Electricians have to strip to make ends meet.
%
AI provides false facts and incorrect data in my area of expertise.
Thankfully, it's very useful and always accurate in topics I know nothing about.
%
Mr Ohm married Mrs Ohm because he couldn't resistor.
%
Fun Fact:
Four is the only number whose name has the same number of letters as the number itself.
%
If you enter "5318008" on a calculator and turn it over,
you can see the back of the calculator.
%
My company has a new, Australian network engineer.
He comes from a LAN down under.
%
I would never take a geologist for granite.
%
Well, I finally hit rock bottom.
I'm adding "Geologist" to my resume.
%
I knew two geologists who got married.
But now their marriage is on the rocks.
%
"It was broken until version 4."
"And after that?"
"After that everyone got used to it."
%
"You matter, unless you multiple yourself by the speed of light squared,
then you energy."
-- Neil deGrasse Tyson
%
<b>Theory&nbsp;</b> is when you know everything, but nothing works.
<b>Practice&nbsp;</b> is when you know nothing, but everything works.
In <b>Programming</b> we combine <b>Theory &amp; Practice</b>; nothing works and we don't know why.
%
<b>Algorithm</b> - programmers don't want to explain what they did.
<b>Heuristic</b> - programmers can't explain what they did.
<b>Machine Learning</b> - programmers don't know what they did.
%
I asked my algebra teacher if I'd ever use it as an adult.
He said, "No.&ensp;But some of the smart kids will."
%
This won't be my last geometry joke.
I'll circle back in a little while.
%
8 out of 24 people have trouble reducing a fraction.
%
When working towards a problem solution, it always helps to have the answer.
%
Statistics are like bikinis --
What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.
%
I have a statistics joke, but the average person would think it's mean
%
I'd be unstoppable were it not for law enforcement and Physics.
%
&emsp;<b>DANGER!&ensp; HIGH POWER LASER!</b>
Do Not Look Into Beam With Remaining Eye
%
I did my Science Project on black holes.
I really got sucked into it.
%
Science Fact:
If you took all the veins in your body and laid them end-to-end, you'd die.
%
[pumpkin circumference] / [pumpkin diameter] = [pumpkin Pi]
%
Albert Einstein married his cousin Elsa.
Which shows even his marriage was relative.
%
Albert Einstein had an uncle in the army.
That's how he got started on General Relativity.
%
Define the universe and give 3 examples.
%
Old chemists never die. We just Barium.
%
Old geologists never die.&emsp;They just erode away.
%
My son's math teacher is seeing an analyst.
Seems he has <b>way more</b> than his share of problems.
%
When a project fails, call it <b>Version 1.0</b>.
%
Failure is not an option.&ensp; It comes free with the software.
%
A large Periodic Table display fell over on a professor.
The official cause of death was "Exposure to the elements".
%
Found 2 large bumps on my drone battery and had them tested.
One came back positive. Google says it’s terminal. l was shocked.
%
Ask a programmer to review 10 lines of code, and they'll find 10 issues.
Ask them to review 500 lines, and they'll say, "It looks good."
%
A parasite walks into a bar and the barman says, "We don't serve your type here."
The parasite replies, "Well, you're not a very good host."
%
If you don't schedule time for maintenance,
your equipment will schedule it for you.
%
A megaphone is equal to a million phones.
A million microphones are equal to one phone.
Ergo, a megaphone is equal to a billion microphones.
%
If you think about it, a scientist's job is just to "screw around and find out".
%
A möbius strip walked into a bar.
Bartender shakes his head, “It never ends with you, does it?"
%
Beware of dating a chemist. They lure you with their magnetism.
They only call periodically. Then one day: Boom! They argon.
%
Me, ""How can quantum mechanics and general relativity be unified?"
Waiter, "I meant any questions about the menu."
%
You're a programmer if " (0x2b||!0x2b) " makes sense to you.
%
Never put sulfuric acid in a metal container.
It's just an oxidant waiting to happen.
%
Why do meteorites always land in craters?
%
Anagram: Eleven plus two: Twelve plus one.
%
A blizzard is when it snows sideways.
%
Soon we may discover how to make magnets that can point in any direction.
%
Breaking!&emsp;1/2 is 2/3 of 3/4.
%
Putting Pavlov’s dog into Schrödinger’s box resulted in a No Bell Prize.
%
A pizza is a literal pie chart describing how much pizza is left.
%
Math Problem:
If 120 players take 40 minutes to play Beethoven's 9th Symphony,
How long would it take for 60 players to play the symphony?
%
A guy at work ridicules me for my poor understanding of binary logic.
He is constantly Boolean me.
%
Everyone is an atheist until they start to update their BIOS.
-- Sun Tzu
%
A Higgs Boson walked into a Catholic church and says,
"Whoa, whoa, whoa!! You can't have mass without me"
%
If it weren't for physics, I'd be unstoppable.
%
A programmer was asked, "What causes bad programs?"
Programmer, "No comments."
%
I grew up on K Street where the house numbers were 64, 128, 256, 512, and 1024.
Returning years later, it was a trip down memory lane.
%
Every math book I ever read looked so sad.
They all had too many problems.
%
My chemistry experiment exploded.
sigh ...&emsp;Oxidants happen.
%
Chemistry jokes can be funny periodically, but physics jokes have more potential.
%
I'm so old that I'm still wary of putting spaces in file names.
%
A mathematician named Klein
Thought the Möbius Strip was divine.
&emsp;He said, "If you glue
&emsp;The edges of two,
You'll get a weird bottle like mine."
%
Electric car owners are required to have a current license.
%
An optimist sees a glass half full and a pessimist sees it half empty.
The chemist sees the glass completely full,
half in the liquid state and half in the vapor state.
%
An optimist sees the glass half full. The pessimist sees it half empty.
The engineer sees that the glass has a safety margin of 100%.
%
I'll keep posting these lame chemistry jokes until I get a reaction.
%
The magazines in a chemistry library are found on the periodic table.
%
"I've set the wedding date. I've not asked her out, yet."
-- how software projects are managed.
%
A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any other invention,
with the possible exceptions of handguns and Tequila.
-- Mitch Ratcliffe
%
My printer and I have a healthy relationship.
When It refuses to work, I threaten to replace it.
And then we both pretend the WiFi is the problem.
%
Gas chromatographs suffer from separation anxiety.
%
Old computer joke: I am Pentium of Borg. You will be approximated.
%
Why would anyone say "half a dozen" when you can simply say "six"?!?
%
An SQL query walks into a bar and sees two tables.
Walks over and says, "May I join you?"
%
I dated a guy who sold academic journals.
But once only. He had some serious issues.
%
288 is disgusting --- it's just two gross.
%
How do you get down from a brontosaurus?
You don’t; you get down from an archaeopteryx.
%
Argon drifts into a bar. The bartender says, "We don't serve noble gasses here!"
That go no reaction.
%
The student struggled while learning his solids, liquids, and gasses.
He didn't know what the matter was.&ensp;He was going through a phase.
%
A miserable Möbius strip enters a bar. Bartender asks, "Why the long face?"
Möbius strip says, "Where do I even start?"
%
I have a good lithium joke.
Actually ...&ensp;that's a Li.
%
She was beautiful, like code that compiles on the first try.
But you knew there was something deeply wrong with her,
&emsp;... like code that compiles on the first try.
%
PI day is on March 14. I celebrate Approximation Day on 22/July.
%
Parrots are not allowed at physics conventions.
It's because of the  Polly Exclusion Principle.
%
Use science to distinguish between an alligator and a crocodile.
Does it see you&ensp;<i>later</i>&ensp;or&ensp;<i>in a while</i>.
%
A sorting algorithm walks into a bar and orders everything.
%
Chemists hate nitrates because they are more costly than day rates.
%
Computer, "Save this image as 660649f3e5c84d7l30.png?"
Me, "Yeah, sure."
%
I'm into STEM (Shenanigans, Tomfoolery, Escapades, Mischief)
%
f(x) walks into a bar.
The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't cater for functions."
%
Installing linux is the 2nd best choice I ever made!
My <i>best</i> choice?&ensp;Deleting Windows.
%
Without geometry life would be pointless!
%
There's a reason why no one likes math.&ensp;Everything is a problem.
%
I drove 3 hours in a blizzard to get a part for my computer.
It was a hard drive.
%
In Quantum Physics things can change when directly observed.
In my case, I change into an idiot.
%
Black holes are out of sight!
%
Once again it's a New Year and my resolution remains the same: !024 x 768.
%
Nothing boosts productivity like panic.
%
I've forgotten way more then I ever learned.
%
There's a asteroid 5,280 feet long headed our way.
I believe it will be some sort of milestone.
%
The insecure physicist was always fission for compliments.
%
I would tell you a trigonometry joke, but it's hard to find an angle...
%
Nothing is more permanent than a temporary fix.
-- Seasoned Programmer
%
Schrodinger's Party: It doesn't start until you arrive.
%
I can't tell anyone what my dog's name is.
I use it for passwords.
%
Do you pronounce it data or data?
%
In my high school math examinations
I would always look for a sine from above.
%
I don't think my hair occupies Euclidean space.
%
I asked my anthropology classmate if she would date me.
Supposedly I'm somewhere between Neanderthal and Cro-Magnon.
%
"It's a negative 40 degrees!"
<font face="Comic Sans MS , cursive" size="3">"Fahrenheit or Celsius?"</font>
" ... I have amazing news!"
%
The impact of microplastics cannot be studied
because there is no control group.
%
My dad used to say he wanted a computer that was as simple to use as his telephone.
Now he says he wants a phone that's as simple to use as his computer.
%
Wife, "Sometimes I think you like programming more than you like me."
Me, "Darling, in my array of interests, you are number [1]’.
%
“Math is my favorite subject,” Tom added.
%
“My favorite number is two,” Tom said evenly.
%
“Three plus three equals six,” Tom added.
%
“I flunked my math exam,” Tom said testily.
%
I'm uncomfortable talking with trigonometry professors.
They tend to go off on tangents.
%
It's pronounced "gif" -- not "gif".
%
Ants made a seesaw with a toothpick &amp; half a crumb, but it didn't work.
They needed a full crumb.
%
The plural of "index" is "indices", and of "vertex" is "vertices".
The plural of "mutex" is "deadlock".
%
I watched a poorly done TED Talk about Dark Matter.
It really lacked substance.
%
Goodhart’s Law: When a measure becomes a target, it ceases to be a good measure.
%
Don't let statistics do a number on you.
%
How many Luddites does it take to change a candle?
Asking for a friend.
%
Botany may take a lifetime to master.
So, the sooner you start, the longer it'll take.
%
ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI.
%
The rotation of Earth really makes my day.
%
I tried dating a scientist.
But we had bad chemistry.
%
5 in 4 people have trouble with math.
%
My attempts to multiply various numbers by zero have amounted to nothing.
%
I was asked if I could describe the chemical Nitric Oxide.
The short answer was "NO".
%
There have been times when I had to rework some legacy code.
"Who the hell wrote this?!?&emsp;Oh,&ensp; I&ensp; wrote&ensp; this."
%
The U.S.A. is inching towards the metric system.
%
"2, 4, 6 ,8 --- who do we appreciate?"
Clearly not 3, 5, 7, 9 --- they're the odd ones.
%
Two scientists in long underwear?&emsp; A thermal couple!
%
I'm a Jack of all trades.
Among the chemists, I'm the best programmer. Among the programmers, .......
%
The Wright brothers built the worst airplanes in the world.
And history thanks them for it.
%
Scientists say the sun will burn out in 5 billion years -- leaving a cold, dark, empty void.
And now you know why scientists are seldom invited to dinner parties.
%
A sobbing möbius strip walks into a bar. Bartender asks, "What's wrong?"
The möbius strip replies, "Where do I even begin?!?"
%
I install smaller viruses on my computer to build up an immunity.
%
Math is like love; a simple idea, but it gets complicated.
I'm an English major; you do the math.
%
I made an abacus by threading string through Lifesaver mints.
I definitely improved my menthol arithmetic.
%
Pi goes on and on and on ... And e is just as cursed.
I wonder: Which is larger when their digits are reversed?
%
My passwords are protected by dementia.
%
Coding is fun until the code starts doing what you told it to do instead of what you wanted it to do.
%
You should never anthropomorphize a computer.
Because ... they don't like it.
%
Three out of four kids don't understand basic math concepts.
The other half do quite well in college.
%
For some reason, I don't like the number fourteen.
You might think that's odd, but it's actually even.
%
Many great discoveries are made by not following instructions.
%
I invented a chemical that can eat through anything,
but I can't find a place to store it.
%
Statistics show six out of seven dwarfs are not Happy.
%
I met Neil Armstrong once.
He was surprisingly down to earth.
%
I'm right 90% of the time.
The other half is when I have to do math.
%
It's not hard to grasp that protons have mass.
But I cannot believe they're all catholic.
%
Security Tip: Passwords in plain text are actually secure. Hackers expect encryption.
%
Only half of programming is coding.
The other 90% is debugging.
%
Johnny was a chemist's son.&ensp;But Johnny is no more!
What Johnny thought was H2O was H2SO4!
%
There are eleven kinds of people in the world.
Those that understand roman numerals; and those that don't.
%
Tonight the moon will be visible from earth.
The last time this happened was last night.
%
When chemists die, they barium.
%
Student, "I'm terrified of the vertical axis." Math teacher, "Why?"
Student: <b>SCREAMS</b>
%
All the math students had finished, except the kid flipping a coin for answers.
Teacher, "Why aren't you done?"&emsp;Student, "I'm double checking my answers."
%
Si++ -- A popular Spanish programming language.
%
Well!&ensp;This is most ironic:&ensp;Fe&sup2;+
%
<b>Revolt</b> (v.), To charge an electric vehicle.
%
Before I took algebra, I thought it would be the worst thing ever.
And&emsp;...&emsp;I was right.
%
Why do large electrical transformers hum?
Because they don’t know the words.
%
If a programmer says they will fix the bug in 1 hour, just believe'em.
There's no need to hound them every 2 hours.
%
Rose are Red&emsp;Violets are Blue
Unexpected '}' on line 32
%
I'm writing a physics paper and I often have to decide between &lt; and &gt;.
Then I remember "the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number".
%
All the geology professors eat lunch at The Dolomite Cafe.
They always have the marble cake.
%
Programmer's Credo: We do these things not because they are easy,
but because we <i>thought</i> they were going to be easy.
%
You know what I find odd? ...Every other number.
I can’t even
%
Things were better when the computer lived in its own room.
And you only went in there sometimes.
%
Astronauts use linux because you can't open Windows in space.
%
An engineer is someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had,
in a way you don't understand.
%
A single ant can live to be 29 years old.
Dunno about a married one...
%
Behind every robot that turns evil is an engineer that
specifically installed red LEDs for eyes just for this occasion.
%
I'm new at protocols, but isn't https just the plural of http?
%
You need to be bold to ask someone for a first date.
But, if you're asking a geologist, you need to be a little boulder.
%
The observable universe is 93 billion light years across.
That's more than two football fields!
%
You cannot spell "FAIL" without "AI".
%
I have pi phobia.&ensp;It's an irrational fear.
%
Recently my dad died from electrocution.
It was a current event.&emsp;&emsp;I know, that's shocking.
%
Two weeks without programming and I've forgotten 30 years of experience.
%
Make 3 mistakes today ... and call it research.
%
51 being divisible by 17 is disgusting.
%
I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a bit of calculus.
But trigonometry is where I draw the line.
%
What is the speed of dark?
%
Computers used to scream in pain when connecting to the internet.
That was a warning, and we did not heed it.
%
I don't like computer jokes -- not one bit.
%
I think I'm only getting a fraction of these math jokes.
%
I was asked to repair an abacus.
I better make it count.
%
One time I had a mermaid in my math class.
She wore the cutest little algae bra.
%
I worship the gravitational effect of her passage through space-time.
%
My friend came to my costume party dressed as an abacus.
I knew I could count on him.
%
Digital circuits perform bit parts.
%
Fun Fact: Tectonic plates move at roughly the same rate fingernails grow.
%
One of my friends has an AI girlfriend.
He's dating a model. She's a Gemini.
%
When asked the time, don't say,"It's a quarter to 4."
Instead, say, "It's 3.75."
%
Grant me the serenity to accept the things that are grounded,
the courage to charge things that are negative,
and the wisdom to know the potential difference.
%
I have a scary joke about math ... but I'm 2&sup2; to tell it.
%
Numbers are strange --- some even downright odd.
%
A  statistician drowned while crossing the river.
He felt safe, since it was only 3 feet deep on average.
%
Gravity is the most fundamental force in the universe.
But if you took it away, you'd have nothing left but gravy.
%
I have an entomological etymology question about the bumble bee.
Or ... maybe it's an etymological entomology question...
%
A mind, once stretched by a new idea,
never regains it's original dimensions.
%
The Periodic Table should include "Ah".
