Eighteen!!&ensp;By then I'll know better.
-- Calvin <font size="2">when he learns the age limit for buying cigarettes</font>
%
<b>THIS</b> is what entertainment is all about -- idiots, explosives, and falling anvils.
-- Calvin <font size="2">commenting on Saturday morning cartoons</font>
%
Never criticize a guy with a razor...
-- Calvin <font size="2">after assuring the barber it's the finest hair cut ever</font>
%
5th Period -- Studies in state-sponsored terrorism.
-- Calvin <font size="2">referring to Gym Class</font>
%
<b>MY</b> words speak louder than action.
-- Calvin <font size="2">after betting Susie he could build a better snowman</font>
%
I stick to my strengths.
-- Calvin <font size="2">commenting on his New Year's resolution to "stay the course"</font>
%
...A time to atone for frugality.
-- Calvin <font size="2">reflecting on the purpose for Christmas</font>
%
It's like a six-years old's dream come true.
-- Calvin <font size="2">reflecting on how he "lives in interesting times"</font>
%
I know when I'm being mocked.
-- Calvin <font size="2">after a single snow flake responds to his wish</font>
%
Nobody asks me how things should be. I've got tons of ideas.
-- Calvin
%
Nobody recognizes my hints to smother me with attention.
-- Calvin <font size="2">In a "very crabby mood"</font>
%
I'm only civil because I don't know any swear words.
-- Calvin
%
How old do you have to be before you know what's going on?
-- Calvin
%
This is making me nervous. Let's go in.
-- Calvin <font size="2">in the woods where it's so quite he can hear himself think</font>
%
I pragmatically turn my whims into principles.
-- Calvin
%
Ah, it's great to be a male.
-- Calvin <font size="2">expressing his delight about having a hammer</font>
%
Childhood is for spoiling adulthood.
-- Calvin <font size="2">after calling dad at work about the perfect day outside</font>
%
How can something seem so plausible at the time and so idiotic in retrospect?
-- Calvin <font size="2">after playing self-catch with a water balloon</font>
%
How tall are you?
-- Calvin <font size="2">to his dad when tying a water balloon to a tree branch</font>
%
It's complicating my life. Don't get me anymore.
-- Calvin <font size="2">about a library book his mom got him</font>
%
It's not Summer if your tongue isn't purple.
-- Calvin <font size="2">after finishing a popsicle</font>
%
Can I send in a substitute student?
-- Calvin <font size="2">learning that a substitute teacher is in for Miss Wormwood</font>
%
You know, Hobbes, some days even my lucky rocketship underpants don't help.
-- Calvin <font size="2">relating his disastrous school day to Hobbes</font>
%
First one downstairs gets to pick cartoons.
-- Calvin <font size="2">jumping out of bed with Hobbes on a Saturday morning</font>
%
I gotta learn how to write cursive.
-- Calvin <font size="2">after Ms. Wormwood tears up his fake note from mom</font>
%
Doesn't anybody appreciate theater?
-- Calvin <font size="2">after acting out like a robot in class</font>
%
I'd say our afternoon just got booked solid.
-- Calvin <font size="2">when he &amp; Hobbes found 'a trickle of water running through some dirt'</font>
%
Sorry. My eyes were on screen saver.
-- Calvin <font size="2">to Mrs. Wormwood when caught sleeping in class</font>
%
I must obey the inscrutable exhortations of my soul.
-- Calvin <font size="2">responding to Hobbes about why he's looking for frogs</font>
%
Sometimes life seems unbearably tragic.
-- Calvin <font size="2">reflecting on the fate of his brand new box of crayons</font>
%
I kept closing my eyes. Let's do it again.
-- Hobbes <font size="2">after one of Calvin's toboggan crashes</font>
%
My brain always rejects attitude transplants.
-- Calvin <font size="2">after approaching his homework with a positive attitude</font>
%
That suppressed laugh worries me.
-- Calvin <font size="2">when mom tricks him in to learning how to use the vacuum</font>
%
How do you spell "BOOGERS"?
