflect those of this website.
%
I misunderstood and put all my money into the best socks.
%
Cat owners don't live longer than dog owners.
It just seems like it.
%
That movie was kind of bloody.
It should've been rated O Positive.
%
Forced to read my kid 2 bedtime stories each night.
We live in a two story house.
%
My cellphone battery died.
That's OK. My texting needed some drama, anyway.
%
I once had a trim body and a thick head of hair.
Now I'm thin on top and thick in the middle.
%
I weighed six pounds at birth.
Now I have six pounds of skin tags.
%
I think I'll send my boy and his dog to the same obedience school.
%
I offered the her a window into my soul.
She told me to get drapes.
%
I submitted the manuscript for my crime novel.
They published it as a coloring book.
%
Technically I <i>am</i> in my Dream Job.
I have that nightmare several times per week.
%
According to the state patrol breathalyzer, I haven't been drinking -- or flossing.
%
I got laid off at the mirror factory.
I was told it was no reflection on me.
%
I complained because the onion soup looks like dishwater.
Nope!, I was told. It's the barley soup that looks like dish water.
%
It's not a problem of being out of shape.
It's that I have <u>too</u> much shape.
%
I am quite capable of multi-tasking.
Why, right now I'm sitting <u>and</u> reading.
%
<b>Foreploy</b> (V.): Any misrepresentation about oneself for the purpose of sex
%
<b>Coffee</b> (N.), the person upon whom one coughs
%
<b>Abdicate</b> (V.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach
%
<b>Esplanade</b> (V.), to attempt an explanation while drunk
%
<b>Lymph</b> (V.), to walk with a lisp
%
<b>Gargoyle</b> (N.), olive-flavored mouthwash
%
<b>Balderdash</b> (N.), a rapidly receding hairline
%
<b>Testicle</b> (N.), a humorous question on an exam
%
<b>Rectitude</b> (N.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists
%
<b>Pokemon</b> (N.), a Rastafarian proctologist
%
<b>Oyster</b> (N.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms
%
<b>Circumvent</b> (N.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men
%
That's the second First Baptist Church I've driven by.
One of'em is lying.
%
If you make it to the airport, you've already overcome the deadliest part of the trip.
%
So what if 98% if the people in the world find you unattractive?
That means there are still 79 billion people that do find you attractive.
%
They asked me for three letters of recommendation.
So: <b>&nbsp;M &nbsp; &nbsp;E &nbsp; &nbsp;H</b>
%
Accidentally used my husband's body wash.
I just got a 33% pay raise.
%
This is my stepladder.
I never knew my real ladder.
%
He's the kinda guy who follows you into a revolving door and comes out ahead of you.
%
Memory is something that reminds you of what you forgot to do.
%
Each year it takes less time to fly to Europe and more time to get to the office.
%
It seems to take more brains to do your taxes than to make the income.
%
People who talk too fast often say things they haven't thought of yet.
%
Frustration is not having anyone to blame but yourself.
%
Horse Sense is what keeps horses from betting on what people do.
%
It'd be nice to be as sure of anything as some people are of everything.
%
The time to stop talking is <i>before</i> people stop listening.
%
I finally got an offer for the car I'm selling.
It's $50 if it has a full tank of gas.
%
Honey, is this flax seed milk supposed to be healthy?
Dear, I don't like it either.
%
I believe worrying really works.
More that 90% of the stuff I worry about never happens.
%
An escalator can never break.
It can only become stairs.
%
My fear of moving stairs is escalating.
%
Two silk worms had a race.
They ended up in a tie.
%
If Walmart is lowering prices every day,
why isn't anything in the store free yet?
%
Women should not have children after 35.
Really, 35 children are way more than enough.
%
As a non-chef, I know what's needed for chopping shallots.
Band-Aids!
%
Tell folks their brain is an app.
Maybe they'll start using it.
%
Take my advice.
I'm not using it.
%
I have all the money I need --
if I die before 4:00 this afternoon.
%
My favorite Summer outdoor activity is looking for shade.
%
My husband cleaned out the garage after I told him I saw a raccoon in there.
Next week I'll put the raccoon in his bathroom.
%
About half the time the gas in my tank is worth more than the car.
%
My Dr. said it's a supply chain issue and a closed port.
Me? I think it's constipation.
%
I'm allergic to exercise.
It makes me break out in excuses.
%
My wife said she wanted a divorce.
I asked her to chose something less expensive.
%
My Dr. said it was Contact Dermatitis.
I think that was just a rash decision.
%
You never know what really triggers anger -- until you learn to golf.
%
My grandmother used to drive like lightning.
She struck a lot of trees.
%
My Gemini horoscope was bad today.
So today I'll identify as Scorpio.
%
The U.S.A. is a great country!
Without Freedom of Speech, how could we spot the idiots?
%
Dinner tonight was extra special.
All the ingredients were inside their expiration dates.
%
I tried listening to a sea shell I found at the beach.
I heard that I needed to get my car's extended warranty.
%
My credit card was stolen today.
Joke's on them. I maxed it out yesterday.
%
Clothing styles from the 60's are coming back.
Big Problem; I was wearing diapers back in the 60's!
%
Today was Take a Child to Work Day.
Nothing was said about bringing them back.
%
Thieves were apprehended stealing beehives.
It was a sting operation.
%
Dunno if I'm left-brained or right-brained.
Politics are not my forté.
%
They say money is the way to keep score.
Seems like I'm playing without a goalie.
%
I ordered eggs; she ordered chicken.
We'll see which plate come first.
%
There's no stopping me ... or starting me.
%
I wanted to stop sleepwalking.
But my Dr. said I needed the exercise.
%
I've been rejected as many times as a wrinkled $1 bill in a vending machine.
%
Experience is a cruel teacher.
You get the test first, and then the lesson.
%
People are more violently opposed to fur than leather.
It is safer to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs.
%
That was a great party!
Can't wait until her next wedding.
%
I've been accused of being apathetic.
Does it look like I care?
%
In what year was I born?
My first year.
%
My first watch was a sundial.
%
They were selling 16 pizzas for $15, and 12 pizzas for $12.
So I offered them $3 for a Difference Pizza.
%
There's a self-help group for compulsive talkers.
It's called On and On Anon.
%
I'm still looking for a decaffeinated coffee table.
%
My wife asked for my choice of colors for new bed sheets.
What?!?! Don't we sleep with our eyes closed?
%
When I was a boy we had to wait for lightning to start the cook fire.
%
My friend dates a lot of shallow men.
She has a problem with depth perception.
%
Last night I dreamt I was a catalytic converter.
I woke up exhausted.
%
I blame my weight problem on bad genetics.
I was born with a mouth and a stomach.
%
My boss dropped by and said, I don't know what we'd do without you.
Then he said, Let's find out.
%
There are unseen forces in my life.
Like aging and gravity for two.
%
The problem with deficit spending is that it's too easy.
%
If it wasn't for Senior Moments, I wouldn't have any moments at all.
%
I'm at the age where I don't have to sugarcoat what I say.
%
A friend is a Fashion Influencer.
Nobody would want to wear what he wears.
%
Why are they still inventing new vegetables?
%
The gas pump just asked me if I would like to apply for financing.
%
A golfer beat off a mugger by hitting him 5 times with a golf club.
But he told the police it was only 4 times.
%
The obituaries always read, ... died surrounded by loved ones.
Can't see that I'll ever die.
%
Drat! I thought I'd lost weight.
It was just the elastic in my underwear giving out.
%
Good advice is to not shop for food when you're hungry.
So, too, is not shopping for clothes when you're naked.
%
Raising children is like a video game with rules you discover as you play.
%
As a child I thought summer school was to learn about summer.
%
The price of gas went up twice while I was pumping today.
%
IMHO everyone is too opinionated.
%
I need to be 16 again!
I know what to do this time.
%
Selling my college degree.
Good condition. Never been used.
%
Men need to seriously study women.
In the same way they study sports they don't play.
%
My wife did an online search for my name.
Now she thinks she married the wrong guy.
%
I took the easy way out as it concerned my education.
Looking for a job where they tell you,
"Forget everything you learned in college."
%
My neighbor lost her husband last week.
No, he's not dead ... he just took off.
%
Couldn't decide what to have for dinner.
So I asked what the car in front of me ordered.
%
I was driven to become a lawyer by my father.
I watched his personal injury lawyer take forty percent.
%
The Déjà Vu Society claims they lost my application.
Like I've never heard that before.
%
Our Parisian tour guide would only take us to sites of his choosing.
We were under extreme Pierre pressure.
%
Except for me, my husband would still be lost in that IKEA.
%
Coral is either the dumbest animal or the smartest rock.
%
I could try to be more optimistic.
But, what good could it do?
%
My science class has a test on Mars tomorrow.
I dunno yet how we'll get there.
%
It's cruelly ironic that DYNAMO is an anagram for MONDAY.
%
Middle age is when you select your breakfast cereal for its fiber, not the toy.
%
I'm so old it's silly for me to sign up for any extended warranty.
%
Growing old is when your dreams are replaced by regrets.
%
It's National Veggie Burger Day.
Well, the less said about that, the better.
%
Some people leave lasting footprints.
Others work hard to cover their tracks.
%
When I was a boy, I had a disease that required me to eat dirt three times a day.
It's a good thing my older brother told me about it.
%
Filled my tank, and now my car is worth double what it was.
%
The Lowe's Paint Department will mix your fancy peanut butter for you.
%
I've really improved my handwriting.
Now <i>everyone</i> knows I can't spell.
%
I can remember leaving the house without a phone and not panicking.
%
In congress they often play Squabble.
It's like Scrabble, but they use only confrontational words.
%
The shorter the time you have for a connecting flight,
the farther away the next gate will be.
%
I have a jar full of money in my car for tolls.
It doubles as a swear jar.
%
Often my doctor says something is normal for my age.
But dying is kind of normal at this age, too.
%
Aging gracefully is a kind way of saying you're slowly looking worse.
%
You're not old until a teenager describes you as middle-aged.
%
Millennials! Walking around like they rent the place.
%
This is not what adulthood looked like in the brochure.
%
Boys will be boys.
And so will a lot of middle-aged men.
%
I'm so old my first vehicle came with a sextant.
%
Lately the news is so bad I turn to the obituaries first.
%
It's better to pay full price than to admit you're a senior citizen.
%
When you think about how you'd like to relive your youth,
think of algebra.
%
When I was a kid, my imaginary friend would play with the kid across the street.
%
The older I grow the more I listen to people that don't talk much.
%
I was born in 1962... and the room next to me was 1963.
%
When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.
%
I'll never make the mistake of being 70 again.
%
My health is good; it's my age that's bad.
%
Pastry chefs know that old age crepes up on you.
%
When you're 20 and you drop something, you pick it up.
When you're 80 you realize you don't need it anymore..
%
I'm not hard of hearing. I've just heard enough.
%
So many candles... so little cake.
%
I finished the puzzle in six months.
Ha! The box said 4 to 6 years.
%
They were collecting donations for a local swimming pool.
So I gave them a bucket of water.
%
It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffeemaker.
%
Now-a-days half the stuff in my shopping cart says, <b>For Fast Relief</b>.
%
My age? Is it important for you to know?
Because I guess I could find out for you.
%
I found closure earlier today.
My fly was open.
%
Alimony occurs when two people make a mistake and one continues to pay for it.
%
Alcohol is a liquid that preserves almost everything except secrets.
%
A bachelor is a man who never makes the same mistake once.
%
A committee is a body that keeps minutes and loses hours.
%
Experience is the name folks give to their mistakes.
%
The first half of one's life is ruined by their parents.
And the second half is ruined by their children.
%
Obesity is a surplus gone to waist.
%
A Scotchman wears kilts because they have no pockets.
%
People who live in glass houses shouldn't.
%
An 'aye' for an I, muttered the candidate as he voted for himself.
%
I can cut down any size tree.
I've yet to be stumped.
%
I found a button in my salad.
I guess it fell out during the salad dressing.
%
An electric chair is a piece of period furniture.
It is used to end a sentence.
%
I would tell you about the girl who dyed her hair.
But it's an off color story.
%
Some parting advice: Put a little water on the comb.
%
Every dog has his day.
Those with bent tails have week ends.
%
Free verse is the triumph of mind over meter.
%
Better to have loved a short person
than to never have loved a tall.
%
Fallen rain goes up in dew time.
%
The beef on the menu was available in 3, 5, 7, and 11 ounces.
It was prime rib.
%
I made a mistake telling my fiancée about my rich uncle.
She's my aunt now.
%
A manicurist and a dentist got married.
They fight tooth and nail.
%
A fella has promised to marry 3 different ladies.
He has such engaging ways.
%
She's been asked to get married many times
-- by her mother and father.
%
"You think more of that old radio than you do of me"
"Well, I get less interference from it."
%
Seems like common sense would prevent a lot of divorces.
But, then, it would've prevented a lot of marriages, too.
%
My conscience told me not to do it.
But, I don't always believe everything I hear.
%
How can we as a nation agree on anything,
when we cannot agree which way the toilet paper roll should go?
%
I've reached that age, where at night I spend
more time going to the bathroom than going to sleep.
%
Middle age is when your waist number passes your inseam number.
%
Some people don't know the difference between entomology and etymology.
They bug me in ways I cannot put into words.
%
The police recently raided a local fraternity house.
It's a closed chapter now.
%
A double positive never infers a negative.
Yeah, right.
%
The checkout machine did not approve my credit card.
It wasn't too crazy about my choice of boxer shorts, either.
%
I wonder about the big bank in town.
They have more vice presidents than depositors.
%
You know you aren't allowed to smoke while working.
Who says I'm working?
%
Everybody sticks their nose into my business.
I make handkerchiefs.
%
My friend laughed when I spoke with the waiter in French.
What I'd told the waiter was to give my friend the bill.
%
Other than fish for brain food, there's also noodle soup.
%
Is there any soup on the menu?
No. I believe I wiped it all off.
%
Waiter, there's a fly in my jelly.
No. I believe he's in rather a jam.
%
Diner, "Do you serve crabs here?"
Maître d', "We serve anyone; please be seated."
%
"Did you just tip the check room lady $20?"
"Sure! See the nice coat she gave me!"
%
My car is painted blue on one side and red on the other.
The courtroom is always abuzz with witnesses contradicting each other.
%
The horn on my car sometimes acts indifferent
It just doesn't give a hoot.
%
I slowly write love letters to my girl.
She can't read fast.
%
One scotch and water usually makes me dizzy.
Usually it's the eighth one.
%
Unsteady before the judge, I pleaded habitual thirst.
%
One swallow does not make a Summer.
Several swallows of liquor can make a Fall.
%
Guess I'll hit the hay, said the farmer as he fell off the barn.
%
You can always identify a dogwood tree -- by its bark.
%
I once dated a school teacher.
She would keep me an hour after for being naughty.
%
I saw a sign in the hardware store window: <b>CAST IRON SINKS</b>
Well, any damn fool knows that.
%
Sheriff, Pardon, miss, but swimming isn't permitted in this lake.
Young lady, Then why didn't you tell me before I got undressed?
Sheriff. Well, there's no law forbidding undressing.
%
Friend has a duck farm.
Business isn't picking up; it's picking down.
%
A sign in the country mercantile: <b>Ladies Ready To Wear Clothes</b>
Well, it's certainly about time!
%
I had no trouble with my French on my Paris vacation.
But the locals did.
%
He didn't leave her much when he died.
But he left her a lot when he was alive.
%
She did not say yes when he first proposed.
That's because she wasn't there.
%
She would only marry a man who knows life and learned its sorrows.
In other words: a widower.
%
She suffers for her beliefs.
She believes she can wear a size 5 shoe on a size 8 foot.
%
She looked like she was poured into that dress.
Yes, and forgot to say, When!
%
What would I like for my birthday?
Not to be reminded of it.
%
She thought he was crazy about her.
Not so. He was crazy long before.
%
She is going to marry the X-ray technician.
Perhaps he saw something in her.
%
There is a deep secret connected with her birth.
The date.
%
I enjoy cooking my family and pets.
Use commas. Don't be a psycho.
%
Don't blame a clown for acting like a clown.
Blame yourself for going to the circus.
%
Yes, I know. There are other fish in the sea.
But the last one took all my bait.
%
She seems to be two-thirds married to him.
She's willing. The preacher is willing. ...
%
Wine is for women, as duct tape is to men.
It fixes pretty much everything.
%
The problem with political jokes is they get elected.
%
Ii before e except when there is
a feisty heist by a weird foreign neighbor.
%
Snowman for sale.
Assembly required.
%
And so ends another day where I acted like I knew what I was doing.
%
I'm not overbearing.
I just know what you should be doing.
%
People will stare.
Make it worth their while.
%
The difference between fiction and reality?
Fiction has to make sense.
%
One out of 4 people is mentally unbalanced.
Your 3 closest friends seem OK; don't they?
%
Déjà Poo:
The feeling that you've heard this crap before.
%
She was an open book.
He was illiterate.
%
I hope the next big trend in music is <i>talent</i>.
%
Only 2 pieces of my old Air Force uniform still fit.
My hat and my dog tags.
%
We did not go on vacation in 2020 due to COVID-19. The same for 2021.
With things back to normal, now we won't go because we can't afford it.
%
Often the laundry sends back my shirts with different buttons sewn on.
Sometimes they send back my buttons with different shirts sewn on.
%
I learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
%
The town cemetery lost the location of where they buried my uncle.
That was a grave mistake!
%
If I disagree with you, that's free speech.
If you disagree with me, that's targeted harassment.
%
A colleague taught his pet bird to talk dirty.
He was cited for contributing to the delinquency of a myna.
%
I can't understand people wearing masks.
It's not criticism. I read lips.
%
Once a week I have a meet-up with the local stoners.
It's the local kidney stone support group.
%
My friend tells me she does yoga 3 times a day.
That is probably a bit of a stretch.
%
Two cannibals were eating a clown.
The one asks, Does this taste funny to you?
%
Nothing messes up your Friday like realizing it's only Tuesday.
%
If the USA changed from pounds to kilograms overnight,
would it create mass confusion?
%
My 3 favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
%
All my fake plants died.
I forgot to pretend to water them.
%
My imaginary friends tell me I need therapy.
%
I'm way too young to be this old already.
%
I'm not mumbling.
I'm speaking cursive.
%
I'm fairly sure I had a good time last night.
We'll know more after we read the police report.
%
When you stop believing in Santa, you get underwear.
%
Any restaurant can be a drive through if you don't care about your car.
%
My soulmate is out there somewhere --
pushing a PULL door... I just know it.
%
I just saved a bundle on my car insurance.
I shifted into reverse and left the scene.
%
If your coffee order is more than four words, you are part of the problem.
%
If it ever turns out that I am the responsible adult,
we are in very, very deep trouble.
%
Folks are surprised when I tell'em I have a 4.0 GPA while working full time.
However, anything is possible when you lie.
%
The good news is, I'm pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is, I'm pretty much who I say I am.
%
We did not order anything online yesterday.
Today the UPS guy checked to see if we're OK.
%
No matter how low I set the bar of expectations,
some people still manage to slog right under it.
%
Some things are better left unsaid.
Which I usually realize too late.
%
I always mean what I say.
I don't always mean to say it <i>out loud...</i>
%
My life seems like a test I did not study for.
%
I finally wrote something that was accepted by a magazine.
It was a check for a year's subscription.
%
My security chief told me to watch the office.
So far I up to season 3, but I can't see any connection with security.
%
One coffee, please -- without cream.
We have no cream. You'll have to take it without milk.
%
Nurse, what happens after we die?
We clean the bed and admit a new patient.
%
Gasoline prices have reached new highs.
I have engaged friends that are registered at the Texaco station.
%
Both my spouse and I have the same goal:
To maintain control of my life.
%
My doctor told me I was as sound as a dollar.
Now I'm really worried.
%
I did not have imaginary friends as a child.
No.I had imaginary enemies.
%
Blowing on the wine in your mug will convince the Zoom meeting that your tea is hot.
%
My FBI Agent girlfriend broke up with me.
I'm now #1 on her 10 Least Wanted list.
%
A guy fell onto the airport baggage carousel.
He was knocked out, but he's coming around.
%
There are so many new conspiracy theories.
That's because all the old ones came true.
%
A friend living near Chernobyl only recently saw <i><u>Chernobyl Diaries</u></i>.
He counted 9 historical inaccuracies in that film on just one hand.
%
<B>PART-TIME EMPLOYEES
MUST WASH ONE HAND</b>
%
There are two types of comedy I enjoy:
Self-defecating humor, and malaprops.
%
My friend told me I don't really get comedy
I think he was joking.
%
My chiropractor is doing stand up comedy.
He really cracks me up.
%
The price of smartphones are way out of line.
If I fall and hear something crack, I'm hoping it's a bone.
%
Altruism is a bad strategy for True-False tests.
%
My doctor told me to give up the saxophone.
He lives in the apartment below me.
%
My podiatrist uses a simple billing system.
He charges by the foot.
%
They tell me, Age is just a number.
Well, so is my blood pressure and cholesterol.
%
Today is&nbsp; the first day of the rest of your life.
And so is tomorrow.
%
I was told to put my wet cellphone in a container of rice.
Steamed rice was probably not the best choice.
%
Twenty years ago I could paint the town red.
Now I couldn't even do the primer coat.
%
Start worrying -- details to follow.
%
AutoCorrect lends a touch of whimsy to my emails.
%
Alimony is like payments on a car after you totaled it.
%
Doc, it hurts when I go like this.
Then don't go like that, replied the Dr.
%
If I could only lose 10 pounds,
I'd be the weight I thought I'd never be up to.
%
It's unbelievable that there are monkey bars on playgrounds.
Should monkeys be allowed to drink in front of children?
%
I go to as many funerals as I can.
So they'll feel obligated to come to mine.
%
It's a sketchy restaurant.
The menus are printed on fly swatters.