That would be the element of surprise.
%
After he invented the lightbulb,
people saw Edison in a new light.
%
Everyone knows Sin City.&ensp;It's Las Vegas.
But do you know Den City?&ensp;That's mass over volume.
%
Statistician: a person who draws a mathematically precise line
from an unwarranted assumption to a foregone conclusion.
%
The physics teacher promised us a field trip.
So she turned on a generator.
%
My scientific calculator might be possessed.
The sines are all there.
%
I just returned from a trip to Greece.
Man, there were math and physics symbols <i>everywhere!</i>
%
If I had a dollar for every time algebra helped me, I'd have x dollars.
%
My chances of passing this math exam are about 50-60.
And my pencil is all wrong -- it just isn't 2B.
%
I can tell jokes about the elements all day.
But, it works better if I only tell them periodically.
%
My physics professor always intimidated me.
I never understood any of the cartoons on his office door.
%
I just saw the thermodynamics professors in a heated discussion.
%
Student, "I'm making a diagram that uses circles."
German professor, "Venn"&emsp;Student, "Probably tomorrow."
%
With greater power comes greater difficulty factoring the polynomial.
%
My statistics professor called me an average student.
I thought that was just mean!
%
I've started reading a book about helium.
I cannot put it down.
%
The first time, it's a KLUDGE!&ensp;The second, a trick.
After that, it's a well-established technique!
%
Paleontologists are naturally aggressive.
They either have a bone to pick, or are digging up the past.
%
I just found my old high school algebra book.
It has that old-book smell -- similar to the smell of failure.
%
ASCII a stupid question, you get an EBCDIC answer.
%
An introverted engineer looks at <i>their</i> shoes when talking to you.
An extroverted engineer looks at <i>your</i> shoes.
%
Number one. Add a "g" and it's gone.
%
It's not your fault. It's segmentation's fault.
%
I went to the annual Fibonacci Society dinner.
It was as big as the last two, put together.
Left early as it spiralled out of control.
%
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar.
The first orders a beer. The second orders half a beer.
The third orders a quarter of a beer, and so on...
The bartender pours 2 beers and says, "You guys oughta know your limits."
%
Any sufficiently complicated bug is indistinguishable from a feature.
%
Most great discoveries are made by mistake.
%
I'm not that smart, but multiplying by 2 makes me even number.
%
They just are not making 12 inch rulers any longer.
%
I failed math so many times in school that I lost count.
%
Cowboys make poor mathematicians.
They always round everything up.
%
Never underestimate the bandwidth of a SUV full of DVDs.
%
I remember my first introduction to Roman Numerals.&ensp;VIVID!
%
No experiment is so elementary that it cannot be done wrong.
%
I like to insert � and &acirc;&euro;&trade; when I submit online forms.
I just know some web developer will see it and think they have a bug.
%
Just go with the flow, roll with the crunches,
and, when you get a prompt, type like hell.
%
I argued with the captain of the math club.
I was fed up with him Boolean me.
%
Then there was Pavlov's failure with his cat.
%
Schrodinger's Backup:
The condition of any backup is unknown until the backup is needed.
%
There's nothing so permanent as a temporary fix.
%
I have 11 sisters, and all three identify as non-binary.
%
I moved our router to the horse barn.
We now have a stable WiFi.
%
I want to learn about Life before the Big Bang.
But there's no Time!
%
A&nbsp;programmer walks into a bar.
He holds up 2 fingers, and says, "3 beers, please!"
%
If 666 is all devil, then 25.806975 is the root of all devil.
%
Mathematicians like the forest because of all the natural logs.
%
Pavlov's hair was so soft because he conditioned it.
%
Byte your tongue.
%
The study of non-linear physics is like the study of non-elephant biology.
%
Theoretical physicists don't deserve to vote.
Only real people should vote.
%
77% of college students would do poorly in a STEM course.
Fortunately I'm in the other 33%.
%
For my wife's birthday, I got some new beads for her abacus.
It's the little things that count.
%
Don’t ampere with electricity.
Or you’ll be in for a shocking experience.
%
The Improper Fraction Help Desk is now open 24/7.
%
Never discuss infinity with a mathematician.
You'll never hear the end of it.
%
Solar power is the future, but it won't happen overnight.
%
Will the information superhighway ever have any rest stops?
%
This is an unauthorized cybernetic announcement.
%
It's hard to think of you as the end result of millions of years of evolution.
%
The adjective for metal is metallic;
but not so for iron -- which is ironic.
%
We can defeat gravity.
The problem is the paperwork involved.
%
Einstein and Pascal walk into a bar.
It becomes a 1.00001 bar.
%
A phlebotomist does their work in vein.
%
The only possible interpretation of any research whatever in the `social sciences' is: some do, some don't.
-- Ernest Rutherford
%
Never put off 'til run-time what you can do at compile-time.
%
2,000 pounds of salamanders = a newt ton.
%
The bigger the sample size, the better the averages.
Basically, the N justifies the means.
%
Even single thing that exists in this infinite universe
is either a frog or not a frog.
%
I asked him if he knew ASCII, and he said, "0x72756465"
Well, that was rude , wasn't it?
%
3.14% of the population does not celebrate Pi Day.
They're just so irrational.
%
The problem that we thought was a problem was, indeed, a problem,
but not the problem we thought was the problem.
%
Black hole jokes are singularly the most dense.
%
Phytoplankton always have a light meal.
%
In MacOS, you're the user.
In Windows, you are admin.
In Linux, you are literally the developer.
%
What in the world is electricity?
And where does it go after it passes through the toaster?
-- Dave Barry
%
Lab equipment can sense fear.
Stay calm and speak to the machine in low, soothing tones.
%
Remote login is a lot like astral projection.
%
We do this <i>not</i> because it is easy.
We do this because we <i>thought</i> it would be easy.
%
My sister went to college and took up chemistry.
Then I went to college and took up space.
%
We don't really understand it, so we'll give it to the programmers.
%
"How do I love thee? My accumulator overflows."
%
My body is a machine that turns coffee into buggy programs.
%
Try again.
%
I have a geography joke, but I can't locate it.
%
I have an economics joke, but it's not in demand.
%
I have a civil engineering joke, but it's under construction.
%
I have a math joke, but I'm not sure if I can prove it.
%
My body is a machine that turns engineer designing into glutes.
%
I have a process for mastering up-to-date tech skills.
(Also known as "googling"...)
%
The never ceasing argument against science is ignorance.
-- Marvin Jones
%
I've never written a journal article on Trigonometry.
But I have cosigned a few.
%
I'm reading a great book about lubricants.
It's non friction.&ensp;It's pretty slick.
%
The "H" in "Software Development" stands for "happiness".
%
I bought a book to learn base 2,
Title was "Binary 10".
%
Testing can show the presence of bugs, but not their absence.
-- Dijkstra
%
Don't sweat it.
It's only ones and zeros.
%
Another day without needing to calculate the surface area of a cone.
%
I'm so old I remember circular slide rules.
%
Mathematics topology is very practical.
It’s knot theory at all.
%
I have a math joke.
But I'm 2&sup2; to tell it.
%
FUN FACT: Zebras are black with white stripes.
%
Biology grows on you.
%
She asked me what I thought would be a perfect date.
YYYY-MM-DD
%
Lawyer, "I learned from Law School."
Doctor, "I learned from Med School."
Programmer, "I just kept googling stuff and it kept working."
%
A professor was telling jokes about the different states of matter.
The first 3 were just so-so, but the last one was solid!
%
Science teachers may tell jokes periodically.
%
My computer went down.&ensp;It lost its drive.
%
2.4 statute miles of surgical tubing at Yale U. = 1 I.V. League
%
Math can be divisive.
%
Here's a tip on selecting a science major in college.
Geology rocks, but geography is where it's at.
%
"To be scientifically literate is to empower yourself to know when someone else is full of bullshit."
-- Neil deGrasse Tyson
%
Date a programmer.
They break keyboards, not hearts.
%
Six hours of debugging can save you 5 minutes of reading documentation.
%
Time exits to make sure that everything doesn't happen at once.
Space exists to make sure that everything doesn't happen to you.
%
Every programmer has a test environment.
For some it is "Prod".
%
The biggest difference between time and space is that you can't reuse time.
%
They sent a rainbow to prism.
It's a light sentence, but it gives it time to reflect.
%
"Percussive Maintenance" is the technical term for hitting something until it works.
%
We had a mermaid in our math class.
She wore an algae bra,
%
The two new trigonometry teachers make acute couple!
%
Why did the chicken cross the Möbius strip?
To get to the... wait one moment!
%
Don't dump sodium chloride on anyone.
That's a salt.
%
How many weeks are there in a light year?
%
My son had great difficulties with multiplication and division.
Then came the aftermath.
%
Because of the flu, doctors recommend people stop handshaking.
As a result, the internet has changed all of its TCP protocols to UDP.
Yeah, it's a UDP joke. Dunno if you're going to get it.
%
The first version always gets thrown away.
%
Elements of surprise:
<b>O&thinsp;Mg&thinsp;!&ensp;Ga&thinsp;H&thinsp;!</b>
%
A guy walks into a bar and asks for money.
Bartender says, "That's not how it works."
Guy replies, "Why not? One bar equals one ATM!"
%
My girlfriend is an archaeologist, and she dated hundreds before me.
%
Programmer joke: !false
It’s funny, because it’s true.
%
My imaginary friend is quite helpful.
He handles all my &radic;-1 math problems.
%
My imaginary friend wears shoes sized 10i.
%
Having an imaginary girlfriend ties you up in a complex relationship.
%
A scientist was caught faking the discovery of a new element.
He was fundamentally wrong.
%
When I see a claim that something "kills cancer in a Petri dish",
I think, "So does a gun!"
%
I think my graphing calculator is plotting against me.
%
I dunno why we skipped from IPv4 to IPv6 -- skipping IPv5.
%
I'm banned from the physics department for the way I pronounce "Doppler" effect.
%
The Wright Bothers weren't the first to fly.
They were just the first not to crash.
%
Ask a programmer to review 10 lines of code and they'll find 10 errors.
Ask them to review 500 lines of code: "Yeah. That all looks good."
%
How can you tell you're speaking with an extroverted programmer?
While talking, he's staring at <i>YOUR</i> shoes.
%
Earth is probably a beta site.
%
My parents wanted me to do well in math.
Now, all my jokes are derivative.
%
The Earth is bi-polar.
%
Maybe America avoids the metric system because they have a foot fetish.
%
I'm so old that my first terminal was a round, black &amp; white cathode ray tube.
%
I saw a blacksmith pick up a molten hot ingot with his bare hands.
He explained, "Pick ‘em up by the corners. They’re only 90&deg;.”
%
Would it be mean...
to call someone average?
%
A CPU is a rock that we tricked into thinking.
%
If America switched to kilograms there would be <i>mass</i> confusion
%
Was once asked, "What makes code bad?"
My answer, "No comment."
%
POLL: Should American schools teach Arabic Numerals?
Yes: XXIX%&emsp;No: LVII%&emsp;No Opinion: XIV%
%
Dear Algebra, please stop asking us to find your X.
She's never coming back and don't ask me Y.
%
Theory is when you know everything, but nothing works,
Practice is when you don't know anything, yet everything works.
In programming we combine theory with practice;
Nothing works and we don't know why.
%
My geometry teacher had a pet parrot she named Polygon.
%
I'm really glad I learned all about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes.
It's really come in handy now that it's parallelogram season.
%
A machine learning program walks into a bar. Bartender, "What'll you have?"
Algorithm, "I have what everyone has been ordering."
%
The world is not octal despite the attempts by DEC.
%
My super power is inertia.
You'll understand if you ever try to get me moving.
%
I was feeling bad about my code, so I went out for a run.
It was then that I realized my code isn't the only thing that can't run.
%
I'm still upset that the developer of the GIF image standard
decided to pronounce it "gif" instead of "gif".
%
Pondering: Does Rice Univ. have a mathematics team called The Houston Eulers?
%
It is easier to change the specifications to fit the program than vice versa.
%
If you're ever unsure who you are, don't be afraid to consult your identity matrix.
%
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords. I had to ground him.
He's doing better currently, and now conducting himself properly.
%
15 + 15 is thirty.&ensp;And, 16 + 16 is thirty too.
%
The reason that every major university maintains a department of mathematics
is that it's cheaper than institutionalizing all those people.
%
You should always tip your server.
Unless you work in the IT department.
%
Two nuclear scientists got married.
The bride was radiant, and the groom was glowing!
%
I was told to put away my calculator for the math exam.
Bummer! I was really counting on it.
%
I don't always document my programs.
But when I do, it's because I don't understand the code either.
%
The professor took my calculator away during the math test.
Go.&ensp;Figure.
%
Writing test cases for your code is doubting your own coding skills.
It's a sign of weakness.
%
Do not simplify the design of a program if a way can be found to make it complex and wonderful.
%
They say, "Every little bit helps."
"</i>They</i>" being the I.T. guys.
%
If I got 50 cents for every failed math exam, I’d have $6.30 now.
%
Why did the programmer leave his job?
Because he never got arrays!
%
The variable string "() ()" is not a palindrome.
But "() )(" is.
%
Reality must take precedence over public relations, for Mother Nature cannot be fooled.
-- R.P. Feynman
%
It's a naive, domestic operating system without any breeding,
but I think you'll be amused by its presumption.
%
A programmer walks into a bar. The bartender asks, "What'll it be?"
"I'll have an <font face=DejaVu Sans Mono><b>int</b></font>.&ensp;No, wait, make that a <font face=DejaVu Sans Mono><b>double</b></font>."
%
Moses was the world's first Tech Geek.
Yeah, he downloaded a document from the Cloud to his tablet.
%
I made a snow angle.
It was an acute one.
%
As Will Rogers would have said, "There is no such thing as a free variable."
%
We recently had a major breakthrough in quantum computing.
This is really great news. And at the same time it's really bad news.
%
1.79 x 10^12 furlongs per fortnight.
It's not just a great idea, it's the law!
%
Computer programs expand so as to fill the core available.
%
Entropy requires no maintenance.
-- Markoff Chaney
%
Computers don't actually think. You just think they think. (We think.)
%
She asked, "What's your idea of a perfect date?"
Me, "<font face=DejaVu Sans Mono><b>YYYY/MM/DD</b></font>. Other formats are just too confusing."
%
!! ERROR !!
The password you entered is already in use by 'sysadmin'. Try another.
%
Programmers don't often make it past the first date.
There are too many conditional statements preceding the main function.
%
There are 10 kinds of people: those who understand binary,
those who don't ... and those who didn't expect a joke in base 3.
%
A sheet of paper is an ink-lined plane.
%
JAVA is to JAVASCRIPT as CAR is to CARPET.
%
Cats know about keyboard shortcuts that even Microsoft doesn't know about.
%
There is no royal road to geometry.
-- Euclid
%
I cannot conceive that anybody will require multiplications
at the rate of 40,000 or even 4,000 per hour.
-- F. H. Wales (1936)
%
A college friend was obsessed with finding ever larger prime numbers.
I wonder what he's up to now?
%
My sister opened a computer software store in Hawaii.
She sells C shells down by the seashore.
%
Math professor, "Just because I’m 49 doesn’t mean I’m not cool."
Student, "No, it means you’re a square."
%
The movie “Speed” didn’t have a director.
Because if "Speed" had direction, it would've been called “Velocity”.
%
I've been a programmer here for 48 consecutive password changes.
%
My son is obsessed with the difference between sine and cosine.
I’m not worried though. It’s just a phase.
%
"Eleven Plus Two" is an anagram for "Twelve Plus One".
%
This year’s Fibonacci convention will be as big as the last two put together.
%
The difference between a million degrees and a billion degrees is just about a billion degrees.
%
Perhaps geometry jokes are for squares?
%
Quantum Mechanics is God's version of "Trust me."
%
Your brain has 86 billion neurons.
Really makes you think.
%
Mechanical Engineers design weapons.
Civil engineers design targets.
%
Software QA specialists are pro-testers.
%
You can have my LINUX system when you pry it from my cold, dead fingers.
%
BASIC is a high level languish.&ensp;APL is a high level anguish.
%
Assembler programmers are down in the dumps.
%
Premature optimization is the root of all evil.
-- D.E. Knuth
%
What's the difference between a Seal and a Sea Lion?
Just an extra electron.
%
Topology is such an ironic branch of mathematics.
It gets so deep but never goes beyond the surface.
%
It's a poor scientist who blames their equipment.
%
I just realized the word "seven" has "even" in it.
That's odd.
%
I prefer studying Math more than English,
because fractions speak louder than verbs.
%
After the lecture, I asked my professor, “What happened before The Big Bang?”
He replied, “Sorry. There’s no time.”
%
In space, no one can hear you fart.
%
Beware the new TTY code!
%
Dad jokes make me numb. Dad math jokes make me number.
%
I'm really good at drawing perpendicular lines.