-- Calvin <font size="2">writing his autobiography as 'a child prodigy'</font>
%
I'm not entirely comfortable holding a piece of my own head.
--Calvin <font size="2">after a baby tooth fell out</font>
%
In two seconds, every kid in the lunchroom is going to wish <b>he'd</b> thought of putting snow in his thermos.
-- Calvin
%
What did your dad tell you this time?
-- Mom <font size="2">after dad tells Calvin they'll get a tree <i>after</i> Xmas from some neighbor's driveway</font>
%
I'll tell your mom to turn you toward the light and water you periodically.
-- Hobbes <font size="2">after finding Calvin vegetating in front of the TV</font>
%
Have you all had your shots?
-- Calvin <font size="2">after finding his Show-And-Tell creature got loose</font>
%
The real fun of living wisely is that you get to be smug about it.
-- Hobbes <font size="2">reacting to Calvin's rant about homework, chores, etc.</font>
%
It's hard to be religious when certain people are never incinerated by bolts of lightning.
-- Calvin <font size="2">after Moe knocks him off the swing</font>
%
What this game needs are negotiated settlements.
-- Calvin <font size="2">tackled by Hobbes in their 2-man football game</font>
%
Bestow upon me thy discordant images at such a speed as to render linear thought impossible.
-- Calvin <font size="2">paying homage to the TV</font>
%
Everything's gotta have rules, rules, rules.
-- Calvin <font size="2">discovering that connect-the-dots must be done in numbered order</font>
%
It's only work if somebody makes you do it.
-- Calvin
%
In my opinion, we don't devote nearly enough scientific research to finding a cure for jerks.
-- Calvin
%
I don't need to do a better job.
I need better P.R. on the job I <b>do.</b>
-- Calvin <font size="2">after a scolding on his poor bedroom clean up</font>
%
Pander to me.
-- Calvin <font size="2">settling in front of the TV</font>
%
I think football is a sport the way ducks thing hunting is a sport.
-- Calvin <font size="2">after being tackled by Hobbes</font>
%
Nothing spoils fun like finding out it builds character.
-- Calvin <font size="2">after one of his father's object lessons</font>
%
My upbringing is filled with inconsistent messages.
-- Calvin
%
People pay more attention to you when they think you're up to something.
-- Calvin <font size="2">proposing Hobbes and he start a secret club</font>
%
Either this is my lucky day, or I missed the end-of-recess bell again.
-- Calvin <font size="2">finding the playground empty</font>
%
I get the feeling there was no right answer to that question.
-- Calvin
%
If there's more to life than this, I don't know what it is.
-- Calvin - <font size="2">relaxing in front of the fireplace with Hobbes</font>
%
Great experiences are even better when they're shared.
-- Calvin - <font size="2">to Hobbes after watching a bug eating another bug</font>
%
... the only sport is driving mom crazy.
-- Calvin - <font size="2">on a rainy day at home</font>
%
"Mrs, Wormwood, shouldn't he be in some special school or something?"
-- A classmate - <font size="2">during Calvin's Show &amp; Tell presentation</font>
%
You'd think that would be a standard color in a big set like this.
-- Calvin - <font size="2">after mixing multiple crayons to get the color "BARF"</font>
%
A day can really slip by when you're deliberately avoiding what you're supposed to do.
-- Calvin - <font size="2">in bed with his homework undone</font>
%
Math will still be there when the snow melts.
-- Calvin - <font size="2">ignoring his homework on a snow day</font>
%
Hey mom, I saw a bunch of products on TV that I didn't know existed, but I desperately need!
-- Calvin - <font size="2">as his mom sorts out the day's junk mail</font>
%
I wonder if her doctor knows she mixes all those medications.
-- Calvin - <font size="2">after an interaction with Ms. Wormwood</font>
%
My Plan A's are great. But my Plan B's leave a lot to be desired.
-- Calvin
%
When in doubt, deny all terms and definitions.
-- Calvin - <font size="2">taking an essay test</font>
%
I wish I could think of comeback lines on the spot.