%
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit.
Wisdom is knowing not to put it in a fruit salad.
%
The Tupperware saleswoman was found not guilty.
Her defense was airtight.
%
For tonight's dinner out we decided to go to her favorite restaurant.
Next time it will be to my wife's other favorite restaurant.
%
Our house has his and hers closets in the bedroom.
Or, putting it another way, my wife has two closets.
%
A monk, a priest, and a rabbit enter a blood bank.
The rabbit exclaims, "I think I'm a Type-O."
%
Of course I'm qualified!
I've had dozens of of jobs like this.
%
My senator is like a washing machine.
... stuck in the spin cycle.
%
I used to like puzzles until my marriage became one.
%
I read an article about hypochondria.
I think I've got it.
%
My parents usually change the subject when people inquire about me.
%
Took my vehicle in for scheduled maintenance.
Was told my battery needed a new car.
%
This pretty coed told me we had chemistry.
Then I found out it was an afternoon class.
%
Some people stay longer in an hour than others stay in one week.
%
I miss TV from back in the old days.
Reception was the <i>only</i> bad thing back then.
%
How did I get over the hill without ever making it to the top?
%
The words a dog owner dreads most are, Is this your dog?!?
%
When your only tool is a hammer, everything looks like a thumb.
%
Dr., "How do you feel upon awakening in the morning?"
Me, "Pleasantly surprised."
%
My latest diet just turned my Winter Fat into Spring Rolls.
%
Some folks are like a big bass drum.
Lotsa noise, but nothing on the inside.
%
I've gotten used to the plus size.
But, not so much the plus age.
%
My spending must be getting out of control.
AMEX sent me a letter asking me to start leaving home without it.
%
Just noticed that the Facebook emojis are arranged in the order that my relationships go.
%
I was at my ideal weight when I was at my ideal age.
%
The DMV won't renew my licenses until I get a prescription windshield.
%
I'm at the age where I have favorite jig-saw puzzle brands.
%
Think about how dumb the <i>average</i> person is.
Well, by definition, half are even dumber!
%
Whenever a group picture is called for, they hand me the camera.
%
At my annual review I was asked where I wanted to be in 5 years.
Ideally, suspended with pay.
%
I see a sign saying Caution. Small children playing.
But, Wait! I realize I'm not afraid of small children.
%
I never stop and think before I spout off.
I like to hear my rants for the first time along with everyone else.
%
I thought I was dead when I woke up this morning because nothing hurt.
%
My spouse and I have had 22 fantastic years together.
Not so bad out of the 37.
%
Why do things that happen to stupid people keep happening to me?
%
I borrowed my neighbor's trumpet.
No, I can't play it. And now, neither can he.
%
A friend's marriage had problems that were largely psychological.
He was psycho and she was logical.
%
My ex-wife is deaf, and she left me for a deaf friend.
To be honest, I should've seen the signs.
%
For Sale: Wedding dress, size 8. Worn once by mistake.
%
My wife and I used to fight.
But each time one of realized I was wrong.
%
For Christmas I gave my son a BB gun.
He gave me a t-shirt with a bullseye on the back.
%
Eve asks Adam, Do you love me?
Adam replies, Do I have a choice?
%
My wife brought home some almond milk from the grocery.
I did not know that almonds had nipples.
%
Oh, your husband is a doctor?
Well, mine is the head coach of a fantasy football team.
%
Spoiler alert! The milk has been in the fridge for four weeks.
%
Albert Einstein was a genius and worthy of praise.
His brother Frank was an absolute monster.
%
I'm old enough to remember when emojis were called hieroglyphics.
%
She wanted a puppy. But I didn't want a puppy.
So we compromised and got a puppy.
%
My pet pig's name is Bacon .... Chris P. Bacon.
%
I just asked my husband if he remembers what today is.
Scaring men is so easy.
%
My girlfriend is getting careless about her appearance.
Yeah. I have not seen her in over four months.
%
Why is dyslexia so awkward to spell,
and why can't I remember aphasia when I want to?
%
I come from royalty. The House of Bourbon.
%
Women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
%
A thesaurus is great. There's no other word for it.
%
I failed math so many times in school that I lost count.
%
I saw my doctor about my short-term memory problems.
She made me pay in advance.
%
I'm so lazy I have a smoke alarm with a snooze button.
%
At what age is it appropriate to tell my dog that he's adopted?
%
I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
%
Our class took a trip to the Coca-Cola factory.
Back at school we were given a pop quiz.
%
A giant fly was found in the police station.
They've called in the SWAT team!
%
You can add insult to injury when you're signing somebody's cast.
%
I once went out with an anesthetist -- she was a local girl.
%
I'm so excited and I need to post this! I just shot an 84!
Yep! I'm on my way to the next hole now.
%
My last job offered 104 personal days per year.
They were called Saturday and Sunday.
%
Employees must stop crying before returning to work.
%
The city has a new restaurant named Karma.
There's no menu -- you get what you deserve.
%
Statistics show that 1 out of 3 people in a relationship are cheating.
Now to figure out if it's my wife or my girlfriend...
%
My date suggested we eat at a fast food drive-through.
... in separate cars.
%
Maybe tomorrow's horoscope will run a correction or apology.
%
My liver spots are so large that they're now Rorschach Tests.
%
You've got to hand it to the IRS.
Otherwise they'll just come and take it.
%
My boss always says that overtime pays off in the end.
However, extended lunch hours pay off now.
%
I write fiction ... my to-do lists.
%
I like work. It fascinates me.
I can sit and watch for hours.
%
I thought I wanted a career.
Turns out I just wanted paychecks.
%
A ranch hand fell off a ladder into the horse corral.
He was covered ---- but not by insurance.
%
Why would anyone go to the trouble to write a novel when you can just go out and buy one?
%
I'll admit I'm lazy.
'Sedentary' has too many syllables.
%
I'm so old I remember GALLONS moving faster than DOLLARS on the gas pump.
%
Eating the monster cheeseburger at our local cafe is dangerous!
It comes with fries and last rites.
%
My company has an incentive plan.
If you screw up, you're fired.
%
I only had one Trick or Treater last night.
I think she warned the rest of them.
%
Most of us are closer to being a millionaire than either Jeff Bezos or Elon Musk.
%
Once were were human because of our ability to love.
Now it's because of our ability to select each image containing a bus.
%
If you're laid off from your job at the Unemployment Office,
you still have to show up the next day.
%
The difference between a diameter and a radius? A radius.
%
I try to separate colors. I really do.
But the washing machine mixes them all up again.
%
Some are born great. Some achieve greatness.
Some just grate on others.
%
I went to the furniture store.
Could not find any hide-a-beds.
%
The new cafe advertised Meals Like Mom Served.
It was leftovers.
%
My doctor is postponing my procedure until I'm stronger.
... financially stronger.
%
OK. So I finally learned what poison ivy looks like.
%
Why do they call it a strike when you <u>don't</u> hit the ball?
%
If phones are so smart now-a-days, why do they get lost so often?
%
Luckily I found an amazing donut for my diet.
It contains 50% less sugar than 2 of my old donuts.
%
Seems several congressmen support the Green Lifestyle.
Mostly in 20s, 50s, and 100s.
%
Avoid the potholes.
Seek out the loopholes.
%
I told her it was her best meatloaf ever.
<span style=font-size: 0.7em>I did not say it was good...</span>
%
I no longer can fit into my Levi's.
I've been living beyond my jeans.
%
I totally failed in my freshman refresher courses.
Too much daytime TV -- remedial vegetation.
%
I accidentally took six of my memory pills.
Now I can see into the future.
%
My favorite party trick is not going.
%
You need to be odd to be number one.
%
When does hibernation start?
I plan to participate this year.
%
Taking my dog named Shark to the beach was a Bad Idea!
%
I've never seen anybody smiling while jogging.
So, that's all I need to know about that.
%
I have really bad fishing techniques.
I can't even cast aspersions.
%
Sometimes I'm shy about telling my age.
Usually about ten years shy.
%
My new prescription information says, Keep Away From Children.
Which, when I think about it, is a real convenient side effect.
%
I often shoot in the low 70's.
Not many other golfers pay attention to the temperature.
%
There's lots to be said about growing old.
None of it pleasant.
%
You know it's time to clean the refrigerator
when something closes the door from the inside.
%
If the government was in charge of the desert,
there would be a sand shortage within ten years.
%
The organizer for the Million Agoraphobics March expressed
disappointment in the turnout for last weekend's event.
%
If you have one lawyer in town, she'll go hungry.
If you have two lawyers in town, they'll both get rich.
%
Please hassle me, I thrive on stress.
%
Buckle Up.
It makes it harder for the aliens to suck you out of your car.
%
That's my opinion.&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; It ought to be yours.
%
Just as the anesthesia started taking effect,
I heard my doctor saying, Let's Google it.
%
I've reached the age where eyebrows are growing out of my ears.
%
My cat has his own email account.
/INBOX &nbsp; /OUTBOX &nbsp; /LITTERBOX
%
This year for Lent .... I simply gave up.
%
Sometimes I struggle to get out of the bed in the morning.
But I know the day's bad decisions aren't going to make themselves.
%
More accidents occur around the home than anywhere else.
Unfortunately I was involved in most of them.
%
The last time I left all my worries on my doorstep,
the city charged me for a roll-on roll-off dumpster.
%
They don't make mirrors like they used to.
The last one I bought was chock-full of wrinkles.
%
The demand for helium is on the rise.
%
I can't imagine what people did before the creation of smart phones.
Neither can my twelve brothers and sisters.
%
I'm retired. I need to be to go to all my doctor appointments.
%
My cousin's parents insisted on paying for her wedding.
She'll be repaying them in subtle ways the rest of her life.
%
The sales lady at the shoe store said I was a 10!
%
Weeks ago my doctor prescribed a very promising drug for my procrastination.
But I haven't yet gotten around to having it filled.
%
My grandma told me she has hearing aids that cost just $15.
“What kind is it?”, I asked. “Ten O'clock”, she replied.
%
I asked my neighbor if it was his hearing aid I found.
He totally ignored me.
%
I was not in the top half of my college class.
But I was in the half that made the top half possible.
%
Those who don't know history are condemned to repeat it.
Ya, summer school.
%
I think you were in my class at East High 30 years ago.
Really? I don't remember you. What class did you teach?
%
I keep telling my grandpa to get hearing aids.
But he won't listen.
%
The alphabet as seen from the side: <span style=font-family: 'Courier New', monospace; font-size: 0.8em;> ||||||||||||||||||||||||||</span>
The alphabet as seen from above:&nbsp;&nbsp;<span style=font-family: 'Courier New', monospace; font-size: 0.8em;>--------&middot;-----------------</span>
%
Tom Brady announced his un-retirement in March of 2022.
He felt he needed to spend less time with his family.
%
I was bullied all through High School.
But I got even. I married her.
%
A smart friend will always know what to say.
But a wise friend will know whether or not to say it.
%
I swallowed a few rare earth magnets.
<b>Now</b> I'll be attractive.
%
My Yoga instructor has disparaged my various poses.
I'm trying to not get all bent out of shape over it.
%
Friends help you move.
Real friends help you move bodies.
%
I struggled to create an alternative to buttons and zippers.
I thought it would be a snap.
%
I came to terms with my age when my teeth and I stopped sleeping together.
%
I can defeat any chess champion in three moves or less.
No, I don't know chess, but I know Judo.
%
Don't expect aliens to visit here anytime soon.
They've seen the reviews -- one star.
%
My Realtor trains others to deal with 1920's brick duplexes with front-facing gables.
She is a two-door Tudor tutor.
%
The worst part of Spring cleaning is taking down the Christmas tree.
%
I am in pretty good health.
Which, if you think about it, is a slow way to die.
%
There are two ways to argue with woman.
Neither one will be successful.
%
A brunette tells her blond friend, I took a pregnancy test.
Oh, were the questions difficult?
%
It's difficult to explain the carcinogenic siding on my house.
But I try asbestos I can.
%
Some say that cat training is nearly impossible.
It's not. Mine had me trained in just two days.
%
Being a German vegetarian is very difficult.
It's the wurst.
%
My Dr. advised me to quit drinking, which will be a big adjustment.
I had been with this Doctor for 17 years.
%
Constipation is a awkward word to say.
I have a hard time getting it out.
%
Having a child is a lot of work.
But having twins is labor-intensive.
%
My wife and I decided we do not want children.
If you do, let us know and we'll drop them off.
%
It seems wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.
%
I saw a 4 foot tall felon fall down the courthouse steps.
It was a little condescending.
%
Cleaning with kids in the house is like brushing your teeth while eating Oreos.
%
The ups and downs don't make life difficult.
No, it's the jerks.
%
Stupidity should be painful.
%
The irony of 2020 was that no one saw it coming.
%
I witnessed an actual murder yesterday and kept it to myself.
Crows are quite common around here, so no big deal.
%
I know the voices aren't real, but they sure come up with some great ideas.
%
Nothing tops a plain pizza!
%
I yelled into a colander and it strained my voice.
%
I never use turn signals.
It's nobody's business where I'm going.
%
We used to have village idiots.
But now with the internet, those cretins have gone global.
%
England has no kidney bank.
But it does have a Liverpool.
%
Have you ever been so drunk you got hit by a parked car?
%
She left a note on the fridge, "Goodbye. This isn't working.".
I opened it and it's working just fine!
%
I was drinking at a bar so I took a bus home.
Big deal!, you say? But, I don't know how to drive a bus.
%
Speaking my mind is easy.
Speaking it tactfully, not so much ...
%
I'm almost a millionaire. I have all the zeroes.
Now I just need a one.
%
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be <u>your</u> blood.
%
A good thing about water is you can drink it at work.
A good thing about vodka is it looks like water.
%
Some people should be using a glue stick instead of Chapstick.
%
Those who confuse burro and burrow don't know their ass from a hole in the ground.
%
I had to sell my car to afford gas.
%
I don't usually brag about going to expensive places, but I just left the gas station.
%
English is a strange language.
But, it can be understood through tough, thorough thought though.
%
We started a band called <i>999 Megabytes.</i>
Still haven't gotten a gig.
%
It's OK for you to disagree with me.
I can't force you to be right.
%
Dove chocolate tastes way better than their soap.
%
I'm going to go to the beach and bury metal objects that say <b>Get a life</b> on them.
%
Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography.
%
Hyphenated. Non-hyphenated.
Oh, how ironic!
%
As a child I was told I could be anyone I wanted to be.
Turns out this is called identity theft.
%
When a date asks, "Why am I still single?",
apparently you're not suppose to tell them.
%
Always remember: This, too, shall pass.
Then you get all new problems.
%
My stomach is flat.
The L is just silent.
%
I did rather poorly in Driver's Ed.
For me it was a crash course.
%
My wife has been leaving travel brochures all over the house.
I got the hint, and I bought her a magazine rack.
%
I've tried to grow old and spread a little cheer.
Turns out I've just grown old and spread.
%
I use a CPA to do my taxes because it save me time.
... about 10 years in the Big House.
%
I went on a slow down strike at work.
No one noticed.
%
When one&nbsp;door closes, another one opens.
Other than that, it's a pretty good car.
%
666 Celsius -- the oven temperature for roast beast.
%
The hardest three things to say:
I was wrong.&nbsp; I need help.&nbsp; Worcestershire sauce.
%
Don't be ashamed of who you are.
That's your parents' responsibility.
%
Don't call me illiterate.
My folks were married several years before I was born.
%
Sometimes I'm on the outside looking in, sometimes inside looking out.
Either way, I'm always on the opposite side of things.
%
A kid at the office said I looked good for my age.
The nerve of him for thinking I was my age!
%
I'm a door-to-door salesman selling wall-to-wall carpeting on a day-to-day basis with a fifty-fifty commission in Bora Bora.
Business is so-so.
%
You know what 'they' say about shampoo:
It's half sham &amp; half poo.
%
I ordered a security cam to watch the porch,
but the package was stolen.
%
The GPS I ordered was lost in the mail.
%
The perfect assignment for me in school:
The Effects of Procrastination on Grades.
%
When someone asks, A penny for your thoughts. and you put your 2&cent; in,
what happens to the extra penny?
%
No one can ever know for sure what a deserted area looks like.
%
I go the day after a marathon and just drive the route.
Very similar experience but way easier.
%
I only had margarine to put on my burned hand.
My hand is marginally better.
%
Would you like a call later this week for a date?
Sure! From whom?
%
All national anthems are country music.
%
Lately The Good Old Days seem a lot longer ago.
%
I was asked to move items from my heavy suitcase to my carry-on.
Huh?!? Aren't they both going on the same plane?
%
After reading the dictionary, every other book is just a remix.
%
Putting Scrabble tiles on your birthday cake could spell disaster.
%
Tablets were replace by scrolls, which in turn were replaced by books.
Now we scroll through books on tablets.
%
My local bar now has specially imprinted coasters.
"If you're drinking to forget, please pay in advance."
%
Anti-aging cream's directions should be in <b>LARGE PRINT.</b>
%
Each snowman falls from the clouds unassembled.
%
What do cats do after they retire?
They can't sleep all day ... that was their job!
%
The beatings will continue until productivity picks up..
%
I didn't wash my car 3 months ago because I knew it would rain today.
%
I found the bathroom scale in the trash today.
I guess my wife met her New Year's resolution and no longer needs it.
%
Every time the economy turns around, I'm facing the wrong way.
%
Our bookstore is selling apocalypse books like there's no tomorrow.
%
We sometimes pray before eating dinner at my house.
It depends on who did the cooking.
%
Never buy flowers from a monk.
Only you can prevent florist friars.
%
If a year was like a salad bar, February would be the garbanzo beans.
%
My golfing buddy canceled and went to a Valentine's party.
That's really putting the heart before the course.
%
Most of the ladies have a thing for me.
It's called pepper spray.
%
I was the worst high school pole vaulter.
I'll never get over it.
%
I ate something that didn't agree with me.
I really should not argue with food.
%
I managed to get absolutely nothing done today.
Not sure if I should feel guilty or congratulate myself.
%
Those who say you can make order out chaos are lousy at anagrams.
%
AutoCorrect made me type thongs I did not Nintendo.
%
The best cure for Sea Sickness is to sit under a tree.
%
There were 9 kids in my family.
I never slept alone until I got married.
%
My investment manager sat down rather heavily on my nest egg.
%
You and I are here on earth to do good unto others.
What the others are here for, I have no idea.
%
The young girl who used to babysit me just got her AARP card.
%
I said Back in my day 3 times today and was instantly enrolled in AARP.
%
My favorite shoes come in a box with a complimentary AARP magazine.
%
My eye doctor says I have a form of color blindness.
Well, that came out of the purple!
%
I used to fight the Good Fight.
Now I just fight cholesterol.
%
I don't let my conscience be my guide.
I consider it more as my wing man.
%
I should do OK on my stress test tomorrow.
I've been cramming for it my whole working life.
%
How long have I been working here?
Since the boss got back from lunch.
%
Things that tell the truth:
Small children. Drunk people. Yoga pants.
%
What vegetable goes with road kill? Squash!
%
I just released my own fragrance.
But no one in the car pool seemed to like it.
%
There is definitely intelligence in the universe.
Because none of it has ever tried to contact us.
%
My girlfriend must think our relationship is one for the ages.
Because last night she said we're history.
%
I quit being a trapeze artist when I lost my partner.
I didn't want to work without Annette.
%
The robot was tried for stealing electricity.
He was guilty as charged.
%
Ever notice the Minute Waltz is never used for <i>On Hold Music</i>?
%
Eventually I found the key to success.
But then they added a password.
%
I tried dating an architect.
But I didn't fit into her plans.
%
I can't be overdrawn!
I still have checks left!
%
The casinos call it gaming.
From their perspective there's no gambling involved.
%
I've learned a lot from my mistakes --
mostly about how the legal system works.
%
My birthday suit is considered vintage clothing.
%
It seem baggage claim is the only game of chance I occasionally win.
%
I try to cook. I really do.
But all my signature dishes turn out illegible.
%
I'm getting no return on my bank account.
But a lot of my checks come back.
%
I find the Highway Of Life has one toll booth after another.
%
The secret to inner peace is a short attention span.
%
I said crowdfunding.
The judge said pick-pocketing.
%
They could not repair our elevator today.
Further steps will need to be taken.
%
It felt completely natural becoming a nudist.
It was a seamless transition.
%
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, you're way below average.
%
I'm not one to leave a job half done.
Oh, no! I rarely get that far.
%
A skinny guy lives inside me yelling to get out.
I can always shut him up with beer.
%
Someone robbed the wig factory.
They're combing the area for clues.
%
Well, another month and I met my living expenses.
I really need to find a better hiding place.
%
In the Game Of Life I keep encountering goalies.
%
I was starting a new chapter in my life.
But I tripped over a footnote.
%
I was a big fish in a small pond -- which then dried up!
%
I made up a playlist from all the music I listen to when I call tech support.
%
My dentist wanted to take out my wisdom teeth.
I asked if she could just dumb them down a little.
%
What's there to like about professional wrestling?
The brute farce!
%
I don't regret that my youth was misspent.
But I wish I would've shopped around a bit more.
%
Always laugh at your boss's lame jokes.
He who laughs, lasts.
%
My retirement occurs in the year that Social Security runs of of money.
%
The collective noun for a group of baboons is <u>not</u> a congress.
But, it should be.
%
My psychiatrist asked me if I needed validation.
I told her I had parked on the street.
%
Every time you use the expression <i>all my life</i>,
it has a different meaning.
%
I'm so old that until the telephone was invented, I sent prank telegrams.
%
Insanity is hereditary; you get it from your children.
%
I finally got eight hours of sleep.
It took me three days, but whatever.
%
I got in touch with my inner self today.
I can thank the 1-ply toilet paper from the dollar store.
%
I had plastic surgery last week.
I cut up my credit cards.
%
You are never too old to learn something stupid.