My skill is unparalleled.
%
The church saves sinners, but science seeks to stop their manufacture.
-- Elbert Hubbard
%
A figure with curves always offers a lot of interesting angles.
%
This is clearly another case of too many mad scientists, and not enough hunchbacks.
%
Old network admins never die.
They just go offline.
%
Paleontologists really dig their work.
%
If you commit 90 sins, you will be caught half the time.
Because sin 90 = cot 45
%
This screen intentionally left blank.
%
<font face=sans-serif>RADIO SHACK LEVEL II BASIC READY</font> <b>&gt;_</b>
%
Quantum Physics is neither here nor there.
%
A misplaced decimal can make things 100 times worse.
%
Hydrocarbon chains are into bondage.
%
The program isn't fully debugged until the last user has died.
%
Things are not always #000000 and #FFFFFF
%
Math Quiz: Solve the equation where <b>X</b> equals the probability 
you'll ever use algebra after high school.
%
If I were to have a super power, I think I'd like it to be Inertia.
%
I can't count how many problems I have;
because math is one of them.
%
It's all fun and games until someone divides by zero.
%
I see you have graph paper.
You must be plotting something.
%
What happens in a black hole stays in a black hole.
%
Let us pause for a moment of science...
%
Rose are red. Roses are blue.
Depending on the velocity relative to you.
%
3 + 3 &divide; 3 = 1 &emsp;&emsp;It's precedence!
%
Fibonacci -- it's as easy as 1, 1, 2, 3
%
Friends don't let friends divide by zero.
%
Science: taking all the fun out of guessing.
%
I wish life was as simple as calculus.
%
I'm an archaeologist, and my life is in ruins.
%
Research is to see what everybody else has seen,
and think what nobody else has thought.
%
Don't even ask about Schrodinger's dog.
%
Mistakes allow thinking to happen.
%
Every disaster movie starts with someone ignoring a scientist.
%
Chemistry is like cooking.
Just don't lick the spoon.
%
Back in my day we had 9 planets.
%
The tree of research must, from time to time, be refreshed with the blood of bean counters.
-- Alan Kay
%
I once wrote code in ForTran-4. After some time, I saw it was now ForTran-77.
I cannot believe I didn't see the announcements of the previous 73 versions!
%
What's&ensp;1,431,951,134&ensp;in base 36?
It's&ensp;no&thinsp;joke
%
Forty two.
%
what is 1515413 in base 36.
%
Without data, you're just another person with an opinion.
%
Algebra was easy for ancient Roman students.
<b>X</b> was always equal to 10.
%
"I have just one word for you, my boy ... plastics."
-- from "The Graduate"
%
I was quizzed on acidic solution neutralization techniques.
It was pretty basic.
%
I would tell you a DNS joke but be advised,
it would take up to 24 hours for everyone to get it.
%
Where do mathematicians get their kicks?
On 8.12403840463596
%
What is mind? No matter. What is matter? Never mind.
-- Thomas Hewitt Key, 1799-1875
%
There are never any bugs you haven't found yet.
%
I like hearing chemistry puns.
Periodically, of course.
%
When I eat ribs, I only eat ribs 2, 3, 5, 7 and 11.
I only eat prime ribs.
%
I want to name our son Kelvin, but my wife is dead set against it.
I asked what were the chances she'd change her mind. "Absolute zero!"
%
My son finally learned about Einstein's Theory of Relativity.
<b>Well,</b> I thought ... it's about time.
%
A computer without COBOL and Fortran is like chocolate cake without ketchup and mustard.
%
Pohl's law: Nothing is so good that somebody, somewhere, will not hate it.
%
A fail-safe circuit will destroy others.
-- Klipstein
%
Few folks understand Roman Numerals.
But I is one.
%
If you combine hydrogen and oxygen you can make water.
Or, you can just turn on the faucet.
%
I would rather have questions that cannot be answered...
...than to have answers that cannot be questioned.
-- Richard Feynman
%
I rarely use my K-band oscillator.
But when I do ... hertz like crazy.
%
I injured myself measuring radio frequencies.
Still hertz...
%
Pie are not square. Pie are round. Cornbread are square.
%
Scientists finally discovered what a woman wants.
But, before they could publish, she changed her mind.
%
Scientists have grown artificial vocal cords in a Petri dish.
The results speak for themselves.
%
My dad was a lot like calculus.
I didn't understand that either.
%
The eleventh commandment was "Thou Shalt Compute" or "Thou Shalt Not Compute".
I forget which.
%
Orion's belt is a huge waist of space.
(A stellar joke, indeed.)
%
My girlfriend is the square root of -100.
She's a perfect 10, but also imaginary. Our relationship is complex.
%
Natural laws have no pity.
%
A programming language is low level when its programs require attention to the irrelevant.
%
Do you know what's really odd?
Numbers not divisible by two.
%
As far as I know, my computer has never had an undetected error.
%
Row, row, row your bits, gently down the stream...
%
Space tells matter how to move and matter tells space how to curve.
%
My Wife asked me to take the spider out instead of killing him.
Went out. Had a few drinks. Nice guy. He's a web designer.
%
This is a bad chemistry joke, because all the good ones argon.
%
BASIC is the Computer Science equivalent of `Scientific Creationism'.
%
Avoid strange women and temporary variables.
%
I can do Algebra, maybe even a little Geometry, but graphing?
That's where I draw the line.
%
If you have any trouble sounding condescending,
ask a UNIX user to show you how it's done.
%
Make it right before you make it faster.
%
One of my most productive days was throwing away 1000 lines of code.
-- Ken Thomson
%
I met a microbiologist yesterday..
He was much larger than I expected.
%
The use of anthropomorphic terminology when dealing with computing systems
is a symptom of professional immaturity.
-- Edsger Dijkstra
%
Circles are pointless.
%
Somebody's terminal is dropping bits.
I found a pile of them behind the router.
%
I don't think I got the job at Google.
They haven't responded to my telegram.
%
IBM was asked to develop a data encryption standard.
And ... they came up with EBCDIC!
%
Old QA testers never die.
They just run in the background.
%
Logic is the chastity belt of the mind!
%
Using fractions instead of decimals is pointless.
%
I'm not so sure about our new lab technician.
She put lemon wedges on all the beakers.
%
Good grief! Stop researching for a while and begin to think!
%
Real Users hate Real Programmers.
%
"Open the pod bay doors, HAL."
-- Dave Bowman, 2001
%
I have a fear of pi.
But I am pretty sure it is irrational.
%
Nobody said computers were going to be polite.
%
If it weren't for electricity,
we'd all be watching television by candlelight.
%
Old programmers never die.
They become poor managers.
%
All the instruments looking for intelligent life forms point <i>away</i> from Earth.
%
Pop Quiz: Are you even good enough to have Impostor Syndrome?
%
Real programmers don't write in BASIC.
Actually, no programmers write in BASIC after reaching puberty.
%
A triangle which has an angle of 135 degrees is called an obscene triangle.
%
The best way to accelerate a Microsoft PC is at 9.8 meters per second per second.
%
Microbiologists try not to let the little things get to them.
%
The moon is a planet just like the Earth, only it is even deader.
%
When watching instructional videos about torque wrenches,
remember the camera always adds 10 pounds.
%
Geometry teachers put Rubik's cubes in their ice tea.
%
Periodically I refer to Mendeleev's Table of the Elements.
%
BIG data engineers use XL spreadsheets.
There's no SQL to this joke.
%
If Math is mathematical, and Statistics are statistical --
then what are Tests??
%
Maybe Pavlov remembered to feed his dog every time he heard a bell ring.
%
Inheritance: The object-oriented way to become wealthy.
%
The best book on programming for the layman is "Alice in Wonderland".
But that's because it's the best book on anything for the layman.
%
Assembler programmers do it bit by bit.
%
There's a lounge just down the street from Google.
It's called The Foo Bar.
%
Police stopped a suspicious neutron.
Eventually he wasn't charged with anything.
%
My dog ate my programming homework...
It took him several bytes.
%
One hypothesis proposes that we live in a simulated reality.
I think I'm stuck in a computer game with no joy stick.
%
Ya know.... I can see your browser history from here.
%
I'm not too worried about being replaced by A.I.
A.I. can't grovel as well as I can.
%
You had mail, but it was read by root, and deleted!
%
Time sharing: The use of many people by the computer.
%
Almost anything derogatory you could say about
today's software design would be accurate.
-- K.E. Iverson
%
Source code documentation is like sex: when it is good, it is very, very good.
And when it is bad, it is better than nothing.
%
You may be a Geek -- if you own more computers than neckties.
%
Nobody's gonna believe that Artificial Intelligence is real
until it starts coming in late and lying about it.
%
Fundamentally, there may be no basis for anything.
%
My ex-girlfriend was like pi&thinsp;+&thinsp;√-5
Irrational and complex.
%
Two rabbits escaped from the zoo.
So far they have only recaptured 128 of them.
%
My system password is 'fortnight'.
Do you think it's two week?
%
Quality Control is the process of testing one out of every 1,000 units
to make sure that at least one out of 100 works.
%
You can't go home again, unless you set $HOME.
%
"Take me to your algorithm."
%
Two math teachers shared an apartment rental.
They understood cosign.
%
How does one pronounce "unionized"?
It depends on whether you're a tradesman or a chemist.
%
The secret to being a project manager is to give'em a number or give'em a date,
but never give'em both at once.
%
Science Tidbit: Heat makes things expand.
That's why days are longer in the summer.
%
Your own mileage may vary.
%
If in any problem you find yourself doing an immense amount of work,
the answer can be obtained by simple inspection.
%
Engineers have a great ambition to build something that will last,
at least until they've finished building it.
%
Mean girls aren't as bad as people say.
In reality, they're just about average.
%
Assumption is the mother of all screw-ups.
%
Eighty percent of all people consider themselves to be above average drivers.
%
Parts that positively cannot be assembled in improper order will be.
%
"I'd love to go out with you,
but I'm converting my smart watch from Julian to Gregorian."
%
Every program has two purposes --
one for which it was written and another for which it was not.
%
If Murphy's Law can go wrong, it will.
%
Graduate life -- it's not just a job, it's an indenture.
%
Klein bottle for sale ... inquire within.
%
Today I'm installing a new operating system, then tearing my hair out when it fails.
It's not as much fun as it sounds.
%
It's not an optical illusion, it just looks like one.
-- Phil White
%
God made the integers; all else is the work of Man.
-- Kronecker
%
C Code. C Code Run. Run, Code, RUN! PLEASE!!!!
%
Put no trust in in a program's cryptic comments.
%
Mommy, what happens to your files when you die?
%
Technically, alcohol is a solution.
%
Our friends are both computer professionals.
Their child's first words were "modem" and "data".
%
Another megabytes the dust.
%
Roses are red, violets are blue.
Compile terminated: Error on line 2
%
Every machine is a smoke machine if you use it wrong enough.
%
I don't usually make mathematical puns.
But I'll make one if I halve two.
%
BASIC is to computer programming as QWERTY is to typing.
%
Real computer scientists don't comment their code.
The identifiers are already so long they can barely afford the disk space.
%
So, 90% of an iceberg is below the surface of the water.
So what? 100% of the water is below the surface, too.
%
Human beings were created by water to transport it uphill.
%
If you keep differentiating, you'll fly off on a tangent.
%
If you believe computers can think,
you probably believe submarines can swim.
%
If a listener nods his head when you're explaining your program, wake him up.
%
What should a drowning programmer do?
He should make a pull request.
%
Two gas atoms are jostling. One says, "Oh shoot! I lost an electron!"
The second says "Are you sure?" &emsp; "Yeah, I'm positive!"
%
There are more hydrogen atoms in a single molecule of water
than there are stars in the entire solar system.
%
There are about 6<i>e</i>23 avocados in a guacamole.
%
There's a difference between a computer salesman and a car salesman.
The car salesman knows he's lying.
%
Protractors used in measuring negative angles are called contractors.
%
If Machiavelli were a programmer, he'd have worked for the cable company.
%
RAM wasn't built in a day.
%
It's claimed that we use only 10 percent of our brains.
Imagine what we could accomplish if we used the other 60 percent.
%
Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.
%
Enter new password.&emsp; chicken
Password must contain at least one capital.&emsp; chicken Kiev
%
All my passwords are protected by "Amnesia".
%
A scammer called and said they had all my passwords.
What great news! I told them I needed a copy.
%
At a funeral I asked the priest for the WiFi password.
He said, "Have some respect for the dead!"
I replied, "Is that all lower case?"
%
It's okay password ... I'm insecure too.
%
"Sorry, you cannot use the same password as the SysAdmin."
%
There are three kinds of people: men, women, and unix.
%
A hundred thousand Pascals walk into a Bar.
You should have been there -- it was quite an atmosphere.
%
C for yourself.
%
I started my career as an accountant and mutated to be a tech geek.
Best part? No need to change my personality.
%
In life, pure coincidences are statistically common,
so a remarkable day is one where no coincidences occur at all.
-- Neil deGrasse Tyson
%
There are 3 ways to attempt to stick in an USB flash drive:
The first way, the wrong way and the right way.
%
egrep patterns are full regular expressions.
It uses a fast deterministic algorithm that sometimes needs exponential space.
-- UNIX manuals
%
Have you <b>re</b>considered a computer career?
%
Wernher von Braun settled for a V-2 when he could've had a V-8.
%
I'd rather just believe that it's done by little elves running around.
%
Every galaxy is just a spin-off of the Big Bang.
%
An algorithm must be seen to be believed.
-- D.E. Knuth
%
Schrodinger was at the vet to pick up his cat.
The vet says, "I have good news and I have bad news."
%
Nothing is finished until the paperwork is done.
%
"What if" is a trademark of Hewlett Packard,
so stop using it without permission, or risk being sued.
%
Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives.
%
The only idea that flat-earthers fear is sphere itself.
%
Extra credit question:
What is the exact latitude &amp; longitude of the earth's core?
%
I wonder if birds call aircraft "Cultural Appropriation"?
%
I've plotted all my past relationships on a graph.
It has an "ex" axis and a "why" axis.
%
Never ask two questions in a technical email.
The reply will address the first, and say nothing about the other.
%
Why does the Zoom company have offices?
%
Many people believe programmers practice witchcraft,
because they know how to hex a decimal.
%
Real Programmers don't eat quiche.
They eat Twinkies and Szechuan food.
%
If you find a bug in our software, please submit an issue here.
If we like it enough, you'll be credited for the feature.
%
Memory fault - where am I?
%
You're using a keyboard! How quaint!
%
We are experiencing system trouble -- do not adjust your terminal.
%
Congratulations! You are the 1,000,000 user to log into our system.
If there's anything special we can do for you, don't hesitate to ask!
%
Why have we named every moon in our solar system but our own?
%
You can always tell if a programmer is an extrovert.
That's because they will look at <i>your</i> shoes when they talk to you!
%
The three most dangerous things in the world are a programmer with a soldering iron,
a hardware engineer with a software patch, and a user with an idea.
%
There are three kinds of lies: Lies, damned lies, and benchmarks.
%
The computer is mightier than the pen, the sword, and usually, the programmer.
%
Programming is 10% science, 20% ingenuity,
and 70% getting the ingenuity to work with the science.
%
My math teacher said I was average. How mean!
%
I found some 2% milk in the fridge.
But I can't find the charger for it.
%
I'm seeing math problems posted on Facebook like it's a game.
Look, if you need help with your homework, just say that.
%
At first I didn't like bacteriology.
But it eventually grew on me.
%
If the vending machine doesn't sell it, programmers don't eat it.
Vending machines don't sell quiche.
%
I was accused of scraping the entire Wikipedia website.
Fortunately I can explain everything.
%
Whomever wakes up and finds themselves a success, hasn't been asleep.
%
I never break the rules.
I just test their elasticity.
%
When your only tool is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.
%
Men &amp; women love to wonder, and that is the seed of science.
%
My math teacher has some unusual Bonsai trees.
They all have square roots!
%
Torque is cheap.
%
When a man sits with a pretty girl for an hour, it seems like a minute.
But let him sit in the DMV for a minute -- and it's longer than any hour.
That's relativity.
%
According to the latest official figures,
43% of all statistics are totally worthless.
%
Is a computer language with goto's totally Wirth-less?
%
The best defense against logic is ignorance.
%
I have hardly ever known a mathematician who was capable of reasoning.
-- Plato
%
Talk is cheap. Show me the code.
-- Linus Torvalds
%
"I think I just divided something by zero!"
Something you don't want to hear your autonomous car say!
%
Computer programmers never die.
They just get lost in the processing.
%
Chemist who falls in acid will be tripping for weeks.
%
The best way to accelerate a Windows PC is at 9.8 meters per second per second.
%
10 to the minus 6th power Movie = 1 Microfilm
%
Real programs don't eat cache.
%
Over the shoulder supervision is more a need of the manager than the programming task.