-- Calvin - <font size="2">after a minor confrontation at school</font>
%
The incredibly annoying human echo strikes again!
-- Calvin - <font size="2">after repeating everything Hobbes says</font>
%
I understand my tests are popular reading in the teacher's lounge.
-- Calvin
%
I can't wait until I'm old enough to "putter around".
-- Calvin
%
Getting loads of loot is a very spiritual experience for me.
-- Calvin - <font size="2">reflecting on his zeal for Xmas</font>
%
The problem with dad is he doesn't know progress when he sees it.
-- Calvin - <font size="2">being told there'll be no ski lift in the back yard</font>
%
My whole problem is my lips move when I think.
-- Calvin - <font size="2">after a run-in with Moe</font>
%
I think geniuses should be given special considerations.
-- Calvin - <font size="2">after messing up his homework</font>
%
Smooth-talking the teacher really pays off.
-- Calvin - <font size="2">after being asked if he learned a lesson</font>
%
<b>"I'M SIGNIFICANT!</b>&nbsp;&nbsp; ...screamed the dust speck."
-- Calvin - <font size="2">standing under the Milky Way</font>
%
I'd rather be efficient than hygienic.
-- Calvin - <font size="2">grousing about daily hygiene</font>
%
I just don't test well.
-- Calvin - <font size="2">after Ms. Wormwood returns his test</font>
%
Maybe heaven is a place where you're <b>allowed</b> to be bad.
-- Calvin
%
I'm a 21st century kid trapped in a 19th century family.
-- Calvin
%
Well, I enjoyed coming home.
-- Calvin - <font size="2">after-school reply to mom's inquiry</font>
%
Being a man of action, I can't afford to take that risk.
-- Calvin - <font size="2">rationalizing why he can't make a decision</font>
%
Well, it's not to different from being a kid...
...except you're more attached to your toys.
-- Calvin's Dad <font size="2">when asked about being an adult</font>
%
I don't think you should have to do something unless you're enthusiastic about it.
-- Calvin - <font size="2">being asked by his mom to set the table</font>
%
I gotta get a stunt double.
-- Calvin - <font size="2">after eating a whole hot pepper</font>
%
I'd like to shoot the idiots who think this stuff affects me.
-- Calvin - <font size="2">watching violence on TV</font>
%
Mom says if I stay up here for two hours, three days a week,
I don't have to take any lessons this summer.
-- Calvin - <font size="2">talking with Hobbes in the tree house</font>
%
It's no use! It's no use!
Everybody gets good enemies except <b>me!</b>
-- Calvin - <font size="2">failing to prank Susie</font>
%
People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they don't
realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world.
-- Calvin
%
Hobbes: "So, what are you writing?"
Calvin: "A revisionist autobiography."
%
Tomorrow we'll seize the day and throttle it.
-- Calvin - <font size="2">making plans with Hobbes</font>
%
What assurance do I have that your parenting isn't screwing me up?
-- Calvin - <font size="2">confronting his parents</font>
%
Not having my emotions manipulated is such a weird experience.
-- Calvin
%
I'll bet your natural charm has made you a good sprinter.
-- Hobbes
%
Everybody hates a literalist.
-- Calvin
%
Yeah, I'm just here to cash in..
-- Calvin -<font size="2">"The world owes me..."</font>
%
<b>HELP!! </b> It's the thought police!
-- Calvin - <font size="2">after a classroom outburst</font>
%
For some reason they'd rather teach us stuff that any fool can look up in a book.
-- Calvin
%
Well, it puts a bad day in perspective.
-- Calvin - <font size="2">ruminating on the collapse of the universe</font>
%
All the experts say it's bad parenting to squelch a kid's ambitions.
-- Calvin
%
Nobody likes us "Big Picture" people.
-- Calvin
%
Oh, you know how people are.
They only recognize greatness when some authority confirms it.
-- Calvin
%
What's the point of trying if you can't be a winner?
-- Calvin
%
What's the matter with you? Don't you like fun?
-- Calvin
%
shh. This is my favorite deodorant commercial.
-- Calvin
%
She's such a hypocrite about building vocabulary.