%
Laugh at your problems.
Everyone else does.
%
Age 60 might be the new 40, but 9:00 is new midnight.
%
I once ran like the wind.
Now I run like the winded.
%
My luck is like a bald guy who just won a comb.
%
I just want my opposable thumbs to get along.
%
I always hold my date's hand when at the movies.
That keeps it out of my popcorn bucket.
%
The future will soon become a thing of the past.
%
Why don't you find waiters in waiting rooms?
%
The sentence below is true.
The sentence above is false.
%
Sometimes I think I might be a closet extrovert.
%
A cow wandered off and was never seen again.
I guess it was a case of herd immunity.
%
I ordered a flagpole but was forced to return it.
What they delivered was a <u>horizontal</u> flagpole.
%
The ravages of getting older...
My hair is getting thinner and my glasses getting thicker.
%
The human cannonball knew deep down that not many men were of his caliber.
%
I bought a book of free verse -- for ten dollars.
%
If the police never find it, is it still a clue?
%
Every time a guy is killed in a western, I wonder who got his horse.
%
Can a vegetarian eat animal crackers?
%
So far this is the oldest I've ever been.
%
In Texas there's a hotline for people in denial.
So far no one has called it.
%
No one ever knows what's next, but they do it.
%
Always wear a leather glove when petting a porcupine.
%
You should keep a small circle of friends
because 3 out 4 murders are committed by someone who knows the victim.
%
I don't have hobbies. I have interests.
Hobbies cost money. Interests are free.
%
After the hurricane, where does all that plywood go?
%
Whenever there's a eulogy, I'm relieved to know I'm hearing it.
%
This is just one more sentence beginning with this and ending with that.
%
Crime fighters fight crime and firefighters fight fire.
What do freedom fighters fight?
%
Two guys names you see on lots of air conditioners: Norm&nbsp;and&nbsp;Max.
%
An art thief is a man who takes pictures.
%
I hope the world ends during the daytime.
I want to watch the film at eleven.
%
Most people don't know what they are doing,
and a lot of them are real good at it.
%
Attention deficit disorder makes a lot of sense.
In this country there's not a lot worth paying attention to.
%
I didn't invent the double fault in tennis.
I merely perfected it.
%
I'm getting 10% interest on my money.
Half is in 1 bank at 5%, and the other half in another bank at 5%.
%
All lawyers know the law.
A good lawyer knows the judge.
%
It is said that life begins after 40.&ensp;I'm still&nbsp;waiting.
%
My mother-in-law may not know much.
But, she sure knows it loud.
%
Whoever said you can have too much of a good thing,
must have never had too much of a good thing.
%
NASCAR. Billboards with engines.
%
April showers bring May flowers.
May flowers bring pilgrims.
%
If I made a deposit at a blood bank, my blood would likely bounce.
%
There's a fine art to completing assignments at work.
Too late gets you fired, but too early gets you more work.
%
Today's youth are called Generation X.
My generation is called Generation XXL.
%
When my window of opportunity opened,
I had the shade drawn.
%
I raised my concerns about my poor memory.
My doctor told me to just forget about it.
%
I enjoy shopping on the internet.
It's like the mall -- but without the teenagers.
%
Artificial sweeteners caused a cavity in my false teeth.
%
My boss only says we're all in this together when things go wrong.
%
My phone number is 23.
I got one of the early ones.
%
Sometime I'm not sure if life is passing me by, or trying to run me over.
%
I Googled myself several times with no hits.
So, I'm going to change my name to Tom Hanks.
%
I was going to put the try in triathlon.
But my bucket list sprang a leak.
%
My wrist watch stopped.
I think it's down a quartz.
%
When will the rhetorical questions all end?
%
The news story said someone overcame a fatal disease.
Wow&thinsp;!!
%
Recent polls reveal that some people have never been polled.
%
I once found a throw rug in a catch basin.
%
I'm sixty years old. That's 16 Celsius.
%
Most kids have a dog called Spot.
Not me. I named my dog Stain.
%
When I was a kid my cap gun had a silencer.
%
I went to the Missing Persons' Bureau.
No one was there.
%
I choose toilet paper through a process of elimination.
%
George Washington's brother was the uncle of our country.
%
Long before man discovered fire, he already had sand and water to put it out.
%
Most people work just hard enough to not get fired,
and get paid just enough money to not quit.
%
Crooked judges live on fixed incomes.
%
In the last census 1.8% of the people were not counted.
How do they know that?
%
What exactly is viewer discretion?
If there was such a thing, most TV shows would not be on the air.
%
Some see the glass as half full; some as half empty.
I see a glass that is twice the size it needs to be.
%
Good looks run in my family.
I'm still trying to find where mine ran off to.
%
No trees were killed in the creation of this quip.
However, a great many electrons were terribly inconvenienced.
%
Kilometers are shorter than miles.
Save on gas -- take your next trip in kilometers.
%
I've never owned a telescope.
But, I should look into it.
%
I was expelled from cooking school.
It left a really bad taste in my mouth.
%
There ought to be at least one round state.
%
The carousel and ferris wheel owners travel in different circles.
The rarely make the rounds together.
%
Who is taller, a short order cook or a small engine mechanic?
%
A complimentary beverage should tell you how nice you look.
%
The Automobile Club has a health plan.
However, the Health Club has no automobile plan.
%
Several months ago I started buying stamps by mail.
That worked OK until I ran out of stamps.
%
It is legal for men to be floorwalkers,
and illegal for women to be streetwalkers.
%
How can <i>crash course</i> and <i>collision course</i> have two different meanings?
%
The safest place to be in an earthquake is in a stationery store.
%
I'm not an organ donor.
But I did once give a trumpet to the Goodwill.
%
To keep your dog in line, walk him past the fur shop every so often.
%
I have a photograph of Judge Sotomayor.
But it doesn't do her justice.
%
The photographer and the art thief were good friends.
Neither one had ever taken the other's picture.
%
I can't bear to go to the Children's Zoo.
How can their parents allow them to be kept in those cages?
%
The sicker you get, the harder it is to remember if you took your medicine.
%
My home town was so small its ZIP code only had 4 digits;
and featured a decimal point.
%
Thurgood Schwartz got stuck in a port-a-potty.
What was he doing in there? You get two guesses.
%
Folks should not be so pretentious about their bottled water.
After all, EVIAN is just naive spelled backwards.
%
Having sex in an elevator is wrong on so many levels.
%
What's the word for sweetener that begins with a B?
Honey!
%
His obituary was short and to the point,
"He died doing what he enjoyed ... teasing grizzly bears."
%
I can't complain.
I got away with more that I got caught at.
%
Visits always give pleasure -- if not for the arrival, then for the departure.
%
To define recursion, we must first define recursion.
%
Yesterday I endeavored to Seize The Day.
It got me in a headlock and gave me a wedgie.
%
My date called to cancel our dinner tonight.
Damn! I had reservations; but she said she had more.
%
I saw a DROP OFF CHILDREN sign at a nearby school.
I did not know disgruntled parents had that option.
%
I use a plastic discount card to scrape the ice on my windshield.
But I could only get 10% off.
%
Why isn't a flat moon conspiracy more popular,
since we always see the same face?
%
If you were born in September, you can assume that your parents really enjoyed New Years.
%
When should condoms be used?
In very conceivable occasion.
%
How did I quit smoking, you ask?
I decided I'd only smoke after sex.
%
Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
Because they won't stop to ask directions.
%
The difference between Iron-Man and Aluminum-Man?
Iron-Man stops the bad guys; Aluminum-Man foils their plans.
%
Lance is an uncommon name these days.
Back in medieval times people were called Lance a lot.
%
People call me self centered.
But, enough about them...
%
The ducks keep biting my dog.
Did I mention he's pure bread?
%
Life is much like toilet paper.
You're either on a roll or taking $#!+ from someone.
%
When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife.
%
My neighbor is upset that his wife is sunbathing nude.
I, personally, am on the fence.
%
The British call it a lift; Americans call it an elevator.
I guess we're all just raised differently.
%
Last night I played a blank CD at full blast.
The mime next door went crazy!
%
If you get an email from me about canned meat, don't open it.
It's spam.
%
A few puns make me numb.
But math puns make me number.
%
Not all math puns are bad.&ensp;Just sum.
%
Seems to me that British websites should use biscuits.
%
Finally my winter fat is gone.
Now I have spring rolls.
%
The UK is the biggest supplier of Independence Days around the world.
%
Someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
%
I just learned Albert Einstein was a real guy.
All this time I thought he was a theoretical scientist.
%
Do clouds ever look down on us and say, That one looks like an idiot?
%
The Game Of Life is not about winning or losing.
It's about how long you can stay in the game.
%
It's been said that vegans live longer.
More likely it just <i>seems</i> longer.
%
Sigh! The Game of Life.
All I'll receive is a 'PARTICIPANT' ribbon.
%
If you add a decimal value to a fabricated percentage,
people are 87.6% more likely to believe it.
%
When I was finally holding all the cards,
everyone decided to play chess.
%
Is the algebra exam today or tomorrow?
Yesterday.
%
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness.
"Nope.&ensp;Everybody seems to enjoy it."
%
Maybe I can gaslight myself into being okay.
%
It's amazing what you can accomplish around the house
with the threat of someone coming over.
%
My computer doesn't have to be friendly;
civil is entirely sufficient.
%
Sign seen on a restroom hand-dryer:
Push button for a message from your congressman.
%
Microsoft never focused on fault-tolerant computers.
Instead, they relied on fault-tolerant users.
%
My mind wanders at my age,
but my body is too worn out to go along with it.
%
I left my last job over creative differences.
They did not know what to make of me
%
Folks did not think the marriage would last long.
At the church they threw Minute Rice.
%
The only things in my fridge are goat milk, anchovies and eggplant.
I'll ask them to empty the next used fridge I buy.
%
Just my luck!I got the Amazon cart with the wobbly wheel.
%
Cat protocol: If you can't eat it or play with it,
just kick some sand on it and walk away.
%
Strange: Co-workers naming food in the break room fridge.
Yesterday I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
%
Looking in the fridge over and over and expecting different contents is the definition of insanity.
%
Tip: How to keep brownies fresh.
Eat then all in one sitting...
%
I'm nostalgic for when I knew nothing.
%
A sign on the music shop door: Gone Chopin. Bach in a minuet.
I don't know how much more of this I can Handel.
%
I substitute food for relationships with women.
It's because I understand food.
%
I'm having major lifestyle issues.
If someone stole my ID, I'd refused to take it back.
%
Some people are similar to Slinkys.
They bring a smile when you push them down a flight of stairs.
%
My sister is pregnant and I can't wait to find out if I'll be an aunt or an uncle.
%
Wow! Seems like everybody is having a birthday this year!
%
My neighbors are listening to great music.
Whether they like it or not.
%
Ancient Egyptians worshiped cats as gods.
The cats have <i>not</i> forgotten this.
%
The universe works in mysterious ways.
Like mysteriously not giving me everything I want.
%
I asked the barista, Give me your mildest roast.
She looked at me and said sweetly, You have the most average ears.
%
I keep confusing the words Jacuzzi and Yakuza, and now I'm in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
%
When you grow up, people stop asking you what your favorite dinosaur is.
%
The salesman said, This sofa will seat 5 people without any problems.
Where the hell am I going to find 5 people without any problems?
%
If a telemarketer calls, hand the phone to your 3 year old and tell her, It's Santa!
%
The little toe is specifically designed to geolocate furniture in low-light conditions.
%
It was awkward paying a late fee at the library for a speed reading book.
%
Will the passenger who left the book <i>Improving Your Memory</i> please return to gate B8
... you forgot it.
%
Why is it so hot and what am I doing in this hand basket?
%
I have a friend who is deaf.
Watching people kissing musical instruments is bizarre for him.
%
Husbands are the best people to share your secrets with.
They won't tell anyone because they aren't even listening.
%
A teacher's worst nightmare comes from knowing their worst picture is in hundreds of school yearbooks.
%
My wife has so many shoes that I sometimes think I married a centipede.
%
I've taken too long to write my next mystery novel.
My criminal got off because of the statute of limitations.
%
The difference between me and a Rocket Scientist or Brain Surgeon?
They never started something by saying, Hey! Watch this!
%
I started that new Margarita diet.
What have I lost so far? My driver's license.
%
My Christmas present was a new computer monitor.
My New Year's resolution is 1920 X 1080.
%
Technically, all math questions are problematic.
%
Do I miss being young?
I might ... if I could remember it.
%
This joke is quite egregious.
And I'm nonplussed by that.
%
I once took up playing the accordion,
but I lost interest ... shortly after the restraining order.
%
Christmas presents for my husband are easy.
I find tools he's lost over the year and wrap them.
%
Wouldn't it be ironic if Popeye's Chicken was fried in Olive Oil?
%
I want to be in my hometown when the world comes to the end.
Everything there happens 20 years later.
%
My back has gone out more then I have this year.
%
You know you're an adult when you miss trash day and it ruins your whole week.
%
Farewell, boiling water. You will be mist.
%
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
%
Twenty-two clowns died today in a devastating one car pileup.
There'll be just one casket. It's what they would've wanted.
%
Most of your food has seen more of the world than you have.
%
Burn a body at a crematorium and you're being respectful.
Burn a body at home and you're 'destroying evidence'.
%
Most chickens travel greater distances after they're dead than when they're alive.
%
What if UFOs were just billionaires from other planets?
%
Your brain knows where all your organs are, and won't tell you.
%
Taking 2 seconds to pick up a quarter in the parking lot is the same pay rate as $450/hr.
%
Books should have a blooper page at the back to show some of the typos the editors fixed.
%
Wine really does improve with age.
The older I get, the more I enjoy it.
%
"Have you ever heard of Pavlov?"
"Hmmmm... It sure rings a bell."
%
The volume of a pizza of thickness 'a' and radius 'z' is given by pi*z*z*a
%
Any bookmark costing more than a buck is a waste of money.
You could just use the dollar bill as your bookmark.
%
Have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes something better?
Or did we just stop with corn?
%
Last week I took so much Adderall that I remembered my junior high school locker combination.
%
My wife calls my home office a disaster.
I call it Feng Shui.
%
I dated the Bingo caller until she cheated on me.
Now her days are numbered.
%
If your parents didn't have any children, neither will you.
%
It was going great with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a dozen rats.
%
Parenthood is much easier to get into than out of.
%
<b>Home Alone</b> caused me great anxiety as a child because I had none of the right toys to stop a home invasion.
%
Wow, Heaven is a lot hotter than I thought it'd be.
%
I can't understand how horror movies make digging a grave look so easy,
It usually takes me days
%
Isn't it ironic that a computer would ask you if you're a robot?
%
My computer and I are fairly well matched.
After 10 minutes of inactivity, we both nod off.
%
I tell chemistry puns, but only periodically.
%
Nothing starts with an N and ends with a G.
%
Kids no longer search the house for their hidden Christmas presents.
They simply go through the family PC's browser cache.
%
So many in congress are afflicted with acrophobia.
They never take the high road.
%
A commander walks into a bar and orders everyone around.
%
I once worked at a cheap pizza shop to get by.
I kneaded the dough.
%
I named our band 'Duvet'.
It's a cover band.
%
I lost my girlfriend's audiobook.
Now I'll never hear the end of it.
%
I told my contractor I didn't want carpeted steps.
He gave me a blank stair.
%
Bono and The Edge walk into a Dublin bar.
The bartender says, Oh no, not U2 again.
%
A pair of jumper cables walk into a bar.
The bartender says, Now, don't you two start anything!
%
Scientists studied the effects of alcohol on a person's walk.
The results were staggering.
%
I'm trying to organize a hide-and-seek tournament.
But, good players are really hard to find.
%
I got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallows, and nuts.
I won't lie, it was a rocky road.
%
What do you say to comfort a friend who's struggling with grammar?
There, their, they're.
%
Guess where the Schwarzenegger dolls are in the toy store.
Aisle B -- back.
%
Patient, "I'd like to close up my own incision."
Doctor, "Suture self."
%
I nag folks to eat more dried grapes.
It's all about raisin awareness.
%
When you visit your child's orthodontist, remember to admire his new car.
You paid for it.
%
The more responsibility you assign to your teenager, the more your insurance will increase.
%
Your child's favorite toys belong to his friends.
%
The closer you are when an injury occurs, the louder your child will cry.
%
The more rope you give a child, the more rope they'll ask for.
%
The more expensive the toy, the more likely your child will play with the box it came in.
%
The only things children share freely are germs.
%
An elephant's gestational period is 2 years.
For humans, it only seems that long.
%
The hacker that stole my identity returned it once he saw my credit score.
%
The guy who made the knock knock joke deserves a No Bell Prize.
%
To whom it may concern, -- vague, weak, and ignoreable.
To whom it will concern, -- ominous, strong, and alarming.
%
Halloween! When nobody questions the bodies dangling in your trees!
%
My friends used to poke me at weddings and say, You're next.
So I started poking them at funerals and saying, You're next.
%
I handed my wife a glue stick, instead of her lipstick.
She still isn't talking to me.
%
If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive,
they would eventually find me attractive.
%
Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
%
6:30 is the best time on a clock ... hands down.
%
Someone was shot with a starter pistol, then beaten with a relay baton..
Authorities believe it might be race related.
%
My boss was accidentally buried alive.
It was a grave mistake.
%
Today I was asked to go out, by 10 girls.
I did not know I was in the women's bathroom.
%
I understand humans eat more bananas than monkeys.
I can't remember the last time I ate a monkey.
%
My dog kept chasing people on a bike.
I had to take his bike away.
%
I Googled How to start a wildfire.
I got 48,500 matches.
%
I couldn't believe my dad got fired as a road worker for theft.
But when I came home there were signs all over the place.
%
Give a man a gun and he will rob a bank.
Give a man a bank and he will rob everyone.
%
I have a few jokes about unemployed people.
Sadly, none of them work.
%
My phone battery lasts longer than my relationships.
%
An atom laments losing an electron, I really gotta keep an ion them.
%
Today was a terrible day.
My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my bus driver job.
%
The local laundry place and the staff are arguing over working conditions.
They've agreed in principle on a contract and are ironing out the wrinkles.
%
Another day; another dolor.
%
I do not have a 'job history'.
It's more like a series of funny stories.
%
I've recently started looking into my genealogy.
Seems I come from a long line of dead people.
%
When your manager says participation is voluntary, think again.
%
Having triplets is just so scary.
I mean, being pregnant for 27 months!?!?
%
I'll never reach my full potential as long as I have to take something every morning to be regular.
%
I like my coffee like I like my men -- sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away.
%
For most, 80% of life is just showing up.
But, for some, 80% of life is just showing off.
%
I asked my girlfriend for suggestions on a gift for her.
She said, "Just hold on to the receipt."
%
I assure you my outlook is positive and carefree.
I'm positive I'm a pessimist and I don't care how that's viewed.
%
Don't stop talking. It's helping me disassociate.
%
A co-worker is asking for donations for his daughter's soccer team.
What's everybody giving? Excuses.
%
My dog's name is Freddie, but the vet wrote down Freddy.
I had to tell her, "That's not how he spells his name."
%
You cannot spell cat without a
%
It'll be a red neck marriage.
The bride and groom are registered at The Saturday Flea Market.
%
So, I offered to split the check.
They pay everything to the left of the decimal point,
and I'll pay everything to the right.
%
When everyone is smelling flowers,
the pessimist is looking around for the funeral.
%
Troublemakers come and go, but their names stick with you forever.
%
Wouldn't it be great to be a teacher, but making a coach's salary?
%
When asked what I'll give the newlyweds, I said, Two weeks.
%
My golf game is like Naked and Afraid,
but with ugly clothing.
%
Norwegian warships have bar codes on their bows instead of numerals.
That's so when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
%
Americans think 100 years is a <b>long</b> time.
The British think 100 miles is a <b>long</b> distance.
%
I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you.
%
My doctor said I'd live longer if I cut out certain things.
<u>Exactly</u> the things I want to live longer to enjoy!
%
Mothers of little boys work from son up to son down.
%
Never miss a staff meeting or else the work will be assigned to you.
%
Never miss a staff meeting or you will be a new committee chairperson.
%
They say, Do it right the first time and you'll never have to do it again.
Well, they never shoveled a Canadian driveway.
%
It would seem so wrong to cheat on an ethics test.
%
There are three types of people in the world;
those that are good with math, and those that aren't.
%
My doctor told me I should not drink so much in my 40's.
I can hardly wait to turn 50.
%
Alimony is so hard to collect.
Life insurance not so much.
%
Keep talking. I am silently correcting your grammar.
%
I haven't been everywhere, but it's on my list.
%
Ever notice how many towns are named after their water towers?
%
And so ended another week without me winning the lottery.
%
LOTTERY: A tax on people who are bad at math.
%
Interviewer, "So, tell me about yourself."
Me, "I'd rather not. I kinda need this job."
%
A cannibal passed a priest in the woods.
%
My favorite machine at the gym is the vending machine.
%
Bad puns are how eye roll.
%
Hold on. Let me overthink this.
%
Your chances of getting killed by a rabbit are low, but never zero.
%
Underestimate me. That'll be fun.
%
It's weird being the same age as old people.
%
When I was a kid I wanted to be older.
This is not what I expected.
%
It's probably my age that tricks people into thinking I'm an adult.
%
I sometimes wonder what happened to the people who asked me for directions.
%
In my defense, I was left unsupervised.
%
There were 2 times my managers were most happy with me:
the first day I began working for them, and the day I gave notice.
%
Having a wonderful time.
Wish you were her.
%
I finally have a pretty good tan.
All my liver spots grew together.
%
Keep in mind that the Swear Jar is not a vending machine for profanity.
%
Feeling good about yourself?
Ask a kid to draw a picture of you.
%
Punishable by a fine means legal for a price.
%
If I have an inner child, I hope he comes out and solves my computer problem.