%
Vital lab reports will demonstrate their vitality
by moving from where you left them to where you can't find them.
%
There is never time to do it right, but always time to do it over.
%
x = ( −b &plusmn; &radic;(b&sup2; -4ac) )&thinsp;/&thinsp;2a
But I don't want to bore you with my problem.
%
Speed of a tortoise breaking the sound barrier = 1 Machturtle
%
The advance of Artificial Intelligence doesn't concern me.
What concerns me is the decline of real intelligence.
%
Caller, "It doesn't have tail, so I'm pretty sure it's a hamster."
Tech-support, "OK. Fine. Right-click on the hamster."
%
Time is an illusion perpetrated by the manufacturers of space.
%
It seems that more and more mathematicians
are using a new, high level language named "research student".
%
Marie Curie was a beautiful scientist.
She became more radiant everyday.
%
Measure twice, cut once.
%
"One Architecture, One OS" also translates as "One Egg, One Basket".
%
Irrigation of the land with seawater desalinated by fusion power is ancient.
It's called 'rain'.
%
A <i>Civil</i> Engineer is one who never shouts "@$!!?@%$!" when his bridge collapses.
%
Biology is the only science in which multiplication means the same thing as division.
%
I just learned they're not making yard sticks any longer.
%
You've been programming too much when you misdate a check and add "++" to correct it.
%
Chemistry professors never die.
They just fail to react.
%
Always leave room to add an explanation if it doesn't work out.
%
Science sale: Electrons: 10 &cent; , Protons: 10 &cent; , Neutrons: free of charge
%
My theory on inertia doesn't seem to be gaining momentum.
%
Protons, neutrons and electrons are the little things that matter.
%
A photon checks in at the airport. "Any luggage?"
"No. I'm traveling light."
%
"You can bring any calculator you like to the final exam,
 as long as it doesn't dim the lights when you turn it on."
%
A neutrino walks through a bar...
%
An optometry class is full of pupils.
%
In any formula, constants (especially those obtained from handbooks)
are to be treated as variables.
%
Make it myself? But I'm a physical organic chemist!
%
You never finish a program, you just stop working on it.
%
Real Users never use the Help key.
%
Force needed to accelerate 2.2lbs of cookies = 1 Fig-newton to 1 meter per second
%
Sometimes the only solution is to find a new problem.
%
What's nice about a boolean is even if you are wrong, you're only off by a bit.
%
If a polymer chain has one end, then it has another.
%
Steinbach's Guideline for Systems Programming:
Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle.
%
'Tis a favorite pastime of mine
A new value for π to assign.
&emsp;I like to use 3,
&emsp;For it's easier, you see,
Than 3.14159.
%
A dozen, a gross and a score,
Plus three times the square-root of four,
&emsp;Divided by seven,
&emsp;Plus five times eleven,
Is nine squared and not a bit more.
%
Some people can't sleep because they have insomnia.
I can't sleep because I have WiFi.
%
There are no data that cannot be plotted on a straight line,
if the axes are chosen correctly.
%
This is the theory that Jack built.
This is the flaw that lay in the theory that Jack built.
This is the palpable verbal haze that hid the flaw that lay in...
%
Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
%
I tried cyber-crime,
but I missed the human contact.
%
Lab equipment will be damaged in direct proportion to its value.
%
Artificial Intelligence is something that really worries me.
In the good old days, my main worry was artificial sweetener.
%
Let's organize this thing and take all the fun out of it.
%
Hacking is just another word for nothing left to kludge.
%
God made machine language; all the rest is the work of man.
%
Alexander Graham Bell is alive and well in New York.
And he is still waiting for a dial tone.
%
My car just texted me!
It wants an oil change.
%
If you delete your browser history, ate you doomed to repeat it?
%
My newest invention has evoked zero interest.
It's a solar-powered pacemaker.
%
I am the wandering glitch -- catch me if you can.
%
The authority of an engineer is inversely proportional
to the number of pens in their pocket protector.
%
Can you remember back before 'social media'?
Back when everything was science-based?
%
Hackers are just a migratory life form with a tropism for computers.
%
The person who makes no mistakes does not usually make anything.
%
1,000,000 pains = 1 Megahertz
%
Artificial Intelligence is becoming so wide spread.
Makes you wonder if reasoning is still an option.
%
Math is 80% boredom and 40% frustration.
%
I'm thinking of becoming a math teacher.
There are a lot of pluses and minuses.
%
I was getting a car loan, so I went to trig class.
I needed someone to cosine.
%
Maybe earth is a beta site.
%
Real programmers don't comment their code.
If it was hard to write, it should be hard to understand.
%
The devil finds work for idle electronic circuits to do.
%
Programming is easy.
You simply sit, staring at a terminal, until drops of blood form on your forehead.
%
A chemist is a solution's way of knowing about liquids.
%
UNIX is many things to many people, but it's never been everything to anybody.
%
Is knowledge knowable? If not, how do we know that?
%
He died how he lived: untangling his earbuds.
%
System going down at midnight to install new bugs.
%
How much net work could a network work, if a network could net work?
%
Why do we want intelligent terminals when there are so many stupid users?
%
I'm all for computer dating.
But I wouldn't want one to marry my sister.
%
Life is cheap, but the accessories can kill you.
%
Heisenberg might have been here.
%
Any programming language is at its best before it is implemented and used.
%
The college is going to provide WiFi at the Aquatic Center.
It's by a company called, "IP in Pools".
%
Never trust a computer you can't repair yourself.
%
My phone should know if the passcode is entered incorrectly 3 times, it's me!
%
RADIO SHACK LEVEL II BASIC READY >_
%
In computing, the mean time to failure keeps getting shorter.
%
If graphics hackers are so smart, why can't they get the bugs out of fresh paint?
%
Machines that have broken down will work perfectly when the repairman arrives.
%
Programmers do it beta.
%
2.4 statute miles of surgical tubing at Yale Univ. = 1 I.V.League
%
The moving cursor writes, and having writ, blinks on.
%
My laptop tells me it wants me to update.
My laptop expects too much of me.
%
Never get into a argument with a physicist about the size of the universe.
It goes on forever.
%
I have a make shift job at a computer keyboard factory
%
Doug Engelbart, inventor of the computer mouse, died at age 88.
It's shame they couldn't right click and save him.
%
I don't see the point of a pocket calculator,
who doesn't know how many pockets they have?
%
Standards are great!
And, there's so many to choose from!
%
No user-serviceable parts inside
Refer to qualified service personnel.
%
The universe is all a spin-off of the Big Bang.
%
The UCLA Statistics Department; where mean is normal, and deviation standard.
%
All Finagle Laws can be circumvented by simply doing without thinking.
%
Who cares if it doesn't do anything?
It was made with our new Triple-ISO-Bifurcated-Krypton-Gate-MOS process...
%
Matter will be damaged in direct proportion to its value.
%
Shouldn't "imaginary numbers" and "irrational numbers" be renamed to something less judgmental?
%
Fast, cheap, good: pick two.
%
I often wonder about Thomas Edison.
What went off in his head before he invented the light bulb?
%
Building a better mousetrap merely results in smarter mice.
%
A programmer received a new pair of glasses.
Now she can C#.
%
Remember the good old days, when CPU was singular?
%
I bought a new AI-enabled electric stove.
Every time I attempt to cook, it orders pizza online.
%
Every nonzero finite dimensional inner product space has an orthonormal basis.
It makes sense, when you don't think about it.
%
Optimization hinders evolution.
%
Old&nbsp;UNIX programmers never die.
They just hit the inode limit.
%
Writing software is more fun than working.
%
"Virtual" means never knowing where your next byte is coming from.
%
Air is water with holes in it.
%
Two days of trials and errors...
...will save you a whopping 15 minutes of reading the documentation.
%
Statistics means never having to say you're certain.
%
How many QA engineers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three: 1 to screw it in &amp; 2 to say "I told you so" when it doesn't work.
%
Inexperienced programmers are down in the dumps.
%
Blast From The Past: How we view a supernova.
%
Even bytes get lonely for a little bit.
%
Prototype designs always work.
-- Don Vonada
%
Digital circuits are made from analog parts.
-- Don Vonada
%
No amount of careful research will ever replace dumb luck.
%
There is no distinction between any AI program and some existent game.
%
How many hardware guys does it take to change a light bulb?
"Well the diagnostics say it's fine. So it must be a software problem."
%
Counting in binary is just like counting in decimal -- if you're all thumbs.
%
The universe is an island,
surrounded by whatever it is that surrounds universes.
%
The Hobbits had a very advanced computer network.
It was a Tolkien Ring...
%
100.0 times 0.01 is hardly ever 1.0
%
Seems the overwhelming defense against logic is ignorance.
%
Take an astronaut to launch.
%
My sister-in-law uses an 'app' to help with birth control.
I like to think of it as "The Algorithm Method".
%
The meat is rotten, but the booze is holding out.
AI rendering of "The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak."
%
What the gods would destroy they first submit to an IEEE standards committee.
%
I'm still waiting for the advent of the computer science groupie.
%
Evolution is a million line computer program falling into place by chance.
%
A bug in the hand is better than one as yet undetected.
%
If it crawls, it's biology.
If it smells, it's chemistry.
If it doesn't work, it's physics.
%
As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.
%
Real Users never know what they want,
but they always know when your program doesn't deliver it.
%
A little experience often upsets a lot of theory.
%
<code>/* Haley */</code>
&emsp;&emsp;&emsp;(Haley's comment.)
%
1 Mole = 25 Cagey Bees
%
Adding features does not necessarily increase functionality.
It just makes the manuals thicker.
%
The only thing cheaper than hardware is talk.
%
To err is human; to forgive, beyond the scope of the Operating System.
%
Artificial Intelligence: puppets that pull their own strings.
%
10 to the minus 6th power mouthwashes = 1 Microscope
%
One man's "magic" is another man's engineering.
-- Robert Heinlein
%
Without life, Biology itself would be impossible.
%
1 Mole = 007 Secret Agents
%
The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl.
-- David Barry
%
Statistics are often used as a drunk uses lampposts
--- for support rather than illumination.
%
If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs,
then the first woodpecker to come along would destroy civilization.
%
My password is the last 12 digits of Euler's Number.
%
Leveraging always beats prototyping.
%
Mathematicians stand on each other's shoulders.
-- Gauss
%
3500 Calories = 1 Food Pound
%
I was struck by lightning when I was in the army.
For which I received a <i>good conduct</i> medal.
%
To understand a program you must become both the machine and the program.
%
The steady state of disks is full.
-- Ken Thompson
%
Real Users never use the [HELP] key.
%
Computers most certainly are male.
The smallest virus renders them helpless.
%
I love my microbiology department!
The staph is great, and the culture is highly infectious!
%
The library hosts a study group of young female statisticians.
They are sum mean girls!
%
I'm really fast with math calculations.
Really fast -- but rarely correct.
%
If it weren't for Thomas Edison,
we'd all be watching TV in the dark.
%
A ForTran compiler is the hobgoblin of little minis.
%
They are called computers simply because computation is the only significant job that has so far been given to them.
%
10 to the 6th power Bicycles = 2 megacycles
%
You can be replaced by this computer.
%
We warn the reader in advance that the proof presented here
depends on a clever but highly unmotivated trick.
-- Howard Anton, <font size="2">"Elementary Linear Algebra"</font>
%
A computer without COBOL and ForTran is like a piece of chocolate cake without ketchup and mustard.
%
You don't have to know how the computer works, just how to work the computer.
%
This silly quip has been double ROT-13 encoded for security.
%
The Microsoft CEO recently referred to LINUX as a cancer.
That's incorrect; LINUX was released on 25-Aug-91 &amp; thus is a Virgo.
%
I just broke up with my mathematician girlfriend.
She seemed obsessed with an <b>X</b>.
%
Information is the inverse of entropy.
%
Sentient plasmoids are a gas.
%
Programming is an unnatural act.
%
A hacker does for love what others would not do for money.
%
Progress means replacing a theory that is wrong with one more subtly wrong.
%
To write good code is a worthy challenge, and a source of civilized delight.
%
Real Users will find the one combination of bizarre input values
that'll shut down the system for days.
%
My 'smart' fridge took out a restraining order against me.
%
Real computer scientists like having a computer on their desk.
How could they read their mail?
%
I'm often intimidated by exponents.
They're always in a position of power.
%
There are only 10 types of binary jokes.
%
It's ten o'clock... Do you know where your AI programs are?
-- Peter Oakley
%
I took Binary 101 in college, but failed it miserably.
Turns out..it was a Level 5 course.
%
The devil finds work for idle circuits to do.
%
This year's Fibonacci convention is going to be very special.
Apparently it'll be as big as the last two put together.
%
During my calculus test, I sat between identical twins.
It was hard to differentiate between them.
%
Sadly, 3 out of 2 people have difficulties with fractions.
%
Three out of four people make up 75% of the world's population.
%
Quantum Mechanics is God's version of "Trust me".
%
Round Numbers are always false.
-- Samuel Johnson
%
An ounce of prevention is worth a ton of code.
-- an anonymous programmer
%
If at first you don't succeed, you must be a programmer.
%
The less time planning, the more time programming.
%
[We] use bad software and bad machines for the wrong things.
-- R.W. Hamming
%
Disc space -- the final frontier!
%
It was a misconfiguration of the power circuit.
The instrument was not plugged in.
%
My father-in-law originally thought an iPod was a one-legged tripod.
%
If it wasn't for Newton, we wouldn't have to eat bruised apples.
%
The UNIX philosophy basically involves giving you enough rope to hang yourself.
And then a couple of feet more, just to be sure.
%
Within a computer, natural language is unnatural.
%
Engineering without management is art.
-- Jeff Johnson
%
1 Sagan = Billions &amp; Billions
%
I hear folks talking about a "Serial Port".
Is that some kind of wine you have with breakfast?
%
Systems programmers are the high priests of a low cult.
-- R.S. Barton
%
Science is to computer science as hydrodynamics is to plumbing.
%
The road to hell is paved with NAND gates.
-- J. Gooding
%
Nature, to be commanded, must be obeyed.
-- Francis Bacon
%
Disraeli was pretty close: actually, there are Lies, Damn lies,
Statistics, Benchmarks, and Delivery dates.
%
Profanity is the one language all programmers know best.
%
The reason computer chips are so small is computers don't eat much.
%
On the eighth day, God created ForTran.
%
If God had intended Man to program, we'd be born with serial I/O ports.
%
Long computations which yield zero are probably all for naught.
%
Man must shape his tools lest they shape him.
-- Arthur R. Miller
%
One half large intestine = 1 Semicolon
%
Eye candy can be nice but if its hiding stuff that doesn't work, its an eyesore.
%
Maybe I should go check on those Farmville crops I planted in 2009.
%
Most public domain software is free, at least at first glance.
%
Researchers have found that rats posses an imagination.
Well ... not the one I work for!
%
God is real, unless declared integer.
%
There is not now, and never will be, a language in which
it is the least bit difficult to write bad programs.
%
Facts are stubborn, but statistics are more pliable.
%
When people say they hate computers,
they really mean they hate inept programmers.
%
You know you've landed gear-up when it takes full power to taxi.
%
I took an equal opportunity Calculus class -- it was fully integrated.
%
White dwarf seeks red giant for binary relationship.
%
The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance.
%
There <i>is</i> no such thing as a civil engineer.
%
The purpose of Physics 101 is to make the engineers realize that they're not perfect.
And to make the rest of the students realize that they're not engineers.
%
The solution of this problem is trivial,
and is left as an exercise for the reader.
%
The solution to this problem is casual to the most obvious observer.
%
No amount of genius can overcome a preoccupation with detail.
%
Parallel lines never meet, unless you bend one or both of them.
%
Neutrinos have bad breadth.
%
I have a theory that it's impossible to prove anything,
but I can't prove it.
%
My geometry teacher was often acute, and often obtuse, but always, he was right.
[<i>That's an interesting angle. I wonder if there are any parallels?</i>]
%
Gravity gets me down.
%
For large values of one, one equals two -- for small values of two.
%
Friction is such a drag.
%
1 + 1 = 3, for large values of 1.
%
For large values of 1, 1 equals 2 -- for small values of 2.
%
Factorials were someone's attempt to make math <i>look</i> exciting.
%
There's an indigenous tribe that worship the number zero.
Is nothing sacred?
%
Plan to throw one away. You will anyway.
-- Fred Brooks
%
The question of whether computers can think
is just like the question of whether submarines can swim.
-- Edsger W. Dijkstra
%
As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not certain.
And as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality.
-- Albert Einstein
%
In specifications, Murphy's Law supersedes Ohm's.
%
Computer programs expand so as to fill available memory.
%
Programming is 10% writing code and 90% understanding why it doesn't work.
%
Behind every great computer sits a skinny little geek.
%
Why do we want intelligent devices when there are so many stupid users?
%
What the scientists have in their briefcases is terrifying.