-- Calvin
%
When you've got talent like ours, the world is your oyster.
-- Calvin
%
Mom has to <b>earn</b> a night's respite from me.
-- Calvin - <font size="2">after being forcibly returned to bed</font>
%
Talk about a kid magnet!
-- Calvin - <font size="2">encountering a mud puddle</font>
%
Maybe my luck will change tomorrow.
-- Calvin - <font size="2">after, once again, crashing his wagon</font>
%
<font face="Comic Sans MS">How many boards would the Mongols hoard, if the Mongol Hordes got bored?</font>
-- Calvin - <font size="2">writing a 1-liner for this collection :-)</font>
%
Calvin - "I also hate it when people look at me all bug-eyed."
Hobbes - "That must happen a lot."
%
At least our televisions understand us.
-- Calvin
%
Whenever you discuss certain things with animals,you get insulted.
-- Calvin - <font size="2">after a discussion with Hobbes</font>
%
Calvin - "You never know when some crazed rodent with cold feet might be running loose in your pants."
Hobbes - "Another reason not to wear'em."
%
If you can't control peanut butter, you can't be expected to control your life.
Did you cut the bread diagonally?
-- Calvin - <font size="2">getting a sandwich from his mom</font>
%
Yeah. Yeah. Kill the messenger.
-- Calvin - <font size="2">after his outburst in class</font>
%
I think it's really gross how she drinks Maalox straight from the bottle.
-- Calvin - <font size="2">after an interaction with Miss Wormwood.</font>
%
It pitched a perfect no-hitter.
-- Calvin - <font size="2">describing his school day</font>
%
Exercise is a lot more gratifying if you count what it <i>feels</i> like.
-- Calvin - <font size="2">doing push-ups</font>
%
Well, maybe "normal" is too strong a word.
-- Calvin
%
Mom's midnight reassurances are never very reassuring.
-- Calvin
%
I wonder what people knew before there were magazine quizzes?
-- Hobbes
%
Did you see how his veins throbbed?
-- Calvin
%
I'd say we're about due for another Saint Valentine's Day massacre.
-- Calvin
%
A joke is never as funny the second time your hear it.
-- Calvin
%
Look, it doesn't hurt to take precautions.
-- Calvin
%
I love the culture of victimhood.
-- Calvin
%
The problem with being avant-garde is know who's putting on who.
-- Calvin
%
That's a lot more mature than I think I care to be.
-- Calvin
%
Oh, you make everything sound so terrible.
You should be glad we're alive.
-- Calvin
%
Pretty convenient how every time <b>I</b> build character, <b>dad</b> saves a couple hundred dollars.
-- Calvin
%
Mom wanted a girl. I just know it.
-- Calvin
%
I ask myself, "Do I even care?"
-- Calvin
%
I'll bet the library just doesn't want anyone to know.
-- Calvin
%
I never really thought about butt muscles before.
-- Calvin
%
I say, if a novelty Christmas song is funny the first time,
it's funny <b>every</b> time.
-- Calvin
%
Good poetry gives me goosebumps.
-- Calvin
%
Everybody I know fails the acid test of friendship.
-- Calvin
%
I've got a new entry for our list of words that get a reaction.
-- Calvin
%
I've got to start listening to those quiet, nagging doubts.
-- Calvin
%
Maybe tomorrow's horoscope will run a correction or apology.
-- Calvin
%
Life's a lot more fun when you're not responsible for your actions.
-- Calvin
%
I'm not dumb. I just have a command of thoroughly useless information.
-- Calvin
%
Do you think the grownups will have the world fixed up by the time they hand it over to us?
-- Calvin
%
I sure wish I could get my hands on some <b>real</b> dynamite.
-- Calvin
%
My teacher says my mom and dad <u>both</u> have to sign my report cards this year.
-- Calvin
%
I just can't identify with that kind of work ethic.
-- Calvin
%
I think my excuses need to be less extemporaneous.
-- Calvin
%
I'm related to people I don't relate to.
-- Calvin
%
<b>WELL-L-L?</b> Doesn't <i>anyone</i> want to cheer me up?!?