%
Dammit I'm Mad is Dammit I'm Mad spelled backwards.
%
There would be no greater irony than dying in a living room.
%
I was all wrong about aging.
I thought it would take longer.
%
I don't always go the extra mile.
When I do, it's because I missed my exit.
%
Are you the slutty potato?
I DA HO !
%
Claustrophobic people are more productive thinking out of the box.
%
Teacher: Give me two examples of a pronoun.
Me: Who?Me?
%
Wife, "Why are you making pancakes for the dog?"
Me, "Because he doesn't know how."
%
Diapers and politicians need to be changed often.
Both for the same reason.
%
Headline November, 2021: Johnson &amp; Johnson will split into 2 companies
One will be called Johnson. The other will be called Johnson.
%
I know procrastination is a bad habit.
And one of these days I'm going to quit.
%
If there was a pill to cure procrastination, I'd take it tomorrow.
%
You know you're old when you clean to the music you used to drink to.
%
Irony is when someone writes, Your an idiot.
%
They should let everyone on hold with customer service talk to one another.
%
Pluto didn't even make a full orbit of the sun from its discovery to its demotion.
%
You should always look into a mirror when making a big decision.
It helps you reflect.
%
One thing I can't deal with is a deck of cards all glued together.
%
My wife wants to add peat moss or compost to our soil.
It's exciting when she talks dirt to me.
%
The plans to introduce a $2 coin were shelved.
The committee members were opposed to change.
%
I got a role in a porno movie.
I'm the spouse at work.
%
Someone removed all the buttons on the elevator.
It was wrong on so many levels.
%
I bought a DVD called Subliminal Advertising.
The next day I bought a dozen more.
%
My wife is putting Crazy Glue on my hunting gear.
She denies it. But, I'm sticking to my guns.
%
A month ago I sent my hearing aids in for repair.
I've heard nothing since.
%
I received an empty fortune cookie last night.
How sad ... an unfortunate cookie.
%
I lost my wife several years ago.
Worst poker hand I ever played.
%
Our first Camouflage Club's meeting was a disaster.
It looked like no one showed up.
%
I was going to start a camouflage airline.
But, I just can't see it taking off.
%
My cooking? I put the Quiz in Cuisine.
%
When daylight savings ends, you shift from 7-Eleven to 6-Ten.
%
No matter how kind your children are,
German children are always Kinder.
%
My friend write songs about sewing machines.
She's a Singer songwriter, or sew it seams.
%
I was asked to speak at a memorial service.
But, I'm not much of a mourning person.
%
A man's got to know his limitations.
It's a woman's duty to make sure of this.
%
I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.&ensp; I'll let you know.
%
It's never too late to start exercising.
That's why I'm waiting until later.
%
I was thinking I would start farming.
But then, I would need some seed money.
%
BONE: The shortest distance between two joints.
%
How do they get the hurricanes to arrive in alphabetical order?
%
And now, a brief word:
underwear!
%
And now, a word from the 2021 Scrabble Champion:
ZYMURGY
%
Little is know about the salivary glands.
It's because they're so secretive.
%
Most people, when all wrapped up in themselves, are seriously overdressed.
%
Cars are cheaper in Pueblo, Colorado.
They come without turn signals.
%
I call it Social Distancing.
But, the Judge is calling it a Restraining Order.
%
I went to the store to get some apples, oranges and bananas.
My search was fruitless.
%
My car has been making a very funny noise.
Can't pin-point it because I have no sense of humor.
%
Marriage is a relationship where one is always right and the other is the husband.
%
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
%
There's a report that a man died of the flu in a revolving door.
It's scary if that's really going around.
%
Unattended children will be given an espresso and a free kitten.
%
Hair was put on your head to remind you that you cannot control everything.
%
How do you spell Mississippi?
The river or the state?
%
The similarity between a tick and the Eiffel Tower?
They're both Paris Sites.
%
A physicist froze himself to -273&#176;C.
You'd think that was crazy, but he was 0K.
%
Why am I the only naked person at this gender reveal party?
%
When a frog parks illegally, it gets toad.
%
I plan to do lunges to get in shape.
That would be a big step forward.
%
I counted sheep two at a time last night.
Figured I'd get to sleep twice as fast.
%
Rainbows don't weigh much.
They're actually pretty light.
%
My preferred brand of sun screen is a house.
%
If a turtle loses its shell, is it naked or homeless?
%
I went to a temporary tattoo parlor and got a tattoo.
I went back to complain, but the tattoo parlor wasn't there.
%
When you die, which body part dies last?
The pupils; they dilate.
%
Cards are all I would want for my birthday.
Visa, MasterCard, America Express ...
%
It's been discovered that electric eels hunt in packs.
Well, now, that is shocking!
%
Recently two billionaires were shot into space.
Well, now, that's a good start!
%
How does Moses make his coffee?
Hebrews it.
%
The greatest pleasure in life is doing what people have told you can't be done.
%
Life is like a roll of toilet paper.
The closer to the end, the faster it goes.
%
How can there be self-help groups?
%
Do you ever wonder if, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
%
My problem is I put off conflict.
But, can we talk about this later?
%
You'll know you've done the Right Thing.
It's when everyone else takes credit for it.
%
I quit my construction job because I wasn't strong enough.
I gave them a too weak notice.
%
A fella in the gym just proposed and she said no.
Well, that didn't workout.
%
I was going to start an Optimist Club here.
But, I didn't believe that would succeed.
%
Isn't it weird that all of universal history and evolution since the dawn of time has lead up to your reading of this aphorism.
%
My dentist received an award from the dental society.
She got a little plaque.
%
Overheard, "Been studying Italian for over a year and I only have an 8-year old's grasp."
Me, "And how long do you think it took the 8-year old?"
%
At first I thought I was just in a bad mood.
But after a few years, I guess it's just who I am.
%
Once lived in a house so small that the dog had to wag his tail up and down.
%
Wealth is on the top shelf and I've got a stepladder with no steps.
%
To get back on your feet, miss two car payments.
%
Someone's therapist knows all about you!
%
Smart water; dumb consumers.
%
During the pandemic the shelves were devoid of toilet paper.
But the stores helpfully removed the Metamucil, as well.
%
Dogs can't operate MRI scanners.
But cats can.
%
A Draw: The collective noun for a group of gunslingers.
%
A Selfie: The collective noun for a group of narcissists.
%
A Flush: The collective noun for a group of plumbers.
%
Who hates speeding tickets?
Raise your right foot.
%
Ghosts are just people that died trying to fold a fitted sheet.
%
Mountains are not only funny; they are hill areas.
%
If a woman say she'll be ready in 15 minutes, she will be.
No need to remind her every half hour.
%
Cannibals won't eat clowns. They taste funny.
%
A person in front of me in TSA security had a bottle of frozen water.
They wanted to take it. She says, No, it's not a liquid.
%
I met a famous woman that only eats plants.
You've probably never heard of herbivore.
%
There are 10 kinds of people in the world.
Those that understand binary; and those that don't.
%
Song birds are not <i>taught</i> to sing.
They just wing it.
%
Think about it: There's no real reason the alphabet needs to be in order.
%
If your watch claims you can swim with it, it only applies if you can also swim without it!
%
My company asked me to sign up for their 401K.
But I don't think I can run that far.
%
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes.
Now I have Heinzsight.
%
I consider it an invasion of privacy when someone reads my body language.
%
If you expect to score points by whining, join a European soccer team.
%
There are people who only do things half-way.
( <i>Insert your own punchline here</i> )
%
For those whose weddings were canceled due to COVID-19,
you've been given a second chance to think about it.
%
English is a weird language.
Read and lead rhyme and read and lead rhyme,
but read and lead don't rhyme and read and lead don't rhyme.
%
Sadly, Mother Nature often gives the biggest mouths to those who have the least to say.
%
58% of Americans think polls are a waste of time -- according to the latest poll.
%
The opposite of evil is live.
%
You'll know you're spending too much.
It's when your balance is the same as your credit card number.
%
Waffles are just pancakes with abs.
%
WTF is an acronym ?
%
ENDLESS LOOP: <i>See</i> endless loop.
%
LOGIC: Deductive reasoning and mathematical formulas disguising a blind guess.
%
I told my manager I was thinking of retiring.
He said, I thought you already had.
%
The anesthesiologist offered to knock me out with gas or a boat paddle.
It was an ether/oar situation.
%
Obviously whoever put the first r in February also decided how to spell Wednesday.
%
In the U.S. they call it lobbying.
Everywhere else in the world, they call it Bribery &amp; Corruption.
%
I am very fortune to have someone call and check on me daily.
He is from India and is very concerned about my car warranty.
%
The idea of putting i before e is foreign to me.
%
i before e except after c was disproved by science.
%
Do they allow loud laughing in Hawaii, or just a low ha?
%
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a great roll model.
%
I have a glass eye but I am not sure whose it is.
%
I correct AutoCorrect more than it corrects me.
%
I wish I had the quickness &amp; confidence of AutoCorrect when it's wrong.
%
Every year Santa delivers presents to kids, based on what their parents income is.
%
The problem with the Dunning Kruger effect is you can't tell subjects they are showing symptoms.
%
There's only one thing worse than leaving someone in suspense...
%
I wonder how many chameleons snuck onto the Ark?
%
I was circumcised shortly after I was born.
I could not walk for nearly a year.
%
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list,
and now it's unreadable!
%
Us loners, we gotta stick together.
%
Math is like love; a simple idea, but it gets complicated.
I'm an English major; you do the math.
%
I was a child progeny.
%
A lot of quotes on the internet are fake.
-- Abraham Lincoln
%
Weed Whacker: Cutting edge technology.
%
As I always say, Only idiots quote themselves.
%
Making the orange juice was a concentrated effort.
%
I ate four cans of Alphabet Soup and just had the biggest vowel movement in my life.
%
I like to go to bed with a good book, or someone who has read one.
%
I'm reading a book about optimism; it's impossible to put down.
%
Did everyone forget the abbreviation for Maine, or is it just ME?
%
Unexpectedly my calculator stopped working.
It just doesn't add up.
%
I had my identity stolen; now they have no life.
%
Rocky Mountain oysters are the original sack lunch.
%
What are rich people's problems? I want them.
%
Reincarnation is making a comeback.
%
Planning all of your meals in advance; now there's food forethought.
%
China lands rover on Mars.
They call it the red planet.
%
Once reverse gear fails in your car, there's no going back.
%
Knowledge is knowing tomato is a fruit.
Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
%
I wanted to tell a USPS joke, but these days people might not get it.
%
A conclusion is the point at which you got tired of thinking.
%
I seized the day.
But it wriggled out of my grasp.
%
Years ago TV's had a control labeled Brilliance.
But that has been gone a long time now.
%
The shovel was a ground-breaking invention.
%
The early bird gets the worm.
The second mouse gets the cheese.
%
The best dodge-ball player from my grade school class has died.
He will be missed.
%
If you cook your kale with a little coconut oil,
it makes it easier to scrape into the garbage.
%
The numbers didn't add up.
I was nonplussed.
%
The invention of the broom truly swept the nation.
%
It was the invention of the wheel that got things rolling.
%
Nostalgia just ain't what it used to be.
%
Nostalgia: How long has that been around?
%
NASA is doing planing for a cafeteria on Mars.
Great food. No atmosphere.
%
I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather did,
not screaming in terror like his passengers.
%
Did Noah's Ark have a litter box, or did they just use the poop deck?
%
As a youth I though my life would be a gravy train.
Now I find that the gravy has lumps.
%
I Just Inherited a Fortune From My Uncle.
It Was The April, 1987 Issue.
%
No matter how fast light travels, it finds the darkness has always arrived first, and is waiting for it.
%
The penny machine at the U.S. mint stopped working for no reason.
It just does not make any cents.
%
If you were offered $500 because you were <i>ugly</i>, would you take it?
Absolutely. I am ugly -- not stupid.
%
Pilates? I thought you said Pie and Lattes.
%
One of the advantages of bowling over golf is that you seldom lose a bowling ball.
%
It is good sportsmanship to not pick up lost balls while they are still rolling.
%
I'd rather be driving my golf ball.
-- bumper sticker
%
Have you ever noticed what golf spells backwards?
%
You know you're old when the candles cost more than the cake.
%
Old age isn't so bad when you consider the alternative.
%
I am as old as my tongue and older than my teeth.
%
You're only young once, but you can be immature all your life.
%
Hey! I'll be back in 5 minutes.
If not, just read this again.
%
Accidentally buy the chips your spouse doesn't like, so you don't need to share.
%
Do regular dogs see police dogs and think, Oh no! It's a cop!?
%
The Psychic Fair was canceled due to unforeseen circumstances.
%
Someone stole my mood ring.
I'm not sure how to feel about that.
%
If attacked by a mob of clowns, go for the juggler.
%
To the thief that took my anti-depressants, I hope you're happy.
%
If cats could text you back, they wouldn't.
%
Went to the Air &amp; Space Museum.
There was nothing there.
%
I have a fetish for figuring things out
I just came to that realization.
%
A new Lego store recently opened.
People were lined up for blocks.
%
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords. I had to ground him.
He's doing better currently, and now conducting himself properly.
%
Of all the sentences ever written in this world, this is certainly one of them.
%
Why is it spelled "camouflage" and not "&emsp; &emsp; &emsp;"?
%
I'm trying to find a book on camouflage.
%
Never read a pop-up book about giraffes.
%
A man walks into Liberia and asks to borrow a book on dyslexia.
%
I'm writing a book about hurricanes and tornadoes.
It's only a draft at the moment.
%
I'm killing off a few characters in this book I'm writing.
It's going to be a very interesting autobiography.
%
I find it hard to get through this book on friction.
%
I just ate an entire philosophy book, and now I feel really thoughtful.
%
The local librarian wasn't ecstatic about me hitting the books; pages were everywhere.
%
I have issues when it comes to comic book collections
%
I quit reading that Braille book because something frightening was about to happen. I could feel it.
%
To the person who stole my Microsoft Office License.
I'm gonna find you. You have my Word.
%
In the sentence, Love is a verb, <i>love</i> is a noun.
%
Turtle wax is so expensive because they have such little ears.
%
I asked the clerk for 99 copies of the cookbook about grits.
Clerk, Hominy?
%
A new self-help book is out that focuses on your saliva.
Its title is What To Inspect When You're Expectorating.
%
Two tanker ships - one full of blue paint and one full of red paint - collided.
Both crews were marooned.
%
Told my wife I wanted to be cremated.
She made me an appointment for next Tuesday.
%
Don't you find it strange how little people change?
I think the process is the same, except for their tiny clothes.
%
I took my kids to Lego Land for vacation.
People were standing in lines for blocks.
%
<font size=5><b>What I if told you...</b></font>
What if I told you you read the title wrong
%
I was asked to name two things that hold water.
And I was like, "Well, dam."
%
Life is like a game of chess.
I don't know how to play chess.
%
Cross a four leaf clover with poison ivy and you get a rash of good luck.
%
An idiot will attempt something stupid soon...
Moron that later!
%
Two blood cells met and fell in love.
Alas, it was all in vein.
%
Property taxes are essentially just a yearly subscription to the county you live in.
%
When I eat healthy, a candy bar looks at me and snickers.
%
When one door close and another door opens, your house may be haunted.
%
Never make snow angels in a dog park.
%
Shouldn't brag, but I finished my 14-day diet in 3 hours.
%
Whiskey may not be the answer, but it's worth a shot.
%
I have a pen that writes underwater.
It can write other words, too.
%
I wonder what name my dog calls me?
%
I named my two dogs Casio and Timex.
They're watch dogs.
%
A woman gave birth in the car en route to the hospital.
Her husband named the kid, Carson.
%
I posted my picture on a dating service web site.
The moderators asked me to post a picture after my recovery.
%
I can't remember how to write 1, 1000, 51, 6, and 500 in Roman Numerals.
%
Absent bad luck, I wouldn't have any luck at all.
%
You should not believe everything found on the internet.
-- Dwight D. Eisenhower
%
There are two great rules in life:
1: Never give out everything at once.
%
The two unwritten rules of life:
1.
2.
%
Car salesman, "I'm really tired of hearing 'That's more than we paid for our first house.'"
%
2020 was the year I did not go to Jamaica because of COVID-19.
Normally I don't go because I cannot afford it.
%
If you replace the "W" in "When", "Where", and "What" with a "T",
you get the answer for each.
%
There's a fine line between a numerator and a denominator.
Only a fraction of you will get this.
%
If it was not for double standards, I wouldn't have any standards at all.
%
If it wasn't for stress, I wouldn't have any energy at all.
%
If it wasn't for bad luck, I wouldn't have any luck at all.
%
Shark Week is the safest time to to go to the beach.
They're all busy being on TV.
%
If you do not get the position for an unpaid internship, it matters not.
Just show up and start working. What are they going to do, pay you?
%
Three colorful things a skier needs:
Green money, White snow, and Blue Cross.
%
I don't always make the right decision,
but they sure make for telling good stories.
%
This <i>was</i> going to be a really bad bowling pun.
But I thought I'd spare you.
%
It's foolish to work up a head of steam
unless you know where you're going.
%
Love: An ocean of emotions entirely surrounded by expenses.
%
If birds that fly over the sea are seagulls,
then birds that fly over the bays are baygulls.
%
They say that brushing alone won't prevent cavities.
Have some empathy for the people that always brush alone.
%
Are telephone operators engaged in a profession or a business?
Neither, it's a calling
%
Cannibals like to eat where they serve truck drivers.
%
What do you call the student that graduates at the bottom of the medical class?
Doctor&nbsp;
%
How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but the light bulb has to really want to change.
%
I used to have a handle on life, but then it broke off.
%
There's only one thing that scares me on Halloween.
Which is?
Yeah. How did you know?
%
It's hard to trust stairs.
Because they're always up to something.
%
You've been drinking. I can smell it on your breath.
No. I've been eating frogs' legs. What you smell is the hops.
%
A stranger showed me a picture of his wife, Ain't she beautiful?
I said, If you believe so, you should see my wife.
He said, Wow, is she beautiful, too?
I said, She's an optician.
%
Son: Dad, are we pyromaniacs?
Dad: We arson.
%
I once thought of becoming a sculptor.
But it wasn't carved in stone.
%
My book on chronographs finally arrived. It's about time!
%
I called to make an appointment with a psychic
But he said I won't be able to make it.
%
I always knock on the fridge door before opening it, just in case there's a salad dressing.
%
I just spent $300 to rent a limo and learned it doesn't come with a driver.
I can't believe I have nothing to chauffeur it.
%
Over a century ago, two brothers decided it was possible to fly.
And, what do you know, they were Wright.
%
My doctor told me I was going deaf.
The news was hard for me to hear.
%
Not to brag but I made six figures last year.
I was also named worst employee at the toy factory.
%
I'm addicted to collecting vintage Beatles albums.
I really need Help.
%
Someone left a sweet note on my windshield that said "PARKING FINE".
%
I hate it when people say age is only a number.
Age is clearly a word.
%
I found a wooden shoe in my toilet today.
It was clogged.
%
I asked my date to meet me at the gym but she never showed up.
I guess the two of us aren't going to work out.
%
Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable.
%
People that run behind cars get exhausted,
and people who run in front get tired.
%
If you die in the same hospital you were born, your average velocity will be zero.
%
There are 3 types of people in the world:
> Those that make things happen.
> Those that just watch things happen.
> Those that have <b>no idea</b> what's happening.
%
I need to get my life together.
But I'm waiting to see if the world is going to end before I put in any real effort.
%
I love how my car's Check Engine light turns off.
Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
%
"Incontinence hotline. Can you hold?"
%
Some people age like a fine wine.
Some people age like a ripe banana,
%
Kids today expect to be paid when doing good.
Hell, at their age I was good for nothing.
%
Eat Well, Stay Fit, Die Anyway.
%
No Matter Where You Go, There You Are.
%
We're from the government. We're here to help you.
%
I frequently talk to myself.
I enjoy talking to someone whose opinions I respect.
%
What is the biggest lie in the entire universe?
"I have read and agree to the Terms and Conditions."
%
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
%
Some days you're the fly.
Some days you're the windshield.
%
In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.
%
Cells multiply by dividing.
%
Don't be sad when a bird craps on your head; be happy that cows can't fly.
%
I think you press 0 to be connected with customer service because that's how much help you'll get.
%
You haven't experienced awkward until you try to tickle someone who isn't ticklish.
%
Remember, it's not what you do... it's what you get away with.
%
My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well.
I was amazed! I never knew they worked.
%
Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
%
I sued the airline for losing my luggage.
I lost my case.
%
The first piece of luggage onto the carousel never belongs to anyone.
%
If God had intended us to fly,
he would have made it easier to get to the airport.
%
Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar.
You can't tell me that's just a coincidence!
%
C, E-flat, and G walk into a bar.
The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve minors here"
%
How long will the next bus be?
Same length as this one.
%
If you don't care where you are, then you ain't lost.
%
I had a job tying sausages together, but I couldn't make ends meet.
%
Bob's girlfriend, Ruth, fell off the back of his motorcycle.
He just rode on. Ruthless.
%
I needed a password eight characters long.
So I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.
%
If tomatoes are technically a fruit, is ketchup technically a smoothie?
%
I've never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic ...
without resorting to sound effects.
%
Happy 3 week anniversary to the 26 browser tabs I have open.
%
Why call someone, when you can just decide where you and your friend want to meet by exchanging 76 text messages?
%
Haikus are easy. But sometimes they don't make sense. Refrigerator.
%
70% of our planet is covered in water; the other 30% is covered in idiots.
%
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population.
%
Every child has a middle name -- so they can tell when they're in big trouble.
%
By the time you learn the rules of life, you're too old to play the game.
%
I'm inventing a car without wheels.
I've been working on it tirelessly.
%
Doctor: "Sir, I'm afraid your DNA is backwards."
Me: "And?"
%
The number 13? Not on my watch!
%
If time is money, ATMs must be time machines.