-- Nikita Khrushchev
%
We are confronted with insurmountable opportunities.
-- Pogo
%
The goal of Computer Science is to build something that will last
at least until we've finished building it.
%
Everyone can be taught to sculpt: Michelangelo would have had to be
taught how <u>not</u> to. So it is with the great programmers.
%
Everything should be built top-down, except the first time.
%
A computer, to print out a fact,
Will divide, multiply, and subtract.
&emsp;&emsp; But this output can be
&emsp;&emsp; No more than debris,
If the input was short of exact.
%
Unless the results are known in advance, funding agencies will reject the proposal.
%
Electrocution: Burning at the stake with all the modern improvements.
%
Laws of Experimentation:
&emsp;&emsp; 1. If reproducibility may be a problem, conduct the test only once.
&emsp;&emsp; 2. If a straight line fit is required, obtain only two data points.
%
You have the capacity to learn from mistakes.
You'll learn a lot today.
%
Q: How many IBM CPU's does it take to do a logical right shift?
A: 33.&nbsp; 1 to hold the bits and 32 to push the register.
%
The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up
in the morning, and does not stop until you get to the lab.
%
Those who can, do. Those who can't, simulate.
%
If you explain so clearly that nobody can misunderstand, somebody will.
%
Any experiment worth doing is worth overdoing
%
A very intelligent turtle
Found programming UNIX a hurdle
&emsp;&emsp; The system, you see,
&emsp;&emsp; Ran as slow as did he,
And that's not saying much for the turtle.
%
It is well known that research causes cancer in rats.
%
186,282 Miles per Second. It's not just a good idea. IT'S THE LAW.
%
"There is no statute of limitations on stupidity."
-- Randomly produced by a computer program called Markov3.
%
Do not underestimate the value of print statements for debugging.
Don't have aesthetic convulsions when using them, either.
%
I know engineers. They love to change things.
-- Dr. McCoy
%
A good programmer is known by their comments.
%
If it ain't broke, don't fix it.
%
There are no bugs, only unrecognized features.
%
To be is to program.
%
To think is human, to compute, divine.
%
Don't force it, use a bigger hammer.
%
If it happens once, it's a bug.
If it happens twice, it's a feature.
If it happens more than twice, it's a design philosophy.
%
The bigger the theory the better.
%
Math is like love -- a simple idea but it can get complicated.
-- R. Drake
%
One picture is worth 1024 words.
%
I think of my sister-in-law as Miss Universe.
Because she is expanding every day.
%
365 Days of drinking Lo-Cal beer = 1 Lite-year
%
The Tao doesn't take sides; it gives birth to both wins and losses.
The Guru doesn't take sides; she welcomes both hackers and lusers.
%
COBOL programmers are down in the dumps.
%
Life is difficult because it is non-linear.
%
Never worry about theory as long as the machinery does what it's supposed to do.
-- R. A. Heinlein
%
E = MC<sup>2</sup> &plusmn;3db
%
2000 pounds of Chinese soup = 1 Won Ton
%
Giving out free MS security updates is like giving out
free band-aids with flesh-eating microbes in the pads.
%
If you wish to make an apple pie from scratch,
you must first invent the universe.
-- Carl Sagan
%
It is easier to write an incorrect program than understand a correct one.
%
It is easier to change the specification to fit the program than vice versa.
%
The scientist is not a person who gives the right answers;
he's one who asks the right questions.
-- Claude Levi-Strauss
%
I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life.
It's just been too intelligent to come here.
-- Arthur C. Clarke
%
I'm concerned about our new IT guru.
He is sending handwritten memos via postal mail.
%
If the number 666 is considered evil,
then 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.
%
A bug in the code is worth two in the documentation.
%
A computer scientist is someone who fixes things that aren't broken.
%
I'm fluent in 3 languages: ForTran, COBOL, and BASIC.
%
All the simple programs have been written.
%
The earth is like a tiny grain of sand, only much, much heavier.
%
The aim of science is to seek the simplest explanations of complex facts.
Seek simplicity and distrust it.
-- Whitehead
%
The "I Am Not A Robot" tests are getting quite difficult.
I was asked to find all the pictures with Rutabagas in them.
%
The "I Am Not A Robot" challenges have gotten tough!
I've been using ChatGPT AI to solve them.
%
It's good to be smart, 'cause then you know stuff.
%
Life would be so much easier if we could just look at the source code.
-- Dave Olson
%
1,000,000,000 !
It's not an imaginary number, but it is aspirational.
%
There is something fascinating about science. One gets such wholesale
returns of conjecture out of such a trifling investment of fact.
-- Mark Twain
%
I believe my computer became woke.
It just came out as non binary
%
Resistance is <u>not</u> futile.
It is voltage divided by current.
%
The metal strip in U.S. money is sensitive to RF.
Because it seems to always burn a hole in my pocket.
%
A superconductor enters a bar, "Hey! We don't serve superconductors!"
The superconductor didn't put up any resistance.
%
Radio astronomers do it with frequency.
%
With great power comes great current squared times resistance.
%
<b>Web site:</b> Your password 257EeffQ@# is not secure enough
<b>ATM:</b> 1234 -- Here's your 500 dollars
%
How many Schrödingers does it take to change a light bulb?
You won't know until you try.
%
At a yard sale I saw: "RADIO FOR SALE volume stuck on full"
I thought, "I can't turn that down!"
%
I know lots of jokes about capacitors,
but I'd have to charge for them.
%
Two WiFi engineers got married.
After the wedding, the reception was great!
%
It was suggested to a programmer that he take beta carotene.
He felt it would be best to wait for the full version.
%
I'm returning this book about electrons to the library.
If I don't, there might be a charge.
%
A regular guy thinks a kilobyte has 1000 bites.
A computer geek thinks a kilometer has 1024 meters.
%
I'm collecting battery jokes.
They've got potential.
%
A web designer is filling out a form:
Age: 31
Height: 5'9"
Eye color: #008000
%
There's a new font designed for medical doctors.
They're calling it Illegible Sans.
%
The leading cause of computer problems is computer solutions.
%
A few of us gather each week and discuss antennas.
We call theme radiation therapy sessions.
%
On the tombstone of a computer geek: OFFLINE SINCE 2020.
%
What the difference between the diameter and the radius?
The radius!
%
Two percent of zero is almost nothing.
%
Genetics makes some people more likely to participate in genetic studies
-- actual report in ARS Technica
%
Every solution breeds new problems.
%
Technology is dominated by two types of people:
Those who understand what they do not manage.
Those who manage what they do not understand.
%
355/113 -- Not the famous irrational number PI,
but an incredible approximation!
%
An object in motion will always be headed in the wrong direction.
An object at rest will always be in the wrong place.
%
Test-tube babies shouldn't throw stones.
%
<b>On-line</b> (Adj.), The idea that a human being should always be accessible to a computer.
%
Cloning is the sincerest form of flattery.
%
Starting next week, passwords must be entered in Morse code.
%
Confidence is the feeling you have...
before you understand the situation.
%
Every little picofarad has a nanohenry all its own.
%
Support bacteria -- it's the only culture some people have!
%
The moon may be smaller than Earth, but it's further away.
%
Polymer physicists do it in chains.
%
The First Rule of Program Optimization: Don't do it.
%
Everything put together falls apart sooner or later.
%
Computer programmers do it byte by byte.
%
Life is the whim of several billion cells to be you for a while.
%
SHIFT TO THE LEFT! SHIFT TO THE RIGHT!
PUSH DOWN, POP UP. BYTE, BYTE, BYTE!
%
To iterate is human, to recurse, divine.
%
There's no future in time travel
%
Science is what happens when preconception meets verification.
%
Newton's Fourth Law:
Every action has an equal and opposite satisfaction.
%
Do molecular biologists wear designer genes?
%
Eureka! -- Archimedes
%
Matter cannot be created or destroyed,
nor can it be returned without a receipt.
%
There are three kinds of lies: Lies, Damn Lies, and Statistics.
-- Disraeli
%
Electrical Engineers do it with less resistance.
%
Much of the excitement we get out of our work is that we don't really know what we are doing.
-- E. Dijkstra
%
I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought,
but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.
-- Albert Einstein
%
You can't have great software without a great team,
and most software teams behave like dysfunctional families.
-- Jim McCarthy
%
There are things that are so serious that you can only joke about them.
-- Heisenberg
%
If you can't explain it simply, you don't understand it well enough.
-- Albert Einstein
%
What makes the Universe so hard to comprehend is that there's nothing to compare it with.
%
grep me no patterns and I'll tell you no lines.
%
When I was in school, I cheated on my metaphysics exam.
I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
-- Woody Allen
%
There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life.
-- Frank Zappa
%
Angels are very good at math. That's why they call them arc-angels.
-- Steven Novella (The Skeptics Guide to the Universe)
%
Whom computers would destroy, they must first drive mad.
%
Watch out for off-by-one errors.
%
UNIX <u>is</u> user friendly. It's just selective about who its friends are.
%
Writing in C or C++ is like running a chain saw with all the safety guards removed.
-- Bob Gray
%
When you do not know what you are doing, do it neatly.
%
The first 90% of a project takes 90% of the time.
The last 10% of a project takes the other 90% of the time.
%
Ray's Rule of Precision:
Measure with a micrometer. Mark with chalk. Cut with an axe.
%
A couple of months in the laboratory can frequently save a couple of hours in the library.
%
We will have solar energy as soon as the utility companies solve
one technical problem ― how to run a sunbeam through a meter.
%
Time is nature's way of making sure that everything doesn't happen at once.
Space is nature's way of making sure that everything doesn't happen to you.
%
There are 10 kinds of people.
Those who know binary and those who don't.
%
The flow chart is a most thoroughly oversold piece of program documentation.
-- Frederick Brooks, Jr., The Mythical Man Month
%
Many are the wonders of the Universe, and none so wonderful as Mankind!
-- Sophocles
%
The trouble with programmers is that you can never tell what a programmer is doing until it's too late.
-- Seymour Cray
%
There are no programming bugs, only undocumented features.
%
The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that
heralds new discoveries, is not "Eureka!", but "That's funny ..."
-- Isaac Asimov
%
Programming is an art form that fights back.
%
The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should,
therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.
-- E. W. Dijkstra (1982)
%
The Internet? Is that thing still around?
-- Homer Simpson
%
Programming is 10% science, 25% ingenuity
and 65% getting the ingenuity to work with the science.
%
The goal of science is to build better mousetraps.
The goal of nature is to build better mice.
%
For many years scientists have tried to perfect fault tolerant systems.
Meanwhile, Microsoft profits by exploiting fault tolerant customers.
-- Marvin Jones
%
The Briggs/Chase Law of Program Development: To determine how long it will
take to write and debug a program, take your best estimate, multiply that
by two, add one, and convert to the next higher units.
%
Science has proof without any certainty.
Creationists have certainty without any proof.
-- Ashley Montague
%
Men love to wonder, and that is the seed of science.
%
Optimists say the glass is half full, pessimists say the glass is half empty.
Engineers say the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
%
Parts that positively cannot be assembled out of sequence will be.
%
Those who can't write, write manuals.
%
On a clear disk you can seek forever.
%
Organic chemistry is the chemistry of carbon compounds.
Biochemistry is the study of carbon compounds that crawl.
-- Mike Adams
%
Osborn's Law: Variables won't; constants aren't.
%
There's a reason why computers get more done than people.
They never have to stop and answer the phone.
%
Numeric stability is probably not all that important when you're guessing.
%
New systems generate new problems.
%
Maybe Computer Science should be in the College of Theology.
-- R. S. Barton
%
Most of you are familiar with the virtues of a programmer.
There are three, of course: laziness, impatience, and hubris.
-- Larry Wall
%
Mosher's Law of Software Engineering:
Don't worry if it doesn't work right.
If everything did, you'd be out of a job.
%
There are two ways to write error-free programs.
Only the third one works.
%
Line Printer paper is strongest at the perforations.
%
Make sure all variables are initialized before use.
%
Make sure comments and code agree.
%
Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft,
and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.
-- Wernher von Braun
%
Make sure your code "does nothing" gracefully.
%
Machines take me by surprise with great frequency.
-- Alan Turing
%
Learned men are the cisterns of knowledge, not the fountainheads.
%
Insanity is hereditary. You can catch it from your kids.
-- Erma Bombeck
%
Facts do not cease to exist because they are ignored.
%
Law #1 of Computer Programming
Any given program, when running, is obsolete.
%
Law #2 of Computer Programming
Any given program costs more and takes longer.
%
Law #3 of Computer Programming
If a program is useful, it will have to be changed.
%
Law #4 of Computer Programming
If a program is useless, it will have to be documented.
%
Law #5 of Computer Programming
Any given program will expand to fill all available memory.
%
Law #6 of Computer Programming
The value of a program is proportional to the weight of its output.
%
Law #7 of Computer Programming
Program complexity grows until it exceeds
the capability of the programmer who must maintain it.
%
Law #8 of Computer Programming
Make it possible for programmers to write programs in English,
and you will find that programmers cannot write in English.
%
Klein bottle for rent, apply within.
%
It has been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
%
If entropy is increasing, where is it coming from?
%
If Java had true garbage collection,
most programs would delete themselves upon execution.
-- Robert Sewell
%
If you have a procedure with 10 parameters, you probably missed some.
%
In the face of entropy and nothingness, you kind of have to pretend it's not
there if you want to keep writing good code.
-- Karl
%
If the odds are a million to one against something occurring,
chances are 50-50 it will.
%
A transistor protected by a fast acting fuse will protect the fuse by blowing first.
%
If it has syntax, it isn't user friendly.
%
Hofstadter's Law: It always takes longer than you expect,
even when you take Hofstadter's Law into account.
%
I program, therefore I am.
%
I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them.
-- Isaac Asimov
%
Heuristics are bug ridden by definition.
If they didn't have bugs, then they'd be algorithms.
%
I don't believe in astrology. But then I'm an Aquarius,
and Aquarians don't believe in astrology.
-- James R. F. Quirk
%
Heisenberg may have slept here.
%
Experience is directly proportional to the amount of equipment ruined.
%
Genius: A chemist who discovers a laundry additive that rhymes with "bright".
%
Genetics explains why you look like your father,
and if you don't, why you should.
%
Hardware, (N.) The parts of a computer system that can be kicked.
%
Gray's Law of Programming:
'N+1' trivial tasks are expected to be accomplished in the same time as 'N' tasks.
%
Logg's Rebuttal to Gray's Law:
'N+1' trivial tasks take twice as long as 'N' trivial tasks.
%
God runs electromagnetics by wave theory on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday,
and the Devil runs them by quantum theory on Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday.
-- William Bragg
%
Fourth Law of Thermodynamics:
If the probability of success is not almost one, then it is damn near zero.
-- David Ellis
%
For a really sweet time, call C6H12O6.
%
Field theories, unite!
%
Got Mole problems? Call Avogadro, 6.02 x 10^23
%
Every program is a part of some other program, and rarely fits.
%
Don't diddle code to make it faster, find a better algorithm.
%
Excessive login or logout messages are a sure sign of senility.
%
Every program has at least one bug and can be shortened by at least one
instruction ― from which, by induction, one can deduce that every
program can be reduced to one instruction which doesn't work.
%
Every program has two purposes ― one for which it was written
and another for which it wasn't.
%
Einstein argued that there must be simplified explanations of nature,
because God is not capricious or arbitrary.
No such faith comforts the software engineer.
-- Fred Brooks, Jr.
%
Endless Loop: n., see Loop, Endless.
Loop, Endless: n., see Endless Loop.
%
E Pluribus Unix
%
To differentiate between a chemist and a plumber,
ask each to pronounce "unionized".
%
Duct tape is like The Force. It has a light side, and a dark side,
and it holds the universe together ...
%
Documentation is like sex: when it is good, it is very, very good;
and when it is bad, it is better than nothing.
-- Dick Brandon
%
Don't comment bad code: rewrite it.
%
Don't compare floating point numbers solely for equality.
%
Disc space ― the final frontier!
%
Dimensions will always be expressed in the least usable term.
Velocity, for example, will be expressed in furlongs per fortnight.
%
Debugging is anticipated with distaste, performed with reluctance,
and bragged about forever.
-- button at the Boston Computer Museum
%
Computer Science is merely the post-Turing decline in formal systems theory.
%
Computer Science: the boring art of coping with a large number of trivialities
(The Devil's DP Dictionary)
%
Cannot fork ― try again.
%
Any piece of software reflects the organizational structure that produced it.
%
Bubble Memory, (N.)
A derogatory term, usually referring to a person's
intelligence. See also "vacuum tube".
%
C++ : Where friends have access to your private members.
-- Gavin Russell Baker
%
Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later.
Brook's Law
%
Black holes are where God is dividing by zero.
%
Bringing computers into the home won't change either one,
but may revitalize the corner saloon.
%
If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee.
That will do them in.
%
Biology ... it grows on you.