-- Calvin
%
The end of Summer is always hard on me.
...trying to cram in all the goofing off I've been meaning to do.
-- Calvin
%
They can make me do it, but they can't make me do it with dignity.
-- Calvin
%
Calvin: "The only reason mom and dad are my parents is because I was <b>born</b> to them!
Hobbes: "A biological conspiracy, huh?"
%
OK dad, for <i>this</i> amazing trick I'll need an ordinary American Express card.
Now close your eyes.
-- Calvin
%
People who get nostalgic about childhood were obviously never children.
-- Calvin
%
I the New Year requires resolutions, I say it's up to everyone else, not me!
I don't need to improve!
Everyone <b>else</b> does!
-- Calvin
%
This sounds suspiciously like one of dad's plots to build my character.
-- Calvin
%
Mom: "Just how dumb do you think I am?"
Calvin: "She's not buying this."
%
Boy. I love summer vacation.
I can feel my brain beginning to atrophy already.
-- Calvin
%
Boy! Ask a simple question, and get all your television privileges revoked.
-- Calvin
%
Never argue with a six year-old who shaves.
-- Calvin <font size="2">after Moe takes his ball yet one more time</font>
%
Questions I know the answer to I don't need to ask, right?
-- Calvin
%
There's no problem so awful that you can't add some guilt to it and make it worse.
-- Calvin
%
The way some of those librarians look at you, I naturally assumed the consequences would be more dire.
-- Calvin
%
Mom: "How on earth do you <b>do</b> this??!"
Calvin: "These things just seem to happen."
%
Why is it you always rip your pants on the day everyone has to demonstrate a math problem at the chalkboard?
-- Calvin
%
Who was the guy that first looked at a cow and said, "I think I'll drink whatever comes out of these things when I squeeze'em!"?
-- Calvin
%
I know more about the private life of celebrities than I do about any governmental policy that will actually affect me.
-- Calvin
%
Wow. I bored myself <i>awake</i>.
-- Calvin
%
Calvin: "My generation doesn't absorb information this way. Could you reduce everything to factoids?"
Miss Wormwood: "Turn to page 21, class."
%
From now on, my rallying cry is, "<b>So What?!</b>"
-- Calvin
%
Deep down, I doubt my greed for presents can overcome my desire to misbehave.
-- Calvin
%
If mom and cared about me at all, they'd buy me some nighttime vision goggles.
-- Calvin
%
That's the difference between me and the rest of the world! Happiness isn't good enough for me! I demand euphoria!
-- Calvin
%
The purpose of writing is to inflate weak ideas, obscure pure reasoning, and inhibit clarity. With a little practice, writing can be an intimidating and impenetrable fog!
-- Calvin
%
Calvin: "I'm a genius, but I'm a misunderstood genius."
Hobbes: "What's misunderstood about you?"
Calvin: "Nobody thinks I'm a genius."
%
Well, it just seemed wrong to cheat on an ethics test.
-- Calvin
%
Calvin: "Can you make a living playing silly games?"
Dad: "Actually, you can be among the most overpaid people on the planet."
%
If you do the job badly enough, sometimes you don't get asked to do it again.
-- Calvin
%
The only skills I have the patience to learn are those that have no real application in life.
-- Calvin
%
Some people are pragmatists, taking things as they come and making the best of the choices available. Some people are idealists, standing for principle and refusing to compromise. And some people just act on any whim that enters their heads. I pragmatically turn my whims into principles!
-- Calvin
%
Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us.
-- Calvin
%
It seems like once people grow up, they have no idea what's cool.
-- Calvin
%
I say, if your knees aren't green by the end of the day, you ought to seriously re-examine your life.
-- Calvin
%
But Calvin is no kind and loving god! He's one of the old gods! He demands sacrifice!
-- Calvin
%
It's psychosomatic. You need a lobotomy. I'll get a saw.
-- Calvin
%
Why waste time learning, when ignorance is instantaneous?
-- Calvin
%
If something is so complicated that you can't explain it in 10 seconds, then it's probably not worth knowing anyway.