%
Introverts have fun too.
We just don't care for you to know...
%
My dog and I both freak out whenever the doorbell rings, but we run in opposite directions.
%
We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
%
I stare hard at a frozen juice can because it says, concentrate.
%
Russian history in 5 words: And then things got worse.
%
If a person told you they were a pathological liar, should you believe them?
%
I hope the guy who invented AutoCorrect burns in hello!
%
Books are just TV for smart people.
%
I just watched a documentary on marijuana.
I think all documentaries should be watched this way.
%
Everyone has a photographic memory.
Some just don't have film.
%
A clear conscience is usually a sign of a bad memory.
%
I had amnesia once -- or maybe twice.
%
A man doesn't understand women twice in his life.
Before marriage and after marriage.
%
The EU now has 1 GB of free space.
%
I wish Noah had swatted those two mosquitoes!
%
The trouble with learning from experience is that you never graduate.
%
Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted.
%
I used to work at a fire hydrant factory.
You couldn't park <u>anywhere</u> near the place!
%
Accidentally called 911.
Set my house on fire to not look stupid.
%
I quit my job at the helium gas plant.
I refuse to be talked to in that tone of voice!
%
I pretend to work here.
They pretend to pay me.
%
Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.
%
There is a very fine line between a 'hobby' and 'mental illness'.
%
I once took the p out of a pirate.
It made him very angry...
%
The primary cause of death is too many birthdays.
%
When someone asks me if I'm seeing anyone,
I automatically assume they mean a psychiatrist.
%
Hung a picture up on the wall the other day. I really nailed it.
%
It's not peer pressure, it's just your turn.
%
You're never too old to learn something stupid.
%
Sometimes I wish life had subtitles.
%
I put the fun in dysfunctional.
%
I'm such a bad cook. I use the smoke alarm as a timer.
%
The adjective for metal is metallic;
but not so for iron -- which is ironic.
%
I am so old. When I was a kid, rainbows were black and white.
%
Why do I keep paying the bills?
It just encourages them to send more.
%
The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.
%
What does a mathematician say when something goes wrong? "Figures!!"
%
To the guy who invented the number zero: Thanks for nothing.
%
To the person who invented infinity: Thanks for everything.
%
If Bill Gates had a penny for every time I had to reboot my computer ...oh wait, he does.
%
Desert and Dessert are both spelled wrong.
%
Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think,
What if these two socks don't even like each other?
%
I would give my right arm to be ambidextrous!
%
I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.
%
How many of you believe in telekinesis?
Raise <i>my</i> hand!
%
If number 666 is evil, then 25.8069758011 is the root of all evil.
%
STRESSED is just DESSERTS spelled backward.
%
I have yet to report my stolen credit card.
The thief is spending less than I did.
%
How do people lose their kids at the mall?
Seriously, any tips would be greatly appreciated.
%
It is easier to get forgiveness than to receive permission.
%
I'm always asking kids what they want to be when they grow up.
I'm still looking for ideas.
%
Talk is cheap -- until you hire a lawyer.
%
Talk is cheap.
Until you're lying down in a psychiatrist's office
%
Doesn't expecting the unexpected make the unexpected become the expected?
%
Early to bed, early to rise makes people suspicious.
%
Thanks once again to AutoCorrect, my sister's kids are expecting the Easter Rabbi tomorrow.
%
A prisoner with a stutter died before he could finish his sentence.
%
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
%
Squirrels always act like it's their first day of being a squirrel.
%
The intensity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.
%
Hard work has a future payoff.
Laziness pays off now.
%
I'm smiling. This should scare you.
%
Laugh and the world laughs with you.
Snore and you sleep alone.
%
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
%
Turtles think frogs are homeless.
%
I have one of those unlimited cell phone plans.
There's no limit to how much they can charge me.
%
It's bad luck to be superstitious.
%
Morning is the time when everyone is jealous of the unemployed.
%
Smartphones are pacifiers for adults.
%
I'm not lazy... I'm just on my energy saving mode.
%
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
%
There's safety in Numbers, but I prefer Deuteronomy.
%
Retirement kills more people than hard work ever did.
%
Santa's elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses.
%
The best way to lie is to tell the truth -- the carefully edited truth.
%
Sometimes, when I'm cruising the city in a $200K vehicle, I lean back and think, If the bus driver doesn't speed up I'll be late for work.
%
It's so simple to be seen as wise.
Just think of something stupid to say and then don't say it.
%
If by free spirits you mean an open bar,
then, yes, I love free spirits.
%
If I make you breakfast in bed, a simple thank you is all I need.
Not all this how did you get in my house?! business.
%
I bought a new Japanese car. I turned on the radio.
I don't understand a word they're saying.
%
No Déjà vu please...I Don't want to go through that again.
%
There are three kinds of people:
The ones good at math, and the ones not.
%
Why kill time when you can make it work for you?
%
People are making end-of-the-world jokes.
Like there is no tomorrow.
%
Work is for people who don't know how to fish.
%
Everything always ends well. If not – it's probably not the end.
%
Spoiler alert! The milk has been in the fridge for three weeks.
%
When I call a family meeting I turn off the house WiFi and wait for them all to come running.
%
If I've told you once, I've told you a million times - stop exaggerating!
%
Good punctuation is a sentence that's well written
and bad punctuation is a sentence that's, well, written.
%
If winning isn't everything, why do they keep score?
%
The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
%
With great reflexes comes great response ability.
%
I'm boycotting any company that sells items I can't afford.
%
Some people feel the rain. Others just get wet.
%
People who write u instead of you.
What do you do with all the time you save?
%
Funny how they say We need to talk when they really mean you need to listen.
%
Even paranoids have enemies.
%
The 50-50-90 rule:
Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right,
there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
%
My math teacher called me average. How mean!
%
The consensus after the election is that 100% of Americans think 50% of Americans have lost their minds.
%
Middle age is when work is a lot less fun, and fun a lot more work.
%
Never ask a woman who is eating ice cream straight from the carton how she's doing.
%
I hate peer pressure and you should too.
%
Some learn from the mistakes of others; the rest of us have to be the others.
%
You can make a water-bed more bouncy by using spring water.
%
Another World's Oldest Person has died.
This is beginning to look suspicious.
%
One bird can't make a pun. But toucan.
%
A bus station is where the bus stops.
A train station is where the train stops.
On my desk, I have a work station....
%
Behind every successful student, there is a deactivated Facebook account.
%
Incorrectly, when spelled right, is still spelled incorrectly.
%
Finland has just closed it borders... so now nobody can cross the Finnish line.
%
Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
%
Electricity is dangerous. Shocking, ain't it?
%
There's no 'I' in team, but there is a 'U' in suck.
%
I've told my suitcases there will be no vacation this year.
Now I'm dealing with the emotional baggage.
%
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
%
The knack of flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.
%
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
%
The right to be heard does not include the right to be taken seriously.
%
Multitasking: screwing up several things at once.
%
By and large, all generalizations are false.
%
Everything happens for a reason.
Unfortunately, sometimes the reason is you.
%
There are three kinds of people&thinsp;:
The ones who learn by reading.
The ones who learn by observation.
And the rest of them who have to touch wet paint.
%
We are all time travelers moving at the speed of exactly 60 minutes per hour.
%
When I was young, I was afraid of the dark.
Now with my electric bill, I am afraid of the light.
%
I made up a new word today. Plagiarism.
%
My job is secure. No one else wants it.
%
I don't have a solution, but I do admire the problem.
%
I eat the broken cookies first because I feel bad for them.
%
Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
%
Was just informed by my doctor that I am color blind..
This diagnosis has really come out of the blue.
%
I didn't say it was your fault; I said I was blaming you.
%
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
%
Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is the best defense.
%
Don't people who bring bikes on the subway realize what bikes are used for?
%
I plan on living forever.
So far ... so good.
%
I made my password incorrect.
When I enter it wrong, the system reminds me, Your password is incorrect.
%
My email password has been hacked.
It's the third time I've had to rename my son.
%
My eBay password has been hacked.
That's the fourth time I've had to rename the cat.
%
My Twitter password was hacked again.
That's the fifth time I've had to rename the dog.
%
Nearly any fool can use a computer.
Many do.
%
People would laugh when I would say I want to be a comedian.
Well nobody's laughing now.
%
The older I get, the earlier it gets late.
%
I went to the mall.
I saw old people younger than me.
%
Everyone my age is older than me...
%
Scientists say the universe is made up of Protons, Neutrons, and Electrons.
They forgot to mention Morons.
%
I gave up my seat to a blind person in the bus.
That is how I lost my job as a bus driver.
%
TRUE FRIENDSHIP: Walking into a person's house and your WiFi connects automatically.
%
Behind every angry woman is a man who has absolutely no idea what he did wrong.
%
Where do Forest Rangers go to get away from it all?
%
I dislike people who use big words just to make themselves look perspicacious.
%
An optimist believes that we live in the best of times.
The pessimist fears that it might be true.
%
What is the best thing about living in Switzerland?
Well, the flag is a big plus.
%
AutoCorrect has become my worst enema.
%
If you have found the best hiding place, then you have <u>not</u> found the best hiding place.
%
The TV weather lady said to dress for the 60's.
I had to look <b>way</b> back in my closet for those clothes.
%
Still angry at my classmates that voted me
Most Likely To Hold A Grudge.
%
The man who created AutoCorrect has died.
May he restaurant in peas.
%
For maximum attention, nothing beats a good mistake.
%
Automated Phone System:
If you understand English, press 1.
If you do not understand English, press 2.
%
During the pandemic I resolved to read more.
So, I activated the subtitles of my TV.
%
Clones are people two.
%
Whiteboards are remarkable.
%
I have a beard.
-- a bald-faced liar
%
A perfectionist walked into a bar.
...apparently, the bar wasn't set high enough.
%
Four fonts walk into a bar. The bartender says,
Hey! We don't want your type in here!
%
A man walks into a bar with a chunk of asphalt under one arm.
The man says, Beer, please, and one for the road.
%
I don't want to achieve immortality through my work.
I want to achieve it through not dying.
%
A man put on a clean pair of socks every day of the week.
By Friday he could hardly get his shoes on.
%
I'm coming out with a condensed phone book.
It has only one number in it: 411.
%
I threw a boomerang a couple years ago.
I now live in constant fear.
%
A school teacher married a dairymaid, but it didn't last.
They were like chalk and cheese.
%
I was addicted to the hokey pokey.
But then I turned myself around.
%
It's not that I'm afraid to die.
I just don't want to be there when it happens.
%
I never feel more alone than when I'm trying to put sunscreen on my back.
%
If the customer is always right,
then why isn't everything free?
%
Getting back together with an old boyfriend is pathetic.
It's like having a garage sale and buying your own stuff back.
%
What would you call a nose without a body?
Nobody knows.
%
I was diagnosed with antisocial behavior disorder.
So, I joined a support group.&ensp;We never meet.
%
I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday.
I'll tell you what -- never again.
%
Always borrow money from a pessimist.
They'll never expect it back.
%
A baby ghost applied to join the football team.
He heard they were in need of a little team spirit.
%
Will glass coffins catch on?
Remains to be seen.
%
Two fish are in a small tank.
One says, How do you drive this thing?
%
I can still remember a time when I knew more than my phone.
%
There was a kidnapping at school.
It's fine, he woke up.
%
There was a fire at the circus.
It was in tents!
%
I don't deserve this award,
but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either.
%
An aye for an aye makes the whole world pirates.
%
A man stole 10 bars of soap from a supermarket.
He made a clean getaway.
%
I always wanted to be somebody.
I guess I should've been more specific.
%
I'm reading a great book about anti-gravity.
I just can't set it down.
%
I asked the librarian if they had any books on paranoia.
She whispered, "They're right behind you."
%
There will never be a book about procrastinating professionally.
%
A most confusing book: Ventriloquism for Dummies.
%
I'm reading a book about mazes. I got lost in it.
%
I was going to buy a book on phobias, but I was afraid it wouldn't help me.
%
UPS finally delivered the book about horology that I ordered.
It's about time.
%
I love how this book about Origami is unfolding.
%
I lost another audio-book and now I'll never hear the end of it.
%
The key to a successful geography book store is location, location, location.
%
My cat drank three bowls of milk.
He set a new lap record.
%
My father has schizophrenia,
but he's good people.
%
Sure it's a small world,
but I wouldn't want to paint it.
%
I bought a package of batteries,
but they weren't included.
%
I think the Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day.
%
When I was a child my father attacked me with cameras.
I still have flashbacks.
%
I just did some serious cleaning in here.
You could totally eat off this table.
%
A farmer counted 196 cows in the field.
But when he rounded them up, he had 200.
%
I was reading the dictionary.
I thought it was a poem about everything.
%
One of the cows didn't produce milk today.
It was an udder failure.
%
My friend's bakery burned down last night.
Now his business is toast.
%
Two peanuts were walking down the street.
One was a salted.
%
When arresting a mime, do you have to tell him he has the right to remain silent?
%
I was attacked by a group of mimes.
They did unspeakable things to me.
%
So, a dyslexic guy walked into a bra.
%
My friend was explaining electricity to me,
but I was like, Watt?
%
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
%
Don't knock the weather.
Without it most people couldn't start a conversation.
%
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
%
I never forget a face, but in your case,
I'll be glad to make an exception.
%
An indigenous man once drank 5 gallons of tea.
He drowned in his tepee.
%
I wouldn't want to fly Virgin.
Who'd want to fly an airline that doesn't go all the way?
%
If athletes get athlete's foot,
do astronauts get mistletoe?
%
What do you get from a pampered cow?
Spoiled milk.
%
A pig stands in front of an electric socket:
Oh no! Who put you into that wall?!
%
I'd rather have a full bottle in front of me than a full frontal lobotomy.
%
Just who is the genius that decided to put fire hydrants in all the good parking spots?
%
If a parsley farmer gets sued,
can they garnish his wages?
%
Apparently I snore so loudly that it scares everyone in the car I'm driving.
%
If an anonymous comment goes unread,
is it still irritating?
%
My great-grandfather helped build the Eiffel Tower.
It was the most riveting thing of his entire life.
%
I just got a universal remote control.
I thought to myself, "This changes everything."
%
I can't believe I got fired from the calendar factory.
All I did was take a day off.
%
I was fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn't putting in enough shifts.
%
The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.
%
The key to eating healthy is not eating any food that has a TV commercial.
%
My dog is lazy. He don't chase cars.
He sits on the curb and takes down license plate numbers.
%
Unless you're the lead dog, the view never changes.
%
This isn't an office.
It's hell with fluorescent lighting.
%
I don't find it hard to meet expenses. They're everywhere.
%
A man gave up his job as a fishmonger.
He said it was making him shellfish.
%
Just when I thought the world was my oyster,
I discovered that I was allergic to shellfish.
%
How do you make holy water?
You boil the hell out of it.
%
I'm against picketing,
but I don't know how to demonstrate it.
%
Two ghosts fell madly in love.
It was love at first fright.
%
I don't suffer from insanity. Oh no!
I enjoy every minute of it.
%
When in doubt,
look intelligent.
%
Taking pictures with an iPad is the new fanny pack.
%
Employee of the Month is a good example of when a person can be a winner and a loser at the same time.
%
Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.
%
Our hometown baseball team is called the Possums.
They get killed on the road.
%
A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
%
Forgetting an e-mail attachment is the 21st-century version of licking an envelope shut and then realizing you forgot to put the letter inside.
%
I thought I was indecisive.
But now I'm not so sure.
%
I gave my kid a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying Toys not included.
%
Before LinkedIn,
I didn't know any strangers.
%
If you want to know what God thinks of money,
just look at the people he gave it to.
%
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
%
I got all my looks from my father.
Mostly just the look of disappointment.
%
Don't trust atoms.
They make up everything.
%
Where does a one-armed man shop?
At a secondhand store.
%
Where are Average Things manufactured?
The satisfactory.
%
A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman's birthday but never remembers her age.
%
Two WiFi engineers got married.
The reception was fantastic.
%
A computer once beat me at chess,
but it was no match at kickboxing.
%
When life gives you melons, you may be dyslexic.
%
When the hospital made me put on one of those little gowns,
I knew the end was in sight.
%
Why is there so much pressure to spend Independence Day with other people?
%
A book fell on my head the other day.
I only have my shelf to blame though.
%
Just lost my job as a set designer.
There was drama, but I left without making a scene.
%
Just want to thank my mail carrier for delivering my recycling directly to my house.
%
Every novel is a mystery novel if you never finish it.
%
Marry an orphan:
You'll never have to spend boring holidays with the in-laws.
%
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
%
It takes a lot of balls to golf the way I do.
%
The point of golf is to play less golf.
%
There were a bunch of break-ins at the parking structure.
That was wrong on so many levels.
%
Despite the high cost of living,
it remains popular.
%
Russian dolls are so full of themselves.
%
What is the sound of no hands texting?
%
A termite walks into the bar.
"Is the bar tender here?"
%
I have a fear of speed bumps,
but I'm slowly getting over it.
%
My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are.
But I laugh more.
%
I thought about going on an all-almond diet,
but that's just nuts.
%
I saw a documentary on how ships are put together.
It was riveting.
%
I was googling the best time to visit the French Riviera.
Turns out it is when you have money.
%
Human beings are the only creatures on earth that allow their children to come back home.
%
Folks in online dating sites should post pictures posing with a copy of today's newspaper.
%
No one has ever complained of their parachute not opening.
%
Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
%
If A is for Apple and B is for banana, what is C for?
Plastic explosives.
%
If con is the opposite of pro,
then isn't Congress the opposite of progress?
%
I always seem to buy the plants without the will to live.
%
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
%
I thought about becoming an atheist.
But, they have no holidays.
%
Atheists don't solve exponential equations because they don't believe in higher powers.
%
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
%
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary.
What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
%
People these days are so judgmental.
I can tell just by looking at them.
%
I often wonder about people who live in tropical destinations.
What do their screen savers look like?
%
"I have a split personality", said Tom, being frank.
%
The food on the plane was fit for a king.
Here, King!
%
I set out to play golf with the intention of shooting my age,
but I shot my weight instead.
%
I was going to manufacture pencils with erasers at both ends.
But my investors couldn't see the point.
%
I was going to make a joke about sharpening pencils in the dark...
But I couldn't see the point.
%
I tried being a vegetarian for a day.
It was a missed steak.
%
My girlfriend likes to role-play.
For five years now, she's been playing my ex-girlfriend.
%
What did the Zero say to the Eight?
Nice belt!
%
I sold my vacuum cleaner, since it was only collecting dust.
%
Equations are the devil's sentences.
%
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
%
Facts do not cease to exist because they are ignored.
%
Shout out to the people asking what the opposite of in is.
%
If procrastination was an Olympic sport, I'd compete in it later.
%
Yesterday, I fell off a 15 foot ladder.
Luckily I was on the first rung..
%
I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.
%
I didn't think orthopedic shoes would help,
but I stand corrected.
%
The opera singer was arrested. He was in serious treble.
%
I like to stop the microwave at 1 second just -- to feel like a bomb defuser.
%
When I found out that my toaster wasn't waterproof, I was shocked.
%
Many years ago my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past.
Still annoys me.
%
<b>CAPS LOCK</b> – Preventing Login Since 1980.
%
I have an inferiority complex but it's not a very good one.
%
WiFi went down during family dinner tonight.
One kid started talking and I didn't know who he was.
%
My wife left me -- saying it was my obsession with sports.
It's sad. We've been married for more than seven seasons.
%
Sprinter rarely eat before a race.
They fast.
%
It's OK computer.
I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
%
Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
%
A hole was found in the fence at the nudist colony.
The police are looking into it.
%
Time is nature's way of making sure that everything doesn't happen at once.
Space is nature's way of making sure that everything doesn't happen to you.
%
I enjoy sleeping naked.
Why can't the flight attendant understand this?
%
If you press the elevator button three times it goes into hurry mode – really...
%
Living on earth may be expensive,
but it includes an annual free trip around the sun.
%
My internet is so slow.
It's faster to drive to Google headquarters and ask them questions in person.
%
For fast-acting relief,
try slowing down.
%
I went to buy some camo pants.
But I couldn't find any.
%
I'm not sure if I lost my camo pants,
or if they're just <i>really</i> effective.
%
I've just written a song about tortillas;
actually, it's more of a rap.
%
People who use selfie sticks really need to have a good, long look at themselves.
%
My son-in-law is a stonemason's son.
He is a chip off the old block.
%
Moses had the first tablet that could connect to the cloud.
%
You don't pay taxes -- they take taxes.
%
Anyone who thinks women talk too much has never sat through a six-hour Super Bowl pregame show.
%
I haven't slept for ten days,&ensp;because that would be too long.
%
My wife said that I twist everything she says to my advantage.
I took that as a compliment.
%
My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life.
He was right -- I feel ten years older already.
%
When someone tells you that something defies description,
you can be pretty sure he's going to have a go at it anyway.
%
Did you hear about the crook who stole a calendar?
He got twelve months.
%
Came home late from the bar. Wife, "It's either me or the bar, which one is it?”
I mumbled, “It's you. I can tell by the voice.”
%
Did you hear about the cross-eyed optician?
He could never see eye to eye with his patients.
%
I once read a book on the dangers of drinking.
At that point I gave up reading.
%
Yesterday a clown held the door open for me.
I thought it was a nice jester...
%
Did you hear about the dyslexic Satanist?
He sold his soul to Santa.
%
A priest, a minister and a rabbit walk into a bar.
The rabbit says, I think I might be a typo.
%
The meek shall inherit the earth ... if it's okay with the rest of you guys.
%
Refusing to go to the gym is a form of resistance training.
%
I can't believe I forgot to go to the gym today.
That's 7 years in a row now.
%
Life is a comedy for those who think,
but a tragedy for those who feel.
%
If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.
%
You never realize what you have until it's gone.
Toilet paper, for example.
%
Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.