%
All science is either physics or stamp collecting.
-- E. Rutherford
%
The moment you have worked out an answer,
start checking it. It probably isn't right.
%
Always let an answer cool off for awhile.
It should not be used while hot.
%
Check the answer you have worked out once more,
before you tell it to anybody.
%
Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proved it correct, not tried it.
-- Donald Knuth
%
But it does move!
-- Galileo Galilei
%
1 Dog Pound = 16 oz. of Alpo
%
2 pints = 1 Cavort
%
We have a equal opportunity Calculus class -- it's fully integrated.
%
If there is an opportunity to make a
mistake, sooner or later, the mistake will be made.
%
At the source of every error which is blamed on the computer you will find
at least two human errors, including the error of blaming it on the computer.
%
Back off, man. I'm a scientist.
%
Antimatter doesn't matter as a matter of fact.
-- Piggins
%
Love makes the world go 'round,
with a little help from intrinsic angular momentum.
%
Any given program, when running correctly, is obsolete.
%
All that glitters has a high refractive index.
%
After the last of 16 mounting screws has been removed from an access cover,
it will be discovered that the wrong access cover has been removed.
%
All great ideas are controversial, or have been at one time.
%
After a number of decimal places, nobody gives a damn.
%
All programmers are playwrights and all computers are lousy actors.
%
After any machine or unit has been assembled,
extra components will be found on the bench.
%
A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms.
-- George Wald
%
A sine curve goes off into infinity or at least to the end of the blackboard.
%
A fool must now and then be right by chance.
%
A model is an artifice for helping you convince yourself
that you understand more about a system than you do.
%
80 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot, including this one.
%
A language that doesn't affect the way you think about
programming is not worth knowing.
%
99% of all guys are within one standard deviation of your mom.
%
A LISP programmer knows the value of everything, but the cost of nothing.
%
10.0 times 0.1 is hardly ever 1.0.
%
36 percent of the American public believes that boiling
radioactive milk makes it safe to drink.
-- results of a survey by Jon Miller at No. Ill. Univ.
%
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up!
%
Any code of your own that you haven't looked at for six or more
months might as well have been written by someone else.
-- Eagleson's Law
%
Computer hardware progress is so fast. No other technology
since civilization began has seen six orders of
magnitude in performance-price gain in 30 years.
-- Fred Brooks, Jr.
%
The C Programming Language: A language which combines the flexibility
of assembly language with the power of assembly language.
%
That must be wonderful! I don't understand it at all.
%
Text processing has made it possible to right-justify any idea,
even one which cannot be justified on any other grounds.
-- J. Finnegan
%
I have yet to see any problem, however complicated, which, when
looked at in the right way, did not become still more complicated.
-- Paul Anderson
%
I don't have any solution but I certainly admire the problem.
-- Ashleigh Brilliant
%
Deliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow.
%
The educated person is not the person who can answer the questions,
but the person who can question the answers.
%
Have you reconsidered a computer career?
%
Dear math. I am not a therapist.
Solve your own damned problems.
%
Anything cut to length will be too short.
%
There are 3 types of people in this world.
Those who understand quantum computing.
Those who do not understand quantum computing.
And those who both simultaneously do and do not understand quantum computing.
%
People at my work are subject to quantum effects.
They behave differently if a supervisor is observing.
%
I was watching a documentary on Quantum physics.
But I stopped watching in case I affected the outcome.
%
Would two physicists in love be a quantum entanglement?
%
What do we want? Evidence-based science!
When do we want it? After peer review!
%
Duct tape can't fix stupid.
But it <u>can</u> muffle the sound.
%
I'm an engineer.
To save time let's just assume I'm never wrong.
%
Technically the glass is always full.
50% water plus 50% air
%
The universe is composed of protons, neutrons, electrons;
but mostly morons.
%
SCIENCE: Doing stuff in a lab that would be a felony in a garage.
%
If there really was a god, trees would come with charge ports and WiFi hotspots.
%
Why did the chicken cross the möbius strip?
To get to the same side.
%
Physicist's bumper sticker, "ABSOLUTE ZERO IS COOL!".
%
Schrodinger's cat walks into a bar. And doesn't.
%
In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice.
But, in practice, there is.
%
A couple of biologists had twins.
They named one Jessica and the other Control.
%
Scientists who study the sun have a flare for research.
%
Air resistance is a real drag.
%
A neutron walks into a bar and asks how much for a beer.
Bartender replies, "For you? No charge."
%
Scientists can be wrong -- periodically.
%
Teamwork is essential, because you can always blame someone else.
%
Not all math puns are terrible.&ensp;Just sum.
%
All the class's math books looked sad ... probably because of all the problems.
%
If I had 50 cents for every math test I've failed, I'd have $7.36 now.
%
5 parking meters = 500 parking centimeters
%
Where are the calculations that go with a calculated risk?
%
Neutrinos are into physicists.
%
With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine.
However, this is not necessarily a good idea....
%
I've been confused about a few edge cases in this design.
Now, after a day of research, the regular cases confuse me, too.
%
Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
%
Pound for pound, the amoeba is the most vicious animal on earth.
%
Black holes are where God divided by zero.
%
A bus station is where the bus stops.
A train station is where the train stops.
In my lab, I have a work station....
%
Research is reading two books that have never been read,
in order to write a third that will never be read.
%
The best way to predict the future is to invent it.
%
Statistics are no substitute for common sense.
%
Some drink at the fountain of knowledge; others just gargle.
%
Real stupidity beats artificial intelligence every time.
%
Bill Gates is a very rich man today -- and do you want to know why?
The answer is one word: versions.
%
We believe that electricity exists, because the electric company keeps sending us bills for it, but we cannot figure out how it travels inside wires.
%
There are two distinctive classes of people today.
There are those who have personal computers,
and those who have several thousand extra dollars.
%
Map Quest really needs to start their directions on #5.
I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
%
I keep some people's numbers in my cellphone just so I know not to answer when they call.
%
I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.
%
Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray?
I don't want to have to restart my collection, again.
%
I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
%
After an AI answered a question, it asked me to take a picture with it.
That AI is selfie-aware!
%
How long does it take a <b>DEC</b> field engineer to change a light bulb?
It depends on how many bad ones he brought with him.
%
For every problem science solves, it creates ten new ones.
%
To err is human; to really foul things up takes a computer.
%
A program's complexity grows until it exceeds the capabilities of the programmer who must maintain it.
%
It works better if you plug it in.
%
The most delicate component will be dropped.
%
There is no mechanical problem so difficult that it cannot be solved by brute strength and ignorance.
%
The fact that you do not know the answer does not meant that someone else does.
%
Brute force, clumsiness, ignorance, and superstition
will always triumph over science, skill, knowledge, and logic.
%
The more carefully you plan a project,
the more confusion there is when something goes wrong.
%
Leftover nuts never match leftover bolts.
%
A failure will not appear until a unit has passed final inspection.
%
Always assume that your assumption is invalid.
%
Remember that not all the faculty have all their faculties.
%
The most expensive component is the one that breaks.
%
Cut to fit – beat into place.
%
Interchangeable parts won't.
%
Most projects require three hands.
%
The first sample is always the best.
%
The attention span of a computer is only as long as its electrical cord.
%
Any experiment is reproducible until another laboratory tries to repeat it.
%
It requires less energy to take an object out of its proper place than to put it back.
%
That which cannot be taken apart will fall apart.
%
All pluses have their minuses.
%
If you understand it, it's obsolete.
%
When we try to pick out anything by itself,
we find it connected to everything else in the universe.
%
The higher up the organization,
the fewer people appreciate Murphy's Law.
%
A few months in the laboratory can frequently save a couple of hours in the library.
%
Nothing is as inevitable as a mistake whose time has come.
%
In any electrical circuit,
appliances and wiring will burn out to protect fuses.
%
Some forms of inventive genius can be directly attributed to laziness.
%
Wernher von Braun settled for a V-2 when he could have had a V-8.
%
Anything can be made to work if you fiddle with it long enough.
%
The first requisite of intelligent tinkering is to save all the pieces.
%
Everybody wants to build and nobody wants to do maintenance.
%
When taking something apart to fix a minor malfunction,
you will cause a major malfunction.
%
One and one does not necessarily make 11.
%
Tolerances will accumulate unidirectionally toward maximum difficulty of assembly.
%
Any program will expand to fill available memory.
%
When you can't discover the cause of a failure,
all of the free advice you get will be for things you've already checked.
%
Of two possible results, only the undesired one will occur.
%
Given any problem containing N equations,
there will be N+1 unknowns.
%
The hidden flaw never remains hidden.
%
Chaos always wins, because it's better organized.
%
For every vision there is an equal and opposite revision.
%
Asking dumb questions is easier than correcting dumb mistakes.
%
If mathematically you end up with the incorrect answer,
try multiplying by the page number.
%
Given a conflict, Murphy's Law supersedes Newton's.
%
Facts without theory are trivia.
Theory without facts is bullshit.
%
Assumption is the mother of all foul-ups.
%
Inside every large problem is a small problem struggling to get out.
%
Any simple idea will be worded in the most complicated way.
%
If two wrongs don't make a right, try three.
%
By definition, when you are investigating the unknown,
you do not know what you will find.
%
Things equal to nothing else are equal to each other.
%
Experiments should be reproducible,
They should all fail in the same way.
%
The first 90 percent of the task takes 90 percent of the time.
The last 10 percent takes the other 90 percent.
%
Whatever happens, act as if it was intended.
%
If a computer cable has one end, it has another.
%
If the facts do not conform to the theory, they must be disposed of.
-- Maier's Law
%
Adding manpower to a late technology project only makes it later.
%
If a research project is not worth doing at all,
it is not worth doing well.
%
Murphy's Law never fails except when you try to demonstrate it.
%
Nothing is so simple it cannot be misunderstood.
%
If you can't navigate a one-level, five-item phone tree,
you didn't need a computer anyway.
%
Megahertz: it's like a really, really big hertz.
%
Progress is nondirectional.
%
A rolling stone gathers momentum.
%
Prime Number: Grade A number, best grilled medium rare.
%
Calculus: The branch of mathematics that is so scary it causes everybody to stop studying mathematics.
%
Nothing is as temporary as that which is called permanent.
Corollary: Nothing is as permanent as that which is called temporary.
%
Everything breaks down.
-- Orion's Law
%
Never argue with a woman holding a torque wrench.
%
I took my old computer in to The Geek Squad.
They opined a better choice is taking it to The Antiques Roadshow.
%
The rate at which a disease spreads through a corn field
is a precise measurement of the speed of blight.
%
My early morning grooming is simple.
If my phone recognizes me, I'm good to go.
%
To spot the expert, pick the one who predicts
the job will take the longest and cost the most.
%
A successful [software] tool is one that was used
to do something undreamed of by its author.
-- S. C. Johnson
%
A university faculty is 500 egotists with a common parking problem.
%
Jesus saves. Buddha makes incremental backups.
%
Philogyny recapitulates erogeny.
Erogeny recapitulates philogyny.
%
Nothing in the universe can withstand
the relentless application of brute force and ignorance.
%
Trial and Error:
Finding new and creative ways to screw something up.
%
I once took a physics course that was so hard, I couldn't find the classroom.
%
For every problem science solves, it creates ten new one.
-- Shaw's Axiom
%
When science finally locates the center of the universe,
some people will be surprised to learn they're not it.
%
If at first you don't succeed, transform your data set.
%
Five out of every three people have trouble understanding fractions.
%
Science Fiction: Fairy tales for nerds.
%
When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.
%
Magnetism, as you recall from physics class,
is a powerful force that causes certain items to be attracted to refrigerators.
%
Archaeology is the science that proves you can't keep a good man down.
%
Science Confirms: Politicians Lie
%
Statistics: The science of producing unreliable facts from reliable figures.
%
Psychology: The science that tells you
what you already know in words you can't understand.
%
The progress of science varies inversely with the number of journals published.
-- Parkinson's Sixth Law
%
Great moments in science:
Einstein discovers that time is actually money.
%
Science: An orderly arrangement of what, at the moment, seems to be the facts.
%
Statistics: The only science that enables different
experts using the same figures to draw different conclusions.
%
I don't know why I should have to learn Algebra…
I'm never likely to go there.
%
Electricity is really just organized lightning.
%
When you feel that you would like to go back to your youth,
think of algebra.
%
Aftermath: The horrible headache you have when you've finished the algebra test.
%
Oxymoron: Wireless cable
%
Oxymoron: Political science
%
Oxymoron: Old technology
%
Oxymoron: Primitive technology
%
You thought the last few jokes were bad?
Well, this Fibonacci joke is worse that the last two combined.
%
One person's error is another person's data.
%
I was getting constant texts on my cellphone from Betty Low.
My grandson informed me that was "BATTERY LOW"!
%
My mom's tests have come back -- and it's bad news.
She'll never comprehend how to use a cellphone.
%
"I got a question for ya. Ya got a minute?"
-- two programmers passing in the hall
%
Counting in binary is as easy as 01 10 11.
%
A recent finding by statisticians shows the average human has one breast and one testicle.
%
Einstein developed a theory about space.
And it was about time, too!
%
I have a new theory on inertia,
but it doesn't seem to be gaining momentum.
%
I have a new theory on friction,
but it doesn't seem to be gaining traction.
%
Help fight continental drift.
%
A husband texts his wife on a frosty winter morning: "Window's frozen!"
His wife texts back: "Pour lukewarm water over it."
Five minutes later he replies: "Computer completely messed up now."
%
FORTH IF HONK THEN
%
To the Systems Programmer, users and applications serve only as a test load.
%
Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.
Corollary: Following the rules will not get the job done.
%
How do you want your software? Inexpensive? Reliable? Fast?
Pick any two.
%
Any room is a panic room if you've lost your phone in it.
%
<b>USENET</b> would be a better laboratory if there were more labor and less oratory.
%
Debugging your code is like being the detective in a crime movie where you're also the murderer.
%
I finally made money with my computer today.
I sold in on eBay.
%
Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.
%
I provide security at the Samsung Store.
Yep. I'm a Guardian Of The Galaxy.
%
There's no place like http://127.0.0.1
%
Our network security guy is missing.
The scuttlebutt is that he ransomware.
%
I joined a support group for former computer hackers.
Anonymous Anonymous.
%
How can a computer geek pick up girls?
...WHOOPS!! I thought this was Google!
%
If climate change affected our Wifi, we would've solved it by now.
%
If it truly was a "smart TV", it wouldn't let me select most of the cable company's channels.
%
Life is better now that I let A.I. create my late-to-work excuses.
%
I'm sorry I didn't answer my phone when you called.
I don't use it for that.
%
Not sure if that email was encrypted or their spelling was atrocious.
%
A clean house is the sign of a busted Wifi.
%
My x-ray showed I had a broken rib.
But they fixed it with Photoshop.
%
If I'm ever on life support, unplug me ...
Then plug me back in. See if that works...
%
My grandma didn't know they delivered emails on Sunday.
%
We've been married through 5 iPhone generations.
%
Sometimes my brain has too many tabs open.
%
My wife signed me up for internet addiction rehab.
I'm only going if they have Wifi.
%
My wife is truly wicked.
She set the Wifi password to be our wedding anniversary date.
%
Facebook knows me better than my husband does.
%
Life was much easier back when Apple and Blackberry were just fruits.
%
Humans are the reproductive organs of technology.
%
The production of too many useful things results in too many useless people.
-- Karl Marx
%
People who smile while they are alone used to be called insane.
Then we invented smartphones and social media.
%
Programmers often confuse Halloween with Christmas.
That's because 31 OCT = 25 DEC.
%
I won't be impressed with technology until I can download food.
%
It's simple statistics:
If your parents didn't have kids, odds are you won't either.
%
Why aren't iPhone chargers called Apple Juice?!
%
The guy who invented predictive text died last night.
His funfair is next monkey.
%
I have a brand new watch.
But my phone doesn't like it.
%
There are two kinds of data scientists.
Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.
%
Science is 80% preparing data, and 20% complaining about preparing data.
%
Human, "What do we want!?"
Computer, "Natural language processing!"
Human, "When do we want it!?"
Computer, "When do we want what?"
%
An SQL query walks into a bar.
It walks up to two tables, and asks, "Can I join you?"
%
You need a programmer with you on jungle expeditions.
They can take care of Python problems.
%
My software never has bugs.
It just contains undocumented features.﻿
%
Always take credit when something spontaneously starts working.
You'll sure as hell get blamed when it breaks.
%
To err is human... to really foul up requires the root password.﻿
%
If at first you don't succeed; call it version 0.9
%
Unix is user-friendly.
It's just very selective about who its friends are.﻿
%
Is it hot in here or did the server fan go out again?
%
Did you know your computer's cupholder can also be used to play DVDs?
%
In the realm of scientific observation,
luck is granted only to those who are prepared.
-- Louis Pasteur
%
Real worried about my upcoming math exam.