-- Calvin
%
Who wouldn't be interested in everything we do?!
-- Calvin
%
I think we dream so we don't have to be apart so long. If we're in each other's dreams, we can play together all night.
-- Calvin
%
You can present the material, but you can't make me care.
-- Calvin
%
YA AH! DEATH TO OATMEAL!
-- Calvin
%
From now on, I'll connect the dots my own way.
-- Calvin
%
I'm learning real skills that I can apply throughout the rest of my life ... procrastinating and rationalizing.
-- Calvin
%
Reality continues to ruin my life.
-- Calvin
%
Calvin: "Sometimes when I'm talking, my words can't keep up with my thoughts.
I wonder why we think faster than we speak."
Hobbes: "Probably so we can think twice."
%
I liked things better when I didn't understand them.
-- Calvin
%
Is it a right to remain ignorant?
-- Calvin
%
I think nighttime is dark so you can imagine your fears with less distraction.
-- Calvin
%
Miss Wormwood: "What state do you live in? "
Calvin: "Denial."
Miss Wormwood: "I don't suppose I can argue with that..."
%
What's the point of wearing your favorite rocketship underpants if nobody ever asks to see'em?
-- Calvin
%
My life needs a rewind/erase button.
-- Calvin
%
Weekends don't count unless you spend them doing something completely pointless.
-- Calvin
%
You know, Hobbes, some days even my lucky rocket-ship underpants don't help.
-- Calvin
%
I imagine bugs and girls have a dim perception that nature played a cruel trick on them, but they lack the intelligence to really comprehend the magnitude of it.
-- Calvin
%
Susie: "You'd get a good grade without doing any work."
Calvin: "So?"
Susie: "It's wrong to get rewards you haven't earned."
Calvin: "I've never heard of anyone who couldn't live with that."
%
If you couldn't find any weirdness, maybe we'll just have to make some!
-- Calvin
%
"MOM, CAN I SET FIRE TO MY BED MATTRESS?" "No, Calvin."
"CAN I RIDE MY TRICYCLE ON THE ROOF?" "No, Calvin."
"Then can I have a cookie?" "No, Calvin."
("She's on to me.")
%
I like to say "quark"! Quark, quark, quark, quark!
-- Calvin
%
I don't need to compromise my principles, because they don't have the slightest bearing on what happens to me anyway.
-- Calvin
%
For your information, I'm staying like this, and everyone else can just get used to it! If people don't like me the way I am, well TOUGH BEANS! It's a free country! I don't need anyone's permission to be the way I want! This is how I am - Take it or leave it!
-- Calvin
%
Know what I pray for? The strength to change what I can, the inability to accept what I can't and the incapacity to tell the difference.
-- Calvin
%
As usual, goodness hardly puts up a fight.
-- Calvin
%
If we don't all watch the same TV, what will keep our culture homogeneous?
-- Calvin
%
My behavior is addictive functioning in a disease process of toxic co-dependency. I need holistic healing and wellness before I'll accept any responsibility for my actions.
-- Calvin
%
My family is dysfunctional and my parents won't empower me.  Consequently I'm not self actualized.
-- Calvin
%
Nothing I do is my fault.
-- Calvin
%
Why should I have to work for everything? It's like saying that I don't deserve it.
-- Calvin
%
Hobbes: "What if the public doesn't like your work?"
Calvin: "They are not supposed to like it. This is avant-garde stuff! I'm criticizing the low brows who can't appreciate great art like this!"
%
The dame was hysterical. Dames Usually are.
-- Calvin as Tracer Bullet
%
Thank you. Before I begin, I'd like everyone to notice that my report is in a professional, clear plastic binder. When a report looks this good, you know it'll get an A. That's a tip kids. Write it down.
-- Calvin
%
Calvin: "I think we have got enough information now, don't you?"
Hobbes: "All we have is one "fact" that you made up."
Calvin: "That's plenty. By the time we add an introduction, a few illustrations and a conclusion, it'll look like a graduate thesis."
%
Wormwood: "Calvin, how about you?"