%
It's not the bullet that kills you, it's the hole.
%
2+2=5 for extremely large values of 2.
%
<b>Lite:</b> the new way to spell Light, now with 20% fewer letters!
%
People are lot less judgy when you say you ate an 'avocado salad'
... instead of a bowl of guacamole.
%
Friends wave red flags when you have a bad idea.
A real friend will pick up a camera.
%
Brain cells come and go but fat cells live forever.
%
The possibilities are endless, but I just want the good ones.
%
Waitress, "Do you have any questions about the menu?"
Me, "What kind of font is this?"
%
The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.
%
Efficiency is a highly developed form of laziness.
%
Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
%
Progress is made by lazy men looking for an easier way to do things.
%
Rap is to music as Etch-A-Sketch is to art.
%
People who live in stone houses shouldn't throw glasses.
%
I'm starting to think cyber security is on par with mall security.
%
Dogs have masters. Cats have staff.
%
You never notice the air -- until someone spoils it.
%
When a guy says he's fine, what he really means is he's fine.
%
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.
%
I can't get enough minimalism.
%
Mothers with teenagers know why some animals eat their young.
%
It is hard to understand how a cemetery could raise the cost of a plot
and blame it on the cost of living.
%
46.8 percent of all statistics are simply made up.
%
A lot of people are afraid of heights.
Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
%
Sad news about the Italian chef.
He pasta way.
%
If we're going to arm the teachers at least give the librarians silencers.
%
Plumbers sleep with pipe dreams.
%
There must be more to life than having it all.
%
The older a man is, the farther he had to walk to school.
%
The first restaurant on the Moon.
Great food, no atmosphere.
%
I saw a sign that said, Watch for children.
Gee, I thought, That sounds like a good trade.
%
Live every day as if it's your last.
One day you'll get it right.
%
Did you hear about the paranoid bloodhound?
He was convinced that certain people were following him.
%
The old computer cracker never retired.
He just ransomware.
%
Old barbers never retire.
They just don't make the cut.
%
Old composers never retire.
They have scores to settle.
%
Old janitors never retire;
they just kick the bucket.
%
Old Android users never retire;
they just get dis-droid.
%
Old actors never retire;
they just lose the part.
%
Old teachers never retire;
they just lose their class.
%
Old daredevils never retire;
they just get discouraged.
%
Old farmers never retire;
they just go to seed.
%
Old chemists never retire;
they just fail to react.
%
Old burglars never retire;
they just steal away.
%
Old auto mechanics never die;
they just re-tire.
%
Archaeologists never retire;
their careers are in ruins.
%
Old skateboarders never retire;
they just lose their bearings.
%
Old policemen never retire;
they just cop out.
%
Old owls never retire;
they just don't give a hoot.
%
Old blonds never fade;
they just dye away.
%
Old cashiers never retire;
they just check out.
%
Old programmers never retire;
they just go to bits.
%
Old C programmers never retire;
they just lose their functions.
%
Old college deans never retire;
they just lose their faculties.
%
Old hippies never retire;
they just smell that way.
%
Old investors never retire;
they just rollover.
%
Old eye doctors never retire;
they just dilate.
%
Old skiers never retire;
they just go downhill.
%
Old pinballers never retire;
they just flip out.
%
Old salesmen never retire;
they just go out of commission.
%
Old mathematicians never retire;
they just lose all of their functions.
%
Old lawyers never retire;
they just lose their appeal.
%
Old bankers never retire;
they just lose their interest.
%
Old accountants never retire;
they just lose their balance.
%
Don't sweat the petty things,
and don't pet the sweaty things.
%
6:30 is the best time on a clock -- hands down.
%
My biggest problem with time travel is:
How many days would you pack for?
%
My father is allergic to cotton. He has pills to take,
but he can't get them out of the bottle.
%
If God wanted us to fly,
he would have given us tickets.
%
What are they planting to grow the seedless watermelon?
%
My parents sent me to military school in Switzerland.
There they taught me how to be neutral.
%
I don't know how to speed-read.
Instead, I listen to Books on Tape on fast-forward.
%
A young cat went to work for the Red Cross.
She wanted to be a first aid kit.
%
A passing septic service truck declared 19,500 lbs. of very gross weight.
%
A man stole a truckload of eggs, but he returned them.
Apparently he only did it for a yolk.
%
When you put the two words The and IRS together,
they spell THEIRS.
%
Communist jokes aren't funny unless everyone gets them.
%
The cannibal showed up late to the buffet.
They gave him the cold shoulder.
%
The man who invented Velcro has died. RIP.
%
You're sending me something via fax?
What is it, an important document from 1993?
%
The last thing I want to do is hurt you;
but it's still on the list.
%
Maybe fear is God's way of saying,
Pay attention, this could be fun.
%
It was an emotional wedding.
Even the cake was in tiers.
%
You can't plant flowers if you haven't botany.
%
Pollen is what happens when flowers can't keep it in their plants.
%
Don't you hate it when someone answers their own questions?
Well, I do.
%
Most people are shocked when they find out how bad I am as an electrician.
%
Two fish swim into a concrete wall.
The one turns to the other and says, Dam!
%
What should you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
%
Geology rocks, but geography's where it's at.
%
This morning I forgot where the sun rises,
then it dawned on me.
%
There is this guy who lost his left arm and leg in a car crash.
He's all right now.
%
Never trust a man with a tassel on his loafer.
It's like, What, did your foot just graduate?
%
A synonym is a word you use when you can't spell the first word you thought of.
%
I own the world's worst thesaurus.
Not only is it awful, it's awful.
%
I ate a clock yesterday, it was very time-consuming.
%
If you don't pay your exorcist, do you get repossessed?
%
At what age would it be appropriate to tell a highway it's adopted?
%
For plumbers,
a flush beats a full house.
%
I met a girl at an internet cafe,
but we didn't click.
%
What's the best thing about elevator jokes?
They work on so many levels.
%
A horse is a very stable animal.
%
The indecisive rower couldn't choose either oar.
%
I used to be addicted to soap,
but I'm clean now.
%
My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo,
so had to put my foot down.
%
A man tried to sell me a coffin today.
I told him that's the last thing I need.
%
Dying is the last thing I want to do.
%
I used to work for a soft drink can crushing company.
It was soda pressing.
%
What's the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well dressed man on a bicycle? Attire.
%
Steak puns . . .
They're a rare-medium, well done.
%
I know Jujitsu, Samba, Judo, Aikido&emsp;and lots of other scary words.
%
Looking at the serving size of Laughing Cow cheese;
I can see why the cow is laughing.
%
I need a new bank account.
This one has run out of money.
%
My brain is not equipped with facial or name recognition technology.
%
I like to hold hands at the movies... which always seems to startle strangers.
%
I sometimes go to my own little world, but that's okay, they know me there.
%
For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.
%
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
%
I told my wife she drew her eyebrows too high.
She seemed surprised.
%
I've only been wrong once, and that's when I thought I was wrong.
%
I often confuse reptiles and amphibians.
They pretty much never know what I'm talking about.
%
AutoCorrect can go to He'll.
%
You'll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.
%
All men are not fools, there are still some bachelors.
%
The recipe said Set the oven to 180 degrees; so I did.
But now I can't open it because the door faces the wall.
%
I always put in a full eight hours at work -- spread out over the course of the week.
%
There's never enough time to do it right,
but there's always enough time to do it over.
%
I ate a my watch yesterday.
It was so time consuming.
%
Queue: It's the letter q and four silent letters.
%
People who want to share their religious or political views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
%
I'll be doing a book signing today at Barnes &amp; Noble from 2pm,
until they kick me out for writing in random books.
%
The panic begins with the first one to say 'Calm down!'
%
Statistically 6 out of 7 Dwarfs are not Happy.
%
It would be easier to remember your age if it didn't change every year.
%
Never go to bed angry, stay awake and plot your revenge.
%
When you don't know what you are doing, it's best, to do it quickly.
%
He's a few clowns short of a circus.
%
I don't care how funny you are, if I don't like you, I won't laugh.
%
When you try to prove to someone that something doesn't work, it will.
%
Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot them?
%
Every time I find the meaning of life, they change it.
%
Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.
%
My husband and I are incompatible.
I'm a Gemini and he's a horse's ass.
%
Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
%
Don't regret doing things; regret getting caught.
%
Until recently my life was a mystery.
Now I am going to make it a history.
%
If I've learned anything in life,
it's that not enough people are at a loss for words.
%
All I ask for is a chance to prove money can't make me happy.
%
Work is the price you pay for money.
%
My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
%
You're just jealous because the voices are talking to me.
%
Some people are the reason God created the middle finger.
%
I WRITE ALL MY JOKES IN CAPITALS.
THIS ONE WAS WRITTEN IN PARIS.
%
Cashier: How would you like to pay for this.
Me: Not at all.
%
When I go jogging, I listen to a portable cassette player,
so will people think I've been running for 30 years.
%
What goes through a bird's mind when he passes through a fireworks display?
%
If a painting can be forged well enough to fool experts, why is the original so valuable?
%
Baseball is the only sport that appears backward in a mirror.
%
People tell you to have a safe trip, as if you had some control over it.
%
At what point in his journey does an emigrant become an immigrant?
%
How is it possible to be seated on a standing committee?
%
I put a dollar in one of those change machines. Nothing changed.
%
I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
%
It's difficult to believe that the small amount of water I take from the water cooler creates such a large bubble.
%
What year did Jesus think it was?
%
After a big flood, where do all those rowboats go?
%
The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life.
%
If a really stupid person becomes senile, how can you tell?
%
What exactly is midair? Is there some other part of the air besides the mid part?
%
Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?
Because he had no guts.
%
A magician was walking down the street.
Then he turned into a book store.
%
I forgot how to throw a boomerang,
but it soon came back to me.
%
Elect a clown; expect a circus.
%
My sea sickness comes in waves.
%
All the police station's toilets were stolen.
The police have nothing to go on.
%
Neologism:
Flabbergasted (Adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
%
Neologism:
Abdicate (V.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
%
Neologism:
Negligent (Adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.
%
Neologism:
Gargoyle (N.), olive-flavored mouthwash
%
Neologism:
Flatulence (N.), emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller
%
Women are cursed, and men are the reason.
%
The way to a man's heart is through his stomach.
The way to a woman's heart is through the doors of a restaurant.
%
Men play the game; women know the score.
%
The difference between a man and a women is that a man can walk past a shoe store.
%
Women shop; Men buy.
Understanding the difference will ease your path through life.
%
A man on a date wonders if he's going to be lucky. A woman already knows.
%
All men make mistakes, but married men find out about it sooner.
%
Married men live longer that single men.
But married men are a lot more willing to die.
%
Any man who thinks marriage is a fifty-fifty proposition doesn't understand women -- or fractions.
%
Some husbands are living proof that a woman can take a joke.
%
Trust your husband; adore your husband.
And get as much as you can in your own name.
%
The war of the sexes is the only one in which both sides sleep with the enemy.
%
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the start of a new argument.
%
Marriage can be tough because you have to deal with feelings and lawyers.
%
If a woman hasn't met the right man by the time she's twenty-four, maybe she's lucky.
%
Most folks spend the first half of their lives picking up habits that shorten the second half.
%
There are two ways to handle women... nobody knows what they are.
%
I had to fire the guy I hired to mow my lawn, he just wasn't cutting it.
%
It's always puzzled me as to why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
%
I'm not fat, I'm just extra short for my weight.
%
Stephen King has a son named Joe and I'm not joking but he is.
%
Yesterday I saw a book called How to solve 50% of your problems -- so I bought 2.
%
I have a chemistry joke, but I don't think it'll get any reaction.
%
My friends call me inattentive, but I just ignore them.
%
Similes are like metaphors.
%
Smaller babies are delivered by a stork.
But bigger ones need a crane.
%
Pick-pocketing is mostly crowdfunded.
%
Why do they call it a hot water heater when it actually heats cold water?
%
Whoever named them missiles wasn't very optimistic.
%
It's called a roach clip because pot holder was taken.
%
Every fish you catch and release goes home with an alien abduction story.
%
Words cannot express how much I hate emojis.
%
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7 and 9.
The odds were against me.
%
My ex-wife misses me, but her aim is getting better.
%
Two 'Math For Dummies' books at $14.99 each. That'll be $57.00, sir.
%
Meaningless tautologies are what they are.
%
Did you know 4 out of 3 people struggle with math?
%
Is it just me, or is a good camouflage expert hard to find?
%
I went to buy some camouflage pants the other day,
but I couldn't find any.
%
Any dog can be a guide dog, if you don't care where you're going.
%
Obesity is a huge problem.
%
OK, just so everybody's clear, I'm going to put my glasses on.
%
If you don't know what an enigma is, then it's a mystery.
%
Taller people sleep longer in bed.
%
My girlfriend says I'm too skeptical, but I doubt it.
%
I'D LIKE TO GIVE A SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE LIBRARIANS...oh I'm sorry.
%
I overthink -- or at least I think I do,
%
I called the Urology Clinic and the Nurse asked me if I could hold!
%
Treadmills are a good investment in the long run.
%
How many times must I tell you that I never repeat myself!
%
Never fall for click-bait again with this one easy <u>trick!</u>
%
Pepperonis are great, but nothing tops a plain cheese pizza.
%
If you're hearing voices, you should talk to someone.
%
Drilling holes is boring.
%
I wonder if anybody uses Head and Shoulders to wash their shoulders.
%
I bought a chameleon, but lost it.
%
Never ask a starfish for directions.
%
It's amazing how much authority a parking cone has!!
%
Why is a group of squids not called a SQUAD?
%
The ceiling fan isn't my favorite piece of furniture, but it's up there.
%
I'm not a competitive person... I'll be the first to admit it.
%
The worst one-liner was probably the Titanic.
%
Ambiguity is my middle name. No. Wait. Maybe not.
%
To and Too are two different words.
%
Quick Science Fact:
Everything in the universe is either a cat, or not a cat.
%
The number of people older than you are steadily decreasing.
%
Contrarians must learn how to except other people's opinions.
%
My Mom and Dad were dwarfs.
All their lives they struggled to put food on the table.
%
Statistically you're safer by not going to a hospital.
%
You can remove any 1 letter from the word seat and still have a real word.
%
What idiot named them horses and not zerocorns?
%
What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?
%
My friends complain that I never listen to them ... or something like that.
%
Got a book about DIY electrical projects. Shocking stuff, really.
%
To get the proper camping experience, it has to be intense,
%
Two crows got arrested today for an attempted murder.
%
I accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles.
My next bowel movement could spell disaster!
%
Technically a space suit protects an astronaut from nothing.
%
I handle transactions for a multi-million dollar company.
I'm a cashier at McDonald's.
%
I asked the librarian if she had books on Pavlov's dog and Schrodinger's cat.
She said it rang a bell, but wasn't sure if it was there or not.
%
I wanted to be a one-liner comedian, but I soon realized I'd needed more material.
%
Staycations are nothing to write home about.
%
I could stand at an angle of 45 degrees if I was so inclined.
%
The rotation of the earth really makes my day!
%
I wish more people were fluent in silence.
%
The days of good grammar has went.
%
Every warning label has an awesome backstory.
%
You should treat mom to a Gin &amp; Tonic.
After all, you're probably the reason she drinks.
%
Numerous studies have shown that the majority of people genuinely believe they are not like the majority of people.
%
I said I was good at making decisions.
I did not say I made good decisions.
%
Tilt your head way back and things will be looking up for you.
%
I took a urine test at the hospital yesterday.
Man, my kleptomania is out of control!
%
Thanks for telling me the definition of plethora.
It means a lot.
%
It was a hillbilly romance.
She was only a whiskey maker; he loved her still.
%
The Flat Earth Society claims it has members from all around the globe.
%
The past, present and the future walk into a bar.
It was tense.
%
shh. Be quiet.
My foot's asleep.
%
Sure, money isn't everything.
But, it ain't nothing, either,
%
Nine out of 10 doctors agree that the other doctor is an idiot.
%
I told my doctor that I broke my arm in two places.
She told me to stop going to those places.
%
My dog once ate all the Scrabble tiles.
For days he kept leaving little messages around the house.
%
I asked my doctor, "Help me. I'm addicted to Twitter!"
She replied, "Sorry, I'm not following you."
%
A cement mixer collided with a prison van.
Be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals.
%
A skeleton walks into a bar.
He orders a beer and a mop.
%
Parallel lines have so much in common.
It's a shame they'll never meet.
%
<span style=font-family: 'Comic Sans MS';>Comic Sans</span> and <span style=font-family: 'Times New Roman';><b>Times Roman</b></span> walk into a bar.
"Leave", shouts the bartender! "We don't serve your type!"
%
How does a cucumber become a pickle?
It goes through a jarring experience.
%
I broke a finger on my hand last week.
On the other hand, everything is OK.
%
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
%
To the person who stole my glasses
I will find you.&ensp; I have contacts.
%
I like toilets for 2 reasons:
Number 1. And, Number 2.
%
Working in a mirror factory is something I can see myself doing.
%
<span style=font-family: 'Times New Roman';>I</span>, for one, love roman numerals.
%
Never fall in love with a tennis player.
Love means nothing to them.
%
A friend makes extra money cleaning out horse stalls.
I think he is a incomepoop.
%
My uncle has the heart of a lion,
and a lifetime ban at the zoo.
%
This week I started on the Rum Diet.
So far I've lost 3 whole days.
%
I have a lot of baggage to deal with.
I handle lost luggage at the airport.
%
Why is a football field measured in yards?
%
I spent a career studying human aging.
Same old - Same old...
%
How is life treating me?, you ask.
Ha!I'm paying for every moment of it.
%
Interstate highway rest stops are safe zones on Halloween.
There is no rest for the wicked.
%
I finally realized that I am old.
My bunions are older than my podiatrist.
%
I ate at that new cafe called The Mummy Place .
They serve mostly wraps.
%
It pays to look out for yourself,
but it's not enough to live on.
%
Our town is so small we don't have a town drunk. So we take turns.
%
Strength: Drink six glasses of milk and try to move a wall.
Can't? Drink six glasses of wine -- and the wall moves all by itself.
%
Getting old is just a temporary condition.
%
Your secret's safe with me.
I wasn't even listening.
%
If only we could invoice people for wasting our time.
%
The road to success has so many tempting parking spaces.
%
I'm going to stop putting things off, starting tomorrow.
%
Revenge sounds so mean.
I prefer to call it returning the favor.
%
Reality is the leading cause of stress for those in touch with it.
%
They say nothing's impossible but I've been doing nothing all day.
%
A friend recently swallowed a frog.
I fear he may croak at any minute.
%
A cat may have nine lives, but a bullfrog croaks every time.
%
I was almost killed twice yesterday.
Once would have been enough.
%
He's the kind of guy that hits the nail squarely on the thumb.
%
I have a CPA who is brilliant!
They just named a loophole after her.
%
Overweight is when you live beyond your seams.
%
Worry is the interest we pay on trouble before it's due.
%
Wrinkles are hereditary.
Parents get them from their children.
%
An X-ray technician married a patient he tested.
He must have seen something in her.
%
Youth is always ready to give maturity the benefit of inexperience.
%
Our zoo has a donkey with a genius IQ -- but no friends.
Who likes a smart ass, anyway?
%
Hard work never killed anybody.
But, then, relaxing has caused very few casualties.
%
I've reached that age when everything has started to click
-- my knees, my neck, my elbows, my shoulders...
%
In Florida they use alligators to make shoes.
It's amazing what they can train alligators to do.
%
Some people are just <i>born</i> with their faces lifted.
%
They say hard work never killed anybody.
But I'm not about to take that risk!
%
The Rio Grande is so shallow the lifeguards just need to know how to wade.
%
I know of a topless lady ventriloquist.
Nobody has ever seen her lips move.
%
It only rained twice last week.
Once for 3 days, and once for 4 days.
%
If you want to test your memory,
try remembering the things that worried you yesterday.
%
A lot of cold waves come out of Canada.
Shouldn't we weatherstrip the border?
%
I once played hooky from school.
My teacher sent me a nice Thank-You note.
%
After they stopped cigarette advertising, my TV set put on thirty pounds.
%
As a kid I used to see double feature movies for a dollar.
Now I have a $700 TV and what do I see?The same movies!
%
Computers are educational.
It sent my repairman's son to college.
%
I know exactly they day I gave up jogging.
It's right there on my birth certificate.
%
I jog rather slowly.
Yesterday I was arrested for loitering.
%
I have property in Honolulu.
The airport there has two of my suitcases.
%
I'm so hungry I could eat a horse!
Well, then, you've come to the right place.
%
If you want to make a living, you have to work for it.
If you want to get rich, you have to find another way.
%
A communist is somebody that has nothing and wants to share it with you.
%
My school was tough!
The debating team took steroids.
%
My school was so bad that many parents went to the PTA meetings using assumed names.
%
When I was your age I could name all the Presidents in order.
Dad, when you were my age there had only been a few Presidents.
%
I met a naval surgeon the other day.
They really specialize nowadays, don't they?
%
I hate taxes! Every time my ship comes in, the government unloads it.
%
When all you have is a hammer, all problems become nails.
%
I enjoy jogging.
Except for the part after you put on your sneakers.
%
Waiter! There's a fly in my soup.
All right, I'll bring you a fork.
%
Half the lies they tell about me aren't true.
%
I wouldn't believe him if he swore he was lying.
%
Q, "Are you sure I have the wrong number?"
A, "Have I ever lied to you before?"
%
Money can't buy happiness, but it makes misery more comfortable.
%
My doctor gave me a strong laxative.
Now I'm sitting pretty.
%
I have a photographic memory.
But I often forget to take off the lens cap.
%
I only have one book in my library, but it's in alphabetical order.
%
My hometown was struck by a major storm.
It resulted in ten million dollars of improvements.
%
I went to a wedding at a nudist colony.
You could tell who was the best man.
%
Lucky is the man whose secretary's lipstick is the same color as his wife's.