Think my chances of passing it are 40-40.
%
1 Angstrom: measure of computer anxiety = 1000 nail-bytes.
%
I'm not at all clear on the metric system.
Do cats in France have more, or less than 9 lives?
%
My mother-in-law had so much work done that she can no longer unlock her cellphone.
%
We had a potted plant in my school's math classroom.
It ultimately grew square roots.
%
Physics is like sex: sure, it may give some practical results,
but that's not why we do it.
― Richard P. Feynman
%
Extraordinary claims require extraordinary evidence.
-- Carl Sagan
%
How inappropriate to call this planet "Earth," when it is clearly "Ocean".
― Arthur C. Clarke
%
Our first online Zoom meeting did not go so well.
Yep. Zoom to doom in nothing flat.
%
To invent, you need a good imagination and a pile of junk.
― Thomas A. Edison
%
If time travel is possible, where are the tourists from the future?
― Stephen Hawking
%
It is harder to crack prejudice than an atom.
― Albert Einstein
%
Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity;
and I'm not sure about the universe.
― Albert Einstein
%
The saddest aspect of life right now is that
science gathers knowledge faster than society gathers wisdom.
― Isaac Asimov
%
Never memorize something that you can look up.
― Albert Einstein
%
If we knew what it was we were doing,
it would not be called research, would it?
― Albert Einstein
%
Somewhere, something incredible is waiting to be known.
― Carl Sagan
%
If I have seen further it is by standing on the shoulders of Giants.
― Isaac Newton
%
That which can be asserted without evidence,
can be dismissed without evidence.
― Christopher Hitchens
%
Everything must be made as simple as possible,
But not simpler.
― Albert Einstein
%
Barrel: The collective noun for a group of petroleum engineers.
%
Syntactic sugar causes cancer of the semicolon.
%
One cannot proceed from the informal to the formal by formal means.
%
Statistics are no substitute for judgment.
-- Henry Clay
%
Math must be a drama queen.
It can't seriously have that many problems.
%
I'm so old I remember when you could only lose a chess game to a supercomputer.
%
All power corrupts, but we need electricity.
%
I'm trying to call as many people as I can before my phone goes out of style.
%
I don't care if everyone else is getting one.
I am not buying a refrigerator with a learning curve.
%
For Father's Day, my son gave me an hour of free tech support.
%
A hacker broke into my computer and, in a random act of kindness, organized all my files.
%
I was sad because I had no on-board GPS until I saw a man who had no cellphone.
%
My girlfriend and I have been together through three versions of Windows.
%
I have lots of information technology.
I just don't have any information.
%
stupid-idiot.com
It was the only domain name they had left...
%
Wanna see my virtual colonoscopy?
%
The first computer I bought cut my work in half, so I bought another one.
%
My last online shopping experience was like being at an actual store.
There were 8 virtual checkout links, but only one was not a 404.
%
Waste not --- get your lab's budget cut next year.
%
Loose bits sink chips.
%
I felt the WX app got it wrong most of the time.
... until I quit using it and made my own predictions.
%
"Solve for <b>X</b>."
Who is this mysterious "X" person?
And why do I have to solve his problem?
%
I ordered a documentary on "Current Events".
Turns out it was about electricity.
%
There's a fine line between a numerator and a denominator.
Only a fraction of you will understand this joke.
%
I have a chemistry joke, but I don't think it'll get a reaction.
%
Seems you can't use "beefstew" as a password.
It's not stroganoff.
%
My mind is much like my internet browser:
29 open tabs -- 5 are frozen,
and I have <b>no idea where the music is coming from!</b>
%
Wear glasses to math class. It improves division.
%
My computer had been running slower and slower.
The Tech told me the problem was my grandmother board.
%
This may take a while....
Tech Support is calling another Tech Support.
%
Being a successful electrician is not about who you know.
It's about making all the right connections.
%
I tried reading a pop-up book on my tablet, and cracked the screen.
%
Chemist who falls in acid is absorbed in work.
%
The first version always gets discarded.
%
The integrity of any backup is unknown until a restore is attempted.
%
Fools ignore complexity. Pragmatists suffer it.
Some can avoid it. Geniuses remove it.
%
You need to learn what "upward compatible" means.
It means you get to keep all the old errors.
%
It is easier to change the spec's to fit the program than vice versa.
%
Ask a stupid question online,
and get a hundred stupid, different answers.
%
Do not ascribe to Murphy's Law outcomes that can be attributed to stupidity.
%
<b>Quadratic Equation:</b> Advanced mathematical contrivance
whose relevance peaked somewhere around the 10th grade.
%
Irrationality is the square root of all evil.
%
<b>LORENZ'S LAW OF MECHANICAL REPAIR</b>
Once your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.
%
I'm having difficulties with my new smart phone.
It has way more capabilities than I do.
%
Photoshopping my images is way easier than dieting.
%
<b>BELL'S THEOREM</b>
When the body is immersed in water, the telephone rings.
%
Wouldn't a magnet school be a bad thing for the computer monitors?
%
I saw my math teacher with a piece of graph paper yesterday.
I fear he must be plotting something.
%
The geometry teacher was absent today.
She sprained her angle.
%
Top-posting!
> What's the most annoying thing on the internet?
%
I argued with a 90&deg; angle.
It turns out it was right.
%
http://Conjunct&igrave;v&igrave;t&igrave;s.org/
Now that's a site for sore eyes.
%
We build our computer systems the way we build our cities;
over time, without a plan, on top of ruins.
%
The houses were numbered 32K, 64K, 128K, 256K, &amp; 512K.
I took a trip down memory lane.
%
I blog, therefore I am.
%
I asked the IT guy, "How do you make a motherboard?"
He said, "I tell her about my job."
%
An empty browser history reveals more than a full one.
%
Three years ago I bought a state-of-the-art computer.
Today it's eligible for "The Antiques Roadshow".
%
I used to like my neighbors, until they put a password on their WiFi.
%
It was a shocking experience to hire the cheapest electrician.
%
Science doesn't care what you believe.
%
Lab Rule #1. Never lick the spoon.
%
Lab Rule #2: Hot glass looks just like cold glass.
%
Lab Rule #3: If you don't know what you're doing, at least do it neatly.
%
Lab Rule #4: Hiccups and pipettes don't mix.
%
Lab Rule #5: Assume all unmarked beakers contain toxic, fast-acting poison.
%
Lab Rule #6: You cannot detect an odorless gas by smell.
%
Lab Rule # 7: If you don't know what a button does, don't push it!
%
Schrodinger's Cake: You can have it <i>AND</i> eat it.
%
The best part of computer chess?
UNDO
%
I was fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn't putting in enough shifts.
%
<b>Engineer</b> (N.), Solving problems you didn't know you had in ways you cannot understand.
%
Another beautiful day without using imaginary numbers.
%
Another beautiful day without using sine, cosine, or tangent.
%
Electricians get stressed by current events.
%
Protons have mass?
Never knew they were Catholic.
%
My fingers cramped while scrolling to my birth year in that online form.
%
When I wrote this code, only God and I understood what it did.
Now... only god knows.
%
I accidentally called Alexa "Siri".
Now none of my appliances work.
%
I wonder how many miles I've scrolled with my thumb.
%
They used a 3D printer to repair my rear-view mirror.
Now I need 3D glasses to drive.
%
Working in Tech Support, I understand why some animals eat their young.
%
This universe is shipped by mass, not by volume.
Some expansion of the contents may have occurred during shipment.
%
I return to work tomorrow with a child-like belief that this is the year people will think at least twice before clicking [Reply All]
%
Can't see an end. I have no control and there is no escape.
I don't even have a home anymore.
Think it's time for a new keyboard.
%
You weigh 200 lbs. on Earth, which is only 76 lbs. on Mars.
You're not fat. You're just on the wrong planet.
%
Failure is not an option.&ensp; It's bundled with the software.
%
I can't see that using decimals is easier than fractions.
I guess I'm missing the point.
%
Flat-earthers have nothing to fear except sphere itself.
%
<b>User:</b> the nickname computer professionals use when they mean "idiot".
%
If God is perfect, why did He create discontinuous functions?
%
I spent all night on the computer.
Now I'm suffering Net Lag.
%
Sleep is merely a time machine to breakfast.
%
The human brain ordinarily operates at only 10% of its ability.
The rest is overhead used by the operating system.
%
My grandfather sent me a text, "Goats pitchfork pimentos hemoglobin"
Sadly, I am unable to to decipher AutoCorrect.
%
I hate it when I'm trying to spell a word and the phone can't do it either.
%
I'm still working on Fermat's next-to-last theorem.
%
I opened Outlook Calendar at work today.
It looked like a bad game of Tetris.
%
It is easier to write code than to read it.
%
I put more effort into naming my first WiFi than my  first child.
%
The village electrician's funeral was yesterday.
Everyone came in shorts.
%
My mobile phone has a tuneless ring tone.
It's chordless.
%
I can't picture myself without a camera phone.
%
Remember hobbies?
Hobbies are what we use to do before we had cellphones.
%
Schedule your equipment maintenance or it will schedule it for you.
%
Joseph Priestley discovered oxygen in 1774.
I dunno what folks were breathing before that.
%
Albert Einstein was a genius and worthy of praise.
His brother Frank was an absolute monster.
%
You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the track.
%
Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with confidence.
%
Technology is dominated by those who manage what they do not understand.
%
An expert is one who knows more and more about less and less until he knows absolutely everything about nothing.
%
Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe and he'll believe you.
Tell him a bench has wet paint on it and he'll have to touch it to be sure.
%
All great discoveries are made by mistake.
-- Young
%
The first myth of management is that is exists.
%
A failure will not appear until the unit has passed final inspection.
%
Nothing motivates a man more than to see his boss putting in an honest day's work.
%
Some people manage by the book, even they don't know who wrote the book, or even what book.
%
After all is said and done, a hell of a lot more is said than done.
%
Any system which depends on human reliability is unreliable.
%
The only perfect science is hindsight.
%
If it's not in the computer, it doesn't exist.
%
When all else fails, read the instructions.
%
If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong.
%
When any instrument is dropped, it will tumble into the least accessible corner.
%
Any simple theory will be worded in the most complicated way.
%
The degree of technical competence is inversely proportional to the level of management.
%
Build a system that even a fool can use and only a fool will want to use it.
%
Any circuit design must contain at least one part which is obsolete,
two parts which are unobtainable,
and three parts which are still under development.
%
If you can't understand it, it is intuitively obvious.
%
The only perfect science is hind-sight.
%
The attention span of a computer is only as long as it electrical cord.
%
Always draw your curves, then plot your reading.
%
A meeting is an event at which the minutes are kept and the hours are lost.
%
New systems generate .
%
We don't know one millionth of one percent about anything.
%
A computer makes as many mistakes in two seconds as 20 men working 20 years can make.
%
A complex system that barely works is invariably found to have evolved from a simple system that works.
%
Computers are unreliable, but humans are even more unreliable.
%
The primary function of the design engineer is to
make things difficult for the fabricator and impossible for the serviceman.
%
The more cordial the buyer's secretary, the greater the odds that the competition already has the order.
%
In designing any type of construction, no overall dimension can be totaled correctly after 4:30 PM.
%
Technologies don't transfer.
-- Conrad's Conundrum
%
Left to themselves, things will go from bad to worse.
%
When properly attended to, things will go from bad to worse.
%
Nature always sides with the hidden flaw.
%
Chemists are great at solving problems.
Obviously ... they have all the solutions.
%
Of two possible outcomes, only the undesired one occurs.
%
Never trust an electrician with no eyebrows.
%
Indecision is the key to flexibility.
%
There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation.
%
The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.
%
Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
%
When you try to prove to someone that something doesn't work, it will.
%
Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.
-- Terry Pratchett
%
The internet has evolved from smart people working with dumb terminals into dumb people working with smart terminals.
%
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
None. It's a hardware problem.
%
Last week much Adderall that I remembered my CompuServe login details.
%
I was going to tell a joke about sodium, but ... Na.
%
If you're the smartest person in the Zoom, you're in the wrong Zoom.
%
The "E" in JavaScript stands for "easy".
%
She was sending me mixed messages.
So I did a Fourier analysis.
%
Power corrupts. And atomic power corrupts atomically.
%
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
%
I've got a phobia of over-engineered buildings.
It's a complex complex complex.
%
Like punning, programming is a play on words.
%
My Christmas present was a new computer monitor.
My New Year's resolution was 1920 X 1080.
%
Technically, all math questions are problematic.
%
There are 2 very difficult problems in Computer Science.
0: Naming things. 1: Cache invalidation. 2: Off by one errors.
%
We started a band called <i>999 Megabytes.</i>
Still haven't gotten a gig.
%
You need to be odd to be number one.
%
Sadly, I do my best proofreading after I hit [SEND].
%
I Googled myself several times with no hits.
So, I'm going to change my name to Tom Hanks.
%
"Have you ever heard of Pavlov?"
"It sure rings a bell."
%
TV can insult your intelligence.
But nothing rubs it in quite like a computer.
%
Parallel lines have so much in common.
It's a shame they'll never meet.
%
Nearly any fool can use a computer.
Many do.
%
I swallowed a few magnets.
<b>Now</b> I am attractive.
%
I'm told my password is weak. However, my memory is weaker.
So I'm sticking with "qwertyuiop".
%
If at first you don't succeed, call it version 0.9.
%
Blowing on the wine in your mug will convince the Zoom meeting that your tea is hot.
%
Kids no longer search the house for their hidden Christmas presents.
They simply go through the family PC's browser cache.
%
The hacker that stole my identity returned it once he saw my credit score.
%
An opinion without 3.14159 is just an onion.
%
Eventually I found the key to success.
But then they added two factor authentication..
%
Twitter is great if you can't afford therapy but you also don't want to get any better.
%
I just learned Albert Einstein was a real guy.
All this time I thought he was a theoretical scientist.
%
Seems to me that British websites should use biscuits.
%
"Name a state without an 'A' in it's name."
"Liquid."
%
To define recursion, we must first define recursion.
%
Just can't get away from my broken keyboard.
There's no escape.
%
What one programmer can do in one month, 2 programmers can do in two months.
-- Fred Brooks
%
Basic research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing.
%
I often use the F5 key on my keyboard.
It's quite refreshing.
%
Ask a programmer to review 10 lines of code and he'll find 10 issues.
Ask him to review 500 lines and he'll say it looks good.
%
I'm obsessed with the F1 key on my keyboard.
I'm really trying to get help.
%
When I call a family meeting I turn off the house WiFi and wait for them all to come running.
%
Set your WiFi password to 2444666668888888.
So when someone asks for it, tell them it's 12345678.
%
Photons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.
%
I made my password "incorrect".
When I enter it wrong, the system reminds me, "Your password is incorrect."
%
My password is the last 16 digits of Pi.
%
My password is the solution to Fermat's last theorem.
%
Microsoft never focused on fault-tolerant computers.
Instead, they relied on fault-tolerant users.
%
No trees were killed in the creation of this quip.
However, a great many electrons were terribly inconvenienced.
%
If Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight,
there would be mass confusion.
%
My wrist watch stopped.
I think it's down a quartz.
%
Everything happens all at once.
Time just spreads it out.
%
It's OK computer.
I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
%
A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.
%
"Assembly Programming"! How am I to learn that?
A bit at a time.
%
There are 10 kinds of people in this world: those who understand binary,
those who don’t, and those who didn’t notice this was a ternary joke.
%
Never trust atoms. They make up everything.
%
True happiness is closing 99 browser tabs after solving an obscure programming bug.
%
If you want to know what line the coding error is on,
write all your code on one line.
%
Laptop stickers are the tech equivalent of prison tattoos.
%
To the person who stole my Microsoft Office license.
I'm gonna find you. You have my word.
%
Give a person a program; frustrate them for a day.
Teach a person to program; frustrate them for a lifetime.
%
I don't have a solution, but I do admire the problem.
%
Happy 3 week anniversary to the 26 browser tabs I have open.
%
Computers can figure out all kinds of problems,
except the things in the world that just don't add up.
%
Why do Java developers wear glasses?
Because they cant C#.
%
The optimist sees the glass half full.
The pessimist sees the glass half empty.
The engineer sees it twice the size it needs to be.
%
Entropy just isn't what it used to be.
%
Rest in peace, boiling water, you will be mist.
%
Once were were human because of our ability to love.
Now it's because of our ability to select each image containing a bus.
%
I tell chemistry puns, but only periodically.
%
Smartphones are pacifiers for adults.
%
I was told I should put my wet cellphone in a container of rice.
Steamed rice was probably not the best choice.
%
We started a band called 999 megabytes.
We still haven't gotten a gig.
%
Engineer: "I'm Not Arguing. I'm Just Explaining Why I'm Right."
%
If God had wanted us to use the metric system, Jesus would have had 10 apostles.
-- Jesse Helms
%
TRUE FRIENDSHIP: Walking into a persons house and your WiFi connects automatically.