Calvin: "Hard to say ma'am. I think my cerebellum just fused."
%
If you want to stay dad you've got to polish your image. I think the image we need to create for you is "repentant but learning".
-- Calvin
%
Dad buried in election landslide! Jubilant throngs fill streets! Stunned father inconsolable - demands recount!
-- Calvin
%
Often it takes some calamity to make us live in the present. Then suddenly we wake up and see all the mistakes we have made. But it is too late to change anything.
-- Calvin
%
Sometimes it seems things go by too quickly. We are so busy watching out for what's just ahead of us that we don't take the time to enjoy where we are.
-- Calvin
%
Hobbes: "Well, you still have afternoons and weekends."
Calvin: "That's when I watch TV."
%
Hobbes: "Shouldn't we read the instructions?"
Calvin: "Do I look like a sissy?"
%
You know what we need, Hobbes? We need an attitude. Yeah, you can't be cool if you don't have an attitude.
-- Calvin
%
Why can't I ever build character at a Miami condo or a casino somewhere?
-- Calvin
%
Sometimes one should just look at things and think about things without doing things.
-- Calvin
%
What do you get when you cross a cantaloupe with lassie?  A melon-collie baby!
Get it?? HA HA HA OH OH HA HA!
-- Calvin
%
Hobbes: "How is the diorama coming along?"
Calvin: "I'm almost finished."
Hobbes: "I don't see the roadrunner. Weren't you going to put one in?"
Calvin: "See the cotton balls I glued down?"
Hobbes: "Yeah?"
Calvin: "The roadrunner just ran out of the scene leaving behind clouds of dust!"
%
There's never enough time to do all the nothing you want.
-- Calvin
%
Golly, I'd hate to have a kid like me!
-- Calvin
%
This is so cool that I have to go to the bathroom.
-- Calvin
%
Dad are you vicariously living through me in the hope that my accomplishments will validate your mediocre life and in some way compensate for all the opportunities you botched?
-- Calvin
%
If you care, you just get disappointed all the time. If you don't care nothing matters so you are never upset.
-- Calvin
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Life is full of surprises but never when you need one.
-- Calvin
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I'm killing time while I wait for life to shower me with meaning and happiness.
-- Calvin
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Miss Wormwood: "Calvin where was the Byzantine empire?"
Calvin: "I'll take "outer planets" for $100."
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How many boards would the Mongols hoard if the Mongol hordes got bored?
-- Calvin
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I thrive on change... I thrive on making other people change.
-- Calvin
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Be careful or be road-kill.
-- Calvin
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A good compromise leaves everyone mad.
-- Calvin
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Given that sooner or later we're all just going to die, what's the point of learning about integers?
-- Calvin
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Miss Wormwood, could we arrange our seats in a little circle and have a little discussion? Specifically, I'd like to debate whether cannibalism ought to be grounds for leniency in murders since it is less wasteful.
-- Calvin
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The only skills I have patience to learn are those that have no real application in life.
-- Calvin
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You don't get to be mom if you can't fix everything just right.
-- Calvin
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Calvin: "Who can fathom the feminine mind?"
Hobbes: "I like`em anyway"
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If people could put rainbows in zoos, they'd do it.
-- Hobbes
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Summer is butter on your chin and corn mush between every tooth.
-- Calvin
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If we wanted more leisure, we'd invent machines that do things less efficiently.
-- Calvin's dad
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To make a bad day worse, spend it wishing for the impossible.
-- Calvin
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Susie: "When life gives you a lemon, make lemonade."
Calvin: "I say, when life gives you a lemon, wing it right back and add some lemons of your own!"
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If good things lasted forever, would we appreciate how precious they are?
-- Hobbes
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But the important thing is persistence.
-- Calvin trying to juggle eggs
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I suppose the secret to happiness is learning to appreciate the moment.
-- Calvin
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It's hard to be mad at someone who misses you while you're asleep.
-- Calvin
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Oops, I always forget the purpose of competition is to divide people into winners and losers.
-- Hobbes being sarcastic
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Someday I'll write my own philosophy book.