%
Waiter, what's this fly doing in my soup?
He seems to be doing the backstroke.
%
I took a vacation to forget everything.
When I opened my luggage, I'd forgotten everything!
%
A jury is a group of 12 that decide which side has the better lawyer.
%
A very rich couple got divorced and their lawyers lived happily ever after.
%
A lawyer is someone who prevents somebody else from getting your money.
%
A high school classmate went on to reform school on a full scholarship.
%
My landlord asks a lot for the rent.
Five times last month!
%
I went on a crash diet.
Now I look like a wreck!
%
Two little rabbits were excited to go to school.
The teacher was gong to teach multiplication.
%
If you think old soldiers just fade away,
you ought to try and put on your old uniform.
%
A good artist draws the line somewhere.
%
Did you ever wonder why wrong numbers are never busy?
%
Miracle drugs do what they're intended for.
They keep you alive until you pay the bill.
%
A lot of couples break up because it looks like the marriage will last forever.
%
I don't believe in ghosts.
I can see right through them!
%
I like playing golf.
I get to hit the ball more than anyone else.
%
Yesterday I missed a hole in one by six strokes.
%
Jealousy is when you have poison envy.
%
I go out on a lot of job interviews.
My resume is in its fourth printing.
%
Wind a gossip up and they'll run somebody down.
%
Be grateful for the invention of the TV.
Elsewise you'd be stuck with frozen radio dinners.
%
To err is human.&ensp;To shrug is Civil Service.
%
Money can't buy you happiness.
But it can help you look for it in more places.
%
I've taken a lot of antibiotics lately.
When I sneeze, I cure all those around me.
%
My home town didn't have a village idiot.
We all had to take turns.
%
My girlfriend is a waitress in an insane asylum,
She serves soup to nuts.
%
I spent two years in an asylum.
I was crazy about the place.
%
Astronauts never get athlete's foot.
They suffer from missile toe.
%
It was so cold yesterday that I saw two lawyers --
each with his hands in his own pockets.
%
My husband writes fiction.
<i>My</i> husband speaks it.
%
I lost control of my car.
I couldn't keep up with the payments.
%
Some of the new mini-cars stop on a dime.
They can't get over it.
%
What the world really needs is a windshield wiper that won't hold parking tickets.
%
I just burned a one hundred dollar bill.
It's easier to burn them than pay them.
%
Times are bad when counterfeiters start making pennies.
%
Whatever you say about baldness, it's always neat.
%
If bankers can count, why do they have ten windows and two cashiers?
%
Our local bar employs a midget to make the drinks look larger.
%
Our baseball team is so bad the pitching machine threw a no-hitter.
%
A bigamist is a man that makes the same mistake twice at the same time.
%
My last birthday cake looked like a prairie fire.
%
It was real windy the other day.
One hen laid the same egg six times.
%
My hometown is so healthy we had to shot someone to start a cemetery.
%
There's now a headache pill for masochists.
It won't come out of the bottle.
%
I've written my memoirs except for that one incident
that was redacted as part of a plea bargain.
%
I have a brother with the FBI.
They caught him in Florida.
%
My girl friend was lost at sea.
She ran off with the cruise director.
%
I'd say something clever about apathy.
But, what's the point?
%
Nothing's more expensive than a girl who is free for the evening.
%
A company sent me notice that my bill was a year old.
I sent them a birthday card.
%
I was evicted from both my apartment and my office.
It was the evil of two lessors.
%
I guess I overcooked the alphabet soup.
I received reports of hard consonants.
%
You'll know when the end of the world is due.
All the Use By ... dates will be the same.
%
They just raised the price of poetry and logic books.
I could hardy see the rhyme or reason.
%
You needn't brush all your teeth.
Just the ones you want to keep.
%
Periscopes use mirrors.
Therefore, submarines cannot see vampires.
%
Not only am I going nowhere fast,
I also know a shortcut.
%
I called Dial-A-Prayer. It was a disconnected number.
%
I didn't lose my last job. I know where it is.
But, every time I go there, someone else is doing it.
%
It's not so much that life passes me by.
I just wish it would stop throwing things.
%
I'm not indecisive.
I just incorporate multiple viewpoints.
%
Save the last of the alphabet soup for me.
I always like to have the last word.
%
They recalled my car.
There was a defect in the payments.
%
Women won't date me because of my skin condition.
It's the way it's shaped.
%
My duck call seems to be defective.
Either that, or the ducks have caller id.
%
My wife's half of our joint account is overdrawn.
%
Me, "Nice car. She's a real beauty."
Uber driver, "Did you just assume my car's gender?!"
%
Every problem can be solved, except maybe refolding a road map.
%
I was just turned away at the loan company.
Seems I'm on a need-to-no list.
%
I just interviewed to be a census taker.
Should be a slam dunk. I'm always ticking people off.
%
You would be grumpy, too, if you woke up and found yourself at work.
%
Just now started on my second million.
I gave up on the first.
%
Why doesn't my left knee ache like the right?
They're both the same age.
%
Nothing is finished until the paperwork is done.
%
One half large intestine = 1 Semicolon
%
The doctor gave me 3 months to live, but not consecutively.
%
They banned me from the gym for taking the weights home.
"Free weights", my ass!
%
My sister adopted a pet Capuchin.
I guess that makes me a monkey's uncle!
%
It's not an optical illusion, it just looks like one.
-- Phil White
%
If I have not seen as far as others,
it is because giants were standing on my shoulders.
%
Don't tell me I'm burning the candle at both ends.
Tell me where to get more wax!!
%
A survey asked, How many people work in your company?
The CEO replied, About half of them!
%
In the future, you'll find computers as prizes in breakfast cereals.
You'll toss them because your house will be littered with'em.
%
The farmers' market now has some security.
Yep. There was a beet cop near one of the tables.
%
A guy showed up at the zoo with a truck-load of animals,
He exclaimed, "I've got gnus for you!"
%
When a priest does something wrong, it's a clerical error.
%
Doctor, "Where does it hurt?"
Me, "At work ... It hurts at work."
%
Second Place is the first loser.
%
The joke's on the chick at the bar who gave me the radio station's phone number.
I just won Denver Bronco tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
%
I am at the age where I think everyone my age looks 10 years older than me.
%
Your brain operates 24/7 from the day you are born..
It only stops when you're taking an exam or talking to an attractive person.
%
My wife stepped on the scales and let out a scream of joy.
Seems the scale is broken.
%
I ate the entire box of oyster crackers.
Never did find the pearl.
%
Old teachers never die.
They just go on with no class.
%
If people really could die of boredom,
my brother-in-law would have me on life support.
%
I was surprised when the waiter said he had the wine list memorized.
Yup.&emsp;Red or White.
%
I accused my brother-in-law of playing dumb.
He said he wasn't playing.&ensp; Game. Set. Match.
%
"Aging" is the only malady you worry about suddenly <b>not</b> having.
%
My new face cream is supposed to make me look 5 years younger.
Too bad they are not 'dog years'!
%
I hate to see my loved ones leave home.
I also miss my fives, tens, and twenties.
%
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the highway.
Amazingly, there was no congestion for eight hours.
%
I've signed up for a Russian streaming service.
It's called Nyetflix.
%
Movies... just not the ones I want to watch.
I call it Notflix.
%
Actually, it's pronounced "jaslight".
You've been saying it wrong the whole time.
%
Supposedly the side affects our unproper grammer and pour speling.
I is fine sew far.
%
The chemical formula for water is HIJKLMNO.
It's H to O.
%
Yoda's last name was Layheehoo.
%
According to my BMI number, I'm too short.
%
"Bisons", remarked the Buffalo as his boys were leaving.
%
I came from a really cold-hearted family.
Both my sister and I had "Do Not Resuscitate" tattoos.
%
My friend David had his ID stolen.
Now he's just Dav.
%
My wife bought me the book Kama Sutra.
It's really put me in an awkward position.
%
If Korean pop is kpop, then Chinese rap is crap.
%
Ehh, good enough.
-- Mediocrates
%
Education is important but other stuff is more importanter.
%
After <b>M</b>onday and <b>T</b>uesday, the rest of the week just goes <b>WTF!</b>
%
Germany is now advising citizens to stock up on cheese and sausages.
This is called the Wurst Käse scenario.
%
Where do cats go to have fun?
A Mewsment park.
%
I have a bad attitude.
When I was a kid, I wore Lex Luthor underwear.
%
A cheese factory exploded in France.
There was nothing left but de Brie.
%
I put my grandma on speed dial the other day.
I call it insta-gram.
%
I believe there are real ghosts and goblins.
I always see more trick-or-treaters than neighborhood kids.
%
<b>hippopotomonstrosesquipedaliophobia</b> (N.): Fear of long words
%
Why does Filipino start with an F and Philippines start with Ph?
%
Becoming a flat-earther has really widened my horizons.
%
My hometown is so small we bought our fire equipment from Water Pik!
%
My hometown was so small the Baskin-Robbins only had 2 flavors.
%
I'm writing a book about the things I should've done in life.
It's an ought-to-biography.
%
Never the [<b>UNDO</b>] button. Never the [<b>REDO</b>] button.
I always seem to hit the [<b>DEEP DOO-DOO</b>] button.
%
I found out that if you garden while naked,
your neighbors will build you a free privacy fence.
%
A friend keeps sending me the same animated image.
He's a serious re-gif-ter.
%
WARNING: This joke starts off with a couple of N words...
Nock! Nock! . . .
%
There's rumors of a Facebook and TikTok merger.
The new company name? TikFace
%
I was asked what IDEK stood for.
Hell, I don't even know.
%
ACRONYM: is an acronym that stands for <b>A C</b>ompletely <b>R</b>idiculous <b>O</b>bsolete <b>N</b>oun <b>Y</b>ou'll <b>M</b>isspell.
%
I was going to prepare alligator for dinner.
But I realized I only had a croc pot.
%
I entered my symptoms in WebMD
and it turns out I just have kids.
%
Verbing weirds language.
%
Misspell one word and the whole text is urined.
%
You can make a quote seem authoritative by
attributing it to a famous person. -- Sun Tzu
%
My d mn k yb rd h s l st ts v w ls.
%
The worst thing about censorship is <span style=background-color: black;>&emsp;&emsp;&emsp;&emsp;&emsp;</span>
%
A wife in church says to her husband, I'm silently breaking wind.
Tell me, what should I do? &emsp; Change your hearing aid batteries.
%
Most everyone has heard of the Hawaiian, Don Ho.
But did you know about his brothers Gung, Land, and Hy?
%
Aboard the ship Santa Maria, 23% of the crew were named Juan.
That's pretty much a four to juan ratio.
%
You are caller number <font size=+2>&infin;</font>.
%
We were told we couldn't have children.
C'mon! What does our landlord know?
%
I was forced to use the porta-potty at the company picnic.
Now I have PTSD -- Portable Toilet Stress Disorder.
%
I was just informed that pickles have no involvement with pickleball.
Now I suppose someone will disabuse me vis-à-vis cornhole.
%
I've been out looking for a single apartment.
If I wanted to live with someone, it'd be a togetherment.
%
I often ask for a <u>2nd</u> Chinese fortune cookie.
I want to have a second opinion.
%
Gave him a GREATEST BOSS OF ALL TIME coffee cup.
Little did he know it was a gag gift.
%
<b>Bozone</b> (N.): The substance surrounding stupid people preventing enlightenment
%
<b>Giraffiti</b> (N.): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high
%
<b>Sarchasm</b> (N.): The gulf between one with sarcastic wit and one who doesn't get it
%
<b>Inoculatte</b> (V.): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late
%
<b>Hipatitis</b> (N.): Terminal coolness
%
<b>Karmageddon</b> (N.): It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes
%
<b>Decafalon</b> (N.): Slogging through the day consuming only things that are good for you
%
<b>Glibido</b> (V.): All talk and no action
%
Maybe I've been binge watching CSI too much.
I've started wiping my fingerprints off the remote.
%
<b>Dopeler Effect</b> (N.): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly
%
<b>Willy-nilly</b> (Adj.), impotent
%
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
%
<b>Sillicone</b> (N.), Embarrassing device a dog wears to prevent licking his wound
%
If that's the only mop I'll ever need;
why is Ronco trying to sell me a 2nd one?
%
I over fertilized the lawn and it burned up.
I'm a regular Marquis de Sod.
%
I was in a spelling bee once.
I lost because the others cheeted.
%
Maybe it's Maybelline... and maybe it's Photoshop.
%
My girlfriend has a perfect belly button and a German sports car.
She has both an innie and an Audi.
%
<b>Flambouyant</b> (Adj.): To act flashy or showy in the water.
%
The Scottish defendant heard the decision on his flashing charge.
He was found not kilty.
%
My dog is a mix -- part Bulldog and part Shih Tzu.
The breed has an interesting name.
%
My ADHD has gotten so severe, it's now AD4K.
%
Spelling pterodactyl with a pt.
Ptotally ptacky.
%
Ancient mathematicians could not keep their numbers straight.
They were using romin' numerals.
%
A friend searches out and collects old parking meters.
Calls himself a meterologist.
%
When cryptography is outlawed, only outlaws will xtsertzu+o a$df#hjk pyx>bnml.
%
<b>Aibohphobia</b> [N.) The irrational fear of palindromes.
%
<b>Ambulophobia</b> [N.) The irrational fear being struck by an ambulance.
%
The word nothing is a palindrome.
Backwards it spells gnihton, which also means nothing.
%
I call my toilet the jim, instead of the john.
Then I tell everyone, I go to the jim first thing in the morning.
%
I spent 6 hours watching dance videos on TikTok.
There's a reason they call it Tick Tock.
%
Apparently RSVP'ing a wedding invite maybe next time isn't the proper response.
%
I really enjoy baked beans.
I'll never have a satisfactory ESG score.
%
Casual Friday does <b>not</b> mean Crocs and no socks.
%
An optimist sees bubbles and thinks, Champagne!
A pessimist thinks, Alka-Seltzer.
%
<b>WILLOUGHBY'S LAW</b>
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.
%
<b>ZADRA'S LAW OF BIOMECHANICS</b>
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
%
My pet snake is exactly 3.14 yards long.
He's a <b>&pi;</b>thon.
%
The break room vending machine is often snafu.
We refer to it as being coiniverous.
%
If you haven't eaten since you last flossed, you need not do it again.
At least, that's my flossophy.
%
Someday I might be in some Hall Of Fame.
But, there'll be an&thinsp; <b>*</b>&thinsp; after my name.
%
Debating with anti-vaxers is like trying to play chess with a pigeon.
It knocks the pieces over, craps on the board, and flies back to its flock to claim victory.
%
I am a proud anti-vax mother, flat-earther, science denier,
Trump enthusiast and know for a fact climate change isn't real.
[There's no punchline; you've already read the joke.]
%
¡ʇsıןsıɐɹɔ ɟɟo ʎnq ןן'ı ʇǝןqɐʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
%
<span style=display: inline-block; transform: scale(-1, 1);>I'll never again buy a laptop on eBay.</span>
%
I would not call myself a socialist.
But I am&thinsp; <span style=display: inline-block; transform: skew(30deg, 0deg);>left leaning</span>&thinsp;.
%
Latin in Law School was my downfall.
I had to get away from et al.
%
My career is in the movie industry.
I sell popcorn at the Cineplex.
%
It took me 5 years, but I graduated magna cum lucky.
%
I don't have any superstitions.
Just ordinary stitions.
%
Rechtsschutzversicherungsgesellschaften and Grundstücksverkehrsgenehmigungszuständigkeitsübertragungsverordnung
Why Germans don't play scrabble.
%
Not to brag, but I have sychic powers.
Example, right now you're thinking, "It's <b>psychic</b>, you idiot!"
%
<b>APPNESIA</b> (N.), Not knowing what half your phone apps are for
%
They've updated the U.S. citizenship test.
One new question is, Name all the Kardashians.
%
His buttal was so stupid, I felt no need for a rebuttal.
%
I had my gym membership revoked.
They found Krispy Kremes in my gym bag.
%
My anger used to make me a ticking time bomb.
Now, with social media, I'm a TikToking time bomb.
%
I learned of my firing in the company newsletter.
I had been named Unemployee Of The Month.
%
To continue in English, Press 1.
To continue in pig Latin, Ess-Pray OO-TAY.
%
There's a lot of data on probiotics but very little on conbiotics.
%
I visited a coffee shop where the Wifi password was wedonthavewifi.
It was a very frustrating conversation with the cashier.
%
I'm informed that the problem is my demeanor ... my <u>mis</u>demeanor.
%
The breakfast cereal of sound engineers: Sound Chex
%
I finally came up with a password I can remember.
iforgotmypassword
%
Be careful what you write.
Remember: the E in EMAIL stands for <b>E</b>ternal.
%
We have a new diner in town -- The Repo Cafe.
The specialty is their Seizure Salad.
%
I have no place to go, and nothing to do.
So here I am and doin' it.
%
Pride cometh before a fall.
Aftereth come the paramedics.
%
Proper garden maintenance is key to a good harvest.
Weed'em and reap.
%
If tomb is pronounced "TOOM" and womb is pronounced "WOOM".
Shouldn't bomb be pronounced <b>"BOOM"</b>?
%
I'm a very fast typist: Ghvgt vhsuyu jod ng4her zdtyr.
I said fast -- not good.
%
Absolutum obsoletum – if it works, it's out of date.
%
In television, who lived in Doodyville?
The Ty-De-Bowl Man.
%
When life hands you pineapples,
make Pi&ntilde;a Coladas.
%
My therapist of 8 years said something that brought tears to my eyes.
He said, No hablo Inglés.
%
I have to work out like a tri-athlete just to maintain chubby.
%
Someone told my mother-in-law that <b>WTF</b> means <b>W</b>ow, <b>T</b>hat's <b>F</b>antastic!
Her texts are so much more fun now.
%
The time between slipping on the peel and
landing on your ass is precisely 1 bananosecond.
%
I'm not good with Roman Numerals.
So when asked what 3,000 was, my response was, mmm...
%
If you torture the data long enough, it will confess to anything.
-- Ronald Coase
%
I guess my first clue should've been it was <span style=border-bottom: solid blue 2px;>www.caveat-emptor.com</span>
%
To be is to do.&nbsp;&nbsp;-- I. Kant
To do is to be.&nbsp;&nbsp;-- A. Sartre
Yabba-Dabba-Doo!&nbsp;&nbsp; -- F. Flintstone
%
A Russian can reach a BAC of 0.8 ... after two days of not drinking.
%
I got an EZ-Pass so I can travel without stopping to pay tolls.
If only there was an EZ-Pass for life's travels.
%
They fired me for my poor spelling.
I think that's unfare.
%
I'm thinking of joining The Church of the Arbitrarians.
If they had any commandments, they'd be in random order.
%
We have a new psychic reader in town.
Her name is Claire Voyince.
%
I know I shalt not, but ... I shalted.
%
This has been the mondayest Monday ever.
%
Funny, I always thought Cap'n Crunch reported directly to General Foods.
%
How do I convert pounds to instagrams?
%
SIC EGO DIXI VOBUS
After the wedding I learned her family motto meant I Told You So.
%
Strange. I get no takers on CraigsList for my John O'Lanterns.
%
I customized my nutrition plan to suit my special dietary needs.
I'm on a high-carb version of a low-carb diet.
%
ILLEGITIMI NON CARBORUNDUM
%
Limericks are art forms complex,
Their topics run chiefly to sex.
&emsp;&emsp;They usually have virgins,
&emsp;&emsp;And masculine urgin's,
And other erotic effects.
%
Researchers at HHMI's Janelia Research Campus have found that rats posses an imagination.
Well ... not the one I work for!
%
The computing field is always in need of new cliches.
-- Alan Perlis
%
Except for 75% of the women, everyone in the whole world wants to have sex.
-- Ellyn Mustard
%
Under any conditions, anywhere, whatever you are doing,
there is some ordinance under which you can be booked.
-- Robert D. Sprecht
%
Nobody can be exactly like me.
Even I have trouble doing it.
-- Tallulah Bankhead
%
Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
-- Groucho Marx
%
Anything anybody can say about America is true.
-- Emmett Grogan
%
Life is wasted on the living.
-- Zaphod Beeblebrox IV
Youth is wasted on the young.
-- George Bernard Shaw
%
Math is like love -- a simple idea but it can get complicated.
-- R. Drabek
%
Work smarter, not harder, and be careful of your speling.
%
1 Word = 1 Millipicture
%
I asked a musician to list her 10 least-favorite works.
"I really don't like Liszt's."
%
My wife's 'Kitchen Klub' named her Cook of the Year.
I have a hard time swallowing that.
%
A woman was in love with fourteen soldiers.
It was clearly platoonic.
%
I photographed a broken shelf bracket for warranty purposes.
It was a shelfie.
%
My wife really loves deviled eggs.
Me? I'm sort of eggnostic.
%
I was in an Apple store that got robbed.
The police detained me as an iWitness.
%
Mater artium necessitas. [Necessity is the mother of invention].
%
Parkinson's Law: Work expands to fill the time alloted to it.
%
Now and then I'll mispel a word in these quips.
That-a-way you know it ain't written by AI.
%
Big snow storm yesterday.
I believe 'Cul-de-Sac' means "Last To Be Plowed" in French.
%
The D in CONGRESS stands for <b>D</b>ecency.
%
The D in CONGRESS stands for <b>D</b>iscipline.
%
The H in CONGRESS stands for <b>H</b>onesty.
%
The H in CONGRESS stands for <b>H</b>onour.
%
The H in CONGRESS stands for <b>H</b>umility.
%
The I in CONGRESS stands for <b>I</b>ntelligence.
%
The I in CONGRESS stands for <b>I</b>ntegrity.
%
The I in CONGRESS stands for <b>I</b>nclusive.
%
The T in CONGRESS stands for <b>T</b>ruth.
%
The T in CONGRESS stands for <b>T</b>rustworthy.