%
Nothing is fool proof to a sufficiently experienced fool.
%
Dr, "Your body is depleted of magnesium."
Me, "0mg."
%
Failure is not an option -- it comes bundled with the software.
%
My computer and I are fairly well matched.
After 10 minutes of inactivity, we both nod off.
%
I know a woman who has a Tesla Coil. She's stunning!
%
I often give my age in Celsius.
%
No one laughs at my jokes on Zoom.
Maybe because I'm not remotely funny.
%
I'm 64 years old. But it's only 40 in hexadecimal.
%
I needed a password eight characters long.
So I picked "Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs".
%
Why call someone, when you can just decide where you and your friend want to meet by exchanging 76 text messages?
%
Thanks once again to AutoCorrect, my sister's kids are expecting the Easter Rabbi tomorrow.
%
I'm going to start calling my wife by the name AutoCorrect thinks she has.
%
AutoCorrect lends a touch of whimsy to my emails.
%
AutoCorrect made me type thongs I did not Nintendo.
%
The man who created AutoCorrect has died.
May he restaurant in peas.
%
I hope the guy who invented AutoCorrect burns in hello!
%
An atom laments losing an electron, "I really gotta keep an ion them."
%
I correct AutoCorrect more than it corrects me.
%
To the guy who invented the number zero: "Thanks for nothing".
%
A few puns make me numb.&ensp; But math puns make me number.
%
To the person who invented infinity: "Thanks for everything."
%
If Bill Gates had a penny for every time I had to reboot my computer ...oh wait, he does.
%
I set my WiFi name to "Hack me if you can".
This morning the name was changed to "Challenge accepted".
%
Hackers brought down my online business, but I managed to keep the website address and that's domain thing.
%
How many Google programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
None, they declare darkness to be the new standard.
%
WTF is an acronym ?
%
The price of smartphones are way out of line.
If I fall and hear something crack, I'm hoping it's a bone.
%
ALGORITHM: A set of instructions that make it appear that a problem has been solved.
%
Wifi went down during family dinner tonight.
One kid started talking and I didn't know who he was.
%
Why can control engineers never say "No" to their bosses?
Because they work in "S-Domain"!
%
One tectonic plate bumped into another and said, "Sorry, my fault."
%
He He He --laughing gas.
%
<b>Nucleus</b> (N.), The leader of a biology gang.
%
<b>CAPS LOCK</b> – Preventing Login Since 1980.
%
All network cabling aspires to the condition of macramé.
%
I just sneezed next to my computer and the anti-virus popped up.
%
I thought two step verification was a check on my dancing skills.
%
Every electronic device is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
%
The first AI that can successfully pass the Turing Test just might pretend that it couldn't.
%
EXPERT: A PhD with the wrong answer.
%
FEATURE: A bug you can select from a menu.
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FREEWARE: The only programs that are worth every penny you spent on them.
%
Artificial Intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
%
What if UFOs are just billionaires from other planets?
%
BIT: The smallest unit of misinformation.
%
ENDLESS LOOP: <i>See</i> endless loop.
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LOGIC: Deductive reasoning and mathematical formulas disguising a blind guess.
%
VERSION 1.0: The most frightening phrase in all of computing.
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There are 10 kinds of people in the world.
Those that understand binary; and those that do not.
%
A physicist froze himself to -273&#176;C.
You'd think that was crazy, but he was 0K.
%
Y10K: Shorthand term for the Year 10,000 problem.
%
What's the WiFi password?
Bartender: You need to buy a drink first.
OK, I'll have a Coke.
Bartender: Three dollars.
There you go. So what's the WiFi password?
Bartender: "You need to buy a drink first." No spaces, all lowercase.
%
We just got a fax. At work.
We didn't know we had a fax machine.
The entire department just stared at it.
I poked it with a stick.
%
You're sending me something via fax?
What is it, an important document from 1989?
%
Embracing the Internet Of Things, I accessed the internet with my toaster.
However, I soon got tired of the pop-ups.
%
I haven't lost my mind; it's backed up on tape ... somewhere.
%
Got a book about DIY electrical projects. Shocking stuff, really.
%
Linux: The penguin is mightier than the sword.
%
My internet is so slow.
It's faster to drive to Google headquarters and ask them questions in person.
%
I bet Egyptians were all like
"Yo, nobody in history will ever worship and revere cats like we do"
and then along came the internet.
%
If you think patience is a virtue, try surfing the net on a 14.4k dial up connection.
%
The number of people predicting the demise of Moore's Law doubles every 18 months.
%
What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?
Mechanical Engineers build weapons; Civil Engineers build targets.
%
Engineers: Solving problems you did not know you had in ways you cannot understand.
%
Moses was the first to download data from the cloud.
%
Old data analysts never die;
they just get broken down by age.
%
Old programmers never%nbsp;die.
They just branch to a new address.
%
Old programmers never&nbsp;die.
They just go to bits.
%
The old computer cracker never died.
He just ransomware.
%
Old mathematicians never die;
they just lose all of their functions.
%
Old Android users never die;
they just get dis-droid.
%
Old chemists never die;
they just fail to react.
%
How do you tell HTML from HTML5?
Try it on Internet Explorer.
%
Given a million monkeys with a million keyboards, eventually one will write a Java program.
All the others will write a Perl program.
%
Technically a space suit protects an astronaut from nothing.
%
When a distinguished,elderly scientist states that something is possible, he is almost certainly right.
When he states that something is impossible, he is very probably wrong.
&bull; Clarke's First Law
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The only way to discover the limits of the possible is to venture beyond them into the impossible.
&bull; Clarke's Second Law
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Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.
&bull; Clarke's Third Law
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Where are all the good chemistry jokes?&ensp; They argon.
%
For every expert there is an equal and opposite expert.
&bull; Clarke's Fourth Law
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<span style="display: inline-block; transform: scale(-1, 1);">I'll never again buy a laptop on eBay.</span>
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If I have an inner child, I hope he comes out and solves my computer problem.
%
pi seconds is a nanocentury.
-- Tom Duff
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King Arthur's palace electrician was Sir Kit Braker.
%
I think my website needs a URLologist.
%
ACRONYM: is an acronym that stands for <b>A</b> <b>C</b>ompletely <b>R</b>idiculous <b>O</b>bsolete <b>N</b>oun <b>Y</b>ou'll <b>M</b>isspell.
%
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
%
There's rumors of a Facebook and TikTok merger.
The new company name? TikFace
%
I named my hard drive "dat ass".
Once a month my computer asks if I want to 'back dat ass up'.
%
We have a new international date format that works for everyone.
<b>yyyy mm dd mm yyyy</b>
%
A friend keeps sending me the same animated image.
He's a serious re-gif-ter.
%
<b>WILLOUGHBY'S LAW</b>
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.
%
¡ʇsıןsıɐɹɔ ɟɟo ʎnq ןן'ı ʇǝןqɐʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
%
<b>MATH AND ALCOHOL DON'T MIX!</b>
Please, don't drink and derive.
<b>M</b>athematicians <b>A</b>gainst <b>D</b>runk <b>D</b>eriving
%
I'd tell you a UDP joke, but you might not get it.
%
<b>APPNESIA</b> (N.), Not knowing what half your phone apps are for.
%
The good thing about science is that
it's true whether or not you believe in it.
― Neil deGrasse Tyson
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Any technology distinguishable from magic is insufficiently advanced.
-― Barry Gehm
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I visited a coffee shop where the Wifi password was wedonthavewifi.
It was a very frustrating conversation with the cashier.
%
Ancient mathematicians could not keep their numbers straight.
They were using romin' numerals.
%
The breakfast cereal of sound engineers: Sound Chex
%
If it weren't for C, we'd all be programming in BASI and OBOL.
%
I finally came up with a password I can remember.
"iforgotmypassword"
%
Be careful what you write.
Remember: the "E" in email stands for <b>E</b>ternal.
%
Overflow on /dev/null
Please empty the bit bucket.
%
Simulations are like miniskirts, they show a lot and hide the essentials.
-- Hubert Kirrman
%
Our OS who art in CPU, UNIX be thy name.
Thy programs run, thy syscalls done, In kernel as it is in user!
%
In the long run, every program becomes rococo, and then rubble.
-- Alan Perlis
%
May all your PUSHes be POPped.
%
6 Curses = 1 Hexahex
%
VMS isn't an operating system, it's a playpen for DEC system programmers.
-- Herb Blashtfalt
%
1 Word = 1 Millipicture
%
I just witnessed an Apple store getting robbed.
The police have detained me as an iWitness.
%
The math department professors started up a band.
They call themselves "The Algorhythms".
%
Wanted: Schrödinger's cat -- dead or alive.
%
Established technology tends to persist in spite of new technology.
-- Blaauw's Law
%
Flappity, floppity, flip
The mouse on the Möbius strip;
&emsp;&emsp; The strip revolved,
&emsp;&emsp; The mouse dissolved
In a chronodimensional skip.
%
There once was a girl named Irene
Who lived on distilled kerosene
&emsp;&emsp; But she started absorbin'
&emsp;&emsp; A new hydrocarbon
And since then has never benzene.
%
IBM had a PL/I,
&emsp;&emsp; Its syntax worse than JOSS;
And everywhere this language went,
&emsp;&emsp; It was a total loss.
%
Remember, UNIX spelled backwards is XINU.
%
How do I convert pounds to instagrams?
%
A modem is a baudy house.
%
Anything that can go wr -- segmentation fault!
%
The key elements in human thinking are not numbers but labels of fuzzy sets.
-- L. Zadeh
%
Algebraic symbols are used when you do not know what you are talking about.
-- Philippe Schnoebelen
%
The only way to learn a new programming language is by writing programs in it.
-- Brian Kernighan
%
Small keyboards make for big mistakes.
-- Joe Gunn
%
You can tell how far we have to go, when ForTran is the language of supercomputers.
-- Steven Feiner
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That's the thing about people who think they hate computers.
What they really hate is lousy programmers.
-- Larry Niven and Jerry Pournelle
%
There is no "Complete Idiot's Guide to Creationism,"
but perhaps one is not needed.
-- Andrei Codrescu, on NPR Aug. 25, 1999
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Lubarsky's Law of Cybernetic Entomology: There's always one more bug.
%
If A = B and B = C, then A = C, except where void or prohibited by law.
-- Roy Santoro
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Grabel's Law:
2 is not equal to 3 ― not even for large values of 2.
%
Felson's Law: To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism;
to steal from many is research.
%
Finagle's First Law: If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.
%
Finagle's Creed: Science is true. Don't be misled by facts.
%
Goto, (N.) A programming tool that exists to allow
structured programmers to complain about unstructured programmers.
-- Ray Simard
%
Mater artium necessitas.
%
Enzymes are things invented by biologists that explain
things which otherwise require harder thinking.
-- Jerome Lettvin
%
Don't get suckered in by the comments ― they can be terribly misleading.
Debug only code.
-- Dave Storer
%
Discovery consists in seeing what everyone else has seen
and thinking what no one else has thought.
-- Albert Szent-Gyorgi
%
Debugging is twice as hard as writing the code in the first place.
Therefore, if you write the code as cleverly as possible,
you are, by definition, not smart enough to debug it.
-- Brian Kernighan
%
CChheecckk yyoouurr dduupplleexx sswwiittcchh..
-- Randall Garrett
%
Beware of Programmers who carry screwdrivers.
-- Leonard Brandwein
%
As far as we know, our computer has never had an undetected error.
-- Weisert
%
Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from a rigged demo.
-- Andy Finkel, computer guy
%
Ada is the work of an architect, not a computer scientist.
-- Jean Ichbiah
%
43rd Law of Computing: Anything that can go wr
fortune: Segmentation fault ― core dumped
%
A formal parsing algorithm should not always be used.
-- D. Gries
%
A language that doesn't have everything is
actually easier to program in than some that do.
-- Dennis M. Ritchie
%
A large number of installed systems work by fiat.
That is, they work by being declared to work.
-- Anatol Holt
%
The increased productivity fostered by a friendly environment and quality
tools is essential to meet ever increasing demands for software.
-- M. D. McIlroy, E. N. Pinson and B. A. Tague
%
If you torture the data long enough, it will confess to anything.
-- Ronald Coase
%
SCIENCE: Like magic, but <b>real!</b>
%
It is never fallacious to properly cite Donald Knuth
in lieu of providing your own argument.
-- Sun Tzu
%
Absolutum obsoletum – if it works, it's out of date.
%
I'm not good with Roman Numerals,
so when asked what 3,000 was, I replied, "mmm..."
%
If an experiment works, you must be using the wrong equipment.
-- Bowie's Theorem
%
The most interesting results happen only once.
-- Law of Replicability
%
Never try to replicate a successful experiment.
-- Fett's Law
%
What do you call a 3.14 meter snake?
A pi-thon.
%
There are only two kinds of programming languages:
those people always bitch about and those nobody uses.
-- Bjarne Stroustrup
%
Those who believe in astrology are living in houses
with foundations of Silly Putty.
-- Dennis Rawlins, astronomer
%
The Web is like a dominatrix.
Everywhere I turn, I see little buttons ordering me to Submit.
-- Nytwind
%
Programming is like sex.
One mistake and you're providing support for a lifetime.
-- Michael Sinz
%
Science Deniers have their own Periodic Table.
It contains one element&thinsp;:&emsp;Balonium
%
My mathematician friend became a father and had twins.
One was named Steven and the other Stodd.
%
8 Catfish = 1 Octo-puss
%
The "cutting edge" is getting rather dull.
-- Andy Purshottam
%
The amount of beauty required to launch 1 ship = 1 Millihelen
%
f u cn rd ths, u cn gt a gd jb n cmptr prgrmmng
%
I once was a programmer at Autocorrect.
They fried me for no raeson.
%
Two wrights don't make a rong, they make an airplane. Or bicycles.
%
Basic unit of Laryngitis = The Hoarsepower
%
1000 beers served at a Twins game = 1 Killibrew
%
Debug is human, de-fix is divine.
%
Never put off till run-time what you can do at compile-time.
-- D. Gries
%
I'm done with adulting!
I'm now 50<sub>16</sub> years old.
%
16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling
%
Don't sweat it -- it's only ones and zeros.
-- P. Skelly
%
Innovation is hard to schedule.
-- Dan Fylstra
%
The geeks shall inherit the earth.
-- Karl Lehenbauer
%
Base 8 is just like base 10, if you are missing two fingers.
-- Tom Lehrer
%
Breadth-first Search is the bulldozer of science.
-- Randy Goebel
%
I've finally learned what "upward compatible" means.
It means we get to keep all our old mistakes.
-- Dennie van Tassel
%
You can measure a programmer's perspective by noting
his attitude on the continuing viability of ForTran.
-- Alan Perlis
%
The computing field is always in need of new cliches.
-- Alan Perlis
%
If the code and the comments disagree, then both are probably wrong.
-- Norm Schryer
%
The inventor of the Light-Emitting Diode is a <b>led</b>gend.
%
One man's constant is another man's variable.
-- A.J. Perlis
%
You can hear the blood running through your veins --- if you listen varicosely.
%
A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems.
-- P. Erdos
%
<b>Heisenbug</b> (N.)  A software error that seems to disappear when you study it.
%
!!&thinsp;IA na ni deppart m'I !pleH
%
A straight line is a special case of the curve.
It is a curve which is uncurved.
%
In English, every word can be verbed.
Would that it were so in our programming languages.
%
Everything is figureoutable.
%
Copper and Tellurium are dating.
They make a CuTe couple.
%
Is anyone using this private key?
c9BlbnNzaC1rZXktdjE1AAA3CmFlczI1Ni1jdHIAA2AGYmNyeXB0AAAAGAAAABApUzTvEb
mnBRsdwPp4xaRNAAAAEAAA1AEAAAAzAAAAC3NzaC1lZDI1NTE5AAAAIHP3mvuAja0NsLby
VTvFcgWZNowbxjmUMhaOMlLLP/qVAzAAoNioAfM5Txl44y0uOP2sNy6cCckpC6hdYhqMA9
GgRh2R3LU5SEYdsmrvsklqmxqdc7uPtvVpqAHMsvTdPs8y40RhAEh48fjunBlnAF53a80/
aHJVqsGzR0szPaHDnZFPJaLs4kxQtMXrTWC4GHb/Z5Yvmp9YFTc5o6zNzwXSy6IMzfg/eX
HaKa8ShN2vGWainMFckNUPIa/8lc4G7+SuPMU=
%
The flow of electricity might cause E-motional damage.
%
"In the beginning," God said, "The four dimensional diversions of
an anti-symmetric second rank tensor equals zero, and there was light."
-- Michio Kaku
%
Far better an approximate answer to the right question, which is often vague,
than an exact answer to the wrong question, which can always be made more precise.
-- John W. Tukey
%
I much prefer the oldfangled technology.
%
Nostalgebra: Remembering coefficients.
%