-- Calvin
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Some things don't need the thought people give them.
-- Hobbes
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Mom knows EVERYTHING.
-- Calvin
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I'm a simple man with complex tastes.
-- Calvin
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Endorsing products is the American way of expressing individuality.
-- Calvin
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One of the joys of being a kid is that experiences are new and therefore more intense.
-- Calvin sniffing mustard
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It's great to have a friend who appreciates an earnest discussion of ideas.
-- Calvin
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That's the problem with science.  You've got a bunch of empiricists trying to describe things of unimaginable wonder.
-- Calvin
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All this modern technology just makes people try to do everything at once.
-- Hobbes
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I suppose if we couldn't laugh at things that don't make sense, we couldn't react to a lot of life.
-- Hobbes
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I don't understand this!  Not a single part of my horoscope came true!
The paper should print Mom's daily predictions.  Those sure come true.
-- Calvin
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I don't know which is worse,  ...that everyone has his price, or that the price is always so low.
-- Calvin
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I propose we leave math to the machines and go play outside.
-- Calvin
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It takes an uncommon mind to think of these things.
-- Calvin
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That's the problem with nature, something's always stinging you or oozing mucous all over you. Let's go and watch TV.
-- Calvin
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As a math atheist, I think I should be excused from this.
-- Calvin
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It's not denial. I'm just very selective about the reality I choose to accept.
-- Calvin
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I have <b>plenty</b> of common sense, I just choose to ignore it.
-- Calvin
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A voice crackles in Calvin's radio:
"Enemy fighters at two o'clock!"
Calvin: "Roger. What should I do until then?"
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I'm looking for something that can deliver a 50-pound payload of snow on a small feminine target. Can you suggest something? Hello...?
-- Calvin
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Until you stalk and overrun, you can't devour anyone.
-- Hobbes
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The inside of my head was exploding with fireworks. Fortunately, my last thought turned out the lights when it left.
-- Calvin
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Mom and dad say I should make my life an example of the principles I believe in. But every time I do, they tell me to stop it.
-- Calvin
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The intrepid Spaceman Spiff is stranded on a distant planet! Our hero ruefully acknowledges that this happens fairly frequently.
-- Calvin
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Verbing weirds language.
-- Calvin.
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I put in an Alka-Seltzer.
-- Calvin <font size="2">explaining the snap, crackle, and pop in his raisin bran</font>
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If you ask me, though, any game without push-ups, hits, burns or noogies is a sissy game.
-- Calvin
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My ethicator machine must've had a built-in moral compromise spectral release phantasmatron! I'm a genius!
-- Calvin
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Hobbes: "What would you call the creation of the universe?"
Calvin: "The Horrendous Space Kablooie!"
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It must be awful to be a girl. I'm sure it's frustrating knowing that men are bigger, stronger and better at abstract thought than women.  Really, if you are a girl, what would make you go on living?
-- Calvin, Dictator-For-Life, of GROSS (Get Rid Of Slimy girlS)
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One more nostalgic part of childhood goes <b>THBPPTH!</b>
-- Calvin
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<b>ATCHOOO!</b> Uh oh. I'm leaking brain lubricant.
-- Calvin
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If he's mocking me, I'm gonna goosh him.
-- Calvin <font size="2">watching a bug on the ground</font>
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This one's tricky. You have to use imaginary numbers, like eleventeen ...
-- Hobbes <font size="2">helping Calvin with his homework</font>
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"The dynamics of inter-being and mono logical imperatives in Dick and Jane: A study in psychic transrelational gender modes". Academia, here I come.
-- Calvin <font size="2">writing a book report</font>
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This game lends itself to certain abuses.
-- Calvin <font size="2">playing Calvinball with Hobbes</font>
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*SIGHHHH* I can't believe it's not even 8:15 yet.
-- Calvin <font size="2">sent to the principal's office yet again</font>
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When your aliments sound cute, you don't get much sympathy.
-- Calvin <font size="2">After telling his mom, "I've got a big owwy boo boo on my pinky"</font>
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