%
The V in CONGRESS stands for <b>V</b>irtue.
%
The W in CONGRESS stands for <b>W</b>isdom.
%
Eating at your desk is considered "Al Desko".
%
Science Deniers have their own Periodic Table.
It contains one element:&emsp; Balonium
%
Forgive me father, pastor, vicar, padre, priest,
for I have synonymed.
%
There a lot about a colonoscopy to dislike.
More so than the Roto-Rooter, I detest the Liquid-Plumr.
%
x = ( −b &plusmn; &radic;(b&sup2; -4ac) )&thinsp;/&thinsp;2a
But I don't want to bore you with my problems.
%
My mathematician friend became a father and had twin boys.
One was named Steven and the other Stodd.
%
My sister gave birth to twin daughters.
My brother-in-law named one Kate and the other Duplikate.
%
Vincent Van Gogh had two siblings;
A dance teacher brother, Tang Gogh. And a sister with dizzy spells, Verti Gogh.
%
It's been over sixty years now.
Why hasn't Cap'n Crunch been promoted?
%
Whatever you want is going to cost a little more than it is worth.
-- The 2nd Law Of Thermoeconomics
%
Sugar is the only word where 'su' makes a 'sh' sound.
At least, I'm pretty sure that's right.
%
To instill a sense of reality, Disney should have a Hardluckland.
%
My wife had twins while I was away and her brother named them.
He named the girl Denise and the boy Denephew.
%
<b>SPAMNESIA</b> (N.), Being unable to identify the meat in your burger
%
We had a fine funeral for Kinko The Clown.
There wasn't a dry flower squirter in the house.
%
I only drink on days starting with the letter "T".
Tuesday, Thursday, today, tomorrow, Thaturday , and Thunday.
%
F u cn rd ths u cnt spl wrth a dm ethr!
%
A celebrity is someone who is known for their well-knownness.
%
I'm <s>halfing</s> having one of <s>thoze</s> those <s>daze</s> days when <s>nothign</s> nothing goes <s>rite</s> right.
%
Worried I am.
My doctor said, "I'm referring you to some kind of ologist."
%
I once was a programmer at Autocorrect.
They fried me for no raeson.
%
Ms Nomer?
I hardly knew her!
%
My idiot brother-in-law just got an appropriate tattoo:
<font face="Comic Sans MS , cursive"><b>&emsp;NO RAGRETS</b></font>
%
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.
%
I can play Badminton.&emsp;I'm training for Betterminton.
%
sigh... I don't feel like "adulting" today.
%
Killer whales have recently started attacking boats.
The Coast Guard thinks it's orcanized crime.
%
Two wrights don't make a rong; they make an airplane. Or bicycles.
%
<b>Destinesia</b> (N.), When you get where you want to be, but can't remember why
%
Basic unit of Laryngitis = The Hoarsepower
%
The faster I go, the behinder I get.
%
1000 beers served at a Twins game = 1 Killibrew
%
How many MAGAs does it take to change a light bulb?
None. Donald says it's not a problem and they all cheer in the dark.
%
8 Catfish = 1 Octo-puss
%
Got some junk mail from an insurance company.
They provide coverage for "errrors and omis sions".
%
Everyone in the family has a skill.
I'm the hunter, she's the gatherer, and the kid is a gamer &amp; texter.
%
Wo rd s&ensp;W or ds&ensp;W o rd s&ensp;W o r ds
Apologies. I'm not normally one to mince words.
%
Names used to describe one's occupation -- baker, clark, carpenter.
I wonder if anyone was named Peter Proctologist?
%
Amazon just delivered my DIY tailoring kit.
It's called SuitYourSelf.
%
MyWifeToldMeIShouldTryTheSpaceBar.
IDon'tRecommendIt,TheDrinksAren'tReallyThatGood.
%
Amazon just delivered my DIY surgery kit.
It's called SutureSelf.
%
One of my meds say "TAKE ON AN EMPTY STOMACH".
Like that's ever going to happen.
%
Homeowner's Association: The collective noun for a group of Karens.
%
I ran into my ol' kindergarten teacher.
She observed that I've put on about 100 lbs.
%
I once dated a girl with a wooden leg, but no longer.
I broke it off. &ensp;I understand she now works at <b>IHOP</b>.
%
I'm a rocket engineer for SpaceX.
And yet I cannot install a baby's car seat!
%
Enter new password.&emsp; chicken
Password must contain at least one capital.&emsp; chickenKiev
%
The university's Dept Of Philosophy always had great Why-Fi.
%
Blind people don't bungee jump.
Because it scares the bee-gee-zuz out of their dogs.
%
I once knew a Scottish dentist named Phil McKavity.
%
I identify as Sarcastic.
My pronouns are Har/Har.
%
I have a pet donkey.
The personal pronouns are hee/haw.
%
Isn't it ironic that the fear of long words is called:
Hippopotomonstrosesquipedaliophobia &ensp;?
%
You're no doubt familiar with alphabet soup.
Well, get ready for <font face="Times New Roman" size="4">times new ramen</font>.
%
My wife just gave birth to twins -- one boy &amp; one girl.
We named them "John" and "Latrine."
%
Learning to drive a manual car can be tough at first.
But, stick with it -- eventually it becomes automatic.
%
I'm off to see my doctor for my annual physical.
Or, as she likes to say, my premortem exam.
%
Paperweight is an alternate name for boxing's flyweight class.
I wanted to watch a match, but it's only on paperview.
%
I had it rough in high school.
Lots of bouts of examnesia.
%
"What's your name? We don't hire many guys from Yale."
"Yerry Yackson"
%
My brother-in-law is a hardcore red neck.
His pronouns are Hee/Haw.
%
I named my pet termite "Clint".
Clint Eatswood.
%
I changed my car's GPS voice to Obi Wan Kenobi.
Now it says, "These aren't the roads you're looking for."
%
<b>Rumortism</b> (N.), When someone believes the wacky conspiracy theories posted online
%
<b>Apostrophobia</b> (N.), The fear of contractions
%
My mother-in-law's toaster has two settings: "BURNT" and "BURNTER"
%
The inventor of the Light-Emitting Diode is a <b>led</b>gend.
%
We all know Count Doku from Star Wars.
But his wife Sue? She's quite a puzzle.
%
<b>Morticia's Mortuary</b>&ensp;"Thinking inside the box since 1954"
%
<b>Morticia's Mortuary</b>&ensp;"Where all men and women are cremated equally"
%
You can hear the blood running through your veins --- if you listen varicosely.
%
I'm an amateur crastinator.
I might go pro next year&emsp; ...or maybe not.
%
She says we'll visit her parents on our vacation.
I prefer to call it an <i><u>obli</u>cation.</i>
%
My new password requires 8 characters and a capital.
'MickeyMinnieGoofyDonaldPlutoHueyLouieDeweyDjibouti'
%
I'm fluent in two languages --- not to ag-bray.
%
I'm investing in stocks. Beef, chicken, vegetable...
I hope to become a bouillonaire.
%
The salesperson claimed the shoes were made from alligator.
But I knew it was a croc.
%
I have CDO. It's like OCD, but with the letters in correct alphabetical order.
%
'Tis the season to rejoice!!
Unless you never joiced in the first place.
%
She said she'll slam my head into the keyboard if I don't get off the computer.
I think she's just jokinsdnbfjadskbngfsjkgbsafgfsgadfgdfgdf
%
<b>Jiu-jitsu</b> (N.) The gentle art of folding clothes while people are still wearing them
%
The local coffee shop is always crowded with folks staring at their phones.
I guess you'd say it has great "zombie-ance".
%
Choose cremation.
You urned it.
%
Today's forecast: rane, thundur, and litenin.
It's a bad spell of weather.
%
One of the Top Ten Richest Chinese is named Cha Ching.
%
Being a grandpa is really weird. Baby mispronounces a word,
and suddenly your name is "peepo" until you die.
%
A poem about ladies lingerie:
Roses are red.&ensp;Violets are blue.&ensp;Marys are green.
%
My mom prescribed the oldest pain relief even known.
It was called Suckitup.
%
To fit more people in your Subaru, just put it in reverse.
When you do that, ur a bus.
%
Around this house ASAP means
"<b>A</b>fter <b>S</b>eptember, <b>A</b>ugust <b>P</b>ossibly"
%
My gym locker has an easy-to-remember combination: 1234.
It's the year Ögedei Khan's Mongol army captured the Jin dynasty's capital at Caizhou.
%
(&ensp;why did you ignore my earlier texts?&ensp;)
[&ensp;i dinna i just dinna know where my fone was&ensp;]
%
"Facts are stupid things." -- President Ronald Reagan
"Sean Spicer, gave alternative facts ..." -- Kellyanne Conway - Pres. Trump's counselor
%
<b>Petrol-glyphs</b> (N.), British gas station graffiti
%
There was Round Table knight that gave up: Sir Render.
%
One of King Arthur's knights never returned from the Holy Wars: Sir Cophagus.
%
King Arthur's artist-in-residence was Sir Realism.
%
King Arthur's Round Table BBQs were organized by Sir Loin.
%
King Arthur's butcher was also a knight: Sir Loin
%
King Arthur's palace electrician was Sir Kit Braker.
%
One knight always showed up at just the right time in a battle: Sir Prise.
%
King Arthur's designer for the Round Table was Sir Cumference.
%
King Arthur's castle pottery was designed by Sir Ramic.
%
King Arthur had one alcoholis knight: Sir Rhosis of the Liver.
%
King Arthur's most dependable knight was Sir Cadian.
%
King Arthur's minor grievances were handled by Sir Cumvent.
%
King Arthur's security office was managed by Sir Valence.
%
One of King Arthur's knights was always given to speculation: Sir Mise.
%
One of King Arthur's knights was highly qualified: Sir Tificate.
%
One of King Arthur's knights was always so cock sure: Sir Tain.
%
One of King Arthur's knights vaccinated the others: Sir Ringe.
%
He may be one of King Arthur's knights: Sir Cumstantial.
%
One of King Arthur's knights was Jewish: Sir Cumscise.
%
One of King Arthur's knights was a proctologist: Sir Pository.
%
One of King Arthur's knights never fell in battle: Sir Vivor.
%
One knight that failed to rejoin The Round Table was Sir Ender.
%
One of King Arthur's knights was unexpected: Sir Prise.
%
One of King Arthur's knights was always rude: Sir Lee.
%
One of King Arthur's redundant knights: Sir Plus.
%
Bruce Lee had a vegan brother named Brocco.
%
Today I ain't doing nuthin,
and I ain't even gonna start that 'til noon.
%
This year's Irish National Pinball Champion is Rick O'Shea.
%
A local pharmacist retired after 33 years.
In a ceremony he was honored as a Piller Of The Community.
%
Actually it's pronounced "jaslight".
You've been saying wrong the whole time.
%
My Russian Uber driver's name was Pikup Andropov.
%
Has anyone else used WD 40 to get rid of mice?
It doesn't kill them, but it does stop them from squeaking.
%
My local bar serves Pr&ucirc;na Coladas for us seniors.
%
My twins are named Juan and Amal, but I only carry one photo with me.
Because, if you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal.
%
Writing a haiku
Is not hard, just stop
At the seventeenth sylla...
%
Libraries are where "SHHH" happens.
%
At one time, Mount Rushmore's beauty was un-presidented.
%
In England "booster shot" is spelled "borchestershire shot".
%
Sure, sometimes I question my parenting.
And, sometimes, I question my child's childing.
%
Did you know "emas eht yltcaxe" is exactly the same backwards?
%
I just got an update for my iWatch.
Now it blinks.
%
Coffee helps you get out there and face the day.
Just sayin' --- You might want to reconsider...
%
I wonder if the person who invented Tic-Tacs made a mint.
%
I was using an old paper map, and now I'm lost in the "spoom".
%
Somebody who routinely uses only 1% of their brain is a centimental fool.
%
I'm not afraid of flying <i>per se</i>.
I'm afraid of long lines, hidden fees, irrational security, &amp; unexplained delays.
%
In Boston the letter "R" is unused for the most paht.
%
I'm bad at reading minds. I'm telepathetic.
%
I shenaned once. And I'm pretty sure I'll shenanigan.
%
Chewbacca wrecked on his first training flight.
He made a Wookie mistake.
%
Extravaganza!&ensp;When regular vaganza just isn't enough.
%
Bruce Lee had a very stern brother named Cerius.
%
"The untweeted life is not worth living."
%
The water feature in our town square has been dry for years.
It's a fountain't.
%
The two 'e's in 'bee' are actually silent.
%
Tonight we're having Himalayan rabbit stew for dinner.
We found himalayan on the road.
%
The new motel caters to the older crowd.
They include an Incontinental Breakfast.
%
Why can't we just spell it "brockly?
%
To type on your phone with both thumbs makes you ambitextrous.
%
It's no longer called "Box Wine".
The classy term is "Cardboardeaux".
%
I'm reading a book called: "Noisy Nights" by Constance Noring.
%
<b>Nillionaire</b> (N.), Someone having little or no money
%
I dont reall'y understand, grammar.
I just sprinkle punctua-tion a_round @ hope for the best.
%
My H.S. yearbook claimed I was most likely to be the INVALIDictorian.
%
Yes, I stay hydrated. Carbohydrated.
%
My mother-in-law's best friend is Mogen David.
%
<b>Monday</b> (N.), First day of the week.  See also <b>ARRRRGGGHHHH</b>
%
My nutritionist tells me to avoid GMO, MSG, HPF, BHA, BHT, HFCS, and ADA.
But...&ensp;I really love alphabet soup.
%
Many folks will write "Congrats" because they can't spell congrajulashins.
%
Just sayin'; Nobody has enough friends to plant garden zucchini.
%
The thieves were arrested in an art gallery heist that went awry.
They didn't have enough monet to buy degas to make the van gogh.
%
Gideon Sundback invented the zipper in 1906.
Which makes him Lord of The Flies.
%
I bought a Star Wars cookbook.
Tried the Wookie Special. It was kinda Chewy.
%
There are different protocols for bird flu and swine flu.
One requires tweetment and the other an oinkment.
%
<b>Testy-mony</b> (N.), What the court can expect from a hostile witness
%
I have a friend that worships certain shades of blue.
He's a cyantologist.
%
Today's forecast: rane, hale, gails, thundor, litening, and possible torenadoes.
It’s going to be a really bad spell of whether.
%
Shawn: <i>yawns</i>, "I'm tired."
Shaun: <i>yauns</i>, "Me. too."
Sean: <i>yeans</i>, "and me."
%
He doesn't just monopolize the conversation.
He monotonizes it.
%
I think my website needs a URLologist.
%
If you ever let someone shenan once, they will shenanigan.
%
<b>ROMO</B> (Acronym), Relief Of Missing Out
%
There was a spider on top of my keyboard.
But he's under &lt;CONTROL&gt; now...
%
My posting, "Does anyone else feel like their being watched?"
NSA popup, &lt;They're&gt;
%
<b>Labracadabrador</b> (N.) A support dog for magicians.
%
Why weren't "dentures" called "substitooths", instead?
%
<b>Unkeybordinated</b> (adj.), Unable to type without copious mistakes.
%
Instead of "LOL", my mom will text "OTAH".
Oh That's A Hoot.
%
The inventor of the throat lozenge died last month.
There'll be no coffin at her funeral. Burial will be at a Sucret location.
%
My wife won the county fair cheese shredding competition.
She's simply the Gratest!
%
The couple that own the town's only pastry shop are getting divorced.
They can't agree on custardy arrangements.
%
Some Mondays turn out to be Mondayier than others!
%
My service club puts on a local festival in October.
We have Tofuwurst and alcohol-free beer. It's Mocktober Fest.
%
My kids text me "plz", which is shorter than "please".
I text back "no", which is shorter than "yes".
%
Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
%
There is nothing horribler than a word that ain't real.
%
I try to act nonchalant.
But it's no use; I'm hopelessly chalant.
%
Eyelashes are supposed to prevent things from getting in the eye.
Every time I have something in my eye, it's an eyelash.&ensp;Eyeronic!
%
I tried using WD40 to get rid of the mice in my house.
It really didn't work, but they no longer squeak.
%
<font face="Comic Sans MS , cursive">sorry just read your text from last saturday
are you guys still at the bar?</font>
%
I'm a hunkle.
It's like a regular uncle, but way better looking.
%
The theft at the music store targeted just one specific instrument.
Police are looking for the luters.
%
I'm never good with my humor delivery.
I usually punch up the screwline.
%
I went to a nudist colony on the shores of Lake Knottybits.
It's called Camp Jaybird.&emsp;There's a dress code for dinner.
Birthday suits!
%
Why would I repent?
I can't remember penting in the fist place.
%
You have fingertips, but you don't have toetips.
Yet you can tiptoe, but not tipfinger.
%
The most useful among the essential oils is WD-40.
%
Walking home I passed an apple pie, a cheesecake, and an ice cream sundae.
I thought to myself, "The streets seems strangely desserted." 
%
My friend Jay had triplet daughters, and named them after him.
Their names are Kay, Elle, and Em.
%
Here's my Monday motivational quote: ...&emsp;I got nothin'
%
I much prefer the oldfangled technology.
%
Wife, "NNNNNNNN..."
I gently roll her on her side, "ZZZZZZZZ..."
%
You never hear about "flatmooners", do you?
%
I attended the Drywallers of America convention.
I went to several social functions -- and got plastered.
%
Hugo Furst seemed to be a nervous sky diver.
%
<b>Scaldophobia</b> (N.), Fear the toilet will flush while showering.
%
Our coworker, Scott did not come in today.
We're all moving on scott free.
%
I've taken on a new challenge.
I try to beat the ETAs of MapQuest.
%
Her, "What's a 3-letter word for BESEECH?"
Me, "BEG"&emsp;Her, "PLEEE-ASE!"
%
Miss Hazel Nutt is a Nutella at the bank.
%
Puns are measured with a sighsmograph.
%
<b>New Year. New Me</b><span style="opacity:0.4;">ntal issues.</span>
%
Spelling Bee, "Your word is 'impossible'."
Me -- "phttt! There's no point in trying, then."
%
Unfortunately, I finish my proofreading after I hit SNED.
%
James Bond’s Morse code signature is "Dah!&ensp;Dit&thinsp;Dah!"
%
60% of Americans say "Louie-ville" is the capitol of Kentucky.
40% of Americans will say it is "Louis-ville".
But the correct answer is Frankfort.
%
My horse, Red Wine, had a foal.
I named it Caberneigh.
%
The bronze medalist hit the gold medalist in the head with his sled.
What a sore luger!
%
I once had a real scary girlfriend.
Her name was Anne Thraxe.
%
I'm so shy.&ensp;I sent her Forget-Me-Nots anonymously.
%
Every time I find myself at the last straw,
I find there is always a laster straw.
%
I once dated a French pig farmer.
Her name was Sue Oui.
%
You've heard of Karl Marx, but how about his sister Onya, an Olympic official?
They still mention her name at the start of every race.
%
Reintarnation: Died and reborn as a cowboy.
%
Why do the two o’s in cooperate insist on having their own sound?
%
If we ever get 40 days and nights of rain, I Noah guy. He's an arkitect.
%
Me, "I'm unstoppable!"&ensp;Therapist, "No. I said you're unstable."
Me, "Tomato -- Tomahto"
%
Paddy O'Furniture: The Irish pioneer of outdoor leisure amenities.
%
Cyclops, "I'm spelling Hawai, but it looks wrong for some reason."
Wife, "You need two 'i's."&ensp;Cyclops, "My life is just a joke to you isn't it?"
%
I just flew back from a ravioli convention and Boyardee’s arms tired.
%
It's <b>BC</b> for "Before Christ", and it's <b>AD</b> for "After Dat".
%
I bought her flowers.
Then we argued over whether it's "vase" or "vahz".
%
Me, "Why is it called 'boating'"? It's not called 'car-ing' or 'plane-ing'."
She, "And yet, the word for being a bore..."
%
Immigrants in Sweden are called Artificial Swedeners.
%
It's a good week when the calendar has no "-oscopy" or "-ectomy" penciled in.
%
How do you catch a unique rabbit?&ensp; You “neek” up on it.
How do you catch a tame rabbit?&ensp; Tame way, you "neek" up on it.
%
Today is the most Mondayest Thursday
that's ever been mistaken for a Friday in the histories of Wednesdays.
%
Some idiot stuck a fork in an electrical outlet -- a shocking experience.
He did it again.&emsp;That was re-volting
%
I'm so old that my first telephone number was <b>HU</b>xley 5-8255.
%
Just got an invite to Apathetics Anonymous.
And why would I care?
%
I'm reading a book about WD-40.&ensp; It's Non-Friction.
%
To err is humman.
%
A one L “lama” is a Tibetan monk, and a 2 L “lama” is an animal.
And a 3 L “lama” is a wicked big fiyah in Boston.
%
I have a girlfriend, but she's in a different nation.&emsp;Imagi Nation.
%
Batman,"Alfred, please fill the bathtub."
Alfred, "Master Bruce, what is a htub?"
%
In "Laughter" the "L" comes first.
The rest of the letters come aughter it.
%
Sorry to hear your cousin was run over by a gondola in Venice.
You have  have my gondolences.
%
In high school I was voted most easily amused.
I still chuckle when I think about it.
%
Stuffed penguins are the result of tuxidermy.
%
I once dated a cute German lady -- a carpet installer.
Her name was Valda Wall.
%
<b>GLP-1:</b> Girth Control.
%
My flabbers are gasted every day.
%
I studied Dad Jokes in college. My major was Sighchology.
%
Why does Peter Pan fly?&ensp; Because he Neverlands.
I love that joke.&ensp; It never grows old.
%
There's a new, Russian coffee shop in town -- Tsarbucks.
%
Helpmyspacebarbrokencanyoucomeoverandgivemeanalternative?
I got your text,  but what does 'ternative' mean?
